Konoha's Yellow Flash Really Hates Paperwork
by Sir Chris
Summary: Namikaze Minato expected to be the Shinigami's dinner, not his judge of the dead. Now he must spend his days judging those that have died and file the paperwork when he is done. Maybe he should have stayed in the Shinigami's stomach after all. A humorous take on the life of a legend after his death, and what he finds as the years pass.
1. Yellow Flash in a White Space

**A/N: **Namikaze Minato is a character that has always interested me. I like tragic characters, and I like strong characters, so writing a story about him fits naturally with how I like to write. I am always looking for ways to redefine how people view a world, and I have never seen another story that focuses mostly on the dead like mine does. An original idea in fanfiction, who would have thought it? This story strives to be humorous, to be light hearted, but more than anything it strives to not betray the characters that I poke fun at. Mind you, I have a pretty liberal view of what is betraying characters, so yeah. There will be times where I tone the humor down, but I don't get many complaints about that. Anyway, have fun reading.

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**Chapter 1: Yellow Flash in a White Space  
**

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If Namikaze Minato had known he was going to be stuck in this place for just about the rest of eternity he would have happily stayed in the Shinigami's stomach. The man stared at his surroundings which amounted to an endless amount of white. He looked to the right and he saw white. He looked to the left and saw more white. He would have looked up but he was depressed enough as it was, more white wasn't going to make him feel any better about the situation.

The man sighed and wondered for what seemed like the millionth time if it was worth his time to hunt down whatever bastard "decorated" this place and give them a piece of his mind to go with his fist to their face. Honestly, how lazy did someone have to be to do nothing with an entire endless space aside to make it white?

What Minato did not know was that the issue had little to do with laziness and more to do with the very nature of his boss, the Shinigami.

_**Somewhere very scary: an accountant's office **_

The Shinigami could not keep the bored look off of his face as he pretended to listen to his accountant. It would be many years before Minato was in the afterlife, and the Shinigami found himself bored all the time. He was so bored in fact that he had thought visiting his accountant might help. It wasn't one of his better ideas. The Shinigami caught the accountant opening a new file and before he could start to explain it the Shinigami interjected. "Not to cut our meeting short, but perhaps a summary of what I have and some investment ideas are in order?"

The accountant was scared witless of the god in front of him and did his best not to flee in terror just at being spoken to. "O-of course, Shinigami-sama." The accountant picked up a piece of paper and skimmed it quickly before speaking again. "You have roughly four billion afterlife points to spend between a few different projects. You already own a vast blank space which you can turn into just about anything which would only take half of the remaining points. You also have a fairly underfunded torture department but honestly what use could you possibly have for it in the afterlife." The accountant adjusted his glasses waiting for the Death God's reply.

The Shinigami tilted his head for a moment, as if trying to think of a distant thought. After a few moments there was a spark of recognition in the ghastly figure's eyes. The Shinigami grinned wickedly, nearly causing the poor accountant to faint right then and there. The Shinigami had an idea, and when the Shinigami has an idea things tend to either die or wish very sincerely that they were about to die.

"Yes, what possible use could I have for torture…" The Shinigami said to himself, lost in his own evil thoughts.

**_Back with Minato_**

Minato sighed, taking a hand and running it through his wild blond hair. He looked at his surroundings again, and again he saw nothing but the color white closing in on him.

_I am this super important judge but I cannot even get an interior decorator in here? Something is wrong with this picture, _Minato thought._ I can feel the white closing in on me. Maybe I am finally starting to crack after all of these years..._

That feeling may have been justified given how Minato had handled a stressful situation a few days prior. **  
**

_**A few days** **prior**_

The Shinigami's assistant, an annoying woman in every way possible, had been rambling on for hours about all sorts of things until Minato finally snapped.

"Assistant-san, if I have to look at both you and these damnable white walls for any longer I am going to get rid of one of them, and here's a spoiler for you, I can't move this room." The bossy woman stopped mid sentence at the hard look. For a moment it was clear that she wanted to shout back but when Minato's gaze did not relent the haughty woman silently ran away as fast as her legs could carry her.

Minato let out a large sigh and smiled. He knew staring at himself in the mirror for hours to work on his glare would be a good investment of time.

Without question the color white gnawed at the outer edges of Minato's sanity. It was just so utterly boring. At least when Minato had worn a white cloak he had gotten cool flames at the bottom of it for contrast. White by itself, however, had no contrast. It was just there and it was very boring. If there was one thing Minato couldn't stand it was most certainly boredom. **  
**

_**This is the Inception of Flashbacks **_

Jiraiya was a legendary ninja in his own right, but when anyone asked the man what he was most proud of he'd start telling stories about his first apprentice. He could talk for days about Namikaze Minato. Somewhere in there he would have had to make mention of the fact that Minato wasn't exactly one for strategy sessions.

"Minato, the plan is to wait for the Iwa*(1) ninja for four hours here, by doing this we can get the jump on...Minato?" Jiraiya looked up, noticing that his apprentice was not around.

"Oh did you say something, sensei?" Minato answered a few feet away as he dumped off a few bodies onto the ground. Upon closer inspection they were Iwa shinobi. Jiraiya looked down at his finely tuned and well drawn out strategy and sighed.

_Well, this is going to cut down on paper at least_, Jiraiya thought.(2)

_**Back with Minato **_

All of that had to be forgotten now. That was his past. A life of excitement and choice. Of course, this 'life' had been a choice as well. He didn't have to be here. He could have let his village burn and him along with it and he probably would have had a very relaxing afterlife. An afterlife that involved very little white.

To become Hokage, the Fire Shadow, a person has to understand what is important about Konoha. It is not the techniques, the history, or even the current people who live within. It is about the future, about instilling the will of fire in every young person in the village so that their lives will be better and more full of promise than the previous generation's. That was what Minato had died for that night. His unselfishness even in his final moments was why so many people considered him to be the greatest ninja to ever come from Konoha. Some have postulated that the price of greatness cannot properly be measured, but Minato was fairly sure that it involved the color white. All Minato could hope for was that his sacrifice made the world a better place.

Unbeknownst to Minato, when word of his death had spread very quickly throughout the ninja world one man in particular had immediately thought the world was a better place.

_**Somewhere clearly cleverly hidden, years ago... **_

Tobi, all around bastard and as evil as a man could be, was throwing himself a party. He had invited all of his friends over, in other words he was by himself, and was currently slicing up a cake with thin razor wire. His academy instructor would be ever so proud! The man had lost his head over Tobi's lack of attention in class, but Tobi had eventually proven to be a good boy and was stubborn enough to get techniques such as cake slicing down. The cake in front of him read _'Namikaze Minato is dead hooray today is an awesome d'._ He had run out of red icing.

_**Back with Minato **_

Summoning the Shinigami to seal the Kyuubi into his son was supposed to be the hard part for Minato, but that had gone pretty much as planned. The hard part was being under contract with the wicked fiend. The Shinigami was polite enough most of the time, but the very fact that Minato spent all day dealing with paperwork was proof positive that his new master had a dark sense of humor. Minato had loathed doing paperwork when he was still alive. Put him in the middle of a battlefield and there would have been a lot of dead enemy corpses and him in that same field in under a minute. Put him in a room full of paperwork and there would be a whiny brat of a man mumbling to himself for hours. He often remarked that if he had known that he would have been used as a paper shuffler instead of as the Death God's snack, he probably would have just left his village to burn.

Everyone usually thought he was joking, but there were moments where even the people who knew him best were not _quite_ sure on that.

The Shinigami was not someone anyone would ever mistake for kind. However, every so often his interests coincided with others in such a way that if no one knew better they could mistake an action of the Shinigami's as kindness. One such action had been when Minato had been bitching and moaning about all of the paperwork. Oh sure the Shinigami could have done something needlessly cruel, but why waste good ideas on anyone but Orochimaru? Instead the Shinigami had offered Minato no less than five virgins a day for the rest of his stay in the afterlife. To his amazement the former Hokage had politely declined his generous offer. The Shinigami had almost given up on making Minato happy and was about to remove a limb or two when he, on a whim, gave Minato a bullshit line about how much of an honor it should be to be judge of the dead. Of course the Shinigami knew that no one wanted the job, but he thought it was worth a shot. The Shinigami was still laughing about the fact that Minato not only bought it, but totally ran with it! He'd tell newly dead souls how honored he was to be able to judge them. Sometimes the Shinigami really appreciated how awesome he was.(3)

These days he had the benefit of a decade of experience to get used to the fact that he was the one doing all this work. It hadn't been very reassuring when he was getting his first tour of the place.

He had only been on the job for a few hours, recently having sent an elderly man to a peaceful rest after he died of natural causes, when something occurred to him. The paperwork he had in front of him hadn't updated to include his ruling on the man's afterlife even though there was a space for it printed on the paperwork.

Using his Shinigami calling button(4) Minato summoned the Shinigami to his side. The Shinigami was an impressive looking figure, standing around eight feet tall and having a tattered dark robe surrounding his hulking frame. The only thing that escaped the robe was the god's pale face which was quite a sight. He had several rows of teeth that were now etched in what could be believed to be a grin of sorts and his small, demonic eyes were staring pointedly at the Yondaime Hokage. Such a look would have sent most men cowering.

Namikaze Minato was not most men.

"You've already got my soul, do you have to ham it up all the time Shinigami-sama?" Minato asked with absolutely no respect in his voice.

The Shinigami sighed. "You call me up and I am so generous as to spare my very important reaping time to come to you at you whimsy and the first thing you do is insult me? If I had a heart I am sure it would be feeling squeezed right about now."

Minato rolled his eyes. After a moment he realized that the Shinigami was glaring at him very hard and that he should probably get on with his question. "Right, my problem. Well as you know I hate paperwork and all of that but I like to do it right. I just judged a soul and the paperwork didn't update. Isn't this process supposed to be automated?"

"Well Hokage-kun(5), I did not think I had to explain everything to you, but alas it seems your hand needs to be held. So be it," the Shinigami said.

Minato's eye twitched ever so slightly at the obvious jab. "Please explain anyway."

"Well just because you said please," the Shinigami said mockingly. "The whole process could take me several minutes to explain and it would be dreadfully boring and serve no purpose, so basically everything is done to amuse me."

"...Excuse me?" Minato said.

"Hmm, might need to get your hearing checked as well. Not a good day for you at all, Minato-kun." Minato twitched. "Basically everything in the afterlife is more or less done like it is in life: Instead of living beings, dead beings do it. It is like watching humans running around doing my bidding!"

"Um, that's exactly what it is," Minato said.

The Shinigami shrugged. "Your point?"

Minato nodded his head. Despite the Shinigami's warped sense of humor, the logic behind all of that was fairly simple to grasp. "That's a lot of work Shinigami-sama, how many people do you have working on that at any one time? A few? Ten maybe?" Minato wasn't sure what to guess, after all he was the only judge of the dead so it would stand to reason that there wouldn't be too many more people writing these reports.

The Shinigami thought it over for a moment as he pretended to do some rough calculations in his head. "I'd say roughly five thousand people at any one time."

Minato raised an eyebrow at this. His guess hadn't even been close!

"Given that there are so many people that are alive, I suppose that makes sense. That's still incredible though. Since there are so many people working on the manuscripts of people's lives how many people work on the files after someone is deceased?" As soon as Minato had asked his question, the Shinigami had seemingly let out a perverse chuckle of delight. Minato shook his head slightly, convinced that he had heard wrong; the Death God does not chuckle.

"Only one I am afraid." The Shinigami waited for his pet Hokage to react how he wanted him to. He was not disappointed.

Minato let out a loud laugh, feeling sorry for whatever poor bastard was stuck with that particular job. "That's simply terrible, Shinigami-sama. What miserable soul did you manage to stick with that job?"

"You."

Minato stopped laughing abruptly at that declaration.

The Shinigami was pleased.

"Yes I know, woe is you and all of that. However unlike many of the lesser gods you silly mortals like to worship or to call upon in worship, I am not second class. I will not take anything less than the soul of the person who summons me in tribute for my deeds. You will see people who are much less talented than myself have many more souls in their possession because they are weaklings who are willing to settle. I have very few people contracted to me for a reason. There are very few people who possess what is required to summon me."

"What is that?" Minato asked.

"A gross amount of stupidity and an abundance of overconfidence," the Shinigami said casually. "So quit your whining because don't forget one very important thing: You're my bitch now."

Minato didn't know it at the time, but the Shinigami had taken a liking to him more than ever that day.

The paperwork wasn't as simple as he had hoped for either. He had to give detailed analysis as to why he had chosen where to place each individual. While he had complete discretion as to where a person would go it seemed that simply asking someone to pick a random number between one and forty was out of the question. He had thought himself clever for thinking it up and everything. That plan dashed he had decided to take the job very seriously. Even so, if he knew he was going to get stuck with this job when he made the pact with the Death God maybe he would have just let Konoha be destroyed by the fearsome fox demon. Well okay maybe he wouldn't have, but he sure likes to say it a lot for someone who wouldn't have done it.

It had been twelve years since his death but even now when he closed his eyes Minato could see his little boy, Naruto, in his hands as the two of them stared up at the Nine-Tailed Fox. He remembered Kushina being there as well but as the years passed his mind focused more and more on Naruto. The little boy had looked more curious than anything as he stared at the strongest tailed beast. His bright blue eyes still shined in Minato's mind just as brightly as they had while Minato was still alive. That night still haunted Minato, and him telling himself that he did the right thing didn't make it easier for him to handle it. His little boy was probably a ninja by now, off doing D-rank missions. If he was anything like his mother the boy would be complaining loudly about each and every one. Minato chuckled at the thought.

Minato spent a lot of time thinking about Naruto. He was stuck here in this horrible white space and even when he could get away for short periods of time there weren't many people in the entire afterlife who could tell him anything about his son. Information about the living wasn't his department after all. There had been several Konoha ninjas who had passed through over the years but Minato tried to be professional when dealing with new souls and declined to ask them about his son.

_I hope he isn't too spoiled,_ Minato thought._ Although I can't say I'd blame them for doting on him quite a bit. He is after all the only thing holding back the monstrous Kyuubi from destroying them all. Such a terrible burden will not be easy for him, but with loved ones there to guide him I am sure he'll be able to handle it. Such a double edged sword for you to wield for the village's protection, Naruto, I hope you are able to cope with that burden and someday forgive me. I have faith in you, my son.  
_

His thoughts were brought to an abrupt end as a young woman entered the white space. Sparing a glance at his queue button for not working properly he turned his attention to the person in front of him and he had to stop himself from gaping. He had thought the person who had just arrived was woman, but he felt foolish because all it took was a serious glance to discover that it was a man. Minato was glad that he hadn't said anything because that could have been pretty awkward.

_My senses are dulling... that's never a good sign, _Minato thought.

Many years ago Minato was returning late from a rigorous training session at the tender age of ten. He was pushing himself to his limit and a stiff breeze could have kicked his ass at the moment. His eyes were barely open and his feet dragged. As he neared his home he suddenly detected a faint chakra source in the trees and threw a kunai straight at it.

Exactly four seconds later Jiraiya came out holding a kunai in his hand and Minato paled. That's what he got for trying to think he was a good ninja.

"You know, if it was anyone but me they would have been caught completely off guard and you could have killed them." Jiraiya looked down at Minato with a disappointed look on his face. Jiraiya was very glad in this moment that he had gotten so good at the art of bullshitting in his advanced years.

"But sensei, I knew it was you, who else but you hangs out in bushes waiting for small children to make their way home?" Minato had thought of trying to suck up to his master, but decided that if he was going to fall on his sword he might as well make a memory out of it.

The look on Jiraiya's face was priceless for the moment Minato saw it before he got buried face first into the concrete.

"You are a ninja, not a comedian! Be sure to stick with the former because you damn sure can't do the latter! Now get inside before I really give you a pounding!"

Minato nodded, thankful that his wise crack hadn't gotten him some cracked bones in return. He silently went inside without saying anything further. He didn't want to push his luck too far after all.

Waiting until Minato was out sight Jiraiya dropped the kunai and let out a string of curses. He looked down at his hand to see a large gash in it.

_I am going to make that kid into one hell of a shinobi if the little genius doesn't fucking cleave me in half first_, Jiraiya thought before he headed to the hospital to see Tsunade. At least his day was looking up.

Back in the White Space Minato gave the man in front of him a hard look. The man was a ninja, and a damned good one if the calm look on his face was any indication. Not many people could be so calm so soon after death, but calm was the only word to describe the man in front of him. Well, girly would be a good fit too.

"Hello."

Minato's greeting seemed to startle the boy as he jumped a bit at hearing the voice before turning to greet him. "Hello." The boy's voice was polite and crisp, and he held the blond haired man's gaze for a moment before a spark of recognition went through his eyes. Although a second later it was replaced with curiosity. "Where am I? The last thing that I remember is…Oh. I am dead, aren't I?" Haku's features clouded over for a moment, and the question was obviously rhetorical.

Minato nodded to the question all the same. "You are in limbo, a place I lovingly refer to as the 'White Space'. This is the final stopping point on the path to your final destination, which will be decided by me. I am sorry if your death comes as a shock to you, I know that"- Minato was cut off by Haku placing a hand in front of him.

"No, it is quite alright. I died protecting what was most precious to me, having regrets over that now would tarnish my love for that person. I accepted what I was to do long before it was asked of me. Please, spare me your regrets, for I have none." Haku spoke softly and with a purpose.

Minato smiled at the young man. "I'll skip the speech then. Please, have a seat."Minato motioned to the chair opposite of his.

Haku sat down in the chair and watched as Minato pulled a file out of thin air and opened it.

Minato let out an appreciative whistle. He had to admit it wasn't often that he got a ninja of this caliber in here this young, mostly because geniuses on Haku's level had a tendency to survive a lot longer than this. Haku's file had taken him by surprise though. He had expected someone far different to be the apprentice of Momochi Zabuza. Often people who were chosen to be taught by monsters such as him were swept up in their blood lust along with them. However Haku had only killed thirty eight people in his lifetime. Such a number was a spectacularly low amount for a ninja of the boy's natural talent, skill, and prodigious upbringing. Before him stood a good man who had tried his best to do good despite some tough circumstances.

Minato kept flipping through the pages as Haku waited patiently for him to finish when the blond stopped suddenly at the death page. Written in clear print was the name of Haku's killer, "Hatake Kakashi." That little fact took Minato a moment to get over, but eventually he resumed his reading and before long the file was sat down and Minato's eyes now rested on Haku.

"You have lead a harsh life, it disturbs me sometimes to think about the state that I left the world all those years ago. I left behind a lot of problems it seems." _Including that man_. "But this isn't about me, it's about you. I've skimmed your file and if you don't mind I have a few questions for you."

"Oh?" Haku said.

"Indeed." Minato's one word answer appeared to be enough for him.

Haku face showed no emotion although he was curious about what the man before him could possibly want to know. After a moment of thought Haku believed he had come to the correct conclusion. "You came across someone you were familiar with in your life in my file?"

Minato nodded. "Yes. The person who killed you, actually. Hatake Kakashi, He was a student of mine many years ago, and I taught him everything that he knows about being a ninja." _That may be slightly exaggerated, _Minato added in his head. _  
_

Haku at this point put a finger to his chin, thinking what he just heard over. "I don't know... Kakashi-san seemed very skilled, you don't look like much of anything. Are you sure you taught him anything?" Haku smiled at Minato as if he had said nothing out of place.

Minato's face twitched slightly at the obvious slight. "I may not look like much of anything, but at least I am not mistaken for a girl everywhere I go."

Haku rolled his eyes. "I have to confess it seems that you have a point. You are the second person in as many days to comment on that. Personally I just think the both of you haven't seen very many beautiful women in your lifetimes to confuse me with a woman."

Before Minato could think of another quip to fire back at Haku, another thought interceded his thinking process. "Wait, another person confused you for a girl? It wasn't Kakashi was it? I thought I instilled a little more tact in him than that."

Haku rolled his eyes again. _Says the guy who brought it up within five minutes of meeting me, maybe you should have instilled some tact in yourself. _Haku didn't dare say that out loud. "No, not Kakashi-san. It was one of his young genin. I must confess, he was one of the most unique ninjas I ever had the fortune to cross paths with. His name was Uzumaki Naruto, and I am sure he will succeed in his goal of becoming Hokage one day."

As soon as Haku had mentioned his son's name Minato immediately picked up the boy's file again and began flipping through it searching for any mention of Naruto. Finding it he read over the brief entry.

_Haku encountered a ninja from Konoha named Uzumaki Naruto who thought she was a very pretty woman. After correcting his mistake, Haku laughed at Naruto kindly as he was in shock. It is my feeling that someone should suggest glasses to young Mr. Uzumaki, as it isn't that hard to tell that Haku is male, but that's for another file I suppose._

Minato made a note to find out who wrote that and kick their ass.

"Did you know Naruto-kun while you were still alive?" Haku's question made Minato smile.

"Yes, I would say so, considering I am his father," Minato said.

Haku's eyebrows rose into his hairline at that, he had not been expecting that at all. "Well, if you could have seen him I am sure you would have been very proud of him. I had the chance to fight him before I died, and I must say while he had no knowledge of battle tactics or anything resembling proper ability, he has a big heart. The way he fights to protect those precious to him was humbling and beyond reproach, I am sure nothing will stop his dream. If nothing else he is too hard headed to give in."

Minato's grin at that moment probably couldn't have been knocked off by the Kyuubi itself. His boy was not only a ninja, but a man who fought to protect the things most important in life: Your loved ones. This news calmed any worry he could have possibly had over how Naruto had turned out, and a burden that he didn't know was there had suddenly lifted. The knowledge that Kakashi, his former star pupil, was teaching him was an added bonus. The white that surrounded him didn't seem quite so suffocating anymore.

"I thank you for your time, Haku. You have eased my mind considerably. Not only that, but reading over your file and having a chance to talk to you has made my decision quite easy."

Haku's face clouded over in confusion at that last remark. "Decision?" Haku asked.

"As I mentioned earlier I am the one that decides where everyone goes. You are no exception to that rule. You don't have anything to worry about though, you are a good person with a kind heart. You won't be mistreated where you are going, Haku-san." With those words spoken Minato snapped his fingers and a door appeared a few feet from Haku with the number nineteen etched into the middle of it.

"You can step through now Haku. Be free from the weight of the world, you've earned it."

Minato's sincerity almost brought Haku to tears. Haku felt a warmth spread through him as Minato's comforting words sunk in. This man was certainly his son's father. He had the same good heart.

Haku grabbed a hold of the handle when a question occurred to him.

"We talked for quite sometime, however I still do not even know your name. If you don't mind...?" Haku trailed off.

Minato smiled. "Not at all. I have many names throughout the ninja world, Haku-san. I was born Namikaze Minato. During the last great ninja war as I waged a war against a nation that was attacking my country I was given the moniker "Konoha's Yellow Flash", a name praised by my allies and feared by my enemies. However the name I hold dearest to my heart is one that my mentor gave me shortly before my death and the one that one as young as you is most likely to recognize: The Yondaime Hokage."

Haku smiled at the last name. "I am humbled. It has been an honor, Minato-kun." Haku bowed slightly before turning to the door and passing through it, leaving Minato alone once again.

Minato leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind him and thought over his conversation with Haku. Naruto being a ninja now excited Minato, although he supposed it should worry him a bit as well considering how dangerous of a job it was.

Oh who was he kidding, worrying was a job for a mother! He felt nothing but pure pride. His boy was a ninja! Cracking a large smile at the thought Minato began to fill out Haku's paperwork.

_Now that Naruto is a ninja, I wonder if I am going to be having more interesting people stopping by and visiting? Somehow I find it likely. _After he finished that thought Minato reached for several forms and got lost in the paperwork. _  
_

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Foot Notes:

(1) It should be noted that Iwa, IE the Hidden Rock village located in Earth Country, is the sworn enemy of Namikaze Minato, the main character of this story. For some reason they took it personally when a man no older than twenty started to carve up their forces like one would expect a man to carve up a turkey. In traditional society parents soothed their children by checking under the bed for monsters, in Iwa parents checked under their own beds for the Yellow Flash.

(2) Despite Jiraiya's belief that Minato's mere existence would cut down on paper use in Konoha, that hope turned out to be in vain. By the time Minato had made Jounin all of the paper that had been printed solely to get the talented man's autograph had rid the world of several lovely forests.

(3) Sometimes in this instance actually refers to all the time, and you aren't going to tell the being who is responsible for everything death different, are you?

(4) After Minato had used the calling button a few times, the Shinigami began to get annoyed and worked in conjunction with several other various Gods to erase it from existence. To this day Minato will sometimes reach for a button when he needs to call on the Shinigami and look around for a moment or two in confusion, unsure of what he was doing. Sadly for the Shinigami he is aware every time that Minato makes this motion as his fellow Gods do not like him nearly as much as he would like to think they do.

(5) The Shinigami had been very pleased to have a Hokage under his control, and he made no effort to keep this a secret. Referring to Minato as "Hokage-kun" seemed to provide the Death God with an extra bounce in his evil step throughout the day.

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**A/N: **Chapter one complete! Minato's adventures in the afterlife are going to be many, and hopefully you all enjoy his journey.

_Edited 09/15/2011_


	2. In Which The Shinigami Stabs Someone

**2: In Which The Shinigami Stabs Someone **

* * *

Minato put his pen down and sighed with relief. Haku was one of the good ones, so Minato had no problem placing him with other virtuous souls while pardoning him for all of the misdeeds he was forced to partake in while living a harsh life. The kid's paperwork wasn't complicated so it only had taken him four bags of candy to finish it, as opposed to the twelve bags that most paperwork took. Some things never changed, and paperwork was one of them.(1) It was needlessly complex even in the best of times, required a maddening amount of signatures and initialing, and it probably was never actually going to be read despite the loud and all very mocking protests of the Shinigami. Did the deity really have to smirk so unconvincingly whenever Minato brought it up?

Minato looked at the man opposite of him and was suddenly wistful for another stack of paperwork. That's never a good sign for the direction of the day.

Minato never knew his mother, but if he had he was sure that she would have told him there were going to be days like today. He had lived through a lot of bad days, and didn't live through one for that matter. He knew that when things weren't going his way he just had to push through because the only other option was just to be useless for a day.(2) Today Minato would have gladly been lazy and just hopped back into his bed to sleep the day away; the only problem with Minato's brilliant plan was that he had no bed and from experience the desk was not a proper sleeping surface. That option not on the table, or the desk as it were, Minato had just decided to tough it out and get down to business. That was a lesson that Sarutobi Hiruzen had instilled in Minato early into his tenure as Hokage.

It was on the day that Minato began his duties as Hokage and his predecessor, the Sandaime Hokage, had been giving him one final speech about his duties before the old man left the position forever.(3)

"Minato-kun," the old man had begun. "I know you will make a fine Hokage. You were not chosen lightly, the entire village is proud of everything you have accomplished thus far and everything that you will accomplish as the watchful shadow of this village." Hiruzen paused a moment to take a puff from his pipe. "I will leave you to it. Good luck, Minato-kun." Sarutobi smiled and left the Hokage Tower a little too quickly to be considered natural.

Minato smiled at the Sandaime Hokage's kind words. _That old man sure is nice, I'll have to get him a gift basket or something,_ Minato mused. _Although something didn't seem quite right with our conversation just now. Oh well. _Perhaps if the young Hokage had been paying more attention to the older man's body language he would have picked up on subtle hints of deception and nervousness. However, in his foolishness, he had allowed himself to drop his guard around the seemingly kind old man.(4) Minato opened the door to his office and his eyes widened in a mixture of shock and horror. There were mountains of paperwork in his office. Although, when asked later, Minato had thought it might be more appropriate to say there was an office which just happened to surround mountains of paperwork.

Half way across the village Sarutobi heard Minato scream his name and the killing intent could be felt by everyone nearby. "I've still got it!" Sarutobi said to himself in triumph.

Minato had been pissed about that until the day he died, which tended to put things in perspective. He had also found a new appreciation for Sarutobi Hiruzen's cleverness. That old man had played him like a fool, "letting" him become Hokage like that. The old man probably threw a party as soon as he had gotten rid of those robes. _Joke is on you though old man, _Minato thought, _I gave you the job right back!_

Despite his misgivings with all forms of paperwork Minato had enjoyed many of his days as Hokage; it just so happened those days were the ones where he didn't have to do paperwork was all. He had gotten a lot accomplished in his short time. In fact, he had eliminated half of the paperwork for himself in the first month. The civilian council had looked at him quite oddly indeed when he had suggested he be given an award for the feat. Minato had been in a sour mood for days when he had been informed of just how much paperwork it would create to give him such an award.

The title of Hokage had come with a few detractions aside from the paperwork, of course. One such detraction was his wonderful master, Jiraiya of the Sannin. He had thought it an exceptionally clever idea to transform into his student and offer the many attractive women who visited the famous Konoha hot springs back rubs to help ease their tensions after a long day. A part of him had wanted to congratulate the man, but Kushina had almost taken his head off when she had heard from one of her friends that Minato was being a _little_ too friendly with the local female population outside of the hot springs.

Jiraiya had tried to run away from Minato but no one ever got too far trying to escape the Yellow Flash. Jiraiya had been forced to talk to Kushina personally about the situation and to clarify the misunderstanding. Jiraiya had looked so bloodied after the meeting Minato couldn't summon up the anger necessary to give him a second beating and instead tended to the perverted man's wounds while reminding him that Tsunade could always make a special return trip to the village for her old teammate. It turned out that Jiraiya valued his life more than his perverted ways and would never try another stunt like that again. At least, that is what Jiraiya said to his student's face. Minato always did have low scores in Interrogation.

Minato liked to remember moments like that. He had been surrounded by people who he had loved and had loved him in return. However he also knew better than to dwell on his life. Remembering the good times was fine every once in a while but if he continued to dwell on it he would just be miserable. It was best to focus on the things he could impact. With that in mind Minato looked up at his current task: the man in front of him. Minato would have rather just beat him up, but the Shinigami probably wouldn't like that. Actually, on second thought, the Shinigami would probably _love_ that which was a good enough reason to avoid doing it.

The person opposite of Minato had a dark, twisted soul that was evident just by listening as he spoke. The kind part of Minato had wanted to simply cut the man's self-absorbed speech off but Minato had held off. The truth was that a tiny, obscure part of Minato's soul held in it just enough darkness to want to see the terrible man in front of him tie the proverbial rope around his own neck and watch as he threw himself off the gallows. To be fair, the man had every chance to plead for mercy from Minato, to humble himself and to beg. He had made no indication of doing so and Minato wasn't going to complain.

Minato glanced down at the case file which belonged to the man currently making an ass out of himself. Gatou, a shrewd and ruthless businessman who had built an empire made up of the shattered dreams of the people he used and oppressed. It wasn't enough for the man to simply gain his money, he had to devise ways to watch people suffer as he prospered. This man was the worst type of clever. Minato thumbed through the file and could scarcely believe some of the descriptions present therein; Every page was littered with talk of murder, torture, and theft. The blond closed the case file before the words on the pages caused him to retch. He held back a sigh and turned his full attention back to Gatou.

Gatou, for his part, had never been as observant as he liked to think. It was true that Gatou's business sense was keen and he had more than the minimum requirement in ruthlessness to succeed in the business world, but his view was hopelessly skewed towards what had worked for him. He understood money very well, and from that understanding he gained insight on how to use money to use people who desired money. Unfortunately for Gatou there was no one to inform him that his narrow concept of the world would be less than useless when speaking to Minato. There was surely someone out there that thought this was a great pity; they were not present in the room for this meeting.

_The Fourth Hokage is taller than I imagined,_ Gatou thought as he mulled over how best to approach the man in front of him. Gatou knew exactly who he was talking to all this time. It would be hard not to; Namikaze Minato was a larger than life figure in the world of shinobi even when Gatou was just getting started with his businesses. His face was in every bingo book outside of Fire Country. Inside of Fire Country there were sculptures, paintings, and various other art forms dedicated to his likeness. He was beyond revered by everyone as the ideal shinobi, a man so strong and so devastating that it took the greatest tailed beast's dying gasps to put him in the grave. He was legendary.

None of those accolades mattered to Gatou in the least. In his mind a shinobi was just a slightly more skilled thug for hire. His money had always been good enough for them just the same as anybody else. Well, except in the case of Zabuza. However that man was a known psychotic so Gatou didn't think he should count in the bigger scheme of things. The Fourth Hokage was just another overhyped killer for hire in Gatou's mind, and Gatou understood how ninja worked. At least that was what Gatou reckoned; Gatou wasn't going to be the one doing the reckoning around here for long.

Gatou, who had taken a moment to pause from what he thought to be a clever spiel about a business relationship he could forge with Minato, began again. "I believe the points I have laid out make it clear that while I share some of the benefit of our relationship, it is you who would be granted the majority of the gains here," Gatou said with confidence. Gatou was very proud of himself, he really thought he sounded quite debonair.

Minato was well aware how little Gatou thought of him. It was plain to see on the man's face and made even more evident by the man's past dealings with ninja in his life. Minato had long ago shed his tolerance for being looked down upon and Gatou was going to find that out the hard way. In this case the hard way involved sharp objects and Gatou's soul coming together for some play time.

Minato smiled at Gatou in much the same way a hyena smiles at a wounded gazelle; Gatou didn't know what a hyena or a gazelle was. Gatou smiled back at Minato, encouraged by the look Minato was giving him. After several moments Gatou's smile faltered as Minato said nothing. Minato let the silence rule the white space for several minutes before he spoke again. "Tell me more about how I would benefit from seeing things your way." Minato had tried his best to sound neutral, so naturally he accomplished the task rather easily. He hadn't spent a lot of time in Interrogation but he did know a few things when it came to making people ill at ease. One of the first things he had been taught was to add random pauses in the middle of a conversation. It made people overthink what you yourself were thinking about. For reference, Minato was thinking about making out with Kushina which was an awesome thought.

"As I said before, I think it would be beneficial to you to put me somewhere befitting a man of my stature. You will find I lived a highly successful life full of triumph, not unlike your own in many ways. We were both visionaries of our field, we were not? Where others refused to go we marched forward like the brave men we have proven ourselves to be time and again. Surely there is something I can offer you compensate for whatever generous offer you are willing to extend to me." Gatou was quite proud of himself for the way he performed just now. He could not help but to smile at his ability to twist words just the way he wanted them until they sounded simply splendid. He felt it was a deft touch on his part to make a comparison between his success and the Minato's success. There was not a man alive that could resist Gatou's pull. (5)

"You're pretty stupid, you know that?" Minato said softly.

Gatou was speechless at the audacity of the man.

Minato flicked his eyes down at the file in front of him before his blue orbs locked onto Gatou. The stare unnerved Gatou like nothing else had before. There was nothing humane or kind in those eyes, nor anything merciful or charitable. It was like looking at Death himself. (6)

Gatou tried to think of something, anything, to say but his normally collected thoughts were impossibly cluttered by the look Minato was giving him. Those eyes, those icy eyes, froze his mind solid with panic and fear.

"The file," Minato began, "had led me to believe that you were capable of great moments of both greed and stupidity but this… this might just be one for the record books." Minato let out a mirthless chuckle before continuing. "You sit in front of me and despite just having lost your life because of your greed you talk and you talk about how great you were. How you can offer me so much. You, Gatou, can offer me absolutely nothing of worth. You have nothing." Minato stabbed the middle of the Gatou's file with his index finger. "All of this is gone now. You spent your life acquiring things that you couldn't bring with you in death. Things like love you could have brought with you. That endures. You are noticeably empty handed, and for what? All of it just so that you could make more money in pursuit of the life you wanted. Well, let me be for last to congratulate you because you got the life you wanted. Now I am here to collect the final payment for it."

Gatou wasn't exactly a complex man when it came to how he responded to pressure. He was like a light switch. Either he lied or he sent minions blindly at the problem. He didn't have any minions here, so he chose to lie. No one ever said the light the switch was attached to was very bright.

"Now see here, I think that is a bit of an overstatement, I'll have you-" Minato cut off the short man.

"You are mistaken about how this works," Minato said.

"Excuse me?" Gatou asked looking very flustered.

"I said, you are mistaken about how this works," Minato repeated. "You don't get to talk. You don't get a chance to lie. There is no escape for you here. No loopholes. You are going to a dark, twisted place where your soul is going to be tortured in ways your petty mind could never dream up. Any last words?"

"Yes! Several! I'll have you know that-urk" Gatou's words stopped suddenly as a pained expression came over his face before he slumped forward. The source of Gatou's pain soon became apparent as a scythe had been lodged squarely into the man's spine.

Minato was not paying attention to the scythe in Gatou's back, but its wielder who was currently giving him an evil grin.

Standing behind Gatou in all of his glory was the god of death, the Shinigami. The life-consuming being with whom Minato had traded an eternity of servitude in exchange for the longterm safety of his village. Whenever a monstrous looking smile worked its way onto the Shinigami's face it was usually never good for anyone else involved. This would not be an exception. "Minato-kun, you talk too much. If I wanted you to talk for hours on end about what you are going to do I would have penned the script myself. It would also involve a lot more pain and suffering than merely my own having to witness your ineptitude. Honestly, get a speech writer or just shut up already."

Minato held back a sigh. "Shinigami-sama, I was just explaining to him what my judgment was. As you know that's the protocol for judging souls. You handed me the book for this job yourself..."

The Shinigami had a puzzled look on his face as he tried to remember what Minato was talking about. "Oh, right. You actually _read_ that? You really were stupid when I pulled you from your body all those years ago." The Shinigami looked at the various candy wrappers scattered across Minato's desk. "Some things haven't changed," he said pretending to say it under his breath despite saying it more loudly than he had anything else.

Minato twitched.

The Shinigami saw Minato about to have a nervous breakdown and decided to level with him. "Minato-kun, if you wish to keep your audience captivated you cannot simply tell them what is going on, but you must show them! Anyone worth their salt in story telling knows that to keep the interest of even the most mundane mind there has to be action. For example, whilst you talked about torturing Gatou I stuck my scythe in his back. Look at him, I think I put his soul into a state of shock by damaging it so badly. When I decide to repair the damage just enough so he can scream at how his soul has been shredded he will not need your stupid narration to know he is being tortured."

The Shinigami's words made sense to Minato, although he was still pissed about all of those long nights he had spent going over that book the Shinigami had given him. "I understand, Shinigami-sama, I will endeavor to do better from now on."

The Shinigami rolled his eyes. Leave it to Minato to take all the fun out of making fun of him. "I am sure you will. As for your judgment I skimmed your notes and found a great vacation spot for our mutual friend here." The Shinigami picked up Gatou by the back of the neck and dug his claws into the man's tender flesh. "Do try to keep busy, Minato-kun." With an evil laugh and a black puff of smoke the Shinigami vanished from the White Space along with Gatou.

Minato began to shuffle paperwork silently as he thought over his day so far. Haku had been the highlight of the day for certain. Any connection to his son, even one as tenuous as Haku's few words happened to be, was treasured by the blond. Minato stopped shuffling the paperwork and opened one of his desk drawers and took out a picture of a pregnant Kushina. The love of his life with his now ninja son in her belly. He had so many plans for his son, so many things to teach him, so many charts lying unused in his manor...

Minato sighed. Oh the charts.

* * *

**Footnotes:**

**1:** Despite it never changing, paperwork had an alarming resistance to both fire and sharp objects. Minato had really been meaning to look into that.

**2:** Half the population of Iwa sincerely wished Minato had been okay with being useless for a few days during their war with Konoha. The rest could not be polled on account of being dead.

**3:** Forever isn't what it used to be.

**4:** You let one pretty girl with several deadly explosives into a civilian encampment and they never let you forget it...

**5:** Studies show that Gatou's charm has a zero percent success rate against people who are dead, but admittedly the sample size is somewhat limited.

**6:** The Shinigami was highly offended by the very thought that Minato passé pretty boy face could ever be mistaken for his own gorgeously gruesome glare. This would lead to mass candy theft as a reprisal.

* * *

A/N: If this is your first time reading this chapter, be glad and be aware that some of the chapters ahead are much older than this one and are therefore "less good", to put it lightly.

_Rewritten July 15th, 2012._


	3. Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?

**Chapter 3: ****Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?**

* * *

Minato sighed. He was currently enduring the worst part about his job. Well, putting the hate mail he received from Hell aside.

Minato had nothing to do. It had been hours since he had judged Gatou and since then he had been all alone in this white space. It was in these moments that he realized how alone he was. No one to talk to outside of newly departed souls. Even then, they would stick around only for so long. So he was stuck with either having nothing to do (besides plotting a second death for a certain pervert, which he would never admit to doing in the first place) or wishing that people would die quicker. Anyone who knew him knew the latter wasn't likely to happen anytime soon, so he was stuck being bored.

That is until the Death God decided to pay him an unexpected visit.

Never one to be short on dramatics, the normally white room turned pitch black and ominous music played as the cloaked figure stepped out of thick air (because thin air was so cliché according to the Death God) .With a snap of the Shinigami's fingers, the room returned to white and the music stopped. He looked down at the blonde, looking not the least happy.

"Hello, Hokage-kun." Said the stoic sounding (but undoubtedly unpleased) Death God.

The deceased Hokage was forced to look up from his plot to murder his sensei once he arrived in limbo and give his full attention to his superior. There were few times when the Death God was not pleased. While Yondaime had never had to worry about being the focus of his wrath (for he was his favorite) others were not so lucky.

"Shinigami-sama, is something the matter?" Minato tried to keep his tone formal. It was hard to do so when the being before him was obviously trying to keep a casual air about him, even though he was radiating killing intent.

_Whose he trying to fool, trying to be cool like that…_

The Death God rose up to his full height and his false smile was replaced with a look of pure … _annoyance_?

_Geesh, I actually fell for his cheap 'Oh look at me I am super scary' drama act. I am getting too old for this._

"Hokage-kun, how long has it been since you replaced the power source for the queue indication device?" The Shinigami said the words slyly, which meant there was something Minato was supposed to get within that upfront question of his.

_Hmmm, let's see…_

Yondaime looked at his desk and checked the calendar.

"It's been around 12 months since I last changed it, why did you think it was important to let me know this?" Yondaime had a scowl on his face when he asked his not so sincere question. His day had been very tiring and busy for him. Sure, being bored sucked. But this over-dramatic facade had to end sooner rather than later.

"Hokage-kun, how often are you supposed to change the power source within it?" The Death God was speaking slower than normal, as if talking to a child who does not comprehend something very basic.

Minato let out a soft groan, recalling a conversation about this very subject years earlier.

**Flashback**

The deceased Hokage had developed a twitch. This probably shouldn't be possible, given the fact that he had no physical body for a twitch to develop from. Then again, this happened to be the guy that had won well over 10,000,000,000,000,000 in various forms of currency from people taking bets against him on the fact that a punk like him could never become Hokage. Granted, half of it was from Tsunade-chan. The Hokage managed to put on a smile remembering the only sentence Jiraiya had managed to spurt out when he found out that Tsunade had bet against his dream of Hokage.

_Congratulations in advance. Could you…make all the bathing houses in Konoha co-ed when you get the job?_

Doubtless to say he had a bit more to say, but Tsunade decided that her old teammate looked like he needed a nap via one of her fists.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he just shook his head at the visage before him. It would seem, according to the screams of mass murder (literally) that the powerful (and very proud) Uchiha clan had been slaughtered. Minato found this startling, seeing that whoever did this must have been sickeningly powerful. Not to mention twisted. Oh sure, mass murder was horrible to begin with. It was worse when _he_ had to do the paper work and deal with those who had been mass murdered.

**5 minutes before**

A woman stepped forward and walked quietly, her head bent in sadness, to Minato's deck.

"Excuse me, but aren't you Yondaime-sama?" Minato had to fight the urge to roll his eyes as everyone suddenly stopped talking and looked at him. Several gasps filled the white void as people recognized him once they had stopped screaming of their own bloody murder.

Although no longer needing an answer, Minato decided to answer the polite question.

"Yes, I am Namikaze Minato, better known as Konoha's Yondaime Hokage."

Minato did not catch the recognition between himself and Naruto in Uchiha Fugaku's eyes.

"S-so… we are really dead?" The voice belonged to a young man who seemed distraught at the prospect.

'I would have thought the screams of being murdered would have been a tip off.' Yondaime thought wryly.

"Yes, I am afraid so. I am sorry that you have fallen victim to a tragedy such as this, but I am afraid that no matter the circumstances, death cannot"- He was cut off by an angry looking man.

"What do you mean you are sorry? You are supposed to be great, why not restore us to life! We are the Uchiha clan, how could this happen to us?" More than half of the clan looked like they agreed with him. The others looked appalled that he would dare speak to a Hokage in that tone of voice.

The first twitch due to the Uchiha clan massacre happened right then.

It would not be the last.

From there things had gone from mildly uncomfortable, to bad, to worse, to Yondaime having a full fledged twitch.

It had certainly been a learning experience for Yondaime. His first years with the Shinigami were more or less always supervised by either the Death God himself or his secretary, who Minato always made sure to call 'Assistant-Sama' after his first encounter with her. But that is another story for another time.

The newbie judge of souls had never had a case like this before even when he had a supervisor to help him. Hundreds of people, slaughtered. He could imagine that the sheer number of deceased at one time only got this high during war times. Minato, who was thinking over this situation while yet another young man was yelling at him irately, was not hesitant to believe that fully trained Shinobi who gave their lives out on the battlefield would not be screaming at him at what an injustice it was. He could not say the same for the majority of this clan.

Not being able to calm the Uchiha clan down, even with a few people on his side, he decided to use a measure he never thought that he would consider.

_Ask the Death God to appear_.

So, finally out of both patience and reasonable options, Minato pressed a red button under his desk.

Nothing happened.

And Minato's twitch got slightly worse.

Minato pressed it again and again. Once again, nothing but the slight noise of the button being pressed occurred.

When he was just about to send every last soul here to eternal damnation and blame it on stress later, the Death God appeared besides Minato with a worried look on his face. Truth be told, he didn't exactly have facial expressions, it just sort of looked like it by the lighting in the room.

"Sorry for the bad response time, Hokage-kun. There has been a lot of lag with the death server today for some reason." The Shinigami had obviously chosen to ignore the dozens of terrified screams coming from the others in the room caused by the aura of dread surrounding him. Tilting his head to the left he looked over all of the newly deceased people.

"Ah, that would explain the lag."

Minato had managed to calm down his twitch, although anyone who looked at him could tell that he was very strained and set to go off at any moment.

"Shinigami-sama, I can't handle all of these people. They are driving me nuts." The Death God raised an eyebrow.

"How long have they been bothering you, Hokage-kun?"

Minato looked at a clock on the wall and did some academy math.

"Around fifteen minutes, why?" The Death God made a noise that could have been mistaken for a chuckle if one believed a creature such as it could have made such a noise.

"Minato," this caused the man to sit up straighter and look at his superior. The Death God almost never called him by his given name, so this had to be important.

"…you are a moron."

_You have got to be kidding me…_

"My favorite moron, mind you, but a moron nonetheless. Whenever you have problems come to me. No matter how small you believe they are. While it is true I like to see how you adapt to situations without my assistance, the credibility of your work comes before my amusement." The Yondaime was shocked. The Death God was actually coming off wise for once. He waited a few moments for the Death God to start to snicker or say a wise crack, but it never came.

"Anyway, your situation is solved easily enough." The Death put a hand inside of his robe and withdrew a small control panel with a singular black button on it and a red light at the top.

"This is the Queue Button. Pressing the black button will remove everyone from _this_ limbo into another one. A waiting room, if you will. When there is no one in here pressing the black button will let a person inside of here so you can handle them one at a time. **It runs off a special crystal; make sure you change the power source at least every 12 months.** The panels and buttons come in a lot of different colors if you want your favorite color. Oh, we are also working on an auto feature in the near future so you won't have to press the button. It's really neat." Minato couldn't help but think that the Death God reminded him of a giddy teenage girl who was talking about their latest love.

_Hold on a second…_

"What do you mean by 'we'?" There was no mistaking the grin that appeared on the Shinigami's face this time.

"Quick as always, Hokage-kun. As I have told you before, I have a few other souls who work for me for one reason or another. Maybe you'll get to meet them sometime. I dare say a couple of them would intrigue you to no end."

Minato was about to question him but the Death God put his hand up.

"I must be off. Have fun!" With that the Death God disappeared from view and Minato had a long day judging the Uchiha clan.

**End Flashback**

"Right, I forgot the crystal needed to be changed. My apologies, Shinigami-sama." Yondaime gave a slight nod of his head to make up for a bow and the Death God couldn't help but feel mocked.

"Anyway Hokage-kun, since you have let it deplete the Queue button will need replacing. You have a long line of people waiting. Since this is broken, you can't let anyone enter here due to the systems based around this handy button. However, I'll let the next soul in when I leave. I daresay it won't take me long to fix this, so by the time you are done I'll be back." With that the Shinigami opened a portal (_show off…)_ and left through it.

In his place stood Momochi Zabuza, demon of the hidden mist.

"Hello Zabuza." The Yondaime greeted civilly.

Zabuza slowly turned his body around to face Minato. When he looked to the blonde's face his eyes widened in surprise.

"Yondaime Hokage? The last place I expected to see you hanging out was Hell." There was no humor in his voice. It was a resigned bluntness that allowed Zabuza to say those words so casually. The judge of all souls let out a hearty laugh.

"While the white walls do tend to put me in a bad mood, this is not hell Zabuza. This is limbo. This is where your soul will be judged. It is I who will be doing the judging." The Yondaime looked over Zabuza thoroughly. He was surprised that Zabuza had kept his sword even in death. It wasn't unheard of, as he himself had kept the sword gifted to him by Gamabunta, a miniature of the boss frog's own weapon. The man seemed to be calm and relaxed. The blonde would go as far as to say at peace. It was rare for a shinobi who died in battle to be at peace completely. This new development could only mean one thing.

_More paperwork…_

"Requesting file of Momochi Zabuza." Minato extended his right hand and a folder appeared in his hand as soon as his arm was fully extended.

Minato motioned Zabuza forward as he began to flip through a very large folder.

"This is good stuff. I'd suggest writing a life story and getting it published." Zabuza couldn't help but feel at ease with the Yondaime. He spoke in such a stupidly casual manner that you'd think he was talking about clouds rather than someone's life. Yondaime flipped a page and continued. "You were a highly skilled killer at a startlingly young age. The sheer volume of blood that you have spilled is truly remarkable. It cannot be said that you were ever a clean worker. While shinobi must be held to a different standard in terms of murder due to the nature of our business, you were never one to show mercy to anyone. The weak, the young, the innocent, it made no difference to you. That pisses me off."

Zabuza froze. Something had slipped into the Yondaime's voice in the last few sentences that wasn't casual whatsoever. It was a raw emotion. Anger? Disgust? Zabuza didn't care much about his judgment, but he just proved to him that he wasn't all smoke and mirrors.

_This guy… I don't think he even knows he can freeze people with just his voice… So this is why he is respected even in death. _

Minato kept flipping through pages, reading quickly all the important parts of the report. The pride of the Namikaze clan was looking for something to indicate a change in Zabuza. Finally Minato did something he liked to do a great deal.

He put the paperwork down.

Minato scratched the back of his head and put on a wide grin. Zabuza merely stood there silently . In fact, he had been doing that a lot since arriving here. Yondaime decided to get him to be a bit more talkative.

"You know, Haku would be a very pretty girl." _I should win an acting award for keeping a straight face while saying this…_

Zabuza's left eye began to twitch.

"He means a lot to you, doesn't he?" Minato stated the question more than ask it.

"Yeah, he is my son, blood or no blood. He was too damn good for the world." Zabuza had a few tears on his cheeks just thinking about Haku. Zabuza believed that there was no shame in letting emotions show off duty in front of your betters. The Yondaime was certainly his better. Kakashi had defeated him to earn that respect from Zabuza. That Uzumaki brat…

Might just change the Shinobi world if he lived long enough.

Zabuza wasn't one to get sentimental, but the kid had him pegged with that speech about himself and Haku. The kid didn't have the talent of Haku, but he had something just as important.

Guts.

No matter what you do in life, if you want to be great, be it for good or for evil, you have to stand up for your way of life.

He knew he had failed to do that when he had been hired by Gatou. A gutless pig was all that bastard ever was. Yet he allowed himself to be hired. At least he took care of that problem himself.

He hoped that kid would raise hell, he had it in him.

"I spoke with Haku earlier and it seems you met my son. How is Naruto doing?" Zabuza could feel the 4th Hokage appraising him intently. He just shrugged it off, not like you could get any worse than hell.

"He is a mouthy little bastard, that's for sure. " Minato took the time to scratch the back of his head, remembering his own childhood. He guessed that his son inherited his loud mouth antics from him.

_I am glad I have moved passed such immaturity…_

Somewhere, an angel cried.

"The kid is going to make a fine shinobi, I am sure. If he can set a stray dog like me straight, he'll be alright." The blonde raised his eyebrow at this admittance.

"Set you straight? Care to explain what you mean by that?"

And so Zabuza launched into the age old tradition of retelling an epic story.

**Thirty Minutes Later…**

Minato was grinning ear to ear, pride clearly showing in his eyes at his son's heroics. He was very glad that his son seemed to not be spoiled whatsoever. In fact his son was probably in a better position than he himself was at that age from the sound of it. The grin quickly slid off his face as he turned back to Zabuza.

"I believe you are a changed man Zabuza. Nevertheless you have committed too many horrible deeds for my conscious to allow you off the hook so easily. So, for a time undetermined, I have sentenced you to the worst fate imaginable." The blonde bowed his head for a moment to allow Zabuza to absorb all of that information.

After a few moments Zabuza's curiosity got the better of him.

"What punishment do you speak of?"

Minato looked up with a _very_ big smirk.

"You are now my assistant."

* * *

**A/N: **The White Space would have been lonely without somone to keep Minato company. Plus, I have a lot of bad intentions planned for poor Zabuza.


	4. Minato's Day Off

**Chapter 4: ****Minato's Day Off**

**

* * *

**

In life, phrases often have different meanings than their literal face value would have you believe. When one thinks of a 'death glare' it conjures up images of a livid expression on a person's face that one could associate with a state of psychosis, the state of mind that happens to be perfect for murder.

Minato did not fear this humanized meaning of 'death glare.' He had been on the receiving end of several of these, from friend and foe alike. Of course, he had always been too noble to put someone else under a death glare. It simply wasn't in his kind nature.

If you listened closely enough, you could hear an angel begin to sob as soon as Minato thought himself 'too noble' to use a death glare. Someone should really check on those angels, crying randomly can't be healthy.

Back to the present situation, Minato was not in the best of positions. He was receiving a death glare from… well, death. Or at the very least the god of said subject. It seemed that the Death God had taken a _very_ keen interest in his precious 'Hokage-kun' and his decision that Zabuza's judgment should be delayed. For no matter how Minato put it, as long as Zabuza stayed within the limbo realms and was not apart of a contract (such as Minato's with the Death God) he had not officially moved on. To say that the Death God's 'death glare' was more intimidating than the usual ones might have been an understatement. When the entity responsible for all death sends you a death glare, there is only rational thing to do.

Body flicker the hell out of there!

And thus Minato did so.

While the Shinigami was only playing with his favorite subordinate about the Zabuza situation, he couldn't help but feel slightly disgruntled that the pride of his collection had simply run away from him as if he was some monster to be feared. Granted he surrounded himself in an aura of dread for effect, but that was just cold of Minato. Besides, everyone always said he came off as friendly despite his demeanor.

…Well, all the ones that had lived past the Shinigami's 'screening process' to tell others anyway.

The Death God sighed and walked over to Zabuza, who sat in the corner of limbo muttering death threats (never mind the fact that anyone he'd meet would already be well past the 'murder you viciously' phase of things in their existence) towards no one in particular (or so the Shinigami told Minato when he inquired what the Death God was cackling about sometime later).

"Zabuza-san, it seems that our beloved Hokage has decided to take a break from his duties. Technically I should step in for a time since I oversee all of his work. Alas, technically he should not have an assistant as well. So, let us put technicalities aside and assign you temporary status as judge of souls!" Zabuza raised an eyebrow at the seemingly rushed plan from the Death God. It only took a few moments for Zabuza to realize that the Death God had never asked him if he _wanted_ the job, just told him how it was going to be. Sadly Zabuza didn't have the balls to dispute the Death God's plan. Sighing inwardly, he decided to cooperate for the time being.

"When do I start?"

**Meanwhile…**

Minato had finally stopped his continuous use of his very broken and very useful body flicker technique to look around. Looking to his left he saw a large black 'four' neatly labeling a door leading out of the very large valley.

"Ah, realm four, I figured I was heading in the right direction." The blonde smiled as he began to walk towards the river that was near the valley. This was a more or less unused section of the afterlife inhabited only by a scarce few full time. Many wandering souls came here to get over the grief of death and leaving their loved ones behind. It also made an excellent vacation spot if you wished to be reminded of the gentle beauty that nature had to offer.

It sure as hell beat white.

But the Hokage had no wish to merely admire the scenery. It had been a very long time (Okay, so it was more like 5 weeks) since he had visited his dearly departed wife. When he had sacrificed himself using the Shiki Fuujin he had believed his wife was in stable condition. It had broken his heart that a mere few hours after his death his wife joined him, leaving his son an orphan. The only comfort he had was he knew Sarutobi would never let any harm come to the boy. He would always have someone watching his back. This was part of the reason he had been so pleased to hear Kakashi was his sensei. He had been an orphan for many years, he could relate to the boy. Be a father-like figure like he was to _his_ genin.

Still, it had taken awhile for him to be relaxed regarding his son's situation. In fact many days after his death Minato wondered if his parting words to his son might have addled his brain a little.

**Flashback**

The Yondaime Hokage was ablaze with chakra. The Death God was standing behind him, his blade ready to pierce the blonde's body to end the fight with the monster Kyuubi.

Minato looked down and let out a painful sigh as his son looked up at him, a smile on his face. Uncomprehending of the magnitude of the situation around him. Minato hoped he could keep that smile all his life.

"Naruto… daddy won't be there for you. But know that he loves you." The blonde man began to sob softly in mental agony. He so wished there was another way. His son's smile faded as he looked at his father with sad blue eyes, seemingly understanding the raw emotion needed for the situation now. Minato continued. "I want you to grow up to be strong my son. Replace me as Hokage one day, protect our village. Protect your mother. Do you hear me Naruto? Protect my precious Sakura-chan!" Kissing his baby boy on the forehead, he laid his son down atop Gamabunta and finished the sealing technique. He died minutes later, in the arms of the Sandaime Hokage.

**End Flashback**

_Well I know he wants to become Hokage, but that may just be a fluke. Although I wonder, since Sakura died, how did his brain process that information if becoming a Hokage **was** due to me? Hope he didn't react to it in some extreme fashion._

He shrugged it off; it wasn't anything to worry over.

He had never broken his stride and he was now walking atop the river. He stopped in mid-stride (and very nearly got his hooky playing behind soaked) when he sensed another presence near him.

"Sakura-chan?" He muttered to himself and looked around. He immediately regretted it.

"Pervert-chan! Do you know how much trouble you have been causing? Shinigami-sama has been cranky ever since you decided skip out on him. You are so lucky he can't be bothered to snap his fingers to bring you back, or you'd be in so much trouble!" _I wonder if I should enlighten her to the fact that Shinigami-sama just likes sending her on fetch quests._

…

_Nah._

"Assistant-sama, there is no need to yell. I am sure the good ole boss will get over me missing a few days." The blonde put on his best 'I am too lovable to be hated' smile. It worked somewhat.

"Minato, why must you pull stunts like this? Honestly, if you wanted to take a walk I'd have been glad to walk with you." The young (looking) woman let a seductive smirk play on her lips and Minato fought the urge to run (or body flicker) away.

"Assistant-sama, I am afraid to say that I am happily married, even in death." Minato looked at her for a moment before sighing. "Are you drinking, Assistant-sama?" He said this as a mere formality. When he actually focused on her it was easy to tell that she had been drinking. Sake would seem to be her drink of choice today.

The woman beside him let out a rude sounding snort and ignored his question.

"What kind of wench would marry you, per-vert-chaaan!" The syllables of the name were said slowly and were dragged out slightly.

Minato didn't seem to take too kindly to her words. The first clue(s) could have been the blue sky darkening to grey and an impossibly large amount of killing intent oozing off of Minato.

It also could have been the sign over his head that said "Dangerous: handle with care." We'll never know.

The Death God's secretary sobered up amazingly fast (it seems that 'Fear' is her anti-drug) and laughed nervously.

"I'll be going on my way now _Minato-kun._" There was no mistaking the sweetness in her voice as she said his name.

"You do that." Minato's voice was impassive, though the look in his eyes spoke volumes to the woman.

She opened a portal and quickly jumped through, leaving Minato all by himself.

The blonde man then began to laugh his head off.

"Everyone must think I have a nasty temper. No wonder it is so easy for the boss to scare people, they are pathetic targets!" _Although she will pay for that comment. _He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Shrugging the thoughts away, he continued to his wife's cabin.

Finally getting there he was about to enter when he saw a note on the door.

_Dear Minato,_

_I have gone out on some business. I won't be back for several months. Sorry honey, we'll have to catch up another time. Love you and hope to see you as soon as possible._

_Sakura_

Minato's eyebrow rose at the mention of 'business'.

_Her job again, eh? What a hassle._

Determined not to let his impromptu leave from his job go to waste, Minato decided to lay low for a little bit and get some much deserved R and R.

**Three weeks later**

Zabuza had been tortured in life. He had seen an almost endless amount of bloodshed. He had caused a good deal of the aforementioned bloodshed. Yet, nothing in his life in the mortal realm had prepared him for the task he was now facing.

Explaining to a 6 year old little girl why she couldn't be with her parents anymore.

Zabuza had been having a few weeks of hard work, to say the least. From sob stories, to people threatening to murder him if he didn't return them, to the people who just rocked back and forth and didn't say a word when he tried to explain the situation to them.

This job sucked.

His latest client was a little girl named Lucy from Konoha. Her death was caused by a fall into a well near her home.

He had been trying to calm the girl for several minutes now, but she just continued to sob and fret no matter what he said. Normally he wouldn't give a damn, but Zabuza wasn't heartless and he really felt for the young girl.

He was about to speak again when a poof of smoke appeared to his side.

"Yo." Minato stepped out of the smoke and faced Zabuza with a light smile on his face.

Zabuza was about to behead (even if it would have only been temporally) the blonde when he heard a delighted scream.

"Hokage-sama!" in a blur Lucy had attached herself to Yondaime's legs and was hugging him tightly. The blonde's expression softened tremendously as he mouthed the word 'file' to Zabuza who walked over and handed it to him.

Quickly scanning the mere paragraph on the girl he tossed the file aside and kneeled down towards the little black haired girl.

"What can I do for you, Lucy-chan?" Zabuza had to hide his shock at the tone of voice the Yondaime was using.

_I guess the guy really is the real deal, not only as a shinobi but as a human being as well. What a guy._

Lucy's eyes sparkled with admiration towards Minato.

"My mommy was right! My mommy was right! You really are looking after us!" Lucy's words were almost unintelligible due to the speed that she was managing to spit them out. The blonde haired man was slightly confused.

"What was your mother right about?" Lucy seemed to calm down as a look of sadness came over her face for a brief moment before it was replaced with a modest smile.

"She said that the village's greatest hero, Yondaime Hokage-sama, watched over good little boys and girls. It's true! You are the best Hokage-sama!" With that she reattached herself to his legs and squeezes them as tightly as she could.

Minato blushed slightly at the compliment and scratched the back of his head in embarrassment.

"I'd have thought she would be a little too young for you, Hokage-sama." Zabuza wanted to needle someone or something. Since Haku wasn't around to let him play with his poisoned needles, insults would have to do.

Minato, to his credit, didn't seem to take the bait. He patted Lucy on her head and used the portal opening jutsu to send her on her way.

Yondaime muttered something to himself once Lucy was gone and a file appeared in his hand. Rubbing his chin thoughtfully for a moment he selected a page out of the file and showed it to Zabuza.

"What is this"- he stopped mid sentence as he scanned the page. Moments later his eyes rolled into the back of his head as he fainted.

Minato scratched the back of his head.

_Maybe I overdid it just a bit…_

Yondaime stepped over Zabuza's body (managing to get in a quick kick in the ribs while still looking like he took a natural stride) and whistled all the way back to his desk.

If one were to look over at the piece of paper still firmly clutched in Zabuza's hand, they would find the header to read 'How the Sandaime got his groove back.'

And who said Jiraiya's books weren't useful?

**Sometime later…**

Minato sat at his desk trying to find the answer to a question that had haunted him for many years.

Why were there so few blue M&Ms inside every pack? Really, it was disturbing. Blue was by far the best color in the entire world. And yet other lesser colors got to have their more than fair share of the ratio of M&Ms. I mean sure, travesties such as the murdering of millions were far more tragic if you looked at in a shallow way. But consider this: Minato got to sentence those responsible for mass murder to hell or worse (This would be you, Zabuza-kun!). Yet, these soulless scums who would dare deny blue its rightful day in the M&Ms sun got off with no punishment.

There is no justice.

The blonde was currently looking at his remaining 7 M&Ms from his sweet tooth run. He had started with over 120 of them. Now he was down to 6 blues (there had only been 6 blues in the entire 120 plus, what horror) and one orange. That single orange was all that stood in the way of the blue dominance of his candy stash. Once that bastard was eaten all would be right.

Really, what kind of sick person preferred orange over blue? As far as Minato was concerned, anyone who favored orange over blue deserved a childhood filled with nothing but loneliness, hatred aimed at them, being on the receiving end of cold stares, being disrespected, and finally having a terrible burden that no one fully understood or comprehended.

_Wow, talk about a long random thought. Guess I am a bit too high on sugar right now. _

Around this time the Death God decided to make his appearance.

"Hello Hokage-kun." The Death God was trying to seem sad but the normally dreadful Shinigami radiated nothing but happiness at this point.

_Him trying to fool me is getting old quick…_

The Death God noticed the M&Ms on Minato's desk and decided it had been too long since he had indulged his sweet tooth. Faster than the eye could follow he swept the 6 blue M&Ms into his mouth and had them eaten in no time flat.

_That bastard…_

The Death God noticed his Hokage begin to tremble and frowned inwardly. He really needed to learn to share his treats with others without throwing a fit. Not like it mattered. Besides, he had done it just to make him angry. It is okay to poke a cornered animal if you have a trump card prepared.

"Oh, by the way," The Shinigami waved his hands casually to get Minato to focus on him. If the Yondaime hadn't been so caught up in the 'treachery of stealing one's treat', he might have noticed the casualness coming from the Death God was as fake as Jiraiya's innocent look. "A Kage has died."

Minato's anger was quickly forgotten as he looked up at the Shinigami startled.

"Which one is it?" The blonde's face was unreadable to the Death God. This worried him a bit.

"Oh, don't worry you'll find out soon enough." As soon as the Shinigami said these words the man entered the limbo and immediately his eyes landed on Minato.

"Ah, it appears our paths cross once more." The voice was soaked with power as it spoke softly.

Minato frowned slightly, his eyes distant, as If remembering a bad dream all of a sudden.

"It appears so, Kazekage-san."

* * *

A/N: Hope you liked the chapter. This chapter was a bit more humor based (and silly) than the previous ones. I had originally planned to include the next important judgment in this chapter but I decided that I didn't want this chapter to be around twice the normal length of my chapters. Plus, I felt that I had enough interesting tidbits to justify ending the chapter at this point. When writing this it basically ran away from me.


	5. Enter Shinigami’s errand boy: Zabuza

A/N: I think of the movie Spider-Man 2 right about now. Where he is jumping over the buildings yelling "I'm back! I'm back!" I really wish I hadn't made all my readers wait this long, but I was a very busy man. I dislike excuses, but simple truth being told never hurt. I have a new job, got a lot of things done in my life, and now I am back to writing.

This story always preoccupied my mind, to be honest. I am very proud of the first four chapters and this chapter, while odd at places, has some good moments in my eyes.

Something I'd like to address, because I am overblown when it comes to A/Ns, is the fact that one of this chapter's featured characters is an insert. Not of myself, but of a friend who I owed a bit of a favor. I heavily dislike inserts from reality, but at the same time this story is very humorous and the way I handled this insert lends itself to present and future humor. Probably the only self-insert story I have ever liked is Naruto's Mom by C.M. Aeris Queen of Insanity (that's a mouthful). I tend not to plug other writers in my fics, but she took a self insert and made it a credible character in her world of Naruto. So props to her.

My beta hasn't had a chance to rip into this chapter, so if you notice any minor errors my apologies, but I am a very lazy person when it comes to minor miscues.

Okay! Enough of this A/N garbage, let us get on with the show!

* * *

**Chapter 5: Enter Shinigami's errand boy: Momochi Zabuza**

The God of death did not like being surprised. Upon further inspecting the Shinigami's character, being reduced to a state of stunned amazement would be up there with being surprised on the "I don't like being in these situations" list.

At this very moment, he was both.

The two Kage level (in both power and title) Ninja before him had been starring at each other in such a ridiculously casual manner for well past the 'Let's stare down to build drama" phase. At most, you only need three minutes for the full effect to sink in and begin with all sorts of smarting one liners and cruel statements.

Six weeks was just being proud about the matter.

Neither had so much as blinked in six weeks. If one of them had, this would have started and everything would have been simple. These bastards didn't want to be simple, it would seem. It is amazing what a person can do once they are dead. When you are still mortal, you'd eventually blink involuntarily just so your eyes could have some form of moisture in them. When you are dead, it goes into that whole "mind over matter" crap that magicians are always preaching about on T.V. Add in a touch of insanity from the Hidden Sand, and a dash of contained arrogance hailing from the Hidden Leaf, and what you have is a battle of the metaphysical. At times, if you yourself adopted the habit of starring like these two foes, you might be able to trick your brain into believing that they were perfectly still. Not even bothering to faux breathe. It is as if some mastermind writer has sat down his pen for five weeks, out of ideas. Content to let his created scenario sit there, unchanging, unmoving, stagnated as the flow of time slowly passes it by.

Okay, so that analogy is so far out there that it couldn't **possibly** be true or related to this particular story. But it sounds pretty!

Anyway, the Death God was irked to no end. He was not a patient being of the spirit world. When he wants to have a chat with someone, they die young and very tragically. When someone dies young and not very tragically, they were a guest on the spirit world's version of "Punk'd".

Oh and when he _doesn't_ want to speak with them, going so far as to avoid the person taking extreme measures?

Well…

**Flashback**

The Death God bent down to the man's ear and whispered quietly for a few moments before quickly leaving through a portal.

The man bolted upright from his sleeping position with a wicked grin forming on his face.

"Of course! So _that_ is the key to immortality. Now to think of the body types I'll need for the experiments." Orochimaru hugged his stuff snake plushy tightly as he drifted back off to sleep mumbling about Jutsus.

**End Flashback**

The Death God tilted his head sideways, glancing over at Zabuza, who was busy working on grunt work that Minato had assigned him.

"Zabuza-kun." Zabuza looked up from his paperwork with a snarl on his face and stared defiantly at the Death God. The Shinigami didn't notice or just plain didn't care.

"Go fetch Nick from the halls of the dead, would you?'

Zabuza sat their motionless for a moment. He was about to speak up when the Death God beat him to the punch.

"It is three doors to the left of the break room." Zabuza nodded his head and body flickered towards the break room.

Oh, you may be asking yourselves "Why does Zabuza know how to body flicker?" Well, as it was explained earlier, in the realm of limbo and its surrounding areas the belief that the mind is greater than the matter that comprises the universe is prominent. However, unlike earlier, this belief has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand. Zabuza managed to find one thousand Blue M&Ms and brought them before Minato. After mumbling something about "my precious" he handed Zabuza a scroll and shooed him to leave his room.

But back to more important matters, such as Zabuza traveling to the hall of the dead to pick up Nick, whoever the hell that was.

Zabuza made his way up to the door and all doubts that this was going to be a simple fetch quest left his mind. Etched on the door were a sinister looking skull and cross bones staring back at him with evil intentions.

As Zabuza came closer to the door, it made no move to devour his soul or anything he'd expect from the sinister looking door. Shrugging off the feeling, he quietly opened the door and stepped in.

Silly Zabuza, you never turn your back on your enemy!

No sooner then had Zabuza relaxed and started forward had a hand reached from behind and pull him into the door, neck first.

"Foolish human, you dare to attempt to walk away from me without so much as a greeting? Well, Hello!" With this Zabuza felt a sting on the back of his neck and a second later he was out of the hand's grasp and on his knees.

Although Zabuza couldn't see it, he now had a small skull and crossbones on his neck, tattooed there.

"If you aren't out of here within the hour, you'll be my bitch." With this the door gave a cheeky wink and turned back to its former inanimate state.

Zabuza cracked his neck in annoyance and got to his feet.

_To think, there are …things… here that make the Shinigami seem normal._

Turning back to his objective, Zabuza noted that the room – no, the corridor – he was in seemed to have a dense fog that made it almost impossible to see. Impossible unless you were a master of mist techniques and had been taught at a very young age to see through even the densest of fogs.

Anyone know a person who would have that kind of training?

…

Oh right, Zabuza. It must have slipped my mind there for a minute.

So Zabuza, almost entirely unhindered by the fog, walked at a brisk pace. He did not want to appear in a rush, but at the same time he had no doubt that whatever love mark that door had given him would most definitely guarantee that the door's threat was not a bluff.

After a few minutes that Zabuza spent lost in thought, wondering if hell was really worse than being an errand boy, he came upon a larger room with a lot of evil and killing intent radiating from it. Zabuza simply smirked, more than half hoping that things would get messy.

Entering the circular room, Zabuza took notice of two things immediately. One, there were dozen of zombie like creatures merely sitting around with vacant expressions on their face. Two, there was a young man at the back of the room petting the head of a very attractive fox-girl (perhaps woman, she looked a little older than the teenage years) who was yipping with glee at the man's affections. Seeing no other routes, Zabuza surmised that this man was the Nick he was sent here to bring back to the Shinigami. Zabuza was slightly off balance by the fact that the brown haired man had a neutral expression on his face, but was radiating impossible amounts of killing intent for that to be possible. Zabuza didn't particularly care about this crap however, and decided it was a good time to speak up.

"Are you Nick?" Zabuza asked the question a bit louder than need be, just to make sure the man was paying attention.

The man raised his head and looked forward, finally acknowledging Zabuza's presence.

"Hmm?" Zabuza waited for him to continue. However, that was all that the man, apparently Nick, felt like saying it seemed.

"I have been sent to retrieve you by the Death God." At the mention of the Shinigami, Nick sighed heavily and had to request his lovely fox girl to stop nibbling his ear so that he could get up.

"But Nick, I am horny! I want to suck your-" Nick clamped a hand over her mouth before she said the last word. The playful Fox-girl broke down into a fit of giggles as Nick kept his impassive look, although if one looked closely, slight annoyance could be seen on his face.

"No." This was directed at Zabuza.

"No? No to what?" Nick gave Zabuza a look that said all too clearly "Your denseness makes me angry at the world."

"I am not going with you…"

Zabuza quirked an eye.

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

**Freeze Time**

It should be noted by this time, instead of crying, a few angels had jumped off buildings at the massive amount of pride (it is a sin folks!) being displayed by these two. If only they could have hung on a bit longer.

(Another note, if you actually read through all those Yes/No without using a page down or similar scrolling action, you just made an angel cry.)

**Unfreeze Time**

"If you say "No." one more time I am beheading the fox-girl."

"N-err…" Nick managed to stop himself just in time.

"So, are you coming with me now?"

Nick would have loved to smack the man in front of him at this point, sadly he was not a fighter and he recognized skill when he saw it.

"Meh, fine." Nick started to leave the room.

"Hold up, I can just use the body flicker technique to take us both to the Death God." As soon as these words left his mouth, the strangest thing happened.

Above Nick's head three black dots appeared in a neat line. Zabuza wasn't given a lot of time to ponder what this could mean, however, as Nick's spoken response was sharp and to the point.

"You aren't touching me." With that said, he walked past Zabuza and out past the now open door.

A normal person might have complained (and justly at that) at being sent on such demeaning and horribly annoying fetch missions. But Zabuza was an elite shinobi, and he once again knew his place in the pecking order. Unlike last time, where he slaughtered his superiors with little effort, he held no delusions about who could come up on top if he even tried to come at Minato with any sort of hostile action. And that was before Minato decided to cheat.

_You didn't want to face Minato when he cheats._

Think about this, if you are facing him in **anything** that means you are dead. If you are dead, the ever studious 4th Hokage has read up on you in great detail, even if he hasn't personally judged you.

Combine this knowledge that deals with everything about a person's life with the fact that Yondaime Hokage's mischievous streak is legendary, and what you get is a very dangerous opponent.

**Flashback**

Minato and Zabuza were lounging about the white room, both with nothing to do. You might ask yourself _when_ this happened. What you have to realize is that the Death God is a lazy God, and so it took him many days to get off his behind and confront Minato about the Zabuza situation.

Anyway, the two were playing a friendly game of Chess. Or rather, it would be friendly if it wasn't for Minato's constant prodding. Currently Zabuza was trying to find a way to get overcome the difficult situation he had placed himself in. He was currently fighting off checkmate and he needed every bit of concentration that he could muster.

Naturally Minato wasn't prepared to give it to him.

"So Zabuza I read in your file that you once had an experience with stripping Haku down and "beating" him. How interesting." Minato said this in a casual tone, although in his head he was rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Both Minato and Zabuza knew the incident had occurred over Haku juggling kunai with one hand and with smacking Zabuza him upside his head while he shivered in the cold rain. However, Minato gave the impression that it had nothing to do with mere discipline. Growling, Zabuza ended up making the worst possible move; clearly something else on his mind at the moment. Minato moved a knight.

"Checkmate."

Zabuza growled, throwing the chess set across the room while getting up and going back to doing some form of work as far away from Minato as possible.

"We should play again sometime, Zabuza-san!" Minato said cheerfully.

**End flashback**

Currently Zabuza was walking with Nick and his Fox girl companion.

Now, usually Zabuza would be the last one to start a conversation. It just wasn't in his nature to endure small talk. That being said, this guy had a fox girl for Yondaime's sake.

You don't want to know what bet he lost to have to start using Yondaime's name over God's.

Finally his curiosity got the better of him and he finally spoke up.

"So, how did you two meet?"

Nick gave him a sideways glance and seemed to be weighing his options. He finally muttered something about "people who don't know how nice it is not to talk to me" and then spoke up.

"I sold my soul to obtain her. Pretty simple really." Zabuza stopped dead in his tracks and looked over at Nick. Nick raised an eyebrow, he then sighed.

"Fine, not so simple. I made a deal with Kyuubi to have one of his daughters be my…"

There was an awkward pause. Then suddenly out of _nowhere_ a little orange frog appeared and waved his pinky.

"Ergh, stop doing that!" Was Nick's response.

The frog promptly popped out of there, as the killing intent was far too much for the little guy.

"So, what did you give up to get _that_?" Zabuza's question was met with a slightly confused look. Zabuza decided to fill in the blank, as he was obviously clueless.

"The killing aura that surrounds you at all times."

At this, Nick barked out laughter.

"That is natural."

Zabuza was astonished, but didn't feel like showing it. He decided to derail the killing intent conversation for now.

"So, as you were saying about the daughter of Kyuubi?"

"Oh yeah." Nick said this in such a way that made you believe he _really _had forgotten about the conversation that had been interrupted not even thirty seconds prior.

"Anyway several years ago, before the king of the fox demons attempted to destroy Konoha, I had one dream in my life; to have a fox-girl. Most mocked my dream, calling me some sort of freak. Heh, but those bastards never got a fox-girl. The winner was clearly me." Zabuza, not for the first time, entertained thoughts on this man being out of his mind.

"So let me get this straight. Rather than peace of mind, endless wealth, immortality, or endless power, you chose a fox-girl?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I wanted one…"

"With endless power couldn't you have slain the fox demon and taken his daughter?"

"Too much work."

"…"

"Don't steal my catchphrase."

Zabuza's eye involuntarily twitched at that statement.

And so the story continued, of how Nick signed a contract with Kyuubi, and how when the Kyuubi was sealed the Death God took over Nick's contract and stuck him in a room full of stiffs.

This marked an important event in the life (Okay, if you want to get technical it is a little late for any event to be in the life) of Zabuza. Never ask questions. He knew this all along, really. He had always told himself "no small talk, it will only make you regret being there." But did he listen? No. He just _had_ to know why this little pest had a freak of nature to play with. What he got was the most boring conversation since discussing eight thousand ways to kill a man using thin razor wire with his good friend Kisame.

Really, there are at best _three_ thousand good ways to kill a person with razor wire.

**Flashback**

"So then we could like use rubber bands and fling the razor wire into their eyes and they'd bleed all over and-" Kisame's excited speech was interrupted by Zabuza.

"Kisame, just stop."

Kisame frowned.

**End Flashback**

With all of the homicidal thoughts on his mind, Zabuza failed to notice that they were at the entrance to the white room.

"Nick, what is a 'limbo?'" The fox-girl at Nick's side had read the word off the black door before them and had a look of cute puzzlement on her face.

"It is a place I don't want to be right now." Nick replied grouchily.

As mentioned two lines up, the gateway to limbo (or otherwise spitefully known as the damnable white room) was a black door. The door was not anything spectacular. You might expect such an important door to shine unnaturally or to look as if you were staring into a black hole in the middle of a hallway.

But no, it just looked like a regular door.

Well, a regular door with quite the nice looking silver circular door knob. But you get the point.

Zabuza had never needed to use this door, as he was almost always within the damnable white room. Even Minato's living quarters were located at the far end of his least favorite room in all of existence. By the time he had been asked to run an errand out of the room he had the use of the body flicker and had assumed this to be a rather mundane way in comparison

Or so he believed.

He didn't factor in – Nay, he didn't even _consider_ the fact that the royal pain in the behind known as the Shinigami created this gateway, in the form of an innocent looking black door.

This would be Zabuza's downfall.

Zabuza ushered Nick and the nameless fox-girl (See, I noticed I haven't named her yet!) to the door and opened it in a casual manner. Like you'd open any normal door.

Zabuza needs to catch on quicker than this.

As soon as he opened the door a swirling vortex (See, I said it _didn't_ look like a blackhole. That's clever foreshadowing) sucked them into a dark abyss.

What happened there only one man knows, for Nick and fox-girl were busy clinging to each other out of sheer terror. Oh, and it sure wasn't Zabuza, he fainted right away.

He acts tough, but he is sissy like that.

Oh, as for what happened within that vortex? Well, let's just say it involved a torture beyond imagination. Other than that, it remains a story for another day.

Finally, after seconds within the vortex (granted, seconds could still mean millions of seconds...

What? It could!

_Really_.)

…They landed in the white room. The Shinigami waved Nick over, not even bothering to check to see if Zabuza was mentally damaged from the vortex or not.

"Hello Nick-kun, how are the halls of the dead treating you?" The Shinigami's voice seemed impassive, but he was trying to prod Nick to anger.

"The company is better than I enjoyed while I was alive." Nick said this with a wry smile on his face. The smile, any smile in fact, seemed somewhat unnatural on his face, as if he never smiled.

"Well that is good to hear. Either way, we must get down to business. Our two Kage Shinobi have taken it upon themselves to have a stare down. Usually this would not be a problem, but with the amount of freedom I have given my precious Minato in terms of leeway in limbo has made it so I cannot interfere with this amount of pride. Honestly, these two make _me_ look humble in comparison."

Somewhere, an angel cried herself to sleep.

The Shinigami stood to attention.

"Enough out of you, angels!" The Death God's voice was quite agitated.

With that, a crack was heard and an angel had died.

It wasn't suicide this time.

Nick raised an eyebrow, almost compelled to care.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

The Shinigami looked at him as if he was a moron. Nick had to make a note to stop using that look with others, it _hurt_.

"You have an aura of dread, killing intent if you will, larger than mine. Direct it at them so their old instincts will kick in. I must be off, as these 6 weeks that have passed have put the queue of dead souls in a mighty mess. Luckily Mother Time owes me a favor, so this debacle can be put behind us." With that the Shinigami created a portal and-

"No."

The Shinigami turned around.

"What was that?" If you didn't know better (at this point, you really shouldn't know better) you could have sworn that the Shinigami was grinning.

"I am not angry, I don't feel like getting angry. I won't do your dirty work for you." The Death God's grin only seemed to get bigger after that.

"Very well Nick, I do not wish to force you to do that which displeases you. Oh, and by the way, your fox-girl is an ugly whore."

Suddenly the entire room went pitch black.

The _white_ room.

The Shinigami's eyes curved up into a very ghastly smile as both Minato and the Kazekage, at the exact same time, whipped their heads towards the source of very palpable, very thick, and very sickening killing intent.

"Thank you Nick that will be all from you today." Nick looked ready to murder before the Death God snapped his fingers, and Nick was (supposedly) sent back to the halls of the dead from which he came.

"Take care, Yondaime-kun." With that parting, the Shinigami exited through the portal he had created earlier.

Minato scratched the back of his head.

"I _so_ won that staring contest!" The Yondaime smiled proudly.

The Kazekage looked at him evenly.

"Shut up." It was said in a monotone voice that caused The Yondaime to once again get serious.

"Where is Nick?" The Kages turned around to see a fox-girl waving her fluffy tail, a look of confusion written on her features.

"Oh boy…" Was all that Yondaime could think to say.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter we shall have _plenty_ of Yondaime action to make up for his stare down this chapter. Death God goes one on one with Mother Time, and I make really awkward fox-girl humor work.

Speaking of fox-girls, you guys pick a name for her, would you? Just enter a name in your review and I'll pick the one I like best, or if there is a clear majority I will choose that one, regardless of my opinion.

Have a nice day!

**- Chris**


	6. Shadows in the White Space

**I do not own Naruto! However, if you are still reading this, I am pretty sure I own your soul.**

It has been awhile but finally another chapter of Arashi's journey… well actually Arashi mostly stays in the same place, it is everyone else's journey. But I digress. It has been far too long, and I would like to say that this chapter is full of Arashi goodness. That punk Zabuza is taking the day off, because Arashi is back!

This chapter has some serious moments, but fret not, for the next chapter is going to be so stupidly without serious moments you will wish that you were in a graveyard just to get away from my attempts at humor!

Wait, I told you not to fret, aw crap!

Anyway enough of my ranting, enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

**Shadows in the White Space**

**At Mother Time's Palace**

The Shinigami wasn't in the mood for games, and he certainly wasn't going to put with the elitist Mother Time.

As he entered the chambers the middle-aged looking woman she scoffed and began to get up when the Shinigami motioned her to remain sitting.

"Look you two timing wench. I am not in the mood for your crap today, reverse the time that you already know I want reversed or things start dying."

Mother Time was shocked at first, but numbly nodded her head and did as he asked. He bent his head slightly in a bowing gesture before sweeping out of the room and leaving a stunned Mother Time behind.

_Minato has taught me at least one useful thing it seems…_

The Death God smiled broadly as he power walked all the way back to his office.

**Six Weeks Earlier…Sort of.**

Minato had finally lost his mind.

Well, it was either that or what he was witnessing was in fact some sort of reality.

He was comforted by the fact that he _had_ to be insane.

It wasn't too far fetched, was it? Stresses of the job had been mounting lately. Assistant-Sama constantly trying to worm her way into Minato's pants did not help matters either. One could not accuse Minato of being an ignorant man though. He understood the needs of others. Minato would always offer to buy her a pair of his nice looking, but at the same time very comfortable, white pants. At the offer Assistant-Sama would always frown, and this confused Minato endlessly. Why couldn't some people just take a gift?

But back to the subject at hand, that subject being Minato's mental health. Before him stood one of the most powerful and treacherous men he had ever had the displeasure of meeting. The Kazekage had abused his power as well as his people all throughout his reign as the Sand's leader. He was detestable in every measure of what it meant to be a decent human being. He could be called evil by the people who loved him the most.

So why in Shinigami's name did he have hearts for his eyes while quickly examining a fox-girl?

It just didn't make any sense!

Minato, never being one to hold his tongue, expressed his logic. Well, sort of.

"What are you doing?" Minato's question was civil enough, but it seemed that even with hearts for eyes the 4th Kazekage wasn't exactly cuddly.

"What does it look like I am doing? I am examining the specimen. Your silence is required." With that the bastard of a man turned back around to the blushing fox-girl, obviously enjoying a handsome man looking her over. The Yondaime scratched the back of his head as he struggled for a decision. Finally he shrugged at no one in particular and cleared his throat.

The White Room turned a dark shade of grey as bolts of lightning flashed all around the huge space. The Yellow Flash's eyes began to glow an eerie yellow (how random!) as he was lifted off the ground by his own colossal power.

"**FOOLISH ATROX, HOW DARE YOU IGNORE THE CHOSEN AVATAR OF THE MIGHTY SHINIGAMI, THE ONE WHO REIGNS OVER ALL LIFE AND DEATH OF THE MORTAL WORLD? BE SILENT WITH YOUR ILL SPOKEN TONGUE BEFORE YOUR SOUL IS STRICKEN FROM WHILST IT STANDS!" **The bellowing ended and Minato lost the mysterious glow.

Needless to say The Kazekage didn't have any more dismissive tones in his voice after that.

The room brightened back to its festive white (granted no one dared called it festive to Minato's face) and Minato sat back down in his chair and started to straighten up some paperwork, ignoring the quivering Kazekage and the now swooning Fox-girl.

"He likes to play rough. I am going to like him!" The fox-girl, still nameless, blushed a bright red and giggled to herself.

"Atrox-san, could you sit down so that we can continue with our discussion?" Although the question sounded innocent, it was clear that it wasn't a request. The Kazekage, no longer quivering because evil guys don't quiver for long, nodded stiffly and took the chair opposite of Yondaime. Minato continued to shuffle papers and put on his reading glasses (you know, the type that people wear when they are trying to appear ultra professional and yet at the same time casual) and wrote down a few notes with a nearby pen, all the while never paying any attention to the deceased Kazekage. Despite all his complaints about his boss, Minato dearly loved spending time with the Death God. It wasn't so much that he enjoyed the actual company that the Shinigami provided, no, it was in fact quite awful to talk to the full of himself overly cheery bastard. What made this time wonderful was the fact that the Death God loved to brag about all his techniques which he had acquired over the years to make anyone annoyed, frustrated, and outright psychotic.

I mean, you don't _really_ think Orochimaru started out like that, do you?

**Flashback**

"No one loves you Orochimaru, you are a freak! No one loves you!"

"B-but that's not true! Sarutobi-sensei loves me like a son!"

"No he doesn't, he just likes pale little boys in that special way!"

"Noooooooooooooooo!"

With that a young Orochimaru had woken up and began to cut up little rabbits in the forest to relieve his angst.

The rest is history.

**End Flashback**

The Shinigami would later muse that he had created a monster and then laugh and ask for another shot of human souls from the bartender.

At remembering that particular story Minato frowned harshly, which didn't go unnoticed by the Kazekage. Back to the point, Minato had learned some more subtle techniques on how to torture a person. People, who believe themselves very important, like say an evil sadistic Kage of the Sand for a random example, will usually have a very short attention span, not used to ever having to wait for anything in their life.

And so Yondaime had gone to work on his mischievous mechanisms. Minato didn't consider himself a cruel man for what he was doing, so he felt justified in making the Kazekage wait awhile longer and he was genuinely behind on paper work anyway.

Oh paper work, the bane of Minato's existence. In second was evil in its many forms (excluding paper work, for it transcended all evils combined – including the Kyuubi), and following in a distant third behind those two pillars of evil was fanfiction of himself and his beloved student Kakashi doing all sorts of obscene things.

_Why oh why did I listen to Shinigami-sama when he said he found an "interesting" set of stories involving me? His idea of interesting includes the giant flood that killed over four thousand people a millennia ago, I should have known better…_

While Minato was busy with his masochist thoughts, the fox-girl had managed to slide her way to Minato's side and began to cop a feel. Some might suspect that Minato would freak out, even shout at the fox-girl. Their suspicions would be wrong however, as Minato calmly sat aside his pen and managed to keep his eyes from rolling.

"Fox-girl-chan." Minato said the name lightly, although it didn't make much sense and the Kazekage couldn't keep his eyebrow from rising to his hairline from that weird name.

"Yes Yondaime-Sama?" The fox-girl hoped the Yondaime had liked her actions.

"I have a new name for you." Minato said the statement simply, and the fox-girl could hardly contain her joy.

"I shall name you Tsunade!" At this the fox-girl had a very happy look on her face, not getting the reference. The Kazekage on the other hand spat out the water he just took a sip off, his eyes bulging, trying to not smile at the name. It wouldn't do for an evil maniac to smile, now would it? Well, besides those psychotic ones.

Minato looked at Atrox, the Yondaime Kazekage, and smiled slightly.

"Is something the matter, Atrox-san?" At this point his voice was filled with the warmth of victory, for he knew he had broken the Kazekage, now he was just pouring salt into the wound known as "happiness". Atrox had issues with being happy.

**Flashback**

"Congratulations Kazekage-sama, your wife has delivered a baby boy!"

The Kazekage smiled and then his face twisted insanely. Oddly enough, the smile looked more unnatural than the twisted look he now had on his face.

"Kill my wife and put the one tailed demon into my son!"

"…Sir?"

"**DESERT COFFIN!" **

With that the hapless doctor died instantly and the Kazekage was no longer smiling. All would be right in his world again soon.

Happiness was for fools who did not realize that their lives were meaningless, that death would take them all! That nothing but power could make you immortal; if only in memory.

Somewhere far away a certain Death God rolled his eyes.

**End Flashback**

The Kazekage snarled, at the same time forcing back the smile he had almost formed on his face and shook his head, indicating that nothing was wrong.

The reason the esteemed Kazekage had almost smiled was quite simple; The Tsunade reference. Although her prime was a few years before his time as Kazekage, Atrox of course knew of the famous medic-nin of the Legendary Sannin of Konoha, trained personally by Sarutobi, the Professor of Shinobi. Atrox didn't blink at a strong Shinobi, he himself was a Kage and was impossible to intimidate (while he was alive, anyway, seeing Minato go all evil did give his heart some trouble) by power. However, Tsunade was famous for two things besides her Ninja skills.

One, she was horrible at gambling. You didn't even have to bother to get her drunk, just taunt her (out of an arm's reach that is) and you got yourself some easy ryou. Legendary Sucker indeed.

Secondly, she hated perverts. Although most in the world did not know this, for he hid it well, Jiraiya was a huge pervert and Tsunade had to beat him into the ground on more than one occasion for trying to get a feel of her not so flat chest. The reason _he_ knew this because it happened in the sand while they (along with Orochimaru) were on a diplomatic mission, and Atrox had graciously offered to escort them around.

Never again would he make that offer for those three. One was a "kukuku"ing freak who, in retrospect, Atrox should have known would have been the one to kill him one day. He just oozed "I am going to kill everyone one day" all around him. Jiraiya constantly giggled and wrote in a notebook, and this guy was supposedly as strong as he was? How depressing.

As for Tsunade… Well, let's just say Atrox still had the lump on top of his head when he had, _very accidentally, _caught a peek of Tsunade naked.

What a bitch!

Atrox coughed slightly and asked in a much deadened voice, "Why did you name the fox-girl after Tsunade?" Minato grinned and the former Kazekage should have just risen his hand and had him stop right there. However his curiosity got the better of him and he did no such thing. Well, curiosity killed the cat! And for this little scenario, we are pretending the Kazekage wore a cat mask when he was a hunter-nin or something that is aligned with the cat. It is called _imagination._

"I am glad you asked, Kazekage-san." The golden haired man had a huge grin on his face and the Kazekage was a bit worried about the horrors he was about to witness.

"You see, this took place many years ago, even before I was named Hokage…"

**Flashback**

Namikaze Minato was lying in a hospital bed, recovering from massive chakra burnout. Minato was a Chuunin for Konoha at this time, barely past sixteen years of age. He had been a Chuunin for a year now, ever since he had gotten back from his years of training with Jiraiya. Jiraiya had refused to let Minato join the ninja academy, citing the lack of "proper" training for his age. When Sarutobi had tried to reassure Jiraiya that it wouldn't be a problem he just shook his head and looked Sarutobi in the eye. What the Sandaime saw there had not allowed him to continue arguing. It was a gleam of hope. Jiraiya, for all of his foolishness and heated actions, was a very smart young man who had a great perception to see the hidden talent within people. Sandaime himself saw much potential in young Minato, but he had been hesitant to hand him off to Jiraiya so simply, without Minato even learning the basics. However when Minato and Jiraiya got back from their trip Minato had easily passed the simple genin exam, then proceeded to thrash anyone and everyone in the Chuunin exam, not even bothering to enter with two other team mates, which was unheard of, even for the strongest of genin. Of course it was no problem for him. Sadly the training had not made Minato any less of a loud mouth. Although Sarutobi seemed to enjoy it quite a lot, no one else did.

Yelling at the nurse had only gotten him less pain killers, which Minato had pouted about for a whole day.

He was involved in the Rock War, trying to help turn the tide in favor of Konoha. He thought his performance so far had been pitiful as he had had to constantly deal with chakra burnout and nearly passing out in the middle of the fighting.

He was the only one who thought that way.

Using various techniques such as the body flicker and the Rasangan, Minato had begun to turn the war around in ways no one thought imaginable. His strength of character along with his ferocious on the field mindset had lead to many Konoha victories on his shoulders alone. Calling him a Prodigy did not do him justice, even as a Chuunin he was already one of the elite ninjas in all of Konoha, almost rivaling the Sannin themselves.

And everyone knew he was only going to get better.

Today he had taken out well over forty opposing Shinobi and had to be rushed to the hospital where Tsunade had made sure that he would remain alive, if not in the most comfortable of conditions. He could barely move, and it sucked. However he wasn't too concerned, the only one who had access to his room currently were Tsunade and the Hokage. What could possibly go wrong? Deciding to rest his heavy eyes, he closed them, but did not fall asleep.

A few minutes into his rest, a large chakra signature entered the room and before Minato could tense his body he recognized it as Tsunade's, and relaxed his mind once more. She came in often to perform routine checks and to make sure nothing else developed from his chakra burnouts. After a few moments of checking him over, she spoke.

"Mmm, looks like Minato-kun is asleep right now. Usually he is screaming at some poor nurse, looks like he _really_ overdid it this time." Minato quirked a mental eyebrow at the 'kun' ending to his name. Usually she called him a brat. _Guess I am growing on her, eh big sister?_

Tsunade coughed lightly and bent over Minato, but did no examining jutsu. Usually Minato would ask her what she was doing, but he was exhausted and trusted her ability to do medical techniques as fast and efficiently as possible.

Boy was he ever wrong.

"It couldn't hurt to at least feel once…" Minato was about to ask what she was talking about as this did some kind of worrisome when he felt a slender hand go under his shirt and began to feel around his abs and chest.

"Wow, rock hard, I guess Jiraiya did one thing right…" She giggled sweetly at her own joke and continued to feel around, never noticing Minato's beet red face.

_She… she… is perverted too? Who would have thought it out of those three, only Orochimaru isn't perverted beyond belief? Talk about unlikely… _

Tsunade continued to grope around Minato's body, all the time the blonde boy on the bed was trying to summon up the courage to speak so that Tsunade would stop. Granted, there was no way this was his fault and he didn't think Tsunade would punch a fellow comrade who was on the brink of death earlier today.

But that wasn't a 100 assurance, which was what was required to speak during this. Finally Tsunade stopped and Minato thanked any deity that would listen in his head.

"Hmm, I wonder how big it is…"

And thus Minato began to _curse_ every deity he could _think of_ in his head.

However, through his horror he got an idea. A brilliant idea. In fact, it was so brilliant that it almost made him smile.

Almost.

Tsunade claimed to hate perverts, but she didn't mind assaulting a supposedly sleeping victim under her care. Time to get evil.

Tsunade blushed a pretty shade of red and started to undo Minato's pants. The Blonde waited for as long as he could to make the climax even better, and when he thought he could hold it no longer, he opened his eyes and mumbled in the most innocent voice he could muster…

"Tsunade-nee-chan?" Tsunade for half a second froze, then leaped away as if burned severely and she started to shake in fear of what she just had done.

Minato, playing as if he knew nothing, groggily rolled over and looked at Tsunade with half awakened eyes, despite him being fully awake.

Tsunade smiled and shrugged.

"I was just performing some medical checks; your chakra system was fluctuating in your lower body and I was making sure there were no problems caused from your burnout." Tsunade's lie was very smooth and made sense, since she was his attending medic-nin.

Too bad he was awake for it all.

Minato sat up and grinned devilishly, and Tsunade became very worried.

"Ero-Tsunade, I thought you were against perverts!" Tsunade's eyes widened in surprise.

"You would be in trouble if I told anyone, hehehe…" Tsunade raised an eyebrow at Minato's tone of voice.

"You are my bitch now!" Tsunade's eyes widened and she fainted dead away.

**End Flashback**

Atrox was shaking his head at the story while the fox-girl, now dubbed Tsunade, had a very flattered look on her face. Smiling slightly at the memory, Minato rose straighter in his seat and made the smile vanish, his face becoming stern.

"Atrox of the Desert, you are here to answer for your crimes against humanity. Let us get down to business." Inside mini Yondaime was patting himself on the back.

_Man I am so cool, that had the full weight of my power as judge of souls. This Kazekage is going to learn you don't mess with me and get away it!_

"Screw you, Minato-san." Atrox said this evenly, showing no hint of the prior fear he displayed.

_Aw crap._

"First off, the thousands you have had killed as leader of the Sand and by your hands as a Shinobi… you are officially pardoned for." The Kazekage didn't look the bit surprised.

"Why thank you, Minato-_sama_." Atrox's sentence oozed with venom and the sarcastic honorific at the end did not help the sentence seem any more inviting.

The blonde haired man flashed a wide grin, showing that Atrox didn't intimidate him in the slightest.

"However, what you won't be pardoned for having sealed Shukaku inside of your son, Gaara." The former ruler of the leaf learned forward and laced his fingers together underneath his chin and waited for Atrox's response.

"Ah Minato-san, I didn't know your death would also make you a hypocrite. My spies within the leaf have long since informed me that I am not the only one having greater demons sealed within their children…" The red haired man let the statement hang as Minato's eyes looked like they were on fire from his fury.

"Only you would have so much gall as to compare a situation where you ordered a contained beast that was no threat to anyone to be sealed inside a child to a situation where I head the greatest of the tailed beast killing hundreds of my people and I gave up my life just so the village would not be totally destroyed. Somehow, I don't think they compare." Atrox was surprised that Minato had shot back at him with even more venom than he had been able to muster. How death must change people.

"In my village, the boy is considered a hero. In your village, you have tried to have him assassinated numerous times, what do you have to say for yourself?" Minato was expecting numerous one of numerous things to happen. He wasn't expecting what actually happened.

Atrox laughed.

It wasn't a cruel laugh, not entirely at least. It was filled with genuine mirth and it continued for a many moments before it finally died down.

"Oh, how even I pity you at this moment, Minato-san." There was a cruelty to his words that the blonde didn't feel easy with. He didn't know what his words meant, and with this job it was a bad habit to be uninformed.

"Here is a newsflash for you; your son is not treated as a hero, but as a monster. Almost as if he was the Kyuubi himself. Your villagers, and even some Shinobi, are no better than my own, Minato-san." Atrox's words stuck Minato like a dagger to the heart, and he couldn't find himself replying. His confusion and anxiety must have shown on his face.

"Fear not Minato-san, if things go as I believe they will go your mentor will be here to explain things before you know it. Now why don't you send me wherever you are going to, as my objective for the day has passed and I no longer wish to speak to you." Atrox leaned back in his chair and waited for Minato to do whatever it was that he did.

Minato, for his part, could only nod dumbly and form the seals to the realm where he wished to send the former Kazekage. Although he did his task with the same skill as always, his mind was somewhere else. It had been dealt a heavy blow from Atrox's words. Minato didn't know how much of it was true, but he knew at the very least Atrox believed what he was saying, and that was enough to make Minato sick with the possibility of what he was saying was the absolute truth.

Atrox stepped up to the swirling blue portal that Minato had created for him and gave one more passing look to his once rival and friend.

_Minato, I could never outgrow being a bastard, could I?_

With that whimsical thought, Atrox stepped through the portal, and it closed behind him.

Sitting at his desk the Yondaime raised his head back up and his eyes showed ill-contained fury the likes of which had never been there before.

_The next person who comes here from Konoha… will have to answer for this._

With that thought, Minato went back to his paperwork.

* * *

**A/N**: Hey guys how is it hanging, long time no see, yeah? Sorry about the hellish delay guys, I have just been busy. I finished 85 percent of this chapter in 3 days, once I get rolling chapters come out easily as anything ever does, it just doesn't seem that way due to long time in between updates. My beta Skarm, great friend and excellent writer in his own right, said that it seems some of my jokes are getting stale. Well, if you agree with him, write down your thoughts in a review. Granted, I will hunt you down and burn you alive, but I won't take your comments personally!

Thanks for the great amount of reviews, and sorry to bitch about my internal conflict as a writer. We artist of the pen do this sometimes. You should ignore it and say "lalalalala" until it passes. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and make sure to write down your thoughts, I read every single review and enjoy doing so, even the ones who didn't take too kindly to a few things I did. But as always, 1 review or 1000, I will continue to write until you stone me to death for my acts against humanity.

Farewell!

- **Chris**


	7. The Professor is taught

Sorry for leaving you guys hanging for awhile, but I have been quite the busy fellow pursuing a few other plot ideas, even going so far as to update History of the Death Munchers, which hadn't been done for six months or so. But now I have left my loyal readers to be bored for two months. For this I apologize, for I know many writers make up excuses! I personally wish to blame a person named Lugia Storm. He is an evil little bugger, always wishing to be Hokage and such. Most of you won't know who this, well let's call him "LS". Rest assured however, he sucks.

Oh, and as for the chapter title, well, pay attention to the **first** Konoha citizen to appear as way of explanation.

I almost forgot to mention my great reviewers. While I never will require people to review for an update, it is nice to see so many people enjoying my story. Thank you for taking the time to review, and I hope you continue to enjoy Arahi's adventures.

Now enough of my prattle; enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**My Reviewers suck at guessing**

Minato held the Konoha citizen up in the air as his Rasengan was charging up in his left hand. Minato's intent to kill was oozing off of him.

"What do you know about the treatment of Uzumaki Naruto? Tell me or you are going to hell!" Minato's voice had risen as he went on.

The six year old boy proceeded to soil himself.

Minato wasn't exactly being discreet with his hunt for the truth. The former Hokage had waited all of five minutes in the damnable white space until the Queue Button had signaled someone had arrived. Minato's master plan had him jumping every single person until someone from Konoha arrived. Luckily for him the first person who happened to die (and what a bad time to kick the bucket…) was from Konoha! Success!

… Too bad it was a six year old boy who didn't even know Naruto's name from a ramen topping, much less anything to do with his poor treatment.

Minato had the presence of mind to look sheepish, even though he didn't give a damn (at the moment) about the kid.

What could have happened next was Minato would proceed to put the little boy down calmly, apologize in a proper manner, and send the little one on his way.

Alas, Zabuza chose this time to pipe up once again.

That _wasn't_ very wise.

"And they say I am the pedo"- The sentence that Zabuza had chosen (poorly at that) was interrupted by a Rasengan to the jaw; the force behind the blow was enough so that Zabuza couldn't even see the white in the damnable white space anymore. The feeling of impact calmed Minato as he lost his crazed and uncaring demeanor and just sighed heavily in defeat.

If you couldn't tell, our young judge of souls wasn't dealing well with the news that the village had not heeded his request that his son be seen as a hero. Minato didn't believe that Naruto should be spoiled, nothing wrong with keeping a kid's ego in line. But this was obviously despicable.

One could argue that jumping every person who came into his jurisdiction for answers wasn't the responsible way to handle this situation. Although any "One" which might wish to argue this point would likely be taking a very nasty trip to hell before they came to the meat of their argument.

Minato's hands began to shake as the tension was starting to spill over. Rare was it to see a veteran ninja to shake like this, rarer still was for them to feel as powerless as Minato felt now. It brought back memories of a time when he was still a fledgling Nin.

**Flashback**

"B-but Jiraiya-sama, my hands are shaking. The handbook said this could be dangerous even for simple Jutsus." The concern in Minato's young voice was evident. Jiraiya didn't seem to share the concern as he waved him off.

"Those books are for beginners, for naturals like you it wouldn't matter if you did it on your head, it'll turn out just fine."

"If you say so…Henge!"

The following explosion set four world records including most unique way to make a boy under the age of 13 bald.

"Oops." Jiraiya's voice was unnaturally meek for once.

Of course the great and mighty Jiraiya had failed to inform his young (and oh so naive) apprentice that the two times that he had attempted to perform a jutsu while on his head the nine tailed fox demon had caught wind of the disturbance and thought it'd go have some fun with whatever caused it. Sadly the third time this occurred, when Minato was older, Jiraiya was out of Scooby Snacks.

**Fast Forward**

Minato had thought for a long time that Orochimaru had been the one to unleash the demon fox. However when he told the Shinigami this it had merely scoffed at him.

"Honestly Hokage-kun, you think that halfwit testing dummy of mine could summon something like a greater demon, much less the strongest of them all? No, I am afraid your theory is very off." Minato couldn't keep the frown off his face, and chose to ignore the "halfwit testing dummy of mine" for the time being.

"But I have charts! There are dozens and dozens of charts!" Minato's voice sounded pleading as he held up many multi-colored diagrams that seemed to have taken many weeks to prepare.

The Death God cocked an eyebrow at his tone.

"You are wrong." The deadness in the Shinigami's voice matched his appearance for once.

"I don't want to be wrong!" Minato's whining didn't have the desired effect on the noble and infallible (his own words to boot!) Death God. Merely than continuing arguing with his precious Hokage who was in an "uncontrollable fit of denial" he pulled out two objects: A ritual knife (used for "official" deaths, if you ask too much about unofficial deaths you'll be one) and a piece of string. The string had a singular piece of paper which had a name on it: "Uzumaki Naruto".

Minato looked at the string for a moment before pouting.

"That's cheating." The Death God merely smirked. Actually it was more like the most evil and vile facial expression one would hope to never see in their life. But if Death calls it a smirk, no one is going to disagree. That's just how life works.

"I never claimed to play fair." With a shake of the fist Minato teleported away from the Death God just as Assistant-Sama stepped out from the shadows.

"One of these days he is going to realize that those strings are meaningless." The Shinigami turned his hateful gaze to his assistant.

"Let us hope that no one gets drunk and tells him this, hmm?" The nervous laughter that followed was music to the Shinigami's ears.

**End Flashback**

Minato's somber mood was worsened when he had to fight back a smile at the memories of training with Jiraiya. There wasn't any pain there except for a loss of hair.

Had he lost his edge as a Shinobi? He remembered a time where he could contain all the righteous fury in his heart and hundreds would lie in his wake… had death made him soft?

"I don't believe so Minato-kun, you always had a good heart and you realize no one around you is the enemy. You give yourself too little credit."

"Shut up Sarutobi"- Minato mouth had spoken before his mind caught up. Turning around before he saw the Sandaime Hokage, robes and all, in front of him with a gentle smile on his face.

"Long time no see, Yondaime." Sarutobi tipped his hat towards the younger man before taking it off all together and sitting down in front of Minato's desk. Minato was standing stunned as the Sandaime lit a pipe and seemed to be waiting for him to continue the conversation.

_I can't believe it. He is dead? How? Why? This old man was more stubborn than I could ever hope to be. First the Kazekage and now Sarutobi? Why do I get the feeling some major shit is going down in the world of the living?_

Yondaime stiffly walked over to his desk and planted himself in his chair and breathed deeply.

"Explain." The one word prompt was all the Sandaime needed as he began to speak.

"First off the Shinigami sends his regards, Minato. I must once again praise your genius and humbly thank you for creating the death seal, for it has now saved Konoha twice." Minato raised an eyebrow although the pieces were connecting quite clearly for him now.

"Orochimaru, under the guise of the Kazekage, snuck into Konoha with plans to invade it. While I obviously am not privy to how it ended, I can safely say that without the use of his arms Orochimaru, as prideful as he may be, will realize he is no match for the rest of Konoha and retreat." Minato's eyes darkened.

"You didn't have the strength left?" Sandaime chuckled at the inquiry and took another smoke from his pipe.

"I am afraid not. I knew I was no match for him, but I had thought that if you could contain the Kyuubi then I could do so to Orochimaru. If I were to hypothesize, I'd suppose my mistake was underestimating your life force in comparison to the Kyuubi." The old man had a faint smile on his face that was hard to place. Meanwhile Minato's face had hardened the more Sarutobi explained.

"You still feel responsible, don't you?" The question was vague but Sarutobi answered nonetheless.

"Yes."

Minato would never have openly accused Sarutobi of holding back because it was his former prized pupil, but both men knew the truth. Sandaime had done his duty to the village and at the same time spared Orochimaru's life. Sandaime knew that Orochimaru was unredeemable, but it seemed too cruel to Sarutobi for the person who was somewhat responsible for his twisted turn to be the one to end his life.

Minato straightened up a few loose papers on his desk and decided it was time to get to the subject of Naruto.

**Meanwhile, with the Shinigami**

When you have existed for eons you expect little in the way of surprises. Sure, the occasional "sorry that I knocked your daughter up, boss" happened to a stray God every now and then. Purely personal pursuits lead to most of the surprises after so long. But for the Shinigami, it seemed like his work always challenged him.

And so he sat across from two hands, both giving him the middle finger. You might believe that there was a body attached to these two arms, but no. For these were the arms of Orochimaru, now in the land of the dead dealing with the Shinigami while the Death God let Sarutobi talk to Minato. In retrospect it didn't seem like such a fine idea, but the Death God as cruel and uncaring as he was to most, could not shun his Minato in the same way.

"So Orochimaru's arms. Do you remember my voice?" The Death God spoke plainly, as Arms didn't have the best sense of hearing. They seemed to talk to each other through sign language for a moment before both hands nodded.

And then they latched on to the Death God's neck in an attempt to choke him. It was all the Shinigami could do to keep his eyes from rolling. Swatting the hands away he rounded the corn of the desk and picked the struggling arms up.

"Orochimaru-kun, even without your brain you remember me. I am flattered." The Death God's face contorted into a very nasty smile. Orochimaru's arms shuddered in fear.

**Flashback**

Orochimaru was close to finally achieving the immortality that his dreams had described. Countless bodies lay in his wake towards his goal. It had taken many years, but at last all those that had wronged him would pay. Well, not really. Gaining immortality meant little if you couldn't overpower an entire city of ninja and then kill your former sensei. But god damn it all it was a good start, okay?

So a few "Kukukuku"s later Orochimaru was ready to begin the ritual when everything stopped. The fumes of the potion had frozen in mid air; the sweat on Orochimaru's body had ceased to drip. It was as if time had stopped completely.

In fact that is exactly what it was, but "as if" makes it sound cool and mysterious.

A man in a black robe whistled as he made his way passed the dead bodies, touching each briefly so that their souls could rest in peace. Looking upon Orochimaru he rolled his eyes.

_Oh Orochimaru-kun. Who could have guessed that destroying everything that kept you sane could in someway turn you into a maniacal and manipulative madman?_ The Shinigami shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the now frozen form of his _favorite_ mortal. He stuck a bony hand into his coat and retrieved a vile of dark liquid that was suspiciously unmarked. Taking off the stopper the Death God poured it into the drink that Orochimaru was about to devour, the one that would supposedly make him immortal.

_Sorry Orochimaru-kun, while I dread the day I have keep track of you, even I have a limit to my sadistic side._

With that task done, the Shinigami opened a portal to the realm of death, letting time start up once more as he passed through the gateway.

Minutes later the sweet sound of an infuriated man with a newly acquired snake lisp could be heard throughout the halls of the dead.

It turns out that the Shinigami had been lying when he said he had a limit to his sadistic side.

**End Flashback**

The Shinigami decided that having the arms experimented on by some of his researchers would be the proper course of action for now. He knew that eventually the arms would find a means of escape and set loose across the complex. Then the fun experimenting could begin! Smirking to himself the Death God thoughts lead him to his precious Hokage-kun. Deciding to check up on him, he opened a portal to the damnable white space to see how the meeting was going. What he found didn't shock him very much.

**Three minutes earlier**

"Am I right to understand that the reason you did not step into the situation more vocally was for fear that the council of elders, or perhaps the clans, would unseat you as Hokage?" Minato was the picture of serenity as his arms were laced under his chin, seeming content to patiently wait for the Sandaime's response.

"Yes Minato, that is correct. Although I may be the leader of the village, I do not have absolute power." Sarutobi had been over this again and again; so far his one time successor was taking it amazingly well. However he knew that this wouldn't last.

He had kind of hoped that it would have lasted more than two seconds after he had thought that.

"Sarutobi don't give me that! While _technically_ you had to cede some points, if you pulled for something hard enough no one in that entire country would fight you on it. You bring too much prestige and are too respected for them to just throw away your opinion!" Minato was beginning to lose his composure, and although the 3rd Hokage didn't blame him for being upset, he didn't want this to get out of hand.

"Minato, you must understand"- It turns out that was the wrong thing to say, as Minato broke his desk in half while standing up, looking murderous.

"I don't have to understand anything Sandaime!" Sarutobi was taken back by Minato's harsh use of his title, and merely looked upon the younger man.

"I trusted you Sandaime, I trusted you with my child. The rest of Konoha are ignorant fools, too scared to fully understand that the demon will not escape the cage that I built for it. While I don't have much love for the village, neither can I find much hate. They just plain don't know any better. But you Sarutobi! You I entrusted. I died in your arms; my last words were for my son to be seen as a hero. Why wasn't this done? Threats to his life? Are you joking? There is not a single rock Nin who could hope to compare to Kakashi's skills (Minato failed to mention that was due to him killing them all), and I am sure those skills have only improved since my death. Caution is one thing, but you allow my son to grow up to be hated? Give me one reason why I shouldn't send you straight to hell right now." Minato's eyes were narrowed as he seemed to be asking a genuine question to Sarutobi.

The Shinigami, having arrived in the middle of the tirade, decided enough was enough.

"Minato-kun, stop being such a drama queen." The Sandaime couldn't keep himself from chuckling as a little bit of the tension left the air. Minato didn't seem to take too kindly to the slight and began to open his mouth to speak when the Death God cut him off.

"Stop being so petty Minato-kun. While it is pathetically cute to see you whining like a little girl over such a minor thing, I must ask you to refrain from threatening a member of my collection." The Shinigami's force smiled benignly, which to most everyone looked like a horrifying scowl.

The Yondaime rolled his eyes and let out a lot of hot air, deciding it was best not to get so worked up when he couldn't Rasengan something in the immediate future. The Death God smiled at Minato, this time putting his best foot forward to look somewhat like a human smile.

"Anyway, since you have stopped your childish fit, I can tell you I have brought news of Naruto that you may be interested to hear." Minato's boss proceeded to remain silent waiting for some sort of reaction.

_Does he honestly think I am going to be so impatient that he is going to have me jumping up and down like a school girl when she is in heat?_

The Shinigami looked towards the Yondaime and coughed politely.

_Asshole…_

"Oh what news do you bring Shinigami-sama? Oh I am so very excited to hear what you have to say!" The Shinigami slapped Minato on the back of the head for even attempting to mock him.

"How very sincere of you, Minato-kun. While I was summoned to the world of the living to take care of a few loose limbs, I thought to check on your son. Despite your best attempts to look like a fool, your son is doing excellently and I do not expect to be seeing him to join you for many years." The Death God patted Minato on the back good naturedly whose mood had been helped by the good news.

"Ah Minato-kun, a couple of items of interest before I leave you. I have happened upon an updated version of my beloved queue button. It isn't much of advancement, but it does conveniently tell you the number of people awaiting your services." The Shinigami turned to Sarutobi and motioned for him to go through the portal he had created when he arrived. Waving one last time to his pseudo-apprentice, the third Hokage of Konoha made his exit. Well, for the moment anyway.

Curious as to how many souls were waiting, Minato pressed the designated button to bring up a digitalized number on the screen.

**1022**

_I am comforted only by the fact that this day can not get any worse._

"Oh, one last thing Minato. Since Zabuza seems to have fell down a set of stairs or something of that nature, my Assistant shall be taking over his duties for the next few days." Bowing slightly, the Death God left Minato to his thoughts. At the moment, only one clear thought was running through the man's head.

_Minato – 0, Cruel Fate – 1_

* * *

**AN: **Well there you go. Hell or high water I promise my next update is going to be faster than that pathetically slow one! LS (referred to in my first AN) is a person who has been helping me with my writing, but I'll be damned if I'll be grateful to anyone but myself in this fic. Next chapter is less about Naruto's main plot and more about random Konoha citizen day in the damnable white space. I am considering just shortening it 'DWS' every time I say it. It'd be the hip thing to do. But yeah. Also I am going to have a neat Technicolor flashback sequence to when Minato first met our beloved Shinigami. Also I might have a chapter without a very cruel and ironic Orochimaru joke.

Not really, I just wanted to make you sweat.

- **Chris**


	8. Minato takes a day

AN: Welcome back to the jungle folks, the twisted and warped mind of Sir Chris has not failed him I am afraid, merely has it been put on hold for many months while he is preoccupied by other matters. I know making you wait so long for relatively short chapters seems a bit silly, but someone stole my muses and tortured the poor lasses all day and all night, yet they wouldn't break. Finally in a last ditch effort to save them I just shot everyone in the face and lull and behold, it worked. If that made sense to you are _so_ going to love this chapter.

Regardless, my apologies for the long wait, but I actually like this chapter quite a bit. It has some interesting things to offer as well as a lot of twisted jokes to it. Naturally like all my work it isn't for everyone, and I throw in a couple inside jokes, although I try to keep that light unlike my previous ones. I finished the last one third or so of this chapter in one setting, which is ironic given how long it took me to get it out. I guess it goes to show that when I put my mind to something, I have the will of fire! Believe it!

Also I'd like to thank a certain manga character for dying a regret filled death; I look forward to his chapter.

Enough of my prattle, here is your chapter.

Oh, and I am reuploading this because I think the site glitched something to do with the e-mails, hopefully this fixes it, but I doubt it.

**Chapter 8**

**Minato's day off # 2: The Shinigami strikes back**

Minato looked blearily at the digital counter on his new queue button; the number stared back at him without flinching from his gaze, mocking him. Or maybe digital counters just didn't realize when they were being stared down. Despite having sent many souls on their way already, the Queue button did not seem impressed. The number was currently down to **904**. Minato mused that it wasn't a good sign when the number "904" could be considered down, and growled out as much. The Death God's assistant merely sniffed at him in a smug manner.

"Oh brighten up Minato; we aren't doing anything that isn't important. I can't see how you can complain about sitting behind a desk all day and talking to people. You must be quite the anti-socialite." With that said she turned around and greeted a young ninja who had died in the attack of Konoha, he was a former Sound ninja.

"I am going to take a break, be back in a few," Minato said grouchily. His temp assistant nodded briefly before turning back to the man and discussing his life.

With a wicked smile on his face, Minato gave a mocking salute to the assistant and teleported away, intentions unknown to all but himself.

**Break Room of the DAMNED**

Minato arrived to discover the Shinigami cackling evilly while huddling over some object. Not wanting to find out what the Shinigami was up to, Minato walked past the Death God and grabbed a coffee cup and began to pour some decaf (The Shinigami had forbidden him from drinking anything but decaf, something about him not needing more energy) while whistling a tune. Midway through pouring the cream into his Coffee and reaching for a straw to stir it, the Death God came up next to him with a neutral (read: ghastly) look on his face.

"Hello Hokage-kun, isn't it a bit busy for you to be leaving your place of business?" The Shinigami had his arms crossed, once again trying to seem menacing. Minato didn't seem all that worried.

"I am taking a break. I am allowed to take breaks aren't I?" The Yondaime didn't have to put much effort into looking exhausted, as he was feeling it. Even when someone isn't tied down to a heap of flesh and bones, the mind fatigues. The Shinigami eyed his pet for a moment before nodding his ascent and opening a portal to the world of the living.

"Do take care, Hokage-kun. I wouldn't want to hear of any accidents while I was away." With one last glance at the former Hokage, the Death God stepped through the portal to locations unknown. Minato glanced around for a moment making sure no one was there. After double checking that he was alone, Minato sat down and sighed in relief.

"Ah, nothing cures exhaustion like a relaxing day off to soothe the soul." Minato took a sip of his coffee, not having a care in the world.

**Meanwhile, in the damnable white space…**

"What do you mean you do not have the authorization to send me on my way?"

Assistants really shouldn't be left alone to deal with a large group of ninjas.

"Now listen here you hag, I don't have the time to deal with a secretary! So stop your stupid stuttering and let me talk with someone who can answer some of my questions. If you say "calm down" one more time I am going to stick this blade so far up your"- The irate man was cut off by a stern looking woman who had "I have been in the ANBU far too long" written over her once beautiful features. Oh don't get reality skewed, she was smoking, but the look of death in her eyes ruined the moment every time.

"That is enough, Hayate." The woman stepped forward and placed a hand on the man's, apparently Hayate, shoulder. Hayate nodded curtly and walked away from the desk, muttering darkly all the way. The assistant to the Death God was very grateful that he had decided to leave. She was having a very bad day, ever since the Shinigami's _precious_ Minato had abandoned her. Only being gone three minutes didn't exactly constitute abandonment, but it felt like longer, certainly!

These ninja were so ungrateful. Assistant-sama had always tried her best to be prim and proper, to meet the needs of the fallen, just as she did for the living during her time alive. But this was ridiculous. First Minato rejected her and mocked her, as if she were some stupid bimbo who could be tossed aside easily. Oh but she'd show him. She'd show them all. Becoming angry, she suddenly shot up from the desk, determined to finally stand up for herself. She was promptly knocked out by the weighted shuriken on the back of a red headed ninja who had been standing behind her brooding.

Revolution would wait for another time, it would seem.

**Undisclosed location**

Orochimaru was in the shower, trying his best to fend off the agony his arms caused him. Never had he imagined his sensei could have this much power remaining in that old sack of bones he called a body. Even after fending off two Hokage, he had enough fight left in him to make his months of planning go to waste. Well, not quite, considering he had accomplished his other goal: Uchiha Sasuke's body would be his for the taking soon enough. Kukuku.

Upon reflection, Orochimaru wasn't certain why he laughed evilly even in his thoughts, but it felt natural, kukuku.

Hissing, Orochimaru pressed a button with his tongue (Imagining that too vividly wouldn't be considered the smartest thing to do for those with a weak stomach) and the shower turned on. Orochimaru was surprised that no additional pain came from the hot water and he just let out a content sigh as the water rolled off his deadened arm, soothing them ever so slightly.

While this could have been a feel good moment for Orochimaru, it wasn't going to happen like that. The Shinigami, as twisted and obsessive as ever, had chosen this moment to drop in on his favorite victim. Discovering him naked however had made him puke all sorts of nasty things up. Fortunately by the time he made his entry he had composed himself. The Death God, immortal and born when the universe was still being formed, had a few kinks, character flaws if you will, that hadn't been worked out. Being a complete bastard may or may not have been one of them. Regardless, the Shinigami walked up to Orochimaru and waved his hands in front of his face, triple checking that Orochimaru would not realize he had company. The Shinigami brought his hand forward and passed it through both of Orochimaru's arms, causing him to scream in despair as he went to his knees, the pain overtaking him. Within moments Kabuto was at his master's side, using healing techniques to take away the pain.

The Death God didn't know why he did that, but it seemed like a good idea and it gave him a minor sense of satisfaction so he had decided to invest some time in physically torturing Orochimaru, make a nice little trip of it. Perhaps he was becoming corrupt after all these years. Upon that thought he slapped one of Orochimaru's arms, causing him to shout inhumanly.

Nah, nothing corrupt about this, too much fun was to be had for this to be something wrong. Well,_ too_ wrong anyway.

After the Shinigami caused him more pain, Orochimaru whimpered and Kabuto did the only thing he could think to do to soothe the pain – Kiss his master on the forehead to make the pain cease.

Another round of puking soon commenced.

**Meanwhile, with Minato…**

"Wheeeeeeeee!" The young boy yelled as Minato tossed him in the air once more, sending him hundreds of feet into the air. On his very rare day off, Minato always liked to visit the different worlds in the vastness that was the after life to check up on people who he had judged. This particular one was a young boy named Michael (or Mike by fellow children, it is strange how your elders always seem to say the full name…) who had been murdered by his parents so that they could eat him in the hopes of staying alive for a few more days. It worked out for them, being able to live many years after that until the pair of ninjas died in a flood.

The meeting between them and Minato was… very interesting, to say the least.

**Flashback**

"Pain! Torture! Suffering! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**End Flashback**

Needless to say, the pair had yet to see any sort of light since they disappeared from the damnable white space.

Away from such dark thoughts, there was the six year old boy in front of Minato, grinning madly. The former Hokage had taken him under his wing in a way, teaching him all sorts of pranks to cause a lot of harmless havoc – and some not so harmless.

The young boy stealthily (not really, he made tons of noise, but Minato would never tell him that) crawled towards Minato, trying his best to avoid the attention of the men and women who were by a local lake relaxing their after life's away. Finally he got close enough to the Yondaime to whisper to him without being heard by prying ears.

"Minato-sensei, are you sure this is a good idea? These guys don't seem like the understanding type." The master looked upon the apprentice in a new light. He then proceeded to hit him on top of his head.

"Stop trying to be all wise and crap Michael! You have the 4th Hokage, the greatest ninja in history, at your side! What do you have to fear from a bunch of old men?" Minato had been nodding thoughtfully as he spoke, his agreement with himself taking physical manifestation.

"But Sensei, there are three Hokage down there!" Indeed, the young boy was correct. The Shodaime, the Nindaime, and the Sandaime were down by the lake, hiding behind the bushes watching half a dozen attractive women bathing.

Minato grinned evilly at his partner.

"Oh, I know who is down there. Have a little more faith in your partner's scouting ability, would you?" With that Minato smiled widely and the young boy smiled too – If the Yondaime said everything was going to work out, of course it would be true. With his fears allayed, Michael went down to his hunches and listened attentively as Minato gave him his instructions on passing this super duper double fantastic final exam on officially becoming an honorary Shinobi. Giving the go ahead, Yondaime watched proudly as his apprentice made his way to the three peeping old men. Minato hoped that this plan worked, for if not, all was lost.

Minato later would note that it was immensely difficult to build any type of suspense about catching perverts in the act, but would continue to try.

Mike made his way down to the three legendary ninja who were softly giggling as an attractive young woman was skinny dipping in the lake, her curves being shown off every now and again as she basked in the warmth of the water. The three men were far too busy by the show to notice the noise behind them, and it would cost them.

Mike cleared out his throat and began to talk loudly.

"Wow! What are you guys doing here? I just wanted to ask you a few questions and-" The three men were motioning him to be silent with pleading expressions on their face, but it was useless, the woman had already heard his yelling and was now fully out of the water, an angry expression on her face.

However at this time we will not dwell on the vicious beating the three elderly men received at the hands of the enraged woman, but to young Mike. For you see this was the first time he had looked upon a naked woman, and while Minato's excellent teachings had taught the young man how to stop bleeding from his nose instantly, his vision fogged over from the sight. Something happened then, something that we are still unsure about. All that can be certain is the result: Young Mike like Blondes. He liked them a lot.

"Such beautiful curls of blonde… oh how I would like to be lost in their soft folds…" Mike had a dreamy look in his eyes, lost in his own world now.

Minato scratched the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. While Mike finding a way not to be perverted was welcomed to the blonde, it seemed a bit freakish that he would have an uncontrollable obsession with Minato's hair color. Although Minato had to note that some had it worse.

**Flashback**

Minato had been having difficulty perfecting new water Jutsu and decided to, for once, swallow his pride and ask his perverted teacher for some guidance. The problem was that Minato put far too much rotation while trying to perform any water jutsu. So instead of a calm torrent that was controllable, he obtained a vortex of uncontrollable chakra infused water. While the idea of chakra being rotated for high impact seemed promising, his sensei always scoffed at the notion that such techniques were possible and only pounded it into his head harder than elemental jutsu were the most important. That being said, young Minato stored the idea for a swirling chakra ball away for later study.

"Ero-sennin, where are you? I actually have a question for once, could you come out and help me please?" Minato was never one to be kept waiting, especially when it impeded his progress as a Shinobi. The Hokage would not simply surpass themselves, after all!

Minato finally got fed up with waiting and decided to barge into Jiraiya's private quarters, where the frog hermit most surely was. Jiraiya had asked Minato nicely (read: harshly and with a punch to the skull) to stay out of here at all time, citing that a man needed his private space. However whenever Minato got annoyed his memory would always fail him, and this was no exception.

Finally reaching the entrance to Jiraiya's room, Minato kicked the door down only to discover the most haunting sight he would ever see this side of Orochimaru.

There sat a naked Jiraiya among a sea of frogs, reading to them. That alone would have been enough to cause many scars, but what he was reading was the stuff that blackmail was made of.

"And so Beth, the horny frog, sucked in her breath as her chosen mate plunged in- Oh, hello Minato." Although Jiraiya tried his best to come off casual sounding, it just didn't quite seem well executed.

Minato had gone pale upon entering the room, realizing that no witty retort that he had could justify the magnitude of what he had walked in on. Jiraiya realized his apprentice's problem and tried to quickly remedy it.

"Listen Minato, I understand that to one ignorant in the ways of the frog that this might sound strange and perverted. However, my frogs are feeling down at the moment and part of being their master is helping them mentally as well as physically. I know this doesn't look right, but appearances come secondary to the well being of my frogs, understand Minato?" Minato still had a confused look on his face when a question came to mind.

"But why do you have to be naked?"

Jiraiya's face paled and he opened his mouth, but instead of an answer it was a jutsu.

"Generic Memory Wipe Jutsu!" Going through a few hand seals Jiraiya completed the technique, and to Minato it was like his master had been by his side the entire time, tirelessly helping him master the many forms of water.

A shame for Jiraiya that he was unaware that all such jutsu lost their effects once a person died, as they did not affect the spirit, only the memory center of the person's brain.

Oh there would be hell to pay…

**End Flashback**

Shaking the memories away, Minato grabbed Mike and teleported him away before the old men caught wind of exactly what had just transpired.

Minato teleported to the furthermost corner of the damnable white space, deciding that he was bored with adventure and annoying the ever amusing Assistant-sama would be right up his alley at the moment. His plotting was interrupted by Mike reaching up and grabbing a lock of his hair

"So…soft… and… golden." Minato looked down at his would be apprentice and slapped his hand away.

"Stop that!"

Mike frowned.

"I just want to touch it a little…"

"No!"

"Why not?" More pouting.

"Because that's just crazy." Minato was so not giving into the pouting.

"But it's blonde and cool looking!" The pouting was getting really thick at this point. Minato, never one to resist pouting for long, was struck was a sudden idea.

"How about I send you to a place with a pretty girl with the most gorgeous blonde hair that you ever did see?" Thankfully Mike took his cue to take the bait an Minato sent him on his way with a teleportation scroll.

"I hope young Luna will be alright. Ah well, she always did say the more the merrier!"

With his apprentice now gone, Minato's attention came back to the backlog he had left the Shinigami's assistant. Reaching into his overcoat he withdrew a chart of the people who had died since he had left. Scanning it quickly he noted that only four had decided today was a good day to die thus far, meaning that the queue should have been lowered quite a bit, seeing as he had been gone for hours.

Whipping out the queue button he stared impassively at the number, his face showing disbelief.

**908**

Not a single person had been judged since he had left for the day. This could mean several things, and only one of them could be good for him. Sadly he didn't believe he had enough good fortune to have lived (so to speak) to see the day where Assistant-sama was banished to the lowest level of hell, so he frowned and made his way to his desk.

Upon arriving at his work station he immediately picked up on a couple things. One Assistant-sama was knocked out cold beside the desk and two was everyone there seemed intent on ignoring her. He liked them already. That was until a brash young man stepped forward with an angry look on his face. It was our old friend Hayate, just slightly more aggressive than we last saw him.

"About time someone arrived! Are you going to do your job or are we going to have to waste all day in this place?" Hayate was young you see, and did not recognize the Yondaime at a glance. While Minato never minded if someone got in his face, contrary to popular belief he was in fact a very patient and restrained person most of the time. However most of the older Shinobi were shocked at the disrespect he was showing a Hokage of Konoha, especially _this_ Hokage, and more than one was ready to put him in line for it.

Minato waved them off, and they calmed down a bit.

"My, aren't you the irritable one. Calm yourself, Hayate. It is fruitless to be angry at yourself for dying; it is such a silly notion." What Yondaime didn't add was that it was a thought that had crossed his mind many times. Before Hayate could question how he knew his name, Minato spoke up again.

"Anyway enough of my banter, you people need judging and I am here to judge. Would you please all form a single line and wait patiently, this will likely take awhile. Thank you." Minato kicked Assistant-sama out of the way and put on his reading glasses (out of habit if nothing else) and called forth the first person in the line of 908 people.

Having a day off was a blast, but returning to work after that day was a pain in the ass. The Yondaime reminded himself it could be worse, he could be Orochimaru.

**Meanwhile…**

"Oh my God Kabuto make the pain stop! Make it stop! Do something!" Kabuto frantically tried every medical jutsu he knew, but he could not seem to soothe his master's pain.

The Shinigami took a bite of his sandwich.

"This is quality entertainment if I ever saw it."

_Orochimaru – 0, Shinigami – 120,492_

AN: Oddly enough even though I had trouble writing for so long I never managed that flashback to where the Death God and our beloved Minato first meet. It just didn't seem to fit anywhere and it never really took off in my mind. In fact for several months nothing did. However I managed to reel off around 1300 words in little over two hours and so all is where that ends well, I suppose. As always I am ever grateful to my readers who take the time to share their laughter with me, it warms my heart to know there are bastards as sick as I am out in this vast world, I am close to shedding a tear just revealing this fact.

Feedback as always is welcome, and hopefully another chapter of this fic will be out before half my readers are dead.

Oh, a happy thanksgiving to all of you, in advance.

Chris

P.S. Sorry for the AN being a stand alone chapter for a bit, I hate when others do that, but I thought you guys deserved to know that I still cared.


	9. Hell to Pay

**AN**: Hello and welcome back to the insane and ever weird world that is Minato's life. My apologies on such the long wait, it has been far too long since I sat down to write for this, somewhat to do with the fact that it has not even been close to a priority, somewhat because my muse has many times stripped me of my ideas, but mostly you can blame it on a game called "DOTA", if you don't know what this is, you may be better off without such knowledge. Regardless, this chapter is a departure from previous chapters. While I still would say there is much humor to be found, the title of the chapter says much for its content. I love nothing more than to see the great Yondaime Hokage smiling and popping one liners, but this chapter is for Minato the hurt father, more so than the legendary figure we know him as. However, he isn't a major part of this chapter, as the Manga has inspired me to make it about another "main" character of this story. kukuku.

However, please be warned, **there will be minor chapter 344 spoilers for Naruto in this Chapter, I don't think it is huge, but even so you have been warned. Although, actually, if you haven't read it you may not catch the reference. **

Oh, and there is still plenty of humor to be found, just not from Minato.

Thank you all for your continued support and reviews, and enjoy the chapter.

**Chapter 9**

**Hell to Pay**

"Rasengan!" Minato thrust the orb of chakra straight into Hayate's stomach, crippling the man's motor functions as he went down to the ground, screaming in agony. Seeing the look of pain on Hayate's face, he did it again just to hear him scream, hoping the second one would be just a little louder.

It can never be said that the Yondaime Hokage was without rage, for all of the good he wrought, any Rock Nin could tell you the fury that Minato held inside of him.

For those who do not remember, only mere hours ago had Minato met with the Sandaime Hokage, leader of the hidden village of Konoha. Although Minato's mentor hadn't been willing to divulge much, Minato was able to open the Sandaime's case file upon his death. Enabling him to obtain certain names of those who had been privy to Naruto's suffering and chose to do nothing not out of social constrain, but out of spite.

There would be much pain in the damnable white space today.

Off to the side of the action sat Zabuza, who was reveling in the amount of killing intent in the room that just so happened to _not_ be directed at him. He had always thrived off that sick feeling of a person who is fighting on nothing but rage and hatred, and it had pained him to fight Copy Cat Kakashi, a man who was nearly emotionless every minute in the day.

Zabuza was forced out of his memories as he had to raise his hand to deflect the spurts of blood coming at him. When Minato-san got angry he sure got angry. Of course Zabuza, like all ninjas, knew of how horrifying it was for the hidden village of the Rock to face such a terrible force, the horror stories still were murmured by even S class criminals who had happened to run into former Rock nin who happened to have survived The Yondaime's fury. The fear of facing the legendary Ninja "Yellow Flash" was what lead many to become "former" Rock Nins, opting retirement over death.

Zabuza continued listening to the tortured screams of Konoha ANBU, content to let the blood of those pitiful fools drip down his arm and their screams to meet his ears.

**In a place thankfully unknown... **

The Shinigami believed that there was certain karma to be considered in the grand scheme of things. When one had as heavy of a hand in death as the Shinigami did, all actions had to be weighed carefully when making decisions. Because despite all of the fun and games that were to be had at the expense of stupid snakes and their amusing screams, sometimes even the ever playful Shinigami had to get serious. There was a very short list of things that could make this happen.

Having the greatest of the demons about to rampage in the after life would be one of those small problems. For you see, at this time a young Konoha Shinobi who inherited a will of fire stronger than all others was battling for his very life at the hands of the Death God's favorite test dummy. However, that mattered not.

For the Shinigami was about to lose a very important bet, and that was a problem. The Shinigami was not one prone to failure; in fact when it applies to him the word did not exist. Don't be fooled however, he had to pull some strings with the god of languages to pull off that little feat.

The Shinigami's biggest weakest was his pride in his minions. He believed that fate ordained who served under him, and while he would never in all of eternity admit it to any one of them, he knew they were the best souls around. They had lead the best lives, had the most honors on their record, and they made fantastic pawns in his game of chess.

However one was not just a pawn, but the strongest piece on the board: The Queen. That honor, although sounding strangely erotic out of contest, belonged to Minato. The Shinigami trusted Minato's judgment and power. He had been shocked at his selflessness when he had sacrificed himself to keep Konoha safe. Very few knew what could have been if the Kyuubi had never attacked. The unmatched power that Minato would have, even in comparison to gods such as himself, was frightening.

It might have even made Orochimaru straight.

The Death God still couldn't comprehend that kind of power.

However musings of a future that never happened would have to wait. For sitting in front of the Shinigami was his arch nemesis. Life. Or for simplicity's sake, Bob.

Surely you didn't think that there could be a living incarnate of death without one for Life? Although not many people care to think about it, the universe has many balances in place, including opposite but equals in the ranks of the Gods.

Bob was a likable fellow, always smiling, always willing to lend a hand, a pulse, and sometimes even a few quarts of blood if the situation required it. Bob was everything that the Shinigami despised. He inspired hope in others; he brought forth only good deeds and charity in people. He was just too damn good at everything he did. Even when the Shinigami time and time again ended life's marvelous works, Life would only smile and say "It is part of the cycle, I understand" and go back to creating more life.

However for Bob's entire do good attitude he did have one odd quirk. It was _his_ most proud creation that lead to this bet. For you see, of all the creatures that Bob berthed into the world of the mortals, there were none that he held more esteem for than the nine tailed fox demon, the Kyuubi.

And so a bet commenced.

**Flashback**

"Hello Bob, how are you doing today?" The Shinigami's voice oozed victory as he sat down his eternal (in a very literal sense) rival. Bob looked up, his face soaked with tears.

"My precious Kyuubi has been defeated by a mere human! How, how is this possible!?" Life wailed and sniffed and all those horrible things that the Shinigami took comfort in knowing that he had caused them.

"Well, I might have been summoned by him to perform an ingenious sealing procedure to forever trap the Kyuubi into his newly born son in exchange for his servitude for the rest of existence or something along those lines..." Bob's mood changed so suddenly that even the unflappable Shinigami was a bit startled. A look of evil passed through Bob's eyes and Death began to wonder if perhaps he had not pushed his rival a bit too far this time.

"Oh Shinigami-san, you are quite foolish if you believe your help in sealing my mighty beast will change the outcome of fate. You may have stalled the inevitable, but I assure you that the Kyuubi will break free from the puny chains which you helped create and when he does human and all of their filth will be wiped from existence! Hahahahaha!" By the end of that awfully uncharacteristic rant Bob's chest was heaving and sweat rolled from his forehead. The Shinigami was unimpressed.

"If you are so confident, why don't we place a little wager, my Minato-kun's seal versus your pathetic fox?" The Shinigami's goading worked like a charm, for as calm and collected as Bob usually was his pride was out of hand at this point.

"Very well, let's make this personal. If Kyuubi breaks free, your beloved prodigy is erased from all of existence, including the after-life. If his pathetic seal holds up, through many miracles and flukes, the Kyuubi will be erased from that very same existence." Bob knew the Shinigami would never such a proposal, he was all talk. The Death God was never one to take risks on this scale, any second his cowed voice would come and-

"I accept your foolish proposal, Bringer of Life." Bob was startled as the Shinigami had a confident (and very grim) smirk on his face.

_Minato, the stakes of your life and death duel with the Kyuubi just went beyond life and death… I hope for your sake that seal is all you cracked it up to be._

**End Flashback**

The Shinigami did not know much of human affairs, content to stay in his little corner of the mortal realm (which happened to comprise wholly of notepads on how to make life hell for Orochimaru) however he did know that the jailer for the Kyuubi was in the best hands for dealing with his own little tortured soul, his team mates. Oh the Shinigami know of Orochimaru's team mates, for every time he spied on that snake of his, they were always around. One was a pervert who had an obsession with frogs; the other was a token hot chick with fancy healing abilities. Okay so maybe the all mighty Death God had some problems remembering actual names, but the point was he knew their roles. He was certain that dear Naruto-kun would not die while Tsunade still drew breath into that heaving bosom of hers.

_Mmmm… Bosom._

The Shinigami shook his head to clear those silly thoughts (silly only because he did not control the woman's soul yet, fwahahaha) and decided it was time to take a nap, because even the most vicious god of the after-life needs his beauty sleep.

Minato cracked his knuckles and looked at the digital queue button, which now read **900**. After taking care of Hayate and a few others, and he sure did take care of them, Minato decided it was time to get to the less personal part of his job: Judging evil bastards. Said evil bastards were mostly huddled in the far corner of the damnable white spaces, making peace with themselves before the judge of souls broke them into half like he did the last group of people he judged very brutally a few moments prior. Flipping through the files he rolled his eyes at some of the acts that could technically be classified as evil. Running with scissors? Minato was about to roll his eyes again until he read the next line which included "into" "small children" "repeatedly". The Yondaime shuddered.

Flipping another page Minato finally found someone who seemed interesting, if the name was any indication.

"Dango, step forth."

A tall and lanky sound Nin came forth from the crowd and approached Minato's desk, showing no fear or hesitation. In fact he didn't show much of anything, his face an expressionless mask. Minato took a closer look at the man and found him familiar in a way that he couldn't place. He was very pale and had narrowed yellow eyes and dark hair. He had a sneaking suspicion that he might have known the man's parents from somewhere, yet his mind just couldn't grasp where…

"Are either of your parents from Konoha, Dango?" Dango appeared to think on the question for a moment before answering.

"You could say that," Dango's reply was in an even voice, although he had the faintest of smirks plastered on his face.

**Flashback**

Orochimaru plunged the knife into his latest test subject, watching for reactions. Only getting a scream, he rubbed his temples in frustration. How was he ever going to be able to get any peace around here if every time he tortured a test subject they screamed? They were ninja for Shinigami's sake; they were supposed to have some pain tolerance. Orochimaru saw nothing too painful about digging around someone's arm with a knife to test jutsu. It wasn't as if there was anything vital in the arm that would be missed if he accidentally cut it off. Although he did try to not repeat mistakes, so his current subject, # 3 for the day, was _so_ not going to end up one armed like the other two.

About to go back to work, Orochimaru heard a knock on his lab door. Tilting his head for a moment towards the door, he smiled as he felt a familiar presence on the other side. Knowing she could let herself in.

The door opened quietly as a young girl, no older than 13, entered the room almost without a sound, and was soon by her mentor's side.

Of course, all she saw was a dark room and Orochimaru sitting in a comfortable chair, his lab seemingly melting from view.

"Ah…, Anko-chan, it is so nice to see you again. How have you been, child?" Orochimaru managed a shiver of warmth in his voice, although they both knew he held no warmth in his heart for the young girl. Anko was fine with this. Orochimaru was the best ninja in the village, and he conducted himself like all Shinobi should: Without emotion or pretense. It was part of the reason why Anko looked up to him, the Snake Sannin.

"I am well master, I have come as you have requested." Anko's voice was emotionless, as were her eyes. To her she was the perfect Shinobi, however many around her believed her sensei was draining her of human emotion. While most of the village would trust their lives to Orochimaru's skills, not all approved of his methods.

"Ah yes, Anko-chan. I have a special mission for you, although it is not one regulated through the Hokage, nor the council. In fact it is a very personal mission that bares much responsibility, Anko-chan." Anko was confused, Orochimaru usually was one who got right to the point, but he seemed to be treading carefully here.

"Master, what is it? I will do anything for you." Orochimaru grinned, an expression which scared the young girl more than a little.

"I wish for you to sire my child, Anko-chan." Anko paled dramatically, her mind almost incapable of understanding what she had just been asked to do.

"As you wish, master." Her voice was cold and distant, that of a Shinobi, all signs of a young girl gone.

In the corner of the lab, undetectable by mortal means, the Shinigami had an eyebrow quirked, genuine surprise at Orochimaru's request etched across his ghastly features. So the boy finally wanted a child, did he? Well any normal being of the dead wouldn't care less, however as has become apparent the Shinigami is twisted beyond any description that could be provided, and thus he broke out his most evil device.

The wheel of misfortune was by all means a tool which should never have existed. Forged from hatred, pure darkness, and some shredded brussel sprouts this wheel was a gift from the fates after Shinigami-sama did them a favor, although what that favor might have been is still a mystery. This wheel had the power to alter the fate of a person, be it for better or for worse. There were 100 possible outcomes written on this wheel, and only one of them was good. To say that the Death God had been pleased when he saw the monstrosity would be a vast understatement.

He had been _happy_, an event not seen since.

Stepping forward, thinking of the future child of Orochimaru, the Death God spun the wheel.

It landed on…

**End Flashback**

Minato ignored the smirk and began to skim Dango's file. When he was a young boy he had been given elite training befitting a genius, treated like royalty by Orochimaru's servants, and had the best of everything. However none of it seemed to pan out, he was a dreadfully average Shinobi whose ambition in life was to open up a Dango shop and serve the world's best Dango in the entire world. Given his name, that was quite ironic.

Finally he got to the family history side and proceeded to gawk.

_Orochimaru got laid, talk about a plot twist…_

Raising his head to meet Dango's gaze, he could do nothing but shrug.

"Your dad is a complete bastard, however considering you've never done anything of note, nor have you ever killed an innocent, I can't really say you deserve to suffer in the after life. Although learn to smile, it is healthy for you." With that casual judgment, Minato sent him on his way, kind of still reeling from the fact that Orochimaru actually managed to have sex with something.

**Meanwhile…**

"Dear Satan, how have you been? This is Jake from Water country, I was just wondering if you could give me enough strength to wipe out all of my enemies in exchange for my soul. Write back soon. xoxoxoxo"

Nick looked up from the letter formally addressed to Satan and shook his head in annoyance.

For you see, the figure known as Satan to many in the mortal world didn't exist any more, long ago being banished from all of forever. However it seems people forgot to send out the memo and now someone had to process the fan mail. Luckily for all of the after life, they had just the perfect person for the job who had no negotiation rights whatsoever.

Being stuck in the halls of the dead for all of eternity was turning into a real bummer, even if the whole of the mortal race was nothing but failures in Nick's eyes. However perhaps it was for the best, because he still had his fox girl, and that made everything alright.

Bringing himself back from his daydream, he noticed the Halls of the Dead guardian, known to most simply as "the creepy door" stepped forth in its human form.

"Sir, you have a visitor who I was unable to dissuade from entering." The man door freak of nature bowed his head.

"Okay? Whatever, just get back to your post, not as if I care if someone wants to talk to me, meh…"

A person stepped out of the shadows, and Nick's eyes widened in surprise.

"I did not expect to see you visiting me; it has been quite some time since we have last met." Nick's voice reflected his surprise. The person could only laugh merrily at the man's reaction.

**AN: **I believe this is the first "cliffhanger" I've done, and don't really care to make a habit of it or anything. This chapter was a bit weird because there really was not just one soul to judge, which I usually am fond of writing. However Dango occurred to me and I just ran with it. For those confused by the timeline, the present time in Minato's after life is in the latter stages of the Tsunade Arc in Naruto. I'd also just like to say though that this is not going to be a crossover fic with Bleach. Although I understand many Bleach fans think of that anime when they see the term "Shinigami", I want to make this about Minato's soul judging (and with a very big guest cameo to Orochimaru's life being made as bad as possible just because a certain death god wishes it to be so). I just wanted to clear that up, as there was some confusion.

Next chapter we find out just who Nick was talking to, Minato is back to his usual tricks, and we move on to the next arc of the manga!

- Chris


	10. Sound of Mind

Note from the bastard who made you wait a long time: Yo. Since we have last met, a lot of my story has been destroyed by canon, who would have thought they would actually name my main character! Insanity. Alas, no names will be changed, you guys will just have to accept, like all fanfiction, mine is based off a set point of canon, and certain aspects just can't be changed. For the record though, I do like the name Minato quite a bit, I am not one of those writers who will bash his source work, as I still love Naruto in all of its weird glory., Deaths will be kept to canon deaths and I have a few new interesting ones once I get caught up, don't I?

Hope you guys enjoy, sorry for the massive wait. But I have a really good reason. There was this lady who needed help crossing the road, and you see I was so endeared to her I just had to stay and make she was OK after the crossing. Well, we got to talking and she said she crossed that street every day, so I obviously had to help her across the street the next day. But then her son appeared and said they had just found out that him and his wife were having a child and they were so existed that they didn't notice that a car was coming, and it hit the lady. Feeling so bad about it I promised to nurse her back to health and…

Well, her son promised to name me the God Father of his kid at least, always look at the bright side, my readers!

Oh, and if you are offended by strong language, you may want to skip over some of Tayuya's dialogue in this chapter, she can be colorful, and I chose to leave her be.

**Chapter 10: Sound of Mind**

Minato mused over his morning paper, gladly having a distraction from an otherwise boring day. He had judged a few people here and there, mostly boring people who died from such boring causes like a heart attack, a stroke, and a duel to the death after a ninety-eight hour battle.

Much to Minato's displeasure, he found out said battle was fought with Knights and Rooks, not kunai and jutsu.

Minato continued reading his paper, becoming slightly disturbed about some of the news that was being reported from the living world. Perhaps it had been a bad idea to extort the Shinigami into giving him some link to the outside world.

**Flashback**

"What do you mean you know about all the bets I have been making with Bob, Minato-kun? What does it matter if I may have had a small wager here and there?" The Shinigami knew he had nothing to worry about; at best his precious Minato had merely overheard a few words from a distance and could be led off the trail easily enough. Honestly, the odds that he actually heard about the one damning conversation were one in a million.

On the other hand…

"Small bets you say? Is that what you would call betting my very existence over a seal that was done under duress? While I have confidence in it, I am not ready to perish for all of eternity over your pride!" Minato's eyes showed fury, and the Death God really didn't want to see his favorite pet mad over a minor misunderstanding. Being generous for once, the Shinigami got an idea.

"I am sorry Minato-kun, how about I make it up for you in some way? Name a favor, any favor, and if it is within my vast power I shall grant it." As soon as the words were spoken the anger left the blonde's eyes and his features relaxed. Minato formed a foxy grin on his face and the Shinigami knew at once he had been had for a fool.

"Bring me a newspaper for Konoha, I want more information on the living!"

**End Flashback**

Looking at the Newspaper, Minato couldn't believe that Tsunade had recently been made Hokage, and further more, it was Naruto that had brought her back! It was also news to him that Jiraiya-sensei had taken Naruto as his apprentice. A sense of pride went through Minato's soul at hearing how far Naruto had come, managing to overcome the fools of his village. Speaking of fools, he kicked the Konoha ANBU that was hogtied under the table. His only response was to groan in pain.

Minato was truly impressed with how comprehensive and fair this newspaper was. Although it was most odd, he knew from several reports that most people, at the best of times, ignored Naruto and paid him no mind, as if he were not even alive. Yet whoever had written this paper seemed to have a genuine fondness for Naruto. But how could that be?

**A Day earlier, in Konoha**

The Shinigami sipped on some tea as he stared at the sleeping form of Iruka, Naruto's former teacher and the person who looked out for Naruto the most, an older brother figure of sorts, the Death God had surmised. What a perfect person to manipulate into doing his dirty work for him. Taking a few steps so that he was directly above Iruka, he poked the man's forehead, entering his mind.

If Naruto's mind resembled a sewer due to years of mental abuse and neglect, then the plain white rooms of Iruka's mind would have to signify years of being a very boring person on almost every level. The Shinigami crinkled its nose in disgust, turning around trying to find something interesting. Finally his eyes came to rest on a desk in the far corner of this massive house. There was a chair where Iruka sat, his eyes wandering to many pictures laid out before him, and as his eyes moves the expression on his face changed. The Shinigami could almost feel a small amount of pity for the man as he frowned at a picture of his parents, whose lives were taken the night the Kyuubi nearly destroyed Konoha. The next picture was one of his childhood sweetheart, Anko, made him wince. He had only asked her out once, and was quickly rejected by the Snake Sannin's only apprentice. He still liked her a lot, but never had the courage to do anything about it. Finally Iruka broke into a smile as he viewed a picture of Naruto and him sitting at the Ramen shop, Naruto looking as happy as could be, grinning like a fox while Iruka sheepishly smiled for the camera. The Shinigami thought it was best if he made contact now, before he threw up his dinner.

_Ah Minato, you would be so glad to see that there are those that would safeguard Naruto with their lives if need be… alas, it only makes me sick._

"Good evening to you, Iruka-san." The Death God's voice was low and deep, perfect for those moments when a cheery voice just isn't scary enough!

Iruka quickly turned around to see the Shinigami standing before him in all his glory.

"Who are you!?" Iruka's voice was as hard as steel, and held no fear within it. But on the inside he was scared out of his mind.

"I am God, and I have come down from … what do you guys call it again?" At being asked such a question, Iruka simply reverted back to his school days of answering every question.

"Heaven?"

"Ah yes, right, I am God and I have come down from heaven to test your mettle as one of my chosen. If you perform the task well you will be rewarded appropriately." The Shinigami gave his best "I am being very nice to you for doing this" smile to Iruka, who in turn became even more scared.

Iruka is a wise man.

"But I don't-"The Shinigami waved his hand, dismissing whatever Iruka was about to say.

"All you have to do is write a paper about Konoha's affairs over the past year or so, and include lots of information about Naruto. A simple task for one such as yourself, correct, Iruka-san?" Again, the Shinigami beamed down at Iruka, trying his best to appear calm and nice. It was one of the many times where the Death God's expression belied his true nature. If Iruka did not agree to do this he'd have him tortured for years, because it meant that he himself would actually have to do real work.

This idea was considered preposterous to the Shinigami.

"Okay… that doesn't sound too hard, I guess." The Shinigami broke into an evil grin at hearing this. With a snap of his fingers every single item needed to print one copy of a quality Newspaper appeared. With all the materials needed, as well as detailed instructions on how to properly do everything, Iruka went to work.

The Shinigami was about to leave him to his work when he looked back down at the pictures and frowned slightly. Perhaps his pet had been getting to him more than he realized, because looking at the picture of Anko made him pity the lonely man. He'd make up for it later by torturing Orochimaru later, regardless.

As soon as Iruka woke up from his slumber, he'd find a half naked Anko in his bed, wanting to be cuddled.

**Back to the White Space**

Before he was able to turn to the Sports section of the paper, the queue button began to glow, signaling that someone had decided to drop dead and pay him a visit. How lovely.

Throwing his mug of coffee in a random direction, discarding the paper into a random drawer in his desk, and cracking his knuckles, he straightened up and made sure he was fully presentable for whoever had decided to die today. With all the preparations made, he pressed the button, allowing the six people in. Taking a glance down at his paper work, he looked at their names for a moment before taking the time to study the people themselves.

The first thing he noticed was that they all wore Sound headbands, indicating their allegiance before death. _So I have a bunch of snakes, hooray…_

The second thing he noticed happened to be a pink haired girl, possibly no older than Naruto, who was a foul mouthed wretch if he had ever seen one.

"I can't believe we Fuck-" She was interrupted by Minato.

"I'd ask you to watch your language, please." Minato's facial expression was impassive, as if he had just spoken about the weather.

The pink haired girl snarled at Minato, clearly not taking heed of his light warning.

"How about you take your dick and go fuck-" Minato was on top of her within a second, his hand calmly placed over her mouth. However his eyes had lost the warmth they usually carried, turning a frigid blue.

"I only ask politely once, Tayuya-chan." Minato's voice was flat and emotionless, and scared the crap out of everyone present. Kimimaro was the first to realize this man was obviously a ninja at one point, his speed being far too great for any normal person. Of course, if he was actually smart he'd realize that everyone here was dead so technically speaking no power from life should transfer to the after-life. But hey, when you have a life ending disease and spend all your time worshipping a pedophile snake something like "critical thinking" is left off the curriculum. Sadly, although Kimimaro had one answer, he was clueless as why some random ninja was here greeting them.

The first to recover from their fright was Tayuya, who had the most odd reaction imaginable.

Tayuya had reached out and grasped Minato in a massive, bone crushing, hug.

Minato was not amused.

"Why aren't you just the sexiest and most firm man that I have seen in all my years! Take me now my blonde headed man, take me like the stallion you are! I can take it, Orochimaru has experimented using all sorts of huge devices on my –" In a most uncanny fashion, the remaining members of the sound all managed to cover Tayuya's mouth just in time before the final word had slipped out.

The Yondaime twitched at her eagerness. Tayuya took this as a sign of approval and started to rub her head against his chest in what could only be gruesomely described as a loving manner.

Minato had to spend the next few minutes pulling the love-struck teen off of him.

_Orochimaru you will pay for sending this … thing … to me_

**In a Dark, Scary place…**

Orochimaru sneezed.

Kabuto rushed to his master's side.

"Are you alright, Orochimaru-Sama?" Kabuto's face was filled with concern, as a Medic-nin he was very paranoid any time even the tiniest of things seemed to be bothering him. Orochimaru looked at Kabuto with none of his usual amusement.

"Of course I am fine; I am simply adjusting to my new body. You should stop pestering me, Kabuto-kun, if you know what is best for you." The Snake Sannin gave Kabuto a dull but meaningful look, and Kabuto bowed his head in apology.

"Forgive me master, I will leave you to rest." Kabuto exited the room quietly, afraid to look back.

Meanwhile the invisible Shinigami giggled in delight at Orochimaru's sneeze. Over the years the sadistic bastard (… This is referring to the Shinigami, so we don't have any confusion on which one is being discussed) had planted so many seeds of paranoia into Orochimaru's mind that he was sure if he was ever cut open a new rain forest would spring up from the wound. Watching as his favorite torture toy lay down in his bed, the Shinigami looked to his right to a wheel. This was not any ordinary wheel, and it was not

ordinary for multiple reasons. For one, it was not visible to anyone aside from the Death God, the wheel being his private toy. Secondly, each portion of the wheel had different psychological tortures that the Shinigami could inflict on any mortal at any time. Spin the wheel, spin the wheel, where it will stop, nobody knows!

Also taped to the top of the wheel was a sign that said "Not an ordinary wheel, handle with care."

Using a boney finger, the Shinigami lightly tapped the wheel, causing it to spin. While waiting for the wheel to stop, as it usually took a few minutes given the Shinigami's vast strength, he began to ponder what would happen if his excellently executed plan to keep Orochimaru alive ever failed. While he was absolutely certain no natural cause would ever kill Orochimaru, oh how he had made sure of that, he had gathered quite a number of enemies throughout his life. It was possible, although unlikely given how many safeguards against all manners of death had dropped into Orochimaru's lap through various coincidental discoveries made by him throughout the years, that Orochimaru would eventually be killed either by some good for nothing hero who had enough power to back up his righteous fury or a fellow psychopath who saw Orochimaru as a rival. Whatever the case may be, the Shinigami dreaded that day greatly, and made a note to destroy the life of whatever dumbass was stupid enough to kill the snake Sannin.

Just as he finished the thought wheel stopped on a big frowning face. The Shinigami's face was a mirror image of the one on the wheel, for he was very displeased. All of the other places of the wheel had various evils written on them, but this one signified that there was to be no psychological torture for the day.

The Shinigami looked left, and then he looked right. With a shrug of his shoulders he spun the wheel again.

He never said he played fair, now did he?

The evil laughter rang throughout the room, although there was no one to hear it but the Death God himself.

**In other, less important ventures… **

"I suppose it is not every day that God walks into your domain to take a peek around then." Nick smiled tightly, always confused beyond belief by the person who all referred to, in some language, manner, or reality, as "God." To look into the face of God was to look on perfection in every way. Imagine the most beautiful woman you had ever laid your eyes on, and that was what God looked like. Now you may be thinking that is a bit odd, and it would be so, if not for the fact it was a purposeful trick by God into making people feel more familiar with her. For the purposes of this conversation, her features were pretty but not bubbly, her figure shapely but not disgusting, and she had a fox tail.

Honestly, who didn't see that last one coming?

"Kami-sama, although it has been some time, you are as creepily attractive as ever." Kami beamed at Nick and bent down and ruffled his hair a little bit. Nick rolled his eyes at this habit, being treated like a kid by a person who looked like the most incredible being you'd ever seen… was oddly arousing. It didn't help that when he thought this Kami laughed at him, since she read his mind like an open book.

"Nick, I have not come here just to have you ogle at- eyes on the face young man." She got a stern expression as Nick's head tilted up more so that he was looking directly into her eyes; he was totally nonplussed about being caught looking.

"As I was saying, this is not a personal visit. I have come here to inform you by breaking Law 768 Subsection C Paragraph 18 of the God Laws; Impersonation of me, Shinigami-kun has forfeited one soul in his possession to me. I would normally have chosen the Yondaime Hokage, given that he has many talents I could take advantage of, however he has been performing his job admirably so I chose to let him be. However, you are simply rotting away in this place, responding to mail from a demon long ago vanquished, it is simply not fitting of a man with such keen intellect such as yourself to be doing almost absolutely nothing with it, so you now belong to me." Kami smiled down at Nick who could only furrow his eyebrows.

"Ok… it isn't like I care at all." At Nick's bored attitude, Kami smirked.

"First things first, I am taking away the fox-girl." The moment Kami said this, a suffocating killing aura surged from Nick and engulfed the entire room. Rolling her eyes, Kami snapped her fingers at the dark aura dissipated all together, leaving Nick on his knees panting heavily.

"While I may have a bust that you adore, remember who you are in front of, fool." Kami's voice was cold, very annoyed at the stunt that the mortal just tried to pull.

Nick this time was not nonplussed.

"Forgive me, Kami-sama." Nick bowed before her.

"Forgiven. Now let us discuss our revenge on Shinigami-kun." Kami smiled widely as Nick's expression turned sadistic.

"As you wish, Milady."

**The Damnable White Space**

Minato watched as the paperwork for five people disappeared from his desk, along with their spirit counterparts. Kimimaro was the only one who remained behind. Minato, more than any other feeling, had pitied the others. They had no true like for Orochimaru, only a lust for power that had driven them mad. The only way in life they could find peace was by killing, by causing pain, by inflicting it. Their souls could no longer be called good or redeemable. The worst part of it was he knew that he had no choice but to punish them, technically they had a choice. In the end, it could all be traced back to Orochimaru. So many people had suffered because of his need to be the best, no matter the cost.

_Orochimaru… you had best hope that you live forever, because if you don't, you will regret everything you've ever done in your miserable life._

Minato looked at Kimimaro's file and raised an eyebrow.

"So that whole bone Bloodline you have, does that _not_ freak you out or what?" Kimimaro tilted his head in confusion.

"It was certainly popular with the ladies on the days I was healthy enough…" Kimimaro smiled slightly, as if recalling fond memories.

Minato was simply floored by that perverted revelation. I guess its like Jiraiya-sensei always said, you can't judge a book by its cover. He would not have guessed that the impassive and extremely loyal (to several degrees of fault) Kimimaro would ever have thought to use a Bloodline that seemed so well suited for battle in such a perverse manner.

_I guess sensei's books may be more popular in Sound than I would have first imagined…_

Straightening himself, he looked at Kimimaro earnestly and spoke without much emotion.

"I like you, believe it or not. I believe honor and loyalty are something to be rewarded, which it never was for you. Your honest and good feelings were only abused; you never had a chance to be anything due to sickness and manipulations, even if you don't realize it, even still. You have never had a real need for blood, or to kill, you simply did what you had to do in harsh conditions. You also picked the worst type of man to follow, one who preyed upon your weakness and exploited all the strength you had, all the way up to your death. I find that you are a pure soul, and deserve peace. I hope you find it kid, because it has eluded you far too long." Minato pressed a button on his desk and Kimimaro disappeared from sight, off to his final destination, somewhere nice and sunny.

Preparing to go have a snack, Minato stopped dead in his M & Ms deluded thought process as his Queue button flashed for a moment then stopped. Minato looked at it perplexed. Prepared to wave it off as a glitch, he turned to go when it flashed again. This time, before it could go back to its dormant state, he pressed the button.

To his horror the figure that greeted him was a familiar one. Covered in his own blood and with a gaping wound in his chest, his own son stood before him with a lost look in his eyes. Pain roared through Minato's spirit.

_There's no way… not this soon… it can't possibly have come this soon… Naruto!_

Naruto looked at the Yondaime, his face curious for a moment. He looked down at his chest and merely stared, genuinely confused about what had happened. Looking back up at Minato, Naruto's eyes glint with recognition.

"Yondaime…?" Minato's heart bled as he heard the innocent inquiry. He didn't expect him here this soon. He had so much ahead of him, how could this be the end?

_How… did this happen?_

A/N: Bad please to leave off perhaps? Sorry if that is the case, this cliffhanger won't take 15 months to resolve though, I promise. I love writing this story, and unless I am really feeling it I just can't write, even this doesn't seem quite right to me. So if you actually enjoy this chapter, please tell me so I will be less harsh on my stupid self. I wrote about half of this chapter in one setting over five hours or so, while doing a few other things, once I get started, writing isn't the problem, the "feeling" is the problem, I don't know if anyone gets what I mean. As always there is no silly "review" quota before I update (besides, I owe you guys updates really, you guys don't owe me a damn thing after that wait). Anyway read, enjoy, spread the word to your friends: Minato is back!


	11. When Death Gods attack

A/N: I noticed something about the last seven or so chapters of this fanfic, I had said "sorry for the wait" in every single one of them. The wait ranging from a little over a month to well over a year, so I well imagine no one expected an update out of me any time soon. So as always, I throw a plot twist at you. A week and a half after the last chapter, I am back already! This one wrote itself for the most part once I got the ideas I wanted jotted down, honestly. This chapter was very reviewer inspired, because I did not have a set path I wanted to take before sitting down. So you wanted Zabuza? You got it! You wanted fox-girl mention? You got it! I don't usually fill so many requests in a single chapter, but I was feeling soft for you guys when I wrote this, so enjoy.

I am not sorry for this wait, because it hardly exists, hah!

And yes, I do talk a lot in these, sorry!

**Also there are very, very recent Manga spoilers in this chapter, like, Chapter 400 or so spoilers. I beg of you to read at your own risk, I am even bolding this to help you out here.**

Finally, to my reviewers who tell me it is Minato and not Arashi: Fair enough.

* * *

**Chapter 11: When Death Gods attack**

The first thought that came to mind was Naruto was wearing a lot of orange. Minato sighed, truly wishing that he could have been there for Naruto during those early years when the mind was most impressionable. It was clear that whoever had been looking out for Naruto had been doing a poor job. Honestly, _orange._ Just how do you let that much orange on someone? A ninja no less! Minato had to make a list of various painful techniques for whoever had had the nerve to sell that clothing to his son. In the mean time though, Minato had more important matters to think about.

In a blink of an eye, Minato was beside Naruto, kneeling down in front of him, inspecting him. He knew this wasn't normal, dead spirits, no matter the circumstances of death, almost never retained their fatal wounds. So why did Naruto still have a gaping hole in his chest? Before this question could be pondered more, he heard a sinister chuckle escape Naruto's mouth.

"**It has been a long time since we last spoke, human. I am glad to see you are as dim witted as ever." **Minato's eyes went wide as he looked at his son, only to see the face of the Kyuubi instead of that of a young boy. Minato could only smile in genuine amusement, because he knew if the Kyuubi was here then his son was not quite as dead as he first thought.

"It would seem the mighty fox-chan could not get out of my seal like he taunted mere moments before I put him there. For an almost immortal being rumored capable of destroying whole villages within minutes, you sure are taking your sweet time getting out of my seal." By the end of the obvious taunt Minato's face had broken into an almost fox-like feral grin. While Minato was normally mild tempered, when it came to his seals he got very defensive. To say that he was pleased that his seal could even withstand a very near death experience would be exactly correct.

Kyuubi had been a tad more formidable in the flesh.

**Flashback**

Minato looked into the eyes of the Kyuubi, his whole body pouring forth massive amounts of chakra, so much that even the Kyuubi's chakra was being pushed back at places by it. However, being able to combat such potent chakra came with a heavy price: The Shinigami had already stuck his sword into the Yondaime's gut, his soul being rended. The Kyuubi looked down at the Yondaime and the Shinigami and let loose a bellowing laugh.

"**You believe your flawed seal can hold me? Even with the help of this pathetic God that you have called forth, I will be free in mere moments."** At the insult the Shinigami got an otherworldly look of sadism in his eyes. He tilted his head (or what passed for a head anyway…) and spoke in his most badass and cool voice he could muster.

"You will regret that slight against me, Kyuubi-kun." The Shinigami got an insane grin on his face and began to channel massive amounts of his own energy into the seal.

Much to his regret later, Minato could not help but be overwhelmingly impressed with the Shinigami's might and awesome display of badass phrasing.

The Shinigami looked over at Minato's awe filled face and mentally gave himself a part on the back.

_I am so cool!_

On the other side of the coin, the Kyuubi had a very distinct feeling in the pit of his stomach that he shouldn't have provoked the Shinigami. On the other hand, it could just be that fat ANBU giving him gas. Alas, that was not the case as the Kyuubi began to feel the power of the seal sucking all of his power away from him.

His final sight before being sealed was of a Shinigami waving a sign around which read "You don't screw with me, Fox."

**End Flashback**

The Kyuubi spat at the feet of Minato

"**I would not taunt me if I were you; I am the only one who is keeping the boy alive. Perhaps I should just let him perish?" **Kyuubi's eyes gleamed with more than a hint of madness, clearly believing such an idea to be acceptable.

The Yondaime never stopped grinning.

"And kill yourself in the process? Not a chance Fox-chan. We both know your only hope for ever being free is if Naruto allows you to be." By the end of the sentence Naruto's body was all but faded from the white space, signaling that life was returning to him. As the last of the body disappeared, Kyuubi's parting words could be heard.

"**Oh, I assure you Uzumaki Minato, I know all about that hope you speak of, and plans have been made…fwahahaha." **Minato shivered at the prospect that Naruto could be twisted into letting the Kyuubi free willingly. He would just have to hope that his son had the will of fire that the Sandaime thought he did.

_I've got faith in you, Naruto…_

"Minato-kun!" The blonde haired ninja turned to his left just in time to see the Shinigami walking with a purpose. That purpose would appear to be one of victory as trumpets could be heard all throughout the white space. The Shinigami walked up to Minato and gave him a massive hug, which was quite possibly the most disgusting feeling Minato ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

The Death God took a step back and looked around in confusion.

"Where is the Kyuubi? I felt his life force all the way from my sleeping quarters-" Minato got a tick on his forehead at the mention of "sleeping quarters." It was just another name for "I was in the living world torturing something."

At the tick the Shinigami frowned, noting that he really needed to change his code words around, otherwise Minato might catch on more often. Then again, why did he care? Thus he pressed on.

"As I was saying, I felt the Kyuubi. Where is he so I may laugh at Bob for his utter defeat." The Shinigami looked expectedly at Minato, who rolled his eyes. Leave it to the Shinigami to be in a good mood over death and despair.

"He has returned to the living world, he was only here momentarily because Naruto nearly died in battle. It will take much more than puncturing Naruto's chest to keep the Kyuubi down, it would appear." The Shinigami frowned harshly at this news.

"I… see. Well, in that case I must do something else to keep me busy at the moment, so if you excuse me, I am going to go torture snakes now." With that, he opened a portal to the living world and stepped through.

_I hope that was subtle enough for him not to guess that I am going to pay Orochimaru a visit…_

Minato just sighed at the total disregard for his intelligence that had just occurred.

"I finally have you all to myself, Blonde-sama!!" Minato slowly turned around just in time to see Tsunade the fox-girl pounce on him. The shriek that came out of Minato's mouth could be heard all the way in the living world, where the Shinigami smiled.

_Just as planned._

**Meanwhile, in the tourist section of hell…**

Zabuza had been giving tours through hell for a few days now, after several murderous glares by the yellow flash, Zabuza got the message and decided to try his hand at some seasonal work until Minato felt like having company again. Heck, he'd even settle for not feeling as if his very existence was going to fade away every time Minato looked at him. Zabuza was certain that "seasonal" work would involve torturing some sort of sinner, or perhaps cleaning a dungeon. Some activity that was both boring and simple. Instead the term "seasonal" meant "Whenever there was a huge battle in the world and thousands of people are dead and need to get situated into their eternal damnation." Looking over at the current group which included a random assortment of Konoha, Sound, and Sand nin, he grimaced when he looked at the red haired form of Tayuya. He had to call the others a random assortment because they just looked down and said nothing, their weak hearts in life unable to take the trip to hell, the only thing they would know now was suffering, mindless suffering. Tayuya on the other hand was quite lively. She kept complaining about missing Minato while saying random curse words.

Zabuza sighed as he continued on with the tour.

"To our right is the fabled Shinigami sleeping cambers, it is said that this is where he keeps his nineteen wheels of various pain, torture, and death when they are not in use. It is rumored that these wheels were created to-" Before he could continue Tayuya yawned very loudly.

"You're so fucking boring. Why can't we have a tour guide with a little bit of personality? A nice ass wouldn't hurt either." Zabuza began to twitch at the comment. What had he done to deserve such a fate?

**Flashback**

Zabuza's clothes were soaked with blood. His hair was soaked with blood. His blade had somehow ignored every single law of molecular matter law and had absorbed blood. Around him were the bodies of several of his fellow students and all of his teachers, each mangled and brutalized. Seeing something move in the corner of his eye, he threw his massive blade in that direction with as much force as possible.

The Mizukage caught the blade effortlessly, obviously not impressed.

Zabuza only grinned.

"I passed!" He said excitedly.

The Mizukage sighed at him.

"You do realize you only had to kill five of the forty students to pass right?"

"I was going for extra credit."

"And killing your four teachers?"

"I was going for _a lot_ of extra credit."

The Mizukage just sighed in defeat and handed him a headband.

**End Flashback**

_Oh right, that. _

**In a dark place, best left unknown…**

"Sasuke is not much of a brooder. Contrary to popular belief he did not brood all the time. Sometimes he was training, other times he was reflecting upon his life as best he could in a non-brooding manner. For you see Sasuke was not a purely one dimensional character who hated everything around him and was dimwitted enough to believe that he deserved everything just because of his name."

Looking up from this report on Orochimaru's new play toy, the Shinigami peered at the Uchiha boy and blinked. It sure looked like he was brooding. He had his hands folded in front of his face in a dark room and had an intense look of hatred on his face. The Shinigami wondered what had led a boy so young to such a violent path.

**Flashback**

Itachi was mulling over his mission to destroy the rest of his clan. He had no idea where to begin, frankly. He was dealing with one of the most powerful ninja clans to ever exist and they had him greatly outnumbered. Itachi was so deep in thought that he did not notice a book hovering above his head until it promptly landed on his head with a loud thump, knocking him out cold.

Upon waking up he winced at the massive headache he now had. Looking down he noticed the book that had done the damage, and it was a massive hard covered tome labeled "How to kill the Uchiha clan for geniuses: An advanced work on dismantling hundreds of trained ninja in five hours or less." Itachi's eyebrows rose far above his hairline. His mission was of the utmost secrecy, so who could have snuck this in. Further more, who could have gotten the drop on him so easily? Shrugging off the intense feeling of unease, he opened the book and began to read.

Outside the Shinigami sipped on some tea and waited for the slaughter.

**End Flashback**

The Shinigami tried to think of what went wrong in Sasuke's life, but continued to draw a blank. Alas, there were more pressing matters to attend to, such as torturing Orochimaru.

Walking past Sasuke into the next room he was met with an odd sight. Orochimaru was in yet another body; that was not very strange as he tended to change bodies every few years given how much torture his original body had been through.

**Flashback**

The Shinigami stuck another spiritual needle in Orochimaru's back, causing him to scream in pain and look around confused as there was nothing around to be causing this.

The Shinigami laughed as he did it again.

**End Flashback**

What was strange was that he was bowing before an altar of snakes. These were not menacing figurines of snakes or even ones that were alive. No, there was nothing remotely scary about this. They were plush toys. Orochimaru was worshipping soft snake plush toys in his secret base filled with thousands of skilled ninja.

Not for the first time the Shinigami pondered if he had perhaps gone too far with his nearly fifty year campaign to totally twist and warp Orochimaru's mind. Sure, the Sannin had long since become little more than a cruel hate filled person whose only way to satisfy his thirst for power was to not only gain it for himself, but take it away from all of his enemies. By this time just about everybody had been moved from "neutral" to "enemy for no reason other than you have power and I am a petty bastard."

The Shinigami nodded to himself, coming to the obvious conclusion. Sometimes you just had to take a step back and move in a different direction. This was going to do Orochimaru a world of good, and perhaps stop his life from spiraling out of control. Today, the Shinigami was a changed man! He would do well by Orochimaru, and to repent for being so mean to Orochimaru, he started the road to recovery.

He promptly lit the entire altar on fire, burning all of the plush toys in a glorious blaze of blue fire.

Orochimaru screamed in horror, watching as his altar burned to the ground. He tried a water jutsu but nothing could seem to quell the flames. But it was useless, the flames consumed all of his years of hard work.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Orochimaru broke down and began to sob.

The Shinigami tilted his head to the side.

_Perhaps I need some fine tuning on my skills in kindness. Bah! I tried my best, I can't be bothered farther if he is going to be a cry baby every time I do something nice for him, honestly…_

Kabuto rushed into the room shortly thereafter to hug Orochimaru, comforting him. The Shinigami now remembered why he usually left more promptly, those two were just _weird_ together.

_My work here is done, and even if it wasn't I am about to lose my lunch._

The Shinigami disappeared in the blink of an eye, off to fiddle around with other less creepy mortals.

**One Minute Later…**

A portal opened right in front of Orochimaru and out stepped Kami and Nick, who both looked upon the scene in front of them and shook their heads in exasperation. Nick turned to Kami to say something but lost his train of thought as he just stared at her.

Kami sighed, not for the first time rethinking her so called ingenious plan to be an ultra attractive woman just to please her cute little mortals. Rolling her eyes, she hit Nick on top of the head with a fist.

"Eyes. Face. Now." Nick rubbed his head as his eyes tilted towards Kami's face. He wasn't much ashamed of what he did but the mind numbing headache he was currently having served as enough of a deterrent to not ogle for the moment. Remembering what he had to say, he spoke.

"So what does this failure have to do with our revenge on the Death God? He looks pathetic enough as it is, and I am not in the business of actually helping people, especially massive failures." Kami smiled brightly at Nick, always amused that he could see the absolute worst in every single person he ever met, it was an endearing quality when all you were used to were people arguing for other people in a just and righteous way.

_Perhaps I am becoming a tad corrupt spending all that time around Shinigami-kun._

…

_But it feels so good!_

"You see Nick, this pale man in front of you is Orochimaru, one of the most sadistic and brutal ninja alive today. What is less known about him is the fact that the Shinigami has tortured him for years, mostly unchecked because everyone else laughed with him, rather than reprimand him. The Shinigami soon realized that if he were ever to meet up with Orochimaru, he would have to face the horror which he created, thus over the last several decades he has gone well out of his way to insure Orochimaru's all but immortality, so that they would never meet." Nick's eyes gleamed with understanding at Kami's tone of voice.

"So we are here to undo that work, then?" Kami beamed down at her smart little sidekick and pinched his cheek.

"Right you are Nick-san. I have made a special chemical just for undoing almost all of the Shinigami's work, rendering Orochimaru quite mortal. While he is still very powerful for a mortal, he will be just that: mortal." Kami took out a vial of orange liquid and poured it in a drink that Orochimaru had left unattended while he was busy crying over his poor plush snakes.

Nick smirked at this, he was sure that the Shinigami was in for much suffering whenever Orochimaru dropped dead. While he was very sad at the loss of his fox-girl, he had gained much amusement from this venture, and more was sure to be had before it was all over.

Kami motioned for Nick to follow her through another portal, and they exited, never seeing the Shinigami's eyes turn blood red in fury as he reappeared from his invisibility. He had sensed another presence and decided to hide and see.

"Oh, you will pay for this transgression, Kami-sama." The Shinigami did not laugh like usual. This time it was personal.

**Finally, in the white space…**

Zabuza had finally decided to come back to Minato after a few days of letting him cool off. He regretted it about two seconds after he entered the damnable white space. Minato had most of his cloths shredded and what could only be described as deep gashes all over his body. He was sweaty, panting, and looked really pissed off. Zabuza looked to the right to Minato to see Tsunade the fox-girl inside of a cage, frowning at Minato.

"I just wanted to play with you Blonde-sama!" Minato turned to the fox-girl with an incredulous look on his face.

"You were clawing me for a good ten minutes before I could pull you off of me! I would not call that playing!" The Fox-girl merely pouted.

Zabuza stood there silent as the night, his mouth open in shock. Minato's eyes turned to Zabuza.

"And what do you want?" Zabuza knew better than to say something smartass right here.

But he just couldn't resist.

"I'd like to see the tape of your epic fight with the fox-girl." Zabuza's smirk lasted about one second until Minato delivered a Rasangan to his skull.

Tsunade grimaced.

"That's going to leave a mark."

* * *

**A/N: **There you have it, another chapter, and the last pre-time jump for Naruto! No worries though, Minato will not be sitting idle for three years while Naruto trains, there are plans to unfold and people to judge.


	12. All Good Things

A/N I hate to break it to you guys, but I am no longer able to really feel the magic any more with these characters, especially the newly minted Minato. So enjoy the chapter, and make sure to read my ending A/N. I will say this though: This chapter is freaking huge compared to my previous ones. Like, far and away the biggest chapter I've ever written. Here is the plot twist: I have no idea how in the hell this grew so large, I just sat down when I was dead tired and rattled off thousands words like it was nothing. All but a thousand words of this chapter were done within a day's time. I have no idea if this chapter is that funny, I don't think so, but this is a very loose ends wrapping up type of chapter, as tempting as it was to break this up into two chapters, there is no stopping this train!

Also to the astute in my reading audience (I like to think that is all of you) you will notice Arashi has been killed for this newbie named Minato. Give him some time; he'll grow on you too! I just kept saying both names out loud a few days ago and Minato sounded better, so I went back and changed all of the Arashi to Minato, so there you go, up to date on the main character's name.

Also sorry if my chapter title seems weird, but I felt it was fitting.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Untitled**

Minato sat behind his desk, although he supposed it would be better characterized as his _former_ desk, as he stared up at the Shinigami with an incredulous look on his face. Of all the scenarios he had imagined, he could have never guessed this would happen. The Shinigami stood in front of him, just having said that he was fired.

"This is a joke, right? Everyone knows how obsessive you are with me; you would never freely fire me, what's the catch?" Minato's eyes looked directly into the Shinigami's not even flinching. It was truly a measure of the man that Minato was that he could withstand such a twisted vision. The Shinigami did not budge.

"Minato, it is my great fondness of you that has stayed my hand for this long; however your sloppiness has done too much harm. I admit it is partially my fault, I allowed you to do as you pleased. I should have put an end to this mess when you did not do the proper thing with Zabuza, and send him to his eternal hell. Luckily for you, I have deemed it fit to take care of that particular matter already." A cruel smirk touched the Shinigami's face as the implication quickly donned on Minato. It happened so fast even the Shinigami was caught off guard. The desk between himself and the Yondaime had been flipped up by Minato and the blonde had streaked through the space like lightning. Bringing his right hand up, he unleashed a heavy blow at the Shinigami's head.

This was caught effortlessly by the menacing God. He looked down at Minato without pity.

"I have truly gone soft when a mortal thinks to strike out at me. Goodbye, Minato-kun." With that the Shinigami grasped Minato's hand harder and his entire body starting to disintegrate. Minato's eyes became panicked as he locked eyes with the Shinigami one last time, looking into the smiling face of the Shinigami before his entire body disappeared into nothingness.

The Shinigami wasted no time putting the desk upright again and taking a seat behind it. Looking over the paperwork he sighed.

"There is always a downside to brilliant ideas, now I have no one to dump all this crap on." Just as the words had left his mouth, Assistant-sama appeared through a portal with a huge stack of paperwork. She dumped it on the desk and looked around, apparently looking for Minato.

"Where did that sexy- er… where did that stupid blonde go?" Assistant-sama looked around again, very confused.

"I destroyed him for insubordination. Speaking of, I don't really feel up for doing this menial work, so I have decided that you are his replacement. Congratulations on the promotion." With that the Shinigami vanished from sight, leaving her fuming.

"Wait… he said a promotion. Does that mean Minato used to be my boss? Argh!!" Her inhuman scream covered up the soft footsteps that rang behind her, and the scary woman never saw the person club her from behind, and deciding to take the job for herself.

**Meanwhile…**

The Shinigami was walking along, pondering what to do next now that Minato-kun had been properly deposed. The first step it turned out was to avoid Minato's lovely wife that had just rounded the corner and whose normally kind eyes were narrowed in contained fury as her sight came upon the Death God.

"Ah, Sakura-san, imagine running into you here. What may I do for you today?" The Shinigami was all business as the woman stopped inches from his face with a scowl that could scare death itself.

And it kind of did.

"The name is Kushina to you, Shinigami. I had a terrible feeling and suddenly I cannot sense my husband anymore. What have you done you no good bastard?" Her fists were clenching at her side and her eyes smoldered in fury. The Shinigami was unable to feel positive emotion - it went against the job description. However, at that moment he could see what Minato saw in her. Passion, loyalty, resolve, all traits Minato himself had.

"Very well Kushina-chan, let's take a walk." With that said, the Shinigami turned on his heel and began to walk away, leaving Kushina little choice but to follow.

**In Places Unknown…**

Minato screamed in agony as his body slowly came back together once more, piece by piece. It was as if his entire body was being glued back together, and he could feel the sensation on some basic level, and it like hurt like hell.

"There there Minato-kun, it is all over now. You can stop screaming." Minato panted as he looked up and saw the visage of a very attractive young woman. He stopped panting and sighed, thankful to be back together again. However that thanks did not dull his senses.

"What am I doing here? The last thing I remember the Shinigami had me out for the count." At this the young woman laughed.

"Silly Minato-kun, I am Kami, and I have use for you, so of course you get to stick around for a little while longer." At this Kami's eyes crinkled and her face broke out into a grin, clearly quite pleased about the whole situation.

"You know, the last woman who said they had use for me ended up marrying me, so this sounds promising!" Minato scratched the back of his head and grinned himself. Kami's eyes narrowed, however, sensing something off about this situation. Dismissing it, she continued.

"Anyway Minato-kun, I have recently become aware of the fact that the Shinigami is no longer pleased with your work and deemed it fit to fire you, and I was wondering if you would like to get help me bring him to justice. As you are no doubt aware, the Shinigami over his long and storied tenure has created many crimes against humanity, and I feel it is time that he properly answers for his crimes by stripping him of his God-hood and appointing a new God of Death in his place. All we need to do is trap him in a sealing box and he will be done for. The only down side to this is that only a human who is an expert on the sealing arts can even hope to create this seal, as it was designed to protect mortals, not to be used in petty wars against Gods. It is a last result, but alas, it seems there is no other way." Minato blinked stupidly at Kami, apparently not catching on to a thing the goddess before him had just said.

Kami tried again.

"You are going to seal the Shinigami into a box."

Oooooh.

This time Minato nodded his head confidently and smirked.

"It is the least I could do after that bastard tried to snuff out my existence. After this it should be quite clear that no one makes a fool out of the Yondaime Hokage of Konoha." Kami merely smiled at him as she started to explain how the sealed functioned.

**In Hell**

Zabuza stared forward, the chains that kept him shackled tightly in place. For you see, the Shinigami had never particularly liked Zabuza and after the Death God saw it fit to release Minato of his contract, Zabuza's fate was already sealed. However a man of Zabuza's training had little trouble withstanding the oppressive heat of hell, and the torture was almost laughable. Honestly, what kind of cretins bothered using whips and chains still? Torture had been refined so much since the old days.

**Flashback**

The Mizukage sat in front of Zabuza, wondering what to do with the young man. One of the seven swordsmen of the mist, his training and skill were unrivaled, however the man was a bit more of a loose cannon than even the loose cannon was prepared to deal with. Nothing seemed to deter him, threats of death only made the lust for battle in his eyes increase. Physical torture made him roll his eyes, nothing seemed to work!

However one did not rise to become the Mizukage in the bloody mist (among other things that this Mizukage could put on a potential resume, for that matter…) without knowing how to deal with other people, and dealing with their weaknesses.

"Zabuza, you have recently gone a bit rogue on me. While you have dealt with all of your missions admirably, your extra curricular work on the other hand leaves something to be desired. You cannot simply murder anyone you wish because of your bloodlust, I will not stand for it." The Mizukage's soulless black eyes stared down Zabuza's maddened ones with all the confidence afforded the leader of a village.

Zabuza scoffed.

"What could you possibly do to me?" Zabuza was confident until he saw the Mizukage actually smile. This man had not smiled in the twenty years that Zabuza had seen him around. He got married, he didn't smile. He had a daughter, he didn't smile. He hit a half court jump shot in front of the troops and even then among many paparazzi he didn't manage to break even the tiniest amount of smiles as his countrymen that went into battle for him cheered him. There was a running bet when he would smile, which Kisame just won.

**Speaking of, with Kisame… **

"So then you take the razor wire, wrap it around a bed, and cover the bed up. You wait for the person to go to sleep and use the explosive tag to set off the machine which rips the razor wire from the bed, now if you knot it right it will peel the skin off and cause them to die a slow, agonizing, and torturous death. Boy was frank from accounting surprised about his demise." Kisame finished and looked over at Itachi expectedly only to have him be asleep.

"Why do they always fall asleep just before the seven thousandth way to kill a person with thin razor wire, these guys need to learn the fine art of detail." Kisame shook his head and went back to finding good deals on various imported razor wire from EBay.

**Back with Mizukage and Zabuza…**

With that entire preamble, there had very well been a very good reason why the Mizukage was smiling, and in a major plot twist, there was in fact a reason for this smiling.

The Mizukage had finally come up with a fool proof idea to keep Zabuza in line.

"Well you see Zabuza-kun, it is really very simple. If you ever step out of line again I am going to make you escort a clone of mine around in a major city, except this clone is going to be henged and will behave like a little girl. She will want ice cream, she will want clothes. She will want all the love and attention that a little girl wants from her father figure. She won't be friendly, or polite, and she will make a lot of noise. Worst of all, she wouldn't be able to be killed because I'd just create another, and another. If you don't treat this clone right, you'd just have to repeat your fabulous shopping spree with my little inner girl until you can get it right. So I ask you Zabuza-kun, do you really want to test the twisted regions of my broken and murderous mind, or are you going to shape up and be a good little swordsman before I make you wish that you had shoved your oversized compensating sword into your stomach years ago just to end it all. Once again, entirely up to you, just throwing this out there." The smile on his face and the polite tone in his voice had never left the Mizukage all throughout his rather lengthy speech. Zabuza just stood, shocked beyond imagination about the possible scenario.

Is it any wonder he tried to kill this guy?

**End Flashback**

Luckily, the Mizukage wasn't dead yet so Zabuza didn't have to match murderous wits with that monster quite yet, for if there was anyone who knew how to torture, it was surely that man. Zabuza had been so absorbed by his thoughts that he did not notice the short and disgusting whelp of a man in front of him.

"Hello Zabuza-san, we meet again." Zabuza's head tilted up and his eyes became cold as he looked upon Gatou, a small man in both stature and worth. He was surprised that the small man was up and about after the stories about how pissed off Minato had gotten at him. Yet here the pathetic excuse of a man was, standing in front of him, looking in better shape than Zabuza did at the moment.

"Surprised to see me? Did you truly believe that your stupid fool of a shinobi holds any influence in the furthest reaches of hell? I think not. Even these monsters can appreciate the mindset I have. Mindless killing machines like you and that so called "Yellow Flash" don't have what it takes to measure up with a man like me." At this he sneered. "To think, I had to feign fright of such a man in his presence, how unsightly. However, as soon as I put my foot down this morning they released me like it was nothing, and to think that hell is supposed to be a punishment, hah!" By the end of Gatou's self-important rant Zabuza's eyes had gone to behind the man where a tall man has his head bent over, shading his face completely in a most intimidating manner.

"Oh?" Was all the man said before he wrapped an arm around Gatou's shoulders. Gatou turned to the man to see his wicked grin on his usual boyish face and his blonde hair no longer covering his eyes. Gatou was staring directly in the face of a really angry Minato Namikaze.

He proceeded to piss his pants.

Minato looked down at the sight and sighed with disgust. He would have thought that the man would have had the decency to accept his punishment with a bit of shame and stop his ways, but it seems even in hell he was determined to continue his nonsense. Although Minato couldn't claim to be totally surprised…

"Hey John, thanks for letting this guy go so I could have a friendly word with him, I'd suggest you do something more severe, his evil spirit hasn't been broken nearly enough." That said, he haphazardly punted the small man over to John the guard, who merely nodded and left.

Minato swiftly broke the chains binding Zabuza and offered him a hand up off the ground, which Zabuza gladly accepted.

"I bet you didn't think you were going to see me anytime soon, huh?" Zabuza looked Minato in the eye and caught the hidden message. Zabuza merely nodded at both the obvious question posed as well as the other.

"It would seem we cannot be separated so easily, you golden menace." At this Minato scratched the back of his head and grinned very widely, oddly pleased to be back in the company with a man who many were terrified just of the name, much less being in the presence of the actual demon of the mist.

Then again, it wasn't as if Minato inspired any less fear in certain parts of the shinobi world…

**In Iwa…**

It was once again October tenth in Iwa, which for years now had been a day of celebration. Little children dressed up on costumes and the adults, civilians and ninja alike, usually handed out candy or went to dress up parties of their own. Before you admonish Iwa for giving out Halloween candy out three weeks early, this was not the case. No, this day was in honor of something much more important and close to home: This was the day that the 4th Hokage of Konoha, that damnable man named Minato Namikaze, had given his life to destroy the demon fox, Kyuubi, and protect his village. To the village's credit, or rather the old Tsuchikage's, the leader had given a speech the day this happened actually honoring the Hokage, stating that although they were sworn enemies, he had the utmost respect for this shinobi, any shinobi, who could face down the most vile of creatures and single handedly defeat it, no matter the cost. They had had a toast that evening to the man. However, two years later when the Tsuchikage stepped down and his son took over, a new, less kind, policy towards the day was announced. Due to the bitterness that the new Kage still felt over the dozens upon dozens of terrible losses he personally suffered due to the Yondaime, he wanted his day of death to be celebrated and laughed about, leaving no honor for the better man.

So imagine Halloween, but in celebration of Minato's death.

A young boy found himself knocking on the door of a shinobi. The shinobi opened the day and took only a half glance at the small boy before a kunai was in his hand and then promptly in the boy's neck. Rock nins on patrol nearby came by and were about to question the man for his actions when he saw that the small boy was wearing a Yondaime mask and a little cloak. Nodding in understanding they picked up the boy and threw him in the pile with the rest.

This year set an all time low for "kids who stupidly chose to use a Yondaime costume being terrible disfigured and murdered." It was down to ninety-four, a very positive sign, with the day almost over, down from one hundred last year. Kids sure do learn fast not to knock on doors of traumatized shinobi wearing the mask of a person who took away all of their friends, comrades, and dreams!

Meanwhile, in a shinobi training session…

"Now men, let us review the most important part of being an Iwa ninja: Being aware that if you see Minato Namikaze, you run right away and you do not engage. If you choose to disobey this order, your life is forfeit. Any questions men?" A genin, no older than ten, raised his hand nervously. The jounin instructor snorted at the sign of weakness. No matter, it would be stamped out of him within a month or he'd be dead, weakness was not tolerated in Iwa.

Unless of course you were facing the man named The Yellow Flash, then you showed weakness, a white flag, and ran the holy hell out of dodge.

But that's kind of the exception that proves the rule, if you get what is being conveyed.

"What is it, boy?" The jounin looked at him squarely, still unimpressed.

"Sir not to correct or anything, but the man you just named has been dead for over a decade now, I do not believe such an order is really required anymore." Oh yeah, the jounin really didn't like this new recruit. All of the surrounding ninja started to shift steadily drift away from the genin who had spoken.

"Really now? For someone who wasn't even alive during the last Great War, you sure waste no time stating your opinion on military strategy." At this admonishment, the genin actually grew emboldened.

"I didn't give an opinion sir, merely stated that Minato Kamikaze has been confirmed KIA and is no longer a threat to anyone." The Jounin nodded and then asked a question.

"Then why is that ghost behind you look like it is about to kill you?" The genin whipped around to see the yellow flash behind him with evil intentions in his eyes and horns on his head. He flashed through hundreds of signs in the speed of light and shouted his attack.

"LIGHTING FLASH ATTACK HAX JUTSU!" with this he charged forward delivering a punch to… air. The poor genin had died of fright the moment he saw the henged Chuunin, and had taken a few moments to collapse to the ground. The Chuunin broke the henge and gave a quick bow to the jounin before taking his leave.

The jounin simply snorted.

"Congratulations to those not dead, you have passed the test, you are now real genin and ready to enter the world of shinobi. Remember though, even if today was a stunt, someday you may have to face the real ghost of the Yondaime Hokage, be vigilant for that day." The shinobi nodded solemnly.

**Back with Minato and Zabuza**

Zabuza looked at Minato and sighed with no small amount of relief. "I was worried that I was never going to get you see you again, Minato-sama. Thanks for the hand." With that he gave a very tight bow and teleported away, leaving Minato a tad speechless.

_Minato-sama? What was that about, he is always disrespecting me, tch, what a good bluffer that guy is._

Minato stepped out of Zabuza's cell and decided to go through another doorway to visit another friend of his. Flashing through his hand seals, a door appeared in front of him, which he promptly opened and stepped through.

What greeted him was a scene out of one of Jiraiya's books. All around him were several bathhouses with gorgeous women relaxing in all of them. Taking a glance to his left he spotted who he wanted to talk to.

"Sarutobi-sensei, you really need to curb your perverted nature!" Minato spoke far too loudly and all of the women screamed in outrage and left poor Sarutobi all alone with his successor. He slapped the young man upside the head for his interruption.

"Gee that's no way to treat the guy who extended your life by about a good twelve years, show some respect to the best, gramps!" At this the Sandaime chuckled and took out his pipe and lit it, all the while gazing at Minato.

"You seem troubled, very troubled in fact. What is wrong, Minato-kun?" Sarutobi's words were kind and gentle, but still carried the same no-nonsense air about them that they had in life as well. Minato swore to himself, wishing he wasn't so easy to read.

"I am about to get into a fight I don't know if I can escape. The fate of my very soul and all of its existence is at stake. I was willing to give it up that night to protect our village, but I don't know if I want put it at stake here. I have been reassured multiple times that the plan cannot go wrong, but I am still nervous. I am not ready to go again so soon." Sarutobi took a drag from his pipe and dispensed some sage advice.

"Stop posturing, Minato-kun, it is not flattering. What you just told me is your mind's rational thoughts going into this situation. What is within reason. But my old friend, you have never been one to be within reason. Your mind is sharp and brilliant, but it is not what got you where you've always been. It is your heart, your will of fire to defy so many odds to the point where the odds stopped bothering showing up. I don't know much about what you are walking into, but I highly doubt you are outmatched. So please, just suck it up and do what you do best: raise hell." Minato grinned at the old Hokage and slapped him on the back.

"Thanks old man, I knew coming to you was the right move. The Professor strikes again!" With that said, Minato body flickered away, leaving the Sandaime alone.

"I wonder how I always get away with that type of generic bullshit without anyone ever calling me on it. Oh well, if it works, it works." With that said he went back to trying to find a good spot to continue to peep on women.

**With Orochimaru**

The Snake Sannin flexed the left arm of his new body, feeling better than he had in years – three years, to be exact. He had been highly annoyed that it had taken too long to bring Sasuke over to their side that he had to switch his body mere days before the boy had arrived at his doorstep. No matter, it gave him time to train his new body to become stronger than even that bastard Itachi. If he could not have his body, he'd take his little brother instead and kill him with his own flesh and blood.

**Flashback**

"Itachi, your body will be mine!" Orochimaru leaped towards Itachi, using his body switching technique only to be met with the harsh eyes of the sharingan, and suddenly Orochimaru was trapped in his own mind, where Itachi stood in front of him, his eyes impassive and cold.

"That was quite foolish, Orochimaru-san." Orochimaru was shocked that he was so easily caught in a genjutsu, even by the sharingan. Truly those eyes were incomparable.

"You will be trapped here for seventy-two hours in your mind, whilst only a blink of an eye will pass in the living world. I suspect this will be the last time that we cross paths for many years, if ever again, so let's make it a memorable experience." Itachi proceeded to pull out a small snake toy which oddly resembled the snake summon Manda.

Itachi coughed a bit and cleared his throat. He then began to speak in a high, screeching voice.

"Hello, my name is Manda and I am a big loser, and to atone for all of the crappy things I've done with Orochimaru I will kill myself now." Itachi proceeded to have the plush toy take a swan dive from his hand to a pit of black fire.

The scene repeated itself thousands upon thousands of time, and after it was over Orochimaru quickly fled the presence of Itachi, well aware of the fact that he could not hope to face a man who would harm his Manda-chan in such a horrible fashion.

**End Flashback**

Orochimaru turned around away from the mirror, trying to forget about his bitter past for the moment. While being obsessively evil and bent on revenge was all well and good, it was pointless to think about his fellow missing nin until he had Sasuke's strong, handsome body all to himself.

Oh the things he would do once that body was his…

_mmm… boy flesh…_

Pondering his sadistic and all so sick thoughts, Orochimaru failed to watch where he was going and tripped. Looking both ways to make sure no one had seen this little incident, he picked himself up off the ground, dusted himself off, and went about his business.

In a darkened corner the Shinigami frowned furiously. Casting a glance at the highly priced "Tripping wheel: twenty different ways to trip up your enemies!" he kicked it over, deciding that this has been a huge waste of money and caused little to no harm to Orochimaru.

Little did the Shinigami know that this fateful accident caused a minor tear in a heart wall of Orochimaru's new host body, which normally would not matter except if Orochimaru was put to either near chakra exhaustion or near death. But neither could possibly happen, right?

… _Right?_

Feeling frustrated at the wheel's apparent failure, the Shinigami teleported away only to go into the clutches of Kami herself.

**In Kami's bed chambers…**

The Shinigami looked around, knowing full well this was not where he had intended to go when he had left Orochimaru's secret base. Tilting his head to the side he realized that he was in Kami's bed chambers, and started to get very suspicious.

_So this is how it is all going to go down? Does she truly believe she can strip me of my power on the merits? Death is a terrible thing, as I have always argued, she has no basis for any of her attacks and they will all be dismissed, as usual. _

… _Hope they didn't find my collection of Orochimaru torture tapes, just to be sure._

Hearing a noise from behind him he spun around and saw three people. The first was Kami-sama in all of her attractive glory, although the way her eyes pierced through the Shinigami with contempt did not add to the attractive, reduced it quite a bit in fact. To her left stood Nick, his eyes showing an amount of boredom unrivaled throughout the entire underworld, his body giving nothing away of the slight anxiety he was currently feeling about the situation. His brown eyes glanced at the Shinigami, slight wonderment over finally meeting someone creepier than he was.

To her right stood a much more familiar figure, that of Minato Namikaze. His blonde hair spiky as ever, his face the very picture of seriousness, nothing in his features showed the slightest sign of amusement or joviality that usually accompanied his presence. The Shinigami looked directly at Minato and spoke to him.

"You are all business today Minato, you seem a tad hurt. How are the internal organs?" The Shinigami quirked an eyebrow – or would have if he had one that is – at Minato, who simply stared at him with lifeless eyes, those of a shinobi that had given many victims into the waiting arms of the so called man before him.

"I have nothing to say to you, Shinigami-san." At that Kami clapped her hands pleasantly.

"Well, now that the pleasantries are over, let us get to the matter at hand. As I am sure you realized the moment you came here, I have deemed it fit to activate a God suppression field, a one time favor from an old friend of mine who happened to have one lying around. You see Shinigami-kun, your time as Death has come to an end. You have meddled with human affairs for far too long. You will now experience the same fate as you have forced countless others to do: Being sealed in a very small, very cruel place." At this Minato helpfully held up the sealing box and waved it around in the air for a few moments.

The Shinigami looked directly into the eyes of Kami and… did something most unexpected. He chuckled, then he laughed, and his laugh soon became an uproar of hysterics as his eyes never left Kami's. Kami was put off by this and was about to speak before the Shinigami beat her to the punch.

"I am afraid your little trap has gone awry, my dear. Let me break down all of the things that you did wrong in springing this supposed trap. For starters, you believed your pathetic disguise as Kami would fool me, when in fact you never had me fooled at all. To think that the grand Kami would be so undignified as to have to resort to mortal human charms to get her means accomplished in any shape or form, you spit on the name of Kami and that is something I am afraid I cannot allow. You are nothing more than a sorceress who got her hands on a piece of Kami's clothing and sew her magic. I find myself astonishingly unimpressed." The Shinigami grinned down at the now exposed sorceress, her eyes blazing with blue fury.

"Minato-kun, please be so kind to put this liar in his place." The sorceress looked at Minato expectedly, only to have the Shinigami chuckle at her yet again.

"You truly do not get it do you?" He left the question open ended as the woman's eyes widened in realization.

_Minato was never fired from the service of the Shinigami… all this time, all of the theatrics, it had been… a trap!?_

"Nick, quickly, get the sealing box from him!" Nick quickly moved to engage Minato but was quickly stopped by a golden blur as he looked into the dead eyes of a trained killer. The killing intent oozing from the Hokage's eyes were enough to freeze Nick to the ground, his brown eyes crying from the pressure his body was being asked to suffer through just by being in the presence of the former Hokage.

"See Minato-kun, I told you this would work out well." The Yondaime whipped his head around at the Shinigami, clearly not pleased.

"We have a sorceress who is power enough to catch Kami herself by surprise, I don't think we have time to celebrate yet, help me out here!" The Shinigami rolled his eyes at Minato, so serious as always.

"My powers are drained, remember? Looks like you finally get a chance to show your stuff, have fun!" Minato sighed and looked back at a pissed off sorceress who had just fired a fireball aimed straight at his head.

_Oh crap!_

Minato body flickered away instantly to the other side of the room, where a bolt of ice promptly met him. This game continued for some time until Minato got right up on her and kicked her in the stomach, forcing her down onto her knees. She looked up into his eyes.

"Why do you oppose me, you know the things that man has done? I should get to decide! I am far fairer; sometimes lying is needed to get the just end!" Minato looked down upon her with no pity in his eyes.

"Your talents lie only in deception and evil. I have read your file of what you were like when you were amongst the living, and your doe eyed statements do not gain you any favor with me. You murdered children, razed helpless villages, and tore asunder hope and courage wherever you pleased. You cannot fool me, Maleficent, nor did you ever. I know of your ilk. I was taught long ago by many wise men that those who cherish power only for greed and self-gain must never possess it." Minato's eyes flashed golden and the sorceress felt pure fear run down her spine for the first time in a very long time. Feeling trapped; however, she did the only thing left for her to do: Brute force.

Opening her mouth, she shot fire out of her mouth, as hot as lava. Her plan was for the sudden attack to catch Minato off guard. She had an evil gleam in her eye as the fire consumed Minato; she sniffed the air expecting to smell the sweet aroma of charred flesh.

Someone should have told her you don't catch the strongest ninja of all time off guard.

Minato held his hand over his face, guarding it against the untamed fire, in his hand was the rasengan, his signature move. He pressed forward, the fire wilting away from the ball of intensely moving chakra, as if the fire itself knew better than to seek conflict with it. The sorceress' eyes widened in panic as the Rasengan had traced the fire all the way back to her mouth. Minato made eye contact with her one more time.

"Perish." With that one word he stuck his arm, along with the rasengan, all the way down her throat and closed his eyes, only hearing the sound of chakra destroying the husk of a woman's soul from the inside out, until nothing was left of her but dust.

The Shinigami looked at his charge with the utmost pride. Minato didn't know it, but he had just torn a soul from the afterlife, a technique supposedly only available to the various Gods that roamed.

_I chose my successor wisely, I see._

**Flashback**

The Shinigami sat in front of Minato with a smile on his face.

"You are clever, Minato. When did you figure out that the Kami that has been running around the past few weeks was not who she said she was?" The Shinigami reached over and ruffled Minato's hair in fondness. Minato sent him a death glare, which naturally did little to faze the Death God.

"I just did, I don't know how, but looking into it more I noticed that there was someone missing from dimension ninety-nine so I decided to check into it, it all fits. Along with subtle behavior difference, it all adds up perfectly. But I don't know how we are going to confront and trap her, Kami herself has many powerful allies and they have all been fooled." At this the Shinigami brightened up, clearly having thought of this already.

"Simple, Minato. We are going to dissolve your very existence!" Minato's eyes bulged and proceeded to flip out.

"Relax Minato-kun, it is all part of the plan. She obviously has a vendetta against me, and wants to see me out of the way, so we use that to our advantage. We stage a messy breakup between you and I and that will lure her out. She will then divulge to you all her of her evil plans like any stereotypical does, and then we shall trap her the moment she springs what she believes to be her final and ultimate trap. Sound like a plan?"

"No, not really…"

"Minato, you are fired."

Minato sat behind his desk, although he supposed…

**End Flashback**

Minato climbed back to his feet and checked around until he found what he was looking for: The suppression device used to keep the Shinigami at bay. Punching it square, he broke it in one blow, causing the Shinigami to laugh evilly in the background.

_Maybe I should have used this as a bargaining tool before I decided to break it, oh well…_

The Shinigami rose to his full height and let the sickening power he usually tried to keep in check roll across all of the after life, even in the deepest levels of hell the tormented shuddered at the additional pressure on their souls at the display of raw power that the Shinigami saw fit to unleash upon them.

"Excellent work Minato-kun, once again you prove I was right not to eat you that faithful day. I hate to destroy my enemies and run, but I must deal with Nick-kun over here and his traitorous actions. Please resume work as soon as possible; I am sure there are people just dying to meet you." Minato rolled his eyes.

_Does he seriously think that joke was funny?_

Thinking better of challenging the Shinigami's stupid humor in his current state of exhaustion, he simply used his body flicker and returned to the white space.

**Back in the Damnable White Space… **

Minato had just been through a terrible fight with the fate of all of the afterlife at stake and he could not help but feel a terrible dread coming on.

Tsunade the fox-girl was sitting at his desk judging people.

_You've got to be kidding me_.

Minato crept closer to the fox-girl and listened in on her conversation with what could be described as a very shady looking man.

"Well let's see, you've raped and murdered thirteen children and made four of the mothers watch as you did it before slowly torturing them to death, feeding them the digits of their own children. You are known throughout the world as one of the most evil men to ever exist and the day when a random Iwa genin managed to overpower you and stab a kunai through your heart much celebration took place. But you say you are really sorry, right?" At this the man nodded with the most bullshit sincere smile Minato had ever seen.

"Okay then, all of your crimes and forgiven then, have a nice day, Serial Killer-san!" Tsunade bounced up and down, her tail twirling behind her as her perky voice and her bright smile lit up the white space.

_WHAT THE HELL! _Was all that Minato could think at the moment.

As the man was about to go to a place he certainly didn't belong, Minato clutched his arm and dragged him off to the side, sending him to a random torture chamber until he could properly rip him to shreds over his various heinous crimes.

Turning back around to the fox-girl and sighed, completely at a loss.

"Tsunade-chan, why did you think it was a good idea to judge in my absence? This is a very serious job that should not be in the hands of amateurs. You almost sent a very bad man to a place where pure souls reside, you cannot do that." At this the fox-girl pouted her red lips and looked up at Minato pathetically, clear that she was very, very sorry. Minato signed, knowing he didn't have the have the heart to be too harsh on her.

"Don't give me that look, I am sure no lasting harm was done, all is forgiven." At hearing that she was forgiven, the fox-girl's face exploded into a smile and she jumped over the desk in a most excited manner and attached herself firmly to Minato's chest, hugging him dearly.

_Not to ever be accused of being a pervert, but she really is perky today…_

A small cough was heard from the opposite end of the space and Minato turned around to see a young teenager with red hair and green eyes stare back at him, almost lifelessly. Tsunade knew when play time was over and silently crawled away to allow Minato to take care of matters.

"Hello, I suppose you have an appointment?" Minato's attempt at a joke failed as the young man tilted his head to the side, clearly not understanding what he meant.

"Am I truly dead?" The young man asked, his voice quivered so slightly only a ninja of Minato's caliber could have caught it.

"Yes, you are." Minato's voice was soft, trying not to upset the boy anymore. The boy, instead of getting more upset, merely laughed as tears streamed down his face.

"Naruto is going to be pissed." At the sudden mention of his son's name Minato slipped from where he had been leaning on his desk and landed on his floor with a resounding thud.

After three years of fighting various evils and low death numbers, it seems business was once again picking back up in Minato's life.

If only he knew the half of it.

* * *

**A/N: **I suppose most have figured it out by now, but I told a little lie in my opening, this fanfic marches on with the will of fire, the springs of youth, and all of that other nonsense. I just wanted to throw a little realism into Minato being fired by the Shinigami, and throwing intrigue into the mix for once. I have no idea what insanity has lead me to write this chapter, but here it is. Chapter 12 from me, I hope you guys enjoy it. Review it, read it, and hopefully enjoy it. Not in that order, of course, that'd just be weird.

As always my loyal and dedicated readers, if you have any problems or suggestions, give me a line, I have made two chapters solely based off reader feedback, I am not afraid to make a third!

See you around the corner guys.

Chris


	13. Medical Leave

**A/N: **I decided, as always, to throw a big plot twist to you, my readers, once again. The plot twist? I am updating the very next day since my last chapter! What madness is this you ask? Well I am feeling the plot, I am feeling the funny, and I am ready to ROCK AND ROLL. I figured hey, my last chapter is at a little under 500 views, which means not many people have had a chance to see this fanfic updated. So you know what? TWO FOR ONE SPECIAL BABY, SIR CHRIS DELIVERS THE GOODS. Yes, I am well aware after making you guys wait several months between most updates I should just shut up and update nice and quietly like this all the time, but I am too insane to do that.

This chapter is dedicated to LuvDaAlchemist, whom I almost killed with my update yesterday. Here's hoping I finish the job today!

…

Wait that came out wrong.

Anyway, enjoy the chapter guys.

**VERY IMPORTANT POLL, PLEASE REVIEW AND ANSWER: I have began to write Chapter 14, and I notice that the upcoming chapters are going to be very dark and lacking humor when it comes to Minato, given that Akatsuki is no laughing matter to him. Do you think I should post a different story to cover the members of Akatsuki, not a sequel as it wouldn't have every death, just the members of Akatsuki. Or do you guys think you can be OK with a few chapters lacking humor (for the most part) in favor of Minato going badass Rock War murderer on Akatsuki's tainted souls? Very Important, I don't usually do this, but it is really troubling me, so have at it, damnit. **

* * *

**Chapter 13: Medical Leave**

Gaara wiped away the tears, determined to be strong. He knew he had done nothing incorrect, analyzing his fight with the missing nin from Akatsuki. He has protected his village first, which had left a small opening to be exploited, unfortunate as it was, Gaara knew better than most that all things wither and die, most of all people. He glanced down at the man who had just taken a fall to the ground for unknown reasons. Deciding to exercise his newfound social skills, he spoke up.

"Can you get up?" The question was simple enough, but it had seemed to slightly offend the blonde man as he flipped up from his back and landed gracefully on his feet. He looked over the red head with an appraising eye before beckoning him to take the seat in front of the desk as he took his much more comfortable looking seat on the other side. Gaara saw no harm in the invitation and sat down.

Minato prided himself on being a keen observer of every detail; it has saved his life as well as his comrades' lives on many missions, where Minato picked up on subtle details which even much more veteran ninja would overlook. Just by looking at the young man before him he could tell that he a Kage of a major village, the regal air of power surrounding him glowed in the white space.

… Then again, it just could have been the fact that there was a Kage hat lying on the floor a few feet where the man had entered. Either way, Minato mentally patted himself on the back for the keen observational skills he possessed.

"You are Atrox's son, Gaara, are you not?" Gaara quirked an eyebrow at the observation, but nodded silently, admitting to the relationship.

See, Minato does have observational skills! Score!

Minato looked around his desk for a moment, clearly looking for something. His brow furrowed for a moment before he tilted his head to the side looking at Gaara. Finally he gave a slight shrug of his shoulders and seemingly gave up his search.

"Well I've got to admit Gaara this is a little awkward because I don't have a file on you. Usually I get to sound all cool and all knowing about a person once they appear in this stupid white space, but it would appear I have to actually talk to you to obtain information about you. How scary." At this Minato winked at Gaara who looked unimpressed by the display. Sighing, Minato continued.

"Well, seeing as I have no file-" Before he continued Tsunade the fox-girl bounded forth running at a very fast pace, causing certain body parts to bounce rather obviously. Out of the corner of his eye Minato saw Gaara's head bobbing along at the same rhythm.

_Ah, to be young again._

"Well hello there cutie!" Tsunade smiled down at Gaara in a friendly manner and Gaara just nodded dumbly, openly staring at her. Tsunade blinked for a moment before turning to Minato.

"What's up with him?" Minato smirked.

"Obsession with fox-girls seems to run in the family. What have you got for me, Tsunade-chan?" Tsunade smiled happily as she handed Minato a huge file labeled "Gaara for Dummies: a complete work on the life of the latest Kazekage.

_The Shinigami thinks he is witty, doesn't he…_

Thanking and dismissing the fox-girl, Tsunade turned and promptly sat on Gaara's lap, causing the young man to stiffen.

You decide what I mean by that.

Minato wished he could say he was not amused, but the laughter exploding out of him would say otherwise. The poor kid didn't know what to do with the fox-girl.

"I like red-heads, will you be my friend?" The fox-girl squirmed in Gaara's lap, and if he wasn't already dead he was sure that this panic attack would kill him.

Minato almost felt bad enough for Gaara to stop the pseudo lap dance, but decided that the boy from Suna needed to relax a bit before they could talk, so he allowed Tsunade to continue to… warm up to him, as it were.

Looking over the file he began to read about the various misadventures of Gaara, the once container of the one tailed beast.

**Flashback**

Gaara sat all by himself on a park bench, hugging his teddy bear closely to himself. Today was a very special day all throughout the world, it was Valentine's Day. Today was a day where love was in the air and that people spent with their loved ones. However, for eight year old Gaara there was no one out there that loved him for him or for any right reason at all. He was only seen as a weapon by his father, and even his siblings, although they tried to love him, only feared him for his destructive power. Today however something would change that, a small act of kindness would forever change Gaara's outlook on life, if not for fate being a total douche. A little girl, right around Gaara's age, came up to him and handed him a flower. Dumbfounded by the random act of kindness, he asked why she had given him a flower.

"You looked very sad, no one should ever look as sad as you do. I hope you have a good day, mmk?" She gave him a lopsided smile and continued on her way. That is, until a chuunin shoved her into a back alley and with a lecherous grin on his face, rounded the corner and was soon followed by a few genin looking for an evil good time.

Gaara's face narrowed, his demon sensing what was about to transpire and therefore Gaara knew as well.

'_Mother, can we please stop them?'_ Gaara's "mother" was quick to respond.

'_**Well my child, there are two ways we could go about doing this. We can alert the proper jounin or above nin stationed around the city to have the men in the alley arrested and properly judged by Suna's Kage-nation leading criminal justice department.' **_This caused Gaara to blink in confusion.

'_Or…?'_ At this, mother grinned.

'_**We could go into the alley ourselves and go on a killing spree.'**_

Surprisingly, this was not as tough of a choice as one might have imagined for the small boy. He was, in fact, quite used to such decisions.

He always picked the same.

'_Killing spree.'_

'_**A wise choice, as always, Gaara…'**_

Gaara stepped into the alley and saw the poor girl half naked and trembling in fright, as the same chuunin who had pushed her into the alley was trying to take off the rest of her clothes. Gaara's eyes turned a shade darker than that they normally were and his chakra – as well as his considerable killing intent – rose to levels so high that even the chuunin, much less his genin goon squad, could do nothing but hold deathly still, trying not to fall down to their knees.

Sand slowly began to rise up from the ground and twirl, Gaara's mind unconsciously bringing it forth at his beck and call. The pure rage flowing through the little boy's mind was only enhanced by the bloodlust from Shukaku. Reaching out his hand he manipulated the sand to surround the chuunin, spinning around him rapidly. Luckily for the little genin squad they had found their brain somewhere and ran like hell the second the pressure of their bodies lessened, now focused on the tall chuunin.

At this point, Gaara had a crazed grin on his face, truly enjoying the feeling of panic that was racing through the chuunin. Oh, the chuunin knew he was screwed; he didn't bother with bravado or false hope. He was looking into the eyes of a maniac who contained a tailed beast within him, death was assured. Gaara looked him in the eyes for a moment, and if possible, the grin widened a fraction before his hand closed into a tight fist, causing all of the sand to collapse around the chuunin, blood leaked from the sand as it condensed more and more, crushing, even grinding, the former chuunin into bloody bits.

Seeing the scene, the girl screamed in horror.

"You freak! Get away from me! Please don't hurt me!" The little girl he was trying to save looked at him with such horror that it broke his heart into two.

So he killed her too.

What? That's just how Gaara rolls.

Boy was it awkward for the Kazekage to file these two deaths under accidents. The looks the counsel gave him when he pointed to an eighty pound metal bar that had supposedly dropped from a seven story building and mangled two bodies were quite memorable.

They didn't know who was more insane, the father, or the son.

**End Flashback**

Minato looked across the desk at Gaara and was grateful that Tsunade the fox-girl had decided to stop playing (Minato's wording, not mine.) with Gaara. The boy was blushing heavily and his face was turned away from Minato, clear signs of embarrassment on his part.

Letting Gaara collect himself some more, Minato flipped through several pages of terrible, more terrible, and finally "Jiraiya's taste in clothing" terrible.

**Flashback**

"Sensei, why are you wearing nothing but a vest and a pair of shorts."

"Haha, my apprentice, it seems you are unfamiliar with what women look for in a man. I am expressing my softer side by removing the armor of my outer shell allowing them to see the beauty of my bare skin!" Jiraiya grinned down on the young man whose eye twitched.

"All the better for my kunai to stab you with, ero-sensei!" With this the gifted chuunin threw a knife at Jiraiya causing him to scream like a little girl.

**End Flashback**

The Yondaime smiled fondly at the interesting memories he had of his teacher, despite all of said teacher's quirks. What he did not smile at, however, was what he was reading; it was basically a clinical analysis on how to torture a child. Assassination attempts only thwarted by the survival instincts of a demon; a childhood filled with deception and betrayal. Atrox had never seen his son as more than a weapon, one that he didn't even bother to keep sharpened. He threw Gaara in the trash, hoping dearly that one day he would wake up and the boy would just be gone, no longer threatening to his village.

_His_ village… The thought disgusted Minato. Irony of ironies being that despite such horrible abuse Gaara himself rose to become Kazekage, the shadow that watched over Suna, and he died because of his selflessness. Being a Kage was more than just being the strongest ninja of the village, more than just knowing a lot of jutsu. Some people simply didn't get it.

**Flashback**

Orochimaru was quite pleased with his application to be Hokage. He knew he had his weird quirks but his library of jutsu and his dedication on missions would certainly weight heavily in his favor, as well as being Sarutobi-sensei's prized student. He had just finished with page four-hundred and ninety-nine of the application and he knew so far his application was perfect in every regard. His strategies in times of both war and pace were well learned and perfected, his judgment unbiased and impartial, as a Kage's should be. Orochimaru knew that regardless of the last question, he was sure to be the successor. Flipping to the last page, Orochimaru read the question.

_Would you give your life to protect Konoha? Please answer honestly, we __will__ know._

Orochimaru gulped a bit, not liking the implication about the honesty. Checking the no box, since it _had_ asked him to be honest rather bluntly, he smiled and signed the application and turned it in to the Hokage's assistant.

_One question off, how much could it possibly matter, I am as good as Hokage!_

Orochimaru failed to notice that on the back was a chart showing the weights of the questions, with "the final question" carrying seventy percent of the total application.

The rest is history.

**End Flashback**

Of course, if Gaara had continued down the path that he had been on, he would have been nothing more than a mindless killer upon his death. As fate would have it, that bastard Orochimaru allowed Gaara to come into contact with perhaps the only person alive who could understand what Gaara had been through: Uzumaki Naruto.

_My son is building a name for himself in the world of shinobi, directly inspiring a Kazekage to forsake his love of only himself and completely put faith in the ways of another, which is what Naruto did the day that the old man died. I might be biased, but Hokage is certainly not out of my son's reach, what a pushy little guy…_

**Meanwhile, with Zabuza…**

Zabuza kicked Gatou again, causing the pathetic little man to groan in pain as he rolled around on the hot floor of his eternal home. Zabuza really had not taken too kindly to the house visit this guy had deemed fit to make when he was in the cell, an unwitting, at least at the time, part of Minato and the Shinigami's plan to trap the sorceress chick in her own game. It turned out that the guards down here had major respect for Minato, and as such were more than glad to do small, insignificant favors to, let's say, Minato's beloved and trusted assistant. So what if Zabuza added the words "beloved" and "trusted" to his story, close enough to the truth, right?

Zabuza landed a punch to Gatou's stomach, causing him to scream out.

"You know, I wish I could say this scene was about plot progression or any sense of development, but I just want to see you scream!" Zabuza grinned after his statement and started stabbing holes into Gatou with his kunai.

By the time Zabuza was done, the whole room was a bloody (literally) mess and the guards really didn't like cleaning it up. They found it in their hearts to forgiven Zabuza though when they saw the mess that stupid chump Gatou was in, and to top it off he had sewn his lips shut with thin razor wire, leaving him unable to talk.

**In parts unknown**

Kisame suddenly felt an extreme sense of pride come on, for no apparent reason. Looking around he didn't notice anything that could set off this emotion, so he shrugged off the good feeling as just the power of positive thinking and went back to knotting his loose thin razor wire up so it wouldn't get stuck to trees when he was traveling.

Itachi eyed his partner oddly while eating a stick of raspberry flavored pocky.

_I could kill him in over nine thousand different ways, and only six thousand of them involve thin razor wire. I __**will**_ _force him to teach me all of the remaining ways to do so if it is the last thing I do._

Itachi's sharingan spun, his true intentions finally known _!!_

**Back in the Damnable White Space… **

Gaara finally decided to speak up.

"I must admit, Hokage-sama, it was the look in Naruto's eyes that convinced me that I had been nothing but a weak minded fool. I thought Naruto was just some idiot playing at ninja, not understanding what it meant to be a killer, that his life must be extinguished just to sate my lust for blood, he really pissed me off, or rather, the one tailed tanuki inside of me. It became clear to me, however, when I saw the look in his eyes, as he crawled by his chin towards me. It was the look of a monster, and I do not speak of Kyuubi or Shukaku, but of a monster made of righteous fire, which would burn anyone who dared to touch his friends. It all made sense then, the jokes, the smiles, the goofiness, was all the mask of a well trained shinobi. He committed a giant fraud against anyone who had ever met him. So confused I was by his monstrous eyes, I left, and later I promised that I would gain those same insanely strong eyes, and use them the same way he did, because Naruto understood me, and he was my first friend because of that understanding." Gaara had long since gotten over his embarrassment at the hands of Tsunade the fox-girl and had been watching Minato read the page about his encounter with Naruto. His voice was slightly emotional and sad, but he had a smile on his face, as he was remembering the moment he broke free from his misery, and it was all thanks to that blonde brat who he couldn't help but have warm feelings of friendship towards.

Minato smiled at Gaara's passion towards Naruto, knowing what he meant.

"The will of fire is said to exist in every great Konoha shinobi, a loyal spirit that burns from deep within, the same spirit that makes people put their lives, their very existence on the line to protect what they hold dear to themselves. Although… How did you know I was a Hokage?" Gaara had to suppress the strong urge to roll his eyes at the man.

"I have been in Konoha several times your faced is carved into the side of a mountain, kind of hard to miss, Yondaime-sama." At the mocking tone Minato got a tick above his eyebrow.

"Just because you are dead and a Kage doesn't mean I won't reach across this desk and whoop your ass." He said this casually, with the biggest shit faced grin he could manage. Gaara got the point.

_Back off the greatest shinobi to have ever lived, got it._

Gaara made eye contact with Minato and asked the obvious question, now that the lap dance was over with.

"What now, Hokage-sama? I am dead, what do I do next." The Hokage before him hummed for a moment and tapped his desk with is finger, all the while flipping to the very last page of the folder that he had in front of him. Reading it over a couple of times to make sure he understood the wording and the context of what was within, he shut the folder and tossed it over his shoulder, where it promptly vanished into nothingness mid toss.

"Gaara, I judge souls. I will likely be doing this for the rest of my eternity. I file the paperwork, I make the decisions. I look over your life and deem where you get to spend the rest of your afterlife. Someplace, hot, someplace cold, someplace nice, someplace not so nice. It is all determined by the acts you have committed. Your folder is not only a file of what you have done, but also what never came to be and what may have been. At the crossroads of where you are at right now, there are two possibilities. You get to be judged and you are sent on your way. However it would appear that you and I are not going to get to chat nearly as much as I had thought." Minato had been looking over Gaara's shoulder ever since "however" escaped his lips. Gaara followed Minato's line of sight and saw two things: A door, and Chiyo.

"Chiyo-baa-sama?" Gaara's voice was soft and confused. Chiyo smiled at the young man, a look of pride on her face.

"Go back home, Gaara, you are no longer alone." With that said, the door opened and the outline of a figure extending his hand through the door could barely be seen. Spiky hair was seen through the door as Minato had to bury his face behind the desk not to openly cry.

"Naruto…?" Gaara's voice was not even a whisper as he walked through the door, taking the offered hand. As soon as he was through the door it disappeared from sight.

**Meanwhile, with the Shinigami…**

Nick had gambled, and had lost. Badly, terribly, horribly. He knew that he was screwed, very screwed. For the Shinigami had his patented "victory smirk" on, meaning that he had devised something evil enough befitting the crime of treason, and since treason usually carried with it something really nasty and on the whole not fun, Nick couldn't help but not look on the bright side. The Shinigami shoved Nick through a dimensional doorway and followed through.

Nick looked around and realized the surroundings were familiar, as they should be, he was here not so long ago, considering his advanced age. It was Orochimaru's base, where Orochimaru and his most trusted advisors lived and planned.

"You see Nick, I know what you have done to Orochimaru, I know that you and that silly pretender thought it would be amusing to undue half a century of my work in the blink in the eye, well let's just say you have managed to piss me off for what I am sure is going to be the last time." The Shinigami motioned Nick into the next room, where the sight that greeted them made Nick vomit instantly. Kabuto was lying half naked on Orochimaru's bare back massaging his shoulders in a most sensual manner. Nick's eyes were bulging at the terribleness of it all.

"Yes, not exactly something you'd see in the Lion King, is it?" At this Nick mysteriously cracked up laughing for a moment before he puked some more as he accidentally glanced at the picture in front of him once more.

"Your punishment is simple. I am going to force you to watch this. They usually have at it for around five hours , or so I hear from my weekly subscription to Yaoi Fangirl Weekly. What those girls won't talk about, I don't know. You don't have a choice in the matter either, if you choose to look away and attempt to escape your punishment, I will simply have it so that time is rewound and you must deal with this scene from the beginning. No matter how many times you attempt to get out of it, I never will allow it, and do you know why, Nick-chan?" Nick shook his head, still deathly disturbed by the scene in front of him.

The Shinigami bent down and whispered in his ear, "Death is too good for traitors like you, Nick-chan." He said it with all the deadly seriousness in the world, but when he popped back up he had a huge grin on his face. With his punishment handed out, he grinned and disappeared from view.

Nick would end up puking so much that what he ate for lunch six years before he contacted the Kyuubi managed to line the floor.

**Back with Minato and Chiyo**

Chiyo took the deserted seat left by Gaara and stared at the Yondaime Hokage, a figure she had learned to loathe over the years. He was insufferable when alive, inescapable in his death, his heroics were the stuff of legends in all of the great nations, and perhaps well beyond.

"You did a wonderful thing, Chiyo-san." Minato said this softly, his emotions almost getting the better of him. Chiyo smirked.

"Child's play compared to what you managed to do, Hokage-san." Minato had to concede the point, but didn't do so verbally.

"I have already opened several doors to locations fitting a war hero such as yourself, Chiyo-san, you may choose any of them. I have no need to sit down and talk to someone of your nature." Chiyo nodded but hesitated towards going a door.

"What of my grandson, Sasori?" Minato looked Chiyo directly in the eyes, and at that moment she dearly wished he hadn't. The white that surrounded her seemed to steadily darken, turning a deep shade of grey, and Chiyo had a pretty good idea the source of the darkness. Looking at the Hokage, gone was the humble and nice man she had seen talking to Gaara before. In his eyes she saw fury and cold, calculated contempt. The Yellow Flash of Konoha had his eyes set on his next victim.

"Sasori and I have much to discuss still, I am afraid."

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**A/N**: And there's chapter 13, which officially enters part two of the Manga. As I said several times, that little sound five/intermission between the two parts really through me for a loop, but as you can see, it is a lot easier for me to flow now and hopefully, no promises, swift updates are in order for awhile, although I don't want to get to a few deaths too quickly, as I have my concerns of how dead they actually are. I like to keep this fic mostly within canon, and having certain people not be dead and I write them as being dead is most awkward.

As always, read, review, suggestions are welcome and I love hearing from you guys.

See you later.

Chris


	14. The Legendary Shinobi

**A/N: **Three updates and three days, what in the hell is wrong with me. Well no matter how you slice it, I am rolling right along, doing it again with yet another update. After this chapter I don't have much of an idea of where I am going to proceed from here, so it is going to take me a few days at least, maybe a few months knowing me, to formulate a new chapter. Also I seriously don't want to catch up to the manga and I want chapters spreading out Akatsuki chapters, because, well… they are quite mean.

One last important note… this, in places, could be considered rather dark. I went to a really vengeful place in my soul when dialing up the conversation between Minato and Sasori. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Chapter title is referring to Minato, for clarification.

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**Chapter 14: The Legendary Shinobi**

Minato sat at his desk, enjoying the last few moments of quiet he would have for quite some time. He knew what was coming, he could feel it in every last inch of his soul. There was bloodshed, and at the center of these conflicts stood the group known as Akatsuki. The plague to the shinobi nations, that was determined to spread like wildfire until everyone burnt to a crisp by its flames. Minato knew everything there was to know about the organization now, and only wished he had known a tenth of this information while he was still alive. It explained almost every great tragedy he had privy to or had even known about. The manipulation and destruction of the five great nations by this group was simply staggering. He had only had these files for a very short time, a few hours even, while he waited for Sasori's spirit to be dragged to him, but during this short time there was now a man he was looking to meet even more than Orochimaru.

_Uchiha Madara_

He was the reason he was taken from his son, he was the reason his son grew up alone and without anyone to be there for him. He even knew the real reason for the attack. It wasn't revenge or rage, but fear. Madara had feared that if he tried to make a move while Minato was alive he would be put in his place swiftly, and he held no confidence in defeating the Yondaime Hokage in a duel, despite his long lifespan and experience. He had chosen the Kyuubi out of cowardice. In doing so, he had ruined so many lives. The inner shinobi in Minato had to concede though, it worked. As evil and sinister as the plan was, it had worked on every level. Month by month it seemed the group was gathering influence in all nations, using subtle strokes to paint a picture of mass murder that was coming closer and closer to being completed.

And Namikaze Minato could do nothing to stop them.

So he swore, he swore on his very soul, that if – no, check that, _when_ – each of them eventually died, he would be ready with a personalized torture chamber for each member for all of eternity, making their worst fears and nightmares a reality to torment them for the rest of existence.

Somewhere the Shinigami shuddered, and he wondered if it had been a mistake to hand over those files. Pain, torture, merciless psychological torment…

Nope, great decision as always by the Shinigami. He perked up, knowing that this was going to be a rough stretch for Minato, and having a sinking feeling in his cold heart that Minato's smile and laughter would be a distant memory for quite some time.

Minato glanced at the file marked "Uchiha Itachi" and his eyes softened considerably.

_Maybe the most loyal of them all… what a cruel mission for him to have to undertake._

**In another place**

He was late. Really late. This was really bad, his master had finally gotten him a job that could take up a lot of his time and really help people, and he was late for his first day, what an idiot he was! Rounding the corner he saw a big sign that read "Children's ward" and smiled, he had made it. Opening the glass door, he stepped in and the first thing he saw was a very unhappy Uzumaki Kushina.

"Obito, my husband had to talk me into this and this is how you repay his kind words? " Kushina had a frown on her face but her eyes were sparkling with amusement, which did not go unnoticed by the friendly Uchiha. For the record, the phrase "the friendly Uchiha" _is_ only ever going to be applied to Obito, for future reference.

"But Kushina-san, you are so pretty when you are all sweaty and angry and yelling, I could not help but be late!" At this Kushina blushed prettily and slapped Obito on the shoulder as he grinned widely.

"Maybe Minato needs to be worried that he passed on one too many of his charming lines on to you, young man." Obito beamed at the praise before Kushina got a serious look on her face.

"Are you sure you are ready for this job Obito? It is _very_ serious." Kushina knew Obito was a good kid with a good heart, but entrusting him with such a responsibility may have been too much.

"I am ready Kushina-san, I promise I will take this very seriously." Kushina looked him in the eye and then smiled.

"Then let's get to work!"

**Ten Minutes Later…**

Obito stepped in front of the kids, all who had died under the ages of ten to various diseases, accidents, or more sinister means. Many of them had been killed during the brutal reign of Hanzo in the land of rain. It had been said that the day that Hanzo died the whole afterlife shook at Minato's fury. But back on subject, Obito was standing in front of the kids in a clown costume, pulling his own nose and telling them clichéd jokes that they never got a chance to hear in their life, causing them to laugh with glee and forget their tears. For this was where the souls of lost children went until they could either be reunited with their loved ones or could go to a much better place.

Kushina smiled at the somewhat clumsy man, whose heart was always in the right place.

_The good ones always die too young, don't they, my love…_

**With Nick…**

Nick was twitching, his mind trying to hold on to its fragile sanity. Never before had he been subjected to such obviously wicked torture. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to use his only remaining leverage to get out of this torture, even though he would miss it dearly.

"Shinigami! Come forth, I have an offer to make you to end my needless suffering." Nick didn't sound like himself, and quite frankly he really didn't care, he just needed this to end, and if pleading got the death god here faster, then so be it. The Shinigami appeared with a pair of shades on, which hid his closed eyes as he refused to look at the ongoing scene going on with Orochimaru and Kabuto. Keeping them on until his back faced the ugly scene, he took them off just in time to hear a quiet whimper of pleasure from Orochimaru. Taking a calming breath, the Shinigami focused his mind away from the horror going on behind him to the little horror in front of him.

"Ah Nick-kun, it seems you are in quite a bad state, if only I cared. What may I do for you?" The Shinigami's ghastly smile appeared on his face, quite pleased with himself.

"I wish to bargain, Shinigami-sama. I have something that I am sure will be of great interest to you. It is a tape that I myself recorded, it has the Yondaime Hokage fighting my former fox-girl, I am sure the tape could bring you great personal amusement, as well as quite a bit of monetary reward if you were to sell it to certain people." The Shinigami mused on the idea for a moment, knowing the traitorous little snot before him had merit in his words.

"So a tape for your sanity, as it were?" Nick nodded.

"So be it." The Shinigami grinned wickedly down at Nick, and he felt like he had just made a deal with the devil.

Until he realized he was the only devil of record in the mortal world that was still around.

**Back with Obito**

"Ow! Stop it you brat!" Obito was desperately trying to get this kid to stop kicking him, but he seemed very insistent on hurting Obito, just because he didn't think some of his jokes were very funny.

Which they weren't, but you at least got to give credit for effort.

Finally after the eighth kick, Obito had enough, gathering all the mean thoughts he could, he pulled out some thin razor wire and looked the kid straight in the eye.

"Kid, I am a former shinobi, I know how to kill a man two hundred ways with this thin razor wire, and if you don't stop kicking me I am going to use you as my test subject in front of all the other kids, got it?" As soon as he finished talking the kid started crying and ran off. Obito felt rather satisfied with himself until Kushina walked over with a deathly serious look across her features.

"Obito, you didn't happen to know that the young boy you just spoke to had to watch Kisame of the Seven Swordsman slaughter his whole family using nothing but thin razor wire until finally Kisame decided to chop him to bits using it and feeding him to his pet shark while still alive, right?"

Obito paled to the palest shade of white possible.

"Oops?" Kushina merely made contact with her face and her palm at Obito's shamed look.

**In the damnable white space**

Zabuza strode into Minato's endless office and almost fell on his ass in shock. Minato had a few files on his desk, which was nothing unusual, however behind him were mountains upon mountains of boxes, each stuffed full with files. There had to be millions of files behind Minato, most of them looked like they had been shuffled through recently, like he was reading them…

Zabuza was about to make a joke when he suddenly got hit by an extreme aura of dread that seemed to have seeped into the very air of this room. Deciding to keep his mouth shut he quietly advanced towards Minato's desk and took the seat opposite of him. Minato knew he was there, of this Zabuza was certain, but he gave no outward indication of it. Giving Minato a once over, he could see the tension in every part of the older shinobi's body as he read through multiple files at a time.

"What are you reading, Minato-sama?" Zabuza's voice was careful and respectful, not quite understanding what was going on but aware of the gravity of the situation.

"Victims." Minato's voice was monotone, listless even. His eyes kept scanning the pages in front of him, occasionally flipping them over to continue reading. Zabuza, not feeling he had his question answered quite yet, spoke again.

"What do you mean victims?" At this Minato did look up, and like Chiyo before him, he dearly wish he hadn't. Minato's eyes did not contain their usual warmth or life, they contained nothing. They were the eyes of a killer, a very experienced and a very dangerous killer. Minato blinked and when he opened his eyes the look was gone, replaced with one of sadness.

"I have one million, five-hundred thousand, four-hundred and thirty-one files behind me Zabuza. Each of these files has a person. A real, breathing person, inside of them. Their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their fondest memories. Everything about them stored in these files. All of them are dead Zabuza, for most their life was cut horribly short. Do you know why, Zabuza?" Zabuza shook his head, unwilling to attempt to speak to the obviously grief-struck Hokage.

"Akatsuki. It is all because of that organization. I had an inkling of what they had just from my own paperwork that I had filed, but the scope and the magnitude… I could never have imagined. And for what? For what have all of these lives been ruined? For power, that is all they want, power. The power to destroy, the power to control, the power to kill people just so they can prove their own strength to satisfy their own egos. Do you know what that makes them, Zabuza?" Once more Zabuza just shook his head without saying a word.

"_Monsters_. That is what they are, monsters in the cloak of humans. Today is a most fortunate day though, because one has died in battle. They have been almost unstoppable in life, I am going to make sure every last one of them never feels that way again, starting with Sasori of the Red Sand." Zabuza did not doubt for a moment that Minato was going to back up his words fully. Zabuza had been to hell several times and never had he seen a more frightening look on a face than at this very moment.

_Akatsuki… pray that each of you live forever, because if you don't I have a feeling even I won't be able to stomach what this man is going to do to you. _

All of a sudden the queue button lit up, signifying that someone was waiting to be let into the white space. Minato looked at Zabuza and Zabuza nodded at the obvious dismissal, leaving Minato alone with the glowing button.

Minato looked at the button for a moment before pressing it.

Sasori of the Red Sand was perhaps not mighty in stature, but his presence was undeniable. He strode forward confidently and with little care of the surrounding area, his signature black cloak with red clouds flapping slightly as he moved. His eyes revealed nothing as he looked upon who was there to greet him, until he scoffed.

"The Yondaime Hokage is the best they could do? Honestly, I expected someone much more regal to greet me to death, this is the best? I think I'll pass." He was amused when he saw a golden spark flash through the Yondaime's eyes for a brief moment, before it was gone again.

_Hokage are truly too easy to goad, it is a wonder how that village has not collapsed onto itself by now._

Turning around to leave Minato's voice stopped him.

"I am the judge of all souls, I am afraid I am the best you are going to get anytime soon, Sasori-san, let's go for a walk and have a chat about your life, how about it?" Minato stood up and began to walk, as he did a door appeared in front of him and opened without any prompting from the blonde haired man allowing him to walk through.

Sasori took a good look at his surroundings, and finding nothing but an endless white space aside from the door that the Yondaime Hokage just stepped through, it found no reason to just sit around doing nothing. Getting up, he straightened out his cloak and walked through the door, which slammed shut behind him.

**In a place unknown**

Sasori was immediately bombarded by a sea of photographs lining the narrow hallway he had just entered. Some he recognized from his life, others held no meaning to him. Judging from how far the hallway seemed to extend, there had to be thousands upon thousands of portraits on the walls.

"Do you know how many days, when I was not busy, I had to comfort the grieving parents who wished so sorely to be able to hold their child again, but could not, because their lives had been taken away from them?" Sasori's face did not move, nor did his cold heart.

"Why should I care about my victims? I see what you are trying to do here, have a quick heart to heart and make me feel real bad about my choices. I am afraid your leaf like sentiment is not welcomed, you stupid idiot. Is it any wonder you didn't even make twenty-five?" Sasori smiled lightly, intentionally pushing Minato's buttons. Surprisingly, the blonde just chuckled.

"Oh what a fool you are, Sasori. I was not talking about your victims, but of your own parents." With that said he turned away from Sasori and began to casually walk down the nearly endless hallway. Although he would never admit it, the Hokage's words had managed to rattle Sasori, having long buried his emotions, but every child likes to believe their parents are watching over them after they die, even if it is gone entirely unsaid. Sasori approached it like an old pro, of course.

"My parents? Do you believe invoking them will somehow open my heart?" Sasori's eyebrow quirked in honest wonderment.

Minato kept walking a few paces ahead of Sasori's own sudden movement, an unconscious movement on Sasori's part.

"They cried for the man you never became, you know. They saw the things you did and begged me to do anything, anything at all, to stop you. They always blamed themselves for what you became." Sasori felt the anger rising in him and fought to keep his calm, which he expertly managed to do.

"Why should I care? They barely knew me, and they only had a fraction of my power, they could not understand, nor do I care if they ever could." Sasori's mind was a storm however, despite his well crafted lines of dismissal.

"They asked me dozens of times to find a way to kill you, just so you could be stopped. They wept every time that I could do nothing to stop the monster that you had become. They mourned the death of their precious child many years ago, it is why you will never see them Sasori, and you are lost to them and the rest of the afterlife for all of time." Sasori was quite shaken at this, and could no longer hide it any more. For all of the bravado and cold hearted talk he managed to summon so easily, this revelation was quite shocking to him. His parents had decided that he was no longer their son? How could they?

Without even being aware of it, Sasori had been walking at an almost unimaginable pace, keeping up with Minato's own long strides despite his adolescent body. When he looked up after a few moments of silence they were at the end of the hall way. Instead of a door, there hung one last photograph. It was of the one tailed container they had killed, Gaara. His last victim.

"Excuse me for the mistake, the room was prepared a little in advance and there has been a mistake, this one is alive again thanks to the sacrifice of your grandmother, Chiyo-san. Even after giving his life for his village, he lives on." At this Minato turned to Sasori and gave him a bright smile at the thought, while Sasori's mind was reeling. Minato's expression turned dark however as he continued.

"It is amazing, isn't it? How a person tortured, abused, beaten, and treated about as badly as possible grows up and through example wants to protect his village with his considerable might. You and him share so much in common, yet your weakness, your inability to cope with human emotions, lead you down a traitor's path, a murderer's path, and a wicked path for which there is no redemption." As his point went on, his voice got angrier and angrier, until at the very end he was shouting as he picked up Sasori and forced him to be within an inch of the picture of Gaara, his hands behind his back in a position which allowed no freedom of movement. Minato continued.

"You tried to extinguish hope, sacrifice, and goodness. You would have succeeded in crushing Suna if not for the sacrifice of your grandmother. And for what? Nothing. Nothing at all truly benefited you from the actions you chose to take, you did it just because you could. This boy has more strength than you could ever have if you lived for centuries!" Upon the last word, he slammed Sasori into the wall, only to have him go through it, entering a dark and cold room, with very little lighting.

Sasori was very worried at this point, this man was not like he had read on reports. He knew he was skilled and deadly, but had come off as soft when the going got tough, he did not expect something like this.

_Mother….father… I was truly a monster?_

Minato looked down upon the crumpled heap of a man and looked disgusted.

"It is interesting to note, that many traits of our lives carry over to the afterlife. Many ninja, for instance, are able to take great amounts of pain because they endured so much in their life. You, on the other hand, never did so. You removed your body and have not felt the sensation of bodily pain for years." To illustrate his point, he poked Sasori in the arm sharply causing him to wince slightly.

"So I have decided I know what I am going to do with you. You might have heard of a technique I am rather famous for, it is called the Rasengan. This technique takes chakra, molds it into a torrent, tightens into a perfect sphere, and can shred anything it comes into contact with." He stopped for a moment and formed a rasengan in his right hand, the glowing ball of blue chakra appeared to be begging to touch Sasori.

"I am going to use this on your arm now." Minato said simply.

"W-wait. What about my parents? Can you tell me more about them?" Sasori voice indicated the pleading he never before would have let show before. However Minato's well crafted speech had woven itself into Sasori's psyche expertly, and with good reason. Minato had been reading over his file, combing it for weaknesses, ways to punish the man. He had done his job well, as he always did.

"Oh, I am sorry, I actually never met them, and I was lying about everything I said. I figured for such a great shinobi as you are, you would be able to look underneath the underneath, my mistake for overestimating you, Sasori-san." The touch of mocking was almost lost on Sasori, whose entire mind more or less shattered and he lost himself to his own demented self-loathing thoughts. For such a great shinobi, he had shown weakness and had pleaded with a man who was certainly his enemy. His pride and strength gone, he was less than nothing

And that was before the chakra ball started to shred his arm.

Minato pressed more, causing the blood and skin (entirely meta-physical as it was, it still felt real) to spew everything, the bone being ground to dust. Sasori screamed in utter agony as he saw the ball of chakra come into contact with his shoulder, and the last thing he knew the ball was shredding his face off, muting his screams.

"Sasori, wake up."

Sasori awoke to Minato staring over him. Glancing at Minato's hand, he saw a rasengan there, swirling calmly.

"I am afraid that wasn't quite what I had in mind for your torture, let's try it again." And so he shoved the ball into the same arm again, with mostly the same results. He would continue doing so until he got it just right.

He never would.

"Minato, what did you do to him?" The Shinigami was confused to walk in on Minato and Sasori sitting opposite of each other, with Sasori slumped over and trembling, all the while Minato simply was looking impassively at the man.

Minato looked at the Shinigami with a smile on his face and sadistic glee in his eyes.

"A simple genjutsu, nothing too impressive. He will be like that for all of eternity, so find a good pit and throw him in it, he won't be around to bother anyone again, I assure you, Shinigami-sama." The Shinigami grinned wickedly, loving it when Minato put effort into his projects.

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**A/N**: Another one done, three chapters, three days! A NEW RECORD. Hope you guys enjoyed this more serious take on Minato and the ways of shinobi, have no fear, next chapter I envision to be much lighter. Including: More Obito antics, the fight tape is revealed, and Minato laughs a little.

Also of note, the scene with Sasori where his arm gets shredded at the very end was inspired heavily by a scene in Gaereth's "Will of Fire", which as soon as I read it I knew I had to try it for my own. I won't say exactly what I mean, as it spoils it a bit, but if you love the Yondaime as much as I do, you should check out his story, it is fantastic.

See you guys another day, which probably won't be tomorrow!

**- Chris**


	15. All the Way

**A/N: **I am breaking one of my cardinal rules this chapter, although not really. I am taking a scene that has not been discussed in the Manga, Kushina and Minato's first meeting, and explaining it. I don't, or rather hope, this isn't covered, because it'd make me a sad writer. But the interaction was too amusing to pass up.

Also of note I ran into a couple of reviewers who I talked to a lot in PM since the last chapter, they are getting named dropped in this chapter for fun, see if you can spot them!

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**Chapter 15: All the Way**

Minato might not have handled Sasori the way he did if he had known the incredible amounts of paperwork that were involved. Whose bright idea was it to have a hundred page required report on comatose victims of his judgments? Whoever it was, they should be punched in the face.

**Elsewhere**

The Shinigami was suddenly struck with a strange thought. What would happen if Minato ever figured out that around half of the paperwork he told the blonde to file was usually shredded or similarly disregarded within an hour of handing them over, and that he just wanted to see how far he could push his little toy.

**Flashback**

"You seriously want me to write a three hundred page report on a stillborn baby? There isn't much to explain, and it is quite morbid at that. I can't possibly write that much." Minato looked at the Shinigami with disbelief, failing to understand the point of such a detailed report.

The Shinigami was undeterred, however.

"Be Creative, Minato-kun." At this he grinned and walked away unable to see Minato's eyes darken with annoyance at the man.

**End Flashback.**

Yeah, probably best not to let Minato get a hold on that particular secret any time soon, or ever, for that matter.

**Back with Minato.**

Putting down his pen, he sighed. While he was told that he made it look easy, it was very hard on him dealing with men like Sasori, just looking at his own write up on the man managed to piss him off. How could he describe evil in words? How could he explain the depths of darkness that resided in the man's soul with paragraphs?

Visual aids of course!

Next to his writing he drew very rough sketches depicting Sasori's evil, including a very crudely drawn puppet man sawing "rawr, I'm mean." Minato rubbed his chin, thinking maybe he needed to work on his emotional outlets more.

Speaking of emotional outlets, Minato glanced at a letter that had arrived an hour ago from his wife, asking him to meet her at her work so that they could talk about their day. Minato really wanted to go, as it had been quite a many month since they had last spoken to one another, but with all of this paperwork due with recent events as well as the queue button being lit, there wasn't much of a chance that he was going to be able to slip away quietly for a few hours.

"Minny-kun? What kind of screwed up nickname is that?" It was a testament to Minato's exhausted and stressed state that he didn't even notice such an unskilled ninja like Zabuza (Hey, when you are Minato anyone who didn't have a "kage" attached to his name sometime in his life was probably going to be filed under the unskilled section of the shinobi ranks) sneak up on him unnoticed until he decided to make himself known was truly terrible.

"Zabuza, if a single person hears of this I will make what I did to Sasori look like a trip to the park." Zabuza suddenly paled tremendously, likely due to the person who happened to be standing behind him.

"Now now Minato-san, I believe it is rather cute that a man of your stature is still able to be comfortable with affection from your loved one." Minato was greeted with a wave by the ever observant Haku, who smiled at him and gave a slight nod of his head, clearly amused.

Minato turned to Zabuza and mouthed the word "dead" to him without saying a word. Zabuza looked sick.

"I suppose it could be worse, at least I don't have some hyper woman in here fawning over a silly nickname." Minato nodded his head solemnly, knowing what a pain that would be. Minato got worried when both Haku and Zabuza looked very ill. It then proceeded to hit him like a rock.

Or a ninety pound fox-girl, if we are being more precise. The short fox-girl had hearts for eyes as she stared lovingly at Minato.

"Hokage-Sama! That is soooo kawaii, oh my god!! I can't believe you have such a special relationship with your wife. That is so… so…" As Tsunade the fox-girl struggled to find her words, Minato sighed in exasperation.

Tsunade found her word.

"So hot!" She started to snuggle to Minato's chest quite lovingly, her face smashing against it, letting out a content sigh as she curled up to him, letting her hands hang loosely around his neck. Minato's face scrunched up in severe anger, and he had to work extra hard to smooth over his features enough to think while at the same time being attached to content fox-girl whose hot body currently was doing some very bad things to Minato's.

That is, if his wife ever found out.

Looking at Zabuza for a moment a smile managed to creep its way onto his face. Zabuza was worried. Haku would have been, but he was too busy making "aww" type sounds at the cute fox-girl who might have been sleeping she was so content.

"Zabuza, I never actually fired you from being my assistant, correct?" Zabuza didn't like the question very much, and he had a bad feeling he had to be careful with is answer.

"Well, the Shinigami did kind of fire me and send me to my eternal damnation in a fiery pit, why?" Minato's eyes sparkled with what could be best described as "amused murderous intent." Zabuza slowly backed away from the man.

"So that would be a no. Excellent! Zabuza, assist me by taking over my job for the day. Later!" With the word barely out of his mouth the Yondaime's body flicked from view, leaving the fox-girl to hit the floor in a heap. Tsunade looked around confused, having been in a very good place only moments before. Haku took pity on the petite fox-girl and explained.

"Minato-kun decided to take the rest of the day off and appointed Zabuza to judge souls today." Tsunade's demeanor went from very sad to cheerful in an instant.

"Yay! I get to judge souls again, this will be fun!" Zabuza quirked an eyebrow, afraid that the girl in front of him wasn't the brightest bulb in the world.

"I don't think you understand, I am the one that is going to be-" Zabuza was promptly interrupted by a clawed hand around his throat, not allowing him to finish his words. Looking from the claw to the face it belonged to, Tsunade's eyes were glowing red and a malicious aura was enveloping the room.

"**Listen mortal, and listen well. I fully plan to judge souls today with or without your approval, the only difference in either of these scenarios is one of them involves rending your soul from this level of existence, the other does not, are we understood?**" Haku's eyebrows almost reached his hairline.

"Oh my." Was all that he could think to say.

Zabuza nodded stiffly, and Tsunade dropped him as soon as he did, a pleasant smile on her face.

"Yay! I am soooo happy we could come to an agreement Zabuza-kun, you are just too sweet! Let's get to work, OK?" Haku and Zabuza both nodded, wondering just what in the living hell was wrong with this fox-girl.

**Inside Kyuubi's cage**

"You know, for someone who wanted a fox-girl so badly, you would have thought that he would have had the presence of mind to ask for the one that was not totally insane nor had mood swings that put me to shame. Ah well, I am just glad that fool got her out of my hair, he can keep his stupid soul for all I care." Kyuubi's musings were interrupted by the brat appearing in front of him. He sighed, it was always "chakra now!" this and "SHUT UP YOU STUPID FOX" that. The day he got out of this cage was going to be the bloodiest day in the history of the world.

_Believe it._

…

…

…

_Damn brat is rubbing off on me…_

**Meanwhile, with Minato…**

Minato got the wind knocked out of him as his lovely wife jumped into his arms and kissed him passionately, which got some whistles from the kids in the courtyard.

Minato was pleased, to put it lightly.

"Wow Sakura-chan, my student got you are hot and bothered didn't he? You haven't kissed like that in years." Minato was smiling brightly, proud of his joke.

"Ah, Minato-kun, you have no idea. This one time when I was feeling really _frustrated_ Obito did this thing with his eye and oh my god it was so wonderful." At this Minato paled as Kushina started to drool, as if remembering pleasure from another time. Seeing the look of horror on Minato's face, she grinned and nipped his neck before laughing softly.

"Oh Minato, your own jokes always backfire with me, why do you even bother to try to embarrass me darling?" Minato's look of horror left his face, realizing it was a just a jest on the part of his wife. It was rare that he could get the better of this woman, although there had been occasion.

**Flashback**

Minato walked the streets of Whirlpool City with the mission of delivering a peace treaty from Konoha to their elder council, which was expected to be accepted rather hastily, due to the fact that both sides understood that the minor conflict had started over an incident that turned out to be clearly framing Konoha by Iwa nin, and with missives send back and forth between the Whirlpool country and the Sandaime, the matter would be resolved in about five minutes.

Minato was now a jounin, and an extremely respected and feared one at that. While not quite at the height of his fame yet, Kumo and Iwa both had him listed in the Bingo books as an A ranked nin who should be treated with caution. When finding out he had "only" gotten an A rank he made it his mission to utterly destroy them for underestimating him.

**Fast Forward a Year**

The man in charge of bingo book entries looked at the Tsuchikage in fear, very scared that he could not do what the man wanted.

"I am very, very, sorry sir, but there is simply no way I can list a ninja under "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" Class. We can only give them one S." The Kage narrowed his eyes in fury.

"He has killed my men by the thousands. One time, he killed so many of my men in so little time he had enough time and presence of mind to arrange the bodies in such a manner that even a mile into the air it was reported the message "Iwa Sucks" could be seen being formed by how he left the corpses." The Bingo Book printer snorted at the story, and promptly fell dead from a kunai being lodged into the back of his skull.

The Tsuchikage sighed.

**Rewind a Year**

Ignoring the future for the moment, onto more pressing matters, such as the red-haired maniac coming at Minato with a sword. Minato blinked curiously for a moment before something registered to his mind.

_Oh crap, a red-haired maniac is coming at me with a sword!_

Minato recovered from his shock and managed to dodge the attack in the nick of time.

"Wow, easy there stranger. I come on official business, no need to get all excited." Taking a glance at the person, there was a mask covering their face, with only flowing red hair and piercing eyes being noticeable. However as Minato looked further down something became obvious. That is, two somethings became obvious.

_Ah, a kunoichi, Jiraiya-sensei would feel quite welcomed by the welcoming committee, I imagine._

The woman came at Minato again, but this time he wasn't feeling up for being so friendly. He threw a kunai at her which she dodged easily. She smiled under her mask.

"Your aim sucks, blo-" She stopped mid-sentence as Minato was behind her holding the kunai to her neck, almost drawing blood.

"My aim is just fine, thank you very much."

The red-head almost growled.

"Finish me off if you want, Konoha scum, but my village will never surrender to a village whose spies walk through the street calmly as if we are no threat!" Minato almost rolled his eyes. It would seem new traveled slow here.

"I am actually carrying a ceasefire agreement that your elder council has already agreed to sign, the whole affair has been a whole misunderstanding born from our mutual enemies, now how about you settle down?" Minato withdrew the kunai from her throat as she spun on him, her mask down and her eyes wide in horror. Minato barely noticed, as he was too busy soaking in the woman's soft features.

_Jiraiya would really like this welcoming, ehehe. _

"Seriously? Oh crap, sorry about that then. My name is Uzumaki Kushina, jounin of Whirlpool." One hand was extended in a handshake while the other nervously rubbed the back of her head, a clear sign she was embarrassed. Minato took the hand.

"You know you shouldn't be so understanding, I could be lying to gain your trust before killing you." Minato raised an eyebrow, asking her to challenge his point.

She only smirked.

"True, but I know when I am beat, you wouldn't need to use such a ruse, you had me dead to rights there, the moment you lowered your weapon I knew you were a friendly." Minato nodded, conceding the good logic behind her words.

"Smart as well as good looking, an impressive combo, the name is Namikaze Minato, jounin of Konoha, and future Hokage." Kushina was about to laugh in his face before she saw the intensity in his eyes. She felt something in her body lurch as she only had one word to describe the look on the young man's face.

_Beautiful…_

It was clear that he had full confidence in his statement, so in a massively delayed response she merely nodded. Remembering what he had said, she offered to take him to the council's tower, which he gladly accepted.

On the way there, Minato looked at her out of the corner of his eye and couldn't help but feel greatly attracted to the way she carried herself, she was very confident in herself. Picking up on a certain tension radiating off of her, he decided to speak up.

"I know you want to kiss me, I can tell by your body language." The response he got was not what he had been expecting. She sighed in relief.

"Thank Kami you noticed, I was seriously having trouble holding myself back." With that said she took a hold of him and slammed him back first into an alley wall and started to rip his clothes off and kiss him with fervor.

Minato _really_ liked the welcoming committee.

**End Flashback**

Minato smiled at the love of his life and beyond and continued to hold her close.

"Speaking of my wonderful student, how has Obito been doing?" At this Kushina frowned a little bit and let out a nervous laugh. Minato quirked an eyebrow, knowing Obito had his moments when it came to doing certain things he probably should refrain from doing.

"What did he do now?" The blonde looked deep into his lover's eyes and she sighed, knowing there was no escape from telling this particular story.

"Well he really didn't do anything wrong, he just has a really terrible habit of saying the worst possible things at the worst time. " Kushina rubbed the back of her head nervously, a habit that had never gone away.

**Flashback**

"Oy, stop your screaming Vanya-chan! If you don't stop I swear I am just going to throw you off a bridge!" At this Vanya went wide eyed for a moment before her crying returned in full force and she rushed off. Kushina sighed and walked over to Obito, this time simply opening up a file and having him take a look.

Obito once again paled considerably.

How was he supposed to know at the age of seven that young Vanya had no longer been wanted by her parents so instead of doing something remotely humane, they had decided to throw her off a bridge, resulting in her death, after several hours of floating in severe pain.

Obito really had the worst luck with these sorts of things.

**End Flashback**

Minato shook his head in wonderment, unable to believe the odds of that happening not once but twice in such a short period of time, it was a wonder that Obito had managed to stay out of trouble for so many years before he himself had kicked the bucket.

"Obito is clumsy, even mentally. Don't worry, it'll smooth over. Now come on, let's talk about happier things, you know I barely ever get to see you, I want to enjoy my time with you as much as possible, Sakura-chan." Minato smiled warmly at her as he threw her over his shoulder and carried her into the break room, Kushina's brilliant laughter filling the air.

**In Shinigami's chambers**

The Shinigami eyed the DVD in his hand, twirling between his massive fingers, unsure what he should do with it. On the one hand he loved Minato dearly, and knew that the Hokage was his ticket to big things, things he could not have dreamed of before the man had selflessly decided to place his soul in the hands of the Shinigami, supposedly to be eaten then and there. On the other hand, this video would absolutely embarrass Minato to no end and probably cause him to freak out. Although by the creepy tone Nick had used while describing the video, he had the bad (or for him, good) feeling that this video was rather naughtier than a simple fight. Well one thing was for sure, he had to see it to be able to judge what to do with it.

**Ten Minutes Later**

The Shinigami stared at the now blank screen, having seen the eight minute or so fight that had unfolded before his very eyes. He had been staring at a blank screen now for about a minute, clearly unable to understand what he had just seen. Finally his mind started to very slowly come back to him as dots started to connect to one another regarding the potential of the video in front of him. Then the Shinigami laughed. A laugh so evil and malevolent that the Kyuubi stirred thinking he had heard a mating call while sleeping, before drifting back off to his slumber as the hateful sound died down.

The Shinigami loved Minato, this much was true, but the pure chaos that would result from this video was too much to pass up.

_Tomorrow is going to be a very, very fun day indeed._

**In places unknown**

"Okay Itachi, listen up and listen well, I don't like my time being wasted so I am going to explain one thin razor wire trick a day to you so that you may fully master such a difficult art instead of trying to breeze through them, seeing the type of genius that you are, I am sure you will understand. Know this though, this is not something that you can copy with that eye of yours, it takes real, very messy, experience. Are we clear?" Itachi's eyes were narrowed a bit in annoyance.

"I could just eye hax you into showing me everything in a day and making you forget we ever had any of these conversations." Itachi replied rather smugly to Kisame. Kisame grinned toothily.

"Of course, but if anything goes wrong with my memory I have had precautions taken. You see, if you screw with me, partner of mine, I will simply have this document released to the public." Kisame handled Itachi a couple of pages and he read them quickly.

_Sasuke reached out and kissed Itachi, moaning at the contact of his big brother, his very big brother._

Itachi looked up, his Mangekyo Sharingan spinning rapidly in fury at the sheer horror of the document he had the unfortunate task of trying to forget, which was quite hard given the Sharingan and all. Kisame's smile merely widened.

"I believe we are understood, Itachi-kun." Itachi nodded mutely, thankful he didn't have his daily pocky treat, otherwise it would have been vomited back up already. Kisame had studied well the evil torture techniques of the Mizukage.

"Okay, the useful technique I am going to show you is called the Slingshot Theory, it involves manipulating the chakra of the thin razor wire to the opposite of your target. You have to do it just right; otherwise it will end in failure. Allow me to use this Iwa nin we captured to demonstrate the technique first hand." Said Iwa nin was a cute little female chuunin who was shaking her head, and begging to be spared. Itachi looked at his partner.

"She seems kind of cute." At this the female nodded and started doing things with her tongue that Itachi was admittedly interested in exploring further in a dark, secluded place.

Kisame nodded at the obvious observation.

"That is why I am going to use this dull edged thin razor wire to practice on her before we get some random ugly Kumo ninja and torture him to death on your failures." Itachi nodded slowly, liking this plan. The Iwa nin, on the other hand, was thanking Kami she had paid attention to sex for dummies in school.

**Flashback**

"Okay, very important, if you can do this with your tongue, you are probably going to live to see either thirty or the bedroom ceiling of thirty men." The older shinobi proceeded to do some really scary stuff with her tongue, which had all of the kunoichi taking notes, totally not getting how this tongue action would be useful.

**End Flashback**

Kisame wrapped the wire around a couple of kunai around his fingers, deftly moving the wire into careful notes that bound it very solidly together. After explaining how the nin was a fire user so he would us his natural affinity to water to perform this technique. He quickly threw the wire to the left of the pretty girl and watched as it went behind her, Kisame concentrated for a moment and the blue chakra glowed on the thin razor wire and began to spin back towards the girl. The kunai helped the thin razor wire wrap itself around the girl's neck. In a surprising twist, despite clearly being labeled "dull" thin razor wire, it still managed to cleanly decapitate the poor captured kunoichi. Itachi eyed Kisame oddly, while the blue skinned man shrugged.

"Er, sorry about that, I guess it wasn't quite dull enough. I know you wanted to have fun with her later." Kisame's voice actually did appear to have remorse in it.

Itachi merely smirked.

"What is stopping me? She simply won't talk now." Kisame stared at Itachi in sheer disgust. Itachi caught on to this and thought quickly.

"It was a joke, Kisame." The look Kisame gave him told Itachi the man wasn't buying it for a second. Itachi sighed. Kisame moved the dead body out of Itachi's line of sight, all the while keeping an eye on Itachi, totally freaked out by the supposed joke. When the body was out of view, Kisame tried to teach the beautiful art of wire technique to Itachi, which proved surprisingly difficult given how talented the Uchiha had always proven to be.

Itachi tried for nine hours to master the art, and had barely made any progress. He could technically use the technique but he lacked the graceful skill that Kisame seemed to display so easily. Kisame sighed once more, some people were born geniuses, some people simply had to master everything through hard work, it was obvious that Itachi's genius was hyped far too much if he could not get this down, despite the man's successes.

"Let's take a break for the day, this _is_ a rather difficult thin razor wire technique, we'll spend a couple of days on it, OK?" Itachi nodded, still pissed he couldn't master it quickly. Kisame left him to his own devices and Itachi quickly put down the thin razor wire and making sure Kisame was truly gone he could be seen dragging what looked suspiciously like a headless body into his bedroom.

Konan looked at the scene with a faint smile on her face, clearly amused by Itachi's antics, and oddly turned on by it. Konan really had to get these issues addressed. Turning around she ran into Pain, who looked blankly at her for a moment.

"Hello Pain-sama, what brings you here?" Konan saw Pain look towards Itachi's bedroom and she caught on. He still did not say anything he looked between Konan and Itachi's bedroom several times before giving his thoughts.

"Damn!" He said the word with shock and disgust, then he walked off silently, not making another sound in his slow exit.

Konan merely giggled at the action.

_Oh Pain-sama, why must you be so awesome?_

* * *

**A/N: **Holy shit. This chapter completely, and I mean completely, ran away from me. I hardly had any of this planned but the words just kept coming and coming, and by the time I was done with the last scene I realized I had my usual amount and found it to be a good stopping point.

I… basically didn't get to anything I promised! The more I write in this type of zone I have been in the more I think I am going to have to address what I want the average chapter length to be, because I am just amazingly locked into what I want from this story right now. I remember way back in chapter 2 I said "around 2000 words" was what it was going to be, and I haven't had one under 3000 since then, nor one under 4000 since I have been writing in October, and it has been a struggle keeping it to that "short amount." I used to struggle for a few days with my older chapters but I wrote almost all of this chapter today. I admit, it is a great feeling to have my thoughts just roll off like it is nothing, so you can probably expect another update soon. This one only took so long because my beloved Chicago Cubs caused me much grief this weekend, but "All the Way", a song devoted to the Cubs and the eternal hope that they may win a championship some day, gave me the strength to write.

I also don't like this rather long A/N, so I am adding a scene after I am done with this just because I can, bet you can't guess which scene I add. Actually, you probably can.

Also since I wrote a serious Itachi fic (Way of the Weasel, can be found in my profile, oneshot!) I felt the need to bastardize his character this chapter. I did so. I am evil, I am aware.

It tells you how amazing you are feeling as a writer that you write a lot of words on a humor story, get a plot bunny, write said plot bunny and post it, and then go back to write a chapter in the same day. This must be what good writers feel like all the time. It is so amazingly awesome. You know what, you all should review with ideas for this story and others, I've got two weeks off from college and I am feeling good. Damn good. Sir Chris has never, ever, felt this good about his writing. Bring it on.

Whoo!

- Chris

P.S. - Interested in anyone who can draw (or at least believes they can) to draw Minato behind his desk in the damnable white space, I'd like to see what others mental images are of the main character!


	16. The Life and Times of Uzumaki Kushina

**A/N: **While I was writing a part of this chapter, an incredible idea came to me for another story idea. I just want to see what you guys think of it in terms of interesting story ideas, but I don't want to reveal too much. Let's say it involves the 4th implanting a part of his will/personality into Kurenai during the Kyuubi attack to calm her (how he does this will be explained in the chapter, so read!) and she can see a vision of him from that day forth, as he helps her grow up (remember, it isn't actually him, just an impression) I just found the potential for it to be greatly amusing, it'd be comical in nature, probably more plot and less random than this. Well, tell me what you think!

Also I have been thinking of actually doing proper flashbacks instead of just putting comical flashback tags, as part of trying to make this story slightly less slapstick. What do you guys think of this?

You guys like Kushina? You guys get more of her! A lot more. Like half of this chapter involves Kushina. Maybe more than half. Whoo characters that have had five lines or less in the Manga that I can manipulate to my every whim, my favorite type.

Enjoy the chapter, it was a bit hard for me to write because I was going through some personal problems, a family member who I won't name was sick and it really stressed me out, but everything is back on track now, although don't expect an update from me for awhile, college looms large. This is going to be my 5th update in this month, which is pretty amazing considering the type of lazy bastard I usually am. But you guys deserve it after the mega hiatus I accidentally took before June.

**Chapter 16: The Life and Times of Uzumaki Kushina**

Tsunade the fox-girl was skimming through the file that sat in front of her, wondering what to do with the woman in front of her. Oh, most assuredly, she had done many terrible things in her life. She had lied over and over again gaining the trust of elderly couples to have them sign over the rights to all of their money so that she could "invest" this money in stocks, or so that was the game that she played. In truth, she just took the money and spent it on random crap until she ran out and repeated the process. She had robbed countless families, and even killed a few whose family members were a bit too young and sound of mine to fall for her treachery. However she had met her end at the hands of Uchiha Itachi, who had caught her in the act and decided to play with her.

**Flashback**

Itachi had just got done knocking the deceptive woman out and pondered what to do next. Thinking on it for a few moments he decided to test his new wire techniques out on the woman before having some extra-curricular fun with her. At the last thought Itachi smiled in a way that was reminiscent of Orochimaru and dragged the body to his room.

Konan stood far above, at the cusp of the Akatsuki compound wondering if Itachi was likely to bring unwanted attention to the organization by his unusual behavior. Thinking about it some more, she doubted he would be the one to slip up.

**At a local bounty station**

Kakuzu was quite pleased with himself as he unsealed the scroll he had on him, revealing the corpses of ten men who had various prices on their heads. The local employee at the station checked all of them and added the total up.

"That will be 890,000 ryo for you sir. Do you have our kunai card which gives you an extra 10% boost to all of your traded in bounties?" Kakuzu reached into his body and took out a card.

"I sure do, been a member for years now, has given me a ton of extra cash, it's a great deal." The employee looked over the card and frowned.

"I am sorry sir, but the card seems to be expired, it'll be 150,000 ryo to renew it which we will deduct from your current bounties, is that alright?" Kakuzu rubbed his chin, hoping he'd have enough time after hunting down the nine-tails brat to put the card to good use.

"Yes, that's fine, now hurry it up, I am a busy man." The employee was rightfully fearful of Kakuzu and finished the transaction. Kakuzu really wished they had a different type of membership, like for every ten bounties you bring in you get a free S ranked jutsu scroll or something neat. If that was the case, he'd have thirty such scrolls!

In the past two months.

…

Kakuzu was a very busy old man.

**Back with Konan**

Konan could only shake her head as she heard very, very disturbing noises coming from Itachi's quarters. She noticed a presence behind her and she turned her head to see "Tobi" behind her, his head tilted looking rather curiously at Konan. Konan was about to speak when Tobi interrupted her, taking a half-serious tone, reminding her just who he really was.

"Hello Konan-chan, you look rather beautiful this evening, would you like to perform a lap dance for me?" At this Madara, Tobi, or whatever you'd like to call him seemed to grin even though there was no way one could tell with the mask on his face. Konan looked at the man, disgust on her face.

"Thanks, but no thanks, Madara-san. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than degrade myself before you." At her sharp words Madara's mask opened to reveal the pinwheel in his eye spinning rapidly.

"That can be arranged, my dear." Madara's voice was cold as Konan slumped to the ground, entering a world of agony. At that moment Pain entered the room and looked at Konan's limp form with what could be mistaken by some ignorant observers as a look of concern. Similarly, he looked up at Madara and a look of murder could have been said to pass through the very dangerous man's eyes. Madara wasn't a fresh out of the womb though, and he knew how to play the game.

"Give me twenty minutes, if you don't like the results, you can kill me." Pain continued to stare at Madara even as his body faded into mist, disappearing. Madara's eye widened at Pain's action.

_A clone and I didn't even notice? What a scary monster I have decided to mess with…_

Looking down at Konan's limp form, he knew he had best begin his work.

**Twenty minutes later…**

Pain entered a scene that he had not been expecting. Konan was doing quite the seductive lap dance on top of Tobi, grinding her hips into his, and causing Tobi to clap excitedly.

"Tobi likes Tobi likes, do it more do it more!" His voice was filled with a child-like enthusiasm, and Konan continued doing her work.

Pain for his part actually looked impressed.

"Damn." He said softly, almost in awe.

Madara always gets the job done, always.

**End Flashback**

Tsunade the fox-girl had to admit though, for doing all of these awfully mean things the woman seemed to be really sorry for all that she had done, and that was clearly the most important thing about the whole situation: the fact that she was very sorry. The fact that she was a professional con-artist all of her life never occurred to the cute and naïve fox-girl.

"Well since you do appear to be sorry for your actions, I can let you off with a warning this time." With that said the fox-girl bounced up and down giddily as the con-artist smiled politely, pleased with her little performance. Zabuza on the other hand was under no small amount of duress, if Minato came back and found out that this little fox-girl had managed to intimidate Zabuza from the job appointed to him and done all sorts of stupid judgments, he was going to be the one that ended up skewered on some sword in the middle of nowhere, not the fox-girl. Looking at the Tsunade for a moment he came up with a shrewd idea, one that he had a very good feeling that she would buy into readily.

"Tsunade, are you going to put up with that? That was quite rude of her." Tsunade and the woman sitting across from them both blinked in confusion, as Zabuza had spoken suddenly with seemingly no prompt. Tsunade looked questioningly at the man beside her, so Zabuza decided to go forward with his idea, as confusion was probably best at the moment.

"She just called you ugly, Tsunade-chan." Tsunade's eyes turned blood red when the words had processed for he and she turned her attention to the woman in front of her who looked bewildered.

"I never said-" Alas, it was too late for protest, as she was bloodied senseless, the part of her dark soul scattered cross the empty space, for none to see.

Zabuza rubbed his chin, while Haku was impressed with his master's creative ability to deceive.

_If you can't beat them, manipulate them!_

Somewhere Uchiha Madara sneezed.

**With Minato and Kushina**

After they had taken care of certain adult business, namely screwing each other's brains out (*Rubs chin while looking at T rating of fic*) Minato sighed, it was impossible to keep the subject away from their son forever, and he had managed to do such a good job thus far, but he knew it was coming…

"So Minato-kun, I have heard the stories of what you did to Sasori, rather nasty genjutsu, and you always said that was your weakness." Kushina's words were chosen carefully, she had the benefit of working with children every day to temper her once wild and sadistic side for vengeance, although it was always a lesson in sadness: What a wonderful mother she would have been, could have been, and should have been… if not for what happened when she gave birth to Naruto. Back on point through, Minato did not have such experience to temper him. He was still the man she fell in love with, and that included his vengeful side.

**Flashback**

"Death! Pain! Suffering! You will know torment that even the gods will shudder from!" The main paled two shades past pure white in fear. Kushina stepped between the man on his knees begging for his life any way he knew how and the enraged man.

"Dear, I believe he was joking about me looking fat, weren't you?" The man nodded as fast as he could. Minato on the other hand nodded stiffly.

"You shouldn't joke about stuff like that, it could get you _killed_." The way Minato said the last word drove the point home rather nicely, and the man scrambled away while Kushina could only smile prettily at her soon to be husband.

_Oh Minato, you are one crazy handsome bastard sometimes, and that's why I love you._

**End flashback**

Minato smiled at his wife half-heartedly at the genjutsu comment, both knowing weaknesses meant he had only trained _nearly_ countless hours working on the advanced subject material for an area.

"It isn't a traditional genjutsu in the sense it has to be delicate, all that is needed is eye contact and the want and ability to force your desires and will onto another person. It isn't very practical against most experienced shinobi, as their wills cannot be bent and they will brush off suggestive thinking rather easily. In fact, I'd say it is more useful in helping mend broken or traumatized minds by giving them comfort through this technique." Minato smiled lightly at his explanation, while Kushina mentally sighed. She really loved Minato, but he could ramble on about any one of his tricks and toys all day if you left to his own devices.

"Back on topic dear, it has been quite some time since we've talked about our son, you know better than me how he is doing, I try my best not to worry and keep myself busy but the things I have been hearing from others are quite disturbing." Minato frowned at this, knowing that his wife was an experienced ninja who understood how the life of a ninja worked, and given the type of blood that was in Naruto, that of a Kage and a Kage level ninja on her best days, both knew where his future was before he was even born. Only they had envisioned themselves there to guide him, instead of having to guide his own hand. It had been no small fight when he had arrived at his new "office" to find the only person there was his wife, the Shinigami having told him along the way that she herself had passed on moments before he had.

**Flashback**

"You put the strongest demonic force known to man in our newborn son!?" Kushina's look of rage was only matched by Minato's hard look of determination, which gave the irate woman pause. This was not the face she was used to seeing from her husband, she had not expected for him to be angry at her for this conversation

Wife or no, you don't piss of the Yondaime Hokage lightly.

A few feet away the Shinigami was preparing popcorn while rubbing his hands together in excitement.

_Who says you need to pay for good drama? I am such a genius!_

Minato voice was cold, and almost detached.

"Yes, because Naruto being dead with the rest of the village is such a spectacular idea! Let them all die, I am sure Naruto would be so grateful for that. I gave them a fighting chance, and Naruto was the only kid strong enough to handle the force of the fox. He is going to be OK Sakura-chan, I did my job correctly." This was not the right thing to say, if Kushina's rage was any indication.

"Your job? Was this just another mission for you, to seal a demon inside of your own son? Was there truly no other way? You didn't even have time to tell me what you were going to do? I would have liked to have been consulted." Minato smiled grimly at that statement, expecting it.

"You would not have agreed to it."

"Of course not! What you did is insanity, you placed your village above your family!"

"Exactly, you don't have it in you to do it, and that is why you aren't a Kage!" The woman withdrew as if struck by the harsh statement. Minato's eyes softened considerably, knowing he had pushed her too far.

"I am sorry, Kushina-chan, but it isn't as if I sentenced our son to a death sentence or anything. I gave him a burden, a responsibility, but not a death sentence. This was no trade off, my son for my village, because both were saved by doing this." He wrapped his wife in a hug, while she sobbed into his chest. She was just worried about her baby; she hadn't meant to go off on her husband like this. Minato chuckled softly.

"You should have seen Naruto, when he laid eyes upon the Kyuubi he actually smiled, as if he welcomed the challenge of keeping the Kyuubi back. I can tell that he is going to have your personality, Kushina-chan. He will grow up strong, I promise it." Kushina looked up at Minato and hugged him tightly, silently giving her forgiveness.

The Shinigami on the other hand puked into his popcorn bag, disgusted at the display of affection and love that he was currently seeing.

_I set this up perfectly for fireworks, and I get this sappy crap. Someone is getting tortured today, and by someone I mean Orochimaru._

With that, the Shinigami walked away to go find a random wheel of various nefarious deeds.

**End Flashback**

"He is actually doing very well, he has had some trouble in his life, and it's the nature of ninja to have conflict in their lives. However all I have read with the files I am given Naruto is growing into an exceptionally strong ninja with a heart as big as a mountain. As you know Kakashi was chosen as his sensei, and you know I would trust that man with my life, second only to Jiraiya-sensei in that regard, who took him on a training trip recently." Minato smiled pleasantly but Kushina seemed to perk up at Kakashi's name.

"Kakashi you say? We certainly got off to a rough start, didn't we?" Kushina scratched the back of her head, while her husband smiled sheepishly recalling the memory.

**Flashback**

Kakashi was walking down the street, giggling in the most perverted way possible as he flipped the page in his little orange book, something he never left home without. Still in his teenage years, Kakashi was thought to be one of the rising stars of Konoha with as much talent and drive as anyone. Of course, most didn't know his name, for he was an ANBU captain, but his hair gave him away most of the time, and even when his sensei had thought it a good idea to cut it, he said it made him look cool and he passed. Minato of course couldn't object, he felt that Kakashi had regained a part of his soul that everyone who knew him thought was lost forever. Obito's death had hit Kakashi unbearably hard, and for as much potential and drive he had before that, it may have increased ten fold after the incident. A few side effects had arisen however.

Kushina was humming merrily as she exited a shop with her hands full. Although they had to keep it a secret, she was so very happy to be the newlywed wife of one Namikaze Minato. It pained her to keep it quiet, she just wanted to burst with joy at every moment. So merry she was she did not notice the ANBU Captain with way too much gray hair come right towards her, his face stuffed in a book, and thus they bumped into each other causing all of her new clothes to fall to the ground.

"You should watch where you are going; get your head out of that stupid book!" Kakashi raised an eyebrow, bending down to help the angry woman with her clothes. Getting a closer look at her, she was very pretty, and looked to only be a few years older than him. Perhaps it was his lucky day after all.

"Well hello there beautiful, my name is Hatake Kakashi, nice to meet you." His eye curved up in such a way that it was clear that he was smiling, trying to put his best foot forward as it were. Kushina remained decidedly unimpressed, although she recognized the name.

"Well nice to meet you Hatake Kakashi, I've heard many interesting things from my husband about you." Kakashi deadpanned at this, his luck with the ladies unchanging.

"Kakashi, are you trying to hit on my wife?" Kakashi's eye widened in sudden horror as he heard a voice he could never forget, that of his sensei. Kakashi turned around and started to sweat very heavily as Minato had a very dangerous look in his eyes.

"Um, hello Minato-sensei, congratulations on the wedding." It wasn't so much a statement as a question, Kakashi chuckling nervously all the while.

"What do you think the odds of me not maiming you for this are?" Minato took a step or two forward while Kushina rolled her eyes behind Kakashi's back, greatly amused by the theatrics.

"Very low, sir?" Minato stopped in his march towards Kakashi for a moment before smiling a very evil smile.

"An excellent assessment as always, Kakashi-kun." With that he pulled out a kunai and Kakashi turned away and ran as fast as he could, screaming about not wanting to die. Minato chuckled while putting the weapon away, not moving from his place. Kushina turned to him smirking.

"How long do you think it will take him to figure out that you aren't following him?" Minato rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, he won't be able to sense me even if I was following him, and given how paranoid he can be, I'd give it around forty miles or so." Minato grinned, draping an arm over his wife's shoulder, both grinning in amusement as the echo of Kakashi's screams still filled the air.

**End Flashback**

"Yup, good ole Kakashi is still doing well by all accounts, he got pulled out of ANBU just to teach Naruto's team, he wasn't pleased at first, but he has adopted a different attitude towards it now. Jiraiya-sama's teaching skills can be promptly summed up with how I managed to turn out, I trust no one more with Naruto's care than those two, trust me, there are going to be many people who are sent here by Naruto before his time as a ninja is up, I am absolutely sure of it." Kushina nodded, not having doubts about what type of shinobi her son was going to grow up to be. A little nervous that having two perverted teachers would cause her baby boy to have certain undesirable traits when it came to women, though.

**Flashback**

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." With every repetition of the word, Kushina shoved the perverted man's face into the wall again. His face was a bloody mess by the time Minato came in and cringed at the sight. Kushina whipped around and looked furious.

"Minato! This man had the nerve to come into our house without being invited, and to add injury to insult I found him peeping at me while I was in the shower!" Minato looked at the man and could only sigh.

"Hello Jiraiya-sensei." Minato had a sweat drop run down his face at his wife's shocked expression.

"Ah, hello there gaki! How's life?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, meet my wife to be, Kushina. Kushina, Jiraiya, legendary Sannin, frog hermit, and biggest pervert you will ever meet." Kushina was a bit startled how Jiraiya bounced up very quickly, his face seeming perfectly fine after she had pounded it into the wall for a good half a minute.

_He was faking injury? I guess I could expect no less from Minato's teacher but…_

"Pervert!" With this she hit him full force into the wall again, and he was not so quick to get up.

Jiraiya grumbled miserably.

_Scary lady…_

**End Flashback**

They talked about Naruto for awhile, Minato going over his various missions and the boy's personal triumphs and failures throughout the years, information he was recently granted by Kami thanks to his heroics in saving her. They talked for a long time before being interrupted by a sinister sounding cough. How you can make a cough sinister is beyond me, but obviously not beyond the Shinigami, who had performed the act.

"Ah hello Minato-kun, Kushina-chan, it is a … _pleasure_ to see such love has not died throughout the years, really. I hate to break you two love birds up, but I have something I'd like to show you two, it is rare fight footage involving Minato-kun here and a very frisky fox-girl named Tsunade!" The Shinigami's face lit up, which was never a good sign for anyone who happened to be standing near him. Minato paled considerably, knowing exactly what was on that tape.

**Fight Begin: Minato versus Tsunade the Fox-girl**

The fox-girl said she just wanted to play; well it would appear she played rather rough. Half of his clothes had been torn off already and he had scratches all over him. The strangest thing about the scene, other than his desk being in pieces and paper lying everywhere, was somehow a majority of the cute and buxom fox-girl's clothing had been removed leaving her in nothing but her braw and panties. Minato found this most odd (and obviously uncomfortable considering he was a loyal married man) because he didn't remember touching her. This meant she had somehow torn them off of herself. Which meant that by "play" she was referring to…?

"Oh shit." Was all Minato had time to say before the fox-girl pounced towards him, her eyes glowing red and her features becoming more fox-like as she got more and more horny. She wanted some blonde-haired loving, and she was determined to get it. Minato dodged her at the last moment before she had attached herself to him. She looked at him and put on her best seductive smile and talked in a low voice.

"Minato-kun, I know you want me. What is there to worry about? It is nice and quiet, I know how to give a man a good time, I was taught rather well."

**Flashback**

_Think Kyuubi think, how can you get this psychotic daughter out of your hair for a few days, what could possibly distract her mind for that long._

The Kyuubi was in a bit of a fix you see, what you may or may not be aware of is the fact that he had quite the psychotic daughter who he admittedly did have a soft spot for, it just so happened that his own sanity was a priority over spending so called _quality_ time with his precious daughter, so he had to find a way to keep her busy and happy. Preferably away from him, if anyone was doing him any favors in this long, long life of his.

Peering over his vast library he found a book that was roughly forty-thousand pages in length. He handed it to his daughter who read the title and shrieked in glee before hugging her father and running away with her tail wagging in excitement.

Kyuubi wondered if he would ever regret giving his daughter "Sex: Everything you'll ever need to know. No, seriously, **everything** you will ever need to know."

…

Probably, but it was worth the peace and quiet in his den.

**End Flashback**

Minato gulped, not denying that the fox-girl was more than amply pleasing to the eyes, and he had always wondering what it would be like to have a fling. Then he remembered what it was like, he had one with his **wife**. She would not hesitate to wipe him from the face of existence if she ever found about any sort of "fling" with another woman, and she would find out.

**Flashback**

"Minato, where have you been, I was worried." Kushina was smiling pleasantly at her husband who had just walked in through the door. She had a knife in her hand, chopping up some vegetables for their lunch in a steady motion.

"I was out helping to train some new chuunin." In an instant the knife was pressed against Minato's neck, it still being held by Kushina.

"You are lying. Were you with another woman? I swear I'll cut your balls off right now!" Minato sweat dropped at his wife's aggressiveness.

"Well aren't you just a pleasant birthday girl. If you must know, I was out setting reservations for dinner tonight." Kushina took the knife from her husband's neck and smiled sheepishly.

"Oops."

**End Flashback**

"I am really glad you think of me that way Tsunade-chan, but as you should know I am married and-" He didn't get to properly finish his sentence, as he had stopped to tell the fox-girl his plea and she had taken this time to pounce on him, tumbling to the ground on top of him ravishing him with all of her furry fury. She locked her luscious lips onto Minato's, with as much passion as she could muster. Minato's mind was racing, trying to overpower the surprisingly strong fox-girl, whose body must have been pumping with adrenaline to be able to keep him down. Just as he was about to give up and succumb to the crazed sexual beast, he looked up at the ceiling (a really high ceiling, mind you) and saw a tag he had placed for his movement jutsu. He then remembered something very good.

He was a bloody genius.

Focusing on the seal he teleported to his seal on the roof and proceeded to teleport to the seal behind his desk, landing gracefully while leveling a hard glare at the fox-girl, who only smirked.

"Your eyes say no but your pants say yes!" Minato realized he had a giant bulge in his pants, and this would be a problem if he was to continue this fight.

_Think Minato, what is the most unattractive thing you've ever seen…_

**Flashback**

Minato had been training for hours and he finally decided to treat himself to a nice relaxing trip to the hot springs. He regretted it as soon as he opened the door and found a very naked Orochimaru relaxing for any who entered to see.

"Hello Namikaze-san, care to join me?" Minato promptly puked and left as quickly as he could, which was considerably quick.

Orochimaru sighed.

"All the pretty ones are straight."

**End Flashback**

In no time at all the once giant bulge was gone, and Minato's vomit was on the ground next to him.

_The sacrifices I make to keep my mind pure…_

Looking at his desk he saw his panic button and pressed it, and just in time as well, Tsunade had been within ten feet of him when the cage suddenly entrapped her and left her unable to get to her target, to the relief of said target.

Nick silently packed up his filming equipment and made his exit, sure this footage would serve him in a time of great need later.

**Fight End**

"Now Shinigami-sama, I am sure my lovely wife doesn't need to see a silly tape of a fight, don't you agree?" Minato was smiling very widely, hoping that his boss got the hint. Luckily for him he did get the hint, rather unluckily for him however the whole purpose of showing this tape in front of his wife was to embarrass and horrify him as much as possible, for his great amusement.

"I am sorry Minato-kun, but I believe this footage is relative to your wife's interests." With that he popped the video into the video player that had mysteriously appeared before them while Minato put face into his hands, wishing he was anywhere but here at this moment.

**Meanwhile, with Kisame…**

He had supreme empathy now for his fellow teachers. Itachi, a so called genius ninja, was failing on a massive scale to master simple thin razor wire techniques. Although he began to wonder if Itachi was faking his failures to simply get more dead bodies.

"Okay Itachi, with this one, you will want to lightly flick the wire across her arm. You are not using any lethal techniques today, just learning pinpoint accuracy, understood?" Itachi nodded and stepped up. He took in a deep breath and let it out before flinging the razor wire at the attractive and very curvy Cloud nin. Piercing her through the heart, killing her instantly. Itachi snapped his fingers and frowned slightly.

"Darn, I was so close that time too. Don't worry though, I'll keep the body in my room to save you the hassle of having to bury her, it was my mistake after all." With that he dragged the corpse to his room, where odd noises could be heard moments later.

Kisame's left eye began to twitch.

_Does he think he is fooling anyone?_

**Back with Minato and Kushina**

Kushina's body had gone rigid long before the footage (director cut with commentary from Nick and interviews with Tsunade the Fox-girl and Minato, really added a whole other level to the film) and her eyes were twitching.

"Minato-kun?" Minato gulped.

"Yes my darling?"

"Know that I forgive you." Minato sighed in relief.

"Now take me to the fox-girl so I can rip her heart out and eat it."

Minato blinked a few times while the Shinigami cackled silently, not wanting to draw attention to his delight over the woman's anger. Today had been a very good day, and it promised to only get better!

A/N: There, another chapter done. I read all of my reviews, and I find it satisfying people generally like and enjoy my fic, that's pretty awesome. I have no idea why this chapter was so heavy in Kushina content, actually I think I do. My mother was the person in the hospital this month and I have been worried about her still, I tend to try to find humor to escape my worries, so almost devoting a chapter to Naruto's mother shouldn't surprise me, given I started this fanfic due to a sudden fear of death one night.

Next chapter will feature one hell of a fight, and Asuma will probably pop in and say hi.

See you guys next time.

Also don't forget to comment on my Kurenai story idea, curious to see what my reviewers think.

Five updates in one month, I am spoiling you guys given how lazy and relaxed I usually am about updates, geesh.

Chris


	17. NonChapter 1: Chris Goes Insane!

One year later… You poor bastards. I am so, so sorry. I would say I will never do it to you again, but that would be a lie, or at least a promise I may not be able to keep. To be fair, my computer did lose my newest chapter two different times, but not the point. Since I have started this story so much has changed for me as a writer and as a person. I believe I have a far greater command over both of those aspects of my life than I did when I began. It becomes hard for me at times to look at this story without a bit of remorse. One of my fondest dreams is to become a successful fiction writer, and it is hard to do that playing with characters not your own. I recently wrote a bit of a side story to Yellow Flash – not intending to show this to you guys at all, it was for another project – but it seemed fitting to show it. The reason I bring this story up to you in the middle of this A/N is I put a lot of my own real emotions into it. The piece is part of a bigger story, and the part I will show you is only 1000 words or so. It wasn't so much a self insert as much as a fictional story about my mind and what happens when you warp the ideas you perceive as good and bad into humanized forms inside your own mind. If that doesn't make sense to you, you are one of my few readers who are still sane.

Anyway, I truly do regret not updating this story more – I really do love writing this story more than you may believe. I have such a passion for the stuff I create and this fanfiction is certainly among them. As in the story you are going to see before this chapter, I truly believe that while I may have borrowed the shell of many characters to finalize the reality of Naruto's after life, my imagination gave birth to a humorous adventure that I am proud of, no matter what some people may say. My only regret is I am still maturing as a writer, and couldn't give a better voice to it.

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy and serious, at least for me, note. I felt I owed it to my readers, even those that do not review. Knowing that so many people like my silly thoughts and weird stories is enough to make me smile, even on the worst days.

Enjoy the side story, featuring me and a certain blonde ninja, and look forward to a new chapter sooner rather than later.

**Side Story 1: Sir Chris gets a visitor**

When Chris awoke again he was in a dark room. His head was hurting him quite badly and his last memory was of the smiling face of that pretty woman before his vision faded. He registered that he was certain she was dead, although he did not know how he knew this. He wept openly, for how long he did not know. He felt a great sense of loss and felt very weak. He thought of the fleeting moments he had with the woman when something she had said clicked in his mind. She had put a "Sir" in front of his name, and it had been important when she did it. Like she suddenly decided to address him by his proper title, even if didn't think there was a reason for him to have that title at all. However, the more Chris thought about it the stronger he felt. Whereas he felt completely drained when he had awoken and pain wracked his body, now he felt as energetic as ever and the pain was no longer registering to him. The room was suddenly brighter and Chris turned towards the source of the light: A computer monitor that was mysteriously turned on although no outlet appeared.

Chris moved closer, hesitant for some reason. As he got closer he recognized what tit signified: It was a Blue Screen of Death, what happens when a computer fails and needs to be shut down safely in a forced manner. Reading the familiar text he raised an eyebrow; what was such a thing doing in the middle of a dark room? Before he could ponder the question further, a distant voice rang in his ear.

_Duck, you failure! _

Not taking the time to wonder just what it was he heard, he ducked before the voice ran through his head. A good thing he did, because seconds later the monitor along with what it had pictured was smashed to tiny bits. It was left lying on the floor as Chris whirled around to see what had caused it. Standing before him was a legendary figure in the annals of his mind: The Yondaime Hokage from Naruto, one of his favorite characters to play with when writing fanfiction.

Minato smirked at him, cocky as Chris had remembered him; yet at the same time the man's blue eyes looked quite dead as if he… was on a mission.

"Hello Christopher, we meet at last. You always found comfort in letting your humor and insecurity show through me whenever you wrote. I miss those days, I miss being able to roam free because your imagination roamed free with me. Why did you leave me to decay, Chris?" The Yondaime had anger in his eyes, and Chris was worried for his safety.

"I got tired of writing about another person's character. I wanted to write my own fiction-" Chris' explanation was cut short as the man teleported out of view briefly before coming into sight before Chris and kneeing him hard in the stomach, causing blood to spew from his mouth. Chris grimaced, yeah, this was the stuff of his imagination alright.

The Yondaime looked down at him with a look that rightly should have killed Chris.

"I was your character, you fool! Before you came along, I was a man who had spoken barely one hundred words and whose life and tales were past him! It was you who breathed life back into me! Gave me a personality, a purpose! Twenty years I have sat in your brittle mind, doomed to rot because of your pride! How could you do that to me? Didn't I help your fear of death? Didn't writing me and my cast of characters help you sleep at night? Would it have been too much to ask to have a show of thanks for all the support we gave you? What do you have to say for yourself?" Minato looked at Chris expectedly, showing the kneeling man that this was not a rhetorical question.

Chris knew Yondaime, or thought he did. The man before him was his creation after all, in a way. Born out of the rational fear of one's own existence, Chris sought comfort in the realm of fiction. However, instead of allowing others to comfort him, he took solace in his own imagination. He dreamt up a world that when you die you met an amusing blonde ninja who was still fighting the good fight and you moved on to a place you deserved. Far removed from the truth as this likely was, the man created from his mind was right: He had loved his fanfiction with all his might all those years ago; it had given him a sense of pride and accomplishment to know so many found humor and good times from his comforting himself.

However, the Yondaime would never have done something like this. The blonde before him had made multiple mentions to "rotting" and 'decaying", and since he obviously could still throw a good knee to the stomach, it had to have been his personality that was slowly fading to the darkness that wrapped itself around his entire mind.

"Minato, this isn't you. You are a just man. I am sorry that I abandoned you, you are right, I really did love my time with you. However, I have always dreamed of being a novelist, and if I could have created you without the shell of Naruto's father, I would have. You were brilliant, and I was so proud of myself to giving such life to such a simple shell. However, I knew it wouldn't work. I tried to simply change the name and write, but it wouldn't fit. I am so sorry for you, but I cannot apologize for trying to pursue my dreams." Chris hoped his sincere plea would reach the ninja in front of him.

Hope, it seemed, that would not be fulfilled.

Minato's eyes turned very cold as he pulled out a long curved blade, a katana if you will.

"Wrong Answer, Author of mine." He reached up to swing the blade at Chris but was stopped by footsteps approaching the now suddenly bright room.

**Scene End**

A/N: Don't be too worried, not exactly a cliff hanger, Minato, or at least the image of the angry Minato, is eventually banished from Chris' weary mind in a way that would simply confuse you if I posted the whole scene. I just thought you might get a kick out of this, because I am sure many of you have cursed me.

See you guys soon. Real soon.

Chris.


	18. the Shinigami is a Bastard

**A/N: **We meet at last, once again, and this time with an actual chapter. Not only a chapter, but a new type of chapter. For starters, this is the second biggest chapter by a whole six hundred plus words over the third largest, purely speaking of content, not including my lengthy and self absorbed notes. Secondly, this is a different type of beast in terms of writing style. I have done away with the tags that were all like "**Flashback**" and stuff and I want to see how my transitions and style works out this way. If you don't like the style, if you think it isn't crazy enough for your liking, there is only one way to let me know: Review the story and tell me. I don't actually have a preference either way I was just in more of a paragraph writing actual fiction mood as opposed to a more random mood I am in when I usually write these. It feels a lot different than any other chapter I've ever written too. This is the first chapter I have ever had a rough outline of what I was going to do before I did most of it, usually I free write whatever comes to my mind in the moment and go from there. While the outline was very rough and I did stray from it at times, it felt like my direction was a lot more concise than it usually is. Finally, I actually went back and read my own chapter before posting it, which I promise you is a first. I cleaned up some sentence structure, added a few lines, added a bit of funny too I think.

I usually never respond to reviews, but you know what? I took a year off from this, I think I can make an exception. Reaper Nanashi I'd like to say thank you for your kind and honest words. Yes, my imagination running away from me would not at all be surprising, and that side story, in its entirety, really scared some people, that was one of my more tame scenes. I mostly took your words to heart because I was a big fan of your fiction 'Door Number Two' and it always leaves me with a sense of honest wonderment that a writer I enjoyed so much also enjoys the stuff that my imagination cooks up. So thanks for that, I mean it.

XyoushaX wrote that I was the classiest troll he had ever seen on the site, which made me laugh. I get where he is coming from, but I promise you, I wasn't trying to troll.

Leafgrl-88 wrote "Dude… update already" I just thought you should know I considered that very rude of you when I read that, so if you ever read this, know you left a terrible first impression with someone.

Anyway that is all that stick out to me, and I don't want my note to be too stupidly long, even though I have a lot more to say to you guys.

Enjoy relapsing into the insanity that is my mind.

* * *

**Chapter 17: the Shinigami is a Bastard**

For the first time in the recorded history of the white room (or so I am now claiming, and to be fair, the recorded history of the room really, really blows in terms of accuracy) its description failed to encompass what was actually going on inside of it. That is not to say that the room was no longer white, there was still a lot of white in the endless vastness of its space, however failing to mention the color red in the name's description appeared to be a major oversight. Saying the color red also seemed to be lacking in descriptive force as well. There were reds that were almost pink in nature, and bright reds that almost sparkled if you looked at them from the right angle. The red in question today was far different, much darker and much thicker in texture. It was the red that spewed out of a petite little fox-girl as she had the insides ripped out from her. As you may have suspected, things that are named "insides" generally cease to function properly if they function at all if they are on the outside of one's body, this would be no exception.

A crazy and psychotic fox-girl may be high up on the list of dangerous creatures, but Uzumaki Kushina scorned was quickly proving to be far above such a creature on the food chain of life. As the fiery red head's fists kept pounding away at the fox-girl, and a sadistic look of glee settled onto her normally reserved and pretty features, the men in the room were left to wonder various degrees of wild and wholly inappropriate thoughts.

Zabuza wondered how Minato had ever tamed this particular shrew. While he knew better than to ever voice this thought out loud, lest he wanted to die again in a more painful way than the first time, it was a rather obvious question to ask. Minato was a scary man, no doubt about that, but the level of break neck insanity the man's wife was currently exhibiting even left him a bit dismayed. When you have managed to get a man who dismembered his best friend because he cut in the lunch line at age seven feeling sick to his stomach, that's raw carnage that you can be proud to have wrought.

Haku on the other hand was not disturbed in the least. Although his gentle nature was genuine, he had forced himself to deaden the emotions of revulsion and disgust a long time ago, well past the point that even the mass murdering Zabuza had managed to do. All that Haku could see reflected in the eyes of an injured and nearly dead fox girl was beauty. In his time in the spiritual realm, brief though it had been, he had become increasingly fascinated with blood and what it both symbolized and what it actually provided. The blood pouring out of her mouth and exposed mid section, the flesh that did not quite belong in the world of the dead paling ever so slowly… it was quite attractive.

See? Haku isn't gay; Haku has just lost his damned mind.

As for Minato, it was a fond reminder of some of their crazier younger days when Kushina would come home from particularly stressful missions and needed a release by any means necessary. Now, one might believe that being married to a bosom clad young lady such as Kushina would have been ample motivation enough for a young Minato to drop whatever he was doing and hop onto the love train, but alas that was simply not the case. The good natured blonde took his responsibilities as Hokage very seriously to the point that if he had important orders to send off or a vital mission report to read over he could not be parted with his desk no matter the circumstances. However, Kushina was not above using persuasion to get what she wanted out of her man.

It was shortly after Minato had taken the duties of Hokage on that Kushina burst through his door looking like a random animal in heat, ready to either pounce or be pounced upon. If Minato had noticed her depraved heaving of her chest (For the record, all eight of the ANBU hiding in the room guarding him certainly did with a mixture of interest and excitement – even the two women!) he gave no outward indication of such. His eyes were busily flying across page after page of paper work to glance up at his sweaty wife who had just arrived home from a rather routine although lengthy courier mission. Despite his absorption into his work even he could not miss when she slammed both of her palms onto his desk causing him to look up at her with a smile that could melt the strongest ice jutsu.

"Welcome home, sweetheart. I take it your mission went well?" The Yondaime grinned up innocently at his wife who immediately was put off by his care free attitude. She needed him a bit looser than that if she was going to work out her kinks from the mission. Taking a moment to ponder how best to unleash the yellow flash from within the wholesome and sometimes innocent body of Minato, she devised a simple plan.

Blunt Trauma!

She lunged at Minato in one swift movement. Minato did not have time to react as he let out a surprised yell before his wife's right fist smashed into his head, throwing him from the desk and against a wall, cracking it all along its length. While technically speaking this would have been an excellent time for ANBU members to come out of their positions and to make offensive measures against the woman who had just knocked silly their hokage, all of them appeared far too busy grabbing freshly made popcorn and drinks to be bothered with silly ideas such as doing their jobs properly.

Minato on his part remained still against the wall. His face bent down slightly as he soaked in everything around him to the minutest detail. Minato may be a lovable and very relaxed person, but you don't smack him that hard without getting his attention. After a quick glance to the person in front of him, his shoulders relaxed ever so slightly as he confirmed that he was looking at his wife and not some imposter. The fact of the matter was she just wanted to play rough.

Minato could do rough.

Kushina could be said to have formed a surprised 'o' for about a tenth of a second before Minato punched her straight in the jaw, sending _her_ flying back into the wall, however the wall did not crack at all. It shattered, causing Kushina to roll all the way until she hit the desk of Minato's secretary, who gave a startled cry before accessing the situation and sighing.

_Ah, young love. This is the seventh time this year…_

On the other hand, the person responsible for paying the people for all of these repairs was heavily considering pulling an Orochimaru and butchering some folks over this crap.

Kushina rubbed her jaw, muttering "jerk" and "did you have to hit so hard" while Minato calmly walked up to her.

"You know wife-chan; you don't always have to play rough with me to tell me you need to work out some frustration. Communication is the key to any working relationship." Minato smirked down at his wife whose face turned into a scowl. Minato was quite the magician when it came to words, and he knew he was pushing his wife's buttons. However, like most situations, he knew he was the one in control.

Suddenly, Kushina pointed behind her and shouted in an excited voice, "Look! A candy vendor!" Minato whipped around to fast in glee he did not notice Kushina walk right up to him and kick him right where it hurts the most.

Minato turned around slowly, tears in his eyes, as the emotion on his face was clear: He felt terrible betrayal. At that moment Kushina let her guard down, feeling as if she had made a grave mistake. That was when Minato struck with speed that surprised even me, and I am the guy that is writing about it!

Minato's hand grasped his wife's throat and shoved her into the nearest wall. Kushina felt the pressure of his large hand on her throat, but it wasn't a tight enough grip to cause her any major discomfort. The look in Minato's eyes let Kushina knew that play time was well past over.

When Minato spoke, the acid in his words could have killed the sun itself if the sun didn't have +5 to poison resist.

"You wench; you dare to invoke the holy candy vendor in your sick game? Your actions are most foolish, Kushina-san." His voice is cold and distant, his eyes narrowed and without remorse.

Now, at this point most people would have just taken a time out, begged for forgiveness, and moved on to a less hazardous venture. However Kushina had planned for this. She knew that her husband was not so easily tricked, and the fact that she had used a surprise attack would only infuriate him!

_Just as planned._

Needless to say the makeup sex was simply fantastic and Kushina worked out every one of those kinks that had been bothering her for close to a month now!

Back in the present, Minato looked at the scene of his wife mounting the fox-girl and laying waste to her with a growing sense of annoyance. Why couldn't she just finish it off already? At thinking this particular thought, Minato paused and reflected on what he had just thought.

_Why would I think that? That was very violent, especially for someone in a good mood…_

Minato had been in good spirits before just then, even if he was worried that his wife was going to behead the poor fox-girl. But that wasn't gelling with what he had just thought, he had wanted the fox-girl to be finished off in that one brief instant. Focusing for a moment, Minato realized there was something terribly off about the air around them.

Meanwhile the Shinigami started to get very nervous as Minato came to his senses awfully fast. He had thought his patented impulse powder would be unrecognizable in the torrent of rage and death that the man's wife was generating. The day had started so well, plotting the death of the spawn of Kyuubi, who was like the child Bob could never have. It had been so perfect, now it was all starting to go south. The Shinigami sighed, realizing that he knew what he was getting into the moment he recruited his precious Hokage to do his bidding. He clearly remembered making a huge list of pros and cons when it came to acquiring the Yondaime Hokage. Although that phrase is a bit misleading, for only the "cons" column was a huge list, which incidentally included such things as "probably is going to discover a way to rend my being from any plane of existence" and "has a prejudice against the color orange." The sole item for the pro side convinced the Shinigami to put aside his ninety-six reasons to not go through with the deal.

"It sounds like fun."

At the time the Shinigami had strutted around the afterlife for days like he owned the place instead of just the minor share he had swindled from a drunken eastern European god, years back. He was going to have a new loyal killing machine to have fun with, and there was clearly nothing at all that could ever go wrong with the arrangement that might endanger either him or any of his happy fun time plans!

Back in the present, the Shinigami took out a pair of oddly rimmed glasses and crushed them in his hand.

_The shaman said that these glasses would provide 20/20 hindsight, but even this tool was blind to such a situation as this._

If Minato worked out that the Shinigami had manipulated the blonde's wife to such a large degree just for kicks, the Shinigami knew he was going to have problems. It is all fun and games watching a man so out of the ordinary that he can break even the sacred rules of the afterlife down on a mere whim until you are the one he has his sights set on. This was not the time to introduce Minato to the powers to be, and it was not going to be done with the Shinigami's head on a platter, either. While humming along to the beat of Tsunade the Fox-girl's head being rammed into the floor, the Shinigami caught Minato's attention and motioned for him to stand by his side.

For some strange reason, as soon as the Shinigami did that Minato had a violent instinct to crush the Shinigami with all of his might. This, even more strangely, turned out to be unrelated to the impulse powder upon inspection later by the Shinigami.

When Minato had walked next to the Shinigami, death in the form of a twisted maniac spoke in a low voice so that only Minato could hear.

"Hokage-kun, I wonder if you have noticed these sudden impulses we are all feeling. It seems the daughter of the great and fearsome Kyuubi has filled the air with a chemical agent," The Shinigami spoke bluntly and with no hesitation in his words, the late night acting classes all those eons ago had paid off exceptionally well.

Minato on his part was not impressed. He quirked an eyebrow and stared hard at the Shinigami. The Death God sighed, rolled his eyes, and went for the dramatic. "You know Hokage-kun; I would expect someone who is well versed on the blood lust that the Kyuubi spawn induces upon its victim to be quicker getting his life partner away from it, who knows what kind of raging beast she may become if her tirade is left unchecked by her loving husband, who is that again?" Minato's eyes bulged as he turned away from his conniving boss and rushed to his wife to pull her off.

The Shinigami let out a sigh again, this one in relief. That boy was getting harder and harder to handle, plans were going to have to be made soon, and his influence over the blonde man was no longer holding his heroic spirit in check, how wonderful and scary all at the same time.

The Shinigami grinned in anticipation. The afterlife had been getting so very boring until his new champion showed up; perhaps he should be nicer to Bob sometimes, his twisted experiments paid off in unexpected ways at times such as this.

Speaking of twisted experiments, Tsunade the fox-girl had mercifully lost most of her feeling by the time that Minato had pulled his raging wife off of the girl's bloodied and mangled body. This settled several bets about if blood was limited in the afterlife the same way it was for the living. Given that about nine gallons of the stuff had been spewed out of the fox-girl's body by Kushina, the answer is that no, it is not limited.

Kushina tried to elbow her husband, her madness at its full height. However, if madness could overpower the fourth Hokage of Konoha, he would have been toppled in battle a long time ago.

His fist deftly caught the elbow point blank and his hand, arm, nor any part of his body even flinched at the impact. For a split second Kushina's eyes regained their intelligence as she realized what type of terrible monster of a man she had tried to strike. However the light soon faded as the insatiable rage took her over once more.

However, Minato was not going to allow any of that, his spoke softly to her, "Sleep, my love." Her eyes rolled back into her had as Minato adjusted himself to catch her limp body. He had used one of the most powerful genjutsu he knew to trick her mind into thinking she was in deep need of sleep or there would be dire circumstances, even a hazy mind must obey its instincts.

Securing her in his arms, Minato teleported away to Kushina's place. It was dark when he arrived and his eyes had a hard time adjusting after being in that terrible white space for a good bit of time. He stumbled around a bit, knocking Kushina's head into a few hard places, silently Minato thanked whoever had built Kushina for giving her an amazingly hard head. Finally navigating his way into his wife's bedroom, he gently set her down on her bed and tucked her in. She would be out quite a long time, resigning himself to watch over her he pulled up a chair and gingerly sat down in it, finally realizing how tense he had been until that very moment.

Minato was highly disturbed at the turn of events, although he had tried his best to disguise it in front of the Shinigami. After all of these years doing whatever the Shinigami wanted him to do, one way or another, he had not given very much thought into what exactly the Shinigami's goal with him was. The man, or being, or whatever the hell he was, was certainly malicious and vicious to an extreme. However, it was usually overlooked because Minato himself had his own agenda with the living world and if the Shinigami liked to torture the likes of Orochimaru, that didn't concern or worry him all that much. However the Shinigami had lied to him just now about why his wife was behaving in such a terrible manner, but to what end?

Minato's eyes drifted to his wife's face, her features now smoothed out and a look of peace on her face. Her breath was even, his genjutsu working perfectly. He snorted, knowing that it would work perfectly. Everything he did seemed to work out that way, perfect and without a hitch. It never seemed that way when the moment was upon him in his life and in his time in the afterlife, he always fretted and always pushed himself to make sure the results he wanted were accomplished. Was it talent that saw him through those situations or did the hard work pay off every time? Failure was not something that Minato experienced often, only once in fact. He would have given anything and everything to keep that fox away from his son; he could still remember the taint emanating from the beast as he sealed him in his son.

Resolving himself to be patient with the Shinigami, to learn as much as he could, the blonde ninja let out a breath he had not realized he had been holding. Quietly getting to his feet he leaned over his wife and kissed her gently on the forehead before exiting quickly through the front door.

_You should not have involved my family, Shinigami-sama…_

In the white space, the Death God felt a bad omen rise up inside of him.

He then farted.

_Ah gas, one of my better inventions. _

* * *

Kisame was getting pretty tired of Itachi's games. Again, and again, the man had found new and inventive ways to kill the test subjects he had gotten willingly.

Two weeks earlier, Itachi was practicing one of the more advanced thin razor wire torture methods with three women from water country when it had mysteriously gone awry.

This thin razor wire trick involved a tree with branches about thirty feet off the ground, a twenty foot string of wire, and four victims.

"Now, Itachi, the point of this is to rip their hair out by sending chakra through the wire to reinforce it and wrapping it around the tree and guiding it to their hair, then yanking as hard as you can, hopefully, if done right, the hair will rip right from the scalp, causing an extreme amount of pain and duress." Itachi waved Kisame off dismissively, as if he understood perfectly. Kisame was not pleased.

"Damnit Itachi, you keep messing this up! You are supposed to be a genius, I have a feeling you are killing these people on purpose." Itachi tilted his head to the side and looked right into Kisame's eyes as he casually threw the wire over the tree and be-haired the three kunoichi expertly in one swift motion, causing them to scream in agony.

Kisame had to admit, that was very impressive.

"I am sorry for doubting your sincerity Itachi." Kisame's voice was stiff and carried very little apology in it. Itachi, for his part, smiled creepily as the world faded around Kisame and he lost his balance, stumbling to the ground.

It was then that he realized he had been in Itachi's pocket dimension the moment he had made eye contact with the young prodigy.

"I put up with you Kisame-kun out of a fondness for the color blue as well as our shared goals. However, if you ever talk to me in that manner again or question my efforts towards learning new techniques the remnants of your shattered mind will not be enough to properly mold play-doh, much less chakra." Itachi's voice had gone monotone and his eyes were spinning fiercely. Kisame blinked and he was back in the real world, the test subjects and Itachi both long gone from the area, if his senses were as keen as they ever were.

Back in the present Kisame was fiddling with some razor wire trying to figure out what he could do about Itachi. The man kept insisting that he be taught the tricks of the trade. Kisame was frustrated, thin razor wire techniques were supposed to be fun, not damned to be a tool for an insane man.

…

Well, an insane man besides himself, of course.

Out of the corner of his eye the shark themed man saw a squirrel scurrying in the grass. Deciding that it would be mildly amusing to see a squirrel run around with its head literally cut off, he casually flicked the razor wire at the small creature. At that moment, the unexpected occurred.

The wire slipped from Kisame's hand and it nicked him in his index finger, causing him to yelp quietly in surprise. He looked down at his finger in shock. This had never happened before, his weapon of choice, the razor wire he had loved all of his life, had betrayed him. His mind drifted to the day he had first encountered his favorite toy.

Kisame was six years old, and mocked by many in his small village for his pale skin and sunken face. His mother, a beautiful woman with an even more beautiful heart, was thrown out of the major city for harboring a supposed monster. She did not care, however, as she would teach her son the family techniques.

"Kisame-chan, come to mommy, it is time for you to begin your ninja training." A smiling Kisame ran over to his mother and hugged her knees in joy. Kisame sure loved his mother a whole lot.

Kisame's mother took out a piece of wire from her pocket and gently laid it in Kisame's hand.

"Be careful, this wire is very sharp and dangerous, however it is also a useful tool of our clan. Allow me to demonstrate."

With a flick of her wrist she cut a branch off of a tree, to the delight of her son, and to the amusement of a strange man standing twenty feet away.

"My, my, what a wonderful razor wire trick you have there, woman-chan." A man in a Kage outfit clapped his hands together. Although his voice did not convey any emotion other than wonder, the sound of his hands clapping together seemed to be a mockery in and of itself.

"You should learn to address people by their proper name, Mizukage-sama, my name is", her voice was interrupted by the man, who had closed the gap and grabbed her by the throat. He was smiling but his singular eye was spinning rapidly in fury.

"Silly woman, dead people's names aren't worth my time to remember." Turning away from the paralyzed woman he looked down at Kisame and smiled fondly.

"Excuse me little boy, may I borrow that wire you have to kill your mother?" Kisame did not remember agreeing, but he did remember the man thanking him before he hung his mother by razor wire and ushering him away as his mother's strangled screams could still be heard.

Kisame came back to the present, a hardened look on his face. Since that day, the Mizukage had trained him in the art of thin razor wire, and even conceded that Kisame's mastery of it had now surpassed even his own. Looking down at his still bleeding finger, he snarled and threw the razor wire to the side, which beheaded the squirrel he was aiming for earlier, although he took no notice.

Itachi thought razor wire was a joke, and his attitude, but he would pay. Yes, they would all pay!

Watching invisibly a few feet away, Itachi grabbed another handful of pop corn and shoved it into his mouth.

"Man, this is great stuff. Here I thought my foolish little brother was emo, but Kisame really is making a run for ' most emo person I know', surprising as that may be. Popcorn, Tobi?" Itachi shifted the bag to his right as the man in a matching black cloak gave him a blank face look that clearly said "I am not amused."

Itachi shrugged.

"Your loss, this stuff is good." Itachi went to get more out of the bag but Tobi swatted the bag away, his mask opened to unveil the Sharingan lurking behind it. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Madara-kun, you have the Sharingan, real impressive. You have shown me, a man who has two of them, who is clearly the boss here." His voice dripped with sarcasm, and Madara's eye narrowed in hatred.

"You are starting to draw attention to us, Itachi. Your debauchery must be stopped, or else." Madara's voice brooked no argument. Thankfully for all involved, Itachi didn't even know the proper context of the word "brooked".

The serene air never leaving his surroundings, Itachi spoke quietly to the man sitting across from him.

"Listen well, Madara-kun. You may be able to fool other people, but you cannot fool me. Most of your power is gone, and even though my eyesight is fading and my health is diminishing, it does not take much from me to make sure I finish what the first Hokage started." Itachi's head tilted once more and his eyes were narrowed. That was a class A threat if there ever was one. Getting up, muttering about the fantastic show being ruined, he teleported away from Madara, who put on his mask and crossed his arms in thought.

_So basically I have a reckless family member who hates me, a loyal follower who doesn't know he is a loyal follower and has mommy issues, a man who uses dead corpses as his new bodies, a woman who wants to bang that last guy so bad that it is a tragedy in its own right, a man who thinks he is immortal and is a god of his own making, and a bounty hunter who is only impressive in the fact that he has managed to be older than I am. This is the force that is supposed to help me put the world in my grasp?_

…

_Yeah, I think it is time for an exit strategy. _

* * *

The Shinigami's tattered robes billowed behind him as his ghastly face was set into the most horrifying scowl imaginable. In truth, he was frowning in annoyance, but if you ever saw the Shinigami you'd know he looks terrible no matter the face that he is making. He was frowning because he had an interview with the lead candidate to make Uchiha Sasuke's life a living hell, at least, until he was able to get his hands on him personally so he could make his afterlife a dead hell. It would involve a lot of fire, pain, and fan girls. Oh yes, fan girls were a must.

The Shinigami cackled evilly, his evilness impressing even his own overly inflated ego. Calming himself after a moment, he entered his office to an unexpected sight. It was a cat-girl, these were not exactly everyday occurrences.

The girl bounced out of her seat, bringing her ample cleavage with her, and stuck out a hang for the Shinigami to shake, which he took firmly in his hand.

"So I see the talent agency brought someone special for my request then?" The Shinigami's eyes lit up in delight as the cat-girl smiled blithely.

"Yes, indeed. I have been doing this sort of work for many years now, and as you can see here," pausing for a moment she pulled out a thick file and handed it to the Shinigami, "I have been given full marks on all of my jobs before this, and I have special commendations in the area of creative cruelty." The Shinigami thumbed through the large file, impressed by the body of work, and as he snuck a look at the raven haired cat-girl in front of him, he was also impressed by the work that was her body.

_I think I need to spend less time around the Sandaime Hokage, he is starting to turn me onto the pleasures of the flesh, which is never a good thing to be turned on to._

Coughing discreetly (which did not fool the cat-girl at all, as her file said, she was sharply observant) the Shinigami smiled kindly (read: snarled fiercely) at her.

"You are hired. What is your name? Can't exactly just point and say 'hey you.'" The cat-girl smiled, her dimples showing off prettily.

"My name is Bertha." At the name the Shinigami quirked an eyebrow, clearly asking the question without needing to convey it in words. Bertha sighed, obviously uncomfortable with the subject.

"My parents taught me everything they knew about cruelty, starting with how to haunt a person by a mere name." The Shinigami rubbed his chin thoughtfully, clearly impressed with her upbringing.

"So, Bertha, when can you start? " Bertha smiled wickedly at this, which caused the Shinigami to beam down at her.

"Whenever you want this miserable excuse for a boy to begin his eternal torment, sir."

The Shinigami got out a pen and paper, "I'll write that down as 'Tuesday', then."

If he wasn't such a douchebag, one might feel a bit sorry for Sasuke. Alas, no one had to worry about such a scenario happening any time soon.

* * *

Minato sat behind his desk, sharpening his pencil in a manual pencil sharpener while he viewed the file in front of him. With his wife safe, and the blood trail of the now dead in every sense of the word fox-girl, the white space was starting to get back to normal, or whatever passed for normal around here. Zabuza sat a few feet away standing guard, or as Minato had told him, being quite the overcompensating secretary. Minato finished sharpening his pencil and wrote cleanly in a header of the file "Sarutobi Asuma" and sat the pencil down. His vision shifted to the queue button next to his left hand, which had a digital "1" on it, signifying, you guessed it, one person was waiting to be dealt with.

_Tch, the good ones do die young, it is a sad sight to see._

With a sigh, Minato pressed the button and Asuma entered the white space.

Cigarette smoke filled the air as Minato took in Asuma's scruffy look. This was the son of his mentor and fellow Hokage, a man who had barely been a teenager the last time Minato saw him. As Minato was measuring Asuma up, Asuma was doing the same to the Yondaime Hokage. A brief spark of both recognition and surprise came into Asuma's eyes and were gone as quickly as it had come.

_Namikaze Minato, now there's a face I thought I'd never see again, even in death. _

Asuma took the cigarette out of his mouth and tossed it to the ground, stamping it out with his boot.

"Well," Asuma began, his voice relaxed and his demeanor overly calm, "I know what I am doing here, I got impaled by an insane idiot who impaled himself to impale me, what are you doing here?" Minato's eyes crinkled up as he answered the question.

"I've got bills to pay, yo." Asuma narrowed his eyes for a moment before he burst into a hardy laugh at his former boss.

"I see death has not slowed down your sense of humor any, Yondaime-sama." Minato beamed at the astute observation and motioned for Asuma to sit down across from him. Which he did, although he glanced at Zabuza on his way to his seat in confusion.

"Hey, isn't that…" He pointed to Zabuza, the question obvious.

"Ah, yes. That is my secretary, Zabuza. Say hi to the nice man, Zabuza-chan!" Zabuza's eye twitched at both the title of secretary and the honorific at the end.

"I am your assistant, Hokage-sama, _assistant._" Zabuza stressed the last word with all of the vehemence he could muster.

Minato merely smiled coyly at the man.

"You know, if you had any self-confidence, my jabs wouldn't affect you so much, you should see someone about that." Asuma snorted, trying to disguise it as a cough as Zabuza leveled a glare at the blonde ninja that would have made the Shinigami himself proud.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, that's it for now. I don't know when I will be able to update next, I have a feeling it will be before a year is up again, but probably not before the new year as my plate is very busy with the holidays. The next chapter is likely to include more with Asuma, Minato meeting some people way beyond his paygrade, and Sasuke bashing on such levels that it will make every fan girl who reads it weep in genuine sorrow. Just how the Shinigami intended!

Thanks for reading, thanks for still caring (because if you read this after a year and have any excitement left in your body, I really like your enthusiasm) and don't forget to review because it is important to tell me if you like the change of style or not, be honest!

See you guys later.

Chris


	19. Tobi is a Good Boy

A/N: So here I was thinking, "you know what would be a really amazing plot twist? Updating the day after I deliver my first chapter in over a year!" Then I was like "Man, you are such a genius, all you would have to do is actually write it." So I decided to do just that. Between you and me, the first scene with Madara was supposed to be much longer, and it still will be, but I had to only post the first part of his "exit strategy" otherwise the chapter would have been almost nothing _but_ that, and I don't like chapters like that. I don't have a whole lot to say to you guys because I just talked to you yesterday, but I will respond to some reviewer comments.

Link Fangirl01: I hope I bashed Sasuke enough for you, and do not worry, you did not pester me in the slightest, and I am quite hard to pester in general. I must say, I was quite humbled by your compliment of "You have got to be one of the best authors on this site, thoroughly amazing writing style." Thank you for that, it put a real pep in my step.

Litewarior4: Well, you said this is a funny story (thank you) and then you said it'd lose its greatness if I don't update. Very true. I see you put me in your alert list, so this will be a pleasant surprise for you, I hope you enjoy it.

Slingshot: Always good to hear from you, always good. I saw some of what you said and I tried to fix it a bit in this chapter by being less blocky in my sentence structure, if you know what I mean. This felt much more like a Sir Chris chapter than a "Chris is trying to make this really professional" chapter, tell me what you think. I also added in a few bold flashbacks just because I think they convey a unique sense of humor and speed of wit that cannot be conveyed otherwise by my feeble mind.

Anyway, with that out of the way, enjoy the chapter!

* * *

**Chapter 18: Tobi is a Good Boy**

Uchiha Madara, raving mad man, guy who just refused to die and all around S ranked jerk backed away from his black board and rubbed his neck that was stiff from the stress of creating this plan of his. It had seemed simple when he was filled with rage at the arrogance of the latest in the long line of Uchiha, Uchiha Itachi, but put into cold reality getting rid of his subordinates could prove much harder than he had previously imagined.

He missed the good ole days.

**Flashback**

"OK, so you stole four coppers worth of bread. I sentence you to eternal Mangekyo torment." Madara's eyes spun as the eight year old boy entered the genjutsu world from which he would never return.

"Hey, brother, aren't you worried that using your eyes for such petty reasons could backfire?"

Madara thought about it for a moment.

"Nah, I just can't see that happening. I mean, it isn't like there are any drawbacks to having such powerful eyes, right?"

**End Flashback**

Sighing from the memory, he started again on his messy plot to take down his group from within without any of them being any the wiser.

He started with the most dangerous member of his little moon plan committee, Uchiha Itachi. Although in declining health and enduring terrible amounts of stress due to his eyesight leaving him, one wrong glance into his eyes still spelled an end for everyone in the group save for the monstrous Pain, but more on him later. Itachi reminded him a great deal of himself in his younger, more carefree days. He had those rugged good looks, and his threats were classic in their effectiveness and deadpanned nature. He could not ask for a better pupil aside from that whole "dying and has been looking for ways to screw me over for nearly a decade now" thing. He really wished he hadn't passed down that "totally have no problems screwing over family members for personal reasons" gene to the rest of his bloodline, it made things awkward at family gatherings.

Madara sighed, wishing for once that his ambition stopped at a certain point. Then again, when you wanted to enslave the entire human race via a top secret evil control scheme a certain amount of reckless ambition seemed to be in order.

Madara had found Itachi on the ground years back, his body rigid and his eyes lost. There were specks of blood over his clothing, and from the look of the young raven haired boy none of that blood was his. Madara observed the boy from the shadows for a long time before deciding to have some fun with the brat. After all, Madara was no fool; he had quickly recognized the young boy in front of him as a member of his clan, one that he had just helped slaughter his entire clan! Boy that had been fun. He was a skilled ninja, certainly. Not skilled enough to detect him, of course, but probably close.

Madara pondered for a moment what evil and oh so amusing deed he could perform on his distant relative. Giving it its proper due in his mind, he thought it best to leave it to chance. Pulling out his mini wheel of evil deeds**(Note end of chapter for explanation) he gave it a spin, it eventually slowed after a few passes through the many options until it landed on "manipulate him to join my Saturday book club group that I planned to kill eventually when they had suggested enough good books to keep me occupied." That wheel had quite small text, and it was glad you noticed, thank you very much.

Taking a moment to adjust his black and orange mask perfectly over his face, he made his approach to the young Uchiha disturbingly noticeable. Seeing a slight twitch in the boy's shoulders, he was glad he had made it obvious enough.

Itachi, for his part, had tensed his shoulders on purpose. What Madara did not know was Itachi had eight degrees in "detecting douchebags from behind" from Konoha ANBU corps.

Itachi moved in a flash, his blade already moving towards the stranger's throat.

Madara easily blocked the blade and twisted Itachi's arm behind his back, causing Itachi to grunt in pain.

_Why, these young upstarts, back in my day…_

**Flashback**

A much younger Uchiha Madara sat in the middle of a make shift class room bored out of his mind.

The Uchiha-sensei, more arrogant than the most arrogant person you probably know, continued his lecture.

"Now, Razor-Wire String Theory states that for a wire to be fully controllable the chakra inside of it needs to be molded at precisely the right density on conjunction to the properties of the wire, If you even are off by-" Madara's attention wavered, this crap was never going to be important.

Flashing forward for a moment, we see Madara on a bridge barely held together and his fiancée, a very attractive Uchiha, in the middle of the bridge looking frightened.

"Quickly my love! Calibrate the razor wire in your hand to strengthen it so that I may grab on to it!" Madara heard her, but had no idea how to do what she asked.

_I feel like this was covered in the Uchiha academy somewhere, but I can't quite remember where…_

Five seconds later the only love of Uchiha Madara's life fell to her death.

"Son of a bitch!" Madara was not pleased. It was time to enter a mode of self repentance where he thought over his life choices carefully and came out a wiser man.

His eyes suddenly narrowed evilly, however.

_Or perhaps I can start an aimless war against the Senju and convince my entire clan that it was their idea, and I was merely the helpless leader who was forced to go along with it._

Madara's eyes crinkled in happiness.

It was fun being the best sometimes.

Back to that class room Madara was almost asleep when his teacher banged his wooden stick into the desk causing Madara to involuntarily take his kunai and shoving it into the teacher's throat, causing him to fall to the floor grasping at his fatal wound, his blood pouring onto the floor.

Madara yawned and looked down at the man, a look of honest surprise on his face.

"I guess I did learn something from you, sensei. Well done." Madara smiled as his teacher died.

**End Flashback**

Back to his encounter with Itachi, Madara scoffed at how weak Itachi's supposed surprise attack had been. Back in his day that would have severed his own neck. Granted, that wasn't actually possible given the circumstances, but damnit, that blade would have passed through his neck at least!

"Itachi-kun, do you always greet your elders with such disrespect? We are really going to have to see your parents about this disrespect- Oh wait, we killed them last night, and I knew something had slipped my mind." Itachi tried to squirm out of Madara's grip in fury at Madara's offhand mention of the murder of his parents. Madara simply crinkled his remaining eye in happiness at seeing the fire behind Itachi's eyes fade with realization that he was outclassed for the moment.

"Now that you are done failing at being an awesome ninja, I am here to invite you to my book club, named Akatsuki, we meet every Saturday at daybreak, that is now I thought of the name. Please have a book suggestion every week. _Or else._" Madara's eye turned murderous as he put a little extra feeling behind the last word he spoke.

Itachi mentally sighed.

_I kill hundreds of my clan and I still have a son of a bitch crazier than I am as a relative…_

Back in the present Madara tapped his piece of chalk on the board trying to think of a proper demise for Itachi. Suddenly he smiled as he drew a line between Itachi's name and Sasuke's on the opposite of the black board and circled Sasuke's name. Brother versus brother, and Itachi would not have the heart to kill his little brother, for some reason or another.

**Flashback**

It was about a year or so before the Uchiha massacre, Itachi had just got home from a training mission and went to greet his brother when he found him humping a training dummy.

"I love you daddy, I love you daddy, please love me back!" The high pitched screams of the youngest Uchiha were torture to Itachi's ears just as the physical assault on that poor dummy was an assault to the prodigy's eyes.

Itachi smacked Sasuke upside the head, causing Sasuke to dismount the training dummy.

"Bad Sasuke! Bad!" Itachi smacked Sasuke again with a rolled up newspaper, causing Sasuke to whimper pathetically.

"Go! Go to your room!" Sasuke looked down and whimpered away, quietly crawling into a little house like building a few feet away and resting on his belly, looking up at Itachi with sad eyes.

Itachi eyed Sasuke again.

"Bad!"

Sasuke whimpered again.

**End Flashback**

Madara didn't give Itachi's loyalty to his brother much thought, only knowing that it existed and that worked into his plans.

Opening up his newly purchased book, "Fratricide: How you can be the only child your parents ever wanted" he took down notes on Sasuke's behalf.

_One can never be too prepared for dominating the world..._

_  


* * *

_

"So this one time Shikamaru and I were discussing Naruto, and I had dismissed Naruto as lucky in many of his fights and Shikamaru gave me a look that I would have expected him to give Ino before me." Asuma burst out in laughter, recalling the memory fondly. Minato smiled, glad Asuma, much like the man's father, had the ability to laugh at himself.

"In his sternest voice he goes, 'Asuma-sensei, I can't believe how reckless that is of you. You should realize what Naruto lacks in book smarts he more than makes up for in on the fly strategy. I wish I had that type of ability, it would make avoiding people who wanted to disturb my cloud watching so much easier.' I was honestly surprised; Shikamaru usually avoids discussing other people's intelligence because it tends to show his own a bit more than he is comfortable with. That was when I took an extra strong notice in Naruto. Any person who is able to impress Shikamaru when it comes to battle tactics is someone who should have an eye kept on them. "Asuma had been talking to Minato for hours now, about various subjects, from Sasori's eternal torment, to Naruto, all the way to talking about life in general. Minato found that the conversation was very easy to settle into and it didn't hurt that Zabuza was steaming off in a corner somewhere.

Minato was about to bring up something when the Shinigami appeared out of thin air looking quite distressed. The last time the Shinigami looked distressed in front of Minato it had involved eight realities collapsing due to a typo he had made on some paper work.

"Ah, good, he has not arrived yet. Most good indeed." The Shinigami spoke quickly and with nothing short of a panic in his voice. Minato wordlessly opened a portal and motioned Asuma through it, shooting him a look that said he'd explain himself later. Nodding, Asuma did a short salute leaving Minato and the Shinigami alone.

"Shinigami-sama, what exactly is the problem?" For once, Minato thought it was appropriate to not use sarcasm when speaking; the Shinigami was bad enough to deal with when the death god seemed to be calm.

The Shinigami turned towards Minato and sighed, as if resolving himself to something.

"I have just been given word that my supervisor believes now is a good time to stop by and pay you a visit. This is not good." Minato tilted his head in confusion, noting that the Shinigami really did seem genuinely worried about this for some reason. The Shinigami was usually one to fake such sentiment for amusement, but it was a bit troubling if he actually meant it.

"Well, I can't see how he can be any worse than you, boss." OK, so maybe that whole "speak sincerely" thing wasn't going to go as well as Minato would have liked.

The Shinigami just let out a hollow laugh, however.

"Oh, you'll see."

"He'll see what, Shinigami-kun?" The Shinigami went rigid as a monotone voice from behind him spoke up.

Minato shifted his body to the right to see an extremely ordinary man in a business suit with a pair of glasses on. He seemed ordinary enough.

Turning back to the Shinigami, Minato spoke quietly, "He doesn't seem so bad, why does he spook you?"

"He read every single Twilight book in one sitting without pausing and he didn't even flinch through the entire series. Not even once! Such a man is beyond my league when it comes to torture and pain." Upon hearing this Minato pulled out a pair of glasses from his pocket and put them on. He then proceeded to take them off very slowly.

"My God…" Minato whispered in terror.

The man coughed politely and sat his brief case down on Minato's desk and opened it up, revealing several files neatly organized within.

"While the sensationalism of the glorious Death God is always clever and it is good to see his employees work well under the constraints in which he places them, he is not required for this meeting, as it is strictly between myself and Minato-kun here, so if you want you are free to leave at any time, Shinigami-kun." Even before the sentence had finished, the Shinigami had disappeared from sight, which caused the middle-aged looking man to chuckle.

Turning to face Minato, the man spoke.

"You must forgive Shinigami-kun; he does not know how to deal with things that he can't control, despite his best efforts. He has tried to rend me from the universe on several occasions, to no avail. I think he believes I am going to dismiss him from his post, or that I am secretly waiting for a moment to strike him down. What a silly guy he is." His voice was passive and his stance rigid, like a man who had been stuck in middle management all of his life. Unlike the Shinigami, he radiated nothing at all. He was perfectly in control.

Yeah, Minato understood quickly why the Shinigami wanted no part of this man.

"So, Shinigami's boss, what can I do for you today?" The man chuckled once again, he seemed to be easy to amuse.

"I have noticed that one of my followers seems destined to make a trip your way very shortly. I am here to drop off some paperwork for when the time comes. He has a contract with me, one which he has failed to complete. It is incomplete as of right now, missing most of the personal information and notes that you yourself can make when the time comes. I just wanted to take the time to get this done in advance, it really helps with the process, eases the load on both of us, Minato-kun." The man smiled pleasantly as he wrote a few quick notes on a paper inside of the file he had pulled from his case before shutting it and sitting it on the corner of Minato's desk.

"Well", the man shut his brief case and looked ready to depart, "It was nice meeting you Minato-kun, and I hope you have a good day." Before he could leave Minato called out to him.

"I never got your name."

The man chuckled again, this time with a hint of something darker in it.

"No, I suppose you didn't. You may call me Jashin, Minato-kun." With his name out in the open, he faded from the white space.

Minato stood in place for a moment, trying to remember where he had heard that name recently.

When the blonde ninja remembered even Zabuza who was currently in a foul mood himself shuddered at the amount of intent to kill that Minato flooded through the white space.

Minato himself was at his desk smiling cruelly, a look that was very unnatural to his face.

_I see Akatsuki isn't lasting as long as I had expected, what great news, hahahaha…._

The saying goes that you don't mess with a man's family. However, one has to wonder what type of saying there would be for messing with a man's family when that man is going to decide how you spend your eternity? I think it would go something like "You are screwed."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

* * *

Itachi whistled almost happily as he entered the Akatsuki compound carrying a large bag behind him, dragging it as he went. Itachi was about to enter his quarters when Konan, as nimble as ever, swooped down on a paper rope and landed right in front of his door. Itachi's eyes did not lose their focus as he met Konan's gaze steadily.

"What is in the bag, Itachi-kun." Konan did not seem to ask a question, despite the words she used. She knew exactly what was in that bag.

Itachi answered, despite knowing what she had implied.

"I don't see how it is any of your business, it is personal." Itachi moved to pass Konan to his door when one of Pain's bodies suddenly blocked the way, leveling a hard stare at him.

"I do not like repeating myself, Itachi-kun." This time there was a smile adorning Konan's beautiful face as she waited for him to open the bag.

Itachi grunted, dropped the bag, and motioned for Konan to take a look.

Eying Itachi while she moved, she knelt to the ground and opened the bag to find-

"…Pocky?" Konan asked, completely bewildered.

"Yes, I enjoy the treats immensely. I was just on an errand to stock up on my monthly supply. I can share if you like." Saying this, he picked up a coconut flavored pocky and handed it to Konan in a most kind fashion.

Konan had the awareness to blush at the situation.

"T-thank you, Itachi-kun." She opened up the treat and took a bite.

_Quite delicious!_

"If that will be all, Konan-san, I would like to retire to my room now." Konan nodded, enjoying her treat.

Pain looked to Konan sucking on the stick to Itachi who closed the door to his room.

"Damn." The giant Pain muttered.

Itachi, on the other side of the door, breathed a sigh of relief that Konan hadn't bothered to reach into the bag and discovered the body. He had picked himself up two tasty treats today!

* * *

Bertha was hanging upside down from her tail in Sasuke's room, taking notes about the moody young ninja as he brooded alone in the corner. She was quite mystified about how someone as pathetic as Sasuke was even still alive. All he did was brood in the corner, go to train, have a bite to eat, and then return to brood. Bertha hated to admit it, but there would need to be a paradigm shift in Sasuke's life if he was going to get it worse off than what he already had it.

Taking a moment to pull the Shinigami's prepared scouting report out, she looked it over for any hints or clues as to what she could do.

_Sasuke is a natural introvert who has several emotional issues which are evident to see as soon as you see him. What could be hard to grasp due to the nature of his surroundings, that is being surrounded by men who have an odd fondness for touching each other, is that Sasuke has an extreme aversion to women who like him, willing to do almost anything to avoid such a situation._

Bertha giggled in delight, this was perfect. All she had to do was engineer a situation where Sasuke would be forced to rebel against his screwed up master and give her more room to manipulate him into being as unhappy as possible.

Transforming into spirit form, Bertha entered Sasuke's mind.

And that is the only female action Sasuke is getting any time soon.

Currently Sasuke was having a dream. It was fairly simple: in it he was stabbing Itachi repeatedly with a knife over and over. A simple dream for a simply little boy, nothing wrong with that. Although all of the blood and gore lining the walls of the dream room probably didn't leave much of a good first impression on Bertha who looked around in delight.

_The crazier they are to start, the crazier they become when I am done! Kukuku_

Taking in the scene of murder and mayhem in front of her, she grinned, it was always nice and easy to manipulate someone who was filled with so much pent up rage before she even had a chance to start.

_Murder to rape, easy as 1, 2, 3!_

Sasuke's vision suddenly changed from the pleasant one of mutilating Itachi over and over to Orochimaru appearing in front of him naked. In a moment of excellently timed synergy, both Bertha and Sasuke vomited at the same time.

"Kukuku, hello my little snake boy. Come to Orochimaru, show me your manly powers!" bertha winced as Orochimaru began to grope Sasuke, who was not able to resist in any way. Due to Bertha's powers now dominating the dream.

A very long two hours later, Sasuke awoke from his sleep screaming at the top of his lungs and wishing to whatever god that would listen that he could forget that ever happened. Only one god was listening, and he was too busy cackling evilly to pay much heed to the desperate prayers.

After Sasuke had calmed down he had a new objective: To prevent that from ever happening again. There was only one way to do that: To kill Orochimaru.

Bertha clapped her hands, very pleased with herself.

Meanwhile, the Shinigami spit out his drink. He couldn't believe it. Despite Orochimaru being mortal, the person who had indirectly lead to Sasuke killing Orochimaru was in actuality… himself?

The Shinigami frowned deeply, and somewhere a baby exploded from the action.

Jashin, on the other hand was sipping his vodka with a pleased expression on his face.

_Just as planned._

_

* * *

_Foot Notes:

** It is a matter of no small debate which wheel of misfortune, doom, torture, evil deeds, or whatever other name they generally went by came first. Many years past the end of both the life and times of Naruto and this story in and of itself, Madara and the Shinigami would argue to no end who had come up with this idea first. While neither party would budge on the fact that they had invented the wheel first*** both generally came to the conclusion that regardless of who actually came up with the idea their time was better served using it on Orochimaru, to the delight of everyone not named Orochimaru.

***A subject of far less debate because the answer is both obvious and near unspeakable, neither actually came up with the idea on their own. It is clear to any decently informed observer that both of them had found the idea through someone who actually had creative talent and through a series of murder and or mass manipulation had been given the use of the inventions on a more permanent basis than anyone would ever have liked.

A/N: Two updates in two days, I honestly don't know what came over me. I don't think I was really done writing when I posted that chapter yesterday, I just had a big chapter already and nothing really seemed to linger. When I get in the mood, and I have a complete free day like today was, it allows me to write a lot and get a lot done. You guys know well enough now that you can't expect steady updates from me, but hopefully this was a welcomed surprise to all my readers who had to endure a year wait for one chapter, this is just a slightly shorter wait time!

I hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading.


	20. Hidan Won't Be Giving Thanks This Year

A/N: Hey guys, what's up? This chapter was written in a sixteen hour span from first word to last word, just going to show you that I really don't have much of an excuse not to update this given the type of stuff I can pull off when I dedicate a day to it. Three chapters in a week's time + completely redoing chapter one, this is the type of speed I can't keep up but hey, it is fun while it lasts, right? This chapter features the return of pissed off Minato, which I believe to be a fan favorite. Madara basically is just exploding into my creative mind right now, and he really 'carried' the last two chapters in terms of letting me be creative around him and then expanding the chapter from there, so props to Madara for picking it up.

Now to respond to reader comments, since I don't have a whole lot to banter about given my short update time, and then the chapter!

Litewarior4: Ok, not deleting note so that you can review this chapter, but you better put your heart and soul into this review! Also pfft, maybe _canon _Haku wouldn't, but my Haku has balls of steel! Also you are probably the only person I have ever met whose favorite Naruto character is Jashin, glad to be a crowd pleaser.

XyoushaX – I think the real crime is that they pay so much money for the stuff. If some of those really amazingly good looking women wanted me to create a mary sue story I'd probably do it for them for free! It'd be more humorous, have a better plot and pacing, and plus you get a free copy of Konoha's Yellow Flash for free! Instant win baby. Also I am glad you enjoyed the bang-bang nature of that flashback, it was rather inspired I thought.

RaitonWolf – Aww, worth a year wait? Why thank you very much, too kind, but I like that anyway!

Dragon Man 180 – Yeah… I chose a slightly different route. Let's just say this and the next chapters are going to show why I believe the Shinigami is a bit of a self-insert in terms of sadism.

OK, enough of my comments, onto the chapter. Enjoy guys, because I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

* * *

**Chapter 19: Hidan Won't Be Giving Thanks This Year**

Zabuza walked slowly towards Minato's desk, fearful for intensity of Minato's fury that he had felt earlier. Minato only got this kind of vibe when it concerned Akatsuki, and it made Zabuza uneasy. Zabuza always felt humbled whenever Minato got this serious, this focused. Zabuza considered himself to be a good ninja; he was skilled and talented, always eager to learn new ways to cut a man down. However, being able to see Minato first hand it was like being slapped. Zabuza was nothing next to Minato. Absolutely nothing. It would not have changed if he had worked his entire life towards being a better ninja, he would have failed. Namikaze Minato was long thought immortal by some of his enemies, a boogeyman to be feared, not fought. What kind of monster of a ninja did it take to take less than three days to come up with a plan to stop the Kyuubi*(1) and actually implement it properly?

The monster that was sitting at a desk, radiating a repulsive aura all around him. Someone was going to suffer soon, and although Zabuza was afraid to speak, he did so anyway.

"Is everything OK, Minato-sama?"

The blonde haired man looked up and Zabuza recoiled in shock. The eyes that greeted him were not the icy ones he had been expecting, but his normal carefree orbs of blue.

"Yes, Zabuza-san, everything is fine. Why do you ask?" Minato tilted his head to the side in apparent confusion.

"I sensed your intent to kill from a very long distance; I thought something had angered you." At this a look of realization dawned on Minato.

"I see. Well, I apologize, I didn't realize that some of my feelings that I am keeping under wraps were leaking out slightly. I apologize." Zabuza's head spun at that declaration. This presence was a _fraction_ of Minato's intent to kill? The fact that particular statement could be made so openly and casually by Minato was truly sickening.

Seeing the look on Zabuza's face, Minato continued.

"I have just been informed by a so called higher up that another person from Akatsuki is going to die today, a man by the name of Hidan. I am focusing all my emotions inward in order to prepare myself for my encounter with him. It I hard for me to focus this hard, as I have very strong feelings for men like Hidan. This will be the first time I have gone all out*(2) since Hanzo died." Zabuza was puzzled by what Minato meant.

"What do you mean by 'all out'?" Minato's eyes locked onto Zabuza's, and he spoke with a slight smile on his face, which made the feeling all the creepier.

"I am going to put Hidan through such a torturous hell that the Shinigami himself will weep on his behalf and beg me to have mercy on his miserable and rotten soul by the time I have had my fill of his sorrowful and repentant screams."

Zabuza could only think of one thing to say in response to that.

"Oh."

* * *

Uchiha Madara backed up from the black board once more, shaking his right hand trying to loosen it from all of the chalk gripping he had been doing lately. It had taken him several hours to work out the finer points on how to get Sasuke and Itachi into battle with one another. A few hints here, a few orders to Itachi there, and suddenly you had a sibling duel to the death. It was always so nice when things worked out just as you planned.

That would be the perfect place for a flashback, except that Uchiha Madara's plans had a way of falling apart on him at the worst of times.

**Flashback**

A much, much younger Uchiha Madara backed up from his black board with a smile on his handsome face. This plan was going so amazingly well, it was almost beyond belief! He had gotten his clan to exile him at just the right moment so that he could keep his more nefarious plans hidden away from everyone else. Furthermore, that Senju scum who dared to call himself the "Hokage" of _his_ country seemed to be falling for the bait to meet him to discuss their differences over some tea at a local waterfall. There he would unleash his ultimate trump card, the mighty nine-tailed beast Kyuubi which the fool clearly had no possible way of stopping or even slowing down.

It was so nice to know that there was absolutely nothing that could stop a plan you had been preparing for over ten years from finally being completed.

Madara's grinned in anticipation, this will be a glorious victory for him!

**End Flashback**

His mood soured slightly as he recalled his fateful battle with the first Hokage, causing him to snarl. However, Sasuke wasn't in the same league as that fool, Sasuke was blinded by his rage and was all too easy to manipulate, so there really wasn't any cause for concern there. Itachi was going to die, and the last capable Sharingan user who had the ability to oppose him would fall.

Turning his attention away from the family he loved ever so much, Madara set to work on the next person that would need to die: Hidan.

Hidan wasn't smart enough to figure out that he was being used and abused for ulterior motives; however Madara was not quite sure of the extent that his god of his, Jashin, had altered his abilities. Any guy who could make a person bleed and die without physically touching them worried Madara, if only slightly. He had many things to pull out of his bag of tricks, but he didn't want them known this early in the game. If Hidan ever turned traitorous things could get messy one way or another, and it was always best to avoid that.

Madara could not keep a smile off of his face when he recalled how he had met Hidan, it had been a few years back but it felt like last week in some ways, Hidan himself had changed little over that time.

You see, Hidan was pretty much insane from the get go. You don't just wake up one morning and go "You know what, I am going to go worship a bloodthirsty god by killing all the people I can!" without having a screw or ten loose before actually doing it. So there Hidan was in the middle of his ritual circle, slaughtering people left and right while giggling madly the whole time when he heard a slow clap start behind him.

"That is very impressive slaughtering skill, Hidan-san. The reports are right about you, you are one crazy son of a bitch." Madara, disguised by several genjutsu and other means of illusion, spoke loudly to Hidan.

Hidan's eyes quickly focused on the man in front of him, although he could not quite focus on the man shrouded by a black cape properly. Hidan's eyes narrowed further when he realized he was using several advanced genjutsu to keep himself hidden.

"It isn't fucking polite to interrupt a religious ritual. You should apologize." Hidan's body changed back to its normal tone, a far cry from the black and white skeletal frame that had just been slaughtering dozens of bystanders a moment ago.

Behind his mask Madara's eyes narrowed.

_Has anyone told you it is not polite to talk to your betters like that, Hidan-san? Perhaps I should crush you right here…_

…_No, I have to act the part I suppose. The things I do for my plans._

"I apologize, Hidan-san. I spoke above my station and with ill-timing. I am here with nothing but the best intentions." Madara put his hands in front of him as a peace offering and Hidan took the time to leap forward with his Scythe swinging down towards Madara.

_Don't kill the idiot, don't kill the idiot, don't kill the idiot…_ Madara's mantra to himself seemed to help as he made no move to stop Hidan whose scythe passed through him, as harmless as a pre-timeskip Sakura.

Hidan did not let up though as he swung his giant scythe again. This time, however, Madara decided not to play along any more as he caught the handle of the scythe and kicked Hidan away, sending him tumbling a good twenty feet away.

"That is not how you treat someone who is here to offer you as many sacrifices as you could ever want. I am sure your god would be much happier with the deaths of strong ninja as opposed to useless women, wouldn't you agree?" It disgusted Madara to even have to talk to this uncivilized killing machine, but his organization needed strong members, and Hidan's mastery of the Jashinist arts were of interest to him. He just needed a firm hand to guide him. While he himself could not fill that role due to his other projects, Pain was more than up to the task.

Hidan got up to his feet slowly, intrigued by the offer. He had been prepared to get serious after that kick, but perhaps this offer was good enough to suppress the almighty Jashin's wish for more blood.

"That is an offer that Jashin might be interested in me pursuing, go on."

"I speak for the leader of an organization called Akatsuki; we need able bodied and right minded ninja in order to advance our goals of world domination. Our wonderful leader has sent me as an envoy to you specifically. He was impressed with your ritual abilities and sees great potential in you. Long story short is that if you work for him you can kill as many people as you please as long as it does not interfere with our plans." Madara had always prided himself on being persuasive speaker, and he didn't give Hidan the credit not to be excellently manipulated by that speech.

Hidan, however, proved resistant.

"I don't know if I can trust people whose face I cannot see. You come here and disturb my ritual and then speak to me as if you have this fantastic offer for me. That isn't very considerate. I don't speak to peons, get your boss here and let me talk to him myself." Madara tilted his head at that demand. Disturbing Pain was not a problem; he had no real concern on that front, but this guy really got under his skin. He was going to make sure he stuck him with a partner he absolutely loathed for his own amusement later.

Using one of his many excellently convenient space/time jutsu, Madara sent a message to Pain.

Elsewhere, Pain's real body, that of Nagato's, was getting a massage by the beautiful Konan, who looked as enchanting as ever. She wore a two piece bikini as she lovingly rubbed Nagato's back on the outskirts of a quiet lake. Konan loved Nagato more than anything else in the entire world, but she swore the man couldn't get aroused for anything! She had tried everything, but Nagato was always so limp.

Nagato, as emotionally shut down as he was, did not ever think to tell her that several of his bodies always felt awkward during this time period for various reasons.

Enjoying himself for once, Nagato's moment was intruded upon by an image of Madara before him.

"The new recruit wants to meet the leader, looks like you are up lover boy. I expect you here soon." With that simple message, Madara disappeared from Nagato's view.

Sighing, he looked back over his shoulder to Konan, who was looking at her companion in confusion. Looking over her fantastic body Nagato sighed yet again, cursing the responsibilities of being a god.

"Damn." He muttered, getting up to prepare him.

Back in the present, Madara was staring intently at Hidan's name. He had been a troublesome recruit and a troublesome member; that much was for certain. At the moment he was currently on assignment tracking down the nine-tailed container near Konoha, so it made some sense to leave him to his own devices for the time being. After all, if he managed to successfully capture that brat then he could just deal with him after his plan was completed.

Turning his attention to Hidan's partner, Kakuzu, Madara wrote his name down and thought it over for a moment. Writing a single word down, "Money", he put his chalk down and decided to take a short break from his masterful plotting to enjoy some tea.

* * *

In a dark and lonely part of the afterlife, a young man sobbed in a corner, clearly distraught. Some people had tried to console him, but to no avail. Long gone were his days of ruling over people, of his dread aura worse than the Shinigami's. Now, there was but a little boy without his fox-girl, and for that, he was very sad. With nothing to take his mind off how much life sucked in general, all he could do was brood in a corner. That is, until someone slapped him clean out of the corner. Kushina always did have that effect on people.

Nick looked at her in a most pathetic manner before he spoke.

"What do you want, Kushina-san? You killed my fox-girl, are you here to finish the job?" Nick's voice contained no accusation, only bitterness.

Kushina for her part felt a bit bad about the whole situation. Pounding the life out of that villainous fox-girl had been quite an enjoyable experience, but despite all of his attempts to be a badass Kushina liked Nick and didn't really want to see him so miserable over something that was her doing.

"Well, I wanted to apologize for killing your fox-girl. I know she meant a lot to you, and even though she totally deserved it, I know I hurt you a lot. Do you want a hug?" Kushina extended her arms and for the first time in many years, Nick's cold heart melted just a little bit as he accepted the hug from Kushina and cried his heart out into her ample bosom.

_Crap, I didn't actually expect him to accept the offer!_ Kushina's regret would have to wait, however, as her maternal instincts kicked in, much to her chagrin.

"There there dear, I know it is hard. Want to go get some ice cream and talk about it?" Nick nodded mutely as Kushina helped him to his feet.

_I am going to have to sit down one of these days and ask myself if being a kind human being is actually worth it._

-

Bertha continued to look over her notes about Sasuke when she came upon a particular passage that made her stop dead in her cute little kitty tracks. It was a note from the Shinigami detailing the traditional Uchiha upbringing.

"_Male Uchiha at an early age are forced to undergo the trial of the stick in order to suppress their massive amounts of self loathing, hatred for all things, and their knack to be manipulated by pedophiles, or as the clan elders liked to tenderly put it, "manage the awesome might of the Uchiha clan." In order to properly pull this off an Uchiha must select a stick from a choice of ten different sticks, chosen by them depending on how much they feel they must take in to "properly handle the awesome might bestowed upon them by their gene pool." They then must go into an isolated room in the Uchiha compound and then plunge the chosen stick into their ass repeatedly until it fits comfortably in them. Once this is done, the Uchiha is considered an adult and able to handle all of the adversity that "being the best" may bring upon them. Regrettably for young Sasuke, his older brother forgot to pass this sacred ritual onto his little brother as he was butchering his family. With that secret lost forever to Sasuke, his inner douche is free to roam wherever it may wander, to the horror of all who cross his path._

Bertha could not help but to snort in amusement at the Shinigami's notes. That man had a terrible face, but a girl could get used to being around a guy with a sense of wit this prodigious.

Closing her notes she glanced over at Sasuke who continued to brood, although it was more of a "thinking" brood and less of a 'I hate my life" brood, which was seen as a bit of an upgrade as far as Bertha was concerned. Bertha smiled evilly as she thought of her wonderful plans for Sasuke's future.

_Soon my little emo boy, soon you will experience your worst nightmare. Kukukuku._

* * *

Minato had been alone in the white space for a few hours now, his posture was totally relaxed and his breathing was very even. It would appear to the casual observer that he was the most relaxed person in the whole of reality, with not a single care in the world. In a way this was true, he did not dread, fear, or anticipate what was about to happen in the least. It simply was going to be. He had bundled up all of his fury, hatred, and remorse into a tight little ball inside of his mind and when he released it upon Hidan, it would be released. Nothing more, nothing less. Minato didn't blink as the queue button hit "one" and Minato pressed it with absolutely no hesitation.

A man with very light grey hair stepped into the white space. Over his left shoulder rested a massive three bladed scythe and his black cloak with red clouds rested tightly against his body. Judging by the look on his face, he was livid.

"How did I die? I was only buried for a few minutes, Jashin should have protected me, what the fuck is this bullshit!?" Yeah, livid it was.

He did not have much time to compose his thoughts however. The Yellow Flash was in front of him immediately and Hidan, without even properly acknowledging someone was in front of him, took a step back. His survival instincts were good, even in death.

Just not good enough.

He took a moment to take in Minato's features, and he recognized him right away.

"You are the Yondaime-" Hidan did not have time to finish his sentence, however, as Minato interrupted him.

"Welcome to Hell, you miserable son of a bitch." With only those words for greeting the Yellow Flash faded from Hidan's view, and within a second Hidan's soul fell into darkness, his spiritual body landed dropping like a rock to the floor.

Minato stood over him, his eyes looking down upon the man, the fury in those eyes uncontested, untainted by good intentions.

Somewhere, the Shinigami put his popcorn in the microwave and prepared the soft drinks. There was going to be some high quality ass whooping coming soon.

* * *

**Foot Notes: **

(1) Minato, having no type of bloodline to do with tailed beasts that we have any idea about (Unlike the Shodaime and Madara) is able to contain the Kyuubi using seal work he created completely on the fly. It is the opinion of this writer that this may be the single greatest "I am a better ninja than everyone else" feat in the entire series. As Sandaime Vs. Orochimaru seemed to imply, one's own power is part of the contract with the Shinigami in the sealing process. The Sandaime, although past his prime, was still a Kage who could not completely seal Orochimaru. Minato, by the same token, was able to completely dominate Kyuubi the point that he was able to filter Chakra while having him sealed. The point of this note is that the Yondaime Hokage is the man.

(2) It had been several years since Minato had been quite this angry; even Sasori's deeds had not pissed him off quite this much. In perhaps the most famous confrontation in the history of Minato's afterlife, Hanzo of the Salamander had openly tried to battle Minato in the white space, unsatisfied with death and not willing to take orders from a whelp. On Minato's behalf, he was already furious with Hanzo over his life's work, that being the oppression and soul destroying of an entire nation for the sake of his ego. The battle that took place was so amazing and so spectacular that this particular author does not have the skill as of this moment to write it down, but maybe someday it will be recorded into one of the chapters of Minato's afterlife.

(3) Madara was often accused of being a tad obsessive. To his critics, Madara would simply ask a single question. If everyone who had known you had betrayed you, if your power, your precious power was drained away from you by your most bitter rival, would you stop at anything to not only regain that power, but to seize control of the entire world and cut down any insolent whelp that stood in your way? Would you? If you would, you are a gutless bastard and not worthy of the Uchiha name, so sit down, and shut up.

(4) It should be noted that at the time of this publication, it is widely believed that the trial of the stick had not yet been thought up while Uchiha Madara was still a part of the clan. The most obvious fact in favor of this theory is the fact that Madara is the biggest douche in a five mile radius whenever he happens to be in a five mile radius on any point on the planet, in all of his douche glory.

* * *

A/N: Another chapter in the books, one away from the big two zero, never thought I'd make it this far if I am going to be perfectly honest with you guys. Also I see a lot of story alerts and story favorites in my inbox, but not a lot of reviews. What's up with that? Do you know why it is so important to leave a review? Well, besides my own overbearing ego and desperate need to be loved, it also lets me know what you like. I have done whole chapters based off something someone wanted me to do (Chapter 2 was one of them, for example) and if you guys leave me cool scenarios that I think I can fit in, you better believe I'll do them. So if you don't review saying how much you want something done, you will miss on seeing it. But as always I leave it in your hands; I don't hold you guys hostage. I am lazy too sometimes with reviews, even on the stories I really love!

What is going to go on next chapter: Hidan is going to get owned.


	21. Where a Scary Man Meets a Scarier Man

**A/N: **I will say this often, because I cannot help it, but this chapter really did run away from me as I wrote more and more about it. I didn't expect to find such inspiration in writing a more or less much more serious in tone chapter and yet, I did find it eventually. I had a basic map of what I wanted to talk about this chapter but other plot bunnies forced their way and completely dominated the landscape of this chapter. For those who actually read my notes, I'll say this: This chapter is not nearly as funny as previous chapters, because it isn't intended to be. I admit whole heartedly my great love of Minato, and if you've read this far, I am sure you have a certain attachment to him as well. Well, for as funny as he can be he deserves some stress relief too. From a plot and characterization stand point I am oddly proud of this chapter, which is rare on my end. So with that in mind, clearly everyone is going to absolutely hate it, as it is never good when the writer likes his own work!

Also as the holidays hit their full swing, I am not sure how long it is going to take me to update. However, it speaks well for the odds that I am not going to get stuck too long that I had three whole scenes pretty vividly mapped out for THIS chapter that got pushed to the next chapter because I am trying to normalize my chapter size a bit. So creatively speaking, I am on one of the best rolls I have ever been, and since I usually get positive reviews, I am going to say that's a good thing for you guys.

Review Reponses:

Slingshot: I like to think I am merely extremely skilled at portraying sadism, and that's the story I am going to stick to at this moment.

Hisoka: Well, I hope you enjoy Hidan getting owned, I did my best to think of something unique, because I pride myself on not my writing ability, but my ability to be imaginative with torture! Wait, that didn't sound right…

Crayontesla: A problem with my canon? Tell me your problem with my canon after this chapter, I think you underestimated my ability to be awesome, though!

Litewarior4: Nick is based off a friend of mine who is rather dour and obsessed with foxes. I don't exactly name drop often like that, but I saw a potential in my friend's personality to translate to a funny character, and since it was his personality I based it off of, I was obligated to name him after my friend.

Anyway you guys probably are skipping this anyway as I left you with such an evil cliffhanger last time, so I'll shut up. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 20: Where a Scary Man Meets a Scarier Man**

The Shinigami settled into his seat and began to munch on his popcorn as he waited for the action to begin. The room around him darkened as the large screen in front of him turned on and he began to eat his buttery treat with greater fervor, knowing he would enjoy the upcoming presentation of how to kick a man's ass greatly.

_Before your feature begins please enjoy these previews from our sponsors! _The Shinigami's face began to twitch as he tossed his bag of popcorn to the side and pouted with all of the force of eight twelve year old girls, which is frankly a staggering amount. And yes, pouts are measured in units of twelve year old girls*(1).

"Damn sponsors, I am going torture someone for this delay of my entertainment, and it will be a glorious torturing indeed." The Shinigami's threat, as always, was not an idle one. With a sigh, he watched the messages from the sponsors with little interest.

* * *

Hidan was a young boy, just five years old, stumbling upon a brick path. He was completely lost and he was very scared. He had never been separated from his parents before, and his little legs could only carry him so far. He had begged his parents to take him with them on their trip for a very long time, and with great hesitance, they had finally relented. So of course within an hour of arriving in this new town he had wandered off and gotten lost.

He found himself in front of an impossibly tall temple of some sort on the edge of the town. Stone steps piled in front of it for what seemed to be miles on top of a giant hill. Hidan could barely make out the symbol on top of the shrine that read "Jashin" in dark red letters. Hidan did not know why, but he felt a sudden terrible feeling when he read the name, as if something horrible was hidden within the name, something anciently evil. Hidan's first, second, and last instinct was to run away from that shrine as fast as he possibly could. His young legs shook as he slowly backed up, right into a figure that had not been there moment's ago.

"I say young man; it is wise to watch where you are going. People less friendly than me might take some matter of offense at being run into so roughly." Hidan did not understand what some of those words meant, but the gentle hand on his shoulder comforted him, the voice seemed friendly enough. Craning his neck to see the man towering over him, he squint his eyes in confusion. The man looked so average in every respect; it was jarring, even to a five year old. The man smiled benignly up at the boy.

"How about I take you to my temple up these stairs and I can get you a warm drink?" This triggered alarms in Hidan's young mind, as he had heard from his parents what happened to little boys who went to shrines with seemingly ordinary older men – it never ended well. Sadly for the little boy, the man did not allow his grip on the boy's shoulder to falter, so the boy's attempts to run away proved to be fruitless.

"I insist, Hidan-san." With those words, the young boy known as Hidan died, and he was replaced with a monster.

Jashin always was impressed with his own ability to break a target's mind, especially if you started young. It started so simple, everyone had someone they wanted to please in their life, and he simply took that fervent need and manipulated it to his own ends. They always had the choice to not sign their lives and souls over to him; it was said at every step. At every decision, they could be freed of his grasp. It didn't matter to him that he had expertly crafted all of his subjects to always refuse, if you gave the option, it was still willing. Although in the case of Hidan he needn't have tried so hard, the boy had a cruel streak a mile wide. Years later even he was impressed with the way his protégé had tortured his parents into a slow, agonizing death. Hidan had been his star pupil who had enjoyed a meteoric rise to infamy in the shinobi world, thanks to the gifts of his sponsor god.

But as with all good things, it came to its end. It always did.

* * *

Hidan awoke groggily, his head pounding. He tried to focus his vision but couldn't, his surroundings remain blurry even as he tries to stumble to his feet.

"You know, I thought you were an S-Class Ninja, yet here you are stumbling around from a single blow. That Jashin guy must have severely low standards for his underlings if you are considered his best one." Hidan snarled in his fury, and then promptly fell down on his ass as he tried to lash out at the speaker only to unbalance himself.

"Don't you dare speak Jashin's name! Your mouth isn't worthy!" Hidan picked himself up off the ground and stumbled around some more, his vision nothing but a blur of color and lights. The last thing he remembered was the Yondaime Hokage, a man dead for a good fifteen years now, standing in front of him. That's right, he was dead. Trapped by that fucking brat, he thought he would have had more time to plan an escape, death had come suddenly.

Now here he was, nearly blind in front of an opponent who had only been defeated by an opponent said to be able to sink whole countries in a night's time, and it was on his terms. _What fucking bullshit!_

Minato crossed the few feet between them and backhanded Hidan hard, knocking him back down to the ground; the knock cleared the man's head a bit as his vision cleared up to see his surroundings.

"Welcome to hell, as I said, Hidan-san." Hidan looked directly into Minato's eyes and saw nothing but triumph in his eyes, total and certain victory.

"Hell cannot contain a servant of Jashin, you fool!" Hidan began to laugh at the man, not yet grasping his situation in the least.

Minato, however, was not in his usual carefree mood.

He roughly grabbed Hidan by the collar of his cloak and threw him a good ten feet into a brick wall, into which Hidan slammed into with all of the grace of a truck. The wall won, not giving an inch. Hidan moaned as he crumpled to the floor, his back and head throbbing in a way he hadn't felt in years.

"The trouble with people like you Hidan is that you tout the virtues of murder and death but you hide behind greater powers than yourself to avoid it." Minato's voice was void of any ill intent and so quiet that Hidan could clearly make out the sound of the man's boots as the blonde approached him at a steady pace. Minato reached Hidan and grabbed himself a handful of the man's hair and yanked him up by it, which was rather painful if the yell out of the grey-haired man was any indicator. Hidan took a wild swing at Minato who seemed to smirk at the oncoming fist; his head was out of harm's way well before the punch got anywhere near him, as if he knew where the punch was supposed to land before it had even began its motion, it missed its mark by a good two feet. Hidan didn't have time to ponder how a man could be that fast as Minato's knee crashed into his stomach causing Hidan to cough up some of his own blood. Minato watched the blood leak out of Hidan's mouth onto the ground, and he quite liked the look of this man's blood. He drove his knee into his stomach repeatedly, each time with equal force as the first one, each time causing Hidan cough up more and more blood until Minato relented and let go of the man's hair. Without the support from Minato, Hidan collapsed on the ground, clutching his stomach. Hidan gritted his teeth so he wouldn't yell out. It had been years since he had felt this much pain, all from a few simple kicks? Minato was not interested in giving Hidan a reprieve, however, as he landed a swift kick to ritual specialist's knee. This time, Hidan could not help but to scream.

"So," Minato's voice was elevated to be heard over Hidan's terrible screams, "You must be wondering right about now why there are genin out there that can take more of a beating than your sorry ass. Let me tell you a little something about me, Hidan. I am a very good at what I do; always have been. I made an entire nation bow to me before I turned twenty. I defied every long shot odd I had in my entire life and attained my dream of being Hokage. I matched powers with the nine-tailed fox and proved to be its equal. Do you want to know why you are weak to my attacks? Because I fucking will it to be so!" Minato was supremely satisfied that Hidan's eyes widened momentarily, his speech instilling a deep fear within the man.

_Well, not strictly true, it actually has more to do with the fact that his soul, his true self, is actually pathetically weak. Having spent all of those years as a devout worshipper of Jashin, that 'god' had taken his miserable soul for a spin and left him with barely more than a dust ball and a "thanks for the meal, dumbass" note. Of course, Hidan couldn't give a damn about it until he was on the floor right now. The prices some men pay for power and the eyes that will turn blind in the face of corruption._

Thinking about that made Minato's anger come back in full force, as he delivered another kick to the man's already broken knee, eliciting another scream.

Hidan, even though he was in pain, laughed defiantly at the blonde haired ninja, although how much fight he actually had left in him was indeterminable.

"Jashin will save me; a heretic like you is nothing! Do you hear me? Fucking nothing!" Hidan's voice contained no small amount of madness; his mind not firmly entrenched into his current reality.

If Hidan was a little more aware, he would have noticed Minato's face break out into a grin, and what a terrible grin it was. He pulled Hidan's file from thin air and took out the letter that Jashin had given him just a couple of days earlier.

"I am afraid Jashin has already informed me that he has had a bad investment in you and no longer requires your services, nor cares what I do with you." Minato sat the piece of paper by Hidan's bloodied form. He eyed it wearily for a moment before he took it in his hand and read it slowly, as you don't read any other way when your head was pounding as much as Hidan's was. His eyes widened in fury the more he read. The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was the note at the end.

"_Have whatever fun you want with him, Minato-kun, he has failed me one too many times. I hope you enjoy this present; I am a man who rarely gives them out._

_Sincerely, _

_Jashin"_

Hidan got up, his body seemingly recovering from the brutal beating that Minato had delivered to him mere moments before. His eyes no longer held even the faintest hint of sanity.

"I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" Hidan's scythe appeared in his hands as he rushed forward, faster than ever, intent on cutting Minato to pieces.

Minato's eyes narrowed as his body went rigid in anticipation.

_The last desperate gasp before accepting your torment I see. Very well, Hidan, I will make sure to give your overinflated sense of pride its proper respect._ Minato was focused intently on Hidan, who looked to be in slow motion from Minato's perspective.

The world of the living, the world of the dead; It simply didn't matter. No matter where Hidan and Minato could have possibly met on the battlefield…

Outclassed was too generous of a word to describe the difference between these two men.

Minato had a rasengan in his right hand almost instantly. This time, however, he decided to add some fire to its composition. After all, he needed practice with his weakest element every now and again.

Minato leapt right at Hidan, his shoulders lowering to give him the image of a rocket firing right at Hidan. His right hand extended just as he was about to pass Hidan, his fire imbued rasengan smashed into the man's midsection. Hidan immediately wished he had not picked this fight. His screams were music to the Minato's ears, a part of him reveling in the complete agony of the other man. Minato watched without a care as the force of his technique violently pushed Hidan into the same wall he had just been kicked into earlier. However this time the sturdy wall was no match for the impact of Hidan's body, as it was smashed apart. Hidan's burning flesh began to fill the air with its odor as he screamed, begging someone, anyone, to save him.

Hidan did not know how long he was on the ground, burning from the inside seemingly. The flames were consuming his wicked soul, cooking him while he was very much aware that he was being cooked. It had to have been hours before the flames finally subsided.*(2) Hidan, his sanity returning to him from amongst the flames, looked in horror at the blonde haired man slowly approaching him.

"What are you?" Hidan's voice was fearful, his fighting spirit completely shattered. He was defeated in every sense of the word. His defiance that he had so proudly displayed mere moments before with such gusto had been torn apart before the horrible fury of the Yellow Flash. Minato towered over him for a moment, causing Hidan to flinch. Minato lingered above him smirking at the reaction before taking a seat right next to the man, staring out at the distant sun as Hidan's body was too exhausted to move away.

When Minato spoke his voice was calm, and his body was at ease. It appeared that Minato had satisfied his immediate want to hurt the man.

"I am a man, just like any other. The difference between us is not what that of a human and something beyond that, but of weak and strong. You, all your life, have given more and more of yourself over to Jashin. Your soul is now not only corrupt, but weak. If you place your faith and your power into something that doesn't respect you, you will end up in such a sorry state such as this. Everyone has the chance to make the right choices, Hidan. You could have refused his offer that day. You could have been ashamed of ever being asked to kill someone and told him that was that. You could have chosen not to kill innocent people, to kill children. You could have done so many things to save yourself from this fate, but you never did. "

Hidan did not deny it. For all of his hatred of the man, even a fool such as Hidan could not hide the truth that was evident in front of him: He had fucked up, big time. He had thought that the powers granted to him by the great Jashin would be enough. They had been for a long time, but it seemed that this man's passion was stronger than even his god. He spared a glance at Minato who was looking forward, his face calm, his eyes at peace. It was hard to believe mere minutes before this man had been delivering him a savage beating that he thought was never going to end. There were many rumors, stories, and tall tales surrounding Namikaze Minato, Konoha's Yellow Flash. You could not go through Iwa without hearing horror stories in the old taverns; even after fifteen years since the man was alive.

**Flashback**

Hidan had finally snuck away from his partner and decided to have a drink of water at the local tavern. After all, even homicidal and psychotic killers needed to quench their thirst every once in awhile. He went up to the barkeep and ordered a glass of water, the man raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything as he handed the silver haired man his drink.

Hidan could not help but overhear an elderly Iwa ninja's frantic discussion with a much younger man at a nearby table.

"You don't understand young man; you are simply not old enough to remember. The Yellow Flash was not some kind of mere ninja; he was a monster of incredible destruction. The worst part is that even though Konoha is famous for their many bloodlines, which are rare around the world, this man had none. It was the simple fact that you couldn't even console yourself with the fact that he was gifted with something that we could not obtain. It was so perfectly rubbed in our faces; he just was a better ninja than all of our forces combined through hard work. Every kill was done in one blow, every trap executed to perfection. You can't beat a God, young man; you simply can't best a man who never makes a mistake. That was what we dealt with when we dealt with that yellow devil." The elderly man's hoarse voice added some credence to the tale, his fear was still palpable.

Hidan breathed in deeply, loving that scent. Fear was absolutely wonderful. He looked at his glass of water with an evil smile on my face.

"Well, I have relieved myself of my thirst, now it is time to whet my appetite." With that said his body transformed into the ritualistic black and white and laughed as the screams of the people began to echo in the small tavern.

**End Flashback**

Now Hidan understood perfectly. He was doomed, and he had no one to blame but himself. Granted, he was not repentant in the least, and he still loathed the man in front of him. His evil soul was still evil, but he was not quite as delusional as he had been to start the day.

Minato looked over at him and smiled in a fashion that Hidan had a suspicion he could not trust.

"Although this area isn't much right now, just a few abandoned homes from a long lost nomadic tribe, in around five hundred years or so it will begin to blossom into a village. Quite the boring village as far as history is concerned, really. No one ever died here, no one ever went away to become something great. It is simply families, living, loving each other, eventually dying, leaving the new generation to repeat the cycle." Minato looked fondly at the future village, a spark of something that Hidan could not describe in Minato's eyes as he did so.

It was reasonable, how could a man who had never been fond of anything or loved anyone know such emotions reflected in another?

"So, why are we here then?" Hidan's question elicited a chuckle from Minato, which caused the Akatsuki member to tense.

"This is your punishment. For the rest of your existence you are going to do nothing but watch over this village, and see what life is truly worth. You have no concept of what life is, Hidan, you could not possibly understand the gravity of what you have done. There are countless villages like this across many worlds, and although I have no way to interact with them it is an easy matter to place you here. You are restricted to the boundaries of this small village, and when it ceases to be, another village, and then another. I thought of just beating the living shit out of you for a good long while, but you understand pain and suffering too well. Eventually you'd harden yourself, it'd lose meaning. One day, Hidan-san, one day you are going to realize the weight of your deeds. On that day you will scream, you will scream so loud and in so much suffering that I will have no choice but to step into this realm and witness with glee how your own mind turns against you for the acts you have committed. Mark my words, proud member of Akatsuki, that day will come and I look forward to it more than you could ever imagine."

Minato jumped up and dusted off his pants. He opened a portal to the white space before Hidan stopped him.

"You said I placed my faith in something that didn't respect me back, what did you place your faith in?" The question was said neutrally enough, but Minato understood the befuddlement behind the question.

"The Will of Fire, something you wouldn't understand if I spent a thousand lifetimes explaining it to you, I am afraid. Farewell." With his final parting Minato vanished, leaving Hidan alone with his thoughts.

_That stupid prick, there is no way that had a grain of truth in it. It is going to take more than that to break me, fucking bastard. _

Although Hidan thought it very strongly and forcefully, there was a kernel of doubt in the darkest corners of his mind. That kernel would one day grow, just as Minato had predicted, and it would consume him in ways that Minato himself could never dream to do so.

* * *

Minato appeared in the white space to see the Shinigami appearing gleeful for an unknown reason. In fact, his boss had been very absent recent, which was very unusual, as the death god was as overbearing as anyone Minato had ever met.

"Shinigami-sama, what have you been up to lately? You've been very scarce." The Shinigami responded quickly.

"I have been plotting." The ghastly figure winced mentally, realizing he had said that out of pure ego and reflex. That was probably not a good thing to admit to in front of the curious blonde in front of him.

Minato raised an eyebrow at the response.

"Plotting what, exactly?" The Shinigami, in all of his greatness, came up with the perfect answer that explained everything perfectly in a very reasonable manner.

"An acre of land, what's it to you?" With that crisp response, the Shinigami vanished from the white space, leaving the blonde haired man stuck there in a state between confusion and outrage. Was he sincerely supposed to buy such a load of crap?

With another sigh Minato went over to his desk and was about to sit down when he saw a note in Zabuza's handwriting. He picked it up and read it.

"_Kakuzu of Akatsuki died, since you were preoccupied with his partner I decided to judge him myself, didn't think you'd mind,_

_Zabuza"_

Minato blinked once. Then he blinked again. By the time his eyes had opened from his third blink the previously pristine white space had turned pitch black, and the only visible light out of the dark recesses of the room were the yellow eyes of Namikaze Minato.

"**ZABUZA!**" The man, eighteen dimensions away, pissed his pants as everyone in the afterlife heard the blonde man's cry.

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(1) No one quite knows why someone thought of measuring pouts in this manner, nor did anyone ever bother to question such a thing until several decades after the system was put into place. By that time it was far too late to change it and everyone had to adjust to the weird term whenever it was brought up. There has been some debate over the issue recently, however, with the unstable pout principle introduced by one Justin Crossing that states that there is no way to truly quantify the exact amount in a unit of twelve year old girl pout, and in many cases using a generalized number would not be nearly specific enough for scientific research. When people questioned why anyone was looking at pouts in a scientific context, Justin Crossing promptly shut up and disappeared from the face of the earth.

(2) It should be noted that while Hidan believed it to be hours, in actuality it was more around ten seconds before the fire had snuffed itself out. Minato had designed this variant of his famous technique to not deal quite as much blunt damage as some of its other forms, but to cause an extreme amount of pain. He was quite pleased with the result of this particular trial, as the first six people he had tried it on had their souls burnt to fiery crisps. That particular incident took some smooth talking with the overseer of hell, who had been assured by a very confident Minato that his prisoners would not be harmed above a certain extent.

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**A/N: **I hope you guys enjoyed that, I certainly did enjoy writing it. It took me about three sittings to write it all, with the last fifteen hundred being this morning. I can't believe that I am less than ten thousand words away from having a story with one hundred thousand words, how insane is that? I know there are stories that make that look like a joke, but still, it is staggering thing to think about.

Speaking of random stuff, I should note that this fanfiction does have a forum that I never use before I never link to it. If any of you would like to discuss this fiction with me or your fellow fans, or would like to hear me talk about how a chapter is progressing, it'd be a good place to go. Hell, I'll even take suggestions on what to possibly include in some future chapters. My story isn't exactly set in stone, and it for sure isn't from chapter to chapter, if this chapter is any evidence. If I find an idea funny, I'll use it and twist it to my own sinister means.

As always, it is awesome to see so many positive reviews and I am glad people have enjoyed my latest efforts. Review and tell me what you think of my more serious chapter

As for the forum: http://www. fanfiction . net/myforums/Sir_Chris/804269/ (Remove spaces)


	22. Nonchapter 2: Minato's Diplomacy

A/N: Hey guys, a merry early Christmas to many of you, and a merry Christmas to some of you. It is going to be a few weeks before I can get a full chapter out I suspect, due to the holidays. However I wrote this aside last week and while I originally planned to make this one of my lovely flashback scenes for the next chapter, I decided to give you guys a little side story for Christmas. I hope you and yours are well during this time of year, and I hope you enjoy this little side story.

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**Side Story: Diplomacy**

Namikaze Minato was many things in his lifetime, but patient was not among them. Most ninja would have been satisfied with a technique that could kill sixty ninja a minute, but not Minato. By the time Minato was done with his training the concept of a limit was almost laughable when it came to his killing potential on the battlefield. Legendary ninja had power, ability, and an overwhelming need to be better at what they do than everyone else. In this case, Minato's specialty was wholesale slaughtering ninja and there being no way to stop him. Mission accomplished: he had the market on that particular skill cornered quite nicely.

Patience, though, was still a major work in progress. Minato had been doing his best to develop a proper sense of the concept since becoming Hokage, but it was a hard task for him when he was confronted with annoying people. When you are on the battlefield people that are annoying you were one specialty seal affected kunai away from death. As Hokage, annoying people had to be coddled. He had several dozen such people in front of him at this very moment. Two noble families who each had considerable pull within the land of fire had gotten into a major dispute, and now needed the Hokage to settle the matter for them, as the Daimyo was too much of a coward to take a side on this matter. Minato sighed, having tuned out the leaders of both families awhile ago in favor of letting his mind wander to his pregnant wife and the family they would have shortly. Life had been extremely kind to him, Minato noted. Minato was pulled out of his thoughts as the leader of one of the families began to speak once more.

"Kizan-san, your wanton trespassing onto our property is an unacceptable besmirching of my family's honor. I demand half your estate for such an insult! If we do not receive it promptly, this means war." The man that he was addressing, Kizan Ari, did not even move a muscle as the man spoke to him in such a harsh manner. His dark eyes bored a hole into the other man who started to feel uneasy under the gaze. Finally he spoke.

"There was no trespass. Go to hell, Shina-san." The other family leapt from their seats in fury and they began to shout furiously, as people tended to do when they were furious and did things with fury. The other family did not take the shouting well and started to shout in much the same way. However, despite all of their noble yelling, it was the quietest voice in the room that won the day.

"Please settle down, _everyone_." Both families immediately paused, their screams dying in their throats. Minato, of course, would never direct even the minutest amount of intent to kill at any of these nobles. Even a speck of such potent energy would kill the whole lot of them before anyone could blink. While no killing intent is all well and good, the human instinct to survive can tell when there is a predator nearby, in a foul mood, and far above its ability regardless of lack of additional hinting. Minato's voice, while quiet and polite, got the point across that everyone was on notice.

So everyone sat down and shut the hell up.

"Thank you. I have been listening to this for hours, so with all due respect I have a lot of important work to get to today. I am going to read both party's accounts with the full weight they deserve," _None at all, you arrogant pieces of trash_, "and then read the official report before making my final decision." Normally when speaking with the daimyo such prestigious noble families would ask to be heard repeatedly after the same type of declaration that Minato had just made, yet everyone nodded quietly, eager to get away from this scary man.

Minato opened the file in front of him which held only one piece of paper and skimmed it briefly before tilting his head to the side as his brow furrowed. He re-read the document once more, this time not skimming at all, making sure that he understood every word of the document before taking a deep breath and closing the case file. Everyone else in the room was very tense, sensing the change in demeanor with the Hokage immediately.

The fact that the room temperature seemed to drop a good twenty degrees also helped signify the shift for the less socially attuned people in the room. When the Yondaime Hokage spoke, there was a fair bit of disbelief in his voice.

"So allow me to summarize the situation between your two families. A member of one family stumbles into a shaky fence and breaks a portion of it. Moments later a member of the family that owned the fence came upon the scene in a rage and started to yell. The young man who had broken the fence quickly denied it, and here we are now. One side claiming massive trespassing charges and the other acting as if nothing ever occurred. Do I grasp this situation well?" Everyone in the room nodded in unison, too afraid to speak.

"Ok, here is what I am going to do. I am going to walk outside to write the Daimyo a very _pointed_ letter about the responsibilities of handling his own duties instead of wasting the time of his military leader. When I get back, I expect that everyone here will have resolved everything in a civil manner or else I will make a ruling personally, which may or may not involve a lot of blood." Minato exited the room, without saying another word. When he returned minutes later the whole situation was solved and no one had a single thing to say negatively towards each other. Now that's problem solving.

The next day, the Daimyo nearly had a heart attack when he opened a signed letter from the office of the Hokage only to have a kunai pop out and nearly cut off his reproductive organ, the weapon missing the mark by mere inches. When the Daimyo's heart no longer felt like it would explode, he gazed upon the letter.

_Dear Daimyo-sama,_

_Notice how I am so good at sealing abilities that I can seal a deadly weapon in a letter and aim it exactly twelve inches from your body. I'll note that when I am annoyed by my time being wasted on petty matters that do not concern my office, my village, or my responsibilities to my people my skills diminish ever so slightly. Each time that you send another frivolous case to me I will send you a sealed kunai in much the same manner as I did today. Let me ask you, Daimyo-sama, how many more of these letters do you think you can afford to be given? I hope my point has come across clearly._

_Yours very sincerely,_

_Namikaze Minato. _


	23. Prelude to Fun

**A/N**: This is the chapter that gets created when I have months of pent up ideas and I put them in a blender. I got exactly one scene done that I wanted for this chapter, and it isn't even the major scene that was the cliffhanger from the last chapter, how utterly terrible of me. This chapter is very light on dialogue for one of my chapters, honestly. I usually have more turn of phrase in my chapters but this was a very "Let's just talk a lot about stuff" chapter, with very little interaction going on in between the characters. This resulted in a decent length for a chapter and a few scenes that don't progress the plot at all! The good news is I still got plenty of plot bunnies to use in upcoming chapters because I went crazy in this chapter. Also, you guys need to review more. Feed my massive ego. Feed it I say! Anyway, have fun reading guys.

Reviewer Responses:

Crystalzap: I understand your concerns about Minato seeming like a god and I too feel I go crazy sometimes, but that is one of the classical downfalls of our medium: We write because we love it so much. I will never deny that I am a rabid Minato fanboy, and so when I get the chance to have him tower above characters I will take my opportunity and run with it. I could never do a serious fanfiction like that simply because I have too much respect for good (or at least attempted) story telling. However in this narrative I have created Minato is the judge of the dead and to mortal souls he may very well be god-like given the duties he has. Plus, I just love seeing Minato whoop ass, and if I get a chance to write it, awesome deal. So I totally understand your point, but I can't get myself to change my dastardly ways. As for Minato/Naruto being the character, perhaps that is a stealth spoiler on my part? Hoho.

To the many people who responded to the previous two chapters by laughing your ass off and saying how awesome I am: Thanks, I really do appreciate it. I feel I am still constantly evolving as a fiction writer and every time I feel like I should move past this story I can't quite let it go because it is a plot bunny that has grown into a monster all of its own. I am always inspired by the kind words of others, so I genuinely thank you all, and I am so glad you lot enjoy my written word so much.

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**Chapter 21: Prelude to Fun **

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The blonde ninja did not like surprises. Surprises usually ended badly. You get ambushed, surprise! Kyuubi has been summoned by a revenge hungry madman, surprise! You find out that your wife forgot to take birth control, surprise! Minato mentally winced as he thought of the last one. As much as he had looked forward to being a dad after his initial shock had worn off, and he couldn't be prouder of the young man Naruto had become, his use of the word "accident" to describe the pregnancy did not do his feelings any justice. Things had turned ugly quickly. Speaking of abortions, Zabuza was going to have his existence aborted if he did not come into the white space quickly. Minato had made it perfectly clear to his assistant that Akatsuki was to be dealt by him, exclusively by him. There were no loopholes or times when this was not to be the case. The amount of charts, graphs, and diagrams used to describe this concept to Zabuza had taken weeks to put together. So when Zabuza conveyed to him that he understood that Minato wanted to be the one to take care of every last member of Akatsuki, the legendary ninja thought it was safe to put the issue to rest.

That's what Minato got for thinking.

Minato did not have to wait very long for Zabuza to come into the white space; he arrived a few short moments after Minato had screamed for him. Zabuza looked haggard; his clothes were torn in several places and sweat covered a good portion of his body. Minato looked into Zabuza's eyes and saw a great deal of fear within them, much to his delight.

"That was fast, Zabuza-san. I expected to have to hunt you down myself. Such courage is _admirable._" Minato's eyes glinted as he said the last word, letting Zabuza know that Minato knew that his subordinate would rather have been any place in the entirety of time and space at the moment than his current position.

"I was mugged by a group of people who were terrified of you and they shoved me into a dimensional portal to the White Space." Zabuza scratched the back of his head, obviously trying to shake off the nervousness of being in front of Minato. He had thought that he was doing something good by taking care of Kakuzu.

That's what Zabuza got for thinking.

"Zabuza-san, I believe I made it very clear to you that I was going to handle every member of Akatsuki. I admit I have no idea where I went wrong. Let us examine each of my charts in order and maybe you can tell me the confusion here." Minato reached down behind his desk and pulled out several charts and set them down on his desk. He picked the first one up and showed it to Zabuza. It was a pie chart.

"You see, this chart has a color display to the right here, blue means Minato and red means Zabuza. As you can see the circle with the header "Who is going to take care of the Akatsuki members" is only the color blue. Now Zabuza, what conclusions can you come to from this?" Zabuza sighed, knowing he was going to have to play along with this if only for his own safety

"That you were responsible for every last Akatsuki member." Minato nodded his head enthusiastically at Zabuza's answer. Placing the pie chart on his desk, Minato picked up a bar graph that had a similar designation to the last one.

"Now what do you see on this graph, Zabuza?" Zabuza began to answer earnestly once again but Minato stopped the answer with a hand to the shinobi's throat. Zabuza's eyes bulged as he tried to force Minato's hand away from him, with little success. Minato's eyes bore into his assistant's, the blue orbs showing only one emotion, and that emotion was very angry at the moment.

"No, Zabuza, allow me to explain. This graph, and the others that I have prepared, say one singular and simple statement: Akatsuki was mine and mine alone. So, don't worry about defending yourself, your unheard screams of pain under my grip will be satisfaction enough to know just how sorry you really are." Minato continued to squeeze on Zabuza's throat. It appeared he would be content to continue his fun game of "see how much force is required to snap Zabuza's neck bone" all day, but alas we would not get to find out the extent of his attention span as a very obvious, very loud, and over-handed hacking cough interrupted Minato's ministrations.

The Shinigami licked his fingers slowly; the buttery popcorn leftovers still fresh on his boney fingers were still quite delicious. How he loved a good bag of popcorn with his slaughters; there truly was no treat quite so fitting to a situation as popcorn was to a slaughter. As much as he would have liked to enjoy yet another bag as Minato sucked the life out of Zabuza, he was sadly aware that Minato's schedule was going to pick up in the very near future and he did not have the time on his calendar(1) for such niceties as finding a new assistant to replace the one you just killed.

"You really should learn to be more gentle, Minato-kun. I do not know much about human anatomy(2), but I believe even in spirit form your race requires a neck to be functioning in order to continue your existence." At the Shinigami's not so subtle chiding the blonde former Hokage threw Zabuza down like a rag doll and returned to his seat. The Death God approached Minato's desk casually, his face twisting into his usual grin.(3)

"Minato, I must confess a small amount of surprise at the scene I see before me. Usually you are the last person I would expect to be trying to kill one of your subordinates; I must be rubbing off on you just a little bit." At this Minato's eye began to twitch, not finding the comparison between the two of them apt or flattering in the least.

"More to the point my precious servant, I do believe you are not giving Zabuza enough credit for the good time he showed that Kazuku fellow. I think you need to take a day off and take a tour of ground zero for the Kazuku operation that Zabuza so masterfully pulled off in a mere few hours. You are getting too high strung, Minato-kun, delegating to underlings should be a pleasure, not a burden. Now off with you, before I start maiming puppies." The Shinigami waved a boney hand in dismissal of Minato.

"Shinigami-san, you cannot just walk into my domain and throw me out. So how about you get the hell out of _my_ office." Minato's eyes flashed dangerously and the Shinigami took a moment to appraise the blonde man. The Shinigami did not miss the disrespect in the way Minato addressed him. He felt his essence tingling from the unsuppressed rage Minato was letting off; it was almost overwhelming. Every mortal man had flaws, and his precious Minato was no different. For a ninja, there were worse flaws to have than the one that Minato had. Simply put, it was a very potent bloodlust. Once the ninja got going, his instincts took over. Akatsuki infuriated him so much that instead of being able to act rationally like he wanted, he allowed his inner self to take over.

The Yellow Devil of Konoha was unleashed once more upon those hapless fools. Yet, as always, he could not stop himself. So here he was glaring with all of the killing intent he could muster, no small amount, at Death itself. The Shinigami looked down at Minato kindly. If Minato were thinking more clearly he would have noticed the look was _too_ kind. Before anyone could blink(4) the Shinigami was behind Minato and he had placed his hand on Minato's shoulder.

For the former Hokage the world went ice cold instantly. Death's chilly touch spread throughout his soul and into his conscious. The Shinigami relented as Minato went face first into his desk, moaning in pain and trying to recover his breath.

"Minato-kun, while your bravery is without question, perhaps you should learn to reign over your own demons before taking on a god, wouldn't you say?" The Shinigami bent down and whispered into Minato's ear.

"Now get out of my sight and do your job. You are a great joy to my existence, but you really must learn your limits." Minato staggered to his feet, his breath slowly returning to him. His anger had left him the moment the Shinigami had laid his chilling touch upon him. Minato picked up Zabuza by the scruff of his neck and teleported the two of them away.

The Shinigami let out a breath and took a seat at Minato's table.

"Learn your limits while you still have limits to learn Minato-kun, you are certainly fun to have around." The Shinigami, realizing he had begun to talk to himself, vanished from the White Space in order to pursue his latest plot to torture some terrible soul out of their daily allotment of happiness.

**In some undisclosed location**

Sasuke was brooding.

**Konoha**

Danzou sat down at his desk and pondered his current situation. It had come as a great shock to him three years ago when that useless brat Jiraiya had brought back Tsunade to become Hokage. He had been sure that after Jiraiya refused the job that the time to restore Konoha to its former glory under his steady hand had come. But no, the Sandaime's loyal advisors were all too ready to see that weak-willed student ushered in as the next Hokage. Now, instead of being aggressive, the Godaime Hokage seemed to do nothing but attempt to foster peace with allies that had readily betrayed them mere years ago. Danzou sighed. It did his bad heart no good to know that whenever he died Konoha's hopes for returning to greatness would die with him. They depended on that Uzumaki brat far too much for his liking. It would have been different if they had simply listened to him from the start and allowed him control over the demon container. Then perhaps Konoha would have a fierce tool to rely upon instead of an optimistic brat who was too soft to get anything accomplished. Just like Sarutobi before him. Although many believed Danzou to be selfish, this was very far from the truth. He was an intelligent enough man to realize that was not ever meant to be the crème of the ninja crop. For all of his foolishness, Sarutobi had earned his title as God of Shinobi. Danzou's skills were in tactical thinking and training, not elite ability. So when Namikaze Minato was named Yondaime Hokage, much to the surprise of every single member of the council, Danzou had not raised any objections; more accurately he had enthusiastically supported the nomination. For all of Danzou's faults, he respected and encouraged strength.

Namikaze Minato certainly qualified as strong. Not only was he strong, he also led with a purpose. He was not as hard-nosed as Danzou would have liked, but when you are as strong as the Yondaime was Danzou did not dictate terms to you.

So when the Yondaime had asked for a meeting with him in the dead of night, Danzou saw no problem with taking him up on the offer. Danzou let out a wry chuckle at his own foolishness. Back then he had actually thought it was an _offer_ from the young man.

It was a week after Minato had officially taken up the mantle of Hokage; it was well past midnight when Danzou closed the door behind him and stood in the Hokage's office. Danzou glanced at the Hokage's desk to find no one behind it. Danzou's eyes flicked to the left and saw the Yondaime facing out towards the village, his hands linked behind his back. When he spoke it was with a grace that Danzou had not expected to hear out of the young man's mouth.

"When I was a young boy, I told Sarutobi-san that I did not like the title of Hokage. I understood what it was meant to represent, but I felt it was a distorted truth. I told him that I would take this title from him and change it to my own liking. I was not, I am not, content to be a background figure that merely watches over and protects the people of Konoha. I am going to be an example to both the civilian population as well as our ninja ranks. This brings me to why I asked to see you, Danzou-san." Minato turned around and Danzou had to stifle the fear that overtook him as he saw the dangerous look in Minato's eyes. When Minato spoke again, the grace in his voice had vanished.

"I know the crap you've pulled before, Danzou; in Rain, in countless other countries. You have subverted the will and the authority of the Hokage countless times to pursue your own agenda. The only reason you are still alive is because Sarutobi recognizes your arrogant maneuvering is all for the good of Konoha. If I did not seek my predecessor's opinions on the subject, you'd already be dead. You will stop all of your shadow operations immediately. You will disband ROOT immediately. If you hesitate for even an hour in these orders or if I catch wind that you are attempting to manipulate me, this office, or any of my agents I will kill you personally." Danzou bowed his head for a moment before nodding readily.

"As you wish, Hokage-sama." Danzou paused for a moment, before adding another thought, "If I may say a word; you can rest easy, Namikaze-san. I believe the village is in good hands with you, and the village does not need relics such as me as long as we have champions such as yourself. Good night, Hokage-sama." Danzou bowed and left the office. He would remain true to his word up until the night of the Kyuubi attack.

Danzou took a sip of his sake as he flipped another page in "_How to Dismantle the Konoha Infrastructure in Ten Easy Steps: Collector's Edition _by Uchiha Madara_._ Currently he was on step eight of the book. So far it had been very helpful in his plot to overthrow Tsunade and install a proper governing body in Konoha.

_In this step it is important to remember the plans you laid down in step five. Unlike popular, and therefore dumb, opinion, it is in fact vastly helpful to your plot to allow the current Hokage to suspect something is deeply amiss with the people around them. Not being able to know who they can trust will hinder ability to disguise who in fact they can trust, and that is the weakness I will teach you how to take advantage of in this chapter. Although if this fails, just go around stabbing people for as long as you can get away with it. Stabbing is awesome; stab as much as you can. Just stab your heart away. Well, another person's heart away at any rate. _

Danzou raised an eyebrow at the end of the latest paragraph. He had seen the reports on the Uchiha's mental instability, but he felt that perhaps those reports had underestimated the progression of their mental illness. It would take Danzou several hours to realize that he was basing the entire future of Konoha on a book written by a complete madman. Strangely, it didn't bother him nearly as much as the fact that the book only had nine steps.

**Elsewhere**

Uchiha Madara was currently enduring a sneezing fit of epic proportions. He never liked it when he sneezed, because it meant someone somewhere was either talking about him or thinking of him. Considering he wanted the rest of the world to believe he was as dead as could be, this was not an exciting prospect to behold. When the sneezes finally subsided he glanced over at his latest project: the Obligatory Chart of Doom, or OCD for short. (5) This chart of his, a flow-chart no less, was a special pet project that he had started when he realized he was thinking in circles on how to advance his plans for world domination. Every genius needed time to reflect on his amazing plotting ability, and Madara had always held a certain fondness for charts that just happened to flow. One end of the chart, marked "beginning", had "The world is happy, relatively free, and each individual thought for themselves." On the other end, marked "end", was "I control everyone, freedom is for communists, and thinking is passé."

All throughout the middle he made references to several organizations and people who needed to be placed in certain circumstances in order for this plan to succeed. Madara looked over his crafty manipulations-in-theory with pride until he noticed something strange. Many of the variables could be changed or pawns could react in a way that hindered him, but only one variable could doom his chart of doom: Uzumaki Naruto. Right under the section titled "Uzumaki Naruto is not contained properly" read "My plans fail." Madara's eye spun inside of its socket, a clear indication of his fury. For starters, he had _written that down_, so why was he just now realizing such a flaw existed? Madara sighed and dismissed his anger. It didn't matter; if his plan only had one damning flaw then surely the best course of action was to keep a closer eye on Uzumaki and nothing could fell his plans. With his flow-chart's success assured, Madara decided to take a well deserved nap.

It is said in Greek tragedies that the hero always has one fatal flaw that dooms him or her to the titular fate of tragedy. If anyone actually liked Uchiha Madara, they could say that his life was shaping up to be a Greek tragedy. However, since we can all agree he is a gigantic asshole, this one falls under comedy instead, which works just fine for all of us who sit back and laugh at his pending misfortune.

**In some undisclosed location.**

Sasuke was brooding. Usually this would not need to be stated again, as Sasuke shifting gears away from brooding would have ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time so big that no one would have needed notice when it happened. However, Sasuke managed to defy those odds by modifying his normal brooding state to a very annoyed brooding state. The word part about being in such a state is that he was not aware in the slightest why he was so annoyed. He had gone over his mental checklist and none of them seemed to apply. No one had mentioned his brother, no one had said a word anywhere close to sounding like his brother's name, and no one had looked at him in any way for weeks. Sasuke tapped his index finger on his chin, knowing he had forgotten something that annoyed him. Sasuke decided to shrug it off and go train, idleness was the devil's playground after all, and since Itachi was obviously the devil that meant Sasuke could not allow himself to be his brother's playground. We will, out of politeness, choose to ignore how Itachi up to this point has basically controlled every aspect of Sasuke's life building to one final climatic battle. Barring that, however, Uchiha Sasuke will be no one's play toy!

Of course, what Sasuke didn't know could in fact hurt him. Bertha the cat-girl was there, invisible, but ever present.

**Flashback**

"Give me more power, Orochimaru!"

"No you whiny brat, shoo."

Sasuke glowered and then pouted. Bertha got out her pen and paper and started to jot down notes about how Sasuke did not like hearing no.

"Orochimaru, you promised me power, I need it to kill my brother! Why don't you help me?" Sasuke took a defiant stand against his pale master.

"Sasuke, if you ask one more time I am going to take you out back and show you what else I have in common in snakes. You should run along while you still have the chance." Bertha was about to write more notes down when Sasuke spoke.

"Then do it. I don't care what you do with my body, I need power!"

Bertha took out a cup of coffee and took a big gulp.

She then proceeded to spit it out.

**End Flashback**

The cat-girl had studied Sasuke for quite some time now and after that startling discovery had to change much of her torture practice around. Even she, a supreme mistress of cruelty, had been shocked by that reaction. There had to have been one twisted bastard in Sasuke's life for him to be so desperate for power.

**In a cave**

Itachi was having some special super happy fun time with a corpse when he suddenly sneezed rather violently, causing him to accidently release a fire jutsu that torched the corpse completely. Itachi looked down at the corpse before poking it with his foot which promptly caused the corpse to turn to ashes on the cave floor.

"Damnit, that's the third one this week. I even managed to keep the mouth intact this time…" With a sigh Itachi headed back out.

**Back with Bertha**

Bertha was looking over her notes when she discovered a file on a girl named Karin at the back of Sasuke's folder. Quirking an eyebrow she opened the file and took a moment to read it. A very wicked grin spread across her pretty lips as she finished the file.

This woman was _purrrfect_ for her plans to torture Sasuke.

**With Minato**

Minato threw Zabuza's body to the ground which quickly woke the man up. Zabuza's brain was fogged over by his body told him he was in immediate danger.

"Welcome back to the world of the waking, Zabuza-kun. My patience is not doing as well as it usually is(6) so you may wish to get on with the show you have planned for me." Zabuza's blood ran cold as he heard Minato's cheerful voice behind him. Hearing Minato cheerful in that tone was like hearing death sing a ballad just for you: Not wanted, not needed, and scary as hell.

"Very well, Minato-sama. I hope my handiwork pleases you." With that ominous introduction, Zabuza snapped his fingers and the world around them warped into something completely different.

Minato glanced around and let out a soft whistle.

"OK, my urge to do you bodily harm has not increased so far, that should be encouraging to you." Minato was about to give a more detailed estimation of his surroundings when I decided to end the chapter there to be a bastard.

**To be Continued… **

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**Footnotes: **

(1) It should be noted that his calendar did in fact have room for quite a few extracurricular activities as far as the Shinigami was concerned. He had written weeks upon weeks of quality time for the two of them to go fishing, have picnics while talking about "the good ole days", and plot ways to make Orochimaru's afterlife be spent as far away from the Shinigami as godly possible.

(2) As with most words out of the Shinigami's mouth, this too is a lie. Over the many centuries (according to the Shinigami it is centuries, in actuality it is more like eternities) he has had the chance to study, dissect, and closely examine thousands upon thousands of humans both in a state of life as well as death, sometimes something in between the two! Although to this day he can still not understand how this species managed to evolve into the dominant species of its planet when people of Minato's caliber were the very rare exception, and not the rule. He also discovered he had a boob fetish.

(3) For those not keeping score with the home edition of this selection of Afterlife adventures, the Shinigami's face is described as many things throughout this story and pretty is not among them. The contortion which the Shinigami's face undertakes when he is tasked with the ancient art of "smiling" is so gruesome that this writer has never before attempted to describe the action in all of its vivid horror, nor will I do so now. Take solace in the fact that it is in my mind that the image of his face is burned into, and not your own, dear reader.

(4) As the writer of this story I am impressed when a character that I am portraying manages to be faster than me. I looked at my screen and suddenly the words were written without any previous thought on my behalf. This is a true testament to how fierce the Shimigami's powers are. It also may be a testament to what happens when I give up coffee and I am writing in the early morning, but I'll give the push to the Shinigami this time.

(5) OCD, of course, stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It should be clarified that it is mere coincidence that a title for a project by Uchiha Madara just so happens to be abbreviated using the same letters as this disorder. This writer cannot think of one example where Uchiha Madara has shown the least bit of unhealthy obsession towards any subject in his entire life. Now excuse me as I go into my bathroom and laugh myself hoarse, because that's probably the funniest line I'll ever write in my career.

(6) Minato's patience is known for doing extremely well. One time it was run over by a stampede of charging bulls and it lived to tell the tale. When asked about it later, Minato's patience attributed surviving such a terrible event by sitting on top of a very narrow window ledge and remaining very still for several hours without making a noise.

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**A/N: **Breaking the fourth wall can often result in hilarious moments such as this. The scene I have planned for Zabuza's master plot is way too big for this chapter to contain, and while I would have loved to fit it in… The Danzou scene completely ran away from me. I thought it was going to be short, it became long, and that became a problem. But hey, more good times next chapter for us, am I right? I wrote most of this chapter in a day, further proving that when I put my mind to it I am still capable of busting out chapters. Sadly, been really busy lately.

Anyway, now it is your job: Review, tell me how I did. You must review. If you do not review you will make Minato very sad, and when he is sad he starts butchering your loves one. Think of the children, for Shinigami's sake!

In fact, let me give you a poll question for you to answer. Of the following females, which would you like to see in a segment next chapter that portrays them in a hilarious light.

Temari

Sakura

Hinata

Anko

Tsunade

Other (Specify!)

I figure everyone loves polls, right? I don't have a real preference but as with Danzou I am trying to get some of the living characters a scene or two just so everyone can get abused by me. So, answer if you want to influence the powers that be!

- Chris


	24. Fun

**A/N: **I am a sick guy sometimes, and I just thought you should know that. I can go most of the month without writing a single word for this story and then bam! One morning of peace to myself and I churn out three thousand words as if I do it every day. This chapter has what I believe is the single longest interrupted scene in the entirety of this fanfiction, clocking in a little under the aforementioned 3K mark. I had a change of heart as I was writing this chapter in terms of the punishment that I had teased before. It just wasn't enough for me, so I remixed it and I hope it turned out better than what you had expected.

**Important: Chapter 2 has been edited, lengthened, and its new and improved form is now available to be read**.** So when you are done reading chapter 22, go back and read 2. Basically this update has a lot to do with the number 2 for some odd reason. Tell me how you think I did with it, too. I don't want to be going back and editing the old chapters and making them WORSE, after all. **

Responses to Reviews!

E Mirch: Wow, what an ego boost that was to me. I think I had that on copy and paste for quite some time. It isn't every day that I get a reviewer who is so passionate about my stuff that they decide to review a story for the first time in **two years** just to show their pleasure at my writing. Also I hope you didn't read my other stories as they are quite outdated in terms of writing, and I'd hate for you to be disappointed. I just wanted to respond and let you know that you put several bounces in my step with that review, and I thank you for your kind words, and I am very glad that you got so much joy from the insanity inside of my head. That being said, please don't stay a stranger and let another two years pass before you decide to drop in for another review. Oh, and I just saw that you even recommend my story in your profile, so thank you for that as well. Happy Reading!

To the five or so people who called me a bastard: Glad to be of service

Enjoy the chapter.

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**Chapter 22: Fun**

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Temari was in a good mood. She was currently sitting in her very plush room in Suna snacking on a bag of cookies. Not just any ordinary type of cookie though. These cookies were _delicious_, and it is a scientifically proven fact that delicious cookies are by far the best kind of cookies. Temari sighed in delight. Life was good when you didn't have any younger siblings trying to kill you or an annoying leaf ninja complaining to you about his troublesome life. With a bag full of imported cookies in front of you, problems seemed so far away. In fact, the cute blonde ninja was as content as she had been in a very long time. Nothing could ruin this moment for her.

For those of you versed in how life(1) works, the next line is not going to come as much of a surprise to you.

Just as she was about to reach for another cookie a soft voice interrupted her quiet time, causing her to freeze.

"Temari your… chewing woke me," Gaara said this almost inaudibly. Temari's blood ran cold as she slowly turned to face her younger brother, Gaara. His eyes were barely open but the blonde could see the distinct look of annoyance in those green eyes.

"I am sorry Gaara, I did not realize you were trying to sleep. I will try to keep it down." Temari did not need to add that it went unsaid between the two that the young Kazekage did not actually hear any sort of chewing coming from the room. Temari's love of sweets was legendary in Suna; she loved sweets so much that she had a habit of letting out moans of pleasure when she had a particularly good sweet in her mouth. In this context, "sweet" refers to chocolate and anything chocolate related.

I told you those were some damn good cookies.

Gaara eyed Temari for a moment before simply nodding at the apology, seemingly accepting it. Temari let out a sigh of relief before Gaara spoke again.

"I'm hungry, give me the cookies," Gaara said in a voice that left no room for argument. Temari froze at the sudden spike of killing intent coming from her brother. For half a second Temari thought of refusing, but her survival instincts quickly caught up to her stomach and she handed over the bag silently. Gaara waved his hand in a subdued motion and turned to go. Before he left, he made a casual comment. Well, casual for him anyway.

"By the way Temari, I know you are proud of your growing breasts, but please make sure they are inside of your kimono when I'm present." Temari blinked for a moment before looking down and seeing her usually restrained breasts just hanging outside of her kimono, perky as you please. Temari quickly covered herself, blushing furiously. Temari was just glad that her brother was insane and a psychopath, not a pervert.

Gaara sat down at his desk, the official Kazekage desk, and quietly munched on a chocolate chip cookie. The short-statured boy was not used to being able to enjoy many hobbies or personal pursuits, but he had quickly decided after his battle with Naruto that Chocolate was a worthy investment of his snack time.

Gaara opened up his journal and studied the blank pages for a moment before starting to write down his thoughts.

_Temari still believes I'm homicidal despite the fact that the one-tailed beast was extracted from me. Operation "Get cookies" is a resounding success. Also, I saw Temari's breasts today. I approve, they seemed quite big and soft. _

Gaara paused here for a moment to wipe the drool from his mouth before continuing.

_I will continue monitoring Temari's grocery shopping to ensure that I can get the optimal amount of cookies over the upcoming weeks. Cookies are awesome._ _Breasts are awesome as well, although that statement requires further research._

Here Gaara paused once more before adding one final line in his entry.

_A lot of research._

**With Minato and Zabuza**

Minato was not easily impressed. There was a day when Kakashi had killed four hundred rock nin in a single day and he had a certain swell in his chest while he told his teacher about it; the swell had deflated quickly when he noticed the four thousand that Minato had managed to kill in half the time. If you are going to impress the blonde it is usually a good idea to either go big or go home. The sight before the ninja qualified as big.

A giant casino surrounded Minato as his eyes darted all around. Bright lights shone from the ceiling allowing the entire room to be lit. Minato had never seen such a sight before. The room was populated with many card tables, each made of gold instead of the normal wood. In fact, quite a bit of the room was made of either gold or sparkling jewels that seemingly begged to be observed. There were dozens of people in the Casino playing different games and socializing with each other. There was just one problem.

"Zabuza, what does this casino have to do with torturing Kakuzu?" Minato's eyes hardened as he stared at Zabuza, apparently wanting a response quickly.

Zabuza schooled his features and let out a few coughs to clear out his throat. "I read Kakuzu's profile and I quickly threw together what was clearly his worst nightmare." When Minato realized no further explanation was coming he made a hand gesture beckoning for Zabuza to continue in further detail. Zabuza looked nervous at this point, thinking to himself that perhaps those flash cards could, and should, have been studied further before letting Minato know what he had done.

So when he talked again, he mustered all of the vagueness he could muster. "While I _could_(2) describe exactly what is going on, but showing you would be both faster and more informative." Zabuza paused for a moment before adding, "Plus he's just over here." Zabuza pointed to a door on the west side of the room that read "Fun" in big, blocky, orange letters. Minato was well aware that Zabuza had been intentionally vague and was about to shove him head first into the ground when he remembered what the Shinigami had said about treating his assistant a bit more kindly. Minato decided that perhaps patience was not undue here.

When the blonde spoke, it was to the point.

"Fine, but try not to waste my time. You have already overstepped your bounds by doing this on your own, and more importantly you broke my trust in you. This had better be good." Zabuza could have sworn he had heard an "or else" in there somewhere, but held out hope that perhaps it was just his imagination.

Zabuza silently lead Minato over to the door and quickly opened it, gesturing to his boss that he should go in first. Minato eyed him suspiciously for a moment before entering.

Minato was greeted with a surprising sight: A bathroom. A very ordinary looking bathroom at that. The walls were painted white and the stalls were a faded black. Minato slowly advanced into the room, and as he did so he glanced to his right and noticed a large mirror running the length of the wall with three sinks in front of it.

"You certainly picked the right profession Zabuza, your interior decorating skills leave much to be desired," Minato said with a fair amount of bite.

Zabuza gave the blonde a sour look, clearly not impressed.

"Yes, says the man who spends his days in a white space. I will surely take your advice on how to spruce up a room." Minato mused that Zabuza's sarcasm was not waning even in his secretary's advanced state of panic.

"Y'know Zabuza, I don't think sarcasm is going to serve you well here." Zabuza shrugged off Minato's threatening response.

"I either use sarcasm or I find myself a good corner to cry in while I await my doom. Frankly just because I am afraid of you doesn't mean I am going to change my personality when you make a stupid comment." Minato gave Zabuza a look that made the swordsman uneasy. After a moment, Minato shrugged and smiled.

"Fair enough. Now that you've rediscovered your spine let us continue on to the reason we are here." Zabuza decided that it was of no interest to him to continue their verbal sparring and pointed to the far stall to Minato's left. Minato walked over to the stall and pushed it in, then let out a barking laugh and spoke.

"OK, I think this is going to have to be explained by a very long story." Before Minato's eyes there was the sobbing, sniffling form of Kakuzu. The same man that had once fought the first Hokage, killed thousands, and was an all around jerk. Here he was, crying like a little baby. Looking closer the late Hokage spotted a gold coin on the ground next to Kakuzu and reached down to pick it up. The coin was heavier than it looked and had a profile of… Minato blinked stupidly as he beheld the sight in front of him.

"Ain't I a looker," Zabuza said, not missing a beat. Minato looked from the golden visage of Zabuza, mask and all, to the real one by his side back to the coin which had the words "Zabuza Token" written in tiny gold letters above Zabuza's profile.

"What the fuck," Minato said, glaring at Zabuza. "Zabuza, I leave you alone for a few hours and the most you manage to do with an Akatsuki member is to make him cry because of how ugly you look on a coin. This is the best you could do?" Minato gave Zabuza a look of utter exasperation while Zabuza's left eye began to tick at the insult.

"No," Zabuza began, "That is not the best I could do, and considering how handsome I look on that coin I am highly offended." At this comment Minato couldn't help but to roll his eyes, although if Zabuza noticed he chose not to comment. Before Zabuza could continue his explanation the coin in Minato's hand disappeared and Minato gave a startled yelp(3) in surprise.

"And so it begins again," Zabuza said.

"What are you talking about?" Minato was now frowning at Zabuza, in contrast to Zabuza's newly formed grin.

"Well, _boss_," Zabuza started with no small amount of disrespect, "Despite only apprenticing with you for a few short years now, I have learned a lot in the department of judging. It took me several hours but I managed to create a time loop thingy to torture Kakuzu forever." Zabuza's chest puffed out in pride while Minato looked at him like he was an idiot.

"The Shinigami did it, didn't he." Minato hadn't questioned, merely stated the obvious.

"Always so paranoid Minato-kun, I am offended." Minato nearly jumped out of his own spiritually defined skin as the Shinigami appeared directly behind him with no warning. Not caring what state he had just put Minato in, he continued.

"I may have pointed Zabuza in a correct direction here or there, certainly, but the majority of the idea and the more creative aspects of this little scheme are all his, I assure you." The Shinigami gently ruffled Minato's already badly messed hair, much to the blonde's displeasure. Before the Shinigami could mock Minato further the scene around them changed and they were at the entrance to the casino once more.

"What exactly is going on?" Minato was not known to be a patient man, and his questions being deflected again and again had not gone unnoticed by him. The Shinigami opened a portal and cackled.

"Just watch, I found it quite enjoyable the first few times myself." With nothing more to say the Death God stepped through his self-created portal and exited from their presence.

A moment later Kakuzu stepped into the casino with a frown. The last thing he remembered was that runt Kakashi of the Sharingan shoving a hand into his chest, then only darkness. He knew from experience that punks like Hatake Kakashi were second class ninja, doomed to never reach the heights of the world like he had. In fact, he had proven that quite nicely before that brat had shown up. Except instead of being a brat, it turned out that he was a monster in disguise. No wet behind the ears newbie should be able to use that much force behind an attack, much less land it effectively on such an experienced ninja. He hadn't had any doubt that Akatsuki was going to succeed until the fox container had left him helplessly sprawled out on the ground. Now, standing here nice and dead, he knew the ugly truth: He was just the first wall for young Uzumaki Naruto to shatter on his path to the top of the ninja world.

For the first time since arriving Kakuzu took in his surroundings. He had been expecting something a lot different than a luxury casino to greet him when he died, that was for certain. Before he had time to ponder his placement any further a beautiful woman wearing a blue uniform walked up to him with a broad smile on her face.

"Hello Kakuzu-sama, welcome to Z-Casino. Please take this complimentary Z-Coin and enjoy one of our many games." The woman gave Kakuzu a gold coin, bowed politely, and then walked away. Kakuzu glanced at the coin for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. Money was good to have, after all. Perhaps there were some like-minded individuals in the afterlife after all.

Kakuzu walked forward and tried to find a game to win at to increase his net worth in the afterlife. Kakuzu was well aware that the only way to make more money was either through hard work (preferably bloody work) or through risking the money you already had in hopes of gaining more money. Kakuzu slowly made his way through the casino looking over each of the games, attempting to see one that he could try. As the minutes passed he began to realize that all of the games he had seen so far had a two Z-Coin minimum attached to them if you wanted to play. He had to push his anger to the back of his mind as he continued to look for a game that he could spend his coin on. The minutes passed and he grew more agitated that he could not find a single game, vendor, or table that his singular coin could be spent at. Growing frustrated, and more than a little embarrassed, the bulky man approached the woman that had greeted him upon his arrival and spoke to her tersely.

"Hey! Why did you give me this useless coin? I can't enjoy any of these stupid games if I don't have the right amount of coins to even participate. What kind of joke is this?" Kakuzu was towering over the petite woman in front of him who did not appear very comfortable being so close to the angered man. The smile she had flashed to him earlier disappeared and she was looking around frantically for someone to help her out of her current situation. Minato and Zabuza, who were approximately ten meters from Kakuzu watched the scene with differing opinions of the scene.

Zabuza was quite pleased with himself, as from his vantage point everything was going exactly as planned. Kakuzu was going to get angry, and then cry like a baby, and finally break down as his soul was destroyed by his own greed. An amazingly simple plan when all was said and done. It had come as a big surprise that something that was said to be so complicated, the art of judging heinous souls, turned out to be very easy. After Minato was done watching this display of judging talent perhaps he would allow Zabuza to have more responsibility. Certainly, the blonde man could no longer mock him by calling him his secretary after this.

Minato was not having such lighthearted thoughts at the moment. His senses, as keen as they were, told him that something was missing from this situation. Something in the air felt off. He glanced over to Zabuza and saw him smiling contently. Zabuza clearly thought everything was under control, the man did not even flinch when Kakuzu had started to threaten the hostess moments ago. Minato returned his gaze to Kakuzu, his eyes focusing on the tall man trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with the situation.

"Wait," Minato said, turning to Zabuza. The man raised an eyebrow to his boss. "You did perform a genjutsu on Kakuzu before you entrapped him in this loop, right?" Zabuza, at the mention of the word "genjutsu", began to sweat nervously as Minato gave him a hard look.

"Uh, why would a genjutsu be needed in this situation?" Minato gave Zabuza a look that clearly said "Are you fucking kidding me?" before pinching the bridge of his nose in clear exasperation.

"Zabuza, when confining a strong spirit such as Kakuzu to an infinite loop cycle(4) such as this it is not enough to simply place him in the middle of a room and allow the loop to repeat endlessly. It takes several high level genjutsu to properly prepare a spirit for such a rigorous event. If you are telling me that you did _none_ of these genjutsu then what you have just told me is that you have created a ticking time bomb that has only not derailed the illusion you have created through nothing mere chance up until this point. Do you know why I judge souls, Zabuza? Because outside of the white space, a very empty and a very controlled environment, the afterlife is interconnected quite nicely. Without properly containing them they are free to roam and do as they please, with very few beings in all of the vastness of the afterlife to get in their way. What you have done, Zabuza, is endanger countless spirits to be at the whim of a very pissed off and powerful soul." By the time Minato was done with his explanation Zabuza had gone pale in realization of how majorly he had screwed up the situation. Before he could apologize, however, there was a scream and both whipped their heads around to see Kakuzu throw the hostess like a ragdoll against a stone pillar. Minato rushed in without a second thought to incapacitate Kakuzu as quickly as possible.

Proving that even great ninja make mistakes sometimes.

Minato, in his haste, was not careful enough and caught a powerful right cross from Kakuzu which sent him flying across the room. Minato hit a wall on the far side of the casino, causing part of the wall to collapse from the force and leaving a great deal of rubble on top of Minato. Zabuza's eyes were wide at the sight, never seeing Minato take a clean hit like that before.

"Zabuza of the Seven Swordsman, I see that you enjoyed the view of my tears earlier, how arrogant. A young pup like you is decades too soon to try to manipulate the likes of me!" Kakuzu turned his rage to Zabuza who steeled himself for a battle. Kakuzu's eyes glinted as his sight landed on a card table to his left. Without any more preamble he picked up the card table effortlessly and threw it right at Zabuza. All joking aside, however, Zabuza was not some failure of a ninja and sliced straight through the table with his sword, the two pieces of the table crashing on either side of him.

"Impressive swordsmanship, Swordsman," Kakuzu praised. "You do your name a good service, at least. Of course, trying to manipulate me comes with a price." Kakuzu's legs tensed, an indication that he was about to leap forward. However, the leap would never occur as his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell forward with a loud thump onto the ground, face first. In place of Kakuzu's towering figure was the slender form of Namikaze Minato, who cut an impressive figure. His fists were clenched and his face was contorted in a look of pure rage. When he spoke, the rage he was feeling was evident in his voice, although he did not speak any louder than he normally did.

"And you, Akatsuki member Kakuzu, will never be in the class of ninja who gets to turn his back to me without regretting it." Minato reached down and grabbed himself a handful of Kakuzu's hair and yanked the limp form to its knees. He dragged Kakuzu with him as he went over to Zabuza, who tried to mask his fear from the fearsome man in front of him.

"This is not the end of our conversation, Zabuza." Zabuza put away his sword and nodded wordlessly, not trusting himself to talk at that particular moment. He had never seen Minato this angry with him before, and knew trouble when he saw it.

Minato formed a seal and a moment later both he and Kakuzu were gone.

**Konoha**

Tenten's near naked body was sweating profusely. She was reaching near the limits of her endurance, but pressed on despite that. This time of day was very important to her. This was when she prayed in front of her make-shift shrine in her backyard. It was a time where she could spiritually cleanse herself after a long, hard day of physical exertion. Her eyes opened slowly, exiting her meditative state as easily as she had entered it. She glanced lovingly at the sword before her, its metal gleaming in the sunlight. A smile formed on her face as she took out her polishing ointment from a nearby box and began to work on her sword gently. The sword was a family heirloom, passed down to her from her father after she had graduated from the academy. She treated this sword with the reverence she felt it deserved, and always made sure to keep it looking as outstanding as the day she got it. She stroked the sword gently, her fingers moving up and down the hard edge of the blade. She was about to finish when she heard a shy voice from behind her.

"H-Hello, Tenten-san." Tenten whirled around to see Hinata Hyuuga, heiress to her clan, standing there with a deep blush on her face. It didn't take Tenten long to discover why the young Hyuuga was blushing so furiously as she remembered her current state of undress. It wasn't that she was naked, but having a sweat-drenched tank top and a pair of panties on hardly could be considered everyday wear. Tenten tried to put Hinata at ease.

"Hiya Hinata-chan! Don't worry about this, we are both girls, yeah? Nothing to be shy about. What can I do for ya?" Tenten smiled wide trying to make Hinata feel at ease, and it appeared to work as Hinata's body relaxed considerably. Tenten liked Hinata, the girl was painfully shy but always so earnest. She had conducted herself very well during their first Chuunin exam together, giving Neji an inspired fight.

"F-Father just wanted me to deliver a message letting you know that Neji-kun would not be able to make it to your team's next training session, he has family business to take care of. Seeing as Gai-san and Lee-kun are off training at the moment…" Hinata blushed and ducked her head, embarrassment still evident on her face. Tenten got the message, however.

"Right, so I am the responsible one to tell, I understand." Tenten brushed herself off and got to her feet. She was about to close her sword's shrine when Hinata interjected.

"Tenten-san, what were you doing anyway?" Hinata's curiosity it seemed had finally gotten the better of her shyness.

"Ah, I was just taking care of my sword. If I do not polish it every day it will slowly begin to diminish in quality. When I was a little girl my father told me that the things you love will feel neglected if you do not take care of them properly. Even seemingly inanimate objects know when they are taken care of, and will therefore love you back." Hinata nodded absently and exited quietly.

Later that night, Hinata was in her bedroom in front of a shrine of her own. In the middle of it was a picture of Naruto, his face split open in a huge grin that was looking right at Hinata. She took out a tube of polishing ointment and began to rub it all over Naruto's picture. She didn't know exactly how this would make Naruto love her back, but if polishing Naruto nightly would earn her his affection, then she was willing to polish Naruto as furiously as was required until she had earned his love.

Somewhere, Jiraiya gained a hop in his step and a grin on his face, something that would confuse him when he tried to think of why it happened hours later.

**With Minato and Kakuzu**

Minato kicked the unconscious form of Kakuzu, who abruptly awoke groaning in pain. Kakuzu's eyes began to focus on Minato, who stood over him. He didn't need to be told that they were on a boat, a small one at that. Kakuzu looked overhead and saw nothing but dark clouds above him.

"Welcome to the endless ocean, Kakuzu-san. It is well named, as there is nothing but water in this realm. It goes on and on, forever. No floor." Minato's hand touched the surface of the dark blue water and gently moved it around. Kakuzu tried to attack him in this moment but found himself restrained by some unknown force. Minato turned back to him and smirked.

"Ingesting a handful of this water paralyzes your body, it is very poisonous to the spirits of the dead in that way. I doubt you can even talk at the moment." To prove his point, Kakuzu attempted to let out a string of curses, but they never came out.

"You will find that you would have been better off playing nice with Zabuza's piss poor excuse for a judgment, Kakuzu. At least there you would have had some measure of freedom. Zabuza is amateur hour compared to me, as you are about to discover." Minato grabbed Kakuzu by the scruff of his shirt and dragged him to the edge of the boat, his face only a few inches from the water's surface. He did not have any time to think of what the former Hokage had in store for him as Minato's hand shoved the Akatsuki member's head into the water. As water rushed into his mouth Kakuzu felt the terrible sensation of drowning as the force of Minato's hand did not relent, even when his instincts managed to overpower the toxin in his body and he could offer faint resistance. After what seemed like hours Minato yanked him back up to the boat, the water clearing up from his lungs quickly.

"It absorbs itself into your soul quite quickly. On the one hand, this means you can't really drown from the water. On the other hand, that does mean you can spend an eternity in this water and always feel like you are freshly drowning. An accurate description, because when you are in this water your soul is going to drown. Bit by bit, what made you who you are is dissolved under the intensity of the water. Then, one day, you will no longer exist. You will just have added to the water of this ocean, your existence nothing but an inconvenient memory to those who once knew you." Kakuzu's eyes bulged in horror more and more with each passing explanation.

Minato picked Kakuzu up once more and placed him at the edge of the boat, but paused for a moment.

"Who knows though. Maybe one day, some distant day, when the rest of Akatsuki is here I will retrieve whatever is left of your rotten soul from the endless depths of this abyss." Minato got a wistful expression on his face from this, and in that moment Kakuzu knew he was in the presence of a monster far greater than himself. Minato's expression faded from his face and he gave an exaggerated sigh.

"Well, that's for another day. Happy swimming!" With a wink and a humorless laugh Minato threw Kakuzu over the edge of the boat. The judge of the dead watched Kakuzu sink into the dark ocean, never taking his cold gaze off of him until he was out of sight.

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**Footnotes:**

**(1)** Life's a bitch.

**(2)** The word could in this instance has a different meaning than what one would normally assume. In any normal setting it usually refers to the ability to actually do something, even though you might not actually do said something. In this instance it was Zabuza all but saying "I have no idea how I would ever do this so I hope to whatever deity currently does not want to chew my face off that Minato just goes with this plan.

**(3)** It has come to this writer's attention that Minato does not yelp. This helpful reminder was brought to me by a man who had several pointy objects poking out of him as a word of warning. So, with that said, Minato "shouted in an incredibly manly fashion" can be safely inserted into that spot and it would be much more accurate than my first criminally inaccurate take.

**(4)** An infinite loop cycle can best be described as an afterlife scenario that runs itself for all of eternity or until eternity gets bored with your dumb scenario. The scenario will go from the beginning to a certain end point, usually when a predetermined condition has been met, to the start again without anyone who is within the targeted scenario's parameters being any the wiser. It should be noted, of course, that the more powerful the soul encased inside of a loop cycle the more likely it is that eternity's preset parameters will fail to properly adjust for their ability to break the loop and run amuck, which explains why several other techniques and illusions of a highly complex nature are heaped upon them for added insurance as a matter of regular procedure.

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**A/N: **And done. This chapter could have possibly been out sooner but I was finishing a term at school as well as working on an actual book of mine. Just think, one day I will have you guys in fits with characters wholly made up from my own imagination! This is almost what I am doing now, to be blunt, but hey! Totally different!

Last chapter I asked for my ego to be fed and I got more reviews for a chapter than I had gotten in many, many chapters. Huh, guess you guys liked that. Or maybe it was the ability to choose who got scenes in my chapter. Well, let's not tempt fate here I guess. Since I had no problem, and in fact took great joy in writing the two scenes that the reviewers picked out (Temari and Hinata) I'll ask again. Some would say that asking reviewers for their input is a sign that I don't know where this story is going and a sure sign that I am ass kissing reviewers. My response? Of course I don't know what the hell I am doing, do you think this stuff is _planned?_ Good lord, I'd have to check myself into a mental ward if I could pre-plan this type of insanity. As for ass kissing reviewers, probably guilty as charged. Then again, many of you poor bastards have either put up with me when I was a lot worse at writing or when I didn't update for over a year, so I figure I can show some love and not be too out of line.

Poll: Which female would you like to see in a humorous scene next chapter:

Anko

Sakura

Tsunade

Shizune

Ino

Other (Specify!)

Do be kind to your fellow fans even if you are a Temari or Hinata fan, I just did a scene for them, so don't be greedy!

See you next time.

- Chris


	25. Life Sucks

**A/N: I don't really have much of anything to say except this chapter went pretty smooth while I was writing it, which made it pretty easy for me to get it all done when I had some free time. So I'll get to some reader reviews! Well, one thing. The Shinigami basically decided to take over this chapter completely, and I fully expect the next few chapters to have a lot more of Minato's joker side in them. **

EeBee-kohai: You are a real heartbreaker, you know that? Ask for my hand in marriage in one moment, then cruelly saying that it was just a joke the next. Alas, I will use my vast stores of self-esteem and will power to move past you. I am glad that you have enjoyed my story so far, and I am also glad that my writing is worthy of a marriage proposal, even in jest. Happy reading.

IAMNOTCORY: Well, I think you are the first person to really be offended by the whole Itachi angle involving dead bodies. A part of me understands how such content could be objectionable and that you might not like it, and that's fine and I understand that. However, with that said, I still find it hilariously out of character yet just possible enough to find a lot of humor in it. Also while I love my reviewers, and I don't mind too much input, you have to keep in mind that your vision of Minato and Itachi's meeting is going to be far different than mine. While my story can be serious at times, it is, at its core, humorous and badass. Itachi crying about his family issues does not really fit my ends very well, so you aren't likely to see it happen.

To every reviewer who thought the Hinata scene was really creepy: Oops. I owe you guys another Hinata scene sometime on the house; we'll see when I can get that in.

Happy reading folks.

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**Chapter 23: Life Sucks**

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Oh, and thanks Nick (yes, that Nick) for editing my chapter, much appreciated.

The Shinigami frowned, which promptly caused eighteen animals and three people in various realms of existence to promptly fall over dead. The Shinigami was not one to frown; it was both unusual and very creepy. When the being responsible for all of death thought something warranted him to frown, bad things usually followed. Parades followed as well, but those were looked into and they were decided to be merely coincidental rather than having any sort of connection to do with the Shinigami's frowns. Bad things, or as the Shinigami preferred to say, "Amusing happenstances", definitely always followed after a frown. The Shinigami is not put into a foul mood without consequence, certainly. That being said he had many mood swings throughout a typical day, but this particular one was troubling even him because of what caused it: his favorite pet project had pretty much jumped off the deep end. The pet project, Minato, had been getting more and more stressed on the job. The Shinigami should have seen it coming; years ago he would have never had to remind Minato of his place in such a harsh manner(1). Something was wrong. The Shinigami sighed and sat down in his plush chair in his richly decorated office. No one but other deities was allowed here and, for obvious reasons(2,) none of them ever dropped by. This was Death's retreat during the rare times where he had to collect his thoughts and devise proper strategies and problem solving mechanics instead of his usual "Kill, Incinerate, Laugh, Leave"(3) method which he relied upon a majority of the time.

The Shinigami sipped on his tea, he liked this particular kind; it was made from the blood of virgins.

The Shinigami looked around his office and allowed the vastness of his conscious mind to process the facts as he knew them. He knew only a few short years ago that Minato was unaffected by his work; his mental stability was unquestionable. Something had changed, something key. In the mental makeup of a human being, it didn't take much to offset the center of balance in their personality. Ninjas walked a fine line between controlled chaos and unyielding insanity. Minato in particular had a lot to keep under wraps; obtaining the strength he had could cause lesser men to snap in an instant, and even to him it was a burden, one he normally managed well. Despite that, something had obviously changed; now it was just a matter of time until he figured out what it was and how to fix it. His mind wandered around, not finding any answers, much to his annoyance. Just when the Shinigami was about to concede defeat, the thought of his arch-rival Bob sprung into his mind and his eyes narrowed. He hadn't thought of Bob in awhile, not since that whole incident with their bet on Kyuubi versus Minato. In fact, the Shinigami thought that Bob had been entirely too quiet lately. The Shinigami was devious by nature; one didn't get to be in a position to kill countless living souls without being able to sneak around. Life, however, wasn't used to having to act sneaky, so perhaps Bob thought if he had done something bad it would be best to slink in the shadows and act as if nothing was wrong.

The Shinigami snapped his fingers and in an instant he was in the waiting room of the damned, where Bob was whistling a merry tune by himself.

"Hello, Bob." The Shinigami did not have time for games and the tone of his voice let Bob know this was not a casual visit. Bob got the message, and naturally chose to ignore it entirely.

"Shinigami-kun! Nice to see you once again! It seems like ages since we last spoke, what brings you around my part of the neighborhood today?" Bob smiled and stood up to properly greet his fellow deity. Bob seemed genuinely pleased to see the Shinigami; his movements had no hesitation or worry within them. The Shinigami tilted his head, pondering for a moment how to handle this. After a moment, he decided that being blunt would be appropriate here.

"Did you tamper with Minato, Bob?" Bob smiled pleasantly at the question.

"Of course I did." There was not a trace of malice or denial in his voice as he admitted to screwing with the Shinigami's favorite soul, which put the Shinigami on guard. He was expecting a denial, some sort of half-truth even, but blunt honesty was not something often seen around the afterlife, especially when one talked to their peers. The Shinigami, not one to show his confusion, responded quickly.

"Well, I am glad to see you are as honest and simple as ever, Bob-kun. Then we will be on our way to fix Minato then." The Shinigami motioned for them to exit through the door in front of them, but Bob did not budge an inch.

"Shinigami-kun, I have no plans to reverse what I did. That man was a blight to my creations, he sealed the Kyuubi inside of a container who cannot use him correctly, leaving my amazing beast to rot inside of a jail cell for a time undetermined. I want his avarice and his anger to conquer him and leave him a hollowed shell of his former self. There is nothing you can do to get me to change my mind, so spare me one of your self-absorbed speeches about how great and powerful you are, as much as I enjoy being your rival I do not care what you have to say on this particular manner. Be on your way now." The Shinigami's eyes narrowed, both in fury and in thought. Bob certainly was not devious, nor was he nearly as clever as he thought he was. Granter of life he may have been, but brain surgeon he was not. It was time to be clever, which meant that the Shinigami had to use one of his most diabolical and nefarious methods of extracting information.

Asking for it.

"Very well then, if you say so." The Shinigami paused for a moment, mostly for dramatic effect. Sadly, Bob actually thought it was quite dramatic and made a note to be impressed about it later. "By the way, I am very surprised you were able to manipulate a soul in that manner. I was not aware you could do such a thing; how would you go about reversing such a difficult procedure?" Bob, never one to take anything said by anyone else as anything but purely straightforward and without any ill intent at all, saw no reason to deny his rival the chance to know just how brilliant he really was.

"Oh, since you asked so politely, I suppose I should oblige you. It is very simple; all I have to do is touch his head with my hand, and the imbalance that I caused will right itself. I designed the defect to only respond to my touch, that way it would be impossible for anyone except me to reverse the effects. The perfect scheme, I am sure even you are impressed." Bob smiled at his rival , the triumph obvious in his eyes. In contrast, the Shinigami had gotten a very demented glint in his own eyes. When he responded, Bob got the feeling he should be worried.

"Yes, most impressive indeed, Bob-kun. Say, do those white robes stain?"

**Damnable White Space**

Minato sat at his desk, hard at work with his summation of Kakuzu's judgment. He was currently coloring in a pie chart which gave exact percentages to the various brain defects inside of Zabuza's head which had caused him to screw up so badly. Minato believed that the pie chart was the best type of chart; it gave a good visual for just about anything you could ever want it to, and a good visual was almost the entire point of any type of chart. If he had used a bar graph it just wouldn't have been the same. After Minato was finished coloring in this pie chart and finalizing his report, he was going to continue to beat the stuffing – otherwise known as guts – out of Zabuza. As if on cue Zabuza groaned on the ground a few dozen feet away from Minato, trying desperately to crawl away from his very displeased boss.

So engrossed was Minato in his work he failed to notice the Shinigami sneak up from behind him. Just as Minato noticed the presence of the Shinigami he was hit across the head with a very heavy object, which pulled Minato up out of his seat from the force behind the blow, causing him to stagger for a few steps even after his reflexes kicked in and enabled him to keep his feet under him. Minato, never one to miss the obvious question, promptly asked it.

"What the hell was that for?" Minato clutched at his head, pain pulsing out from his head. Yet, despite the great amount of pain, it also felt as if something had been lifted from him. A body completely erased from him. He glanced up at the Shinigami to see him waving around what appeared to be an… arm? An arm that had the sleeve of a white cloak around it, which was quickly being stained red with blood. The Shinigami looked down at him and shrugged.

"Our dear friend Bob thought it would be amusing to screw with your soul's makeup, turning up your aggression a few notches and letting you loose upon those you judged. It seems he thought it a fitting punishment for you. Alas, he did not see the problem in telling me the way to fix it, and so here we are." The Shinigami paused for a moment at the blank look that Minato was giving him. Perhaps some measure of clarification was in order. "He told me that he had to physically touch you in order to reverse the process. Unfortunately, he never really thought of a reason that his arm would be detached from the rest of him, and so here I am!" The Shinigami grinned as he chucked the arm over his shoulder, seemingly not caring what happened to it now that it had served its purpose.

"Was it necessary to hit me that hard?" At this the Shinigami quirked an eyebrow, almost accusingly.

"Of course not, Minato-kun, but it would have been terribly boring just to tap you. Besides, tampering or no, you've been quite snarky with me lately. I do believe I am letting you off light with just a smack to the back of your head." The Shinigami sent a pointed look Minato's way, which did its job of reminding Minato of the types of punishment the death god was more than capable of handing out.

"So, not to be a downer or anything, but isn't Bob going to be very upset about this?" Minato's question was met by a sinister chuckle. Then again, all of the Shinigami's chuckles were sinister, so that didn't exactly mean a whole lot.

"Well, let's just say that Bob is indisposed for a very long time."

"Shinigami-sama, what exactly did you do to him?"

The Shinigami's stance shifted slightly and the aura around him darkened.

"Something appropriate for trying to screw with something that belongs to me."

**Elsewhere**

Bob shivered; his body was unused to the frigid cold that this realm of existence had to offer. The Shinigami had bum rushed him, ripped his arm right off of his body, and then shoved him in this sorry excuse for a realm. Although if you asked Bob it resembled more of a snowball than a world of any kind. Bob had tried multiple times to escape this place, but each time his power seemed to leave him and he had to sit down, exhausted by the effort. After the eighth time he tried it, he heard a snort from behind him. Turning around, he was shocked to discover that he was not alone.

"You should keep up with the news, the Shinigami was owed a favor by Kami herself; it is her power that traps you here now. If you were better at your job, you probably could have felt the subtle presence of her power all around you. Way to fail, dude." Nick sat up a little straighter and stared at the god of life impassively. For his part, Bob was wholly confused.

"I do not understand what was going on. The last thing I remember was a conversation I was having with the Shinigami about his pet Hokage and-" Nick chose this time to interrupt.

"Dude, you screwed with the Shinigami's pet project. He has, like, a really bad obsession with that blonde guy. I am reckless, sociopathic, and have a total disregard for everything even resembling common courtesy, and even I wouldn't touch that guy. OK, if he had touched my fox-girl I might have kicked his ass, but fox-girls are awesome. I miss my fox-girl." At the end Nick's voice started to sound more whiny than sage-like and he was frowning ever so slightly(4).

"So," Bob started, trying to get used to his new companion, "What did you do to get stuck down here?" At the question Nick raised an eyebrow, his face ever so slightly puzzled(5).

"Stuck? Oh, I suppose you think this is some sort of punishment. After I made a deal with the Shinigami I asked to be put in some place nice and cold so I could be by myself. Other people bother me with their uselessness, so being alone is pretty awesome when you think about it."

**Flashback**

"Dear Satan, could you get me a pony for Christmas? I like ponies, and I promise if you send me a pony I'll be really naughty and plunder some stuff!

Sincerely,

Rusty"

Nick put down his 50th letter of the day and sighed. Whoever decided it was clever to tell mortals that Satan was still alive and well was going to pay moderately for this moderate annoyance.

**Elsewhere**

The Shinigami laughed _moderately_ evilly.

**Back with Nick and Bob in the Present**

"Yes, I can see how the entire living population believing they are writing to the embodiment of all evil and asking for inconsequential favors could get under your skin." Bob's words sounded sincere, but neither one of them pretended that he wasn't laughing on the inside.

"Yeah, well, you are struck with me now. I am feeling like a jerk too, which means I am going to recite every letter I have ever gotten that was addressed to the Devil. Spoilers, I have a really good memory when I put my mind to it." Bob closed his eyes and sighed. He just knew this was going to be painful. Worse still, He now was at the mercy of the Shinigami's kindness.

…

_Fuck._

**Back in the White Space**

"In brighter news," The Shinigami's voice had taken the "I am now changing the subject, so you are going to change it along with me or else" tone, "Now that I have once again saved your soul from itself, you can go back to being your usual cheerful self and judging souls. You have taken enough breaks from your job, and while Zabuza is a good replacement every now and then, I think it is time we get back to basics, wouldn't you say?" The Shinigami's tone of voice made it clear that he had, in fact, asked no question.

_I hope he doesn't expect me to say thanks or anything…_

The Shinigami coughed lightly, making his expectation perfectly clear to his underling.

"Thank you Shinigami for helping me, I will get back to work right away." At hearing this good news the Shinigami clapped excitedly, very pleased to hear Minato's response.

"That's what I like to hear, Minato-kun. Since you have a lot of work to do, I will not distract you any further. Happy judging!" With a snap of his fingers the Shinigami disappeared from the room, leaving Minato alone with the still groaning Zabuza.

**Meanwhile…**

Madara backed up from his chalkboard once again and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. His plans were always such a pain in the ass to work out, and he never quite understood why that was. He knew he was the smartest person in the world, yet he knew that people far below his level of intellect came up with world ruling plans that had a lot less steps than the ones he always managed to come up with. He was also pretty sure charts shouldn't have this many branching options while trying to be viable or, failing that fallacy, neat. It occurred to Madara, and not for the first time, that if he spent nearly as much time on actually putting these plots into motion rather than sitting in front of a blackboard and thinking them up years at a time that the world would likely be under his rule already. Yet, even though that seemed logical, he couldn't resist an overly long planning stage. If nothing else, perhaps he'd get lucky and all of the young ninja who opposed him would be old men, or dead, by the time he was ready to begin his scheme. A presence from behind him interrupted Madara's thoughts.

Madara turned to see his favorite(5) minion, Pain. He was in a new body and was staring intently at the blackboard behind Madara. For a brief moment the masked man thought he might have had his diagram on how to diffuse any sticky situations with Pain on it, but considering he was not currently being thrown around the room like a ragdoll he was forced to assume that one was thankfully not on the board behind him. Yet here Pain was, staring at the blackboard intently. Madara followed Pain's line of sight and discovered that he was staring at an outdated picture of Konoha's Hokage, Tsunade, back during the Second Shinobi War. Madara was surprised; the stoic Pain did not often take interest in members of the opposite sex. Not being able to resist, Madara donned his Tobi persona and spoke out.

"Tobi would be a very naughty boy with her, yes he would. Tobi thinks Pain-sama would love to nail(6) Tsunade, yeah?" At the word "nail" Pain's face developed a slight smirk.

"Damn", Pain said the word as if he had just thought of the best idea ever. Not saying another word he exited quietly, leaving Madara by himself.

Madara glanced back at the Tsunade picture and grabbed it off of the blackboard. Tobi was going to be a very naughty boy with her indeed. He quietly exited to his bedroom, deciding that world domination could wait, if only for a day.

**In Konoha…**

Anko sharpened her knife slowly as she eyed the man in front of her. This fifth rate ninja, and that was perhaps being too kind to scum such as him, had been spying on her while she bathed in the supposed privacy of her own home. Unfortunately for him, his ability to sneak around did not match the strength of his perversion, and he had been caught only a few moments into his peep show. So here Anko was, as naked and wet (… with water) as she could be, sharpening a knife in front of the man. Normally the man would be staring at anything other than her face, as it was obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes that Anko's body was gorgeous, and getting to see it in the state it was worth giving up quite a lot. However, the cold stare Anko was giving the man made it very plain to him that if he took his eyes off of her face, even for a moment, the knife she was sharpening was going to go into him in a very terrible place.

"So, Dragon-chan," Anko's name dropping had the desired effect, the man started to sweat, he did not like the fact that this woman knew he was a part of the ANBU and that she also knew his handle, "What are you doing in my backyard at this time of the night? Could you not resist my beautiful body?" Anko reached down with her knife and began to moan, which excited the man known as Dragon. He had heard that Anko was a freak, but having that fun with a knife? She really was a slut! She was really into it too, Dragon thought for sure that he could sneak just one peek. Her eyes were closed too, there was no way she would be able to notice. Just one look down, then right back up at her face, no problem at all. He glanced down and before he could take in the view a knife had planted itself into his left shoulder and he shut his eyes and cried out in pain. The knife was pulled out from his shoulder and Anko spoke from his left.

"Tsk tsk, Dragon-chan. When I said no peeking I really mean it. Maybe if you had just listened to the great and benevolent Anko-sama like she asked, your blood wouldn't have had to be spilled. So tragic, but you cannot even follow such a simple order or detect a simple genjutsu." Dragon winced, berating himself for falling for such an obvious trick. Anko was now fully dressed, it was likely that she had been for some time, and eating some dango as she looked at him with a nasty grin on her face. She swung her leg over his waist and mounted him. He struggled with the ropes that tied his hands before the simple chair, but to no avail. She grinded her hips into his slowly, the devious smirk never leaving her face.

"I bet you like that, dontcha, Dragon-chan? You must be really desperate for a woman if you chose to spy on one of the elite ninja of the village, huh? Poor thing, you can't spy, you can't obey commands, you can't even escape from simple genjutsu or physically overpower little ole me. Why are you a ninja, exactly?" Dragon let out a pitiful moan as Anko never stopped moving her hips even as she talked. Finally the strain proved too much for the young man and he came in his pants. Anko felt the release and quirked an eyebrow.

"Useless as a ninja and as a man? You aren't even worth the time to torture." With one smooth movement Anko used her knife to cut cleanly across the man's throat. Dragon barely had time to gasp as his head went back and blood slowly poured from his neck. Anko got off of the cooling body and let out a sigh.

"One day I will find a man who can satisfy my need for sex and death, I just know Mr. Right is out there." Far away from Konoha, Itachi sneezed.

**With Orochimaru**

Death looked at the weakening form of Orochimaru and sighed. The end was very near, he could feel it. It also didn't hurt that he was literally pulled here from other fun to Orochimaru's bedside. Whenever that happened, it meant his services were required. When Kami told you to do something, through words or actions, you got the job done. With that said, it didn't mean you couldn't have some fun with it! The Shinigami looked to his right to see the Wheel of Doom 4.0, now with even more suffering! This was his best wheel yet, gifted to him by Kami for his excellent service to her. While he dreaded having to be witness to Orochimaru's death, he at least got to torture him a little bit before Orochimaru's boy toy Sasuke stuck his long, hard, and manly sword into him before using a fireball or something to kill him. The Shinigami gave it all of his strength and spun the wheel. It was anyone's guess what it would reveal! The wheel slowly came to a stop and the result caused the Shinigami to pale.

_Remove any inhibitors from death._

The Shinigami looked at the result and could not believe it. At that precise moment Sasuke came into Orochimaru's room and challenged the sick man (interpret that however it pleases you) for his future. The Shinigami did not watch however, still staring at the wheel in front of him. Orochimaru had been robbed from many of his protections against death by the sorceress Maleficent. However, this option was cruelly worded. The Shinigami, i.e. death itself, had placed many curses, jinxes, and sacrificial rites onto Orochimaru over the years to ensure that his soul was so completely sundered that just in case he ever did die, that the soul would be so irreversibly harmed that it would scatter into dust as soon as it entered the afterlife. The wheel of doom had lived up to its name, because it had ensured the Shinigami's.

…

OK, so that was probably being a little too dramatic about the situation, but the death god was still not at all pleased with the situation. In the background he heard Orochimaru's final horrified gasp before Sasuke ended his life, leaving only a phantom impression in the mind of Sasuke behind. The Shinigami paused for a moment, just now realizing this meant that Minato and Orochimaru were going to be in the same room very shortly, and that he was here feeling sorry for himself. It was not time for that. It was time to make some popcorn, because that spectacle was must see.

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Foot Notes:

1: Back in the old days the Shinigami would have simply threatened to wipe Minato's family from space and time while smiling politely. Secretly the Shinigami missed those days.

2: If you willingly spent your free time with the Shinigami it became very obvious that you needed better plans on a Friday night.

3: Actually getting to spell out KILL and at the same time perfectly fitting the Shinigami's personality into such a simple plan pleased me to absolutely no end. On the other hand, the Shinigami wanted to beat me senseless with a baseball bat when I let out his brilliant secret to the world at large.

4: Studies show that the motion of frowning ever so slightly was the farthest Nick's face could go on the emotional range chart. Yes, there's a chart for that too.

5: Madara always tried his best to make sure that anything he couldn't kill, have killed, or conveniently stick in some plot of land miles away from civilization to never be heard from again was his favorite thing ever. One of the basics of surviving in the world was never pissing off people or things that had more power than you.

6: It took every fiber in my being not to break Pain's gimmick of saying nothing but the word "Damn" to not have him tell this joke himself. As you may be aware of, Pain had lot of fun with a nail and gravity during his last arc in the manga, and the double meaning was quite obviously not lost on me here in the least.

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**A/N: Another one done, with a major character awaiting you in the next chapter! How very exciting.**

**Poll of the Chapter: Since Zabuza is more or less knocked out for a few chapters, who would you like to see become Minato's assistant in that time? Obviously dead characters only, I write a crazy fic, but I am not mixing the world of the living and the dead anymore than I have already!**

**- Chris**


	26. Prelude to Orochimaru's Suffering

**A/N: **Hi. First things first I would ask any reviewer who has something negative to leave in review please leave your contact info if you could. I am not going to breathe fire at you(totally a lie, I am like most writers who have a complex with taking critique), it just makes it easier to respond to your commentary so we can have some back and forth, I find that sort of thing helps improve my writing more than a one-off review. Although I did like how he dissed my beta, I diss him too. This chapter came together pretty quickly as soon as I decided to start writing. Nothing really hard with it, honestly. Things just got came together super quickly and if the truth is to be known that should probably worry me. Not really many punchlines this chapter, but a lot more Minato! Which isn't hard to accomplish given how he has had a backseat in the last few chapters. Oh, and as a final note here, the manga is ripping to shreds my pre-conceived notions of every bit of backstory I have done for this fic, as tends to happen when you write fanfiction. I will try to twist my own story to match the manga as much as possible when it comes up, but I am not even a doctor, much less a miracle worker. Now onto reader reviews!

**Reaper Nanashi: **_You_ would like bar graphs, wouldn't you? Although I suppose I can forgive you if it is only moderately, but I am putting you on notice. And yes, Madara was so busy boosting his self-esteem this chapter that he didn't even have time to make an appearance!

**Lil' Dei Dei:** Hm, that is going to need fixing. Although now that you have pointed it out if I fixed it everyone would look at your review like you are a bit insane, and I wouldn't want that now would I? I suppose I must therefore be extraordinarily reasonable and leave it for your image on the internet. I am glad I kept the 'damn' gimmick too, it is a really good gimmick. The day Madara is done planning in this fic is the day he is dead, which may not be as far off as I assume!

Now onto the story. Oh, and most of this wasn't edited yet by my beta, so I apologize for any errors, those are on me, not him.

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**Chapter 24: Prelude to Orochimaru's Suffering**

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Orochimaru wheezed on the ground, not sure what was going on, in an enormous amount of pain. The last thing he remembered was battling for control of Sasuke's body and the arrogant punk smirking down at him as if he was somehow better than him. He had betrayed him, the insolence of it all. Orochimaru couldn't keep the sneer off of his face at the thought of the Uchiha clan. It must have been nice to have been born with such talent. If only he himself could have gotten a pair of those gorgeous eyes none of this would have happened. He wouldn't need to go from body to body in order to grow stronger. If only-

Orochimaru's thoughts were rudely interrupted by a slap to the face, which was hard enough to knock him on his back.

"Hello, Orochimaru-kun!" Orochimaru's eyes grew wide in panic at the very, very familiar voice above him. It was the voice of the fourth Hokage, Namikaze Minato. Orochimaru looked up and saw the blonde man staring down at him with no trace of emotion on his face. At seeing the expressionless look Orochimaru's ninja sensibilities kicked in and he realized something very important: He had no reason to be afraid of this man. He too was a candidate to be the fourth hokage and was every bit the genius this bastard was. With a sudden quickness Orochimaru caught Minato off guard and kicked him in the midsection. The force of the kick sent Minato flying backwards into his desk, which was crushed under the force of his impact.

With a sense of renewed energy Orochimaru spoke.

"Minato-kun, as reckless as ever I see." Orochimaru's words were biting. He rose up to his full height and looked at Minato with the type of hatred that could only develop after years of brooding and demented anger had warped it. Before him laid the man who had taken everything from him: his dream to be Hokage, his rightful place in the Fire country, as well as the favor of his master, the Sandaime Hokage. Without the authority to do what was required to make himself stronger he had to hide in the underbelly of Konoha where his teacher had eventually caught up with him. Sarutobi had chosen this common filth over him. This… very sexy, very powerful common filth. Orochimaru always did like powerful men…

Thankfully for the whole of existence Minato had not lost a step since he had last looked and had, in a literal flash, closed the distance between himself and the pale man. In one elegant twist of his body Minato delivered a punishing spinning elbow to Orochimaru's jaw which sent him flying across a vast distance within the white space.

Minato clutched his stomach, still wincing from that kick. By all rights Orochimaru should have been nothing but a wisp of himself. With all of the self-imposed research the man had done to himself his soul should have been torn to pieces, no amount of true power left within it. Although Minato fancied himself quite the powerful spiritual force, Orochimaru in his current state was not a slouch. It had been several years since a spirit as strong as Orochimaru's had crossed paths with Minato. He still felt some of the aches from his fight with Hanzo.

So engrossed was he in his pain and wonderment, Minato failed to notice the sinister presence behind him.

"I see our guest has arrived, how wonderful." Minato could not stop one of his eyes from twitching for a moment at the Shinigami's beyond casual introduction of both himself and Orochimaru. For a wretched deity who had spent the better part of a half century trying to ensure that this man did not make it to the afterlife, he was awfully calm for having his pet project dead. Minato decided to voice this opinion.

"Shinigami-sama, you have plotted for years to keep Orochimaru out of the afterlife, why the sudden change of heart?" The Shinigami did a motion that could have been confused with a shrug at the question.

"I do not need a reason to be amused at Orochimaru's plight, Minato-kun." Minato raised an eyebrow, surprised to hear that the Shinigami's voice did indeed seem to have an inflection of amusement within it.

"What plight would that be?"

"Why, having to deal with you, of course. For many years it was an understood fact that whatever form of pathetic spirit Orochimaru arrived here as you'd have to take some sort of pity on him, it is just your very nature. Now he is here itching for a fight. I am Death, Minato-kun, my fury and cruelty is limited to the basics. I have found that your mortal imagination is far more cruel and satisfying to watch than my own work. Oh, and I'd duck right now." Minato slammed himself to the floor as a dragon made of fire rushed through the area above him. Minato glanced up to see the Shinigami being consumed by the fire. The Shinigami's face twisted into a grimace and Minato felt a touch of concern for his pseudo-boss; Death or not fire would surely still hurt. The Shinigami reached into his robes and seemed to be struggling to find something. After a moment the Shinigami pulled out a pack and a slender knife. Minato thought that the pack was perhaps some anti-fire item that the Shinigami kept on him in case of emergency. The Shinigami stuck his knife into the packet and pulled out an object and started to whistle. After a few seconds the Shinigami teleported out of the fire to Minato's left holding in his hand a knife that had expertly speared a weenie.

"I am on lunch break, catch you later Minato-kun," The Shinigami said. He put the roasted weenie in his mouth and chewed, a smile adorning his face as he did so. With a bow and a twirl of his hand he disappeared from the white space, apparently no longer requiring the use of the outdoor oven.

After another moment the fire dissipated from the air and Minato flipped himself onto his feet and looked around for Orochimaru. He needn't have bothered, however. Orochimaru appeared right beside him and delivered a powerful punch to Minato's jaw. Minato, used to such pain, barely flinched and instead reached out and grabbed Orochimaru's neck with his left hand and squeezed. Orochimaru tried to break Minato's grip by punching the blonde's arm, to no effect. After a few moments of futilely trying to do this, Orochimaru wisely decided to do something he was good at: cheat. He stuck his fingers in Minato's eyes causing the blonde to shout in pain and loosen his grip on Orochimaru enough for the snake to slither away.

Orochimaru was about to strike the prone Minato when a shadow(1) appeared over him.

"I would advise you to think twice about taking another step, Orochimaru-kun." Orochimaru's body froze as he processed the frigid voice of the man behind him. It was true that in his heart of hearts he held no real fear of Namikaze Minato, for in his eyes they were equals and contemporaries. However, there was still one man that he feared above all others. That man was standing behind him.

The Sandaime Hokage had seen worse days, certainly. When he had first came to the afterlife he was a ragged old man, the age of his body having worn down his spirit by a healthy amount throughout the years. The burdens of a leader were seldom finished, even in death, and it had shown. Now, years later, Sarutobi had never looked better. Hair on top of his head, wrinkles gone from his body, and a pipe in his mouth puffing almost merrily as he stared at Orochimaru with a cool indifference. Orochimaru seemed to shrink in his presence as the Sandaime took another step forward, while Orochimaru took a step back to match his former teacher.

"I see death has caught up to you at last, my student," Sarutobi said this with an unnerving gentleness. Even though Orochimaru had committed many sins throughout his extended lifetime, even going so far as to kill Sarutobi, the wizened man could not find any fault in his student. A part of him still blamed himself for everything that had happened to his students, most of all Orochimaru. The many tragedies that had twisted a promising student to an evil man could have perhaps been prevented if he had been more careful. Well, except the whole seducing little boys thing. On that front, that was wholly Orochimaru; nothing that the Sandaime could have possibly done to change that.

"M-Master." Orochimaru's voice almost got caught in his throat. The last time he had seen his former teacher he was a shade of his former self, old and withered, his chakra barely a tenth of the level that it had been when he was teaching young Orochimaru the basics of the shinobi world. Orochimaru had hated to see what his idol had become and had convinced himself that if even his great teacher could have been withered by time then his own research was well worth it. He had wanted to live forever, to escape death forever. Luckily for Orochimaru, at least up until this point, Death was in total agreement with him. One wheel of nefarious deeds later though and here he was, in between a rock and a hard place. Speaking of that rock…

"Thanks for the concern, Sarutobi, I'm fine down here." Minato got to his feet with a groan, having stumbled around for a bit before falling down from being disoriented. Going blind was not a sensation that Minato liked very much. He glanced at Sarutobi and could not contain a smirk. It had been quite a long time since he had seen his predecessor and the old man wasn't such an old man anymore. Minato glanced at Orochimaru and saw the clear fear in his eyes. He had not been around for Sarutobi's prime but obviously being called the God of all ninja wasn't something to be taken lightly.

"Minato-kun, a pleasure to see you as always." The Sandaime's eyes were alit with good humor as he looked on his one-time replacement.

Orochimaru, for his part, was in a very confused place right now. He wanted to attack Minato, but he feared Sarutobi with every fiber in his being. The warning about not taking a step towards Minato had been telling for Orochimaru; there would be dire consequences if he tried to engage Minato. The blonde seemed to pick up on this and was about to attack Orochimaru when the Sandaime spoke.

"I know you are rather adept at these judgments you make, Minato-kun, but how about you let me handle Orochimaru? I believe I am more capable than you to handle him." Minato was about to voice his disagreement when he took yet another glance over at Orochimaru and saw his fear had only increased at the suggestion. Sure, Minato could have eventually beaten the stuffing out of Orochimaru and done something hopelessly terrible to him; he had even done a whole brain storming session for the occasion.

**Flashback**

"Ok Zabuza, hit me with some ideas!" Minato's voice was excited and probably a little bit too hyper for anyone's good as he tossed the black marker to Zabuza, who was standing by a whiteboard.

Zabuza thought for a moment before he scribbled something down. When his frame was out of the way Minato read his idea.

_Beat him up. With your fists. A lot._

Minato rubbed his chin, scratched the back of his head, and then winced.

"I was hoping for something a little more specific, Zabuza-san." Zabuza sighed.

"How about this then?" Zabuza uncapped the marker once again and was covering the whiteboard for a good few minutes before he stepped back, smiled at Minato, and moved out of the way so he could read it. Minato quirked an eyebrow as he read.

_First, start off by strapping Orochimaru into a chair. You know, with that good kind of rope that's a pain in the ass to break and you need a boy scout to untie. Once he is in the chair place him in the middle of an ocean where the only thing keeping him out of the water is a tiny raft that his chair is on. Cast a genjutsu on him so that it always seems that the chair is falling over in one direction or another, but not quite falling over. You know, that feeling you get when you are leaning in your chair and just relaxing and then all of a sudden you get that terrible sense of vertigo and you either right the chair or you fall over on your ass. Now after you are done doing that so he can't help but have that feeling constantly you need to put sharks in the ocean surrounding his raft. Really, really big and hungry sharks. Sharks that you specifically bred to feed on snakes. Like, feed them nothing but snakes for days and days and then rewrite their genetic code just so every instinct in their body and mind will make them love to eat snakes. Put those around Orochimaru's raft so that not only does he get that terrible sense of falling but when he does he'll also think he will get eaten by sharks. Next, and this is key, you take a strip of thin razor wire and you wrap it around Orochimaru tightly enough so that when a particularly big wave comes it will rock the raft just enough so that Orochimaru will begin to bleed. On top of the stinging pain will be the knowledge that his blood flowing down from the raft into the water will further excite the sharks around him and further cause him to panic when he gets that terrible sense of falling. Pain, ever present danger of being eaten, and that really annoying terrible feeling of falling back in your chair. Orochimaru will never know what hit him!_

Minato turned his head to Zabuza, who looked back at him worriedly.

"Zabuza," Minato said.

"Err, yes?" Zabuza was a bit nervous, Minato was often very critical of his ideas.

"You are a fucking genius." Minato's voice had nothing but sincerity to it, which caused Zabuza to beam at the unblemished compliment.

**End Flashback**

Minato sighed and took out a piece of paper and a pen. He scratched off "geneticist", "sharks", and "a really big ocean" on his lists of things to buy for the summer.

"Very well, I will make it my official judgment that you are to take care of Orochimaru-" At this Orochimaru got on his knees and wrapped himself around Minato.

"No! I beg you! Please don't! I'll be a good boy! Just don't send me away alone with him!" Minato shoved Orochimaru off of him, although it took far too much effort for his liking.

Sarutobi rolled his eyes.

"Don't you want to have a fun time with me again, Orochimaru-kun? I have come up with even more fun training exercises since a certain someone decided to put me in my grave early. We are going to have a lot of fun honing your soul into shape." Sarutobi grabbed Orochimaru by the scruff of his neck and vanished with him, into parts unknown.

Minato looked down at himself and noticed he looked quite a state.

"I guess I need to take a shower or something." Minato was about to head off when a voice spoke up.

"I think I'll join you lover boy." Minato glanced over his shoulder to see his wife there smirking at him.

_Talk about an upgrade in company_.

**Meanwhile…**

"Have you ever heard of story time?" Bob looked over at his sole companion and shook his head. Up until this point Nick had been very quiet and it had seemed that he would never break his silence. It seems Nick liked to tell stories, though.

"Story time is pretty awesome. I'll start. This one time I was having sex with my fox-girl and-" Bob put up hand to stop Nick, who blinked and looked at the life god.

"I don't want to hear about your misadventures with a fox-girl, Nick-san." Nick smirked at his protest.

"Oh, I don't really care if you want to. You are stuck here with me and have no way to stop me from talking. I figure if I have to be alone with you I am going to make this as amusing as I can." Bob groaned at this, recognizing he was in trouble.

"So like I was saying…" Nick began story time.

It lasted four days.

Bob was never the same again.

**Elsewhere**

Bertha the cat-girl was going to write herself an award for how amazing she was at her job. The Shinigami had come to her and asked that she make Sasuke's life a living hell. At first she thought it would be challenging given how self-loathing the Uchiha was. Not to mention that he generally failed at everything he wanted to do in life. However, like every mark, even this mountain of hatred, pettiness, and desperation had a weak spot. He didn't like to be fretted about. He didn't like those who would account for his well-being. He hated fangirls.

So watching as Karin drooled over Sasuke much to his annoyance was certainly a job well done on Bertha's part.

"Oh Sasuke-kun, you don't have to worry about anyone else, with my ability to sense chakra we can be an unstoppable team!" Karin gushed as she hugged Sasuke from behind, who shuddered in disgust. Bertha wrote the reaction down on her notepad for further study at a later date. Personally speaking she would rather have been hugged by the excitable girl in front of her than by Orochimaru, which Sasuke didn't seem to mind terribly much. Then again, her sentiments mattered little when it came to torturing for the job. If a woman who wanted you in her life and her body was what got you in your worst possible mood then that could certainly be arranged.

Bertha noted that Sasuke's aura grew dark and darker as Karin spoke each of her love-stricken words. Bertha quirked an eyebrow and made a note of this development as well. If all went well she'd have Sasuke a turned into a total psycho by the year's end.

Bertha glanced back over to Sasuke and noted he was hugging a picture of his brother while muttering _I hate you_ and _precious…my precious…_ in alternating order. Bertha sighed; perhaps it was too late to set her goals so low.

**In The White Space**

Kushina leaned back in her chair and stretched out as far as she could, much to Minato's liking. The woman looked at her husband and rolled her eyes. The man was insatiable. They had just had an hour shower for goodness sake…

"Minato, instead of staring at me how about you get to work on that queue, I see it is blinking," Kushina said with an amused look on her face.

"The Queue can wait," Minato said. His eyes were gleaming with something not so innocent.

"Yes, I am sure it could, but as your new assistant you'd make me look bad if you got a backlog. You don't want to make me look bad, right, sweetie?" The smile on her face seemed a little less friendly than it had before and Minato scowled. No, you didn't want to make Kushina look bad…

**Flashback**

Minato lay in a bloodied heap under a raging Kushina.

"Never, ever, throw away my makeup tray again!"

"But you look beautiful just the way-" Minato got smacked again.

"Yes dear," Minato said, defeated.

**End Flashback**

"Right, so let's get to work on that queue," Minato said with a slightly too big smile on his face. If Kushina noticed his nervousness(2) she did not comment on it.

Minato pressed the queue button and an elderly man made his way into the white space. He looked at Minato, then at Kushina, and waved in a friendly manner to them both before he quietly took the seat in front of the desk.

"Hello, my name is John(3), and I take it that I am dead," The man, John, said this with no remorse in his voice.

"Yes, you are," Minato said.

John nodded, almost to himself than Minato, and then spoke.

"So how does this work?" John smiled, not seeming very nervous.

"Not to be rude," Kushina began, which meant that she was probably about to be rude, "but you just died. You seem very calm about that." Jon eyes shone with understanding and he just smiled wider at her.

"Dear, I lost my wife many years ago. Life from then to now was simply a waiting game. I lived a long, full life. I have had many triumphs, and a lasting legacy. I got to see dozens of great-grandchildren grow and be happy, and I spent a century doing the best I could. After all of that, after being able to see the only woman I ever loved once again, why would I be anything but calm and content?" The man's voice resonated throughout the whitespace, and his charisma was palpable. Kushina and Minato were both impressed by his presence, not something easily done.

Minato flipped through the file in front of him and was impressed. The man in front of him was an athlete in his youth, a teacher throughout his life; he had even served in the military. He had taught so many, and in this file was the love and respect of anyone who had ever come into contact with this man.

"Well John," Minato began somberly, "You are a good man, that much is obvious. I see no reason to keep you from your wife any longer." With a flash a door appeared behind John and he smiled. It opened by its own accord and a woman, no older than twenty, appeared with her arms extended out towards John. Needing no more formality the elderly man began to walk slowly towards the door. As he got closer to the door his pace quickened and the years shed from his body until he was a young man again holding the love of his life in a tight embrace. The door closed behind them, disappearing.

"Love is grand, isn't it dear," Kushina said with a wistful expression on her face.

"Yes, my love, it is." Minato hugged her tight, moved by the display of timeless love they had just seen.

"Boring."

Minato winced as the Shinigami sat down in the chair that John had just got up from.

"Hello Shinigami-san, how are you doing today?" Kushina smiled thinly at the god, not bothering to hide her displeasure. The Shinigami gave her a look that could have melted hell. Kushina was unaffected.

"Well, Kushina-chan, I had a good lunch break. I also could not help but notice that Orochimaru is indisposed for the time being, which pleases me. When I am pleased good things happen." The Shinigami reached into his robe and pulled out a sack and tossed it to Minato. The Blonde deftly caught the bag and looked at the Shinigami warily for a moment before opening it. He shouted in delight as he popped a blue M&M into his mouth. Kushina looked at her husband for a second before she sent a scathing look to the Shinigami.

"I hate you," Kushina said, the tone of her voice making it evident she was being extra sincere. The Shinigami beamed at her, as if he had just gotten some form of very flattering praise.

"I know," the Shinigami said with a wink.

* * *

**Footnotes: **

**1:** You see, a shadow appeared literally (this tends to happen when someone who emits a shadow stands directly behind you) and figuratively, as the title of Kage means shadow. You would not believe how absurdly clever I thought myself when I typed that line. Looking back on it, I probably am not nearly as clever as I had hoped, but I'll run with it

**2: **Of course she noticed his nervousness, she is both a woman and a ninja. The ninja part makes noticing emotions obvious, but the woman part might not. Women are like sharks, they can smell emotional weakness a mile away. In fact, maybe there could be raving women in the water with those sharks that surround Orochimaru. Alas, I will leave such plotting to our good friend Zabuza.

**3:** John Wooden died earlier this month at the age of 99. He was a sports legend, and a legend of a man. You will not find a single person on this planet that has a single bad thing to say about the man. He was respectable, dignified, and had all of the moral authority he needed to never have to use it but to teach young men about life through basketball and through English. I know you, my readers, like the jokes and I do too, but I thought it proper to give a final parting respect to John Wooden, and I thought it OK to give him some face time this chapter. R.I.P. Wizard of Westwood, the last wizard of the modern age.

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**A/N: **Another one done!

As you can see Kushina won the last poll, although I must say I was a bit concerned with my reader's definitions of dead. I meant _presently _dead, not dead in the future. Time paradoxes are not something I am good at handling, it is why I stay away from the time travel stuff.

**Poll of the Chapter: **I am afraid I don't need any artistic direction for my next chapter as I pretty much have it all mapped out, so instead I will ask this: What has been your favorite chapter of this fanfic up to this point? Who knows, if everyone has the same favorite chapter maybe I'll work in that style more in the near future, I do have a habit of mixing up my styles a lot to keep things interesting.

Next chapter features Madara's return, Itachi doing something that would have me sent to hell, Orochimaru suffering in ways that my mind is still working up, and the results of Bob's transformation from life god to broken and sanity devoid listener of Nick's story time. **As an added note, I will say to those who claim that they just can't read to read my next chapter... I am very glad you feel that way. Insert a clever wink here if you so wish.**


	27. Bob Running Wild

**A/N: **Two Chapters in one day! You should all review and say "Thank you chris" or something like that. Honestly? This idea just completely ran away from me and I decided to let it. Not QUITE as long as I like my chapters to be but it was more of a single fluid plot thread. As you will notice, there were no random scenes in this chapter. I thought I was pretty funny here and I like the subject matter covered. I guess this chapter shows when I have my mind on it and I really want to I am capable of writing a chapter in a single day. But alas, I am often preoccupied. Anyway, I don't really have anything to say concerning things that aren't this chapter and I don't have many reviews from the other chapter to respond to, so I shall let the chapter speak for itself.

Oh, and this was completely unedited, so sorry for any errors you may find.

**Chapter 25: Bob Running Wild **

The Shinigami was having a fun day. This fun day involved killing a lot of people and … well, no, just killing a lot of people. The Shinigami had been the god of death for countless years not because of the great retirement plan but rather because he really enjoyed his work. It was amazing how many people he had killed right in the middle of their prayer. His only wish was that they could have heard him shouting "Where's your god now!" before ripping their soul from the mortal plane. Many, many years ago there had been a cult that had actually worshipped him, death itself. However he had found the whole concept demeaning and very objectifying so he had killed them all, plague style. After that not many people bothered with the whole "death is awesome" thing.

The Shinigami looked at his next victim. A child rapist with a bad heart; no, really, he had a bad heart. Heart disease in fact; he had a bum ticker. Minato was always so cruel to these types. The man was very protective of children, which was likely caused by the fact that he would never have the chance to raise his own. How sad. On the other hand, it made for great viewing for the Shinigami! The Shinigami reached out to touch the man to death (the irony was not lost on the Shinigami) when a figure blocked his path and savagely decapitated the man's soul from his body, sending it off to a place the Shinigami knew, instinctively, was not where the souls of the dead usually went.

The Shinigami tilted his head. That was certainly not what he had been expecting. The figure slowly turned around, and each moment that passed the very fabric of the universe itself seemed to groan in pain. Whatever was in front of the Shinigami was not natural and did not sit well with the universe. When the universe didn't sit well things called "the big bang" happened.

When the figure had finally fully turned around the Shinigami's eyebrows shot up to his hairline in honest to goodness surprise.

"Bob?" The Shinigami knew his voice had total disbelief in it, but who could really blame him? The last time he has seen his rival he had been missing an arm and thrown into a figurative ditch of a world with no way to escape. Now bob looked a whole hell of a lot different. His eyes were a glowing red; his former pure white robe was exchanged for a black one, mirroring the Shinigami's own. While Bob usually emitted a welcoming and warm aura all around him now nothing but terribleness and despair raged all around him.

"I like the makeover Bob, give your compliments to your stylist," The Shinigami said cheekily. Bob focused all of his attention to the Shinigami and the death god was mildly taken aback by the dreadful aura which Bob was capable of mustering.

"Fool! You are no longer speaking to Bob. Bob has been replaced! I am now the Lord of All Death! Your reign as death's master has come to an end," Bob roared savagely at the Shinigami. Once again the universe shuddered in protest.

"Huh, I broke Bob… neat." The Shinigami could not help but chuckle at the sight in front of him. His chuckle stopped however as the Universe itself bitch slapped him upside his head. The Shinigami frowned, finally realizing what the problem was. The universe was most particular in its order and while there was a near infinite leeway on the universe's order some things must always be. One of those things was that there must only be one Death. Death could have assistants, death could let others borrow his powers for a time or even invoke his name to strike down others. But two full powered Deaths in the universe at the same time was a problem. As mentioned earlier, the universe wasn't exactly known for its forward progressive problem solving; when it had a problem it just started over.

This left the Shinigami confused. Bob was the god of Life, this was well established. Now sure he shouldn't go around beheading mortal and killing them but that alone could not have possibly made him be recognized by the universe as Death. The Shinigami had to slaughter millions and full on _court_ the universe before he had been allowed to take the position. Although the Shinigami supposed that the answer to that question would have to wait considering that the universe was not in the mood to play nice today.

"Bob, you are not Death nor could you ever become Death. You are suffering from some form of insanity and need to calm down. How about we take a walk on an astral sun? You always did like those suns. Remember those Bob, they were so big and bright they could keep a whole galaxy warm even hundreds of years after they burned out. There is one nearby." The Shinigami was not very skilled at the art of diplomacy, in fact he had tried to kill the word from existence on three separate occasions with little success, but even he recognized that his rival and (coughcoughfriendcough) was not in a fit state. The Shinigami and Bob were more or less equals in power; that was just how things worked. The only reason the Shinigami had been able to rip his arm off so easily was because of how sneaky he had been. Bob did not appear to be in the mood to be sneaked up upon here, sadly.

Bob's reply was to punch the Shinigami in the face with his newly reformed arm, which sent the Shinigami flying right into Minato's newly reformed desk in the white space.

"Son of a bitch Shinigami-sama, I just got done with it!" Minato leapt up from his chair and went to inspect his poor, beaten desk when he saw the Shinigami was slow to get up. Wait a second…

"Uh, Shinigami-sama, why are you crashing into my desk?" The question was, as usual, the correct one to ask as the Shinigami rolled his eyes and got to his feet, brushing himself off as he did so.

"I am glad to see your observant nature has yet to leave you, Minato-kun." The Shinigami sighed and continued on. "Leaving Bob alone in a world with our good friend Nick would appear to be a slight miscalculation on my part." The Shinigami once had accidently kill twenty million people over a period of a day. That had been slightly _less_ than a slight miscalculation on his scale.

Minato was aware of that as well.

"Shinigami-sama, what exactly is going on?" Minato's tone of voice let the Shinigami know that he didn't really want to know, but at present he was a bit too in a hurry to make up any convenient lies. Fortunately for him, Kushina surmised the situation adeptly enough.

"Basically Bob broke free and kicked the Shinigami's ass so hard he crashed into this white space," Kushina said with a slight smirk playing on her lips. She bit into the apple she had been carrying and looked at the Shinigami as if daring him to contradict her. The god liked sassiness but this was just showing off the trait…

"Well deduced, Kushina-chan." The Shinigami leered at her letting her know the feeling was mutual at this particular moment. Kushina simply stuck her tongue out in response. "However," the Shinigami began again, "It is never quite that simple. Bob has managed to take up the mantle of the god of death, or simply Death for short, and that is literally universe-destroying-itself bad." Kushina spit out her apple at hearing this. Not one to ever be outrage Minato grabbed a glass of water and motioned for the Shinigami to repeat what he had just said.

"It is never quite that simple. Bob has managed to take up the mantle of the god of death, or simply Death for short, and that is literally universe-destroying-itself bad." As soon as the Shinigami had finished repeating himself Minato spit out his mouthful of water in a surprisingly natural motion. Kushina held up a score card of 9.5 and the Shinigami rummaged through his robe and held up a 6. Minato sighed, there was always a French judge…

"Anyway," The Shinigami continued giving his company sharp looks, which did not seem to bother them I the slightest, "something has to be done. Frankly I am at a loss. I have never had this problem before. Usually the universe is far much pickier than this, such an event should have never occurred."

"How about you tell us exactly what happened, maybe you missed something." Minato's voice was not unkind but the message was clear: You aren't the brightest tool in the shed, Shinigami-sama. The Shinigami however did put the continued existence of everything ever before his pride, although only barely. And so he retold them exactly what happened and Minato immediately found something amiss with his story.

"You said that Bob killed this man. But he isn't here and at the moment the queue is at zero. Where did he go?" The Shinigami tilted his head at Minato's question. That was a good point; he himself had noted that the soul was not going to its normally scheduled place. So where exactly did it go then?

**Meanwhile, in the appropriately if tackily named Dark Black Space…**

Nick kicked the child molester in the balls again, and again the man came crashing to his knees in agony.

"You know, this whole judging the dead thing is pretty fucking awesome. I mean, it isn't fucking a fox-girl fucking awesome, but it is pretty fucking close!" Nick's glee was evident in the smile on his face, the tone of his voice, and the sheer pleasure coursing through his body every time he deliver another kick to the man.

"I-I beg of you, stop. I have a disease-" Nick slapped the man across the head.

"You've got a disease alright, it is called being dumb. Way to fail." Nick kicked him in the chest this time and the man was sent flat onto his back, pain being the overriding sensation coursing throughout his soul.

Nick walked away from the man and practically hopped to his dread throne. Yes, he had named it himself. He peered out over his kingdom and could see nothing but darkness all around him. It was quite beautiful. That Bob character promising him his own gig as judge of the dead in exchange for his servitude had come as quite a surprise, really. Nick had just planned to torture the do-gooder with story time forever but it seemed Bob's breaking point was far lower than expected. Never one to turn down power, Nick had readily accepted. Bob had a knack for the details it seemed as the first soul he had found for Nick to judge was a child molester. Nick had some daddy issues you see and nothing says "I hate you daddy" like beating the hell out of a child molester. Nick was about to get back started when three presences appeared in his domain.

"More visitors for me to judge? Very well! Step forth and receive your judgment!" Nick rubbed his hands together ready to get down to business, only to be disappointed by the people in front of him.

"Oh… it is just you guys. What do you want now?" The Shinigami, Minato, and Kushina hadn't taken long to find a way to track the dead soul using one of the Shinigami's amazing powers and it had led them directly to Nick's new hideout.

"Nick-kun," The Shinigami started with an all too sweet tone to his voice, which caused Nick to raise an eyebrow in questioning, "It seems you have once again fallen in with the wrong crowd. I would note my disappointment in a more subtle way, but since the end of the universe is neigh I think it is best if I just kick your ass here and now." The Shinigami closed his right hand into a fist, which everyone knows (read: no one knows) is his movement when he is going to choke a soul out of existence. It was perhaps a good thing that no one present knew of this lest the Shinigami be terribly embarrassed by the fact that nothing happened. The Shinigami frowned, this wasn't good. Nick rolled his eyes, uncertain of what the Shinigami had tried to do but satisfied that nothing was forthcoming to strike him down judging by the Shinigami's perplexed expression on his face.

"I am going to hazard a guess and say that you just tried to use your powers and completely failed. You seem to fail a lot lately Shinigami-san, I wonder why that is? Well, that aside for the moment, the reason you failed this particular time is due to the fact that Bob used much of his new-found power to ward this sanctuary against death god powers. Normally this would be quite hard to do, but given that he is recognized as Death currently, it went rather swimmingly if I do say so myself," Nick said this in the most smug voice you could possibly imagine. Really, just go ahead and plug that voice into your head and give that whole paragraph a re-read, you will be absolutely astounded by the natural smugness rolling off of it.

Meanwhile inside that level fourth wall the Shinigami tilted his head.

"Minato, kindly kick his ass." Nick paled slightly at the order.

Normally Minato would have scoffed at the Shinigami and tell him to do his own work, but at this point it seemed like a good idea to put the good of the universe before his pride. Plus, it'd just be poor form if the Shinigami could do something like that but he himself was incapable of managing it.

"Works for me," Minato said with a grin working its way on his face. He cracked his knuckles a few times and fixed a creak in his neck before disappearing from Nick's field of vision.

"This is going to suck, isn't it?" Nick's question received no verbal confirmation. Nor did it need to be given one due to Minato's excellent reply. Fists pounded into Nick's skull repeatedly as Minato flashed in and out of Nick's personal space hitting him with one-two combos every time. Nick tried valiantly to fight back but his expertise was answering letters, not fighting. He had been dead quite a long time and would have been able to fight a number of spirits simply by nature of his vast stores of power. Nick was all too aware that whatever Minato might lack in raw experience he gained more than enough in undisguised and unvarnished skill. The man was a whirlwind of doom when he was in combat. Nick's futile efforts to cover up were saddening more than effective and a finishing knee to Nick's midsection had him on the ground, completely dazed as Minato stepped back, not a hair out of place on his head.

Kushina held up a scorecard that read a ten on it, as did the Shinigami with an impressed look on his face. Minato glanced at Nick's fallen and mostly broken form and noticed that he had written the number ten in his blood right next to his body. Minato did a little fist pump at his success. Seriously, way too many French judges these days.

"While seeing that little pervert getting his ass beat was satisfying, was there much to a point to it?" Kushina glanced at the Shinigami waiting for a reply. If the truth were to be told, the Shinigami was sorely tempted to just say he had it done for his own amusement, which sadly was not the case.

"No. As you may know I can sense whenever Minato is particularly injured or disturbed, it is a link that forms between master and servant." The Shinigami looked at Minato's glare and grinned at him toothily. "Relax, Minato-kun, the title between us is a mere formality, you know I think of you more as a pet than a servant." Minato's glare intensified and the Shinigami waved him off before turning back to Kushina.

"As I was saying, there should be a link between Bob and Nick over there. The variables for how long it would take Bob to notice, or even care, that Nick is injured are too wide to accurately predict. Although, if I had to guess I'd say right about-"

"**Shinigami! Come see the new face of death, puny godling!" **

The Shinigami rolled his eyes and finished his sentence.

"-Now."

Bob stood in front of the fallen form of his pseudo-champion, Nick. I could say Nick had seen worse days, but honestly at this juncture that wasn't accurate really. Minato had kicked his ass real good. Bob looked at Nick and then to Minato and snarled.

"You would do well to submit to my mercy now, Minato. I am swift and brutal in my judgments." Minato glanced at him. Compared to the Shinigami this guy was certainly unimpressive. He talked a big game but he knew that this realm put a severe limiter to Death's powers. He couldn't take the Shinigami one on one, but in such an environment he saw no reason why he wouldn't handle him quite easily.

"Bob-san, it seems to me that you have gotten too big for your britches. I have been informed that this area," Minato waved his finger over his head to convey he meant all around him, "severely hinders the powers of death. I am no weakling, and at present, you are no god. I have no reason to fear you." Minato cracked his knuckles and prepared to do another beating when a sinister chuckle came from Bob. Minato arched an eyebrow, being caught quite off guard. Laughing in a sinister manner really did not suit his voice.

Bob sneered at the blonde and decided to elaborate.

"It is true that my newly found mastery of death is greatly limited here. However, who said that I was going to use death to defeat you when I have life?" Minato's face clouded over in confusion. The Shinigami, meanwhile, had a much different reaction. A look of horror appeared on his face, which means you know something really, really bad is about to go down.

"Minato, enjoy **LIFE!**" Bob sent out a glowing green ball hurdling towards Minato. Minato tried to flash out of the way but found himself stuck to the spot. By the time he realized this it was too late for him to get out of the way and the ball hit him square in the chest.

Then he was gone.

Kushina looked around confused, completely not understanding what had just happened. The Shinigami, meanwhile, looked murderous. Like, take the normal Shinigami that killed people as a literal way of existence and multiply that by whatever crazy number you wish to think up, and you get the Shinigami.

"You… would dare break the prime rule." The Shinigami's voice was quiet, and the amount of raw power in it nearly caused Kushina to collapse to the ground. She had never seen such an obvious display of power from the normally sadistically cruel but seemingly amused deity.

"Rules are made to be broken, dear rival. You forced my hand!" Oddly, Bob sounded more like the Shinigami than even the Shinigami usually did. Kushina sent Minato's boss a questioning look, but he was too busy trying to burn a hole through Bob to notice.

**Meanwhile…**

Minato awoke surrounded by trees. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, the sun over head beating down on him. Minato blinked a few times and got his sight back and looked around. There was nothing but trees and tall grass around him and he sighed. Whatever Bob had done, it sure had done a number on him. Minato attempted to flash back to the black space with no result. Shrugging, he decided to flash to the white space, his base of operations, instead. Nothing happened. Minato began to panic; he had never been unable to go back to the white space. Standing up Minato began to walk around, getting an odd sense of familiarity with the forest around him. He had visited many forested realms, this was probably one of them. With that last thought Minato stepped into the tree line and peered out over the valley below him. When his mind registered what his eyes saw it completely shut down.

Can't exactly blame him; it had been fifteen years since he has seen the bustling city Konoha in the flesh.

Minato was alive.

**A/N: **I am an evil bastard, and you love me for it.

Poll of the Chapter: What one character do you want ensured a scene in the next chapter? Don't say Minato or the Shinigami, as they are going to be in every chapter. Most vote wins!


	28. Life

**A/N: **Another unedited chapter is here! My beta is going to absolutely kill me for continuing to post chapters without giving him a chance to catch up. Before I go further, I'd just like my readers to know that I rewrote my harry potter humor fic and would like you guys to check it out when you are done with this chapter, I am going to rewrite all 3 of my original chapters for that and maybe work on that every once in awhile when I've been updating Yellow Flash a lot like I have been here. Back to this story, there seemed to be a positive response to the totally out of nowhere plot twist, hooray for my random last minute ideas. Normally this is where I would read reviewer responses but honestly you all just collectively said that I kick ass and told me to put Naruto in this chapter, so I gladly did it! This chapter isn't as punchline heavy as the last one, and moreso is a tear jerker in a lot of places. Never fear, I added in my favorite comedy crutch for a couple of scenes to give a little bit of humor, but the second part of a trilogy is always a downer, like the Empire Strikes Back!

Isn't it amazing the update schedule I can start keeping when my school is on break for a little bit? Enjoy the chapter everyone.

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**Chapter 26: Life**

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Kushina blinked, still confused. Bob, the supposed good natured god of life, had totally went insane and had screamed the word "life" at her husband and he had suddenly disappeared. With the Shinigami's shocked reaction the obvious conclusion was that Bob had somehow brought her husband back to life. Normally she would have thought that could not be bad, but the Shinigami's purely honest and horrified reaction caused her to rethink that line of thought.

The Shinigami was radiating darkness in such a way that the black space around him seemed to brighten in fear of insulting the Shinigami by being too close to his aura in color. Nick coughed and looked at the Shinigami in awe.

"Unbelievable, so powerful that he is able to break the suppressing powers of this space. I really have to stop trying to screw with you; it always ends badly for me. Blah." Nick passed out again, having said his peace.

Bob smirked at the Shinigami, clearly not impressed.

"I'd stick around Shinigami-chan, but I've got mortals to kill. Have fun fixing your mess!" With a twirl of his body Bob disappeared. The Shinigami's aura of dread slowly receded and he glanced over at Kushina and without any motion on his part they were both back in the white space. Kushina stared at the Shinigami as he paced around, clearly concerned.

"Shinigami, what is going on?" The Shinigami stopped his pacing and looked up at her with a face that could have killed a galaxy with the searing hatred it contained.

"As you have likely deduced, Kushina-chan, your loving husband is back in the world of the living. The problem with this is it is a direct violation of the prime rule. Let me just say this: The last time the prime rule was broken by a god was before I existed. I met my second wife during the big bang." Kushina, not very aptly, thought that it was weirder than two of anything would marry the Shinigami before she thought of the possible implications to the universe.

"So, what can I do?" The Shinigami scoffed at Kushina.

"Nothing. This is territory for me, I am afraid. I have a lot of favors to call in and a lot of new favors to give out to fix this. I also have to inform Minato of the situation and kill him again. I technically still have the contract for his soul but I do not know even how binding that is, honestly. This rule is in place for a very, very good reason. The fact that it has been broken on such a central figure as the judge of souls is even more disturbing. Stay here when I am gone, you mustn't run afoul of Bob yet… he will be taken care of later." With any preamble beyond that the Shinigami disappeared from the white space, leaving Kushina to herself.

**With Minato.**

Minato stared blankly over the city of Konoha. It hadn't changed much over the years a part of him noted, looking as lively and lovely as ever. Minato sank to his knees and his hands instinctively covered his mouth. He couldn't describe what he was feeling right now. He was alive. Bob, that crazy, psychotic, completely mental deity had brought him back to life just outside of Konoha. Looking down Minato was surprised to see that he was actually fully clothed. He was wearing generic black ninja gear that you might expect from a training chuunin out in the field. Minato snorted; it appeared that Bob had a thing for the color black now, and he didn't have much of a style about his work.

"Hello, Minato-kun." Minato nearly jumped out of his newly formed flesh as the Shinigami appeared behind him. The Shinigami looked… haggard. His normal presence greatly diminished. The Shinigami caught Minato's scrutiny and sighed.

"You should not be alive, Minato-kun, and I mean that in every way. You returning to life, whole and undamaged as you are, is ripping the very fabric of the universe. There is a rule that is known as the prime rule: the dead stay dead. It is not questioned, it is a simple fact. As gods we are granted a fair bit of control over the universe, more than your puny mortal brain could imagine. However up until Bob went crazy on us through no one's fault but his own," The Shinigami paused here for Minato's derisive snort, "the power of life and death had been separated quite excellently. I govern the dead, he governs the living and brings them to life. However with his sudden providence over death, even greatly diminished, he was able to force back to life a dead soul. You cannot be allowed to stay here, Minato."

Minato rose to his feet at this declaration, a clear look of defiance in his eyes.

"I sacrificed everything once before. I gave up my life, my wife, and my child's freedom to save this village. Why must I keep sacrificing?" Minato looked at the Shinigami and the deity was shocked to see that Minato was openly crying. The Shinigami, without a doubt, was as cruel as he was punctual, but he could not deny to himself for even a moment that he had a special class of mortal in front of him. The blonde had served him faithfully for fifteen years, and he had grown fonder of the man as the years passed. It was rare for a mortal to amuse and please the Shinigami as much as Minato had managed to do. The Shinigami cursed to himself, knowing that Bob might have gone crazy but this move was shrewd beyond belief. This was the worst kind of torture for Minato, being alive again. Because the Shinigami and Bob both knew that it could not be allowed to last. It simply was not in the rules for it to last. The Shinigami glanced down at Minato who was still trying to regain control of his emotions, struggling mightily to do so.

The Shinigami turned away from Minato and coughed quietly.

"Alas, reacquiring a dead soul that has been returned fully to life by the official life god is certainly a new branch of paperwork that has to be drawn up. Given that your soul is still under my direct command I will have to personally answer hundreds of rather boring questions. This will probably take me half the day, at least." Minato's head shot up in shock, not being fooled by the Shinigami's excuse, a smile of pure appreciation breaking out on his face.

"Thank you, Shinigami-sama." The Shinigami looked at Minato and merely nodded his head, the time for sarcasm past, for now.

"Just remember Minato, you aren't a part of their lives anymore. You would likely give them all heart attacks if you started walking up to them announcing yourself. Be cautious, Minato-kun." The Shinigami disappeared from the forest, leaving Minato alone to think about this opportunity.

**Speaking of plotting…**

Madara clutched at his heart, panic overriding his world. The paranoid man had to pop several pill in order to calm down in any considerable manner. His mind whirled at what had caused him to panic in such a way. It was literally impossible. There was no way it could be true. But damnit all you didn't go through the bother of spending a year on a monitoring system on Namikaze Minato's life for it to be inaccurate. Madara stared at the little green light that was blinking rapidly. For those keeping score with the home edition this meant that Namikaze Minato was alive. Minato, the man that Madara had gone through considerable trouble to kill, was alive. Madara glanced over at his absurdly large blackboard and frowned. As paranoid as he had been for well over a decade now none of his plans included "Minato being alive." He even had two branches where it turned out he was dead and he just didn't even know it yet, but nothing about Minato being _Alive._ Madara began erasing whole plotting threads and started to scribble anew. Madara pounded his knuckled against his mask a few times even in the early planning stages, frustrated beyond belief. Seriously, he had unleashed the Kyuubi to get rid of this guy, and he didn't exactly have a Kyuubi lying around again for this sort of thing! Honestly here; you spend years plotting, being as paranoid as is humanly possible at every juncture, design charts, graphs, and do surveys in god only knows how many countries to see what variables would be best to rule the entire world with a big moon illusion and the blonde son of a bitch just decides to pop back in and ruin all of these plans!

Madara's eye was spinning wildly as his fury overtook him. He had based the last several decades over plan after plan, plot after plot. He had backstabbed more people than he could even remember, all for what? For some freak of nature to suddenly be back from the grave to put an abrupt halt to it all? Madara was thinking some very dark thoughts at the moment. Perhaps he had been mistaken. Perhaps he wasn't meant to live in such a cruel world where the good guys always came through in the end.

**Back with Minato**

Minato breathed in deeply once more, calming his nerves to the best of his ability. He had no idea if Naruto or anyone else that he wanted to meet face to face was even in Konoha at the moment. Still, you didn't get the chance to be alive again every day, if nothing else being in Konoha for a few hours would be a nice way to remember it rather than in ruins, battling the Kyuubi, having to put that terrible seal on his own son. Minato blinked away more tears and steeled himself. He could cry some other time, now was the time to be strong. Focusing internally he performed a transformation jutsu and changed into the most convenient person he could think of: Nick. The man had been dead for hundreds of years and no one could possibly recognize him. Minato frowned, immediately noticing that he was much wirier than he normally was. He had shrunk a few inches too. He knew the brown hair and brown eyes didn't really suit him, but a disguise was a disguise for a reason. With a quick handseal he teleported to the edge of Konoha proper and walked up to the huge gate entrance. A chuunin halted his progress.

"Name and reason for entering Konoha," The chuunin said this line as boringly as possible. He clearly did not take pride in guarding a hidden village. Minato had to keep himself from reprimanding the man.

"Nick, business," Minato said, his voice matching the dullness of the chuunin's. If the chuunin noticed the slight mocking undertone to the response he did not make a note of it as he gave "Nick" a onceover and motioned for him to pass through. Minato hoped such lax security would not haunt Konoha one day and went into the city without complaint. As soon as he was in the city he could not help the smile that formed on his face. It had been rebuilt beautifully. The citizens walked around talking and laughing merrily. Kids played in the street without any fear and their happy smiles warmed his heart. Minato continued to walk throughout the streets, suppressing his chakra to near non-existent levels, at least as far as anyone else was concerned. It had been far longer than fifteen years since Minato had actually walked the streets of Konoha, usually teleporting around or traveling on rooftops. Minato sighed and shook his head. He should make the most of his visit, it'd be over before he knew it. Minato kept a watchful eye for anyone he was familiar with. He did not have to wait long as he saw his son sitting down for some ramen. Minato's heart skipped a beat as he saw his son at the rickety ramen stand with a huge grin on his face as he wildly pointed to his wrapped hand and explained to the person next to him how he had gotten it. Minato focused in on the conversation, using a small amount of chakra to enhance his hearing.

"Baa-chan says that I can't use it again, I might be unable to use my hand again or something. She mentioned nerves , I was confused to be honest." Naruto scratched his cheek in embarrassment and the girl beside him, a Hyuuga by the looks of it, smiled shyly at Naruto.

"Naruto-kun, nerves control your ability to operate your body properly. If you damage them beyond repair it would be very, very bad." Naruto looked at the Hyuuga for a moment before he nodded sagely, pretending to understand exactly what she had just said. Minato had to repress a smile, it was a habit the kid had gotten from him.

"You're so smart, Hinata-chan!" Hinata blushed deeply at the compliment and Minato could see the obvious affection in her eyes, although his son seemed to be oblivious. So entrenched in the conversation in front of him he did not detect the man working his way towards him before he was right beside him. Minato flicked his eyes over to the man beside him and was met with the cold, serious eyes of his former teacher, Jiraiya. Minato quickly deduced the problem with this situation. Minato had been listening intently on Naruto's conversation. He knew Jiraiya had personally trained the boy and saw in him a lot of what he had seen in Minato himself. Further, with Akatsuki making it known that they were coming for Naruto Jiraiya, and everyone else in the leaf, was on guard around the boy.

"You seem very interested in Uzumaki Naruto, stranger." The man's words were not accusatory because they really didn't need to be. When one of the most legendary ninjas of the modern age stepped up right beside you in his home village, you spoke quickly, honestly, and hoped you were on his side. Minato had been out of the ninja game for a long time now, but he still knew how to thread truth in with lies to fool even the very best, such as Jiraiya.

"I am here to watch Naruto. I won't be here for more than a day. I am a friend." He had said three things, all of them completely truthful and having no lies within them. Jiraiya surmised that much as soon as the man was done talking. The undisguised honesty in that statement could not be faked, not by anyone Jiraiya had ever met. When Jiraiya talked again he spoke in much more of a hushed tone.

"Did the Kazekage send you?" Minato thought quickly, surprised Jiraiya had asked such a question right off the bat. His old teacher had not rusted in his old age, it seemed.

"Not directly, no." Another non-lie. Not directly, not indirectly either. Jiraiya nodded and smiled.

"Well, I can tell you are a grunt anyway, even if you tried to make a move on Naruto he'd probably kick your scrawny ass anyway." Jiraiya laughed and slapped Minato on the back while Minato twitched internally. It seemed he had rusted in his chakra detecting abilities a little more than he had first thought.

"Jiraiya-sama," Minato said before he could stop himself. Jiraiya's laughter died at the somber tone and Minato had his full attention.

"These times are rough, make sure you take care of the boy." Jiraiya's face hardened at the direction, taking it as an insult.

"I don't need a stranger telling me to protect my family. You may be a friendly, but don't say such reckless things to me." Minato nodded, feigning apology and fright while sighing happily on the inside. Such a harsh rebuke lessened Minato's worry. Jiraiya would never let anything happen to Naruto as long as he was alive, and that old man didn't seem like he was declining any time soon. A second later Jiraiya was gone, leaving Minato alone to stare at Naruto. He had grown since the former Hokage had last seen him those brief few moments a few years ago. He had lost a lot of fat and he was looking more like Minato himself these days. Anyone who saw him now would be able to see the obvious family resemblance. Minato wanted to run up and hug his son but he heeded the Shinigami's sentiments about saying hello and saying bye just as quickly, he wouldn't do such a thing to his son. Minato was intensely clever however and quickly thought of a suitable conversation to have with Naruto. Minato went over to the ramen stand and made enough noise with his walking to attract Naruto and Hinata's attention. Minato extended his hand for Naruto to shake, his non-maimed one, and Naruto got an odd expression on his face but shook the hand regardless, clearly not knowing what was going on.

"Hello Naruto-kun, I am sure you don't know me but I have been following your life for a very long time now, and I would just like to let you know that you are a hero this village, and you have my thanks for the sacrifice you make every day." Naruto's eyes widened and he spared a glance to Hinata in worry that she would find out his secret. In return he only got a Hinata blushing and mumbling her agreement about Naruto being a hero, not someone who was bothering to analyze the exact wording of the compliment. Naruto looked back at the man who still had his hand firmly grasped within his own and didn't know what to say. It felt good to be acknowledged, but it was also very awkward because he had no idea to react. He scratched the back of his head with his bad hand in embarrassment and grinned widely.

"Thanks, mister. I'll try my best to watch out for everyone, and I'll be the greatest Hokage ever someday!" Naruto's shyness was easy to see but it was crystal clear to Minato that he had an enduring love for his village, a love that his village hadn't always returned, the hardest kind of love to give and perhaps the most telling to a person's character.

"I look forward to the day, Naruto-kun." Minato released his hand and stepped in front of Hinata, who looked at the man's feet instead of his face. Minato bent down and whispered a few private words to her, which caused her to blush and nod in acceptance. Minato pulled back and gave her a wink. Minato gave Naruto one last nod and turned his back to him and walked away from the ramen stand. One step at a time, it was that simple. It was what was required of him. This was likely the last time he would see his son before they met when he died. Minato just had to keep walking away from him. The tears couldn't come. That's what it meant to be both a ninja and a parent sometimes. Your children couldn't see you cry, regardless of how much you wanted to break down. Minato found a bench in the park and promptly flopped down on it, worn out. He took a deep breath and reflected on how amazing life was. Death didn't hurt and there were things he could do that he never would have dreamed of doing while he was alive, but living was still a unique experience. It was the tiny sensations, really. The _feeling_ of your lungs expanding to take in air that seemed to fade and dull in the afterlife. Minato closed his eyes and reveled in the feeling of his body doing its normal, everyday process. Taking in air, muscles relaxing and tightening up at his will. It was so similar to the afterlife, but just different enough that he could appreciate it fully. He didn't know how much time passed or when exactly it happened, but eventually the Shinigami was sitting on the bench beside him.

"Not every day I get to bring someone to the afterlife a second time. I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly," The Shinigami said in a deceptively light tone. Minato looked at the Shinigami as if he was looking at the deity for the first time.

"You are one of the good ones, aren't you, Shinigami-sama?" The question was asked half-heartedly, as if Minato knew the answer. The death god glared at Minato for a moment as if he was mortally wounded, but then relented and shrugged his shoulders.

"I try my best." Minato was surprised by the sincerity from the Shinigami in that simply answer, but he supposed that it wasn't so surprising thinking back on it.

"Is it time for me to go?" Minato asked this with an even voice, but the Shinigami was not fooled.

"Indeed." Minato stood up and focused his gaze on the Hokage monument. He looked at his face carved into the mountain, and then glanced over to Tsunade's right next to it. He swept his eyes over the space after that, reserved for the next Hokage, whoever that might one day be. The last image of Minato's life was of Naruto's grinning face being carved into that mountain.

**Back with Madara**

Madara had prepared the rope expertly and prepared to hang himself. The Uchiha line kind of sucked anyway, so Madara didn't feel too terrible about leaving the legacy of the clan to a half-blind psychotic and a half-gay (Madara always did like to low-ball his statistical figures) little brother of said psychotic with severe brother issues. Madara was about to jump from the rafters of his secret lair when the color of Minato's life monitoring system flashed red and stayed that way. Madara tilted his head and blinked in confusion. Not thinking about it, he jumped off the chair to investigate and promptly hung himself.

…

Then he phased through the rope and landed with surprising grace on the ground, thirty feet from his drop. Madara took out a notepad and wrote down a passage. _Killing self by hanging probably not my greatest idea ever._

**Flashback**

Madara took out his notepad and made an entry. _Sneaking into Konoha and unleashing the Kyuubi, killing the only ninja in the world who could rival my former power and stop my future plan: My greatest idea ever. _

**End Flashback**

Madara sighed and looked over at his blackboard which had several erased plans that he had intended to replace with alternative master plots. Madara looked to the left, and then he looked to the right. Then he shrugged and took out his chalk and wrote a single line and flipped the chalk over his shoulder and walked out of the room.

The line, which encompassed his new plan, read as follows:

_Manipulate my family to do my work for me. _

**In the Afterlife**

Minato stood in some sort of waiting room. There were several plain looking chairs in the room and a door on the far side of the room. Minato looked over his shoulder and noticed there was no door going the other way. He clearly surmised this was the queue room. Before he had time to read one of the magazines a buzzing noise sounded inside of his head and he was back in the white space. The Shinigami was sitting behind _his_ desk looking over a file.

"Hello, Minato-kun. Please sit down. We will begin your judgment now."

Minato sighed; this was going to be interesting.

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**A/N: **Another chapter gone! This chapter is part two of the Bob arc (which I admittedly made up on the spot) and part 1 of the same events. This chapter was mostly from Minato's perspective, while next chapter is going to have a lot of "flashbacks" to what the Shinigami was doing while Minato was enjoying the sights of Konoha. I am sure I gave quite a few of you a fright when I put life back into Minato because that is some dangerous territory, but I figure I've been writing this off and on for four years, I could give Minato some form of closure and introduce my first arc of the story! I do not really support any ships over any others, but Dragon Man 180 has been a long time reader and I did owe you guys a little bit of Hinata, so I thought I'd throw that in that for all of you that enjoy that.

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**Poll of the Chapter: **Now that Minato is back in the afterlife, who do you want to see appear in the next chapter?

This chapter Naruto won overwhelmingly, so I gave it to you guys. As a person who thinks up chapters on the fly mostly, it is exceedingly easy to listen to my reviewers for at least a side scene every chapter, if you haven't noticed.

See you guys around,

Chris


	29. Death is a Trip

**A/N**: Hello, my faithful readers, I have returned from the abyss yet again with another chapter of this fanfic. I apologize for the long wait, it was never my intention but issues came up, and then I began to write for other projects, and then I got caught up with moving, and now I am about to have to move again, and it is all just so frantic that I forgot about all of you for a little while. As is the case with most of my updates, the vast majority of this chapter was finished within two days, because if you are a long time reader you know that once I get going, I get going very well. Probably the biggest plot twist in the whole chapter is the fact that I did not include Madara at all, but that is with good reason: I uploaded a oneshot with Madara as the main character! If you need your Madara fix, by all means check that out.

With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter, and I hope none of my readers have died in my long absence.

**Chapter 27: Death is a Trip **

"So, you are joking, right?" Minato's voice held little hope within it, and there was a good reason for that: There was little to be hopeful about. The Shinigami looked pleased with himself, which of course meant that there was trouble brewing. As discussed previously, the Shinigami had little in the way of hobbies aside from killing people for his job and torturing them for recreational purposes. Ideas that made the Shinigami happy would make everyone else shudder.

"I am afraid not, you were never given a proper judging Minato-kun, and while your death via a contract to me allowed you to circumvent many of the rules, one of the concessions I had to make for the universe not to break itself in half was that you would be properly judged. No one else is suited to be judge of the dead except the two of us, and judging yourself just seems crass, don't you agree?" Minato looked like he was going to argue the point but, thinking about the more pressing matters at hand, decided to speed the process along, simply nodding his head in ascent.

"Very good! Let us begin." With a snap of his fingers the Shinigami made stacks upon stacks of paperwork appear around the desk, much more than any previous death that Minato had seen. "Ah yes, you were a busy boy weren't you," The Shinigami said this as lightly as he could, the amusement in his voice evident.

"Yeah, I guess I was." Minato's voice came out in a monotone, and his eyes were narrowed. There were many events in his lifetime that he was not proud of; some of his decisions still haunted him. He did not know how serious his boss was here, but if outside forces were bearing down upon him and he felt the need to give so much preamble before beginning this judgment, then Minato had the bad feeling this was going to be serious.

The Shinigami picked up a folder and flipped through it before pausing at a page, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Over the course of your life you are directly responsible for over one hundred thousand deaths, and indirectly responsible for more than a million. You decimated whole countries for a decade, and left the economy of those places in ruins. Your actions have had lasting ramifications far past your death, and have allowed the organization known as Akatsuki to gain influence, which has led to an unprecedented amount of chaos for the people of your world. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Minato looked at the Shinigami and many thoughts passed through his mind. The Shinigami was lacking his usual snide tone of voice all throughout this conversation. That question had been far too clinical and distant to be something that the Shinigami would ask of him, so clearly it was not the Shinigami asking him that question.

"Who wants to know?" Minato's tone was polite, and held no emotion within it. The Shinigami smiled one of his nasty grins, clearly impressed with the nature of the counter-question.

"A good question indeed, Minato-kun."

_The Day before_

The Shinigami let out a sigh he had been holding back and rose up to his full height. Things were a mess, and as per the usual in the afterlife, he was the only one who was going to fix it. The other so-called Gods had long since stopped caring about the balance of things. They were content to let chaos fly freely and sort it out after half of the universe had burned. If this had been back in the day, Bob would have been torn from existence itself in under a minute. As things were, however, no one was going to come running to aid the Shinigami on this matter. Well, no one _welcome_, at any rate.

"Ah Shinigami-kun, so nice to see you." Jashin took a bite out of the apple he was holding in his hand and gave the Shinigami a toothless smile. The Shinigami spared him a glance before sighing.

"You were not who I was expecting to see. Although to be fair I wasn't expecting for anyone to come at this rate, but still."

"I am aware, Shinigami-kun, however despite your bitterness I do care for the universe's health… especially when it effects my business. That whole affair with your pet coming back alive could have caused major ripples in my supply chain if it hadn't been handled so delicately. I almost went to the living realm and dragged Minato back myself. Thankfully for his sake he has you on his side," The threat behind his kind tone was not disguised at all. "Speaking of the universe, I am here to offer any assistance that I am capable of in hopes of ending this situation quickly." The Shinigami thought about it, and was worried that there was not a word out of place. The overt threat against Minato had been predictable and it would have worried him more if it hadn't been there. Jashin was dangerous, and a high level player in the afterlife if there ever was one. The Shinigami was powerful, influential, and psychotic in his own right, but over the years he had deftly managed to avoid Jashin, not sure of just how put together the deity was. However, the Shinigami had to welcome the help even if he didn't want to; he did not have the clout in the upper reaches of the afterlife like Jashin did. Death was quite literally meaningless to most of the higher ups, only knowing it as some abstract concept once or twice an eternity, hardly giving it a fleeting thought. Death held dominion over many, many beings, but not the aspects of the universe itself he would need to meet with in order to bring Bob's end as swiftly as possible.

"Very well, I suppose it would be wise to let you tag along. However, Jashin-sama, do not expect any favors out of this. You are joining me out of your own self-interest, is this perfectly understood?" For a moment Jashin's face seemed to cloud over as something sinister danced in his eyes; however, it was gone before any mortal could hope to see it. The Shinigami smiled ever so slightly, having correctly guessed one of Jashin's many motives in coming here. Having a favor owed to you by the Shinigami could have been useful to him, naturally.

"Of course, Shinigami-kun. I am here for the good of the universe because it is good for me, and nothing more." The Shinigami saw through the obvious lie, but did not find it important enough to press the issue.

"Where to first, Jashin-sama?"

"Why not start at the top?"

**Meanwhile, in the living world…**

Rock Lee had his knees bent as he rested on a tree branch just above a sleeping Tenten, who had most of her ninja gear off and appeared to be resting with her back on the tree trunk with a simple white shirt and a pair of slacks on, her long hair let down for once covering her shoulders beautifully. However, much to Lee's nature, he was not concerned with spying on his attractive teammate with unyouthful thoughts in his mind; quite the opposite, in fact. His brow furrowed in concern as Tenten appeared to have some type of fever; her body was covered in goose bumps and had sweat developing on her forehead, dripping down her face. Her mouth was also moving and she appeared to be whispering something. Lee secured his feet with chakra and swung down so that his entire body was defying gravity, only his feet still remaining on the tree. From only a few feet away, what Tenten was muttering in her sleep became much clearer.

"Neji-kun…not there, t-that's private…Oh, Neji-kun, stop…d-don't…stop…" Tenten's head rolled for a little bit before her body went still again, still sweating as profusely as before. Lee frowned harshly, believing he knew what was going on here. Tenten was sick and was having a nightmare! Lee berated himself, knowing that Gai-sensei would be most displeased with him for not noticing this before. They had been training alone together for a few days now and he was just noticing that Tenten had taken ill. Lee's face turned into a smile however, because now that he had diagnosed the problem he could fix it!

"Yosh!" Lee said, before getting to work.

Around an hour later Neji returned from fetching some fish in a nearby stream to the strangest sight he had ever seen, and given the fact that he had been Rock Lee's teammate and Gai's student for almost four years now, that was saying something. Lee had somehow managed to incase Tenten in an Igloo, ice surrounding her entire body except for her face, which was visible through the many layers of ice around her. Next to her was a picture of Neji smiling brightly, clearly a time he had been bribed to smile for his family. All around the Igloo scented candles burned as Lee chanted something that Neji could not understand.

"Lee…what in the hell are you doing." Lee nearly jumped out of his skin, clearly surprised to see Neji, but he quickly recovered.

"Yosh! My great teammate, while you were away I discovered that Tenten had taken quite ill, and as we all know evil spirits are what cause grave illnesses inside the hearts and minds of youthful people like our great teammate Tenten, so I found some ice to trap the wicked spirit as I perform a ceremony to get her out of our friend! Lee smiled as wide as he could and struck a nice guy pose for Neji to show how sincere he was.

Sadly for Neji, he didn't have much trouble understanding Lee's logic and simply nodded his head in general agreement, seeing no reason to really argue the point.

"Ok, so I get the ice, and I guess I get the candles, but why the picture of me?"

"Ah, because she was sweating quite a lot when I observed her earlier and muttering your name in quite an unyouthful way, so I thought that the evil spirit had grabbed a hold of her mind as well. So I found the first picture I could of you in your most youthful of poses, smiling down on us like a ray of sunshine! Yosh!" Neji considered Lee's words for a moment before a few things clicked in Neji's mind about how Tenten acted around him. Then a few more clicked. Then about forty-thousand things clicked and if it were possible a light bulb would have appeared above Neji's head. Trying his best to hide his smile from Lee, he spoke.

"Ah, that makes sense. You've done a good job here today Lee, looking after Tenten. How about you go rest for a little awhile and I'll take over? It is my duty to look after our team mate as well, Lee." Lee shouted about the youthfulness of his amazing team mate and headed off while Neji looked at Tenten and shook his head, a smile adorning his face.

"I really am so oblivious sometimes…yosh." At the same time he said yosh, he had struck the ice that was around Tenten, causing her to wake up with a start.

That would only be the second biggest surprise she encountered in a one minute span, however.

**Back with Jashin and the Shinigami**

Jashin knocked once against the wooden door and immediately entered, not waiting for a reply. Then again, maybe he got all of the reply that he required. The Shinigami followed Jashin through the door and found what he least was expecting: a shabby looking office with piles of paperwork everywhere. Literally. Everywhere. The Shinigami could hardly move more than a few steps into the room without being assaulted by paper.

"Are you around old man? It is Jashin, I wish to speak to you," Jashin said with an unnerving amusement in his voice. The Shinigami didn't know if Jashin was going to offer the man in here a bribe, a blackmail, or a threat for his trouble.

"Ah Jashin, it has been quite some time since I've heard that name. I do believe the word eons is appropriate here." From out of nowhere, or more precisely from out from under one of the many stacks of paperwork, an elderly looking man stepped forward. His hair was almost as white as the paper around him; he stood slightly hunched over and he wore small framed glasses upon his face. The man was dressed in a blue sweater with a black pair of pants, which seemed to be ill-fitting. As the Shinigami scrutinized the man before him, the man turned his attention to the Shinigami in turn.

"Ah, and the God of Death greets me, I do not think we have had the pleasure to meet, at least in any way you would remember me. A pleasure, I am sure." The Shinigami was taken aback by the tone in the man's voice. It was kind, and very knowing, allowing the Shinigami to surmise very quickly that he was far out of his depth. _At least in any way you would remember me_, Gods have very far reaching memories, perfect in the most literal sense of the word. For this man, this _being_ to tell him that the Shinigami's memory would not suffice was frightening to the Shinigami. With that said, the Shinigami would never show such unease; it was unbecoming of his stature.

"Indeed? It is rare my memory would fail one such as me, perhaps you met someone else who claimed dominion over Death in my stead?" The Shinigami of course already knew the answer to the question, but he held hope that it had probative value. The man eyed him for a moment before chuckling.

"Ah, I see I have made you nervous, that was not my design intent at all. I forget, constantly surrounded by paperwork as I am, that I do tend to startle others when I prattle on about knowing them very well, even if it is the first time I meet them. Allow me to introduce myself: I am the Keeper of History, all of it. My knowledge is infinite. If it has happened, I know of it." The Shinigami relaxed slightly, not quite as out of his depth as he had previously thought. Knowledge was a useful thing, but without the power to abuse it, this man was just a glorified librarian. Librarians do tend to be helpful, though.

"Jashin informed me that you could be helpful to me. I am searching for a way to rob Bob of his powers over death-"The Shinigami stopped when the keeper held up a hand.

"That would be impossible, I am afraid." The Shinigami did not allow himself to show how startled he was; that was not the answer he had expected nor one did he find acceptable.

"Pardon, Keeper?" The keeper shook his head in annoyance.

"I was clear, it is impossible to do what you ask, for he has no such powers to begin with."

The Shinigami tilted his head for a moment and suddenly a soft wind began to swirl all around the room. The keeper looked startled as the wind began to gust stronger, toppling stacks of paperwork over by the dozens.

"Keeper of History, allow me to make something clear to you," The Shinigami began, his face stony in its fury, "I do not appreciate misleading answers. I feel that I am responsible for this mess, and unlike many lesser gods", here he spared a glance at Jashin, who shrugged at the obvious accusation; "I take my responsibilities very seriously. The universe itself has called on me to correct this, and if you are going to waste my time very bad things are going to happen to you." The Keeper's mouth twitched into a smile before he spoke.

"Shinigami-kun, allow me to make something very clear to you: You are in my realm. I could crush you like a bug if I wished it. You may want to examine your surroundings before making such hasty threats." The Shinigami looked around the room for a moment, quickly realizing that this was indeed a most irregular room. The power that flowed through this room was not normal in any sense of the word, the elements within it very foreign to him. The Shinigami had realized he was out of his depth the moment he entered this place, but perhaps had underestimated just what type of deity he was dealing with. It was rare that anyone would be given their own sub-dimension in the afterlife, even his own realms were not sub-dimensions. The Shinigami looked back to the keeper who was smiling knowingly at him and decided that playing nice was not something he was capable of doing here.

"Hm, I am not impressed. However if you are willing to have a brawl right here while the universe is on the verge of a collapse, I do believe my calendar is free for the day." The Shinigami put on his best smile for the keeper and watched him expectedly. The response was immediate.

"No, that is quite alright, I have been around for too long to have any pride left, my only concern is the continuing ability to study history. I always like to warn people before they say things they shouldn't. Jashin was the last to act with haste in my presence, and I wasted days scraping pieces of him off my walls." Jashin flinched at that pronouncement, clearly not comfortable with it being told. The keeper turned an apologetic smile to Jashin.

"I apologize; I had just assumed you told the Shinigami under what pretense you brought him here. You see, Shinigami-kun, in exchange for bringing problems that I can help with to my attention I graciously allowed Jashin-kun over here to leave my realm in one piece. I do love history, and the pursuit of knowledge has been my work forever it seems now, but company every once and again does my old spirit good, even if it is just business and even if it is for a very short amount of time." The Shinigami nodded, pretending to care about this old man's sob story. He didn't know what it was about himself that made people think he gave a shit about them, but here is another one, telling his life story to him.

"As for your current problem," The keeper began once again, "I know of someone who could help you out. On the other hand, since you seem to be in somewhat of a rush, I suppose I could cut to the chase and just solve the problem more directly." The keeper turned to his left and began to shuffle through a stack of paperwork which had been disturbed by the Shinigami's earlier hissy fit. After a moment the keeper found the paper he was looking for and returned his attention to the Shinigami.

"Ah, here it is. This paper is quite old, but that is to be expected. It details the balance between life and death, and what happens when it is disturbed. As you may or may not have guessed, you and the one you call Bob are not so different in how you are made up, merely in the pursuit of your roles. While you have, generally speaking, welcomed the mantle of death-bringer and tormentor of the wicked, all of this time Bob had welcomed his role as life-bringer, and thus there was balance and the Universe was happy. The problem came when he was pushed past his limits mentally, and what happened next is rather predictable. Now, there are two very easy solutions to the current problem. You could accept the mantle of life-bringer to the universe-"the Shinigami shot the keeper such a deadly look that the keeper almost recoiled, "Right, I thought as much. The second way is to reset him." Jashin perked up at this.

"Reset, you say? That sounds like killing to me! I will gladly assist in this venture!" The keeper sighed, clearly unimpressed by Jashin's offer.

"It does indeed sound like killing, but I am afraid you are not up for the task. No god may strike down another god in this fashion, not unless the god does want to sacrifice his own life, because that is what the Universe's asking price would be." At this Jashin looked less eager to volunteer his services and chose a very high stack of paperwork to hide behind.

"Your wording was most odd however, Keeper. You did not say kill or destroy, but reset. Surely this was intentional?" The Shinigami eyed the Keeper curiously sure he had kept something to himself. The Keeper smiled up at the Shinigami.

"Perceptive of you, Shinigami-kun, I am impressed. As you should remember, Gods do not exist on the same level of existence as mortals, and while mortal souls can be sundered from all of existence, it is not so easy to kill a god. By destroying Bob's current form what would happen is his essence would be renewed back to its original state, and he would resume his duties as the god of life with minimal, if any, complications."

"What's the catch?"

"Ah yes, the catch. In order to reset a god in this manner you would need a willing mortal who is pure in spirit. The text does not specify what definition it is looking for, but the number of mortals we have in the afterlife who could stand up to a god of Bob's caliber are few and far in between. Allow me to search through my files to see who is available and I'll get back to you." The Shinigami shook his head.

"That will not be required; I have just the man in mind."

"That's wonderful, Shinigami-kun, but we have not discussed my price." The Shinigami could not help cringing; he had made a mistake.

"Your price, Keeper?" The old man smiled toothily at the Shinigami.

"Of course, knowledge is power, keeper of death, and I have just given you knowledge. Now, my price."

The Shinigami sighed; this would be costly.

_Back with Minato and the Shinigami_

"I made a visit to a very special aspect of the afterlife yesterday, he called himself the Keeper of History, and he was most useful to us in terms of our little Bob problem. I cannot reveal much to you, Minato-kun, but the questions I am asking you are of a great importance. I have a task for you to perform, and if you are not up to it then I must find someone else. This is not a time for games, the universe is at stake. If you are not willing to answer these questions, someone else will be asked to do what must be done; it is as simple as that." The Shinigami's voice was grave, and his demeanor was unchanged from his previous questioning of Minato. Minato, for his part, sat back in his chair and gave the Shinigami an appraising look. After a long moment, Minato spoke.

"Life is not always easy, and I am not ever going to pretend to be flawless. I can't know how my actions affected the world after I was gone, no one can know that. I set about solving the problems in front of me. I devastated countries? Yeah, I did. They messed with the wrong country, though. They wanted to destroy Konoha and everything that it stood for. They thought that fire could be snuffed out if you just threw a few rocks on top of it. I was the response to their theory; I was the one that repeatedly showed them what the will of fire really meant. We were taking heavy losses, my childhood friends were slaughtered left and right, and someone had to do something. So I did. They should have been the ones to worry about their future; it was never my responsibility to care about what happened to other countries. I was a ninja of Konoha, and then its leader. I hunted out evil when I could, but it was never my duty, and I was no seer, I could never have known what would happen in my wake, after my death. I take no responsibility for what happened; my conscience is clear."

The Shinigami gave Minato an appraising look before nodding his head and writing something down.

"I was hoping that would be your response, Minato-kun, and I hope that you were sincere there, you are going to need to be if you have any hopes of defeating Bob." Minato raised an eyebrow, not having expected that.

"Defeat Bob? You've schooled me enough in the subject of what happens when, and I quote, "uppity mortals" try to take on a God. You have shown your authority over me quite a few times, in fact." Minato's looked darkened slightly as the Shinigami chuckled.

"You underestimate two things here, Minato-kun. Firstly, I have direct providence over you due to the contract you signed with me. You would have to surpass me in raw power in order to have a hope of ever even harming me, much less defeating me, and that is not something that is ever likely to happen."(1) The Shinigami paused here for a moment to cough. "Secondly, you vastly underestimate the Universe. Bob is on the wrong side of the Universe right now, and getting into all-out battle when this is the case is generally frowned upon by logical people, as bad things tend to happen a lot more often when you are on the wrong side of the Universe. One would not kick your wife while you were right next to her, for example, think of it like that. Except the Universe is everywhere." Minato would have to talk with the Shinigami sometime about his ability to use concise examples, but he understood well enough.

"So, I am supposed to fight Bob, when is this all going to go down?" The Shinigami merely gave Minato a very nasty grin.

"…It is going to happen now, isn't it?" The Shinigami's smile grew even wider.

"You were always so smart, Minato. It is why you are my favorite." At the moment he finished saying this a huge explosion rocked the White Space and a dreadful presence appeared.

(1) To be fair to Minato, while he did completely ravage many economies due to countless bloodshed, and he even admits to this, but what has not been properly accredited to him is the fact that he practically saved the profession of psychology within Iwa by the mere mention of his name for nearly twenty years.

(2) As I have referenced to previously, this statement is a lie in the Shinigami's own mind. He has always had a lot of plans and plots that involve Minato, but this is the first time that I have outright stated it: Minato is going to, eventually, at my current pace let's call it ten years down the line, become a major player in the afterlife, but that is of course assuming I have not died yet before I can finish this story.

A/N: And another chapter concluded, this time with a cliffhanger the size of a universe! Don't worry, I try to make sure I don't leave my readers on the side of a cliff for too long.

**Poll of the chapter: **Where would you like to see Minato and Bob's epic battle for the fate of the universe take place? You have all of your imagination to decide, as the afterlife is massive, so please let me know where you would like it to be!


	30. The Fighting Spirit

A/N: I am nervous about this chapter because I truthfully have no idea what the reaction is going to be, I have never done anything like this for this fanfiction or any fanfiction I have ever done. This, put simply, is a fight. A knockdown, winner take all fight. Very little humor to be found here, and its serious. I hope you enjoy it.

Now for reviewer response!

Kamen Rider Leonite – You said last chapter was short even though you liked it, well, this chapter is my longest one ever so you should really get a kick of it!

OK, I am drained, and my beta isn't on, so I am just going to throw this up here and edit it up a bit later, happy reading.

Note: I reposted this due to an error, so sorry if you got a little spam about it, had to make it two chapters as well, my bad if you've got me on alert, the good news is chapter 30 is almost done.

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**Chapter 28: The Fighting Spirit**

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Minato turned around, and for a brief moment he felt the unfamiliar flutter of excitement for battle as he gazed upon the warped figure of Bob. If he looked the part of a death god before, he _felt_ the part now. His presence had only grown darker and more sinister since the last time Minato had seen him. However, unlike last time, Bob looked nothing like his former self. Instead of towering above Minato and being of equal height to the Shinigami the Shinigami's usurper had taken on a new form: Human. Bob was now a slender, although muscled, young looking man. He had black hair, which was tied into a neat ponytail behind his head and he wore black clothes, reminiscent of the ANBU of Konoha, being as plain as black could possibly be. Like the ANBU, Bob wore a mask to hide his face with the symbol of death written upon it. The only thing that would give Bob away as something other than an ordinary elite ninja was his glowing red eyes, which attempted to pierce into the soul of Minato but was only met with Minato's steely blue eyes, which glared back at him. They stared at each other for a long moment before Bob spoke.

"I see that you have returned from life already, how surprising. I would have thought as a man who damned his son to an eternity of torment and subservience to the mighty Kyuubi that you would want to try to help the poor boy." At the accusation Minato had no obvious reaction, although the Shinigami caught the fact that Minato's legs had tensed, like a predator that was readying to pounce. Bob continued, and the smile on his face did not need to be seen for everyone in the room to know it was there.

"Do you believe that if you remain silent I will spare you your due suffering? A foolish thought for a man who serves a foolish master. The Shinigami's time has passed, and it is I who shall rule over death from now on. Death is mine alone, Minato; I am the universe's chosen, do you not understand? Why do you think it was so easy for me to gain these powers? The universe wishes for me to take over, to corrupt the living, to bring about chaos and even more death. Life has been too strong for too long, because I always dominated the Shinigami, but now the scales will be balanced! They will be balanced with the blood of the weak and the afraid!" Although Bob started off sounding civil, the madness hiding just beneath the surface had begun to leak out near the end, his talk of chaos causing his voice to rise in pitch to mirror his excitement.

"It is amazing," Minato began, getting up from his seat across from the Shinigami, "How many times I hear the same words spoken by different people. You do not know the first thing about chaos, Bob, not at all. You have cracked, lost your purpose, and have the power to do bad things to other people, so you call it chaos. It is in fact just the opposite, it is order. A God overpowering mortals, reigning over them with his supposed superiority as they are helpless to stop their lives from coming to an end; that is perfect order." As he spoke, Minato's voice dropped a tone in loudness but made up for it in the emotion behind it. It was not hard to see that Minato was furious, but if it had been the crackling yellow aura that surrounded him by the end of it would have dispelled all doubt about his current mood.

"Pretty words, Minato, will do you no good-"

"Shut up." Minato breathed the two words, but the aura around him got more suffocating to both the Shinigami and Bob, both having to actively shield themselves from it.

"You speak of my son, Naruto. You don't have that right. You speak of chaos, but you show in your actions that you are nothing but a crazed madman who has been granted too much power for his own good. You want chaos? Fine. What I am about to do to you is going to be chaos." With a savage roar that startled the Shinigami, Minato charged straight at Bob who was taken off-guard and took a right fist right to the gut which doubled him over. Without missing a beat Minato yanked Bob up by his ponytail and slung him across the White Space. As quick as lightning, Minato's hands flashed through several hand seals until it ended on the ram and a dark pulsing portal appeared right behind Bob and he was sent through it. Minato stared off into the portal for a moment before the aura around him dampened considerably and he stumbled onto one knee, breathing heavily.

"Putting myself on a level where I could take him by surprise, even for a few moments, took almost all of my energy. You've got to be kidding me," Minato said this with ragged breath.

"Minato!" Kushina ran to her husband's side, having just appeared in the white space a few seconds before. Minato turned to his wife and smiled.

"Hey, no need to sound so worried, the hero of the story never does like it when the love interest sounds like that, heh heh," Minato's voice wavered a bit at the end as he clutched his stomach, feeling the aftereffects of going so far beyond his normal limits. The Shinigami watched his minion suffering on the floor and he came to a decision, one that could cost him dearly.

"I do not speak much about the nature of my powers because it is rather boring," The Shinigami began, "but if you wish to fight Bob on an equal footing you are going to need my help, and I suppose just this once I can give it to you." The Shinigami walked over to Minato and knelt down beside his fallen champion.

"Minato, are you ready to sacrifice in order to stop Bob?" Kushina eyed the Shinigami wearily when he said this, not liking the seriousness in his voice. Minato, on the other hand, only grunted in the affirmative, the pain worsening in his soul.

"OK then. Well, this is going to be unpleasant, to put it lightly." The Shinigami thrust his arm into Minato's chest and the blonde screamed as the pain completely overrode all of his other senses. Kushina gasped as the Shinigami removed something from Minato's chest. Whatever the Shinigami had removed, it had looked suspiciously like a human heart. So transfixed with what was being held in the Shinigami's hand, Kushina did not notice that Minato had not only stopped screaming but was already back on his feet with a feral grin on his face.

"So this is the extent of your powers, Shinigami-sama? I must admit, I am impressed." Minato clenched and unclenched his hands a few times, each time he did so his aura flared and then receded.

"Indeed, I have given you every ounce of my power as a god. As you may have guessed, Bob and I are on equal footing, so the powers I have allowed you to borrow should be enough to accomplish the task at hand. If not, that is squarely on you, Minato-kun."

"Yeah, I got it." Minato looked over his shoulder at the pulsing portal he had opened. "Well, there's no time like the present. I'll be back when I have finished." Minato flashed away and a moment later the portal was closed.

Kushina stared at the spot where the portal had been for a moment before returning her attention to the Shinigami.

"Shinigami-sama, what did you take out of my husband's chest?" The Shinigami smiled down at Kushina, which frightened the fiery woman.

"Nothing that he needed." Kushina raised an eyebrow at the evasive answer.

"What was it, Shinigami-sama?" Kushina asked again, almost purring at the Shinigami. The Shinigami was going to give another smartass reply before he saw the dangerous glint in the woman's eyes. Normally that would have been as troublesome as a cloudy day to the Shinigami, but in his current state he was horrendously weak, and it would probably not be wise to anger the woman.

Then again, giving the woman the answer she sought would probably piss her off too, but he had no way to escape at present so might as well be honest.

"His heart." Kushina's eyebrows went to her hairline and her eyes went from "dangerous" to "murderous" in one second flat.

"Explain," Kushina said breathlessly, her temper on the very verge of breaking loose. The Shinigami rolled his eyes, still to this day constantly surprised that everyone thought that just because almost everything he did was for pure sport that literally everything he did was for pure sport. There were things he did because they were required, after all.

"In order to give him my powers I had to ensure that my powers did not recognize him as a human soul, and for that to occur he has to be rid of his heart. It really has no ill effects which you might be imagining. It is purely symbolic at this stage of Minato's transition into the afterlife. Many newly dead souls could probably get lost if not for this anchor to their mortality, but for a person who possesses the presence that Minato does, everything is fine. Believe me, the fate of the universe is at stake here, I have gotten too used to how everything is to let it be destroyed because the person who I willingly gave every drop of my power is somehow made unstable in the process, so you can rest your pretty little head, Kushina-chan." The Shinigami patted her on the head like one would an upset child, and surprisingly Kushina didn't object to the gesture.

"I am just scared, he always puts too much on himself, and this isn't healthy." The Shinigami sighed, never having been good at comforting distressed women.

"Well, on the bright side if Minato fails we won't really have much to worry about as the universe would eat itself, so either we have a happy ending or no ending at all! A good scenario, if I do say so myself." Kushina sent the Shinigami a withering glare. The Shinigami merely shrugged, unwilling to engage the woman in further banter.

Minato was intent on ending this battle with Bob for good, and such thoughts dominated his mind in the short trip through the realm portal.

Minato landed softly on the ground and looked around, unsure where his own portal had led him. The only thing he could see around him was sand, nothing but endless sand. Minato looked in the sky and noticed a very large sun hung overhead, its presence causing ripples in the air from the heat. Minato had never been a big fan of deserts, and this was about as desert as a realm could get.

Before Minato had time to adjust further to the heat a force knocked him back and he was treated to a mouthful of sand. Minato tried to get up but was held down and his face was buried into the sand. Despite knowing in the back of his mind that he couldn't die from the sand he had to actively fight off the natural panic of sand filling his lungs causing him to choke. With effort Minato flared his aura and reached a hand behind him and grabbed an arm that was holding him down and squeezed it as hard as he could. He heard a muffled scream as the pressure on the back of his head lifted immediately. Not wasting any time Minato whirled around and delivered a blind kick to where he assumed his attacker was. His instincts being correct, Bob did not have time to fully block the blow to the body and grunted as the side of his arm took the brunt of the impact. Normally Minato would pause for a moment to be snide to his opponent, but this battle had just begun, and Minato was not about to waste any time pressing his advantage.

In a whirl of yellow Minato disappeared from sight, his signature white cloak flapping in the wind as he got inside Bob's guard and delivered an uppercut to the pseudo-death god's chin. At least, he would have if not for the fact that Bob had raised his guard this time and countered with a punishing elbow into Minato's face. The force of the blow knocked Minato back and left him unprepared for the kunai that was thrown at him, which struck him in the arm that he had raised just in time to avoid it impaling his face. Before Minato had time to recover Bob had blitzed him and lowered his shoulder into his stomach and speared him into the hot desert sand. Bob rained down savage fists on Minato whose face was unused to such abuse. Bob swung too wildly attempting a left hook and Minato managed to land a chop to Bob's throat, which forced him to roll off of Minato.

Minato got to his feet and eyed Bob for a moment. Bob for his part was hunched over a few yards away from Minato staring intently at him. Without saying a word Bob materialized a sword from thin air and twirled it around in his hand for a moment. Minato stared at his hand for a moment and focused intently on giving himself a sword and after a moment one appeared to him as well. Another benefit of having godly powers, it seemed.

Before Minato could appreciate his newfound powers Bob was upon him using his sword to slash furiously at the former hokage. Minato deftly parried each slash, his skill as a swordsman more than match for Bob's abilities. Bob had enough force to cleave Minato in half if a clean blow ever landed, but given the simple techniques Bob was using that appeared to be unlikely to the extreme. For minutes this pattern continued, Bob's strokes becoming faster and faster trying to disarm, or better yet maim, Minato. Just when Minato was comfortable with counterattacking effectively, Bob showed his true skill.

A few moments before, the Shinigami and Kushina arrived after the Shinigami nearly got lost.

"Ah, see? That didn't take long at all, Kushina-chan." The Shinigami gloated at Kushina in the desert wasteland, simultaneously pointing out the clashing forms of Bob and Minato in the distance. Kushina started to walk forward as if to help but the Shinigami put a hand up and shook his head.

"You would be worse than useless down there, know your place." The Shinigami's words were harsh but Kushina did not react in an angry way, she merely sighed. Her gaze soon became transfixed on her husband and the former god of life as they did battle in the distance. The tremors from their swords slashing in the air and clashing with one another caused sandstorms to erupt all around them, often obscuring the view of the fight. After a few minutes the Shinigami tilted his head and sighed.

"Well, that's bad," the Shinigami said without elaborating further.

"Care to explain?" Kushina questioned worriedly.

The Shinigami never took his eyes off the battle as he explained. "Well, I have known Bob for quite a long time, and I know he has studied the martial arts further than most mortals could imagine. The level of swordsmanship he is currently displaying leads me to believe he is baiting Minato-kun into an unwise course of action." Kushina looked on, hoping that the Shinigami was just imagining such things.

It was rare indeed that Minato was so outclassed in swordsmanship that he could be baited into a bad course of action, but rare has to happen sometime, right?

Minato parried another strike and then lunged forward, confident in his course of action. A moment too late Minato realized that Bob was luring him into an unfavorable exchange. Minato did his best to pull up but he could not escape Bob's blade completely as it whipped forward like one would expect a snake to do, catching him in the cheek, giving him a very deep cut that almost struck bone. Minato teleported a few feet away to gain some distance from Bob, the first sign of retreat in their lengthy sword-duel to that point. Minato tensed as soon as he reappeared expecting Bob to press his advantage, but the assault never came to be. Bob just stood where he had been, looking at the blood on his sword and then back to Minato.

"Arrogance does not suit one such as you, Minato. What was that you said about doing onto me Chaos? By your own definition it would appear that this fight is following order to the tee. When I am done cutting you up and devouring the pieces, I think I'll eat your wife next, she seems yummy from this distance." Minato spared a quick glance over his shoulder to see his wife was observing the fight with a worried expression on her face. The next thing Minato knew he had been impaled by Bob's sword. Minato groaned in pain as Bob twisted the sword.

"You get distracted too easily, Minato. I grow tired of all of this sand; I believe it is my turn to decide the field of battle." Bob opened up a portal and with his sword still in Minato he shoved Minato through and entered right after him.

**To be Continued...**


	31. Beyond Imagination

A/N: The second half of the fight, this was originally one chapter but there was a problem loading for some people so I made this its own chapter, so some of you may have already read this!

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**Chapter 29: Beyond Imagination**

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The Shinigami had a thoughtful expression on his face as he stared at the portal that Bob had opened. Kushina noticed the look and commented on it.

"Something on your mind?" The Shinigami spared her a glance and nodded.

"Indeed, I just realized that Minato has yet to use any of the power that I have granted him. Minato is not one to hold back, so I wonder what my favorite hokage is plotting." With that said the Shinigami opened up a portal of his own and went through with Kushina hot on his heels.

Meanwhile, Minato was discovering that a change of scenery does not in fact remove objects that happen to be stuck inside of you at the time.

Minato rolled on the ground, taking the sword out of his chest as he did so, throwing it on the ground. That, to put it lightly, had hurt. He could feel the power that the Shinigami had given him boiling to the surface, itching to be used. Yet, something told Minato that it wasn't the time to use it yet. Although the powers were working in subtle ways, allowing him to keep up with Bob and healing the wounds that the crazed deity had been inflicting upon him, he could feel a vast well of power that was completely untapped, and frankly it scared the living daylights out of Minato. There was just too much power there to be used, his soul was still trying to adjust to it, and until it did Minato had a very bad feeling it would rip him apart if he tried to use it.

Bob stepped through the portal and spread his arms out wide.

"Welcome to the future, Minato!" Minato for the first time looked around and noticed that he was surrounded by impossibly tall buildings that reached heights far greater than even the hokage tower. Looking at the ground he noticed it was a sleek black color that gave him his reflection. Minato noticed that the sky was as black as he had ever seen; no moon or stars illuminated the night sky, the only light to be found were the hundreds of lights in the buildings that surrounded them.

"This is what life really is, Minato. Nothing but darkness with artificial light to guide mortals in your meaningless existence." As he said this light in the building behind him flickered out. "And slowly, all of these lights will go out leaving nothing but darkness, the reality that light, just like life, is only a temporary comfort. Are you afraid of the dark, Minato?"

"No, I can't say that I am." Minato took a deep breath, trying to calm the pulsating he could feel just beneath the surface. He had to stay steady and within his bounds if he had a chance of winning this fight, Bob was even more dangerous than he had realized not expected the rogue deity to outclass him

"You fought well versus me mortal, I am impressed. I could allow you to join me, you know. Nick wasn't cut out to be my judge of dead, but you certainly are. Just renounce your loyalties to the Shinigami and I will crush him under my foot, and that petty little contract that he has you bound to will go up in smoke, vanquished along with his powers. How does that sound to you?"

"I'll pass."

Not liking that response, Bob hands blurred into motion and a dragon made of lightning appeared behind him. With a flick of his wrist Bob set the dragon on Minato. The dragon moved quickly, but Minato was faster. Setting his hands into a single seal Minato pressed his hands onto the ground just before the dragon arrived, sending the black ground erupting upwards, erecting a wall that the dragon crashed into with thunderous force.

Minato waited until he could no longer feel the dragon's presence on the other side and made a few more hand seals which caused the wall to rush forward at Bob, threatening to crush the god. Bob however was equal to the task and ice shot out of his hands and encased the wall that was getting slower and slower until it reached a standstill a few feet away from him. Bob walked up to the now frozen wall and gently tapped it once with a finger, causing cracks to appear for a moment before it shattered apart, chunks of frozen ground suspended in midair. With another flick of the wrist Bob sent these flying at Minato at speeds that were too fast to counter with techniques. Minato flashed out of the way just before the chunks hit him and watched as they flew into the building behind him, exploding the glass windows into dust as they passed through them.

Minato created a ring of fire and it shot at Bob who moved to avoid it, but not nearly fast enough. The ring moved for his arm and Bob yanked it back but far too late as it enclosed his hand and tightened, causing him to yell in pain as the flames burned into his flesh. Minato did not waste any time in following up the assault going through several sets of complicated seals, each time spawning a twenty foot high tornado and forcing them forth, converging on Bob's position. Bob tried to flash away but could not. Bob looked down to see that the very ground itself had been uprooted to grab hold of one of his legs. Bob's head shot up to look at Minato who had one hand held in a seal and the other was furiously writing with what looked like his blood in the air created complicated seals.

"Bob," Minato shouted above the whirling tornados he had set forth, "You really should have done your research before you tried to get into a battle of jutsu with me! Wind Release: Guardian of the Wind!" Minato bellowed the name of his technique out and the tornados that he had unleashed converged into one another to create a towering Jinni with a hammer. Without wasting a second the Djinn turned to Bob and lifted its mighty hammer backwards.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Bob swore, mostly to himself.

The Djinn swung its mighty hammer made of wind straight into Bob who was flung back by the force and slammed wretchedly hard into the building behind him, heavily denting the steel he had landed against. All throughout his visage rips from the vicious wind could be found, and the god's black uniform was torn in several places, his thick black blood oozing out from his form. The mask he was wearing was cracked down the middle, although it clung to his face still. The Djinn reached its mighty hammer back to swing once more but Bob was prepared this time and had summoned to his side a Phoenix made of pure flame. The bird cried in fury and dove at the Djinn; the two summoned creatures were too preoccupied trying to savagely rip apart each other to be of much use to either of their masters beyond keeping the other creature at bay, much to Minato's chagrin. Bob was not finished, however, and summoned several balls of water and flung them at Minato who managed to avoid all but one, which was one too many. Minato was flung back into the previously broken windows of the building behind him and crashed into a desk hard, hitting his head at the same time. Minato closed his eyes on impact, a terrible pulsing sensation emitting from the back of his head. He reached a hand to the back of his head and felt a lot of blood back there. Even in the afterlife bleeding was not a good thing, souls could be destroyed just the same as mortal bodies if they took too much damage. Dazed as Minato was, he failed to notice that the water never spread out naturally but instead started to spread across his body. By the time he noticed something was wrong all of his limbs had been seized by the liquid and he could not move them. Minato struggled to get free as Bob slowly made his way into the building.

"Yes, how silly of me to get into a jutsu battle with the great Namikaze Minato, clearly my mistake," Bob jeered openly. Bob took the time to remove his now crumbling mask from his face and threw it to the side, revealing a carbon copy of Minato's own face with the exception of the pair of glowing red eyes. Bob bent down and punched Minato squarely in the nose, breaking it in the process. Then he punched it again. Then once more, this time with feeling. When Minato looked back up at Bob's face he could see the cracks starting to form on Bob's face and the skin was paling, looking sicklier by the moment.

Bob grabbed Minato by the hair and yanked him up, the water now having entombed all but Minato's head.

"So this is the end of the great hero, how sad. You could have been something great in this universe if you had followed me." Bob's hand began to glow as a ball of fire began to swirl in his hand until it became lava, liquid and condensed. Bob reared back his hand to deliver one last devastating punch when Minato reached through the water and grabbed Bob's arm in mid-motion. Bob let out a yell of surprise as Minato's other hand began to swirl with a vortex of wind.

"You talk too much, Bob." Minato slammed his wind elemental Rasengan into Bob's face and didn't stop until he had planted the deity into the ground, and still he was not satisfied, not stopping until the ground floor of the building had been cracked and Bob was buried a few feet down into it. Minato stumbled backwards, his eyes never leaving the hole in the ground that he had just created. After a few shaky steps Minato supported himself against a pillar in the far edge of the room. Minato looked a right mess; although the Shinigami's powers gave him a lot of healing, Bob had still done a number on his face, which was cut, stabbed, and broken in several places. Whatever that water had been had nearly broken his arms when he had overpowered it, too. Every bone in his body ached, but at least he would have time to heal.

Or so Minato thought, for no sooner had the thought crossed his mind did a dark energy begin to emit from the hole that Minato had created.

"I knew that was too easy," Minato muttered.

Bob levitated upward, the copy of Minato's body now contorted more to his liking. The skin was now too pale to be mistaken for anything that could live and breathe, and there were terrible lesions covering his entire body. The corruption that was present within Bob's soul shone through all too easily on a human body, a container that had no hope of keeping such evil chained within it for any period of time.

"Oblivion! Oblivion beckons you, failed judge of the dead! Its jaws know only your blood now!" Bob's earlier poetic descriptions of life and death seemed distant now that his madness had returned in full, his voice high-pitched and devoid of sanity.

Minato looked around at the small space and realized that he was not going to win a fight here; he had no want to get into a closed quarters battle against Bob. With a quick flash of his hands Minato opened a portal and dashed through it with Bob once again giving immediate chase.

The Shinigami and Kushina were once again late to the party as they entered the futuristic city, which was torn apart from various elemental attacks. In the distance Kushina saw a mighty Djinn fighting a Phoenix, neither one giving any ground as they tore into each other, both desperate to win. Kushina recognized the wind spirit right away, having seen Minato's technique in action a few times while still alive.

"That is one of Minato's seal techniques, and he doesn't bring that out for just any fight," Kushina explained for the Shinigami, who seemed particularly hypnotized by the fight.

"Indeed? I am not as interested in the specifics as the fact that they appear very evenly matched."

Keshena's face clouded over in confusion. "I don't understand why two different techniques being equal matter would?" The Shinigami cast his glance to Kushina in a way that made her feel very stupid.

"I suppose you wouldn't have a way to know this considering you are a newbie to this whole afterlife business, but in the afterlife things are pretty simple when it comes to beings in the afterlife battling. There is, most importantly, power. If you don't have the juice to back you up no matter what you do isn't going to matter much. There is sneakiness, there is trickery, but at the end of the day power can make those either lethal or a joke. Secondly however there is willpower, which while not as important as power will decide matches where power is unable to overwhelm the opponent. The two techniques employed over there," The Shinigami pointed a boney finger at the two elementals, "Are very advanced techniques that pour more than just power into them, but also willpower. In other words, even while Minato-kun and Bob are on some far off realm doing battle as we speak, their need to win this battle has become so great that the aspects they chose to unleash against each other fight desperately still to win for their master. This is not a battle that is going to end kindly, even for the winner, Kushina-chan." Kushina shuddered, feeling the truth of the Shinigami's statement reverberating in her soul.

As Kushina was reflecting on the Shinigami's words, Bob was looking at a place that was unfamiliar to him as he swept over it looking for where Minato was hiding.

"Oblivion cannot be hid from, MORTAL! Come let it destroy you. It is a better destruction than what awaits the ones you love, I assure you of that!"

From above him, Minato's voice rang out.

"I am not hiding Bob; I am just pondering your destruction." In a flash Minato appeared right in front of Bob and kneed him as hard as he could in the chin, sending Bob flying into a four story high stone statue, which cracked at its base where Bob landed.

Minato gently touched down on the water's surface, not a hair out of place on his head. He took a deep breath and looked up at his predecessor, the first Hokage of Konoha.

The powers that the Shinigami had given were starting to bubble to the surface, the temptation to use them now almost beyond Minato's control. This was his last trump card and he was unsure if it would be enough to defeat Bob. Speaking of that Bob, he had unstuck himself from the statue Minato had planted him in and was now walking across the water towards Minato. His aura flared and the daylight vanished from overhead, being replaced by a veil of darkness coming from Bob.

"This is your future, judge of the dead! Darkness! Darkness overwhelming!"

"Don't be so quick to judge the situation, Bob." As soon as Minato said this he freed himself from the burden of keeping the Shinigami's vast powers within him. His aura, which was naturally yellow just as it had been during his life, had become a pure white as it pierced through Bob's darkness before receding back into Minato, covering only his body like a chakra coat would. Bob snarled at his darkness being dispelled so easily and his hands blurred into motion once more. This time the water rumbled beside Minato and he had to sidestep as the water rushed out and formed a mighty dragon which began to pursue Minato as he dashed across the water at breakneck speeds. Minato reached the statue of Madara and hopped on it as the dragon pursued him out of the water. Minato reached Madara's waist and kicked off from there and whirled around to face the dragon. Setting his hands he focused and the wind around him began to swirl. With a feral grin on his face Minato spun rapidly and the wind around him went with him as he met the dragon midair. The dragon never stood a chance, being out of its element and was torn apart by the force of Minato's technique. Minato did not step at the dragon however as he spun into Bob. However, Bob was ready and flames shot out of the god's mouth causing Minato to catch fire, forcing him to retreat into the water to quell the flames.

As Minato emerged from the water he could feel the drain on the Shinigami's powers. They were never meant to be used in such a destructive fashion on such a high level, and he did not know how long he could keep his wounds being healed and his body from breaking apart along with using it for offensive abilities. Minato did not miss the fact that Bob had taken a similar amount of damage though, and given that the Shinigami said that their powers were equal it would stand to reason Bob was in a similar state.

If Bob was indeed in a similar state, he did not show it as he quickly rushed at Minato with his fist raised. Minato blocked the punch and sent a kick flying at Bob's head, but he quickly ducked beneath the leg and tried to deliver a knee to Minato's midsection, which was blocked by Minato's elbow.

The two high powered spirits went at it for several minutes in this fashion, neither one able to gain an advantage in melee combat, occasionally one of them would land a clean hit only to be countered when they tried to follow it up with a more deadly blow. There were all sorts of parries, counters, and blocks to be had, both combatants extremely skilled in hand to hand combat. Finally Minato landed a stiff kick to Bob's midsection and used the chance to take a few steps back and take a breath. They had been battling for hours now and the fatigue was catching up quickly with Minato.

Bob straightened up from the kick and shook his limbs loose. Although he was five ways to crazy, he understood what was happening to him as well. The vessel he was in was not only cracking because of the corruption he had introduced into it, but also because his godly powers were being pushed to their limits. Whatever Minato was doing was working well for him because Bob knew he could not continue this battle like he had.

"Time to end your misery, Minato!" Bob proclaimed and started to focus his energy into one final attack. Although Minato had been the one that invent the human form of it, the Rasengan, he had only invested it because he had seen the tailed beasts use their own technique, which was of course invented by Bob as he created the first tailed beast, even though Kyuubi had been his favorite once they had been split.

Minato recognized the swirling ball in Bob's hand as not his invention, but the one he had observed. He could feel all of Bob's power going into deceivingly small ball. This was going to be it; there was no holding back if he wanted to win. Minato's left hand began to glow as he began to pour his own energy into it. Everything he had was going to go in it, anything less would be certain destruction. The wind around both of them began to constrict, the stone statues began to crumble slowly as the force of the two techniques began to swell. The water they stood on became mist as the heat the two balls of energy were giving off was too much for the water to remain liquid. The elements of this realm were crying out against the sheer destructive force that they felt inside of them. This was going to be the end, there was no doubt.

Bob lunged first, his hateful aura collapsing into his ball as he went to pierce Minato's chest, an outcome that would obliterate Minato's soul into pieces. Minato, not even a second later, dashed forward himself with a speed that caught even him by surprise.

In the replica of the Valley of the End two titanic powers clashed, and when the two balls met they did not meet the body of the target, but each other. The effects of such a battle were immediate as the water steamed away in an instant, superheating and becoming nothing more than vapor. The stone statues which had so proudly anointed this area as sacred had become molten, the stone unable to resist the power that these two spirits put forth. The distant trees were razed, and the earth beneath them cried out as it split open, trying to relieve the pressure that was coming from above it.

Only seconds in to the clash and it was obvious that Bob was winning, his experience with his godly powers were giving him an advantage. His face clouded over with a look of the most sadistic kind of glee imaginable as the black ball he possessed in his hand inched its way to Minato's face, slowly but surely overpowering Minato's Rasengan.

"Be destroyed! Let nothingness take you!" Bob shouted the words with horrible happiness as a smile broke out on his face seeing the terrible strain that Minato was under.

They say that on the brink of death your life flashes before your eyes, but what happens after death? If, even after your life has faded, what if you had something more to lose? Souls do not expire naturally like lives do, but they can be destroyed, a more lasting death for a soul, you could say. It happens so rarely that no one has ever really pondered it, and maybe it was different for the ones that came before Minato, but in his last moments as he recognized himself being overpowered the only thing he could see were his failures. He had promised his wife a future together where they would know the peace that had eluded them during their childhoods, but they had both died too young. He had looked old man Sandaime in the eyes and promised him that he would be the hero that Konoha needed until he was as old and useless as him, but he had been forced to die young because of his arrogance. He had told Naruto that everything would be OK, that he wouldn't have to live the life of a martyr or of a beast, that he would be a hero. He had been wrong there too. Minato's eyes hardened as he looked into Bob's. For a moment Bob did not realize what the look in Minato's eyes signified, but then, with great and unabated terror, he did. Minato had unfinished business, Minato had failings he had to make right, and oblivion would not take him quite yet.

"I…refuse!" Minato said the words as loudly as he could, his will beginning to overtake Bob's. Minato's Rasengan began to pulsate as he fed it more energy, energy that was not meant to be taken from his soul.

"What are you doing? Your soul will destabilize if you do that!" Bob's shout were of pure fear, never could he have imagined that someone would rend their own soul for more power just to defeat him.

"Well, you are the one that told me to be destroyed, GIVE WORSE ADVICE NEXT TIME!" Minato shoved his arm forward right into Bob's chest, right past his own ball of energy and then a realm-shattering explosion took place throwing both of them back violently.

For a few moments nothing moved as the aftereffects of the explosion rocked the world they were on. Minato was slumped over, knocked out and unmoving. His arm that had held the Rasengan looked like shredded meat more than a human arm, and his complexion was pale. He looked like he was dying, except that he was already dead, so it couldn't be said for sure what exactly that meant.

Bob, on the other hand, was in literal pieces. His legs had been completely destroyed in the blast as well as a good portion of his midsection. However, unlike Minato, he was not knocked out; in fact he was not even remaining still. Bob crawled slowly to Minato, black blood draining out of his chest as he used one arm for support and the other to hold a kunai. He had won; all he needed to do was crawl over and claim his prize. He was only ten feet away and he did not trust himself to throw his only weapon remaining away. He was completely drained, that blast having severed not only his body but his connection to almost all of his godly powers. However, you didn't need powers to stab a man who was knocked out. Bob continued to crawl, inching closer to his prize, he was so close, one more agonizing crawl and he would stab Minato right in that smug face of his.

Before he could get there, however, a hissing sound rang throughout the air and before Bob could take the time to recognize the origin of the sound his head had been cut clean off of his shoulders and rolled on the waterbed of the lake that had once been there.

The mist slowly disappeared as Zabuza put his sword back on his back and looked down with a frown on his face at Minato. Zabuza was no expert, but Minato looked to be in a horrible state. Zabuza picked Minato's limp body off the ground and placed it over his shoulder. The swordsman spared a glance back down at the headless body of Bob and shook his head.

"So I came after Minato had defeated Bob just as he was passing out. Yeah, I think I can live with that story." Zabuza disappeared with a swirl of leaves, leaving nothing of value behind.

* * *

As you can see, I chose the options of fighting in multiple places as well as the valley of the end, as both ideas had occurred to me before I had put up my last chapter and I decided to roll with it.

I wanted to take the time to explain my use of the word "aura" in this chapter, as I confess I am unsure if I conveyed myself very well in that regard. What I was going for though was something similar to Naruto's Kyuubi mode where the red chakra was all around him, and I hope I conveyed that well.

I always get nervous when I don't use my humor because it does me so well, but I felt this fight was a long time coming. While this story is 95% humor I have been itching to put in a fight scene and this chapter kept getting bigger and bigger and I absolutely just refused to put a cliffhanger in again, I wanted this to be something different, and it turned out like that. I will always let my reviewers be the judge though, I am pleased with what I did, minor editing needs aside, and I hope you all enjoy it, and if you don't please tell me and we'll never speak of this again!

**Poll of the Chapter: What do you think about Minato's battle with Bob? Would you like to see more such battles spread throughout the fanfic at a later date (never replacing the humor, mind you) and who would you like to see from the living world next chapter? **

Thanks for reading.


	32. The Shinigami's Returning Fury

**A/N: **Hey again everyone. I hope that the second month of the year is treating you well, this update was made mostly over a couple of days where I didn't have internet after I moved into my new house, which is very cozy if anyone actually cares. I really struggled with the last couple of scenes of this chapter not because of a lack of vision but because I just couldn't put the words down onto my computer.

This chapter is the start of a 2-3 chapter flashback of when Minato is knocked out. The start is the furthest point in the timeline until probably chapter 32 or 33 if I have my storyboard written out right. By storyboard I mean a ton of random jokes and me guessing how many words they will be.

A lot of this chapter came about after I re-read my own older chapters to get a sense of the changing face of my fanfic, and how I could improve it. Something that stuck out to me as a point of concern was the Shinigami. I grew concerned for the evil bastard, and so I have given him a renewed sense of purpose and vigor, and I think people are going to like the direction I take him going forward.

Reviewer responses!

"question": The story is shortly after the time period where Sasuke overtook Orochimaru, saying any more than that would spoil next chapter.

"FanfictionPen": While Naruto himself does not feature much in the story Minato's inspiration to do the work he does daily is because of Naruto, and so I felt it appropriate.

"Dragon Man 180": I have some vacation time planned for Minato eventually.

To five different people: Yes, Zabuza is awesome, admit, you forgot about him!

* * *

**Chapter 30: The Shinigami's Returning Fury**

* * *

**In a Hospital Room**

Minato's eyes opened and in that moment he realized he must have won his battle with Bob. Then, in the very next moment, he sincerely regretted winning as the pain coming from the very depths of his soul rose up to overtake his senses.

"Ugh," Minato moaned pitifully as he could feel something cold and terrible deep within him. It was a sensation he had only felt once before. Minato recalled the feeling of the Shinigami running his sword through his stomach as he sealed the Nine-tailed fox inside of his son; the cold, terrible feeling of death taking away the warmth of life. Minato shuddered as the chill that came over him worsened and he screwed his eyes shut, trying desperately to block out the pain.

"Minato!" Kushina shouted as she entered the room to find her husband awake, which caught her by surprise. It had only been a week since Zabuza had brought Minato back from his battle with Bob and they hadn't expected him to awake so soon. As Zabuza described it he found Minato lying on the ground motionless and Bob torn to pieces, as close to an equal exchange as possible short of the blonde joining Bob in oblivion.

Kushina sat down on the bed next to Minato and looked him over with a look of worry in her eyes. It did not take an expert to realize that Minato was in a great deal of pain. His brow was knitted and he was shivering, not responding to his wife. She put a hand on his cheek and rubbed it gently, her concern written all over her face. The Shinigami had been right; this looked terrible. Minato was clearly awake but he could not feel Kushina there with him, his soul fighting to overcome the damage he had inflicted on it.

Although Minato had only been unconscious for a week, a lot had happened in that time.

* * *

**The White Space, a week earlier  
**

When Zabuza entered the white space Kushina ran over to her husband with tears in her eyes, unable to trust her own sight. She had never seen Minato in such a bad state before, in their lifetime or the next.

Zabuza gently laid Minato down on the floor with a grim expression on his face.

"I got there as soon as I could; Minato is nothing if not predictable in where he chooses to fight his battles. If you think Minato is bad you should have seen what Bob looked like when I got there; he was in pieces. Minato worked him over real well." Zabuza looked up for the first time, having been staring at Minato, to see the Shinigami giving him a piercing stare. Zabuza wilted slightly under the hard gaze, almost positive that the Shinigami knew that there was something ever so slightly off about the brief report he had just received. If that was the case, however, the Shinigami deemed it unimportant because he did not bring it up.

"A job well done indeed, Zabuza-kun," The Shinigami murmured. "Since Bob's defeat I have slowly regained some of my own strength. It is, of course, safe to say that Minato used every last drop of my power in defeating Bob and then some, so I suppose I don't have to rend his soul from existence to get some of my powers back." Kushina and Zabuza gave him twin looks of horror which caused him to produce a smile for them. Sadly, this didn't exactly comfort them on whether he had been joking.

"Right then, this whole affair has gone rather well—"The Shinigami stopped mid-sentence and tilted his head to the side as he became fixated on Minato for the first time since the former Hokage had been laid on the floor.

"What's got you looking so worried? He just needs some rest—"

"-Be silent, mortal." Zabuza had been trying to reassure Kushina but the Shinigami sounded deathly serious. In a shocking development, when the god of death is _deathly_ serious that usually means something bad is going on.

The hair on the back of Zabuza's neck was standing up and he could feel the ominous presence around the Shinigami. It was a rare day when he started to throw out monikers like "mortal", and when he did it was best for all involved if they just kept their head down and remembered their place: Far below the status of "god" that the Shinigami had enjoyed for countless eons. For those around Minato it became easy to associate the Shinigami's easy going attitude around the blonde as his general mood, but this was far from the norm. The Shinigami had over the years grown very fond of his minion, a fact that was obvious to see, so he was generally much friendlier and good natured when chatting Minato up. In truth, the Shinigami had little love for most mortals, correctly seeing that many were well below the high standards set by the fourth Hokage.

Ninjas often measure their elite by talking about how they are a once in a generation prodigy, and if we were to relate ninja skill to the Shinigami's respect, Minato would be a once in a millennia type of man. Although the Shinigami would need to be hard pressed to admit it, he was fiercely protective of Minato not just out of his due respect towards the man who had served him faithfully for all of these years, but also because he had major plans for the man; plans that were now in jeopardy.

In an action that seemed far too humane for the type of deity that the Shinigami was, capable of a cruelty that few beings could comprehend, the Shinigami placed his boney hand on Minato's head and ruffled his hair affectionately.

The Shinigami spoke, "Minato-kun does not know how to do anything less than the extraordinary, and yet as a god who has observed him for nearly every day for years, who has the ability to view any point of his life at my discretion, I am still surprised. I am not sure if this is a showing of my own incompetence or if Minato is simply that unpredictable." The Shinigami's tone held an emotion within it that neither Kushina nor Zabuza could quite decipher.

After a long moment Kushina spoke. "Shinigami-sama, what are you talking about?" The Shinigami looked up from Minato and Kushina almost took a step back in horror. The Shinigami's face was oozing black blood and had several deep gashes in it.

"As you can no doubt see I am looking not quite up to my usual handsome standards. I am using some of my newly regrown powers to treat Minato's condition. The outer wounds will heal in time, like you would expect them to in a normal human body. The gashes on his face, even his arm which is nearly useless will regrow and heal in time. The problem comes from what you are unable to see. Minato did something that never would even occur to me to do, an act as foolish as it was brave. He used his soul, the essence of the spirit which binds the consciousness to existence, to fuel his victory." Kushina gasped and Zabuza's mouth fell open; their shock was palpable.

"I-I didn't even know that was possible," Kushina said while tears fell down her face.

"To be fair it isn't supposed to be," the Shinigami said.

"Impossible, Minato, pick one." The Shinigami raised an eyebrow at Zabuza's blasé comment. The swordsman just shrugged his shoulders.

"Trite, but in this case accurate I suppose. Repairing the damage to his soul is very taxing and as you can see it alters my physical condition. Don't fret about me though; I wouldn't do anything to put myself in any danger. I believe I have stabilized Minato's spirit. Ah, actually, I have something that might help the process along." The Shinigami reached into his robe and took out the object that he had removed from Minato before the man went to battle Bob: his heart.

"This should be helpful." The Shinigami took the heart and shoved it into Minato's chest. Minato's body twitched for a moment and then went still once more.

"Kushina-chan, you are in charge of a children's ward, yes?" The Shinigami asked.

"That's right," Kushina responded.

"You should take Minato-kun there and find him a nice warm bed; he is going to be in a sort of coma for at least several days. You should make him comfortable. I have business to attend to. I assume you can handle a few dead souls while Minato rests, right Zabuza?" Zabuza recognized the rhetorical question for what it was and merely nodded his agreement.

"Good, then I will be on my way. Try not to get into too much trouble." With a cheeky wave the Shinigami disappeared from sight.

* * *

**The Sandaime's Training Center**

Sarutobi pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked at his student. No wonder he was beaten by a fledgling Uchiha avenger: Orochimaru had forgotten every sense of the basics that his teacher had ever instilled into him.

The sannin was currently faced down in a pit of mud after Sarutobi had thrown a rock at his knee to disrupt his concentration. Mud was a particularly hard substance to stand on top of because unlike water it was never self-consistent, and this required perfect chakra control. Something Orochimaru used to have before he mutilated his body and started to do bad things to little boys.

"Orochimaru, that was a rather pathetic effort if I do say so myself. Back in my day I had two Hokages throwing sharpened spears at my body and I still managed to keep on top of the mud for an entire day! And it was only so short a time period because a hot blonde walked by our training area and distracted me! If you would like the same excuse, I could see what Minato is up to and have him volunteer for the position of "Orochimaru's excuse to be a terrible ninja", would you like that, Orochimaru-kun?" Orochimaru shuddered, liking the idea but knowing better than to voice that particular thought out loud. He had forgotten just how harsh his master could be when he was angry, and the Sandaime Hokage was currently very angry. They had been training ever since Orochimaru had died and the current progress in his training did not please his master at all. Sarutobi waited for a moment to see if Orochimaru would respond to his question and after seeing that no comment was forthcoming he nodded his head and walked onto the mud towards Orochimaru. He bent down and grabbed Orochimaru by the scruff of his neck and literally threw him off the mud into a standing position.

"Do you remember the conversation we had right before I sealed your arms into the Shinigami? About how I was a disgrace to my former self because I had grown old?"

"Y-yes." Orochimaru didn't think it was going to be acceptable this time for him to remain silent or to lie, so he had just been honest, a rare event for him.

"Well you see, Orochimaru-kun, I had the great excuse of growing old; it is a natural occurrence among humans. Our bodies age, and with age they eventually weaken. However, as you can see, the will of fire kept my spirit strong for the afterlife. The searing flames burned away all of the decay of my skills and here I am, as I once was once more: The God of all shinobi. I must confess, my wayward student, it feels incredibly good. Even at your best, even with all of your experiments, all of your twisting at the fabric of mortality, do you believe you could ever compare to me?" Orochimaru looked at his master and the answer was obvious. Before him stood the greatest ninja he had ever known, his confidence almost radiating off of him.

"No master, I know you are a greater ninja than I could ever be." Sarutobi sighed and took out a pipe and lit with a simple fire technique. He inhaled it deeply and exhaled smoke as he looked down at his cowering student who was barely managing to control himself enough to stand on top of the mud. Sarutobi smiled for a moment before he, quite suddenly, shoved Orochimaru to the side, which caused the pale man's control to break. After a moment of trying to balance himself, and failing, Orochimaru fell into the mud, getting it all over his face and clothes once again.

"What did I do wrong that time, master?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing, I just felt like shoving you into the mud. It is what you get for attacking Konoha, insolent boy." Orochimaru sighed, knowing this was just the start of his punishment.

"Oh, and Orochimaru?"

"Y-yes?"

"If you fall into the mud again I am going to break several canes on your back."

And people wondered why Orochimaru had wanted to live forever?

* * *

**A very long hallway**

The Shinigami walked one of the many near-endless halls of the afterlife. He glanced behind him for a moment to ensure that he was alone and then he fell into a wall, slumping down. It was the first time that he had been unable to support the weight of his troubles physically in a long time. He was very frightened. He had faced the end of his own existence a few times, and sinking into nothingness did not bother him. However, change was another beast entirely. The thought that as old as he was he could still be shaped by one mere mortal was beyond the realm of troubling. The Shinigami was worried not for a minion, but for a friend.

This terrible feeling tugging at him was precisely the reason he did not advocate such things as friendship, empathy, or even interest in mortals. Even the best of them had a way of squirming their way into your mind and eventually breaking your heart, even if that heart hadn't been used in nearly forever. The Shinigami still had trouble believing the fact that Minato had used part of his soul as energy to defeat Bob. Only one in a million would have even thought of such an idea, to actually do it under such short notice was so astronomically unlikely that…

…

The Shinigami removed himself from the wall and straightened himself up. A horror overtaking him, gripping him in a way he could not have possibly imagined. It was not some reckless act that Minato had committed; he had _planned_ everything. No, that wasn't quite right; Minato couldn't be given that much credit. But he had planned a scenario where his own powers wouldn't be enough for him to prevail over an opponent, so he had devised a way to transfer his soul into a usable energy. In that moment the Shinigami could not handle it anymore and did the one thing he had not done in a very long time. He laughed, a full and throaty laughter. His amusement echoed through the empty hallway as he began to talk to himself.

"Remembering the man I am thinking of makes it hard for me to be sad for him; the only thing that man knows how to do better than be extraordinary is to not go away quietly into the night. To think that one such as he would disappear from existence while sleeping his last moments away is so incomprehensible that I should torture myself just for being that stupid." The Shinigami paused here for a moment and took out a notepad and scribbled on it.

"Note to self: Get a new torture target, starting to think torturing self is a good idea: It is not."

The Shinigami started to walk down the long hallway once again, this time his head filled with memories.

* * *

It was roughly fifteen years in the past when the Shinigami had first met Namikaze Minato, an event he was sure at the time would be boring.

The Shinigami sat in the Break Room of the DAMNED sipping on some coffee and generally enjoying his day. He wished there would be a bit more death and slaughter to be wrought, but at present he had it all under control with a few flicks of his wrists; controlling his scythe from very far away was a trick he had learned a long time ago to maximize the amount of laziness he could get away with. Just as the Shinigami thought he could get away with a perfectly pleasant evening his eternal rival, Bob, entered the break room humming a merry tune. The Shinigami groaned, never liking it when the god of life was cheerful. Check that: he didn't like it when anyone was cheerful, this was just a little bit worse.

"Ah, good evening Shinigami-kun, it is such a pleasure to see you. I daresay that our meeting shall be fleeting, as the Kyuubi is currently delivering a beating!" Bob giggled at his own self-impressive ability to rhyme words together. Although the Shinigami usually did his best to block out whatever words the god of life spewed out of his mouth, in this case he had said something that needed to be heeded.

"Did you say that the Kyuubi was released?" Bob nodded at the question, all-too-happy to deliver the news.

"Indeed! Right in the middle of the largest village in the world no less. I should say that you are going to be quite busy quite soon! You should get on that, the break room is reserved for people who are on break, is it not?" The Shinigami quirked an eyebrow at Bob's tone. For a deity that delivered unto an entire world nothing but life he sure got bloodthirsty whenever the largest of the tailed beasts was brought up. Sadly though, he was correct about the break room.

"Indeed, thank you for the courtesy of informing me." Bob seemed to miss that the Shinigami was not being sincere and merely smiled at him and waved him off.

In an instant the Shinigami was in the mortal world, surrounded by falling buildings, raging fires, and bodies thrown everywhere. The Shinigami took it all in with a smile on his face as he began to walk through some rubble, swinging his scythe wildly, all the time gathering up souls from the bodies of the dead. It had been awhile since he had been required to get out of his break room to reap dead souls. While he did enjoy all of his breaks, sometimes it was simply necessary to get out and stretch the good ole scythe personally. The Shinigami was in mid-swing when a pulse rippled through his soul. He felt a low hum in his ears that was mildly painful, and pain did not come easily to the Shinigami. He tried to regain his focus but was unable to as he realized a force was drawing him someplace, and he was helpless to resist it.

The Shinigami ambled through the wreckage of Konoha, the force driving him more and more the closer he came to its origin. After a few minutes of stumbling the Shinigami could see what was pulling him with such interest. A man stood in front of the nine-tailed fox writing several complex seals in his own blood, a look of defiance written on his face as he stared at the beast made of chakra. The Shinigami blinked for a moment, honestly surprised. He had never imagined that a mortal might have the audacity, or the skill for that matter, to summon him to their side; but clearly this was what had just happened.

The Shinigami glared at the man who could not see him, not liking being summoned without his permission, especially by a mere mortal. A mortal's spirit was nothing, quite literally insignificant in comparison to his own, yet here he was thinking he was calling the shots. The Shinigami took a look at his surroundings and started to take notice of the technique that the blonde man was using. The Shinigami was intensely familiar with chakra signatures and he had seen this type before, although only a few times in his long history. The man was basically dangling his soul with a very large mark on it, begging for it to be taken. The Shinigami examined the seals closely and his face contorted in surprise. He wasn't giving up his soul for the fun of it, he was going to take the Kyuubi down with him.

_So I get the soul of a powerful mortal as well as the chance to cause Bob near endless misery? Being evil so pays off._

The Shinigami took out his stabbing knife of great stabification and prepared to begin the ritual when the blonde turned around and began to speak to a red-headed woman in an encouraging tone. The Shinigami, for reasons unknown to him, hesitated for a moment, giving the man time to say a few words to the woman. The Shinigami mused that the looks of pain on both of their faces probably stayed his blade for a moment, the satisfaction of watching the human condition come to an end never got old. At least, that is what he told himself. After a moment the Shinigami took his place behind Minato and stabbed him straight through his stomach, not merely wounding the body, but also rupturing the soul from him as well. The Shinigami was more than glad to assist in the sealing of half of the Kyuubi into the baby that was wailing on the ground as he enjoyed himself a nice meal in the Kyuubi and Minato's soul. With that task complete, the Shinigami took out his scythe and killed Kushina as well as Minato. His duty in Konoha finished for the day, The Shinigami left the ruined village.

It was not long before the Shinigami realized there was a problem in his meal. At first, he thought that the half of Kyuubi he has consumed was going to kick around a little too hard, but soon realized that it was his other meal that was upsetting his stomach. With much regret the Shinigami was forced to let Minato out of his stomach inside of the white space.

"I do not like throwing up my dinner, Hokage-kun. If you would be so kind to explain why I had trouble digesting you that would be simply… fantastic." The Shinigami waited a moment for a response that was not forthcoming. The god spared a glance at the newly dead man to find that his eyes were glazed over and the faint muttering of "cold" could be heard escaping his mouth. The Shinigami rolled his eyes, having forgotten that mortals were a bunch of prissy little girls when it came to cutting up parts of their soul. The Shinigami smacked the man upside the head which got the response he was looking for. Minato looked up at him, his mind cleared from the fog of death.

"Where is my wife, Kushina?" The question came out as barely a whisper, the man unused to using his soul to speak. The Shinigami's eye began to twitch. He had never been a fan of people not answering his questions.

"That doesn't matter right now. I asked you a question, mortal, and I expect an answer. Why did you eject from my stomach?" Minato looked blankly at the Shinigami for a moment, not quite comprehending the situation. After a long moment a spark of recognition seemed to alight within Minato's eyes and he became much more lucid. "I honestly have no idea," Minato said simply. After a moment Minato followed up with a question, "Where is my wife?" The Shinigami sighed, angry at the man. He did not like it when people simply didn't answer his questions; he loathed it when they had the audacity to ask questions of their own.

"You are never going to see your wife again, so how about you just get over it pretty boy?" As soon as the words had left his mouth the Shinigami immediately wished to take them back. Minato's hand had managed to clasp around the Shinigami's throat with so much power that the Shinigami feared for a brief moment that this mortal was going to be the end of him. The Shinigami looked into Minato's eyes and nothing back but death. If he was fine with calling himself the God of Death, this man was surely destined to be something even greater than a god in the field. Minato's eyes never left the Shinigami, not even after his grip has loosened completely and his consciousness had faded. His eyes remained opened, staring with evil intent right into the Shinigami's. The Shinigami grunted; a noise he would deny ever making if ever asked, and pushed Minato's body to the ground before brushing himself off. Mortal souls sullied his robes unnecessarily. The Shinigami rubbed his neck and had to fight off a wince, his essence being ever so slightly damaged by the blindside attack.

The Shinigami took out his knife and decided that he was going to enjoy having to cut this soul into pieces in order to chew it. The Shinigami drew his hand back and was about to thrust it into Minato's face when he suddenly screamed in rage and threw his knife to the side.

"Too fucking useful! I could use a soul like this, but he dared to put his hands on me! So ungrateful after I helped him save his worthless village, I should unleash a plague just because I can." The Shinigami stared at Minato and sighed, his anger fading as the cogs of deceit and deviousness turned faster and faster in his mind. Then the Shinigami smiled. Oh yes, he had a great idea for the pipsqueak, a great idea indeed.

* * *

The Shinigami continued to walk down the hall, his mind focused for the first time in a very long time. He had gone soft and it was time for that to change. The Shinigami had been growing too lenient with mortals, a bad influence due to Minato. While he was not going to stop liking his pet Hokage, he needed to keep a more firm grasp on the title of Death. It was, after all, his weakness that allowed Bob to usurp some of his powers. No longer would that be the case.

Death stepped through a door way into the mortal world and gazed upon his new torment target.

Uchiha Madara was about to find out that the wheel of doom gets everybody in the end.

_Everybody._

Well, except Daniel Bearrow. That guy was a slippery bastard even for Death.

But, with that aside.

_Everybody._

* * *

A/N: As usual I have a slightly different style with how I write and format this chapter, be sure to leave a note if you ever bother to read these and tell me what you think about how I formatted the chapter. I am really pleased with my idea to have Madara's talents be matched up against the Shinigami, I think the character has suffered quite a bit since he lost his last play toy, Orochimaru.

Next chapter I want to include a scene for either Hinata, Sakura, Temari, or Anko. Note that this scene is going to be a humorous scene and as always I tend to not advocate any one pairing for Naruto, so please keep that in mind while voting.

Disclosing my own personal goal for the year, I want to see fifteen hundred reviews by the year's end, which means I am probably going to need to make it to chapter 40 before the year's end. Personally speaking, I think every one of my readers would be tickled pink if I somehow managed to churn out a chapter a month for an entire year given my usual update schedule. Well, either way, happy reading!

- Chris


	33. You Almost Feel Sorry for Him

Notes now at the bottom.

**Chapter 31: You Almost Feel Sorry for Him**

**

* * *

**

Uchiha Madara sat at one of his many workbenches and looked over several of his projects. Business had been good lately. The Akatsuki had more money than ever, more influence than ever, and, with the deaths of several of his more lackluster employees(1), he didn't have to listen to as many entitled brats talk about their opinions as if anyone cared what they thought. He would be more impressed with so-called S-class ninja if not for the fact that he was fairly sure he could kill them all in under a minute while throwing darts at a picture of the Fourth Hokage and whistling a show tune. The only exceptions to this were Pain and Itachi. To be fair though Pain barely spoke and thus was constantly in Madara's good graces. On the other hand, Itachi was going to be dead in a ditch somewhere as soon as Madara could arrange it so he didn't feel the need to include those two in any "kill them all" scenarios. Madara sighed softly, wistful for the good ole days where he could just say "I am Uchiha Madara, shut up" and no one spoke. Well, one time someone spoke.

A man had jumped up as soon as Madara had issued the order and began to yell.

"How dare you speak to me, a man of nobility like that! I ought to bring you forth to my council and have you stripped of your rights!"

Madara tilted his head. "Is that so?"

"Yeah, that's right-" The man's mouth had quickly been impaled by a perfectly thrown kunai that had split the open mouth evenly. Madara's arm remained extended as he looked at the remainder of the people, and wondered if anyone else would have a problem keeping quiet. In a stunning turn of events, no one did.

Present day Madara grabbed for a small book and an ink set and began to write about his day.

_Dear diary,_

_This week was an amusing one for both myself and my organization. I had the chance to watch someone die, and while it was regrettable that I was not the cause of this death, I had a good chuckle watching the tears the newly orphaned child rained down on his mother's corpse. Speaking of people dying, I had the chance to dump some dead weight as Deidara blew himself up, although most amusing of all is that he thought he was going to take his precious partner, me, with him. I could literally go senile and still have enough command of space/time jutsu to escape such a pathetic blast. Although I suppose it is regrettable to lose such a talented explosions expert, it fits perfectly with my goals for young Sasuke. The experience will do the boy good especially with my plans for him to kill his brother very soon. I don't know why I always came up with all of those complicated plans. It is such a great stress reliever to simply manipulate angst ridden teenagers to unwittingly do the bidding that I couldn't get some of the best criminal minds in the world to accomplish for a decade._

Madara put his diary to the side and began work on his next idea: Self-cloning cookies. He figured that after the world was his he would need to keep himself happy. Otherwise who knew what terrible things would happen, and the only thing that made him happy these days was killing people, manipulating people in one of his many masterful plots, and a good cookie. The problem would be that when he ruled the world there would be no one(2) to kill, no one to manipulate, and he damn sure couldn't cook a delicious cookie. He had thought that the Sharingan could copy cooking skills, but oh how wrong he had been...

As he began to shuffle through his notes on cookie-cloning Madara got a sudden chill up his spine causing him to glance over his shoulder. However, there was nothing unfamiliar behind him, and nothing was out of place. His eye darted back and forth for a moment, but he was unable to shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. He chalked it up to his usual healthy(3) paranoia and went back to work.

What he could not see was about to hurt him. A lot.

The Shinigami sipped on his tea while he watched Madara toil at some random project. He always did enjoy a nice tea before he got down to business. After taking a look at what Madara was working on, he couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped him.

_Cookies, huh? It really does show the sad state of evil in the mortal world when the person who is closest to crumbling society has the free time to think about cookies of all things._

Madara was going to suffer, and suffer plenty. The arrogant leader of Akatsuki, the founder of the Uchiha clan, and all around S-Ranked douchebag had lived far too long. He had found method after method of escaping death while preserving himself decade after decade in the hopes of outliving every rival who could oppose him. So far the man had burned through four Hokage and was working on the fifth. While the Shinigami could not technically kill him, the universe was big on "everyone had their time" and everything, the God of Death could make his life more difficult.

With that thought the Shinigami turned his head to the side to look upon his latest idea: The Wheel of Suffering. Okay, so perhaps the idea was not _new_ by any stretch of the imagination, but it had been awhile since he had used his own wheel. While the Wheel of Doom 4.0 had been a wonderful gift by Kami, it just lacked that certain quality that all of the Shinigami's custom made wheels had: Inventive bastardry. While Kami was all knowing and all powerful, supposedly, she just didn't have the creative mind of the Shinigami. It also didn't hurt that Minato had helped with a few of these, although he did not know for whom the bell tolled.

The Shinigami admired his wheel for a moment longer before gently placing a bony finger on a random spot and casually flicking it. The action had the immediate effect of causing the wheel to spin rapidly. Spin it did, going around and around, where it would stop, nobody knows! The Shinigami's eyes followed the wheel as it turned around and around until finally it began to slow down and then stopped altogether. The Shinigami's eyes lit up and he clapped his hands together in delight.

_Poke an eye out with a needle_. This new wheel was certainly off to a good start.

The Shinigami took out a six-inch needle and casually walked up to Madara. Without any preamble the Shinigami stuck the needle into Madara's eye. The reaction amused the Shinigami greatly: Madara had began to scream in agony. That would have been enough to amuse the Shinigami, but Madara was so kind as to throw off his mask and clutch the bleeding eye while doing so.

Madara tried desperately to stop the blood loss, but found that he could not do so without the aid of a fire technique. Madara took a deep breath to calm himself and proceeded to plunge his right hand, consumed by fire, into the eye socket. After a few more moments of screaming and another sip of tea by the Shinigami, Madara removed his hand from the eye and sighed in relief. Until the eye began bleeding again, that is. The continued blood loss caused Madara to shout in fury as he tried to think of a way not to bleed out and die by his eye mysteriously popping.

The Shinigami looked down at the needle and smiled. Whoever had thought of the idea to enchant this needle with a genjutsu to make the victim believe that they were continuously bleeding from wherever it had stabbed them was a certified genius. Oh, right, that had been the Shinigami himself. What a smart bastard.

While the Shinigami watched he tapped the wheel again and it began to spin, although he paid it little attention for the time being.

Madara, blind for the moment, started to walk towards his fridge to grab a spare eyeball. He had always known that keeping them on hand would have some benefit. Although, not to give Madara too much credit, most of that thinking had to do with blowing out his own eyes torturing people for fun and not having an eyeball explode randomly.

The Shinigami walked step for step with his target all the while gazing at him with malicious glee.

Madara was walking carefully because he was aware that the blood loss at this point should have been having more of an effect on his coordination by now. Madara chalked that up to his body not having bled in fifteen years and pushed the thought aside. After a few moments Madara reached his fridge and opened the door.

The Shinigami's attention was called away from the sight by the sound of the Wheel of Suffering slowly coming to a stop. The Shinigami read the descriptor on the particular slot that the wheel had landed on and smiled.

For those with either memory problems, recent severe head trauma, or those that _really_ insist on not playing the home game of this story whenever the Shinigami smiled there was one golden rule: Bad things were about to happen to someone.

The Shinigami stuck his hand into his robe and whistled an idle tune as he tried to find what he was looking for in there. After a moment he brought out an object that roughly resembled a baseball bat of another mortal world. The Shinigami stretched his arms out and took a few practice swings as he watched Madara take out a jar from the fridge and placed it down on a tabletop in front of him.

"Okay, Madara, just keep it together. You always said you could do this process blind. This won't be a problem…"

Since Madara had already been reduced to muttering to himself by one spin of the wheel, the Shinigami had high hopes for what was going to happen after the second.

Speaking of the wheel, it had ceased all motion and the selection of suffering was highlighted in a pale blue light.

_Break a kneecap_.

The Shinigami swung his weapon with all the might he could muster. The next moment Madara Uchiha, self-proclaimed king of the world and greatest ninja to have ever lived, was on the ground crying like a little girl.

_'Oh yes'_, the Shinigami thought. _'This is the start of a beautiful relationship.'_

If Madara had any idea what was happening he probably would have disagreed with the Shinigami there.

* * *

Zabuza threw an M&M into his mouth and smiled as he chewed on it. Today was a good day. He had the gratification of knowing that he had saved Minato's ass in his fight with Bob, and he had the chance to once again be the temporary judge of the dead. It wasn't an easy or fun job, but it did give him a certain amount of credibility in the afterlife. No one turned down someone to a poker game if that person had the chance to judge dead souls. Who knew when someone would come up for re-judgment? Well, actually that is something that a few people knew: Never. However, the people at the local poker game didn't have the first clue on how judgments worked aside from their own encounters with the judge at the time, and let's just say that the judge before Minato wasn't the most helpful person to have ever existed.

Those were different times in the afterlife, and the Shinigami preferred to remember there not being one. He had not liked the woman to start because he had not assigned her to the position; it was a direct appointment from the powers that be.

The woman's name was Jill, and she did not enjoy the same great relationship that Minato had with the Shinigami.

"I don't have a vested interest in how mortals are handled, and I am never one to turn down a chance for some terribly hilarious pain, but shouldn't you do your, what is the word I am looking for here… ah yes, job?" The Shinigami's tone was snide and displeased, while the person who had the displeasure of having the Shinigami displeased with her did not look at all bothered.

"I do my job quite well thank you very much. I see nothing that states that I have a responsibility to inform lowly mortals why I make the judgments that I make, or where they are going to be sent before I send them there. These… _people_, have barely begun their true lives and they are nothing but babies compared to the likes of us. I think my time would be better suited polishing my nails or theorizing how you ever got into the position of Death. Your soft hearted nature is criminal for the work that you have to do, and one day I am sure someone is going to take the job from you. I must confess, I am hopeful that it is me."

The Shinigami had to fight back a grimace at how blunt the woman could be at times. She saw through him in a way that many, even his often absent superiors, could not. He would not characterize his personality towards mortals as soft hearted, but merely endlessly amused by the mortal condition. They had a variety that deities and those who served deities could not fathom without being around them on a daily basis. Fate thought she was tough shit, and she was, but even her vast powers could not fully encompass the scary will of humans. She could bend them, but at their strongest she could not break them, and that was interesting to the Shinigami. It did not stop him from doing his job, or even doing terrible and torturous actions towards humans, but anything that held his interest was worth fighting for, even if it was just to stick it to the current judge of the dead.

"I know you come highly recommended to the job, but it would not be a wise idea to underestimate me. If there is a way to unseat you, I assure you, I will find it."

Jill merely smirked at what she believed to be a very empty threat. "Dream on, Shinigami-san."

The end of that tale, however, is for another day.

Zabuza could have, and maybe even would have, kept up his eating of candy all day if he had not been interrupted. Zabuza sighed at the blinking queue button and quickly pressed it, because he knew that he had to actually judge souls to be called the judge of the dead. He had judged a lot people already in Minato's absence, Kushina having done the bulk of the work the first few days that Minato was lying comatose in one of the beds in her hospital. Zabuza expected to have another easy judgment in the same vein as the others. Of course, Zabuza rarely got what he expected in life so why should it be any different in the White Space?

The man stepped into the endless room and looked around for a brief moment before letting out a derisive snort.

"This place has no artistry to it, hm." Deidara took off his red and black cloak and folded it neatly in two and slung it over his shoulder as he further inspected the white space in hopes of seeing something to redeem it. After a moment he finally spotted Zabuza staring intently at him from behind a desk.

"This desk is a piece of trash, hm. Whoever designed that has no sense of art whatsoever, what a waste, hm." Deidara walked over to the desk and placed a hand on it and gently caressed the surface to the edge.

"There was no thought put into this desk, no love, hm. I guess I could make it art, hm." A moment later the desk had exploded and Zabuza had barely teleported a dozen feet backwards in time to avoid being caught in the explosion.

"Let me guess; you are Deidara, right?" Zabuza's question was half sarcastic and half rhetorical as Deidara gave him a lopsided smile showing he was always glad to be recognized.

"Yup! That's me. Even in death I am well known, it is good to be me, hm." Deidara took out some clay and casually started to roll it between his fingers as he took comfort in the familiar practice.

Zabuza's eyes narrowed as his mind raced. The last time he had interfered with a member of Akatsuki's judgment he had thought he was going to be sucking food through a straw for the rest of his existence. Adding another member to the list for when Minato woke back up did not seem to be a smart idea so he would have to improvise.

"Well, sadly the person who is supposed to judge you isn't available right now so if you could just sit tight he will judge you as soon as he can get here."

At this Deidara's ears perked up. He had died, and now all of a sudden some receptionist was telling him to sit quietly waiting to get judged?

"I don't like the sound of that at all, hm. I think maybe I should show you some art while we wait, hm. Do you like art, Mr. Secretary?"

Zabuza's eye began to twitch at the moniker. Being an assistant was nothing to be ashamed of, so why did everyone keep insisting on mocking him for it?

"I don't care about art. Now, just sit there before I have to get violent-" Zabuza's sentence was cut off when Deidara tossed him a beautifully sculpted swan. Zabuza, without thinking of who he was dealing with reached out his hand instinctively and grasped the swan in his hand. As soon as he made contact with the miniature sculpture the swordsman was blown back by the explosion that came from the small creation.

Deidara walked over to Zabuza's charred body which was twitching on the ground and cackled cruelly. "Art is an explosion!" Deidara's mirth was obvious in his voice. He happily inspected Zabuza's body for a moment before the body began to melt and after a moment only a pool of water remained in the spot. Deidara's eyebrows rose at this.

"A water clone, hm." Deidara glanced around and felt certain that he was alone. Shrugging his shoulders he pulled up Minato's chair and draped his cloak over it before sitting down and working on filling the White Space with his own wonderful works of art.

* * *

Mitarashi Anko's naked form arose from a bathtub before she stepped out and wrapped an olive green towel around herself. Life had been rough for Anko lately, or more precisely for her precious people. Her best friend, Kurenai, had lost not only the love of her life but also the father of her unborn child, and Anko was not very good at comforting others. Her own childhood and even adulthood made it hard for her to relate to others in a meaningful way, although Kurenai seemed to appreciate her meager efforts all the same.

She stretched out her limbs and caused her curves to press tightly against the towel as she did so. It was bed time for Anko, and she wasn't looking forward to it. Her dreams, especially when she was troubled, often held more horrors than pleasantries for her to experience. It seemed that no matter how hard she might try she could not escape her past. With an undignified snort at the thought of her troubles Anko slithered into her bed and she fell asleep as soon as she hit the pillow, her exhaustion having overtaken her.

Anko stood in the middle of an endless grassy field with wind sweeping all around her. The last thing she remembered was falling asleep in her bed naked; Anko gasped and looked down only to see that she was wearing her usual attire and she let out a sigh of relief. She began to wander around the field; She had never had a dream like this before. Anko always knew when she was dreaming because she could not feel the dull ache around her neck signifying that Orochimaru's cursed seal was still active. The field didn't look familiar either. This place was entirely too peaceful for one of her dreams so this couldn't end well.

"Orochimaru! Is this how you learned to mold chakra?" Anko's body had tensed at the name Orochimaru, but had been struck with an odd feeling of nostalgia when she recognized the voice who had said the name.

_Sandaime-sama?_

The relationship shared with Anko and Sarutobi Hiruzun was a special one. When Orochimaru had betrayed the village and Anko was all alone only he, Sarutobi, had understood the feeling and had made it his mission to make sure that she grew up to be a fine shinobi. Anko knew he would have done the same for anyone, but even knowing that he was still special to her, and his death had been hard on her. To hear his voice once again brought a smile to Anko's face as she ran to the source of it.

When she got there she had to suppress her laughter which had escaped her easier than she would have thought possible. Orochimaru was face down in mud and Sarutobi was standing on his back casually taking a drag out of his pipe with a disappointed look on his face.

"I remember a time when you could suspend yourself over mud in your sleep with twice this much weight on you, and you had the nerve to say that I was a shadow of my former self? That takes some nerve young man." Sarutobi looked up after admonishing his student to see that they had company.

"Ah, Anko-chan. It has been quite a long time since we have seen each other. How are you doing?"

Anko was struck speechless. She had recognized the voice, but not the sight of the Sandaime Hokage. Even in her youth the man had already been old, but in front of her stood a man who looked to be in the prime of his life and he was smiling his handsome smile right at her.

"No need to be so shy, Anko-chan." Sarutobi climbed off of Orochimaru's back, although not before stepping on his head causing the man's face to be plunged into the mud, and walked up to Anko.

Anko let out a small giggle at the sight and had to wipe a tear of mirth from her eye before regaining her composure.

"It is good to see you again, sir. What exactly is going on here?" The former Hokage quirked an eyebrow before a look of understanding passed through his eyes.

"Ah, you must be wondering about Orochimaru over there. Well, since Orochimaru died I have taken it upon myself to reteach him everything that he has forgotten over the years since he left Konoha. It is a slow process." Sarutobi took another drag of his pipe and continued to smile at Anko.

"Sandaime-sama... what is the point of chakra exercises? I do not understand."

Sarutobi rolled his eyes and gently patted Anko on the head like one would a small child. Although in this case it was because Sarutobi was a pervert and had a fetish for hair. "Dear child, for a ninja you are awfully lazy at the art of looking beyond the obvious. This exercise has nothing to do with chakra molding at all. That is merely my excuse to him. I am teaching him patience and rekindling his will of fire that flamed out oh so long ago. That mud he is in is constantly shifting in a way that no one would be able to actually use chakra to levitate above it. Well, aside from me of course. Then again, I always was fairly talented."

Anko had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at the obvious understatement and considered the man's words carefully. All of these years she had sought nothing but vengeance against the man who had in many ways ruined her, however seeing someone she respected take a different approach to it lessened some of her burden in a strange sort of way.

Sarutobi saw the cogs in Anko's head slowly turning and beamed down at her, knowing part of what she was thinking.

"You know," Sarutobi began, "It might be fun for you if you had the chance to teach Orochimaru a few lessons yourself. I wouldn't mind taking a break from being a drill instructor if you'd like to have a go at it."

If Anko could have done it she would have ripped the man's clothes off and had crazy monkey sex with him then and there. It had been many years since she had been so giddy over anything that didn't involve lots of blood. Although, there was nothing saying this couldn't involve a lot of blood too. Anko gave the man a big hug and a quick kiss on the cheek before she ran over and began shouting orders to Orochimaru who quivered in fear.

Back in her bed, Anko had the biggest smile on her face as she slept peacefully.

* * *

Deidara was making himself at home in the White Space. Although he could do little with the over decor of the room, there was going to be a lot of white no matter which way he sliced it, he had added some fantastic art to the place. In place of that dreadful wooden desk he had blown to bits was now a clay desk in the shape of an eagle. Don't ask how that worked. No one but Deidara knows.

Off to the left there was a simple clay table that had several little sculptures on top of it including a duck, a swan, and a particularly vicious looking turtle.

Deidara was steadily planning more ideas and his eyes closed as he dreamed of art filling out this terrible blank canvas.

His thoughts were interrupted when a man's voice came from behind him.

"You are in my chair," The man said, his voice monotone and quiet.

A dreadful feeling came over Deidara even before he turned around.

* * *

Footnotes:

1: It should be noted that Madara had all "good employees" up until the point in which they died. After this he would edit the paperwork in his own files to ensure that whenever he had a chance to think back on the other members of his criminal organization he would always remember them in the way that he believed they deserved: As miserable failures who couldn't get the job done and had died trying.

**2**: The phrase "no one" in this context was perhaps a misnomer, considering that there would be plenty of people to stab and do all sorts of terrible and fun things to. However, considering that he would have control over all of them and could force them to do whatever he wanted, killing would surely get old quick. At least, that is what he told himself.

**3**: The term healthy is such a vague word, it could mean any number of things here! To Madara it was perhaps healthy to think that the entire world was out to get you and the only way to rectify this was to control everyone so that it was impossible for anyone to against you. On the other hand, nine out of ten medical professionals would not classify this as healthy. The tenth was Madara in disguise.

* * *

**A/N: **This chapter was interesting because I really wanted to return to some of the things I hadn't been doing, namely the Shinigami being a complete bastard. I think it is mission accomplished, but ultimately I suppose the reviews will decide my fate. Dragon Man 180 had a good idea for an Anko scene so I took that idea because it seemed funny, I hope I did it in a way that makes you satisfied, my long time reviewer! I don't have any reviewer responses to get to because I pretty much responded to them all privately, which is what I am probably going to do more from now on just to clean up the story a bit so you guys can just get on with the reading. This chapter felt very on point from the moment I wrote it and just made me smile while I was editing it. If you don't find this chapter funny, I am pretty much screwed in the "I can make things that are funny" department for the rest of eternity. I also liked the ending, because I think we all know what is coming next chapter.

As always review and tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, how much you love or hate me, or if you just have something you'd like written about and think I might do it. Dragon Man 180 routinely gets scenes written because he tells me, yours could be next!

Until next time,

**Poll of the Chapter: I am thinking of removing all of the flashback tags in this fanfic and just smoothing them over with actual sentences, much like I did in this chapter. Since you made it to this poll you've read a lot of chapters, would you be for or against this change? Let me know!**

Chris


	34. The Keeper of the Cookies

**Chapter 32: The Keeper of the Cookies**

* * *

Deidara spun the chair he was sitting in around and was immediately greeted by the amused face of Namikaze Minato. It was the face that nightmares were woven from.

Minato's right arm was in a sling, but otherwise he appeared no worse for wear from his brutal battle with Bob. He had been laid up for a week from the injuries Bob had inflicted on him as well as the damage he had done to himself by "borrowing" some of his soul to fuel his victory. He had woken up in pain, a lot of pain, but had managed to quell it and get up from the bed with Kushina's help. After walking around for a few minutes he had _felt_ that a newly dead soul was alone in the White Space and had left to investigate despite his wife's protests.

Deidara remained frozen in Minato's chair as the blonde man flicked his eyes to the scratched out symbol of Iwa adorning Deidara's forehead protector.

"You are still in my chair," Minato said quietly. He did not require a louder voice for the displeasure in his voice to reach Deidara.

Deidara leapt from the chair and flew across his self-made desk and scrambled to get away from Minato.

Minato eyed the now vacant chair for a moment before he returned his gaze back to Deidara. "Did I say you could go?" Minato asked blandly.

Deidara stopped immediately. He had been taught in the ninja academy that if he ever saw this man you were to flee on sight. However, what if he told you that you couldn't go? Deidara decided to make a run for it before Minato's voice broke through his panicked thoughts.

"Sit down, Deidara," Minato said. The tone of voice he used almost made it seem like he was talking to a friend.

Almost.

Minato took pleasure in seeing the look of fear in Deidara's eyes as the younger man noticed he was being watched. Minato was very adept at intimidation and Deidara was helpless to resist Minato's strong presence. It was a potent combination.

Deidara had never been this scared in his life much less in his death. He sat down without questioning the man in front of him. Iwa ninja knew better than to disobey the Yellow Flash of Konoha.

Deidara was a small child when Minato had stopped the Kyuubi from destroying Konoha at the cost of his life. That didn't keep Deidara's mentor, the Third Tsuchikage, from telling him stories about Iwa's boogeyman. The man standing in front of Deidara lived up to the billing of a man who could be so powerful that an entire nation would be afraid of even his mention. Minato was absolutely frightening.

Minato looked at his chair for another moment before he rolled his neck to relieve the tightness in it and sat down in the comfortable chair. He looked at the strange desk for a moment before a file appeared. It only required one glance to know that Deidara had led a busy life; the file was very thick for such a young guy. Minato grabbed the file and began to flip through it. The silence in the large room was only interrupted by the sound of rustling paper. Minato took his time looking through the pages taking careful note of important information. Nothing in the file shocked him.

"You are a bad person Deidara," Minato said calmly.

Too calmly for Deidara's liking.

Deidara looked up and sorely regretted it a moment later. Deidara shivered at the deadly glint in Minato's eyes. Whatever nightmares he had envisioned of the man paled to the reality. Deidara had been around nothing but S-class ninja for several years and none of them could compare to this man. Just looking at him made Deidara want to curl up into a ball and beg for mercy. He was being suffocated by nothing but Minato's vicious gaze.

Minato continued. "You have done so much in your life, but I can't figure what it was all for. Why? You wanted art, but what were you missing in your life?" Minato was having a hard time coming to grips with Deidara's life. He had been so young when he had turned to senseless killing. Unlike many others he had no one to guide him for better or for worse. He had chosen to betray his master, his village, in order to obtain art. Minato wanted understanding.

Deidara shifted uneasily in his seat. The rogue ninja knew that the answer he had would not please the man in front of him. He was pissed off at himself for acting like such a coward. On the other hand, what was he supposed to do? He was in front of a man who had replaced the boogeyman in his country, and with good reason. The unrelenting fury of Konoha's Yellow Flash was one of the greatest and most terrible war stories ever told. He had sent thousands of Iwa ninja to their deaths without being touched. It was a popular rumor in the city that when the town elders had issued the 'flee on sight' warning about Namikaze Minato that it was a sick joke. If you could see him, it was already too late. There he was, a few feet from the terrible monster that had ravaged his country until fearful submission, and he was being asked a question. So he did the only thing that he could do: Nothing.

Minato noticed Deidara's uneasiness and gave Deidara a lopsided grin. "I am that scary, huh?"

The sudden lack of tension in Minato's voice shook Deidara enough for him to speak. "Excuse me?" Deidara asked tentatively, not sure he had heard Minato correctly.

Minato continued to smile although it now failed to reach his eyes. "I am just amused by the fact that someone who was so vain and arrogant in life could be reduced to fearful silence in my presence. You Iwa guys really are bothered by me. Even you, one of the strongest to have died in the last fifteen years, sit rigidly and say nothing."

Deidara's face flushed in anger and he momentarily forgot his fear. "You've got a big mouth on you, hm."

Minato continued to smile. "Yet, we both know I have a far greater bite, yeah?" Although Minato's tone of voice was conversational, the White Space began to darken and Minato's eyes burned holes through Deidara.

Minato was about to continue speaking when a portal appeared from behind him and his wife stepped into the White Space.

Kushina turned around to the portal. "Thank you, Shinigami-sama," Kushina said with a touch of mocking in her voice.

"Mocking me even when I assist you? You are lucky your bratty attitude is endearing to me, Kushina-chan," Said the voice of the Shinigami on the other side of the portal before it snapped shut.

Kushina rolled her eyes before she turned to her husband. "You left the hospital without saying goodbye to your wife, you sure are bad at these whole relationship situations, Minato-kun." Kushina pouted at her husband expecting him to play along, as he was notoriously weak to her pouty faces. However, instead, she got him sending her a look that would have killed a lesser woman. Well, putting aside the fact that she was already dead of course. He only got those looks around one type of person.

"Ah, Akatsuki over there, huh?" Kushina questioned as she looked past her husband to the younger blonde sitting across from him. "He doesn't look like much. Anyway, we need to talk Minato, so save your looks of death for later."

Minato sighed. He was not in any position to argue with the woman, and it wasn't as if judgments had to be made in a certain amount of time or anything. "Very well." Minato turned back to the younger man. "Deidara, take this portal and wait patiently where it puts you. I _will_ know if you move." Minato made a hand-seal and a portal opened behind Deidara who obediently went through it without complaint, his temporary fire snuffed out at Minato's commanding tone. A moment after he was through the portal it closed and Minato was on the floor writhing in agony.

"Minato!" Kushina yelled before she rushed to her husband's side and held him as he grimaced on the floor. "I told you that your soul couldn't handle the stress of traveling around for at least another week! What in the hell were you thinking?"

Minato smiled, obviously in an extraordinary amount of pain. "I couldn't just let a member of Akatsuki have free reign of this place in my absence. It is my home away from home now, after all. Zabuza contacted me and told me he had narrowly escaped a clay bomb." Minato paused in his reply to his wife for a moment to fight back a wince. "Anyway, my plan worked just fine. Iwa ninjas have never wanted any part of me. I have never had to even raise my voice to command their attention in the afterlife. It was a bit of a risk I guess, if Deidara had figured out that my soul is so weak that I could barely get here and in turn get him out of here, but hey what's eternity without a few gambles?" Minato's face broke out into another grin that was interrupted by his scream. The pain was getting worse for him and he could no longer hold back his shouts.

"Proud fool," Kushina said with an odd mixture of pride and worry. She lifted Minato up off the ground and braced him against her body. "Come on let's get you back into bed. Akatsuki can wait until you've healed." Minato nodded weakly, the pain had quickly sapped whatever remaining strength he had.

* * *

**With the Shinigami**

Not _everyone_ was having a bad day. Well, if you counted the Shinigami among "everyone", at any rate.

The Shinigami had been by Madara's side the whole day except for when Kushina had contacted him needing a portal to the White Space. The Shinigami really needed to get over his soft spot for bratty red heads, the woman was starting to catch on to his weakness.

While Minato was getting pampered by his lovely wife the Shinigami was pampering(1) his own special person: Uchiha Madara. The Shinigami was surprised, and admittedly just a little disappointed, to find out that once he had begun his torture of Madara that the man really did do all of the work for him. The man's mental instability could have a bard devoted to telling its tale daily and still the true depth of it would still elude some. After he had finally repaired the damage to his leg and had recovered his eyesight the Uchiha had been furiously, along with foolishly, scribbling ideas to reveal invisible spirits in his presence.

The Shinigami had to give credit where credit was due; the fact that Madara had reached a conclusion _that _accurate after only a few of his attacks was fairly creepy. Sadly for the evil ninja, he had the great misfortune of being himself, so his genius had to be balanced out with blatant stupidity.

Madara, being Madara(2), was of course not content to just see whatever evil spirit was giving him trouble. That would have been too much like right to be a thought in Uchiha Madara's head. He was hell bent to find a way to destroy whatever evil spirit was giving him his recent trouble. The problem with this clearly well thought out and reasonable plan was that Madara had nothing up his sleeve(3) that could possibly harm the Shinigami by any definition of the word. It did not stop Madara from trying though. It was almost endearing, really.

After a few hours of research, several experimental elemental techniques, and the Shinigami laughing his ass right off, Madara had in his hands a sword. It was not an ordinary sword, of course. This sword was going to allow Madara to destroy the Shinigami! Or something along those lines, anyway.

The Shinigami was about to poke another eye out with his wonderful needle of eye-poking when a portal opened up behind him and Zabuza stepped through it. The Shinigami crinkled his nose. He did not want to be distracted right now, not when he was having a ball of fun with his new pet.

"I am having fun Zabuza. You are not a part of my plan at the moment, I would suggest that you leave now," the Shinigami said.

Zabuza looked like he wanted to follow that advice very badly, but his body twitched slightly as if compelled by something beyond his control.

The Shinigami raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement of the tremor. Something was clearly amiss with the dead ninja; this was not a normal errand for Zabuza. Oddly the Shinigami did not seem surprised by this.

"You have my attention, spit out your message," the Shinigami said lightly.

"The Keeper requests your presence at once. He said you owe him and it would be unwise to go back on your debt." Zabuza's voice came out mechanical and well-practiced.

The Shinigami sighed. "There's no need for soul possession, Keeper. I will be there at once. Let the boy go," The Shinigami said with an edge to his voice(4).

Immediately after the Shinigami spoke Zabuza visibly relaxed and his shoulders slumped slightly signaling that he had regained control of himself.

"It seems the Keeper is the impatient sort, rude of him to take over soul like that. Although, I would have thought Minato could have taught you a lesson or two about properly warding against such things. Now then-" The Shinigami chiding of Zabuza was cut short by Madara sticking his sword right through him. The Shinigami's appearance seemed to become less solid and a look of discomfort made its way on his face.

"Shinigmami-sama!" Zabuza shouted with concern in his voice.

The Shinigami's appearance became normal again as soon as Zabuza shouted to him and he smacked Zabuza on the back of the head.

Zabuza rubbed his sore head as the Shinigami spoke to him.

"Idiot, as if that could harm me. Now shoo, I guess I have an appointment to keep." With a roll of his eyes the Shinigami banished Zabuza back to the afterlife and gave a glance to Madara with a sinister look in his eyes.

"Not a bad first effort, Uchiha Madara. It seems the measures I have planned were in fact prudent of me. I am glad that there bigger game in this world than Orochimaru," The Shinigami said to Madara, although aforementioned man couldn't hear him. The Shinigami was about to leave for his meeting but he stopped himself. He reached over and delivered a powerful slap to the back of Madara's head.

Madara stumbled forward and grabbed the back of his head. "Ow." Madara winced as he grabbed the back of his head. That was going to bruise.

_Much better note to leave on_, the Shinigami thought right before he snapped his fingers and went to meet with the Keeper.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Suna**

Gaara took a bite out of his chocolate cookie while he mulled over some boring paperwork. While it was a bit of a redundancy, this paperwork went above and beyond the call of boring. Other paperwork used to sit around a campfire with younger paperwork and tell the legend of paperwork as boring as the one on Gaara's desk right now. They stopped, however, when the younger paperwork would jump into the campfire rather than face the terror of such boredom.

The paperwork on Gaara's desk had to do with funding something super important, and so Gaara already knew that he was going to sign it. However, the last time he didn't look over every detail of a seemingly routine stack of paperwork his sister, Temari, had snuck in a stipend for herself to buy a large amount of cookies. The council had chewed Gaara out for being so careless and so in return Gaara had made sure to have a talk with Temari. The end result of the talk was Temari on the ground in tears and Gaara having a lot of cookies. Cookies were awesome.

While Gaara did not like being scolded by a bunch of old men it was a small price to pay for having what basically amounted to a lifetime supply of cookies. He had a feeling that the only reason they hadn't made Temari or himself pay back the village for the funds wasted was because he had died to protect them or something along those lines. It was a fair trade, as far as Gaara was concerned. They got to live, he got cookies, everyone was happy.

Gaara flipped to another page in the paperwork while he dipped his cookie in the glass of milk to his right. It had taken a lot of research into the matter but it was now a proven fact in his mind that while cookies were awesome, cookies in milk were even better.

On the subject matter of milk, Gaara's research into breasts was going exceedingly well. It seemed that being Kazekage had benefits when it came to the women of his village. He thought it was going to be extremely awkward to conduct the research on breasts, but as it turned out every woman who had even heard a whisper of his research had been more than willing to show him their breasts, as well as let him do _other_ things with them. Gaara had added breasts right below cookies on his official list of awesome things. It was a small list.

Gaara popped the last bit of his cookie into his mouth and chewed slowly. His life, the second chance he had gotten at it even, had gone very well for him. It was all thanks to his friend Naruto. Because of his friend's unselfishness Gaara now had the chance to eat a lot of cookies and be able to appreciate breasts in all sorts of ways. Gaara was fortunate to have a friend as good as Naruto. Gaara knew he would never be able to repay his friend, but what could come close?

Gaara glanced to his right and saw a stack of marriage contracts and his mind wandered. Maybe Temari's hand in marriage and five bags of cookies would be a good start.

Gaara shook his head to clear his mind. That was a bad idea.

The cookies were too valuable.

* * *

**The Keeper's Dimension**

The Shinigami walked into the Keeper's sanctuary and was moderately surprised to find the state that it was in. The last time he had been here the large room had been a disaster with paperwork and everything else thrown all over the place. Now the entire room was clean, not a single thing on the floor, and the Keeper was behind his desk writing something down. Although, the Keeper himself looked quite different as well. He had traded in his old and wrinkled body for a younger model. In fact the Shinigami would have been surprised if any mortal could look that young if they were older than eighteen. He had retained his white hair though, and wore it combed back. The Shinigami looked into the ancient being's blue eyes and saw that he had retained those impossibly ageless eyes as well.

"I see you got my message. I am glad you responded so promptly, Shinigami-kun," The Keeper said in a voice that matched his new younger look. It was soft and polite. He sat his pen down and looked up at the Shinigami expectedly.

The Shinigami's eye began to twitch at the expectant look on the Keeper's face. "You took over a minion of mine and told me personally that I was needed here. You could do a better job of explaining yourself."

The Keeper had the decency to feign embarrassment. "Of course, of course. I forget sometimes that young _people_ such as yourself are not as good with remembering your debts as us older people are. When I gave you the key to defeating Bob and saving the universe I told you my price. The time has come to pay that price. I want Namikaze Minato, and I want him right now."

The Shinigami glanced around the room he was in for a moment, thinking over what the Keeper had just said. Conversations with other Gods always made the Shinigami tense. They could not be trusted. They had way too much power. Some mortals believed it was cynical to believe power corrupted, and in part it was. It was not the power itself the corrupted, it was the fact that there was no one to stop the powerful from doing their whims aside from themselves. Gods, like people, had trouble resisting temptation for the most part. Gods, by their nature as powerful and worshipped beings, were used to getting their way. The last time the two of them had spoken there hadn't been any time to haggle and the Shinigami had agreed so that he could be on his way. The Shinigami had to choose his words carefully here. He wouldn't win a fight in this place versus this opponent and the both of them knew it.

After a few moments the Shinigami's eyes rested on a book sitting on a shelf behind the Keeper and he smiled. He had a plan.

When the Shinigami spoke, he had a confident look on his face. "Hoho, I am reminded that at times even I can be blind to the obvious," The Shinigami said in a self-admonishing voice.

The Keeper's eyes narrowed as he took in the look on the Shinigami's face and the tone of his voice. "That does not answer the question at hand, Shinigami-kun."

"Ah, but it does. I am not going to give you the Minato because there is no need for me to do so." The Shinigami's voice was downright chipper as he said this.

The Keeper's face reddened in anger. "If you believe I will allow you out of here without repaying me-"

The Shinigami interrupted him, "No, that was not what I was planning to do. I will not give you what you have requested, but I am reasonably sure I can still give you what you want."

The Keeper's eyes narrowed again at the Shinigami's apparent clever use of wording. "Go on," the Keeper insisted.

The Shinigami extended his lengthy arms parallel to the ground and took a quick look around the room, surveying it all. "The last time I was here you asked me to examine my surroundings before I challenged you. I did just that, but I was… preoccupied at the time. Now, coming here at my _leisure_, the truth of your situation has become obvious."

The Shinigami paused for a moment to eye the Keeper. The god made no indication that he had anything to say, so the Shinigami continued.

"You are trapped here. Confined. I believe that you do love history, and that you came here willingly, but as we both know eternity is a very long time. You even more than me, if you are to be believed. You do not seem to be overly friendly or merciful, and so when you spared Jashin in exchange for him bringing people here you revealed a part of yourself. A weakness, if you will. You are old, and you want something new."

"Now see here-"

The Shinigami continued smoothly, ignoring the Keeper's interruption. "With all of history in your head, you chose Namikaze Minato to be the person to keep you company. You are a lonely god whose only realm of power is this small space. Now that I see you in the clear light of day, I know I have nothing to fear from you. You could destroy me for a time, but you don't have the right type of power to put me out of existence long term. Further, I don't think you would want to. You don't have the malice in your eyes. Not like me, not like the cracked version of Bob. Your loneliness hasn't warped you that far. Not yet." The Shinigami paused to glance again at the book behind the Keeper. "You have been reading, I see. 'The effects of Loneliness', nice book title. Trying to cope with an eternity alone. How quaint." The Shinigami took a seat in the chair opposite of the Keeper and looked at him directly. "Tell me I am wrong."

The Keeper sighed. Although his body looked like that of a young man his body language betrayed revealed what he was truly: a tired old man. "You are correct. I was not always as I am now. I was not a mortal, but neither was I a god. I forget what exactly I was, it has been too long. Too many years have passed, too much information has gone through my mind." The Keeper paused for a moment with a look of regret on his face.

At that point the Shinigami was thankful that, as previously mentioned, he did not have a heart or he might have cared about the pain that was associated with not remembering where you came from or what you once were.

After a moment to compose himself the Keeper continued. "One day I was approached with an offer. To become timeless. To see everything. To observe, to keep. I was young and stupid and so I accepted, not thinking about any possible downside. I've seen the universe undone so many times. It has been remade, unwound, and reimagined countless times. All I have ever done is observe."

The Keeper looked around the room for a moment before giving the Shinigami a hard gaze. "That being said… you underestimate me, Shinigami. I spent quite some time making this room and myself look more presentable. You owe me." Whatever weakness had been in the god's posture was now gone and he seemed ready to fight.

The Shinigami leaned back in his chair, not at all concerned with the look his fellow god was giving him. "Yes, I recognize my debt to you. That brings me all the way around back to my original point: I will loan you Minato every once in a while. You did help make sure the Universe didn't implode and I can appreciate that. I pay my debts, it is important to me. However, Minato's soul is bound to me in ways that I do not think you understand. I cannot simply give him to you. He is no longer mine to give away, merely mine."

The Keeper gave the Shinigami a peculiar look, for once being the one clueless in a conversation. He made a mental note to try to figure out the meaning behind the Shinigami's words later.

"Loan him?" the Keeper asked.

"Yes. I understand that someone must stay here in order for everything to work right, and they must do so of their own accord. I will stay here for eight hours and make sure history is recorded and all of that jazz. You know where Minato is I assume, go there and talk with him. I will allow this two more times in the future-"

"Three."

The Shinigami rolled his eyes. "Fine. I will allow this _three_ more times in the future." The Shinigami shrugged, easily accepting the amendment by his counterpart. "After those meetings my debt to you for your knowledge will be settled. Do we have an understanding, Keeper?"

"We are in agreement, Shinigami-kun," the Keeper said.

"Very well," The Shinigami said. "Go then. I have some free time on my hands."

The Keeper vanished in an instant, as soon as the Shinigami had told him to leave.

"You can come in now, Zabuza," The Shinigami said loudly.

Zabuza entered the Keeper's room and stood next to the Shinigami. "How did it go?"

The Shinigami turned around and smirked. "Just as I planned it. He did not suspect that I had an ulterior motive to be here." The Shinigami got up from his chair and stood by Zabuza. "You did well in your part. He did not suspect that you were bait to bring me here at all." The Shinigami ruffled Zabuza's hair in a mechanical fashion.

Zabuza twitched at the gesture. He wanted to say something about the clearly mocking pat on the head but had learned a long time ago that would be an unwise thing to do; especially when the Shinigami was already in a scheming mood. "Thank you, Shinigami-sama."

Zabuza took a moment and looked around the neatly organized space around him. Countless shelves stretched as far as he could see, and he would tell you that was quite far indeed, and they were all packed with thick books. From a discussion earlier in the week with the Shinigami he surmised these were the tomes of history that the Keeper was in charge of writing in order to record history.

"So what do we need from here anyway?"

"We are here to browse a certain section," The Shinigami said casually. When the Shinigami said things casually it was a cue for everyone around to know that whatever he had planned was certainly not going to be casual, nice, or pleasant in any way.

Zabuza rolled his eyes. He, like Minato years before him, had learned that the Shinigami liked to build up to certain big reveals and while it was almost painful to go along with it tended to cause less pain than the alternative(5).

"What section are we going to browse, Shinigami-sama," Zabuza said as dramatically as he could.

The Shinigami smiled, appreciating the effort on Zabuza's part. "Ancient torture."

Zabuza closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. _Great,_ he thought sarcastically, _The Shinigami is branching out intellectually when it comes to torture. This couldn't end badly.  
_

* * *

**Footnotes:**

**1**: The word pampering has standard meanings and then it has the meaning that the Shinigami would like for it to have. When he says he is pampering someone what he is trying to convey is that he is making their life and/or existence on the whole a much worse experience directly related to his intervention. The Shinigami is pragmatic in understanding that the word's meaning will be slow to change, but he does his best every day to spread awareness of an issue that is close to his heart.(1a)

**1a**: In that he keeps a jar of bullshit in the front pocket of his robe that is nearest to his heart.

**2**: The product of years of inbreeding and half a century of plotting while only having himself and a sock puppet named "Hokage-sama" to converse with.

**3**: He did have something for the situation in a locked drawer, but his memory was slipping in his old age.

**4**: No one could dispute that the Shinigami was a bastard, and most of the people he tortured into becoming his friends would agree that it was probably the best part of his character, but the Shinigami also had a strict code of conduct when it came to souls. He did not treat them lightly and he did not like it when others did either. So when the Shinigami cared enough to get serious, it was generally thought wise to do as he asked.

**5:** The Shinigami whining about whatever person he was talking to ruining the epic buildup he had worked so hard to get right.

* * *

**A/N**: Two months and some change later, another chapter! You know, this is probably why I should avoid that whole situation where I leave a cliffhanger at the end of chapters. It makes me seem like a very bad person when I don't update right away. I had planned on it but I just got busy, demotivated, and I refuse to drop whatever quality I have just to provide an update. That said I am pretty happy with the job I have done on this chapter even though I had to revise it myself as my edit guy wasn't available when I want to post this, but I think I did alright. Lots of plot points in this chapter, and I don't think many of them are obvious. Stuff with the Keeper is going to be getting interesting I assure you. Also doubt many of you expected Minato to basically bluff his way through Deidara and just how much his battle with Bob hurt him. He didn't escape as cleanly as many thought he would I bet.

I already have a lot of awesome ideas for next chapter. Tsunade is going to make an appearance, Shikamaru is probably due for one as well. Keeper and Minato have a chat, Shinigami does some high learning in torture 101, and Deidara's fate is probably decided if I can fit it in.

One last thing before reviewer responses is that while I was not writing for this it didn't mean I stopped with fanfiction. I put out three chapters of a Harry Potter story that has to do with Dante's Inferno, I think my readers might enjoy that humor. I also put out a Doctor Doom and Pokemon crossover which has very short chapters and just about everyone tells me is the funniest thing I have ever written. Between you and me though, I still have a soft spot for this story.

Reviewer Responses:

**Impstar**: Good timing on reading and getting an update the very first day you read it. Not so much on the two months after that. I hope you are still around to enjoy this!

**Perfect beauty**: I am glad you liked those scenes so much, last chapter I think I ran into the problem of using too many of my awesome ideas that it left me a bit at a loss where to go from there! Revenge is indeed a delicious dish.

**Semigall**: Make a scene where Anko scares people by being happy? That sounds like something I can take care of, certainly.

**Riku Uzumak**i: I will tell you this: I have something even more funny than that cooked up for Deidara. And yes, I too have this feeling that Madara and the Shinigami are going to get along great. For the Shinigami, of course.

**Poll: What would you do with Deidara if it was your choice? Put yourself in Minato's shoes and tell me how you think you'd handle him**.

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, as always like or dislike review and tell me how I did, I listen. Most of the time.

~ Chris


	35. Good for the Soul

**Chapter 33: Good for the Soul**

* * *

**A School  
**

The Shinigami was in a chair far too small for him writing down a list. Lists were important to the Shinigami, because when you are the God of death and thus were on the go sending souls to the afterlife as a job you needed quick references of past brilliance if you ever expected to get anything done.

The Shinigami's list making was interrupted by a messenger appearing.

"Excuse me sir I have a note for you…why are you in an elementary school?"

The Shinigami looked up from his list and saw kids, no older than ten, running around screaming wildly in front of him. It was recess. From his vantage point in the back of the room he could see the entire class, and not a single one of them was behaving.

The Shinigami looked at the messenger. "Writing out ways to torture people, why do you ask?" The Shinigami returned to formulating his list after asking the question.

The messenger stared blankly at the Shinigami, clearly confused by the answer he was given. "You…are in a school." The messenger had clearly gotten his college education with a degree in stating the obvious.

The Shinigami stopped mid-note and looked back up at the Messenger. "I see you are having trouble wrapping your mind around the concept. Very well." The Shinigami put his number two pencil down and turned around in the desk so that his upper body was facing the messenger. "It is really quite simple. As everyone knows, kids can be cruel. I like cruelty. Kids also have a boundless energy about them that they will often times use in pursuit of said cruelty towards their peers. Kids are often found in large quantities inside of schools. Therefore to get inspiration I sit quietly in the back of a random classroom every so often and gain insight into their depravity. That's reasonable, I'd say."

The messenger didn't know what to say, but at the same time was sure he would not like the consequences of not responding to the Shinigami. "Right, I understand." He didn't. "That sounds reasonable enough." It didn't. "Well, here's the message I have for you. Have a pleasant day." The man handed the Shinigami the note and then proceeded to run away screaming from the Shinigami as fast as his soul could take him.

The Shinigami chuckled darkly at the now gone messenger's reaction to his explanation. He wondered if anyone would ever react differently when he explained what he was doing in a school. He certainly hoped not. He glanced down at the note and skimmed it quickly. Then the Shinigami smiled. Good news for the Shinigami was _always_ bad news for everyone else. The Shinigami took out a small backpack and put his extensive list in a side pocket.

He had gotten his torture idea from the young for the day out of the way, now it was time to see what the old could offer him.

* * *

**Minato's Hospital Room**

Minato spared a look towards the door and was unsurprised to find that he did not recognize his visitor.

"The Shinigami warned me that I might be seeing you soon," Minato said. His tone made it clear how much he thought he required a warning about the man's presence.

The Keeper's lips twitched in amusement. "I see missing a part of your soul has not dulled your personality any. I am truly glad for that. It is a pleasure to meet you, I am the Keeper." The man extended a hand towards Minato but dropped it after Minato gave no indication of meeting it.

Minato leaned against the guard rail in his hospital room balcony and looked out upon a lush forest with trees so thick that only a glimmer of sunlight peaked through to the room. "I know who you are, and I don't respect those who treat me like trash, Keeper."

The Keeper was surprised at the feeling of guilt rising up in him. Despite his practiced response to any feelings of guilt being cool indifference towards it so it wouldn't influence him, as was prudent for the Keeper of History, he could not help but to ask the first question that came to his mind. "What have I done to offend you, Minato-kun?"

"You used my friend to get the Shinigami's attention; I don't like it when people use my friends." Minato turned to face the Keeper with a fierce expression on his face.

The Keeper was well aware of the fact that the man before him did not have the capacity to harm him in any way. It was perhaps because of this that made it more alarming for the Keeper when he noted a small amount of fear within him directly caused by the man in front of him.

The Keeper chuckled, gently guiding the fear out of him audibly. "I confess to you Minato-kun, you live up to the stories and accounts I have of you. Harmless to me as you are, I still get a small shiver from you. I am sure you had to work hard on such an impressive stare, yes?"

Minato turned back around continued to look at the forest with an odd interest. "Not really," he replied dismissively after a few moments of silence.

The Keeper fought hard to not let a frown work its way onto his face. This was not going as he had planned. Then again, he hadn't had much of a plan to begin with other than to walk up to Minato and start a conversation. What he did after that was going to be a reaction to whatever the blonde man who was currently more interested in trees than him did. "I am sorry," the Keeper said after a long pause.

"For?" Minato asked without turning around.

"I was thoughtless and inconsiderate. It has been far too long since I was anything resembling mortal. You have my word that I will not abuse anyone you know again." The Keeper hoped that he sounded sincere because if his sincerity couldn't pass for sincere the rest of this conversation would go nowhere.

Minato turned to face the Keeper again and for a brief moment he had the same deadly glint in his eyes as he had before. It was gone so fast that the Keeper was unsure if he had imagined it and Minato had a large grin on his face.

"I'm glad to hear it. It is difficult working with people who don't know the value of the human soul." Minato slowly made his way to his bed. He had developed a limp after his last excursion outside of the hospital. He was grateful that his guest didn't offer to help him; his pride was wounded enough without another person's, or God's, pity to stack on top of it.

Minato slowly sat on the corner of the bed and let the tension from the pain ease out of his body. He hadn't expected this in the heat of the moment, although it was inevitable that it would happen. He hadn't been in a position to be picky about how he won his matchup with Bob. He had thought using his soul as fuel would be like any other time his soul had been damaged, that it would hurt like a physical wound and it would quickly repair itself. Apparently the universe took some offense when a being thought it was a good idea to use part of themself as a power source and had destroyed part of Minato's soul.

The Keeper watched Minato with a critical eye. Despite the blonde's best efforts he could not hide the extraordinary pain he was feeling from the Keeper. The pain, nor its severity, surprised the Keeper. The fact that Minato could still walk at all did. He had heard the stories of this man but had not believed a mortal could have this much willpower.

The Keeper suddenly let out a chuckle.

"Something funny?" Minato asked in a strained voice.

"Quite," The Keeper said.

Minato made a gesture with his hand for the Keeper to continue.

"It is just that you are interesting, Minato-kun. You are both stupid enough to destroy a part of your soul but gutsy enough to endure the incredible pain that goes with it. You delight me, because you bring excitement to an otherwise boring job. History is oft repeated, but you certainly like to shake things up." The Keeper smiled honestly at Minato showing his genuine fondness for the man.

"I only did what had to be done. I didn't want to destroy a part of myself, but it was either me or the universe. I don't have it in me to choose to give less than I am capable of giving," Minato said softly.

"I know you did, and I know the type of person that you are. It doesn't surprise me in the least. That is how you lived your life, that is how you died, and that is how you have conducted yourself in the afterlife. Although you are but a minor cog in a great big machine you have garnered the attention of many deities and spirits that wander and command power in the afterlife. Mortal souls of your quality are not often paired with your sense of duty. You would be the star attraction of a mortal soul freak show."

"That's kind of you to say," Minato said sarcastically.

"You may not know this, but I am actually capable of saying at least ten kind comments in every language ever invented. Although our time together is going to be limited, when I visit you next I am going to be showering you with knowledge regarding the afterlife. That is when our fun begins proper." The Keeper waved his hand and a moment later a platter and a cup of tea were in his hand. He quietly took a sip from the cup and gently put it back down on the platter.

Minato raised an eyebrow at both the cryptic statement and the Keeper's summoning of a cup of tea. He decided that the tea could be ignored. For now. "Who says I am going to let you visit me again? You aren't exactly an amazing conversationalist."

The Keeper chortled. "Too true, I do not get enough face time with people. I read too much, makes me have quite the drab personality I am afraid. As for why you will let me visit you again, there are two reasons. For one, the Shinigami settled a debt with me by allowing me to visit with you, and while you may like to believe that the Shinigami doesn't have complete control of your soul, I have a funny feeling that he is going to be able to persuade you to see things his way without ever actually bringing up the fact that he can force you to do as he pleases. He'll torture a kitten or another random innocent animal. Think of the cute animals, Minato-kun."

Minato rolled his eyes. He knew he couldn't argue that point at all. "Okay, you do have a point that I am not likely to be in a position to argue with the Shinigami, but what is the other reason that I am going to visit with you?"

The Keeper's eyes almost sparkled at Minato's question. "This one you are going to like, my mortal friend. It is going to be of great benefit for you. The Shinigami has not failed _completely_, but there is so much more for you to do and experience in the afterlife, so much more for you to be able to understand. I only ask for your time in exchange."

"That's it? No hidden motives?" Minato asked suspiciously.

The Keeper outright laughed at the question. "Lesson number one: Of course I have hidden motives. You will find, however, that mine are as benign as hidden motives can be. I do not have many ambitions, Minato-kun. I do need a pet project to busy myself with, and I mean no disrespect, however I think you are an excellent candidate to be my project," the Keeper finished his sales pitch and leaned back on his heels waiting for Minato to respond.

The stubborn part of Minato wanted him to reject this offer right away. He didn't trust this Keeper character as far as he could throw him, and he had learned years ago to treat offers of kindness with some amount of suspicion. However, Minato knew he couldn't do that here. He didn't have any innate trust of the man deity in front of him, but he felt at least in this conversation the Keeper was being straight forward. He also didn't want to cause a problem with the Shinigami; now that his boss no longer had any competition for his title of Death he had been on a bit of a rampage.

Minato looked down at his portable queue button and cringed. Whenever he got back on his feet he had a million soul backlog. Some thanks he got for saving the Universe. He glanced back up to the Keeper and shrugged his shoulders. "Looks like I don't have much of a choice in the matter. At worst it seems like you'll just bore me for a few hours. I can think of worse fates. I don't trust you, I don't know what your game is, but I have been around long enough to know no one does anything for nothing. You've been around too long to be that selfless." Minato's gaze hardened. "Don't play me for a fool. I might be nothing now, but I know that won't always be the case. With time, souls can shift, change, and strengthen. I plan to be around for a very long time, and I am not above holding a grudge."

"Threat noted," the Keeper said. He made his tea seat disappear with a wave of his hand and extended the very same hand towards Minato. "I believe it is a mortal custom to shake hands when two people have reached an agreement," he stated.

Minato looked at the proffered hand for a moment before meeting it with his own.

Then Minato's world exploded into unimaginable pain.

Minato crumpled to the floor with only his arm being held up by the Keeper's firm grip. He forced himself to raise his head so that he could meet the Keeper's eyes for a brief moment. In a distant corner of his mind he wondered if his sense of betrayal showed in his eyes. The thought vanished however when the pain worsened and his head bent back down in a futile attempt to block the pain.

Kushina entered the room the moment Minato screamed and catapulted herself at the Keeper. To her surprise, however, she was stopped a mere foot from landing a kick by nothing at all.

"I've suspended you in mid-air. Your loyalty is admirable. I assure you, however, that I am not harming your husband. In fact I am doing him a great favor." The Keeper returned his attention back to the man on the ground and after a few more moments let go of Minato's arm and at the same time gently placed Kushina back on her feet.

Minato unsteadily rose to his feet and looked at the Keeper. His eyes were glowing blue and he had a visible aura of yellow all around him.

Namikaze Minato was pissed.

The Keeper's eyes widened in surprise at the sight in front of him. "Well, that worked faster than I expected it to. That makes everything much more convenient for both of us," he said.

Minato's anger faltered as he processed what the Keeper had said. He looked down at his hands and then back to the Keeper. His eyes stopped glowing and the yellow aura around him disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. He sat down on the corner of the hospital bed and cracked a smile. "Thank you," he said simply.

The Keeper shrugged off the thanks. "No need to thank me, this is merely the first part of our arrangement. You would not be any good to me as a spiritual cripple."

Kushina rushed past the Keeper and cupped Minato's face in her hands. She shuddered at the underlying power she could feel in Minato. It had been absent ever since his fight with Bob.

"You can feel it too, huh?" Minato asked.

Kushina nodded as a few tears swam down her cheeks. "I… was so worried." She shoved her face into Minato's and kissed him forcefully on the lips. It was the first intimate contact between the two of them since her husband had awoken from his coma. Kushina shuddered as Minato's powerful hands came to rest on her hips.

The Keeper coughed politely and both Minato and Kushina turned towards him red-faced. "This appears to be a good time for me to make my exit, I have learned of the follies of interrupting young love." The Keeper's face lost its amusement as he looked at Minato directly. "You will not see me again for a very long time, but do not doubt that I will be having more conversations with you. In the between, do not use your soul as you did again. What you did was dangerous and should never be repeated. Souls are not easily repairable and what I did for you today cost me. I gladly pay the price this once, but it cannot be repeated." The Keeper gave a small incline of his head to the pair and vanished without another movement.

Minato sighed. That had certainly ruined the mood.

Kushina shoved him back onto the bed and straddled his lap. She began to slowly grind her hips into his with a lusty grin on her face.

Minato got a goofy grin on his face as picked up his wife and flipped her over onto her back, causing her to scream in delight.

There was love in the air tonight.

* * *

**The Keeper Dimension**

The Shinigami entered the Keeper's room and tried to find Zabuza. The key word there was try, as all he could see from the entrance to the room were mountains of books and files lying everywhere.

"Shinigami-sama, is that you? I am over here!" A disembodied voice said behind a twenty foot high stack of blue, red, and green tomes.

The Shinigami walked over to the stack and glanced at the titles. To his delight he saw words such as "pain", "suffering", and "torment" written on the spines. An excellent selection of words, if one was going to ask the Shinigami. "I see you found some of the books that I asked for. Well done," the Shinigami said.

Zabuza walked out from behind the tomes carrying the largest book of the set. "Here's the book you were looking for." Zabuza stepped through the several small piles of books between himself and the Shinigami and handed over the book.

The Shinigami greedily snatched the book and walked over to the Keeper's desk and sat down behind it before opening the book to the first page. The Shinigami took a pair of small reading glasses from the inside of his robe, careful to avoid the jar of bullshit that had settled right next to them, and put them on before beginning to read the book.

Zabuza had once considered himself an expert on torturing others, but had found that after spending years in the presence of Minato and the Shinigami that he didn't know much at all. Still, it was interesting to be able to look over so many books, tomes, and scrolls on how to inflict suffering on another person. It was also painful because as Minato's assistant, along with his increasingly more frequent use by the Shinigami, he didn't have much time to himself these days to make a trip to Hell to test some of the better ideas in the large book collection.

The Shinigami shouted something that Zabuza could not understand and stood up from the desk. The Shinigami glanced over at Zabuza and composed himself. "I have found what I was looking for," he said plainly.

"What was that, Shinigami-sama?" Zabuza asked.

"I have finally found a way to restore Bob's soul from the far reaches of existence into its original form again!"

Zabuza blinked stupidly at the Shinigami. He didn't know what to say.

The Shinigami, on point as ever, attempted to help Zabuza out. "That's a good thing, if you had trouble figuring it out, Zabuza-san."

"Um, why is that a good thing?" Zabuza paused when another thought occurred to him. "Actually, why is something like that even in a book about suffering?"

The Shinigami sighed, his disappointment with his present company evident. "Zabuza, someone who does not exist cannot in turn know the feeling known as suffering. Did you really think that I would allow my rivalry with Bob end simply because I broke him enough that he had to be exterminated? Utter nonsense. He is not _allowed_ the comfort of merely not existing. I will bring him back and make him miserable. I will greet him when he is reanimated. I will say hello. He will say hello. I will smile. He will smile. Then he will walk away thinking everything is okay, as simple minds like to think, and then it will begin. I will rain down such torment upon him that he will weep openly at being able to understand it and then, and only then, will I allow myself to momentarily forget the existence of the one known as Bob. For only by my willful forgetfulness will Bob ever know the feeling known as peace again." The Shinigami tilted his head back and erupted into maniacal laughter.

When Zabuza spoke, he tried to sound as nonthreatening and as supportive as he possibly could. "That sounds like a good plan."

The Shinigami looked at Zabuza as if he was surprised to see him there. "Oh, right, you are still here. I tend to forget myself when I get going about my plots." The Shinigami looked back down at the book and skimmed the page he had been reading again. "Right, now all we need is the ingredients to perform the ritual."

Zabuza had a bad feeling when the Shinigami had mentioned the word ritual. "Ritual, Shinigami-sama?"

The Shinigami grinned toothily at Zabuza. "Yes, to bring back a god we are going to need very specific parts. First among them…" The Shinigami left his thought hanging as he looked down at the book for a moment to see what was listed first. "…Is the soul of a servant of the god that is to be brought back." Right after saying this the Shinigami eyes lit up in delight. "You wouldn't happen to have you seen Nick around lately would you, Zabuza-san?"

* * *

**A/N**: Another chapter done. I got only one thing I wanted done with this chapter, but boy did that conversation take up a lot of room. I was half-tempted to put Deidara's judgment into this chapter but it would have made the chapter way longer than I would have liked, so I decided to end the chapter a tiny bit short rather than make it go over super long. The good news of that is I have a very clear picture in my head of what I want to happen with Deidara and believe me, you guys are going to absolutely love it. I am such a tease. Oh, and I was going to have a Shikamaru/Tsunade scene in this chapter but it absolutely sucked, trust me on that.

**Shrio Anubis**: I did not know that unicorns got emo, nor that they shit rainbow skittles, but aside from that I am glad that you have found my story good and I am glad you were to happy to find it once again. Lost love should not be forever separated, after all.

**To a lot of people who loved Gaara**: I know, right? Gaara's obsession with cookies is one of my better ideas, I like to think.

**Poll: What do you think the Keeper is up to in regards to Minato? I'd be interested in hearing some theories!**

I hope you enjoyed reading, feel free to review for better or worse, always interested in hearing what you guys think.

Until next time.

~ Chris


	36. Happy Days Are Here Again

**Chapter 34: Happy Days Are Here Again**

* * *

**In a Random Place**

Deidara was very confused. He detested such a feeling. It was beneath him, the great artist Deidara, to be puzzled. Yet here he was. When Namikaze Minato had told him to step into a portal he hadn't questioned the idea because Deidara had been trained his entire life to be very afraid of the man and seeing him had overwhelmed him. He thought it would overwhelm anyone; the man was a legend after all. However as he sat in a white void much like the one he had just left he began to think. Why had Namikaze insisted that he go away? The more Deidara replayed the encounter in his mind the more an obvious answer came to him: Namikaze was weak. The man never made a single movement towards him that entire encounter. Deidara could see subtle movements designed to mask pain and weakness in Minato's upper body. The man had clearly been uncomfortable merely sitting upright. Deidara cursed himself. He had let his fear cloud his judgment. He had the greatest enemy to his nation right in front of him and all he could do was cower.

Deidara jumped up to his feet and began to pace. This insult could not pass. It could not be _allowed_ to pass. The blonde knew he was a great ninja. He could feel the greatness flowing through him. He had trained his body and mind for over a decade to hone his ninja art: the way of the explosion. He had paid prices that caused lesser shinobi to shudder in terror. He had warped his body with rituals and techniques long forbidden because no one but him had dared to enter the realm of the impossible. He could not allow a man's status in life to stand in his way. No matter how great a man is, he is still just a man. Namikaze appeared to be weakened at that. It took someone's absolute best to even hope to approach his art, and Namikaze wasn't at his best. He knew he merely had to bide his time. He had to create something truly magnificent and when the time came for that wretched Yellow Flash to retrieve him he would send the nightmare of his village out with a bang.

"Mmm, going to teach that Konoha trash a lesson, hm. Look down on the great Deidara as if I am the trash, hm. He is just going to be another example of my art. I will call it "Yellow Flash to Red Smear" hm. Yeah that sounds great, hm." Deidara believed that no one could hear him, but that was not quite true. In a distant corner of the current dimension the Shinigami was holding a bag of popcorn. He always did enjoy a good show, and this was sure to be one.

* * *

**The White Space**

Namikaze Minato practically glided into the White Space. It had only been a few weeks since his battle with Bob but the time he had spent weakened had taken more of a toll on him than he realized. Even the white space seemed sharper and more in focus than when he had visited it last time. It was good to be back whole once again, simply put. He didn't know the long-term price for his agreement with the Keeper but he didn't really care at this point. He had learned to trust his instincts a long time ago and he thought the Keeper was playing it straight. If he turned out to be wrong, well, that was when his legendary improvisation skills would need to kick in. Putting the Keeper and whatever he was scheming out of his mind for the moment, Minato slammed into his desk chair and kicked his feet up on his desk. He picked up Deidara's case file and put it in his lap and began to read it over in more detail. The one detail that kept occurring to him was just how young Deidara was. He had barely been a teenager when he had defied his master and started to help terrorist groups. Minato tried to fight it but could not help the profound sense of pity he felt for Deidara. The man he could have become. He was barely more than a boy when he had died, only nineteen years old. He had done such vile acts, more than enough to earn him his punishment. Yet, even with that said, Minato could not help but to think that perhaps there was still hope for Deidara's soul. Then again, perhaps there wasn't. Either way Minato would have to come up with something suitable for his deeds. He wasn't in the business of saving souls after all. He was the judge, and judge Deidara he would.

Minato was brought out of his thoughts by the queue button which was softly aglow with a strange blue hue. Minato looked at the button with a perplexed look on his face. It had never glowed anything but red before. Clearly Minato should have consulted the three page owner's manual on the situation but he decided that would be too much work and pressed the button. What was being dead without a little bit of adventure?

A moment later Minato regretted his decision. Towering above him was the very angry form of Manda, the greatest snake summon. Minato tilted his head to the side and tried to think of something to say. He could not, and so he remained speechless for the moment.

Manda leaned down and narrowed its eyes to slits as he looked at Minato. "You are the former master of that miserable toad Gamabunta. Not content with mediocrity in life, so it suits you to be merely the doorman to the afterlife."

Minato put his chin in his left palm and looked up at the giant snake with a grin on his face. "You haven't changed I see. Still as full of yourself as the last time we met. Say, did you ever manage to heal that burn mark?" Minato had to leap out of his chair as Manda's tail came crashing down on Minato's desk. "Yup, same old Manda. You really should work on that anger management of yours!" Minato dodged to the right as Manda's tail slammed down in the place he had been a moment before.

"Fool! I am the greatest of the mythical creatures! You will show me respect!" Manda roared at Minato.

Minato laughed at Manda. "Always so pompous, learn to relax a little bit Manda. Not my fault you are dead after all. I don't get many non-human souls, but you aren't the first. I got a new job you see. Judge of the dead! If anyone is showing a lack of respect here it is you. Why don't you calm down before you get yourself in a bad way? This is the only warning you are going to get." Minato gave Manda a pointed look letting the snake know that he meant business.

Manda, much like his former master Orochimaru, was never one to back away from a challenge. Even when it would have been a good idea.

Manda leapt into the air and bared its fangs at Minato. Minato just watched as Manda got closer to him without moving an inch. A moment later Manda had swallowed Minato whole and closed his mouth shut. Manda was about to comment on how delicious Minato was when he felt a terrible pain erupt from his stomach. No, that was Minato _literally_ erupting from his stomach with a Rasengan still in hand. Manda's head crashed to the floor and he wailed in pain. The snake summon could see his body begin to turn to nothingness as the blood-covered Minato slowly made his way towards the snake's head.

Minato took his time getting to Manda's head. There was nothing wrong with letting someone who tried to eat you suffer after all. When Minato was within Manda's line of sight he fixed him with a cold stare. One of them was cold-blooded by nature, the other cold-blooded by choice. It was clear to see who had the upper hand on this day.

"It is my job to evaluate someone's worth when they come to me," Minato said, "it is clear to me you don't have any worth. Still as pompous and vile as ever I see. If that is how you want to be, I won't stop you. I'll just watch you fade into nothingness." Minato took a seat on the ground and watched as Manda's body continued to fade.

"You cannot do this! Stop this at once! Do you know who I am? I am Manda, king of all of  
summons! You cannot allow me not to be!"

"I think you have me mistaken for someone else, Manda. I can and I will. I suppose if you show some humility for once I could be persuaded to stop this process."

"Never! Humility is unbecoming for one such as me!"

Minato shrugged at him. "Your call."

Manda felt fear overtake him. He had lived for so long and just as he was to die he was being told that his very existence was in danger. Worse still was the fact he had the misfortune of being in front of his rival's greatest summoner. He was expected to beg to _him_? He wouldn't do it. He _refused._As his defiance reached its peak he could feel the process of his destruction rapidly speed up until it was nearly only his head that remained untouched. That changed his tune.

"Very well! I admit it! I am not the greatest summon ever! I am nothing! Just please for all that is great stop this at once!"

Minato smirked at the snake summon. "Much better." Minato snapped his fingers and Manda stopped fading from existence. Not only that, but Manda's form had changed altogether. He had regained a fully functioning body but he was now no larger than a common garden snake.

"W-what have you done to me!" Manda demanded.

Minato smiled nastily down at him. "You were always so proud of being the biggest there was, towering above others. But on the inside you were – just – so – small!" Minato took his time, enunciating his description of Manda. "Now, the form you have matches what you truly are. You have been big for too long Manda, and it is dangerous for spirits to forget what it is like to be small. It reminds them of what they came from, of what everyone is at one point. Be small now, Manda, and let it humble you." With another snap of his fingers he made Manda disappear from the White Space.

Minato blinked twice and looked at his hand as if it was the first time he was seeing it. _That's new_. He had never been able to do that before. Usually when he snapped his fingers a portal would appear to send people on their way. Just what had the Keeper done to his powers? Minato shook his head to clear his thoughts. No use in thinking about it now. That short battle with Manda had helped him arrive to a decision about Deidara. It was judgment time!

* * *

**A Very Cold Place**

Zabuza didn't like cold weather. He just didn't. He liked it when he could turn water into mist and go around chopping people up and laughing at how lost they were. He could turn ice into mist too; it just took him a lot longer and if the trick wasn't done fast it just didn't have the same oomph it would normally have. That is what being a ninja is about, the oomph.

Cold weather was, of course, exactly what Zabuza had to contend with while he tried to retrieve Nick from this forsaken realm that the servant of Bob was hiding in. Zabuza liked to pretend that he had put up a valiant effort to get out of this job but the truth of the matter was when the Shinigami told him to go to the end of the afterlife he had gone without any complaints. When the Mizukage had given him shitty missions he could actually plot the man's demise. Life had its perks over death, and that was one of them. It was hard to realistically plot the Shinigami's demise without the god sneaking up behind Zabuza and laughing at his ideas. That had been embarrassing.

After wandering around a snowy wasteland for a while Zabuza spotted a small house on a hilltop. Zabuza groaned. He felt stiff as it was; having to trek up a mini mountain wasn't going to help. Steeling himself he began his slow climb. He was the first to admit he didn't know much about how the afterlife worked but there should have been some way to remove the ability to feel pain. Snow beneath your fingers for a ten minute climb was not a sensation Zabuza had ever felt in life, and he was immensely glad for it. Finally Zabuza reached to the top of the hill and stumbled to the door. He pounded on the door and waited patiently by his standards for Nick to answer. Three seconds later he backed up a few feet and knocked the door down with a swift kick.

Zabuza stepped through the door and immediately saw Nick sitting in a chair glaring right at him.

"I am not going with you," Nick said simply. He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

"That's fine," Zabuza said a little too casually.

Nick raised an eyebrow at Zabuza's comment. "That wasn't suspicious or anything…" Nick muttered.

Zabuza held back a sigh. His instructors always did tell him that he was a poor liar. "Okay, well, you don't actually have to come with me. But a part of you does."

Nick paled at that statement. "Excuse me?"

Zabuza thought that was a fair reaction to have. "The Shinigami has realized, in all of his greatness, that a universe without Bob is boring him. So he has unearthed a ritual to bring Bob back from the depths of oblivion. I believe he called it an amusing side project. Long story short, we need a part of you to complete the ritual. Don't worry it is nothing too large or important. A hand would do, for example. You can even pick your bad hand!"

Nick was running towards the door before Zabuza had finished. He reached for the door – with his bad hand, no less – before Zabuza pulled him back by the scruff of the neck and threw him back into the chair he had been sitting in.

Zabuza took his massive sword from its place on his back and sat it down beside him.

Nick could not stop the whimper that came from him when he saw the massive sword.

Zabuza rolled his eyes. "Come on, don't be such a pussy. One cut and this will all be over. Plus if you don't have the decency to make it easy for me I'll settle for taking your head back instead. The Shinigami was not picky about what I brought back to him." Zabuza glared menacingly at Nick.

Nick, for his part, knew that Zabuza was ruthless and really didn't care what body part he lopped off. While Nick didn't want to lose his left hand he was much more partial to his head. Heaving a heavy sigh Nick stuck out his left arm. "Make it quick," Nick bit out.

The next moment Zabuza swung his sword down and Nick's left hand was cleanly cut off.

"Fuck that hurts!" Nick screamed out, clutching at where his hand used to be.

"Well, yeah, I just cut off your hand." Zabuza bent down and casually grabbed Nick's hand off the ground. "Well, it was nice doing business with you Nick. Stay safe." Zabuza opened a portal out of the realm and stepped through it, his business done.

Nick crumpled to the ground and let loose another scream of pain. It was always that damnable Shinigami. No matter what he did the Shinigami was always there to make his life hell. Even when he had tried to dispose of the Shinigami through Bob he had failed. That told Nick something very important: He was going to have to try even harder to destroy the Shinigami. Nick let loose a maniacal laugh that was cut short by his new stub hitting the wall behind him. He screamed once again and curled into the fetal position. Oh yes, the Shinigami would pay. Just as soon as he stopped crying.

* * *

**Back with Deidara**

Deidara was putting the finishing touches on his massive array of art – read: bombs – when they suddenly disappeared. Before Deidara could wonder what just happened he too disappeared. Or to be more accurate he felt himself fade from existence itself for a brief moment before suddenly being put back into place. Although, the place he was put into was not the place he left. What had before been a white room with a lot of explosives was now a very familiar room with no explosions. Deidara was in the office of the Tsuchikage. The last time he had been here he had stormed out on his mentor, the third Tsuchikage, and had never spoken to him again. The memory was still one of the most bitter he could recall. His mentor had always underestimated him.

"Sorry for the wait. I had a small snake problem to deal with."

Deidara turned his head towards the desk of the Tsuchikage to see Minato sitting in it looking at him placidly. Before he could think too much about it Deidara threw a bomb in the shape of a crane at Minato. Deidara was not going to let himself be intimidated again.

Faster than Deidara could ever hope to keep up with Minato faded from view and reappeared in front of him to deliver a sharp kick to the stomach that sent Deidara flying into the far wall of the room. Minato jumped slightly as the bomb went off behind him a few moments afterwards.  
"Those little things pack a pretty impressive punch. Nicely done, Deidara. I wouldn't suggest trying to do that again though; I don't take kindly to being attacked."

Deidara held his midsection and looked up at Minato. "How…how did you do that? The last time I saw you I was sure you were weakened, hm. Every little detail pointed to it." Deidara had a look of disbelief on his face.

Minato scratched the back of his head. "So you figured it out huh? Well done. I thought I had done a very good job of covering my tracks but I suppose that's what I get for leaving you in an empty space with nothing to do but think."

"I did more than think. I had a trap prepared for you, but my bombs disappeared just before you arrived, hm," Deidara said, annoyed.

"Heh, sorry about that." Minato didn't sound very sorry. "I changed the value of this realm. Realms are planes of existence; the world we come from for example is a realm of the living. Each one has a certain value to it. In the same way jutsu is a mixture of chakra and other factors to create its value, a realm is a combination of different types of energy to form earth, water, and everything else within. It was blank before, kinda like my own which you were visiting earlier. However when a realm is changed everything that was in it is destroyed so that there are no issues with compatibility. On the other hand it wouldn't be good if souls were destroyed in this manner because if someone wants a soul gone they usually prefer the whole torture and suffering route rather than blinking anyone out of existence. So anyways, a soul in a realm such as this one get de-synced from space and time for a brief moment and then transported back to the exact middle of the world, which in this case I designed to be this very office." Minato looked around with a smug look on his face. "I think I did a very good job, personally speaking."

Deidara looked around and silently agreed with Minato. The office was much like he had last seen it with a few changes. There was no reason to doubt that this could possibly be the office as it was today.

"Well enough about me," Minato said, "This is about you. Get up and walk with me." Minato went to the door and pulled it open. He began to walk out towards the staircase which led outside without looking back to see if Deidara was following him. After a moment he could hear Deidara scurrying to catch up.

Deidara finally caught up outside of the building and his eyes widened in surprise. "What is this place?" Deidara demanded as he rounded on Minato.

Minato chuckled darkly. "This is Iwa, obviously. Don't you recognize it?" The look Deidara gave him answered his question. "I suppose you wouldn't. You could never have envisioned an Iwa where you actually mattered, after all. Welcome to the future!" Minato spread his arms out wide beside him and looked over to see Deidara still not understanding. Minato sighed. "What aren't you getting, Deidara?"

Deidara rubbed his eyes with his hands and opened them again. The sights in front of him did not change. Everywhere there were buildings that looked like drawings he had done when he was younger. Less crude than those, though. As if he had been given time to refine his ideas and to give them true majesty. "What is this lie?" Deidara questioned. His disbelief was apparent.

"No lies here. I promise," Minato said sincerely.

Deidara clenched his fist in rage. "Of course this is a lie, hm! I am dead, hm! In pieces! I cannot be standing in some grand version of Iwa years into the future, hm! You have not taken me into future, hm! What, did you think showing me lies would trick me? I am not that that far gone yet Namikaze Minato, hm!"

Minato shrugged. "Think what you like. You'll see soon enough." Minato continued to walk away from the Tsuchikage compound and Deidara followed behind him, not knowing what else to do.  
The two of them walked in relative silence for several minutes as they both took in the sights of the supposed future version of Iwa. Minato stopped at random places to look at the architecture. He murmured random comments to himself that Deidara could have heard if he chose to listen in. He was too busy glaring daggers at the buildings. Someone had stolen his good ideas and made them better. No doubt they had taken sole credit for the designs as well. Finally they arrived at a massive marble building which had a name etched at the top. It was, apparently, the 'Art Institute of Iwa.'

"Nonsense," Deidara muttered. "They would never have a building dedicated to art in Iwa. They are savages here. The thought wouldn't occur to them, hm."

Minato gave Deidara a look of pity that the Iwa ninja was too preoccupied to see. "The tour isn't over. Let's take a look inside," Minato said as he walked into the building. Deidara was not far behind and after a moment Deidara's breath was caught in his chest as he looked at a dazzling array of artistic achievements all around him. One in particular, however, stood out.

It was the centerpiece of the gallery and there were several complex seals on the ground keeping the piece of art from harming anyone who wanted to get a closer look. It was a large rock that exploded once every twenty seconds and illuminated the enclosed areas with various colors that were created by the various angles the rock took when it broke apart. After a short time the rock would reform and soon explode all over again, this time in a different pattern so that the mixture of colors that formed was vastly different than the time before.

Minato looked at the exhibit's sign to the left and read the caption. "Art is an explosion. Huh, that's quite catchy."

Deidara's head snapped up at hearing those words and face contorted in rage. "Wh…Who dares to steal my words! My ideas! My art! Hm. This isn't fair, hm. This is my life's ambition, hm. It's mine!" Deidara screamed. His face was flushed and his chest was heaving and he looked on the verge of tears.

"You do," Minato said.

Deidara looked at Minato like he had two heads. "Excuse me?"

Minato pointed to the exhibit's sign. "Just read it."

Deidara glanced down and read the sign. "This is the sixth in the explosion line from Iwa's own Deidara, who rose to prominence sixteen years ago after the Fourth Great Shinobi War."

"W-what," Deidara stuttered out. His face was now pale and he was shaking. His mind couldn't comprehend what was in front of him.

Minato snapped his fingers and they were back in the Tsuchikage's office. The former Hokage calmly walked to the comfy chair behind the desk and sat down. He laced his hands in front of him and leaned forward giving Deidara a stern glare. "Welcome to your judgment."

* * *

The Shinigami looked down at his now empty bag of popcorn and frowned harshly. If he didn't know better he would think that Minato was getting paid by the hour with how long he was taking to judge that reject. The Shinigami had gotten excited with the prospect of reaping thousands of souls when he had first learned that Deidara had developed a technique to blow himself, and anyone in a large radius, up with a suicide technique. It had been a sour day for the Shinigami when he had taken Deidara's soul to the afterlife alone. He couldn't even manage to kill that brooding brat Sasuke. So the Shinigami had planned to take his frustration out on the closest thing Deidara had to a friend. When he could not locate any of Deidara's explosive clay to set on fire the day that Deidara had died, some weeks ago, the Shinigami had settled for Madara. Good times were had by all that mattered, and that list had precisely one person on it.

The Shinigami gave one last look of longing to his bag of popcorn before tossing it over his shoulder and licking his buttery hands clean. If Minato could not provide immediate entertainment then the Shinigami would have to find it elsewhere.

**Elsewhere**

Uchiha Madara suddenly turned around and threw a kunai. Madara remained still as his eyes darted back and forth for a few seconds before he closed both of his eyes in frustration. He was losing it and he knew it. It wasn't surprising that he was aware of the fact; he had lost _it_ more times than anyone had bothered to count. Lose a game of tag as a kid, murder everyone. Lose a battle to his rival, murder everyone. Have his brother die, throw a party. Okay, so that last one was mostly because his brother dying had been all a part of the plan, but that isn't the point. The point is that when things go badly for Madara people tend to die. Also local cleaners that deal in bloodstains had seen a steady rise in profits over the years as more and more bodies turned up on beautiful white sheets and exotic white rugs. As pure coincidence Madara had, over the many years, bought out several such cleaning companies. All part of the plan.

Madara turned back around to see that Pain and Konan were both giving him peculiar looks. Madara coughed politely and sat back down in his chair. After a few moments of silence he began to drum his fingers against the stone table, content not to talk. He didn't like talking with these two. They liked to believe they were clever, and the most dangerous thing in the world next to a person who was actually clever was someone who thought they were. He knew the organization known as Akatsuki was living on borrowed time. Whatever borrowed time the organization had, the two in front of him had far less than that. Konan was too loyal to her childhood friend and Pain could only be manipulated so much. He had real power and real ideals. That wouldn't do. When Konan has ceased giving him lap dances that had been the end of her usefulness as far as Madara was concerned. It would be inconvenient for Pain to leave the organization, but he could make do without him. Well, without _most _of him at any rate.  
Madara was brought out of his thoughts by his head unceremoniously crashing into the stone table he was seated at. Madara could not see it but he was sure those two ingrates across from him were once again giving him odd looks. Let's see what kind of looks they can give him when their eyes are plucked out and their bodies are stuffed for his amusement.

Madara rose his head off the table and was about to say something to cover for himself when his head was whipped down and impacted against the cold stone for a second time. He heard a feminine laugh and he looked up sharply to see Konan looking at him with a perfectly straight face, concern showing in her beautiful eyes. Then his head slammed back against the stone table yet again, causing a small crack to appear in the table's otherwise unblemished surface. He had always thought that meeting with Konan and Pain was a headache, but he had never meant it quite so literally before.

The Shinigami looked down at the Uchiha while grinning mischievously. This had been one of his better ideas, and that was saying something. The Shinigami understood perfectly that Minato's job sometimes required him to talk a lot, but he was not of the opinion that Minato should be so callous as to allow the Shinigami to run out of popcorn while watching what amounted to a preview. The Shinigami hated previews before the main feature, they ran _far_ too long.

The Shinigami took a moment to palm the back of Madara's head and shove Madara's face forcefully back into the stone desk the moment Madara lifted his head. The Shinigami couldn't say he was surprised that Madara hadn't caught the hint after the first three times. The sadistic side of the Shinigami, which made up of roughly ninety-five percent of his total being, was hopeful that as Madara's head took more hits that he would be less inclined to see the growing pattern and still raise his head after each time it was planted into the table.

Madara looked at Pain and Konan as best he could and glared at them, which reached their chests. "Leave me." His voice was full of rage and while Konan and Pain did not like Madara that much they knew better than to cross him. They quietly left the room leaving Madara by himself, or so they believed.

"Shinigami," Madara murmured.

The Shinigami perked up. He was not used to being addressed directly.

"I know I cannot hear, see, or even feel you. In fact, part of me thinks that you aren't even really there. I stabbed that part of me yesterday for being weak."

The Shinigami rolled his eyes.

"That being said, I _know_ you are here. So I want you to listen to me, Shinigami. You will not take me. I have surpassed you. You, however, are vulnerable. I know if you cannot take me then that means I am greater than you are. I just have to find a way to get you. I will get you, Shinigami. I always get what I want. So play with me all you wish, but Uchiha Madara is going to have the last laugh!" Madara let out a muffled cackle, his face still on the table.

The Shinigami's face was contorted in rage. In response to the god's obvious fury the room temperature lowered drastically and the air was suddenly much harder to breathe. The Shinigami bent down and gazed into Madara's single good eye.

"Think you are clever, do you mortal? Very well. Challenge accepted." The Shinigami rose back up to his full height and once again palmed the back of Madara's head which was still resting on the table. He proceeded to yank Madara's head off of the table and with as much force as he could muster slammed Madara's head back into the table.

Then several things happened.

The table broke apart on impact and Madara's face hit the floor a moment later with a sickening crunch. His mask broke into several pieces, some digging into his skin and some settling onto the floor around him. Blood spurted from Madara's face and started to drip onto the floor. Madara did not stir, although he cannot be blamed. He had just got his clock cleaned by the Shinigami.

"I was right," The Shinigami said quietly. "This is going to be a fun relationship."

* * *

**Back with Minato**

Minato now had Deidara's complete attention. It had only been moments since Minato had told him that he was now going to be judged but it had brought Deidara back to the present, away from the future Iwa that never was to be that had dominated his thoughts prior.

Deidara pulled up a chair and sat down in it calmly. Deidara looked up at Minato with remorseless eyes. "Then judge me."

Minato glared back at Deidara, not impressed with the look he was being given. "Very well. Deidara you have betrayed every confidence anyone has ever placed in you in pursuit of personal glory, vengeance, and what you have chosen to label as art. Not only are you a betrayer of faith but you spit on everything I feel life stands for. You are not honorable, nor respectable, and you have torn down everything around you just because you were not content with it. You have become a monster, Deidara, a cold-blooded monster. You allow your pride to be your guide. When others expected honesty from you, you lied. When others wanted sincerity, you chose to be snide. It finally all caught up with you, and you died. What do you have to say for yourself, Deidara of Iwa, before I pass judgment on you?"

"Yes I do, hm. It is easy for you to sit in your chair and attempt to judge me. Life was kind to you, hm. Life was easy to you, hm. You were born with natural talent and had everything handed to you. The people of your village adored you, hm. I was hated. All because I was different. They gave me nothing. Nothing, hm. You talk about loyalty, of trust, I was never given that. Never, hm. I do not regret anything about my life except that I could not kill those Uchiha bitches. Nothing."

Minato's gaze hardened when Deidara finally stopped speaking and Deidara sensed immediately that he had just made a grave error. In an instant Minato had leapt over the desk to deliver a right cross straight to Deidara's jaw, knocking him out cold.

When Deidara awoke he was in his childhood bedroom. Deidara tried to sit up but winced at the pounding headache he had.

"You deserve a headache," a voice said to Deidara's left.

Deidara looked over and saw Minato looking at him. The man was now in his famous white cloak that he wore after he was made Hokage. "What am I doing here?" Deidara asked.

"This is Purgatory," Minato said.

Deidara snorted, familiar with the old tales. "Bullshit."

Minato's cold blue eyes tore a hole through Deidara who had to fight off his mounting fear. He hated Minato with everything he had, but he feared him more.

"No bullshit," Minato said. "The truth is you probably deserve worse, but despite how horrible of a person you have become I have not abandoned the last of my mercy quite yet. This is a place where you have a chance to redeem your soul Deidara, and you can be assured that it is your **last** chance." The emphasis on 'last' was not missed by Deidara.

"Now what?" Deidara asked.

Minato appeared to smile at the question, although Deidara noted the smile did not reach his eyes, which had not gained any warmth.

"Well I like to consider myself an astute studier of how the human mind works. You are not, of course, the first member of your group to end up dead and I knew about you long before you died. So I had a lot of time to think about this, but ultimately the idea I have worked out for you didn't fully form until just a few hours ago." Minato paced around the room for a few moments, collecting his thought.

"Then an idea came to me. One of my better ones too, and that's saying something," Minato started again. "I am going to make you live your life until you get it right. You have so much self-pity and you use this self-pity to arm yourself against innocent people. That's not acceptable to me, Deidara. You have always sought the easy way out of life. No more." Minato never raised his voice, nor was it ever required. His words held a power all of their own.

Deidara could not, no matter how desperately he tried, tear his eyes away from Minato's blue orbs. There was something about the now pitiless eyes that kept Deidara's gaze locked with Minato.

"I don't think you are supposed to look at other men like that, Deidara," Minato joked. Instantly tension was broken and Deidara's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. His fear had been misconstrued for something else.

"Our time is growing short. I have a meeting with my accountant to discuss separating something and filling in something with something else. Honestly at this point I think I pay him just to shut up and let me leave the meeting," Minato muttered.

"You can't leave me. I don't know what I am going to do!"

Minato rolled his eyes. "The man says he hates me, now he is getting clingy. I am starting to wonder about you, Deidara."

"T-that's not what I meant! I don't know what I am supposed to do to pass this shitty test of yours, hm!" Deidara screamed.

"Exactly," Minato said.

"What does that even mean you bastard!" Deidara screamed, again.

"You always wanted the answers to life, didn't you? You had to be handed everything. That's not what life is about Deidara. Life is about learning for yourself. In life you make a mistake, learn from that mistake, and then realize later that the mistake which tore you up inside made you a better man. You are going to learn or you are going to be miserable forever. You aren't going to get it right the first time. Or the second. If you get it right in the first one thousand tries I would be shocked. As you continuously fail, you will be placed here once more to try again. As the eons pass and worlds go dark, so shall your memories distort, fade, and burn away. Once the outer layer of your existence is peeled away only the center, the soul, will remain. You will eventually succeed in the task and be freed, if your soul has goodness left in it. However, if your soul is as rotten as you appear to be, you will damn yourself" Minato paused for a moment, and when he spoke again the cold look had left his eyes and his demeanor had lost its hard edge. "I'll be watching you. Not often, but every now and again. I will either be smiling as you do better or be laughing at your failure. Either way I win, it is just a matter of if you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution."

Deidara appeared deep in thought after Minato finished talking. His eyes were downcast and a frown had worked its way onto his face.

Minato had no way of knowing what Deidara was thinking, but he could have given a pretty good guess.

After a long silence Deidara spoke. "So, which is it? Am I going to succeed or am I going to fail, hm."

"If I knew the answer to that question, you wouldn't be here," Minato answered.

Deidara looked up to retort but found himself alone. He shouted for Minato a few times but no reply ever came. Deidara sat on his bed for a long time and thought about what he was going to do. Eventually he decided that he did not need anyone else telling him how to do things. He tried to emulate his old life but slipped up a few days later, implying knowledge he had no way of knowing. His first death was for treason and it was a slow one. His second, third, and fourth were also for treason. His Nine hundred and thirty-third death was when he blew himself up trying to make a new type of clay bomb.

Deidara of Iwa was going to be busy for quite some time.

* * *

**A/N**: So this is basically my longest chapter to date and I am pleased with it. I wrote this in about four days time and it just felt right. Very little in the way of editing was required, which is always nice. I know some people weren't too in love with my previous chapter, but when I get all of the stuff that bogs down my mind out of the way I can have chapters like this. So I hope those who didn't find last chapter very good enjoyed this one. If not, as always leave a review and tell me how horrible I am. Or leave a review and tell me how awesome I am, I am not very picky when it comes to reviews, after all. Not much else to say since it hasn't been too long since I last updated. Of note in my personal live is that I turned twenty four nine days ago so I am now closer to my grave! Luckily for me I am a pal of the Shinigami so he should show me mercy. 'Cause you know, he is known for his mercy.

Edit Note: If you notice any small errors, like missing words, please do note them for me so I can catch them. I don't have my normal editor for this chapter and its quite big. I appreciate it.

**Kiyomi-Chan7 - **Well, while I am not one to have much cuddling in my story I did draw some inspiration from this review in certain parts of the last scene. I hope you enjoy them.

**Poll of the Chapter: Who would you like to see make a cameo in the next chapter? It can be anyone in the entire canon of Naruto dead or alive. Most votes wins. **

I really worked my ass off on this chapter for once, so please feel free to feed my ego with a good review or smash it with a bad one, but I'd really like to know what you think.

Until next time.

~ Chris


	37. Yes, Naruto Does In Fact Appear

**Chapter 35: Yes, Naruto Does In Fact Appear This Chapter**

* * *

**White Space**

Minato was at his desk looking over a whole hell of a lot of paperwork. Well, more specifically it was paperwork that had a lot do to with hell, but that was just being nitpicky. It appeared that by creating a pseudo-Iwa he had used a lot of power from the universe. He thought it was really awesome. The people in charge of accounting for the power usage seemed less enthused than he was. The paperwork had more mentions of the word reckless than his entire sealed case file that was sitting somewhere in the Hokage office. _That _file averaged one reckless every five words.(1)

"Judge-sama, I know you have a responsibility; one that all of us in accounting have tremendous respect for," The accountant that Minato had tried to block out said. The man coughed lightly, shuffled the papers in front of him until he found what he was looking for, and said, "You used three times your power allotment for the year. That is simply unprecedented." The accountant paused for a moment. "Not to mention extremely reckless."

Minato sighed. The man in front of him could have had 'Tedious' as a name tag and Minato wouldn't have skipped a beat. Every once in a great while he would have to meet with him to discuss what he did in the afterlife. Before this Minato had been surprised about how the accountant had never had a single problem with any of his judgments. It seemed his way of judging the soul was far less taxing on the universe's power than anyone had ever thought possible. The method that Minato called a personal touch the accounting department called economical.

Minato put on his best diplomatic face and said, "I understand that I went overboard. I understand and accept any responsibility for my actions. However, I am a busy man. While I am sure I deserve every moment of berating you have given me I would like to simply move past this. What damage have I caused and what can I do to make restitution?"

The accountant suddenly looked nervous. "I, um, well it is hard to exactly figure out the damage that your recklessness has caused you see…" The accountant said, obviously holding something back.

Minato's eyes narrowed. "Ballpark it for me," he said dangerously.

The accountant tugged at the collar of his shirt. "Well, _technically _speaking there wasn't actually any damage," the accountant said as mildly as he could.

"So we've been having this conversation for…" Minato paused and made a gesture to the accountant.

The accountant, too afraid to not to play along, looked at his watch and spoke, "Five hours, Judge-sama."

"Five hours. We have been here for five hours discussing my, and I quote, 'reckless use of power'. Why is it reckless if there is no consequence from it?"

The accountant opened his mouth to speak but promptly shut it and got a pensive look on his face.

Minato looked murderous. "Please do not tell me that this is the first time the question has occurred to you."

The accountant winced as if in physical pain. Which he very well could be before this conversation comes to an end.

Minato removed the reading glasses he had been using to look over all of the small print in the paperwork and shut his eyes as he pinched the bridge. "So, why exactly have we been having this conversation?"'

The accountant took a steadying breath before saying, "It is the entire point of accounting, sir."

Minato opened his eyes and gave the accountant an incredulous look. "Excuse me?"

"You see sir, all accounting really does is tell you what's there. If you happen to have a book we'll be glad to tell you if it is right or wrong, but otherwise we just look at stuff and say 'yup, it's there.' For mortal banks and businesses this is, at times, complicated work that is more time consuming than anything else. You have to verify every transaction and make sure the books are correct. You don't have books sir. There are no funds to be had here. So all I can do is tell you what you used, and since it's a big number it seemed right to call it reckless. That and I'm paid by the Shinigami every time I say the word reckless."

Minato twitched. "**SHINIGAMI!"**He yelled.

The Shinigami was there instantly. "Not so loud, Minato-kun, you know I have sensitive ears."

Minato twitched again.

The Shinigami rolled his eyes. "It appears Minato is in one of his moods. You may go now Dara. Thank you for your services as always. Give my love to Molly."

The accountant ran out of the white space as fast as his legs would carry him. How he actually got out, no one knows.

Minato raised an eyebrow, his rage forgotten for the moment. "Molly? You are telling me that guy has a _wife_?"

The Shinigami sat down in the chair that Dara the accountant had just left unoccupied and shook his head. "Of course not. However in life Dara lusted after a woman he believed to be fictional(2). As you already know, fiction is nothing but an alternate universe refracted into another. Long story short, I own his soul and he gets to spend all his down time talking to a woman he worshipped for years."

Minato wrinkled his nose. "That is incredibly creepy."

"You and Kushina make me puke on a regular basis, don't throw stones behind your glass desk, Minato-kun."

Minato began to roll his eyes but stopped. He had gotten distracted. "So, about that whole 'I get paid to mention you being reckless' thing that the accountant brought up."

The Shinigami's eyes bored into Minato for a moment before he shrugged. "I found it funny. The day I need further justification for anything I do is the day I reap myself." Before Minato could respond the Shinigami held up a hand. "You have other matters to attend to. Your queue button is glowing." Without further notice the Shinigami disappeared from the White Space.

Minato heaved a mighty sigh and glared at the queue button. It was indeed aglow. He was tempted to just smash it against the ground to spite the Shinigami, but he knew he'd ultimately be the one paying the price for the useless gesture. With another smaller sigh Minato pressed the queue button.

The man in front of Minato was a familiar face. He had many wrinkles on his face, although some were from stress than old age. He was not a handsome man, but his eyes had a self-assured confidence radiating from them. He was smiling slightly, as if recalling a fond memory. Perhaps because he was.

"Only the best for the great Jiraiya-sama I see," Jiraiya said loftily.

Minato leapt over his desk and delivered a bone-crushing hug to his former master.

Jiraiya was taken aback. However, he did not show it as he returned the hug just as fiercely.

When they pulled apart Minato said, "We have much to discuss, Jiraiya-sensei**.**"

Jiraiya nodded gravely. "Aye lad, we do."

* * *

**Konoha**

Kakashi giggled as he flipped to another page in his erotic novel. He had to hand it to Obito, the boy had been ahead of his time when it came to having adoration for books such as Icha Icha. He was currently re-reading Icha Icha Tactics, the third installation of his favorite book series. It had been a gift from his now favorite pupil, Uzumaki Naruto. Now, while he would never say Naruto was his favorite out loud it should have been obvious to all who knew Kakashi that anyone who gave him such a kind and thoughtful gift would naturally rise in his esteem. Kakashi read another line and burst into giggles once again. He really did like this book.

Kakashi's reading was interrupted by Naruto coming up to him, panting.

Kakashi lowered his prized book and took stock of Naruto. Naruto had come a very long way since they had begun this training. Although Kakashi never said so out loud, as pride only got in the way of training hard, he could see more and more of Minato in Naruto every day. The young man was becoming truly frightening. The best part was that Naruto refused to really acknowledge it. He didn't care how strong he was, just as long as he had enough strength to protect his precious people. Minato would have smiled at that mentality, so matching his own.

At the moment, however, Naruto was a sweaty mess. He had been training very hard since they got back from their most recent mission. His damaged arm had not slowed down his will to improve himself at all.

"What is it that you need, Naruto-kun?" Kakashi asked in his usual bored tone.

"Well, Kakashi-sensei, I was wondering if you could teach me another training technique. That last one really did the trick!" Naruto said enthusiastically.

Kakashi immediately saw the cleverness behind Naruto's simple request. The blonde was kissing his ass to try to get his way. How cute.

Kakashi eye-smiled at Naruto and for a brief moment Naruto had thought he had secured himself another training method. Then Kakashi replied. "Naruto-kun, do you remember the last time you interrupted your wonderful sensei's reading time?" Kakashi said sweetly.

Before Kakashi could finish his sentence Naruto was standing behind a tree a good one hundred feet where he had previously been.

Kakashi's smile got bigger. He yelled, "I see that you do remember. That's good. Would you like to ask me again about that training?"

Naruto shook his head very vigorously and practically ran from Kakashi's presence.

Kakashi let out a soft chuckle and turned his attention back to his book. A few moments later he was once again giggling like a schoolgirl.

* * *

**Location Unknown **

Itachi and Kisame were heading towards an old Uchiha hideout with a specific purpose in mind: for Itachi to battle his brother for the final time. An hour earlier the two had made camp for the night, planning to finish their journey in the morning.

Kisame looked over at his partner and was surprised to see how calm the man was. Itachi never seemed to be bothered by anything, but he was about to do one of the most important things that any man could do with his life. "Hey Itachi, are you ready for this?" Kisame asked.

Itachi's gaze snapped to Kisame. To the other man's credit he did not so much as twitch from the oppressive stare. "What do I have to be nervous about, Kisame? I finished the others. This one is no different."

Kisame grinned toothily at Itachi's response. "Oh come now, we both know that isn't true. This is the final one. One you've put off for quite some time."

Itachi grunted and said, "You have a point. Still, I am confident in my abilities."

"You said that last time, but you still didn't finish the job," Kisame said with perhaps more bite than even he intended.

Itachi's eyes whirled, showing his displeasure at Kisame's cheek.(3)

Kisame put up his hands in apology, not wanting to anger the Uchiha. He quickly decided to change subjects. "So, are you ready then?"

Itachi's pinwheel eyes stopped spinning and he nodded. "As I said previously, I am ready."

Kisame stood up and nodded back. "Well, this is probably going to be the most important day in your life. The day you learn the final and most potent thin razor wire technique!" Kisame exclaimed with an unnatural amount of enthusiasm.

Itachi stayed seated on his log.

Kisame sighed. "Itachi, you will never learn the most important lesson of thin razor wire techniques if you do not exhibit emotion about the subject."

Itachi merely tilted his head slightly.

"You aren't even trying are you?" Kisame asked.

"Nope," Itachi said.

"You know the final technique for the thin razor wire is to enjoy using the thin razor wire. So why do you not put in an effort to enjoy yourself?" Kisame asked.

Itachi bounced up from his log and gave Kisame a small, genuine smile and said, "Because I think it would diminish your enjoyment to know someone else in the world is as good at thin razor wire techniques as you are. I have come far under your tutelage, but to go farther seems unfair to you. I thank you for your time and patience. You have been a good partner. If there is anything I can do for you, let me know."

Kisame was taken aback by the sincerity in Itachi's voice. He knew his partner was not quite the monster he made himself out to be, but never questioned his reasons. The dark-haired man had been loyal to their group since he had joined, even if he did have his quirks. Kisame also knew that Itachi's health was failing him. Sasuke may have been a punk, but he was a talented punk with a healthy body. Kisame would never say it out loud, but he worried for his friend. Although, Itachi did just offer him something. It was probably a good idea to cash in on that before the man battled his younger brother.

"Anything huh," Kisame said. He rubbed his chin thought for a moment. "I know exactly what I want. You kept taking those dead girls to your room after you fucked up the thin razor wire techniques when you first started out. Why did you do that? We all speculated what you were doing with them. In fact, we were even convinced that you did sexual things that… involved them. I want a straight answer."

Itachi rolled his eyes. It always came back to the dead bodies. "I actually wanted you to believe I was having sex with them. It was better than the truth. In an organization such as ours it is better to be thought of as insane rather than show weakness. Look into my eyes if you wish to know the truth, Kisame."

Kisame hesitated for a moment, usually careful to avoid the man's eyes. Upon consideration, he figured that if Itachi wanted him dead it'd be done while he was sleeping, and so he looked into Itachi's eyes.

Then his world turned to black.

Kisame opened his eyes and was suddenly aware that the world around him was startlingly in focus. He knew immediately that he was within Itachi's illusion.

"In my realm every sense is heightened. It is useful when inflicting pain upon others," Itachi said from behind.

Kisame scrambled to his feet and looked around. They were in Itachi's quarters. "Why are we here?" Kisame asked.

"Look for yourself," Itachi responded.

Kisame did in fact decide to look around. The sight in front of him startled him. It was Itachi focusing intently on a newly dead girl. His hand was on one of her breasts and he was muttering to himself. After a moment the body began to morph. The process finally stopped and what was left was a life size doll of the woman. Her features had changed drastically. Her eyes were now very big, and she had an inhuman smile upon her face. Where she had been a dead body before, she was now a lifeless doll that looked like it was made in a factory rather than with a dead body. Itachi sat the doll down across from him and went to his kitchen area to put on some tea.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Kisame muttered.

The Itachi of the past returned with tea and sat a cup down in front of the doll. The doll made no move to take the tea. Itachi didn't seem offended however and started to talk about his day with the doll.

"I used all of the women that I killed in the same fashion," Itachi said. "As the years went by I missed my family more and more, despite being at peace with what I had done. So I took people whose lives were forfeit anyway and-" Itachi was cut off by Kisame.

"You had tea time with dolls, Itachi," Kisame said bluntly.

Itachi's body went rigid. "That isn't how I would put it."

Kisame pointed to the doll. "Doll." He pointed to the cup of tea. "Tea." He made a whirling motion with his finger in the air. "Time is passing. You are _literally_sitting down for tea with a doll to discuss your day. I think you were right; the story about you screwing the dead bodies was less harmful to your reputation."

Itachi gave Kisame a baleful glare. "I believe you will find that no harm will come to my reputation."

Kisame snorted. "You've got to be joking. There is no way in the world that I am going to keep this secret. The others are going to find this hilarious."

"Did you forget where you stand, Kisame-kun?" Itachi said, his voice dripping with venom.

Kisame's eyes widened. "Now Itachi, there's no need to do something you will regret," Kisame said in what he hoped was a reasonable voice.

Itachi snorted. Itachi noted that seemed to worry Kisame. Good, it should. "Do something I will regret? I murdered nearly my entire extended family. I have played the role of betrayer to the country I love out of honor and respect for a man who died fifteen years ago. Now I go to my death in the hope that my brother will be made whole once more. I have manipulated him for the sole purpose of giving him a villain to hate. His hatred will guide him, and when he kills me his heart will be set free."

Kisame couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You… all this time…" Kisame choked out.

"Yes," Itachi confirmed. "All this time." Itachi stepped towards Kisame, his eyes spinning. "And you will remember none of it."

Hours later Kisame woke up to see that dawn had just started to break. He looked to his left to see Itachi was already awake with a pensive look on his face.

Itachi turned to Kisame. "Let's go. Your laziness has already cost us time." With those words Itachi began to walk out of the clearing.

Kisame grunted. That guy was as cold as they came; the bastard couldn't even let a man get his rest. Kisame sighed and followed his partner to their destination.

* * *

**Back with Minato and Jiraiya **

Jiraiya kept looking around the White Space with an annoyed look on his face. It was obvious that he didn't enjoy the accommodations very much.

"Not a fan of white either, huh?" Minato said more than asked.

Jiraiya nodded. "Yeah, this is pretty creepy. I expected more women waiting for me. I am glad to see you again kid, but I still had certain expectations."

Minato rolled his eyes. "You have an eternity to ogle and try to romance all of the women you could ever hope to Jiraiya-sensei. We have business to discuss." When Minato mentioned business his voice dropped in tone and his demeanor became more serious.

Jiraiya eyed Minato skeptically. "Not one to doubt you Minato, but you do realize we are both dead, right? Whatever we may have been able to do to the Akatsuki with the knowledge we have won't do us any good here. We just have to leave it up to Naruto and the rest of his friends now."

Minato shook his head. "I was not referring to the living world. Not entirely anyway. I have to show you something, and its on the other side of this place. Akatsuki is actually not my biggest concern at the moment. I have come across something else that is worrying me."

Jiraiya mentally grimaced. The last time he had heard the word "worry" come out of Minato's mouth was right before the young man had been forced to slaughter ten thousand enemy ninja in the last great shinobi war. If Minato was worried, shit was about to hit the fan.

"Yeah, sure. I don't know what could be more important than the Akatsuki but I've learned to trust you on stuff like this," Jiraiya said, obviously disturbed by Minato's vague explanation. Knowing that would be explained shortly, Jiraiya decided to tackle another mystery that was bothering him. "So, why were you the first person I saw when I died?"

And so Minato had to spend a very long time explaining to his mentor what exactly had happened the night of his death and most everything that had happened since. Jiraiya was, for the most part, stunned into silence by hearing about all of the ancient people his first pupil had met while dead, and how he had judged such legendary shinobi as Hanzo. Jiraiya had tried to pry more information out of him about Hanzo, but all Minato would say was that was a story for another day and wave him off, which only served to annoy Jiraiya. Finally Minato began to talk about his judgments of Akatsuki.

"Threw the old bastard into an endless ocean?" Jiraiya let out a soft whistle. "You have not lost your touch. I see you have made a fine judge, just as you made a fine Hokage," Jiraiya complimented.

Minato smiled at his teacher. No matter how old he got and how experienced he was, he never tired of hearing genuine compliments from the man who he saw as the father he never had. "Thank you, sensei. When we get back from what I need to show you I'll let you visit the Iwa of the future I built. That was expensive, according to my accountant," Minato said without a care.

"Hey, is that it?" Jiraiya asked, pointing to a giant blue pillar in front of them.

"Yup, that's it," Minato said. "Let me explain why we are here. It all started with the second Hokage. He made a mistake. A very stupid mistake. He thought he was better than he actually was. Thought himself clever. He thought he, more than any other living being, had the right to pull back the dead from their rest. He was a fool." Somewhere in the afterlife the second Hokage was throwing darts at the image of Minato.

"Impure World Resurrection," Jiraiya said, knowing of the technique.

"Right," Minato responded. "With this technique it is possible to summon the souls of the dead back into the world of the living. Orochimaru took this technique as his own and completed it. Still, there were limits to what the technique was able to handle and although dangerous to the balance of the afterlife, Orochimaru never had grand designs for the technique. It was just a useful tool. Unfortunately his apprentice saw the potential within it."

At that statement Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Kabuto? He didn't seem like that much of a threat the last time I saw him. Talented to be sure, but nothing to be worried about."

"It's always the quiet ones. He has taken the technique much further than either of the two former practitioners. That's where the problem is going to come in." Minato made a gesture to the blue pillar in front of him. "This pillar is going to fix the problem. I am not going to allow some brat who thinks he can play at God to take even a _single_soul merely to screw with the world." Minato turned his attention back to the pillar. "This pillar controls how the spirit world interacts with the living world. All I need to do is figure a way so that Kabuto can only take part of a soul instead of all of it when he summons them. I don't think it will weaken the technique on his end, but it will keep the souls safe."

Jiraiya tried to keep up, but he had to admit to himself that he was in over his head here. "What do you need me for, Minato? I don't have much of a grasp of anything you just said. I just walked through the door here, cut an old man a break."

Minato rolled his eyes. "I was with you for years Jiraiya, I know better than to let you get all depressed on me. You are a great man, and you can be of much use as you are about to see." Minato put his hands together and a moment later a few seals appeared on the pillar. The white seals were few and far in between and appeared rather simple in design.

"You must be losing your touch Minato if you need me for that. I don't recognize them off the top of my head but this appears to be very minor work."

Minato scowled at Jiraiya. "Man sensei, could you not underestimate me all the time? It really hurts my feelings," Minato said with his best hurt voice. It did not fool Jiraiya. "No, the reason I am asking for your help is you know just as much about seals as I do, maybe more, and this is not a one man job. So let me make this official: You are going to help me solve this problem. That is your judgment."

"I still don't understand-" Jiraiya was interrupted by the snapping of Minato's fingers.

Suddenly the White Space was white no more. It was now pitch black except for one minor detail. As far as Jiraiya could see complex seals were written on the floor in white. Jiraiya cursed under his breath, never having seen anything like this before in his entire life.

"Like I said," Minato said with a hint of amusement in his voice, "Not a one person job."

* * *

**Footnotes**

(1) Incidentally, Konoha had to replace its entire inventory of typewriters every time a Minato mission report would need to be drawn up. This was due to the fact that the letter R kept getting broken by _careless_ secretaries who, for whatever strange reason, really had developed quite a loathing for the letter any time Minato got back from a mission.

(2) Molly is a character from the book series The Dresden Files, which is amazing. However, she is mentioned here because she just so happens to be smoking hot and a big star trek geek. She also, quite possibly, has more mental issues than an entire loony bin. That doesn't stop my friend from adoring her though.

(3) This refers to Kisame's terrible sense of humor, rather than Kisame's pale blue cheek that is on his face, which Itachi also has some unresolved issues with.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh hey, I actually updated again! My long term readers will remember when I actually update more than once every few months, it means I am on a roll. Well truth be told I finished reading the latest _Dresden Files_ book and I felt inspired. Fantastic book series. Anyway with this chapter we embark on a new plot point which a lot of people have reviewed about: That whole bringing back dead characters thing. Yeah, that needs to be resolved. Who better to help Minato out than the great Jiraiya? Also I know I may have taken a little bit of liberty with the timeline in this chapter, but the Manga is pretty tightly compressed at this point so I needed a little bit of wiggle room. Hopefully I didn't make it explode too badly or anything. A lot of people enjoyed the Iwa I created. I'll keep that in mind. Unlike the accountant, I don't have a problem bringing out my big guns if everyone enjoys it. That was a very consistent theme in the reviews: Alt-Iwa was awesome. I'll for sure use the concept later down the line now that I know its a fan favorite.

Next chapter is going to have a ton of Shinigami. Like, he's going to be majorly involved in almost every scene! So I hope you guys like the Shinigami. He's going to be torturing Sasuke. Torturing Itachi. Torturing Madara. Hell he'll even torture Zabuza for failing him. Shinigami is going to run wild.

**Poll**: **What is your favorite type of cookie? This is seriously, seriously important to the plot of this story and will have ramifications. **

A lot of people fed my ego last chapter and showered me with praise. I thank you for your kind words.

Until next time.

~ Chris


	38. Putting Death Into Perspective

**Chapter 36: Putting Death Into Perspective**

* * *

**The White Space**

Paperwork had new competition on Minato's list of things he despised. He and Jiraiya had been working on the complex network of seals for hours now and they had made very little progress. Which was the kind way of saying they had made no progress. This was going to be a terribly boring day to follow Minato, but alas not even the afterlife of a judge of the dead can be exciting every chapter.

Minato was running very fast to check on a specific seal when he attempted to run over the Shinigami.

Luckily for the man in question, the Shinigami stumbled only for a brief second before quickly righting himself. He looked at Minato and tilted his head. His favorite minion looked very haggard. He also had a very sullen look on his face, suggesting that he hadn't been screwed in days. The Shinigami decided to save his vast stores of cruelty for the Uchiha bloodline and said, "Minato-kun you know I am never one to pry, but I could have sworn I hired you to judge souls rather than to work on arts and crafts with your father figure. Now on the other hand if you need me to find Kushina and lock the two of you into a bedroom for an undisclosed amount of time to work through your whole 'being a weak mortal' thing I'd be more than glad to." The Shinigami was proud of himself; he faked generosity so well.

Minato shook his head, blushing. "No, that's quite alright. The work we are doing here is actually pretty important. Although, don't tell Kushina I said that."

The Shinigami made a mental note to inform Kushina her husband had said that as soon as possible. "Of course I won't, Minato-kun," the Shinigami lied easily.

Minato eyed the Shinigami suspiciously before shrugging; he knew any argument with his boss would only end in a headache for him. "Right, anyway this is really important and I am sure you have better things to do than hang around here."

The Shinigami was not used to obvious rejection and felt something move inside of him that made him quite uncomfortable. For a moment he feared he may have felt an emotion but then remembered what he had for lunch. He knew he should have deep fried that soul instead of eating it raw. "Very well Minato-kun, good luck in your endeavor."

The Shinigami, knowing when to depart, returned to his office for a little down time.

* * *

**Shinigami's Office**

The Shinigami sipped on the tea he had prepared and took out his day planner. The Shinigami, contrary to everything he did, said, and thought, was not one to do something for pure whimsy. No, the Shinigami always had a plan.(1) Plans were awesome.(2) Step one: write something down. Anything at all would suffice; sometimes he just wrote down a grocery list. Be assured though, it was an _evil_ grocery list. Step two: Laugh maniacally. If there wasn't a sense of dread washing over the universe before his plan was put into action, the Shinigami just wasn't living up to his own standards. Step three: Take action. The second most important step, behind the evil laughter, is where the Shinigami's plans came to fruition, some assembly and blood required. It was a process and one that worked well for the god of death. In the event that it didn't he just stabbed something with a rusty butter knife forged in the heart of a dying galaxy until it was either stabbed to dust or there was blood everywhere. Someone might wonder what stabbing something – or someone- might have to do with the plan. For that matter someone also might question why it was strictly necessary to use a _butter knife_ forged in the heart of a dying galaxy. These both might well in fact be very good questions, but unfortunately at this time that very someone is currently being stabbed with a rusty butter knife forged in the heart of a dying galaxy. What an unlucky coincidence.

The Shinigami opened his day planner and let out a sigh. He had nothing planned for the day. In fact, he had nothing planned for this entire week aside from his usual fun with Madara. The Shinigami viewed torturing Madara like a small, disobedient child might view playing with his or her food. The difference between them was that there was more of a chance of the carrots leaping off of the plate and killing the child than Madara ever had of harming the Shinigami. However there was only so much torturing that could be done to an egotistical madman with delusions of immortality before he decides that life isn't worth living and does something regrettable like commit suicide. If that happened the Shinigami couldn't make Madara's life miserable anymore, and that would be a sad day indeed.

The Shinigami understood his main problem quite clearly. He had been very busy at one point and had decided it would be a good idea to not take on so much torturing at one time, thus showing he did not in fact have perfect judgment. Now he had nothing on his to do list; said to do list being formatted into two columns with the first saying 'torture' and the second having a person's name. He had either decided that he more pressing matters or he had settled on delegating the tasks to other people in his stead. It was time to take the reins once more. The Shinigami opened a portal to the mortal world and stepped through it.

* * *

**Uchiha Battle Site**

Upon arrival the Shinigami was greeted with a very boring sight. Uchiha Itachi and Uchiha Sasuke were having a staring match to the death; the death of everything entertaining and exciting, to be exact. He walked between them and waved a bony hand in front of both of their faces. Neither one blinked. This was not what the Shinigami would call fun. The threshold for fun involved a lot more suffering than this and at least a bucket of blood. Each. He spotted Bertha watching what supposedly passed for a battle from a folding chair approximately twenty feet from where the two were staring at each other.

Bertha was her usual attractive cat-girl self. She had a blue dress shirt on which appeared ready to burst from the seam the moment the cat-girl took in a deep breath. She had on a loose-fitting tie that curved along with her breasts and barely touched her stomach underneath them. To go along with the top she wore a grey skirt and her legs were crossed in an almost suggestive manner. It would have been any man's dream if not for the intense expression on her face. She was currently scribbling furiously onto a notepad that was in her lap and wore a harsh frown on her face, as if she couldn't quite figure something out. She looked between the two Uchiha and let out a breath. She was clearly frustrated. Her day was not about to get any better.

"Ah, Bertha-chan, I see you are still hard at work on the task I assigned you," The Shinigami said from behind Bertha. He had taken the opportunity to sneak up on the cat-girl because he thought it might provide an amusing reaction. He was not disappointed.

Bertha screamed out in sheer terror, a perfectly normal reaction when Death itself walks up for a chat, and fell out of her chair right onto her firm ass. It did not take her long to realize who had been speaking and she blushed in embarrassment. Mentally chiding herself for her unprofessional conduct, she picked herself up off the ground and brushed herself off. She squared her shoulders, put on her sexiest smile, and said, "Ah, Shinigami-sama. I didn't expect you here. I am not prepared to give you an evaluation quite yet."

The Shinigami waved her off. "No need. I have already looked over your progress."

Bertha stilled at the casual comment. It was not good when the Shinigami showed initiative into anything you were doing. The Shinigami did _nothing _without reason.(3)

"Is something the matter with my work, sir?" Bertha asked, more than a little worried. She had every right to be.

"Indeed there is," The Shinigami said, "I am not the one doing it."

"Excuse me?" Bertha questioned, confused.

The Shinigami chuckled, causing Bertha to shudder. The Shinigami had seen people look more cheerful on their deathbeds than Bertha looked then. He had to hand it to her; she was a smart little cat-girl. "It is funny you should choose to say that. You are indeed excused, Bertha-chan."

"You're firing me?" Bertha asked disbelievingly as her bottom lip trembled.

The Shinigami briefly wondered if he had accidentally slipped into an ancient language when he had begun to speak to the cat-girl. He tended to do that around cats. It had been fine back in ancient Egypt when their language was in fact ancient, but return trips to the Nile were never the same. It never hurt to ask. Well, never hurt _him_ at any rate. "Bertha, have I been talking in a language you are incapable of understanding?"

"No, I can understand you fine, Shinigami-sama," Bertha said.

"If you understand the words that are coming from my mouth then why pray tell are we still having this conversation?" The Shinigami peered into Bertha, waiting for a response.

"I-It's just that I have put so much effort into this. I have done so much work! I took all these wonderful notes! Want to see the notes?" She shoved her notepad out in front of her. "Please take a look at the notes!" Bertha pleaded. Either her notes were very awesome or she was very deluded.

The Shinigami took one look at the notepad and suddenly had a bad feeling that he was going to be here awhile if he didn't get creative with Bertha. Sure, he could have chopped her into bits and had some cat tail soup tonight but that would have been a waste of a resource, not to mention effort. Plus, cats didn't taste nearly as good as he would have thought. Another lesson learned in Egypt. He had been warned when he had gotten her on loan that she was very obsessive. Actually, that had been the very reason he had chosen her. What better way to torture a teenage boy than to attach an obsessed, murderous, and attractive femme fatale to the case. The problem here turned out to be that she had traded in her murderous nature for a notepad. The god of death couldn't simply state his problem though; that's just not how talking to women worked.

"Bertha-chan, kindly put the notepad down. I am merely reassigning you. Your efforts have given me many ideas on how to personally torture your subject. I trust you are not offended that I believe I am more capable of personally handling this boy than you are?" The Shinigami made it clear what the correct answer was as he casually sharpened his scythe while waiting for the cat-girl to reply.

Bertha eyed the scythe and said, "No, of course it isn't a slight against me to say you are better than me. I am honored you would even think to use one of my ideas."

The Shinigami clapped his hands together causing Bertha to jump a good two feet off the ground. "I am glad we can agree then. You can go back to your masters at the talent agency and tell them that you have performed your duties well. In fact, if you get out of my sight within the next minute you can be assured I will report that you deserve full marks for this assignment."

Bertha beamed at the Shinigami and moved to hug him.

"Touch me and the only thing you will be given from me is the ability to play dead _very_ convincingly," the Shinigami threatened.

Bertha was gone before he had finished speaking.

"Ah, peace at last." The Shinigami looked over at the two Uchiha. "Well, for me at least." The Shinigami snapped two bony fingers and the Wheel of Uchiha Doom appeared next to him. Unlike the normal Wheel of Doom this one was, surprisingly, tailored to suit the needs of exclusively the Uchiha family. It was this type of personal touch that made the Shinigami famous throughout all worlds. Well, that and he killed everyone.

The Shinigami decided to start with the elder brother, Itachi, and gave the Wheel of Uchiha Doom a spin to see what his fate would be. The wheel spun at a frantic pace for several moments before slowing down and then finally stopping. The Shinigami was forced to squint to see what option had been chosen as the text for it was very small.

_Doomed to be killed by the only person in the world he still loves in such a fashion which will allow said person to be very easily manipulated by the person he hates most in this world to negate all of the careful planning and years of self-sacrifice that was solely done so that the person he loved could not be manipulated by the person he hated._

The Shinigami tilted his head. That was very specific. The Shinigami approved. He reached out and spun the wheel for Sasuke this time. Once again the wheel turned again and again until it came to a standstill. This time, the Shinigami could have been facing away from the wheel and he could have read the large print written on the space it had landed on.

_Doomed to be Uchiha Sasuke._

The Shinigami almost frowned at how boring that sounded. The cruel deity was about to spin the wheel again when his intuition told him that it was best if he didn't. The Shinigami shrugged. The Wheel of Uchiha Doom didn't like to be second guessed; it always tended to backfire on the Shinigami when he decided to re-spin the wheel.(4) The wheel seemed to always take offense and do something downright _positive_ to the subject. That was why the Shinigami always respected the wheel's wishes in matters such as this.

Of course, that is why the Shinigami always brought the Wheel of Misfortune along for occasions such as this. There is nothing wrong with complimenting one wheel with another after all. The Shinigami gave the second wheel a spin and watched it until it too slowed to a stop. The Shinigami glared at the result.

_Has the misfortune of being Uchiha Sasuke._

The Shinigami threw his arms up in the air. It appeared that fate had its plans for the youngest Uchiha and the Shinigami wasn't going to be allowed to interfere with it in any shape or form.

All of the wheel spinning had gotten Shinigami into a sour mood. Mortals had a saying of when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. The Shinigami had such a saying as well: When Life gives you lemons, torture Life by throwing him into the same room with a psychotic fox-lover until the god broke mentally. Life didn't give the Shinigami, or anyone else for that matter, lemons anymore.

While thinking of Bob made the Shinigami less bitter about his wheels betraying him, it was not enough. Someone was going to have to be tortured for this. Then the Shinigami would laugh at them while sipping on some tea. Or maybe milk. Yes, milk sounded delicious right about now. In fact, what better treat to go with milk than cookies?

The Shinigami stopped suddenly and a wicked grin formed on his face. Three galaxies away a planet exploded in direct response to this event. The god knew _exactly_ where he was going to get his cookies.

* * *

**Suna**

Gaara's head suddenly snapped up and his eyes narrowed. There was a disturbance in the Cookies. The red-head calmly got up from his desk and walked the few dozen feet to the adjoined room next to his office which he had labeled the C room. When Gaara had still had an insane demon manipulating him he had run on a seven day cycle that involved the use of the C room in some capacity.

First was "Calm." On these days, Gaara did not want to rip people apart while laughing over their freshly shredded corpses. Gaara saw these days as good signs towards his integration into normal society, and so the C room was used for arts and crafts.

Second was "Collected", which was not much different from the first day other than a nagging feeling in the back of Gaara's mind that ripping people apart while laughing over their freshly shredded corpses may in fact be worthy of further consideration. On days such as these the C room held a whiteboard which Gaara used to write "I will not murder the people that love and adore me" a thousand times.

Third was "Cranky." Instead of a nagging feeling, his entire mind was nearly overwhelmed with the pleasure he would feel when he ripped people apart while laughing over their freshly shredded corpses. The dull ache in his bones when he resisted the urge made him almost impossible to talk to during these days. The C room was used for target practice as he destroyed several training dummies in a storm of sand. At least, he would claim they were training dummies when questioned later.

Fourth was "Creative." By this point Gaara dropped all pretense of wanting to fight the urge to rip people apart while laughing over their freshly shredded corpses. On these days he would gather prisoners from the depths of Suna and usher them into the C Room for a group session of arts and crafts. The art being blood painted on the walls, and the crafts being the bones scattered all over the room. Sometimes the bones would make a shape such as a triangle; this amused Gaara.

Fifth was "Crazy." As the title implies, by this point Gaara had lost his damn mind. He would feign as much sanity as was required in order to rip people apart while laughing over their freshly shredded corpses. His advisors, always eager for his ear, would not notice anything different until the C Room's door locked and the sand vortex had begun. By the time it had ended the entire room was nothing but red and Gaara was enjoying a special treat he referred to as an Advisor Smoothie. Shaken, not stirred.

**Sixth was "Calamity." It is so vicious and terrible that the font has switched to bold. No one knows what happens on these days because there are no survivors and Gaara doesn't remember anything the following day except feeling like he swam a lot the previous day. It **_**probably**_** involved Gaara ripping people apart while laughing over their freshly shredded corpses. **

Finally, there was "Crying." While Temari scrubbed the walls of the room Gaara held his teddy bear and rocked back and forth muttering about raccoons being evil.

Whenever he had a bad day he would retreat to the room to calm himself away from anyone who might disturb him. It used to be a lot harder to control his urges. That was then, this is now. Now the C stood for "Cookies". Cookies were a source of great comfort to the current Kazekage. If he wanted to viciously murder a foolish advisor he would instead eat a cookie. Sometimes two; his advisors could be very annoying. None of his advisors had died since the process had been implemented so Gaara thought this was an awesome idea. It is possible that the lack of grisly deaths had something to do with the fact that Gaara was no longer the jailor for a vicious demon, but the thought had never occurred to Gaara during cookie time.

With no hesitation Gaara opened the C room door to see… nothing. Gaara blinked. There was nothing in the room. Then Gaara smirked, because that was exactly as he had left the room. Gaara entered the room and with a sudden burst of chakra dispelled the illusion he had placed on the room.

Suddenly a table appeared in the back of the room that had several bags of cookies placed on top of it. Gaara smiled boyishly as he inspected all of the bags. He saw all five bags of chocolate chip cookies were in place, as well as two bags of white chocolate chip that sat right next to them. He slowly moved his eyes across the table and noted that all of his snickerdoodle, peanut butter, and sugar cookies were there as well. Gaara paused after a moment and swept his eyes over the table several more times. Something was missing here, although he struggled to figure out what it was. Without taking his eyes off of the cookies Gaara shuffled to his right and took a clipboard off of the wall. The clipboard contained the inventory for this room that Gaara checked every night to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be. There had only ever been one discrepancy, which soon resulted in one bloodstain in a dark and deserted alleyway. Gaara glanced down at the clipboard and saw the problem. His bag of thin mint cookies were missing.

This was not good for Gaara's anger management issues.

Gaara did a quick sweep of the room and found no trace of a secondary exit. Someone must have snuck in right under Gaara's nose and escaped with the cookies. This was almost unimaginable to the young leader. He had put considerable effort into making sure that his hidden cookie stash was safe and sound. Now it was not. That was just all around displeasing. Things died when Gaara was displeased.

The Shinigami on the other hand was quietly enjoying _his_ bag of thin mint cookies as he watched Gaara get more and more worked up. The Shinigami didn't particularly like cookies as a rule, but knowing that these cookies belonged to Gaara and their disappearance caused the young boy distress made them much more delicious. The Shinigami took a sip of his milk before popping another one of the tasty treats into his mouth. The next part was going to be awesome. Well, for him at any rate.

Gaara took a steadying breath and realized that the cookie thief could be caught and tortured later. While he did enjoy mint, other types of cookies were certainly up to the challenge of soothing him. Gaara reached for a bag of oatmeal cookies and opened it. To his horror, there were no cookies in the bag. Gaara tried to calm his breathing by reaching for another bag, this time white chocolate macadamia nut. Gaara tore the bag open and found the same problem: there were no cookies in the bag. Gaara did this with all ninety-eight bags of cookies on the table. There was not a single cookie in the entire room. His stash had been emptied right under his nose. Was life worth living without cookies? Gaara didn't know. Then Gaara remembered he had a bag of cookies still stashed in his desk in case of emergency.(5)

Gaara rushed to his desk and ripped open the bottom most drawer, not even bothering to unlock it, to find his prized possession: A bag of snickerdoodles. Gaara's mouth watered as he grabbed the bag and ripped it open.

The bag was empty save for a single piece of paper. Gaara, his hand shaking, reached into the bag and grabbed the paper. He unfolded the paper and quickly scanned what was written on it.

_The cookies were delicious. Also as a reminder: your mother didn't love you. _

Gaara sank to his knees and screamed in despair.

The Shinigami took a deep breath, taking in the feeling of misery that Gaara was giving off with delight. While cookies were all well and good, the torment of mortals was always going to be the more delicious between the two as far as the Shinigami was concerned.

* * *

**Footnotes: **

**1: **This is a complete lie, but no one is going to tell the Shinigami that.

**2:** This, on the other hand, is a universal truth and any who dare to disagree with this are said to be struck down with either lightning, the plague, or made to eat Brussels sprouts depending on a planet's chosen deity, in order from least to most cruel.

**3:** Showing just how little Bertha the cute cat-girl knew about her employer.

**4:** Once he had decided to attempt a redo on Uchiha Madara many years ago and had gotten 'Doomed to be an asshole for way longer than anyone else could ever dream to be.'

**5:** In this case an emergency would equate to Gaara being too lazy to get up to get a cookie.

* * *

**A/N: **Well I didn't keep up my crazy pace but I have managed to sneak a chapter in before the end of the month! This was actually a bit of a reversal in my writing process. Normally I will have a lot of trouble starting a chapter but the end really got me on this one. Not so much what you see but what I cut out of it that I am going to expand in the next chapter. I promised you nothing but Shinigami, and I basically gave you nothing but the Shinigami. I like this chapter. Not too long, not too serious, just Shinigami all the time and I am happy with what I have got down here. If you agree or disagree, please review and let me know either way. Oh, speaking of reviews I hit my yearly goal of fifteen hundred way earlier than I ever expected! I really do love seeing everyone's thoughts, especially the good ones they brighten my day, although the constructive ones help me as well. New goal! Before the end of the year I want to try to make it to two thousand reviews! I view this as an impossible dream, but might as well set the review goal high since I already broke my former goal. But yeah, review, it let's me know you care!

Next chapter I am going to be back with Minato and he is going to go on a quest with Jiraiya. It will involve Hotsprings! A pissed off Kushina! Zabuza! Rin! Obito! And the return of a character that has not been seen in over twenty chapters! Dun dun dun...

**Poll: What character do you think I am going to be putting in next chapter that hasn't made an appearance in twenty chapter? First one to guess right gets a super special awesome mention in an upcoming chapter! **

Seems like a fair reward if you are clever.

Also I had to fix a minor error on September the 10th and I've noticed that not a single reviewer has gotten the question right yet. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.

Until next time.

~ Chris


	39. The Shinigami is Such a Dick

**Chapter 37: The Shinigami is Such a Dick**

* * *

**White Space Sealing Array **

Minato sat on the ground, sweat pouring out of him. Nothing he had tried gave even a brief glimmer of hope for reworking the sealing system. He had tried every mortal seal he and Jiraiya knew – that was a lot of seals – and none had responded to the large array. He had even tried to fry the whole system with his spirit energy but after several minutes it was obvious that all he was doing was putting strain on his soul, something he was wary to do after seeing firsthand how weak he was when that happened.

Jiraiya, who was in a similar state as Minato, walked over to his former student and sat down next to him. "Minato, I've never seen anything like this before," he said somberly. "No amount of sealing knowledge is going to work on this." Minato winced when Jiraiya said this, thinking the same thing. "Not only is the actual sealing unimaginably complex, but the seals are protected by something that we can't reach. I think we got the formulas right to break into the sealing matrix to configure it the way you want but…" Jiraiya let out a sigh. "Without disabling the protection we are just ramming our heads into a wall."

Minato nodded. "That is a fair assessment I'd say. Still, without you here I don't think I could have figured out that there was an extra layer of protection independent of the seal array that's around us. It leaves us with only one option." Minato sounded like he was going to be sick.

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "What option is that, kid?"

"Ask the Shinigami," Minato said simply.

The room suddenly darkened as a gigantic red door appeared a few meters away from the two. Ominous music began to play as the door slowly opened. For a moment there was nothing behind the steadily opening door. Then, suddenly, a cloaked figure appeared and the music reached a crescendo and the Shinigami stepped into the room and let out a maniacal laugh.

Jiraiya blinked and turned to Minato. "Kind of melodramatic, huh?"

"You get used to it," Minato said.

The Shinigami sent a withering glare at the two men. Jiraiya wilted a little bit while Minato rolled his eyes at the gesture.

The Shinigami pouted. He was going to have to harm Minato if he kept spreading his lack of respect to the other dead souls. That would not do. "Minato-kun, why do you mock me when you have called upon me for a favor? Does that truly seem like a wise course of action?" Not waiting for a response, he continued. "I have checked your head every time you do something particularly stupid because I have been led to believe that humans who bump their heads tend to take action involving gross amounts of stupidity," the Shinigami sucked in a large breath which caused Minato to sigh. He really just wanted this berating to be done with. He was not so lucky, of course. "-But I never see anything on your head. Why is that, Minato-kun?" This time he did look at Minato expectedly.

Minato held back a sigh. He was going to have to back down on this issue if he had any hope of convincing the Shinigami to help. He sure hoped his bullshit skills had not rusted. "Shinigami-sama, it was just a joke." Okay, that was a good start.

The Shinigami popped a cookie into his mouth. "It wasn't funny. I know enough to know jokes are supposed to be funny, Minato-kun."

Okay, so maybe not such a great start. "I was not very well known for my humor, Shinigami-sama, as you well know," Minato said with a smile on his face. He was hoping the Shinigami couldn't notice the strain of it. That was a waste of some perfectly good hope.

The Shinigami gave Minato a thoughtful expression. "I am not so sure about that. In fact, you just told a very funny joke only minutes ago."

Minato blinked. "I did?"

"Yes," the Shinigami replied.

"…And what was that?" Minato asked.

"You said that asking me to help you was a viable option. That was the funniest thing you've done since I hid your candy that one day and you kept accusing every new soul of being the thief. Oh that was amazing," the Shinigami said while grinning.

Minato pointed his finger at the Shinigami. "You!"

"Me," the Shinigami said proudly.

Minato's first reaction was to try his hand at destroying the Shinigami right then and there, his soul's health be damned. On the other hand he did have other business to conduct with the Shinigami and he could always brutally murder the Candy Thief another time, so he decided to focus on the Shinigami's casual dismissal of the situation. "I thought you would be more than glad to help Shinigami-sama," Minato said through gritted teeth. He should have known the Candy Thief couldn't be trusted.

The Shinigami looked at Minato and rolled his eyes. "Well _maybe_ if some arrogant minion of mine had actually taken my help when I so graciously offered it we wouldn't be having this conversation right now." The Shinigami shook his head in his best effort to appear regretful. He fooled no one. "Instead you rejected my kindness and I have booked my day full of very important meetings and such." The Shinigami may have been more convincing if he didn't keep popping cookies into his mouth as he spoke.

Minato got a dangerous glint in his eyes at hearing the Shinigami's excuse. "I see. That's too bad," Minato said emotionlessly.

The Shinigami raised an eyebrow at Minato's change of tactic. The Shinigami gave consideration to the fact that Minato might have actually taken the rejection well and was not in fact currently plotting something as nefarious as it was hopeless. The Shinigami knew for that to be true Minato would have actually have had to let go of his entitled and bratty nature and quickly discarded that particular theory. "Too bad you say? Please Minato-kun, do explain to me why it is too bad that I will not waste my time helping you in your pursuit of saving mortal souls which are no more important to me than your prized rock collection."

Minato frowned. He had thought the Shinigami had been impressed with the rock collection. Putting that aside for the moment he turned that frown upside down and said, "Ah, Shinigami-sama I wouldn't worry about it. For you are the great and powerful Death God! What does an entity of your stature have to worry about human souls for, right? Don't worry about it."

The Shinigami shrugged. "Sure, let's go with that. Seeya." The Shinigami disappeared with a snap of his fingers, leaving Minato gaping.

"I don't think that was the best plan I've seen out of you Minato," Jiraiya said while trying not to break out laughing.

Minato scratched the back of his head. "Ah Jiraiya-sensei, you should have more faith in your favorite student."

"I don't know... Naruto's cute face sure got me laid a lot while I was training him for those three years. All you ever got me was black eyes when you ratted me out to Tsunade. Your son was damn useful."

Minato's eyes grew cold. "I know you didn't take my son to a whore house, Jiraiya."

Jiraiya was a brave man, but him more than most knew exactly what Minato was capable of when someone crossed him. Time for damage control. "Of course not. So, what was that about having more faith in my most favorite student in the whole wide world, Namikaze Minato, the greatest Hokage to ever live?"

Minato was impressed with how thick Jiraiya decided to pile it on and let the issue slide for now. "Right. I know the Shinigami very well. I expected his reaction to the tee. It was all part of the plan, sensei. All part of the plan."

Jiraiya rubbed his chin. "I seem to recall you saying that any time you pissed off Kushina too much. That usually meant you didn't have a plan and were just going to bullshit your way out of a mess."

"Your memory is as sharp as ever, sensei," Minato said with a sigh.

* * *

**With the Shinigami**

The Shinigami was currently practicing throwing knives. He looked at the target board and considered the possibility that he could use some more practice. His thoughts were interrupted by Zabuza entering the room.

"Shinigami-sama I have completed most of the ritual. There is only one more thing… what in the hell are you doing?" Zabuza asked as he took in the Shinigami holding throwing knives and facing a wall with a beautiful red headed woman glaring at him with a look that would most certainly kill him if it wasn't already too late for the job. Her mouth was gagged so she couldn't speak and the wall around her was littered with knives.

"Well I am _supposed_ to be throwing these knives into gooey soul parts, but alas my aim appears to be off today," the Shinigami said with a frown.

"Um, why are you throwing knives at her?" Zabuza questioned.

The Shinigami chuckled darkly. "That is no _her_, Zabuza-kun. It is just the form that I make him take to further humiliate him."

Zabuza blinked and turned his attention back to the thing that was trapped against the wall. "What is it then?"

"Half of the Kyuubi, of course," the Shinigami said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Zabuza's mouth would have hit the floor if it was capable of it. He blinked stupidly for a few seconds as he stared at the slender body that was supposed to be the Kyuubi. He then burst out laughing.

Kyuubi spit out the gag in rage. "**How dare you laugh in my presence? You should bow down before my might!**" Kyuubi yelled out in a distinctly feminine voice.

Zabuza was now bent at the waist from laughing so hard. _Probably_ not what the Kyuubi had in mind when he requested that Zabuza bow before him, though. "He even talks like a girl! Oh that's too much." Zabuza continued to shake with laughter.

The Kyuubi would have followed up with another enraged shout but thought better of it considering how Zabuza had reacted to the first one.

The Shinigami grinned his usual wicked grin. "Yes, I must confess that I thought myself particularly clever for this one. Took some work to replicate the Kyuubi's mind into what should have been just a mess of chakra, but I always did consider myself an overachiever." The Shinigami remembered what Zabuza had come to him for and added, "Now what is this about the ritual?"

Zabuza coughed and straightened himself. He made a note to laugh more at the Kyuubi's expense later. "Right. There is just one minor complication." Zabuza paused to wonder if anyone had ever said that and actually meant the complication was actually minor. Probably not. "As you know the ritual called for a Bone of the Father," Zabuza said. "The problem is that it is an ancient relic that is not kept in the afterlife. It is kept in the realm of the In Between. Y'know, where soulless monsters lurk and where the gods have no dominion." Zabuza mentally commended himself for not pissing his pants just for saying its name.

The Shinigami twirled a throwing knife in his hand as he thought. What he was thinking about was up for debate, however. Given the conversation some might assume that the Shinigami was thinking about the situation with the relic. Smart money was still on torture though.

After a long pause the Shinigami said, "This works out rather well, actually. Minato-kun has wanted my help in regards to some random problem of his and it just so happens that what he wants is in the very same place as what I want. How convenient." The Shinigami paused for a moment to adjust the lampshade on his desk before continuing. "Yes, this will work out splendidly. I will have to make preparations for Minato-kun, however. This journey is not going to be pleasant. Not that I particularly care about Minato-kun's happiness but I have found that his whining voice has the unfortunate property of annoying me."

Zabuza cut past the snark, which he found amusing, to the the heart of the matter: The Shinigami said something wasn't going to be pleasant. This was a god that delighted openly in torture and mayhem. He had higher standards when it came to stuff like this. His boss, Minato that is, hadn't put a strain on his soul since he had nearly shred himself against Bob. He knew all too well that if he hadn't been there Minato would have certainly been erased from existence. "I'm going with him," Zabuza stated.

"Of course you are," the Shinigami said agreeably.

"I said I am going with him and that's final- wait what?" Zabuza had been so fired up to protest he had missed the Shinigami's initial reply.

The Shinigami rolled his eyes. "What? Did you expect me to allow my prized pet to go alone? Of course not. He is going to have plenty of people to accompany him. We wouldn't want him to do anything typically stupid now would we? Plus you are the only one who knows about the ritual so while Minato-kun is off saving the day or whatever he wants to call this venture of his you will be bringing me the final piece to restoring Bob."

"Okay, I'll go prepare," Zabuza said and turned to leave.

"No Zabuza," the Shinigami said stopping Zabuza in his tracks. "That's quite alright. You will remain here while I untie a loose end." The Shinigami snapped his fingers and released the Kyuubi from its bindings. "For you see the In Between is not a place that can be entered normally. For the doorway to be opened a living soul must open it."

"Okay so where are you going to get one of those?" Zabuza asked.

The Shinigami chuckled darkly which caused Zabuza to shiver. "Not a quick study are you? There is no way to take a living soul into the afterlife under normal circumstances. However if a dead soul is fused together with the life energy of something that is technically alive then it will fool the system. "Coincidentally," the Shinigami paused for a moment to again adjust the lampshade on his desk, "the Kyuubi over here is considered alive due to half of its chakra still being in the mortal realm. Aren't you so happy to be of such great use to Minato-kun, Kyuubi-chan?"

The Kyuubi tried to snarl but all that came out was a cute giggle-like sound(1). "**Fool! I will not be your pawn. Feel the might of the Kyuubi!**" The Kyuubi let out a roar. Before it could move an inch, however, its body snapped back and was pinned to the wall by a single throwing knife which had lodged itself in the Kyuubi's throat. He made gurgling sounds as he tried to dislodge the knife from its throat to no effect.

The Shinigami's outstretched arm slowly lowered from across the room as Zabuza stared on in astonishment.

"But… when I came in you said you had been missing with those knives all day…" Zabuza said, his confusion evident.

The Shinigami cackled. "Silly Zabuza-kun. If I wished to inflict harm onto the Kyuubi I could think of far worse pain than to simply stab him. No, the true torture is anticipating each knife digging into the very soul. Knowing that, as the Shinigami, I have had an infinite amount of leisure time to pursue the darkest and most twisted arts of torture. Armed with this knowledge, every knife throw is an agony independent of any actual damage and pain." The Shinigami smiled cruelly before continuing. "Until I keep missing. The relief then_ floods_ the system. The anticipation lessons and in time the fear goes away," the Shinigami turned back to the Kyuubi, "Until the moment is perfect. Then I can feel the hope drain from them. Hope has a delicious taste, Zabuza-kun. Please try to remember that."

Zabuza shuddered. He often times forgot how scary the god he worked for could be when he put his mind to it. "Of course, Shinigami-sama."

The Shinigami clapped his hands together. "Excellent! Now let's shred the Kyuubi into pieces so I can stuff it into Minato's soul." The Shinigami paused for a moment as he looked around. "Now where did I put my machete…"

* * *

**Konoha**

Maito Gai was not normal by any definition of the word, nor would anyone have ever dared suggest such a ridiculous thing to begin with. No one knows quite how Gai turned from normal, strong ninja to insane, strong ninja but that's probably because Gai had never been normal to begin with, rendering the speculation entirely pointless. Even at a young age at the academy he had been very dedicated to the pursuit of shinobi excellence through pushing himself to his very limits. He had graduated the academy at the age of seven and from there the eternally ignited flames of youth propelled him to be, in his own words, Konoha's Sublime Green Beast of Prey.

It is important to understand all of this because currently Gai was doing several laps around Konoha. Many ninja were fond of doing laps around their village. It was an excellent way to increase physical endurance and to work out the entire body. Only Gai did laps around Konoha while bouncing on his head.

"If I – cannot – complete – fifty – laps – on my – head – I will do – five hundred – laps – on my – tongue," Gai managed to say between bounces of his head on the ground. A few feet away from Gai was his most youthful and loyal student, Rock Lee, crying at how manly his wonderful teacher was while he himself did laps around the village on his hands, albeit at a slightly slower pace than Gai's head laps.

"Gai-sensei! You are such an amazing example for me to follow! If I cannot complete my one hundred laps on my hands I will do five hundred laps with nothing but a finger!"

"My – wonderful – student – Lee – I am – so proud – to be – your sensei!" Gai shouted out between hops.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee cried out.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

Before they could attempt to hug one another while maintaining their laps a figure bumped into Gai and in turn Gai bumped into Lee causing both of them to fall to the ground.

"Oh sorry about that Gai, I wasn't watching where I was going," Kakashi said as he waved to Gai with his one visible eye crinkled in a smile.

Gai got to his feet quickly and glared at Kakashi. "You did that on purpose, my eternal rival!"

Kakashi deadpanned. _How did he know?_ Instead of showing his concern he looked away for a moment before turning back to Gai. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Gai clenched his fist with an anguished expression on his face. "So hip! You are truly worthy of being my eternal rival, Kakashi! Very well, I concede this round to you! Do you have the score, Kakashi?"

_Of course I do_, Kakashi thought. Not like he was going to admit that to Gai though. "Why would I keep something like that handy? You know me better than that, Gai."

"Indeed I do," Gai said ominously.

Kakashi paled. Gai was getting better at reading him; he would have to step his eternal rivalry game up if he was going to continue to beat the taijutsu specialist. "Well anyway I have a report to deliver so I'll catch you later." Kakashi disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

"Gai-sensei! Why did you choose Kakashi-san as your eternal rival? He is most unyouthful!" Lee all but shouted.

Gai turned to his apprentice and struck a nice guy pose. "Not so, my wonderful student! By competing with the natural genius of a Kakashi I am able to show the entire world that hard work will prevail in the end!"

"So are you winning the competition Gai-sensei?" Lee asked enthusiastically.

Gai's nice guy pose, which he had of course held this entire time, faltered a little bit. "I am afraid not my beautiful student! We are currently tied again after his triumph over me today. That is how it should be though, Lee! If a rival is unable to keep up then what good is the rivalry? To have a truly great rivalry your rival must always be up to your challenge, propelling you to greater heights along with him! Yosh!" Gai immediately noticed that Lee was on the ground rocking back and forth at that declaration. _Right, his rivals were Neji and Naruto. Perhaps I should have phrased that differently, _Gai thought sheepishly.

* * *

**Somewhere in the Afterlife**

The second Mizukage was having a bad day. It wasn't quite as bad as the day that he had died, that had involved a lot of blood and no shortage of speeches from the foes that would eventually kill him. It was one thing to take in a speech from a man or woman you knew you were about to kill, but when you had to listen to some self-absorbed fool prattle on and then suffer the indignity of dying to them that was just cruel. The worst part was that his rival hadn't been able to memorize his speech so as they both laid their dying he didn't even have the decency to say something awesome, he had just kept prattling about how awesome dirt was. That isn't the point though, the point is this: the Mizukage was missing his clam, and that made him very sad.

The Mizukage couldn't quite recall when he had fallen in love with this particular clam, for it had been a very long time ago. It probably wasn't love at first sight...who goes around falling in love with clams? However over the years the Mizukage had grown to rely on the clam to both keep him safe and for a strange sense of companionship which was why, years after he had died, he was currently turning over every rock he could find looking for his clam. It didn't help that he forgot what type of rock the clam had used as a model for its stealth illusion.

In other clearly unrelated news, the Raikage was currently practicing his finger of doom technique on rocks a little ways away from the Mizukage. That wasn't actually the name of the technique but everyone refused to call it anything but and so the dead Raikage had stopped bothering to dissuade people and just practiced getting better and looking very threatening with his finger of doom technique.

After about five thousand rocks something very strange happened. The latest victim, a rock which surely had a lovely family which adored it like every other rock in the afterlife tended to have, was not content to remain a shattered series of lesser rocks and dust. Instead it transformed into a very familiar looking clam.

"Clam-kun! Where did you get off to?" the Mizukage's voice filtered into the Raikage's hearing range as he looked down at the very fried clam on the ground.

_Mother always said I should have gone into medical ninjutsu..._

* * *

**White Space**_  
_

Minato could hardly believe his eyes as he took in the sight in front of him. The Shinigami had just arrived and he had brought some guests to the White Space. The Shinigami never brought guests!

Rin and Obito, Minato's former students, were chatting happily to one another. That wasn't too surprising to Minato, they had been friends for a very long time now. What _was_ surprising was the fact that Rin kept grabbing Obito's ass causing the young man to yelp, as well as blush, every time. Jiraiya had been seen giggling like the super pervert he was and scribbling into a notebook that Minato sorely wished he didn't have on him.

The Shinigami had congratulated himself on being so thoughtful for giving Jiraiya a notebook upon his arrival to the afterlife. It was probably best Minato didn't know about the generous gift after the whole revelation upon the candy stealing incident though. Too many surprises wouldn't be good for Minato's mental health.

While Rin and Obito were getting caught up and Jiraiya was conducting his research a very wet Kushina was glaring at the Shinigami. No, Kushina was not aroused in any way. As it turned out when the Shinigami had decided to escort everyone to Minato(2) Kushina had been enjoying a nice relaxing bath in some hot springs several dimensions over. She had barely had enough time to grab her towel before she was yanked into the White Space.

Jiraiya kept trying to peek at her sopping wet body but every time his head turned even an inch in her direction he felt as if death itself was staring into him. Given that the Shinigami was quietly discussing something with Zabuza right in front of him the toad sage had a good idea who was giving him a death glare.

Minato was intensely curious as to why the Shinigami had shown up with all of these people but decided if he didn't calm down his wife there might not be a Shinigami to question later. Despite being sorely tempted to just let her pounce the Shinigami, he instead walked up to his wife and grabbed her hand.

Kushina shifted her glare to Minato. "I am not in the mood to be cuddled, just-" Kushina was interrupted when Minato gently pressed his lips against hers.

There was no passion behind the kiss at first as he held it for several seconds before snaking a hand around to the small of her back and pressed her body against his. The kiss instantly became more passionate and Minato refused to allow Kushina come up for air for a good thirty seconds before finally breaking the kiss. Kushina frowned; clearly she didn't think they were done yet.

Minato smiled toothily at his wife with his eyes closed. "I always did tell you that I liked it when your hair was wet, Kushina-chan. It is even more beautiful than normal."

Kushina blushed prettily at the honest compliment. "Minato-kun you were always such a sweet talker. Stop it."

The Shinigami proceeded to gag, drawing all of the attention in the room back to him. "That was truly disgusting. Congratulations, you've made a god sick to his stomach. I hope you are very proud of yourselves." The Shinigami sighed. He was really going to need to put an end to Love(3). That, however, was a project for another day. "Anyway I am sure you are curious why I have gathered everyone here. The answer is a simple one: I am going to help Minato with keeping the souls safe. I ask that you please hold all applause until the end."

Minato's eyes instantly narrowed. There was something wrong with this picture. Minato looked up at the Shinigami's gastly face. Okay, so there were _two_ things wrong with the picture.

The Shinigami could almost see the gears inside of Minato's mind turning and decided to give him something to bite down on. "It is obvious that I don't care if every soul in the afterlife was set on fire. After all, anyone who is under direct contract with me cannot be summoned back to the world." At this Zabuza shifted nervously. "On the other hand this was an amazing chance to torture something and well what can I say, I just can't resist!" The Shinigami cackled.

Minato sighed. Perhaps he had been overly paranoid. The Shinigami really didn't need any other reason to do something aside from torturing something. Still, something didn't sit right with Minato; thus proving that Minato is one smart son of a bitch.

The Shinigami, who still had everyone's undivided attention, pulled out a red pill from his cloak and tossed it to Minato who caught it effortlessly.

Minato looked down at the pill. It was round and didn't have any distinctive markings on it. "What is this, Shinigami-sama?" Minato asked. He was rightly worried that the Shinigami was up to something. _Something_ was never a good _thing_ when it involved the Shinigami.

"That is the only way for you to enter where you need to go to achieve your objective," the Shinigami answered.

"What do you mean? Try to be less vague while you're at it." Jiraiya spoke up suddenly.

The Shinigami chuckled darkly. "Did I confuse you?" Jiraiya stared blankly back at him. _Question answered_, the Shinigami thought. "It is simple. You are looking for the place which stores the protections on the seals. I have given you the key in the form of this pill. The realm is called the In Between. It will not open for the souls of the dead." The Shinigami paused for effect. "Likewise, if dead souls are inside of it while nothing living is inside they will be cut off until someone else with a living soul wanders by to let them out." The Shinigami pointed to the pill. "This pill contains the essence of a living soul, condensed into neat pill form."

Minato stared at the pill for a few moments before his gaze turned to the Shinigami. "You are hiding something," he said.

"Naturally. It is your only option, however. Of that you can be sure," the Shinigami said humorlessly.

Minato shrugged. "Can't be worse than tearing my soul apart, right?" Minato popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed. Minato was about to comment on the very bitter taste of the pill when a black door appeared in front of him.

"That would be the door to the In Between. Try to keep your hands tucked, wouldn't want to lose part of your soul after all." The Shinigami looked at Kushina. "Kushina-chan, dear, please put some clothes on as well. You will have everyone thinking you are such a scarlet woman. Honestly, going around with only a towel on, it is just so indecent of you." The Shinigami did not bother to suppress the grin that was forming on his face as Kushina had to be held back by both Minato and Zabuza from attempting to murder the god of death. The Shinigami really did love to wind that woman up.

A few minutes later Kushina was fully dry, fully clothed, and itching to kick something's ass. In this case something could be translated into "the Shinigami."

Minato opened the door and took a deep breath. He had a bad feeling about this. Oh well, bad feelings just meant that he'd have to do something clever. He liked being clever. He turned the knob and pushed the door open. There was nothing but darkness in front of him. Minato turned to the Shinigami. "Seriously?" he said incredulously.

The Shinigami shrugged.

Minato sighed and turned to his companions on the trip. "Well, no time like the present eh? Come on, let's get started. The sooner we fix this the better." Minato stepped into the In Between and was quickly followed by Jiraiya, Zabuza, Kushina, Obito, and Rin.

_**You were right to be afraid, Yondaime**_, a dark yet feminine voice said inside of Minato's head.

Minato's eyes widened. Minato would recognize that voice anywhere, woman or not! Minato spun on his heel and was about to yell at the Shinigami when the door suddenly slammed shut.

The Shinigami laughed maniacally. He was sure that once Minato had time to adjust to having the discontented transgendered spirit of the Kyuubi inside of his head the two of them could have a talk about it. The Shinigami paused in his thoughts and considered the logic he had just employed for a moment. Okay, so Minato probably _wouldn't_ adjust but it was still hilarious. The Shinigami could deal with a lot in the name of hilarity. With one last delighted chuckle the Shinigami decided it would be a good idea to reap some souls and headed off to the mortal world, leaving the White Space completely empty.

Moments later a newly dead soul entered the White Space.

Itachi opened his eyes and looked around. There was nothing in any direction save for a seemingly endless expanse of white. Itachi walked around for a few minutes trying to find some kind of landmark to no avail.

"Um, hello?" Itachi called out. After waiting a moment for the reply which was never going to come, Itachi let out a sigh and collapsed onto the floor with his legs crossed in front of him. He had endured murdering his family, being under the command of a complete madman, and enduring the burning hatred of his brother. What harm could sitting in a white void do?

It turns out Itachi had never been told to never ask questions like that. Poor guy.

* * *

**Footenote: **

**1:** It cannot be overstated how happy the Shinigami was with himself for completely screwing with the Kyuubi. Seriously, the Shinigami is one prideful fella and this would totally rank up there with stealing Orochimaru's snake plushy in his all time list of douche moves. He _really_ is fond of that memory, too. The Kyuubi had it coming though. After all, the Shinigami warned it not to screw with him the night half of it was sealed into Naruto but did the fox listen? No, and now it is a transgendered fox that is turned into the visage of a human woman getting knives thrown at it by the Shinigami. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you. **  
**

**2**: Funnily enough what the Shinigami called escorting everyone else decided to call kidnapping. The Shinigami, when confronted about this sometime later, had pointed out that if he really wanted to he could just stick them in a cage somewhere and have them poked at for all eternity. The objections to word choice suddenly stopped after that.

**3:** Hey everyone needs a hobby, right?

* * *

**A/N:** Hello again! It didn't take me too long to be satisfied with the name of this chapter. I think it is delightfully fitting. This chapter got a bit away from me but not in the bad way or anything. I wrote over three thousand words this morning and instead of being a smart and considerate writer and waiting for my edit guy to give the story a once over I am just shipping it out. Hey, when you are on a roll why not, right? As you have probably guessed by now this is the start of another story arc. I promise you that there are going to be some really interesting surprises in the In Between and one that I am very confident that none of you have any hope of guessing. No offense, I just think I came up with something really neat.

If you guys have enjoyed this story so far and if you are reading this chapter I think that's a pretty safe bet you should check out my new mini update story: Madara and Friends. It stars Madara (or so he claims...) as a child going to Uchiha ninja school. It will advance from there. So if you guys like Madara you'll like that I think. Also last month I updated chapter 1 _again_ to be on par with my current writing. Added a couple of scenes, mostly just fixed some ideas though. Re-read that again if you want. Chapter 2 and 3 will be edited before the next chapter is posted.

I think that's about it. Oh, actually I'd like to give a shout out to a poster on the Onemanga forums for inspiring that clam scene. I forget their name at the moment but they posted a story idea and it sparked my imagination and I just had to include it in this chapter.

**Poll of the Chapter: Who should Itachi meet in the White Space? **

**Haku**

**Uchiha Mikoto (His mother)**

**Sarutobi **

**Someone else entirely!**

Tell me what you think, I love hearing from my readers. I know a lot of my readers love Itachi so I thought I'd give you guys a chance to give me some input. Next chapter is going to involve scary monsters, lots of blood, and a trail of mangled bodies and souls. And that's just Kushina's part in the chapter!

Until next time,

~ Chris


	40. NonChapter 3: A Side Story As You Wait

Hey guys, it has been close to six months and I just wanted to leave a bit of a note here apologizing for the long wait. It has been awhile since I have had to do this but there have been some circumstances that have come up. For one, I have just finished a very weird and very long move after the holidays which has taken up a majority of my time. Aside from that my computer which contains all of my work has just about exploded and even the one I am typing to you now is going to be taken back because it is a piece of junk. The next chapter of Yellow Flash is almost done as well as rewrites of a couple of the older chapters. Also I have a Doctor Who and Naruto crossover nearly done as well that should interest the Who fans out there.

I am making this because I think about people who constantly wait for updates from me a lot and anyone who has read a note from me in the past knows how much joy I take in writing this story and the leaps and bounds I have taken in improving my work. If I ever make it as a writer it will be because people who have read my very humble beginnings gave me the encouragement to reach higher.

To that end, and this should come as no surprise to anyone who remembers some of my previous long delays, you won't be leaving this apology empty handed. Also the word count may have been a hint as well. The only thing I have on this new computer writing wise is something that was saved in my e-mail. It has had more added to it since I sent the e-mail, but I thought perhaps some of my writing will help remove the sting from my long absence. I know technically speaking original work is prohibited, which is why clearly the below story is an offshoot of a certain character from my story and is not at all original! Or at least, you can't prove otherwise, and so neither can anyone else! Take that for what is is worth.

As for the adventures of Minato and the Shinigami, don't worry, I've been plotting long and hard about those two, and this year offers an unprecedented amount of free time in my life to do the things I love most, and writing is chief among them.

To my friends who might look at this, you will probably recognize this as the start of my NANOWRIMO entry. Just a heads up to a few people.

**Non-Chapter: **Amusement

* * *

Death has had a lot written about it throughout the years. The tragedy of life's end, the requirement of it for life to continue to exist, and the joy of human beings moving on to something greater than the short lives they had on earth. In a merry coincidence everything that has been written about death is correct. Well, kinda. Life ending is of course very sad. Unless the person dying was a jerk, in that case it is okay to cheer for their death because if no one liked the person it means no one will be there to complain about the party streamers you bought. Likewise, it is an understood fact that death helps keep the planet from overpopulating and becoming a mess. If the planet didn't want you to die then why does it keep ramming tsunamis, freak lightning storms, and earthquakes into itself just to get rid of you? Exactly. It is a lot like having a roach on you and frantically slapping at your own body in the faint hope you will catch it. Sure, like the planet, you will get the roach every now and then, but you always pummel yourself black and blue before you get the job done. You take solace in knowing the roach is dead, the planet takes solace that you are dead. It is funny how that works.

Finally there is the great beyond, the afterlife, heaven. The final resting place for people who have done good deeds in life. It is the reward for a lifetime of sacrifice, good will, and compassion. If you are a good person you get to have a good afterlife because as we all know life has always chiefly been about fairness so why should your next life be any different in this regard? Humanity is correct in their assumption that a place exists but the requirements to get into said place were not _quite_ outlined correctly for the human race. It had been very clear in the original manuscript but sadly even in ancient times no one really wanted to do all of the paperwork so it got lost and in a panic people just decided to make up a lot of stuff that passed as believable in their own minds. One of the writers, Noah, had been particularly fond of animals.

Despite their ignorance it seemed someone out there was in a generous mood because while the men were writing it decided to weave into their minds knowledge that they had no way of having. Knowledge of the divine, of how the fabric of the universe itself worked, and of how everything intertwined beautifully together to form the universe. The men quickly decided they had been drinking too much of the strong stuff and went to bed, the knowledge they had gained never to be heard from again.

This is not a story about those men though, nor is it about anything earthly. It is about a single man who is currently on the ground bleeding out. His name is John and he's had better days. Actually if he was to be asked right this moment it is a pretty safe bet to say he'd take every other day in his entire life over this one. It would be hard to blame him considering that this is going to be his last day alive.

No one likes the thought of dying, especially when they realize it is happening to them that very moment. The elderly have learned to accept the fact with grace for the most part; content enough with everything they have seen and done to recognize the inevitable had to come someday.

John is not an old man, however. John is currently twenty-nine years old and you can feel free to mark that down in permanent marker. He was born in London, England to parents Julia and Winston. They moved to the United States when he was five and he had lost any semblance of a British accent before his seventh birthday. He had attended modest public schools in the greater Chicago, Illinois area and throughout his youth he had picked up a nasty habit that got him killed: humanity. The trait that within it contains kindness, selflessness, and mercy. The nasty habit to ignore your survival instincts and help someone else. That trait had actually worked out well for a lot of people, for not everyone was quite as stupid with it as the guy dying on the floor over there.

John had happened upon a young attractive woman being mugged after he had finished his shift as a waiter at a nice uptown restaurant. Without a second thought he had intervened and had managed to get the mugger's knife away and he told the woman to run for help. She, being nice and selfish, had stopped listening after the word "run" and she wouldn't give poor John a second thought for the rest of her life.

To give credit where credit is due, the mugger actually had a second knife in his jacket which had come as a bit of a surprise for John as he felt the metal slice him nicely in between his ribs. Surprise quickly became shock as he tilted over and fell on the ground. He is there right now and he is growing pale. There has never been a case in history where blood pouring out of someone's body was a good sign for their future. This was always the worst part about the human life. Its end.

Probably not for the reasons you would imagine, though. The end of human life isn't something that I despair over. In fact I, more than most, learned to accept humanity mortality a long, long time ago. Because I understand that everything has a beginning and everything has an end. The problem is every time I go to pick up a human they are just so damn chatty. I am afraid it is a trait that has rubbed off on me.

I look at my scythe and let out a sigh. I can just tell this guy is going to be a headache. Death may be a bastard, but at least I kill you silently.

* * *

I am responsible for every single human passing on from the mortal coil, so I've seen a wide variety of reactions to a wide variety of situations. One time this elderly woman attempted to kick my shin and scolded me for being so thoughtless to take her before she had a chance to say goodbye to her grandchildren. The audacity had been so amusing that I almost considered taking her back. Instead I chose to torture her mercilessly for daring to show me disrespect.

That's something everyone should know about me: I am big on respect. For as long as the concept of death has been around I too have existed along with it. My old title had something to do with weeding given the life I was responsible for ending but eventually, and thankfully, evolution kicked in after what seemed like a countless number of eons and I had my request to have my title changed approved.

The first thousand or so years of killing the modern human were some of the best days of my existence. Almost every one of them had some different reaction to me! Some cried, some begged for their life back. Others cradled themselves and muttered that it was all a dream. My personal favorite was when a particular man thought that I was an evil spirit that had to be defeated for him to return to his loved ones. His screams of surrender still make me smile all of these years later. Then again, that could be because I visit him in his dark cell daily. It really is a bad idea to cross me.

John had seemed to understand that fact right away. There was no pleading, no whining, and absolutely no crying. His blue eyes looked me up and down lingering briefly on my face which was covered by a black cowl that to this day I thought was quite stylish as well as mood setting whenever a new mortal soul had to tag along with me. Humans didn't like it when they couldn't see things; it fed into their fear of the dark. I demand respect, but fear is a nice bonus.

John slowly exhaled a breath he probably didn't know he had been holding. "Well that could have gone better," he said. Then he burst out laughing.

I tilted my head. It had been awhile since I had gotten a laugher. The last one had been a king of a country who had been deposed rather violently. You could say he lost his head over it, although you'd be inaccurate. He was stabbed six times in the chest.

"John, you will find that everything that has ever existed could have in some way gone better. Although you did make the classical mistake of exchanging someone's loss of valuables that surely could have been replaced for a stabbing."

"Hey! It seemed like a good idea at the time, alright?" John said defensively. After a brief pause he added, "Plus what kind of mugger packs two knives. That's just a sad lack of confidence!"

I smiled behind my cowl. It was a good thing my face was hidden, I had an image to maintain. It wasn't a hard image to maintain though; I did kill everyone after all. "John not to disrupt your point but you do realize he killed you. I don't think you have pity to spare him."

John waved me off. "My biggest worry about death has already been assuaged: I am still here. Sure I am going to miss a lot of stuff but at least I exist." John paused for a moment. In my estimation he was thinking about either food or a particular woman he would miss. Men rarely think about anything else. "On the other hand," he continued, "that guy who stabbed me must be somewhere thinking about what if I had managed to knock away his second knife. He is going to start taking more and more knives with him in order to compensate. Poor guy is going to be rolling around town with like fifty knives after a while. He'll probably end up stabbing himself or something and then when you go to get him he is going to be so embarrassed."

I stared at John for what seemed to me to be a very long moment. He didn't appear to be all there mentally. There had some indication of that when he had decided to get himself stabbed but now he was thinking about his killer with pity. What an odd man. "You are quite odd, John. I think you might be able to amuse me. Would you like to come to my house for some tea?" I asked while doing my best to be kind. It was so hard to keep up such a ridiculous façade.

John raised an eyebrow. "Um, don't I have an appointment to keep or something? I'd like to go someplace that's nice and peaceful. I could use a nap." To further his point he let out a yawn.

I looked down and did some quick soul math in my mind. Soul math is the math used to calculate how quickly souls degrade outside of sanctuary. The first sanctuary a soul knows is its mortal body. After that there are a number of places that will keep the soul safe and sound. We were not currently in one of those places. I knew John's tiredness was actually his soul slowly being put through the universal shredder, and I also knew that my house counted as sanctuary. It was, of course, a coincidence that I had offered him tea there. Souls usually take much longer to start this process; his was unusually ill-equipped to deal it for some reason. It wasn't as if I liked him or anything and wanted to spare him suffering.

I immediately punched myself in the face for thinking that last thought.

John looked over at me. "Are you alright?"

"Better now than I was before," I replied.

* * *

I didn't always have a house. Like a lot of things I copied the idea of living in one from humans. Before I decided to steal my beautiful five bedroom three story house from a nasty French couple in what modern people referred to as the nineteenth century I used any free time I had to stare into the endless abyss. It wasn't as boring as it might sound. Nor as endless, now that I think about it.

I like my house though. It is in the middle of a large black void so there are no annoying neighbors to deal with. I have learned over the years that quite a few people had very annoying neighbors. It seemed to have the terrible misfortune of rubbing off onto the people themselves for every time without fail when they spoke about their neighbors I too became annoyed. I think it was a kindness every time I threw one of them into a deep, dark pit. No more annoying neighbors for them, problem solved. I should have my title changed to that. "Problem Solver", it has a ring to it.

I opened the door and John quickly followed behind me. Immediately after passing the threshold he gasped for air and fell to his knees, panting.

"Your soul is now anchored here for the time being. You probably aren't up for a nap anymore," I said. It was always a delight to know things others didn't. Even when constantly being in that position is just never got old for me.

John looked at me with a particular look. He was confused, how cute. "Yeah… I am feeling much better. So what happens now?"

"You know John I know life didn't have the chance to bake you all the way through before it spit you out but usually when you enter someone's home you compliment the drapes or something."

John turned his head to the windows and noticed that there were, in fact, no drapes to be found before he looked back at me with a small frown.

"Lack of drapes can really make a statement about the quality of the frames," I said without a hint of amusement. I was a good actor.

John looked at me doubtfully but instead of arguing said, "Well the frames are pretty nice. I like what you've done with the place."

"Why thank you John that is very polite of you," I said, accepting the compliment graciously. John stared at me awkwardly. He had no idea what to say to that. I decided to grant a small mercy and added, "Let's go to the library. I have the tea there." I moved past John who followed me silently. I could feel his eyes roam the walls of the house. I think he expected something more supernatural than my quiet home. It made me regret passing on the idea of having bodies hanging on hooks in the hallways, they would have been a delight to show guests.

I entered the library first and saw two tea cups were on the table in front of two chairs still steaming. Truth be told I have not been able to find out who exactly makes the tea that is always here waiting for me whenever I return but since I am incapable of being poisoned I've never had too much of a reason to be suspicious. It is hard to be wary of a warm cup of tea when you cannot be harmed, after all.

I used to believe something went funny when I conjured the house from nothing. You know, like I made the house have an automatic tea making function or something like that. It would have been a neat thing to add to my resume. It'd go right below killing people, "able to accidentally make a house generate tea whenever I enter a room." Sadly this theory had been shot down because on the very rare occasion I have a guest over there were two tea cups. Someone out there liked to give me and mine tea, and I approved of whatever did this despite their apparent shyness.

John walked over to a chair and with mild trepidation sat down. I thought he was adjusting rather well for someone who had just died a short time ago. You could barely notice the flinch every time he looked at me, it was almost admirable.

I sat down next to him and quickly took a sip of the tea. Even after all of these long years I didn't have much of a taste for the stuff. It was just a habit that had come with the house. Go to the library, sip on some tea, go back out to reap more souls. It was an easy enough cycle to lapse into after a long day of treading through a sea of mortal self-pity.

"So, you must meet a lot of people," John said. His attempt at conversation amused me. He could barely stand to be in my presence but that didn't stop him from using small talk.

I didn't used to like small talk but after a while everything big became pretty boring. You can only talk about the creation of the cosmos and the morality of rewriting the universal constants for so long before talking about the weather sounded like a grand idea indeed. For future reference talking about the weather is in fact never a good idea, but that never stopped it from _sounding_ like a good idea at the time.

"I have met everyone who has ever died," I said.

John took a sip of his tea and smiled. "This tea is absolutely delicious." He waited for me to reply which I just couldn't be bothered to do. He had the Grim Reaper himself to chat with and his opening salvo had been small talk and tea. "So…" John continued, "Who is your favorite dead person? Everyone has favorites right?"

I did not hesitate in my answer. "Adolf Hitler."

John spat out his tea.

I smirked. That was the reaction I was hoping for. "I imagine this is going to require an explanation."

"You damn right it is you Nazi loving bastard."

I chuckled. Yes, John was indeed an amusing human.

* * *

I believe this would be a good time to clarify what I look for out of a human. Many years ago when I was still but a naïve little reaper of souls I believed I could make a real difference in the universe. I tried my best to be kind to those who had just died believing it wasn't their fault they were sniveling immature brats who had no comprehension of the grand scheme. This had lasted a day before I started to throw them into dark pits just so I could get some peace and quiet.

So it can therefore be reasoned that when I show preference to a man who was as reviled as Hitler was in his life it isn't because I am a bastard. Now mind you, I've never claimed to be anything short of a complete bastard. I kill people, I don't care about their pain, and if it will provide me with any sort of amusement I will rub salt into the wound until they are bawling on the floor. Hitler and I however share a special bond that words cannot properly describe. I tried anyway.

"Hitler has gotten me more favors than just about every other human in history combined," I said.

John blinked at me. "And? He's an evil bastard. You shouldn't like evil bastards."

I raised an eyebrow. I knew he couldn't see it, but when it comes to facial expressions I have found it is the thought that counts. "That's rather petulant don't you think? I am sure that you have had people whom you did not like but you managed to put up with despite their various short comings because they offered a service that was beneficial to you."

"Well yes," John conceded.

"Right. That's how I view all of humanity. Personally I found the man to be a terrible conversationalist. He yelled way too much for my liking. It is amazing how ripping out his tongue fixed that problem." I paused to consider the look of glee on John's face after hearing that. He wasn't quite as gentle as he would like everyone to believe. I could use that. "Long story short I have gotten almost one hundred million favors from dead souls because of Hitler. You might be surprised to learn how many people wanted to at the very least punch the man in the face."

John considered me for a moment. "I am going to estimate it is close to one hundred million," he said after a while.

I sipped on my tea and considered what I had just said prior. "Well at least I know you are paying attention. Due to Hitler's infamy I have acquired many souls to do my bidding. It is a delight to have so many pawns in the afterlife."

"You are the Grim Reaper, why would you need pawns?" John asked before he took a sip of his tea. He had really been sucking that stuff down.

"It always surprises me that mortals think in terms of need when it comes to these matters. Your race has spent most of their modern history trying their best to invent machines and devices to fill your every want. You managed to harness the power of flight, the ability to talk to anyone in the world with the press of a button and you even had a music storage device that at last count I believe stored something like four million songs."

"I don't think it was quite that many-"

"My point is," I interrupted, "That of course I have no need for favors from humans. I have no need for anything, actually. I exist beyond the limitations of the word need. I am on another level of existence." I pause to allow John to be impressed for a moment. "However having so many people owe me one is a fantastic way to pass the time. Getting people to clean my house, for example, is one of my favorite ways to use a favor."

John looked around the library which was currently pristine. "I don't pretend to know you, but you don't seem like the type to require someone to clean up after you."

I chuckled in a manner that I knew would unnerve John. I was not disappointed as John squirmed in his chair. "You and that word again. Of course I do not require anything of the sort, I hardly touch anything here. That doesn't stop me from tearing the place apart and watching a random soul have to spend a long time putting everything back together. It is wonderfully amusing."

"You need some hobbies. Ever consider stamp collecting?" John asked.

I shifted my gaze to the right and John's eyes followed. There, in plain sight, was a very large case that had approximately two million stamps pressed together. I have no idea why anyone collects stamps, it isn't very rewarding. Even when I started to pick them off of dead bodies there wasn't much of a thrill to it and I really enjoy stealing stuff off of newly dead bodies.

"Oh," John said.

"Indeed," I replied. "Hobbies are not my strong suit I confess. I don't usually have time to collect much aside from favors. That in and of itself is a hobby. You may have a point that I could use these favors in a most industrious way. Any suggestions, John?"

John shuddered when I used his name. I had that effect on people. Also small animals, strangely enough. "Well uh, why not have the people do your job? That way you would have more free time."

I held back a sigh. This conversation had been going so well too. I take one final sip of my tea before gently sitting it back down on its platter before brandishing my scythe. "Well you lasted longer than most people do. For that I would like to extend my congratulations."

"Hey what did I do? I was trying to be helpful!" John said as he got up from the chair and started to look for escape routes that I knew full well didn't exist.

"Oh I don't know John. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you told the Grim Reaper that any random human soul could take on the arduous task that is my duty to the universe. I cannot possibly understand where your error was in the matter." I mentally winced; I really did need to stop hanging around humans so much. Their overuse of sarcasm was simply infectious.

John considered what I had just said for a moment. "Okay when you put it like that I guess I can see why you took offense." He paused. "I challenge you to a game for the right to continue to exist!" he said suddenly.

I stared at him. "Did you just go Bill and Ted on me, John?"

John shrugged. "So what if I did? It was an awesome movie."

The man had a point. "I never said otherwise. Although the torture I am going to unleash upon William Sadler when he dies is going to be legendary throughout the afterlife," I state. After a moment I add, "I have nothing to gain from this competition and everything to lose. Unlike my movie counterpart I am not so easily suckered into a fool's bet."

"No, but you do seem awfully bored. If nothing else it would be amusing, right?" John said hopefully.

I tilted my head. Amusement was in fact a top priority for me this was true. There was only so much amusement that I could squeeze out of torturing someone. It had been a few years since someone had brought up Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey to my face and that had ended pretty well. The idiot had thought that he knew more Sports Trivia than I did when I had to listen to every fan that had ever died moan about their team until I forcefully shut them up. The look on his face when I had named the entire roster of the 1908 Chicago Cubs still brought a chuckle to the forefront.

"Sure, why not. I accept your challenge, John. Know this, however: unlike Bill and Ted there is no coming back from the dead for you. For one you are not going to defeat me, but even if the universe deigns today to be an off day all you gain is my solemn promise that I will not harm you. When you lose you will become my servant for all of eternity. If these terms are acceptable name your game, John." Whatever the challenge I was confident in my victory.

"Monopoly," John said simply.

I frowned for a brief moment before my lips pulled into a tight smile. I can appreciate a bastard when I see one, after all.

"Dick move John, dick move."

* * *

It took me a good twenty minutes to find my Monopoly game in the house. I think I had tried my best to forget where it was. Monopoly had never been very kind to me. Actually I think it would have been more accurate to say that Monopoly had never been kind to anyone. It was one of those board games that could end up lasting far longer than anyone participating ever wanted it to and the winner was usually more lucky than good. I still couldn't figure out who thought it was reasonable for the greens to cost that much to build on when the potential gain from them was far less than Boardwalk and Park Place which cost far less to build up to hotels due to their only being two of them. The game makers had kept mum even after days of torture when I had a chance for a little alone time with them.

There have been more murders related to Monopoly than any other modern board game save for one. Apparently saying "Sorry!" just wasn't good enough sometimes.

I sat the box down in front of John. We had stayed in the library and simply moved a few rows back to a bigger table near the center of the room. I wasn't looking forward to this. Two-player Monopoly was the worst type of Monopoly. It was extremely polarizing and all around in poor taste to only play with two people. There were only two reasons people played in this fashion: they only had one friend or they were a sadist. Take this game as an example of that, I am as close to a sadist as anyone and John wasn't exactly swimming in friends at the moment. Just think about every instance of a two player Monopoly you have ever been a part of or ever witnessed and you will know I speak a universal wisdom about the game. You are welcome.

I open the box and everything begins to spill out of its own accord. I had programmed the game to be able to run itself without the aid of any of the players. It would be the banker which distributed the money to start the game as well as take any money when it became required. It would also hand out and shuffle any of the cards throughout the game. My house rules were simple: Players started with double the usual money and all fines went into the middle for Free Parking. If you didn't have that Free Parking rule you were playing a version of Monopoly that I wanted no part of, and I am the guy who has fond thoughts for Hitler. Let that sink in.

As you can probably guess by now I take my Monopoly pretty seriously. That is with good reason: I view every game of Monopoly like its own war. There are no moral victories when it came to the game of Monopoly. Either you win or hours of your time have been wasted in an agonizing pursuit of triumph that is not to be. That is all there can ever be with the game of Monopoly.

John looked at everything being set up and let out an appreciative whistle. "This is a neat version of the game. If I beat you can I have it?"

I looked down at the money currently distributing itself between the two of us and the board that had just unfolded and was now still. I didn't like Monopoly very much and I wasn't particularly attached to this version of the game or anything. On the other hand I never gave anything away for free, even in defeat. "I am going to hang onto it either way."

John shrugged. I could feel the disappoint rolling off of him in waves. Instead of addressing it he changed topics. "What piece do you want?"

"Since I have home field advantage I will allow you to choose the piece you want. Choose wisely, I believe there is a certain amount of luck associated with each piece," I said sternly.

John frowned and rubbed his chin. He was clearly thinking deeply about which piece would be the lucky one. After he had been doing this for a whole five minutes I started to regret saying anything about being careful. Finally, right before I was about to prod him, he spoke up and said, "I choose the car."

"I believe you have chosen unwisely. I have never been bested in Monopoly while my opponent is the car. I choose the top hat." I grab the piece and sit it on the starting point as John looks at me warily. It was probably mean of me to attempt to play mind games with him over a game of Monopoly but I never claimed to be nice so I think that is pretty fair; to say nothing of the fact that he thought it would be a wise idea to challenge me.

"I've never lost a game of Monopoly," John spoke up suddenly.

I looked at John at that declaration. He sounded confident. "And?" I said more rudely than I had meant. I found it amusing that Hitler didn't bother me but Monopoly always managed to ruffle my feathers; that was impressive considering I didn't have feathers. Although if you had the experiences with both that I had you would see it my way too.

"It is my mother's favorite game. She made us play it every Thursday in our family game night for over a decade. I never lost," John repeated his earlier declaration again with confidence.

I looked down at my top hat and frowned. I suddenly did not feel so confident about my choice.

* * *

The human condition is a very fascinating one because of the very fact that it is not singular. Each human being, shaped by a countless number of conditions and chance happenings are truly unique. The rest of the universe simply cannot compare to humanity when it comes to all the different ways a single species has to stand out from amongst the crowd, nor would it want to, and how so many of that species want nothing more than to not stand out. I say this because no example better illustrates this point than board games.

Who invented board games? Who knows. Well, I know, but I am not in the mood to tell you. All you need to know is it was someone who thought that what humanity needed to go forward was to sit around a board during their leisure time. How board games ever caught on remains a willful mystery to me. I have one of those ominous feelings – and when I get one of those you had damn well better believe something ominous was going to go down – that if I were to pry into that particular detail in human history that I might not ever be the same again, and considering how lovely I am that would indeed be quite sad. There I go again, rambling on like some random human. I apologize; my infection appears to be spreading more and more these days. I think John has a little to do with that. A human hasn't lasted this long in my presence in some time and I am afraid it is only going to be exacerbated by a game of Monopoly. This could take years.

To return to my main point I believe board games are going to go down as one of the hallmarks of the downfall of the human race right up there with Finland. It's always the quiet ones. Board games, you see, do something that is very dangerous: It allows people to use their imagination. The human imagination is one of the scariest things I've ever seen and it shouldn't have any chance to be given direction. Instead of kids going outside to enjoy climbing on ladders they ended up holed in some dark room playing Chutes and Ladders which is just a gateway board game to the heavier stuff like Dungeons & Dragons. In Sorry! You bump each other off of the board instead of brutally murdering each other. The overpopulation concerns that Sorry! Caused were thankfully offset by the fact that anyone who was exposed to Dungeons & Dragons for too long never had the opportunity to reproduce themselves, so the two managed to balance each other out.

Monopoly, on the other hand, is a totally different beast. There is nothing to balance about Monopoly. There is no hidden goodness lurking in the depths of Monopoly. There is greed, power, and the thought that ruthless ambition rules the day. Thus, Monopoly reveals something that mortals should have never had the chance to glance upon: the naked truth of their species.

They were all monsters who used emotion, intelligence, and a blissful lack of self-awareness to live their daily lives in comfort and in peace. They can play board games as people are dying because of their very nature. They sit around dreaming of owning property and hoarding it away from the needy while there are actually needy people in the world who could be helped. It was a grotesque insight into the nature of humanity that portrayed them in a rather poor light.

That is why I chose to behead the man who kept prattling on about it. Humans get few things right, but it is when they embrace their basest natures that they truly shine. Savage, ruthless, and without false trappings of pity and consideration. Strip a man down to nothing and most would reveal something more sinister than even my darkest fantasies. It is why they were capable of amusing me so much. They had such great potential for havoc. Well, that and they scream really loudly when I hurt them. That's a definite plus.

"Um, it's been your turn to roll to see who goes first for twenty minutes," John said, interrupting my thoughts.

I stared at him during until he started to once again squirm in his chair. I wasn't being very sporting about the whole affair, I admit. Then again I never had much love for sports as a whole so that shouldn't be particularly surprising. After I felt that John was sufficiently ready to piss his pants I said, "Do not rush greatness, John. Rome was not built in a day. I should know, I had to keep going back to the place because the idiot workers kept falling off of archways."

"You still haven't rolled," was John's reply.

I felt a sudden strong urge to roll my scythe instead and see how many pieces his head came to in order to decide who went first. I instead decided to simply roll the dice. I frowned as the singular dot appeared face up. Compared to John's mighty four it was a pathetic effort out of the dice.

John rubbed his chin as he looked at the dice.

"Aren't you going to roll?" I asked a bit more impatiently than was strictly necessary.

John looked at me and smiled the worst type of smile: an honest one. "No, that's okay. I think I am going to defer to you."

I stared at him.

He guessed what I was thinking. "What? I won the roll. I should be able to choose if I go first or second. By all means, go ahead."

I looked down at the board and frowned. I got the distinct feeling that John was messing with me. When I won I would peel the skin from his flesh for this. As best I could without him technically having skin or flesh, anyway.

* * *

If I was in the habit of smiling I would have done so. I am a big believer that it is very easy to set the tone of just about anything by its beginning. When I rolled a twelve and followed that up with a very solid seven on my first turn I knew this game was going to go well. Not only that, but on John's first roll he only managed a four. For those not very well versed with the standard Monopoly board a roll of four from the Go position will always put you on Income Tax. While John muttered about a conspiracy his money floated of its own accord to the middle of the board indicating the start of the Free Parking pot.

"Undefeated did you say?" I asked with just a touch of mocking. Being a bastard is fun and I recommend everyone try it at least once.

"Shut up," John replied morosely. I imagine the following silence sounded particularly smug to John's ears, and with good reason.

I picked up the dice and rattled them against my boney fist for a brief time before letting them go. A moment later I moved three spaces to Chance. After a short delay the top card on the Chance pile floated into the air and an angelic, quite literally there, disembodied voice spoke out.

"Your Christmas fund matures! Collect one-hundred dollars. Well done!"

John had looked up sharply when the voice had begun to speak. "Who was that?" he asked when it had finished.

"Marilyn Monroe," I responded casually.

John blinked at me stupidly. I have noticed that humans do that a lot around me. Actually, I've noticed that humans just do that a lot period. In fact, they do an awful lot of things stupidly now that my mind is on that train of thought…

"Why do you have Marilyn Monroe voicing your Chance cards?" John asked after what appeared to be a lot of consideration. I think he had several more questions that he would have liked to ask but had thought better of it.

"Why not?" I countered.

John raised an index finger as if he had at the ready a strong argument but after a moment faltered and just sighed. "So what is she like?"

"I'll tell you after you roll your dice you slow man," I said.

John rolled his eyes and gobbled the dice into his hand and practically slammed them down onto the board. His roll was unimportant and so I obliged him.

"She was, and still is for that matter, quite full of herself," I said before pausing briefly for effect. I like doing that more than I reasonably should. I wasn't a big fan of reason anyway. Just before the silence would have stretched out too long I continued. "I was going to do bad things to her – and no, not those bad things – until she begged me to spare her. Somewhere in her begging she offered to use her mouth to fulfill my needs. When I not so politely declined that offer she said she had a good voice too and, well, whimsy struck and here we are." Whatever stories you may have heard about Marilyn Monroe were unlikely to be true. She was not nearly as modest as her legends led people to believe.

John said nothing and I took the opportunity to once again roll the dice. I got another small roll and frowned. I sometimes regretted my own rule about waiting a full go around the board before being able to buy properties, but it was one of those rules that if not instituted led to bloodshed. Not that I particularly minded bloodshed but Monopoly took long enough as it was, it could only get worse if there were further delays in the game. I remember visiting a house in nineteen seventy-three that had a triple homicide-suicide because the rules of Monopoly were not made clear before play. When I sat them down for a game of Monopoly the horror in their eyes was quite satisfying. I believe the father had won that particular rematch amidst a stream of tears from everyone involved. Those particular tears were delicious.

I sometimes wonder if I am an evil person. Every time I think about this for more than a few seconds my mind wanders to some hapless fool that is in need of a good torturing and I forget my train of thought. It is probably best if I don't think too much about the subject.

Our next few rolls went quickly and soon enough I was on Boardwalk ready to pass Go for the first time, collect my two hundred dollars, and start a spending spree. I looked over at John's Car which was only a few short spaces away on the nearest Railroad. This was when Monopoly truly began, the preamble was finally over.

"I know what you're thinking," John said. As usual he seemed strangely confident for a mortal confronting me. I have learned over the years though that stupidity is perhaps the greatest source of confidence in the universe and so I never think much of it when someone shows confidence against me of all people. It just makes them exceptionally stupid in comparison to, say, regular stupid.

I looked over at John to see him smiling at me. "Oh?" I said. I doubted he had the first clue about what was going through my mind.

"You are thinking the game is just now beginning now that property buying is about to start," John supplied for me.

"You couldn't be farther away from the truth," I lied through my teeth. It was a good thing he couldn't see my teeth then, now wasn't it?

John frowned at me. "Ah, damn. I thought I was being such a clever guy there and everything. I have played so much Monopoly that I usually am able to read my opponents intentions pretty well," he said.

I tilted my head in thought. "Have you ever considered the fact that your mother's obsession with Monopoly could be considered child abuse?" I asked not impolitely.

John gave me a wry grin. "It's crossed my mind, yeah."

* * *

I think my favorite time period in human history is when the Black Death was at its height. It is probably the best thing that has ever been named after me. It was ruthlessly efficient, had a very high clear rate yet not so high that I didn't have free time, and it was very popular at the time amongst the pyromaniac community. Those guys are strangely enough a very tough sell.

I prefer to think of the Black Death in comparison to Monopoly, but sadly I know I have to concentrate on the game. I look to my right and see the handful of properties I own. It hasn't been a bad start by any means. I have two of the Railroads, Reading and Short Line. I also have three colored properties: Baltic of the dark purples, Virginia of the light purples, and Illinois of the reds that I obtained when I was forced by a card to go there. Due to another one of my house rules once a player gains control of a color it is impossible for the other player to purchase any other of the same color. This prevents already lengthy games from entering stalemate territory. This rule was implemented when I had a four year game that only ended after I destroyed my opponent's soul. Oh don't give me that look; he was kind of a dick anyway.

While I had five properties John had six. He owned Pennsylvania Railroad which, not being colored, was an exception to the rule about property splits. He also owned one of those utilities that I never cared about. They were just about worthless as far as I was concerned and thus I didn't bother to remember which one he owned. The real problem was that he owned both St. James Place as well as New York Ave which meant that he only needed one more property, Tennessee, to gain all three oranges. If he were to unite the oranges under his flag it would be quite deadly indeed. I should know after all, I _am_ Death. Aside from those he also had one of the yellows as well as one of the greens.

"I'll trade you-" John started until I interrupted him with a forceful "no."

"Hey, you didn't even hear what I was going to offer. Maybe it is a really good deal," John said.

"It is against my rules to trade in a two person game. There is nothing to gain by doing it. No trades, John. Ever." I think I made myself quite clear.

John frowned and scooped the dice in his hand. "That's exactly what I was expecting to hear anyway," he said glumly.

"Your mind games aren't going to work on me, John. I've met every psychologist who has ever published anything worth a damn about the human mind. Not only that you aren't even dealing with a human mind. Save it for someone a little bit more in your league."

"Okay," John said without complain and then rolled the dice.

I looked at John and mulled over our latest conversation. Ever since we had started the game he had been trying to get in verbal jabs every now and again to absolutely no success. He talked a big game and I could certainly appreciate a good bluff but he didn't really have anything going for him. His buying strategies were mediocre and he didn't possess any forethought in his purchases. I have met liberal arts majors with more real estate sense than John was currently displaying in our game.

"Ah sweet, I rolled two doubles and then landed on Tennessee," John said to bring me back to the game. I looked down and grimaced at the board. "I think I'll buy that and put two houses on each orange property," he continued. At his declaration houses popped onto the board and his money floated back into the bank.

"That was nothing but pure luck, you realize," I said feeling not as generous as I had a few moments prior.

John shrugged. "Sometimes it is better to be lucky than good. Isn't that what life is all about? A lot of people get lucky very early in their life and are essentially set for life. You do an awfully lot of complaining for a timeless entity who has supposedly seen the creation of the universe."

"When did I ever say I was any of that?" I questioned.

John pointed behind me and I turned my head to find he was pointing out a very thick book that was sitting on a shelf in plain sight.

"'_A Guide to the Universe by an Entity Who Has Seen the Creation of the Universe. Written by Death._' Oh, I suppose I did say that didn't I. It wasn't as popular as I had thought it would be. I think the title didn't appeal to people the way I wanted it to," I said.

"I cannot imagine why," John said with more sarcasm than I thought was strictly necessary.

"It is hard writing a book. You should try it sometime before you judge others," I reprimanded.

"I almost fell asleep just reading the title though. Why not something like '_The Universe'_ by Death. I am sure a lot of people would have been glad to read that. It sounds all epic and stuff."

Before John was finished speaking I had a marker out and was blacking out the former title of my book. I know a good idea when I hear it.

"Hey we are playing a game here! And it is your roll! Get back to the table and roll into my oranges!" John said testily.

After I had finished renaming my book I sat back down and looked at John. "Know that if I win this game the first thing you will do as my minion is to read that book," I said seriously.

John shuddered. I don't think he was much of a reader.

* * *

See you down the rabbit hole.

Chris


	41. The Troubles of a Fox

**Chapter 38: The Troubles of a Fox **

* * *

**With Minato and Company  
**

Minato stared at where the door to the White Space had been for a very long moment before he let out a sigh. He was really going to have to find a way to make the Shinigami pay for this; that list was getting longer by the hour.

_**I could always help, Yondaime. Perhaps if you allow me free reign of your soul we could find some way to get revenge.**_

Minato twitched. Did the Kyuubi really think he was that gullible?

_**It was worth a shot.**_

Minato didn't appreciate the shot very much.

_**You are the type who likes subtle strokes, huh?**_

At that moment it dawned on Minato that the Kyuubi could hear his every thought. It also occurred to him that everyone else was staring at him like he had gone mad. Minato decided that now was not the best time to congratulate his company about how perceptive they were as a collective.

"I need to think something over. Go on without me, I'll catch up," Minato said as coolly as he could. He was exceptional at hiding his emotions but in front of the people who knew him best he never stood a chance.

Fortunately Kushina merely raised an eyebrow and said nothing before she turned away from her husband and went deeper into the In Between.

Minato looked at Jiraiya who was about to speak up but the blond quickly shook his head at the man. "Go, sensei. I'll explain later."

Jiraiya nodded and, along with the rest of the group, followed Kushina.

Minato kept a plastic smile on his face until they were out of sight before he tapped himself on the head; his method of entering his subconscious mind.

Minato was at heart a romantic. Thus it should surprise no one that while Naruto's mind scape often resembled a sewer due to his rough childhood, Minato's was a to-scale replica of Konoha. It disgusted the Kyuubi, who was currently sitting in Minato's comfy Hokage chair contemplating the events that had led to this moment.

The Kyuubi looked down at her current appearance and recalled the night she – at the time _he_ – had been dragged away by the Shinigami. The Kyuubi had been around for hundreds of years and that night she had known that the small blond man that stood in front of her paled in comparison to the great Sage which she had originally been birthed from. Further still he wasn't even the greatest of the short list of leaders in his paltry village's history. Next to her might he was insignificant. Her knowledge had not served her well that night. The outcome could have been different if she didn't make one damnable mistake. She had overlooked just one thing. Minato was... kind of a dick. Oh, and the fierce look of determination in his eyes. That turned out to be sort of important as well.

The Kyuubi had always had a weakness for eyes. The cursed eyes of the Uchiha could enslave her at a glance, and so over time the Kyuubi had learned to avoid those eyes. So fearsome was their power that she had forgotten that eyes hold more to them than vicious curses and strange abilities. Eyes were a window to the soul and by looking into a person's eyes the Kyuubi could glimpse at the power lying within. She should have looked closer into those blue orbs. Minato gave everything about himself away to anyone wise enough to see it. As far as the Kyuubi was concerned it was a mental defect. The inability to let go of impossible situations, to sacrifice anyone other than himself. He couldn't do it. It made him weak, really. That's what the Kyuubi told herself at any rate. His refusal to lose in the face of any odds gave him the ability to pull out frankly bullshit powers and skills as far as the Kyuubi was concerned. Seriously, who calls on the Shinigami to do their dirty work? A damn fool, that is who. Albeit an incredibly powerful fool.

The Kyuubi repressed a shiver as she noticed the skies over Konoha darken. It was fitting for dark thoughts to be accompanied by dark omens. Namikaze Minato was perhaps the darkest thought of all for the tailed beast. That crazy son of a bitch who died just to take half of her essence with him into death. It was absurd. Now here she was stuck within his mind and he was mentally disciplined enough to create this vast city of detail and splendor. It would have been a trifling matter for her to create this, but for a mortal mind it was staggering. The Shinigami was many things, but stupid never among them. He had not given her any freedom, instead he locked her into a very scary cage with someone with enough willpower to suppress her own formidable mental strength. Luckily for her the Yondaime hadn't realized it yet.

As she thought that thunder rolled in the distance.

She hoped he hadn't realized.

Speaking of the Shinigami though, since when did she refer to herself as a female? She correctly suspected that a certain god of death was to blame for this development. The Shinigami would have been most pleased to know that he was on her mind.

The Kyuubi suddenly felt Minato's presence approach the room and schooled her features. This was going to be difficult. She could afford to give nothing away in front of this man. Nothing.

* * *

**The White Space**

Itachi had never given much thought to his own personality while he was amongst the living; who knew what sort of hijinks an Uchiha could get up to if they looked within themselves. It would probably involve a flock of crows and some sort of symbolism about the moon. It was always the moon. He had been too busy training and trying to please his family to develop much of a personality in those important, formative years. As he grew into an adult the needs of his family were slowly superseded with the needs of his brother to the point where he had sacrificed everything – including his meager personality traits – for the good of his younger brother and Konoha as a whole. He had buried his emotions, committed mass murder, and then kept the secrets of who he truly was locked away in a very small and very well hidden box in the outskirts of his mind for none to see. He lived for others and he had died for others. He had never truly been his own person until the moment of his death. Now free of the chains of obligation Itachi realized something very important about himself: His life was chock full of unfulfilled promise with no actual payoff. Much like this paragraph.

Itachi's thoughts were interrupted as a voice spoke up behind him.

"Brooding suits you, I think. You look very natural staring off into a great white nothing."

Itachi was about to respond when another voice cut him off.

"I am gagging and I don't even have a gag reflex."

Itachi turned around to see a feminine looking boy looking at a large demonic-like figure.

"I was just being observant, Shinigami-sama," the boy said.

"I believe that is what Orochimaru calls it when he looks at little boys, Haku-chan. Yes, definitely observant. Just saying," the Shinigami replied.

Haku blushed at the inference. "I don't think that's appropriate, Shinigami-sama."

The Shinigami waved Haku off. 'I don't think I care, Haku-chan." A moment later the Shinigami's calculating eyes turned to Itachi and he grinned in the most unfriendly manner possible. "Uchiha Itachi. I am glad you could drop by." Itachi didn't think he sounded very glad. "Perhaps we could step aside for a moment and have a chat. You like chats, don't you?" The Shinigami asked with far too much enthusiasm.

Itachi looked at the Shinigami for all of one moment before he replied, "No thank you, Shinigami-sama."

The Shinigami tilted his head at Itachi before he snapped his fingers. Clearly he had just thought of something. "Right, I forgot inbreeding really does have a significant impact on cognitive function. Either that or someone forgot to make a notation in your file that you would enjoy endless misery in a sea of your own blood. Do you like the taste of your own blood, Itachi-kun?"

Itachi was a smart guy, and so he realized quickly when he had made a mistake. The Shinigami's demeanor made it really, spectacularly obvious that he had made a mistake. He tried to rectify his error. "I am sorry, Shinigami-sama, no offense was meant."

The Shinigami waved him off just as he had done Haku earlier. "It takes a lot to offend me-"

"Bullshit," Haku said, not so cleverly disguising it as a very forced and all around sad excuse for a cough.

"-Note to self: torture Haku."

Haku shifted uncomfortably. He really needed to learn to have better comedic timing. That probably consisted of never trying to be funny, or observant for that matter, in the presence of the Shinigami.

If the Shinigami noticed Haku's discomfort he didn't mention it and continued to speak to Itachi. "If you had offended me you would not have the ability to make futile apologies to me. Know that you stand before a god, and you are still standing because it amuses me to still allow you to do so." The Shinigami reached into his robes and grabbed a glass of water, half empty, and placed it on the ground next to him for no apparent reason. He then continued to speak. "I never ask anything of anyone. I demand. If you believe I have asked it is your meager mind breaking down on you. The next time you make such a mistake I am going to assist your mind on its breaking down. I hear the ritual knives some of my underlings use cut through soul matter like butter. I do so enjoy butter." The Shinigami adjusted his robes and changed his tone of voice to something that could be confused with lightness. "Now, may I have a moment of your time, please?"

Itachi could not have answered fast enough. "Yes. A moment. Sounds great," he said in an uncharacteristically staggered speech pattern. The Shinigami had that effect on people.

The Shinigami clapped his hands together. "Excellent. I am glad we have come to an understanding." The Shinigami turned to Haku. "Haku as much as it pains me to say this you are now in charge of the White Space whilst I am entertaining our guest. Screw up as little as possible." A moment later both he and Itachi had disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

Haku sighed while he watched the smoke slowly dissipate. This wasn't going to end well. Literally nothing he could do in this situation was going to make it end well, so he should probably have some fun. He was about to turn around and spin around in Minato's comfy looking chair while shouting 'whee' when the glass of water that the Shinigami had placed on the floor caught his attention. If Haku was as self-aware as he should have been he might have noticed that there was no reason for that glass of water to catch his attention, and yet it had for some mysterious and strange reason.

But then again this wouldn't be very funny if Haku was self-aware.

Haku chuckled as he went to pick up the glass. As he did so he noticed a tiny piece of paper with a word on it floating in the water. Haku bent down to try to get a better look at what it said but before he could make out the word the universe felt as if it turned itself upside down and Haku was deposited into the glass. The word written on the paper had been "sucker."

A moment later Haku was swimming in water, his clothes a fashion disaster – his words not mine - and staring up at the rim of the glass.

"What the F-" Haku began only to be cut off by a very loud and unmistakably amused chuckle.

"Now now Haku-chan, that is no way to speak when amongst friends," the Shinigami said, now holding the glass in his hand.

"You!" Haku screamed.

"Well of course, Haku-chan. I was even so kind as to give you an advance warning that I was going to torture you. Yet here we are, with you shrunk down to the size of a grain of sand in a glass of water. Do you enjoy swimming, Haku?"

Haku smirked. "Well yes, I actually do-" something brushed against Haku's leg before he could finish that sentence.

"How about sharks?" The Shinigami asked conversationally.

Haku turned around to see a dorsal fin beginning to circle him.

"Get me out of here!" Haku screamed.

"Aren't you a ninja? Fight back, silly."

"Right," Haku said. He turned around and prepared to launch an ice lance right at the great beast. He let out a feral scream and threw his right arm forward in a clear throwing motion. Nothing appeared.

The Shinigami cackled.

"You knew that would happen!" Haku accused.

"Well, duh. This isn't called torture for its penchent of being fair," the Shinigami stated what he thought was obvious.

As the shark crept closer the Shinigami started to make melodramatic sounds which went a long way to freak Haku out about the situation. As the dorsal fin was nearly upon him Haku closed his eyes and prepared for the worst.

Well, or so Haku thought. What came next would live on in his nightmares, lurking just below the surface of his waking mind, for all of his eternity.

Orochimaru, naked except for a dorsal fin attached to his back, was hugging Haku. That about sums up the situation.

"Well aren't you just the most precious little boy I've ever seen! Who does your hair? Your skin is so smooth. You've got a bloodline limit don't you? I _love_ those! We would look so good together!"

"Shinigami! Help! Help!" Haku screamed.

Sadly for Haku the Shinigami was too busy puking off to the side of the glass. He had underestimated just how sick Orochimaru's antics made him. A small price to pay for the torture of Haku. The Shinigami peeked back into the glass and promptly puked some more. Perhaps he should have hired someone else to check on how this particular project was going. He'd need to get on that.

* * *

**Break Room of the DAMNED **

The Shinigami entered the Break Room of the DAMNED after depositing Itachi somewhere hospitable and grabbed some coffee. He was still using the vast supply of mortal cookies he had stolen from Gaara for his amusement and he figured he might as well enjoy the sugary snacks instead of letting them go to waste. He was sure that Gaara would appreciate the fact that _someone_ got to enjoy the delectable treats. (1)

The Shinigami took a sip as a dark-haired man stepped up beside him and grabbed the pot of tea and began to pour himself a cup. The Shinigami waved a hand at the man cheekily. "Ah, Madara-kun it is a delight as always to see you. How long has it been?"

Uchiha Madara, the original one that is completely and utterly dead, glanced sideways at the Shinigami with his sharingan spinning wildly. After a pause he responded."I try my best to not keep too close a track of our encounters."

The Shinigami chuckled darkly at the response. He would make Madara pay for his snide attitude later. The brat had clearly not learned enough of a lesson from the Shinigami's torment of the man's childhood. The Shinigami shelved such thoughts and focused on current events. "So Madara-kun, you are aware that my judge of the dead believes you are behind all of the upheaval in the world, right?"

Madara put some honey into his tea before responding. "Yup."

"Aren't you big on your legacy not being tarnished and all of that dreadfully boring talk?"

Madara shrugged.

The Shinigami took a sip of his coffee while he considered Madara for a moment. "Are you not going to introduce yourself and clarify the situation so that he doesn't waste any more of his time devising torture methods especially for you?"

Madara took a swig of his tea and a small smile adorned his face before he turned his attention back to the Shinigami. "Nope."

The Shinigami nodded and took a sip of his coffee. "So, have any free time you could spare for your old pal the Shinigami?" The Shinigami appeared confused what the difference between old pal and torturer was.

Madara considered him for a moment. "Does this involve a naked Orochimaru?"

The Shinigami's eyes narrowed. Someone was going to suffer tremendously for letting that leak out. "Coincidentally, yes it does."

Madara merely laughed and left the room without saying another word.

The Shinigami took a bite out of his cookie as he thought over the brief interaction with Madara. Perhaps the man _had_ learned a few lessons from the Shinigami's time with him as a child. The Shinigami could have informed Minato himself about Madara's true identity, but the god had met his quota of good deeds and wasn't going to risk going over the limit. Who knew what type of horrible events would come to pass if the Shinigami started to be nice? Well, coincidentally the Shinigami knew what types of horrible events would come to pass: none at all. That _just _wouldn't do.

As far as Orochimaru was concerned the Shinigami recalled that he hadn't done anything too terrible to Nick since he had sent Zabuza to chop off the man's hand. A two for one special was exactly what the Shinigami was looking for these days! With that thought in mind he opened a portal to places unknown.

* * *

**Minato's Mind, Konoha**

Minato stood in front of his door. He didn't know what to expect out of this conversation. The Kyuubi was known for being devious and cunning, but within his own mind he would have the upper hand. Minato had sharp instincts though, and they were telling him that for everything to go smoothly in this dark realm he could not afford the distraction of having the Kyuubi constantly attempting to wrest control of his mind away from him. In other words he would need to tame the Kyuubi to some extent. On second thought perhaps he should just go get his wife and let the two of them sort out their personal problems while Minato was far away and hopefully enjoying some popcorn with Jiraiya. As the thought crossed his mind the door to his office suddenly blew open with considerable force. Minato sighed; it really was a great tragedy when your own subconscious decided to betray you.

Minato entered the Hokage office to the sight of a beautiful woman with dark red hair rubbing her slender hands up and down _his_ chair, behind _his _desk. The woman looked up at him with a coy smile on her porcelain face.

"Ah, Yondaime, we meet once again. Lovely chair you have here, it is nice to sink my paws into something so... luxurious," the Kyuubi practically purred.

The smile that found its way onto Minato's face held no warmth. "Oh, that old thing? You should be careful with how you touch it, who knows when it will fall into pieces."

The Kyuubi rolled her eyes. "Clever, Yondaime. Forgetting for a moment that we are in your mind and thus this chair's condition is of no consequence, it as new as the day-shit!" the Kyuubi cursed as she fell ass first onto the stone floor of the office as the chair had broken into several pieces. Not just any pieces though, each piece was blue, small, and had a white 'm' on the front of it

Minato promptly sat down in one of the visitor's chairs and kicked his feet up on the desk. "I believe it would be unwise to forget, even for a moment, that this is indeed my mind." Minato took a moment to pop a chocolate candy into his mouth. "I have been told it can be a scary place to the uninvited."

The Kyuubi snarled at Minato, her charade of calmness forgotten. "You are the same loathsome, arrogant man you were the night you died. I see that death has not managed to humble you at all."

"Well I am the judge of the dead while you are the Shinigami's bitch. I'd say score one for me," Minato replied with a smirk, abandoning any pretense of civility along with the Kyuubi.

The Kyuubi smiled cruelly at the blond. "Do you really think our situations are much different, Namikaze Minato?" the Kyuubi said silkily. "We are both but playthings for that damnable death god. He chooses to mock me at every turn while he makes you his little judge. It reminds me of how mortal children would play dress up with their dolls. That is what you are to him Yondaime, a pretty little doll that he hasn't quite outgrown yet."

The Kyuubi's taunt was not the first time Minato had heard that sentiment, although it was the first time it had come from someone other than himself. The Shinigami had been good to him in the grand scheme of things but it was difficult to pinpoint exactly _why_ he had been good to him. The Shinigami was far too sinister a being to leave it to good fortune that out of all of his deceitful interactions and despicable dealings that Minato was the sole relationship untainted by devious motivations. With all of that said that was not going to be a conversation he wanted to have with the Kyuubi of all people, and so he wouldn't.

"I can still hear your thoughts if you insist on broadcasting so loudly, Yondaime ," the Kyuubi interjected.

Minato's gaze suddenly hardened and when he spoke next it was with a cold tone. "Then stop listening, Kyuubi-chan."

Lightning flashed in the background as the Kyuubi shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Minato was unsure what the Kyuubi was thinking about, but it was clear his point had been made. As he pondered over what to say next several thoughts not his own floated into his head.

"Streets go both ways y'know," Minato said suddenly. When the Kyuubi didn't respond he continued. "You don't protect your thoughts as much as you would like to think. So I control everything here, including you? That's interesting."

The Kyuubi gritted her teeth. "I will rebel against your control with everything I am. I will shred at the walls of your mind until-"

"Ah geesh can you shut up already with the dramatics?" Minato asked, his harsh demeanor now gone. Before the Kyuubi could muster a reply he pressed on. "I have no interest in harming you. You are a means to an end here. As you know, I have business in this place and that comes before everything else. I am not going to allow that twisted asshole Kabuto to harm souls under my protection. You have firsthand experience about the lengths I am willing to go to protect the people I am entrusted with. I don't get distracted easily."

"Indeed," the Kyuubi said. "You will go to any lengths, with no thought of who you may harm in the process, to accomplish your goals. Your ruthlessness is perhaps your greatest attribute." It was hard to tell if the Kyuubi was mocking Minato or giving him an honest compliment behind the coy smile she was wearing once again.

"I was desperate," Minato murmured softly, taking the Kyuubi by surprise if her head snapping up was any indication.. "If I had a choice I would have never left my son without his father or, more importantly, his mother. It became clear to me as I watched the events unfold before my eyes that there wasn't any choice. That masked man showed me that night that Konoha had powerful enemies who were capable of remaining hidden until they could choose the moment to reveal themselves." Minato got of the chair he had been sitting in and walked towards the window that gave a view of the entire city. Once he was gazing out over Konoha as he remembered it he pressed on. "I defeated him that night but I didn't feel safe in the knowledge that he would not attempt something else again; if I was to merely defeat you that he would not be able to track you down when you reentered the world again. I would have had a country to run, I couldn't be an absentee leader. Even assuming I _could_ have done that, I had no assurances that I could have defeated that man again. Leaders don't get to put their own lives before that of their people, and fathers give their sons the best tools to survive in a harsh world. It was just my dumb luck that Naruto had the opportunity to be given _you_."

"I am not something to be given!" The Kyuubi yelled, her eyes turning blood red as she did so.

Minato remained calm, although a bitter smile had wormed its way onto his face. "Yes, you are."

The Kyuubi clenched her fist. "How dare-"

"We are all tools for others, in one way or another," Minato interrupted. When the Kyuubi did not appear willing to respond to that, he continued. "You were sealed within people. I was anointed a war hero and a symbol for the future before I was barely old enough to shave. We send good people to die on a daily basis just to make a point, to keep the majority safe. In our place you would do the same. You would purge us all in an instant if it meant protecting your interests. You are just pissed that you weren't in that position."

The Kyuubi wanted to scream denials, but she could not. "The sage... would never have..." she muttered weakly.

"The sage is long dead. His wisdom was vast, but a dead man cannot keep peace and cannot stop evil men from having desires." The bitterness in Minato's voice was unmistakable. There was no mistake that he was not talking solely about the sage with that comment. "That is why I entrusted my son with the future. Just as I have been entrusted with safeguarding the souls of the afterlife." Minato turned away from his beloved city back to the Kyuubi. "I could fight you, and I would win. It would be harrowing and it would exhaust me, but it would be done. That is not what I want. So here it is, all the cards on the table. I am here to make an offer in exchange for your cooperation."

The Kyuubi snorted. "What could you possibly have to offer me?"

Minato smiled slightly. He had worn that same smile many times just before victory in battle. "I will bring you to the Sage of the Six Paths."

The Kyuubi stilled. "The Shinigami would never allow-"

"I don't care," Minato cut in. "I will deal with him when the time comes. I know how much you respected that man, and how much you missed him when he was gone. You give me something I want, you get what you want. That's about as fair as deals get around this place in my experience."

The Kyuubi considered Minato's words. He reeked of desperation. He became more problematic the more desperate he became from her experience. She closed her eyes and recalled vividly once more the night her world ended as she knew it. The pain, the mockery, the humiliation. She could not let go of that easily. And yet...

"Very well. I accept this offer. It would prove unwise to betray me, Namikaze," Kyuubi said the last part with considerable venom.

Minato grinned good-naturedly. "I'd never even consider it!"(2) With a snap of his fingers the room melted and a moment later Minato was staring up from his position on the floor.

Minato quickly dusted himself off and decided he should find his wife before she ended up murdering Jiraiya for an inappropriate comment. A few minutes of very fast running, aided by some skillful use of teleportation, Minato caught up to his wife. It was not the sight he was expecting to see.

Everyone save for Kushina was on the ground suffering from a wide range of injuries. Their souls appeared stable enough despite the various wounds covering their bodies.

Kushina herself had torn up a large majority of her clothing and had several large gashes all over her body. She smiled at her husband through panted breaths. "Hello Minato. Timely arrival as always," she said sarcastically.

Minato's mind went blank as he processed his surroundings. "What happened?" he said after several moments.

Kushina gently set her self on the ground and crossed her legs in front of her in an attempt to ease her discomfort. "Well, that's a funny story."

* * *

**Footnotes:**

**1: **The Shinigami enjoyed lying, even if it was only to himself

**2: **When Minato says that he never even considered it what he is actually saying is he spent several hours in front of a blackboard referencing several charts of his own making to see if it was a viable option. When he had found out that it was in fact _not_ one he burned the charts up and pouted at his desk for a good three days before Kushina roused him from his stupor.

* * *

**A/N: **Well it only took me nine months to give you guys an actual chapter for the story, but here it is! I really painted myself into a corner with how I was going to write this and the scene with Minato and the Kyuubi was rewritten more times than I care to count. I just couldn't seem to get it right for so long that even after I stopped being busy all the time I was burned out trying to fix it. Finally I was able to speak with a good friend who offered a brilliant suggestion that solved most of the problems and here we are. One of my goals in this chapter plotwise was to attempt to change the Kyuubi a bit to fit more into Naruto canon now, Shinigami's cruel joke of turning him into a female aside. I am glad that everyone who reviewed got a kick out of the side chapter of sorts I posted back in March, made me feel a little less guilty about keeping you guys waiting so long. Who knows, if I ever learn how to meet a deadline maybe I might just make it as a writer yet. Thank you for reading, and don't forget to scroll down a little bit more and review and tell me how you liked this chapter. Love it or hate it, I always appreciate my long time readers and new readers alike telling me what they thought.

**Delphinous -** I hope I was able to do Itachi a little bit of justice although obviously his inclusion in the chapter was but a small preview of his adventures. I am glad you enjoy how I have characterized Minato, I try my best to make him live up to his status in the Manga without becoming too dull. Between you and me I am awfully tempted to screw with canon a bit and have Minato himself appear to Naruto, we'll see.

**Yournameandnumber - **You wanted the Sage, well, you got him! Not on screen yet, but the trap is laid...

**To anyone who mentioned Monopoly - **It is funny how my mind is able to wrap around a random idea and pursue it to its fullest. Everyone really seemed to get a kick out of it, and I am glad!

Thank you everyone who reads, I appreciate it. I didn't mention it last chapter but I had some rough months since last October but a lot of bad stuff is over in my life now, and I should be able to deliver a lot more in the story department this year. Expect a Doctor Who/Naruto story out of me before the month is over, that one has been getting refined for awhile now.

See you guys soon,

Chris


	42. Kushina Strikes Back

**Chapter 39: Kushina Strikes Back  
**

* * *

**The Shinigami's Office  
**

The Shinigami came into his office as subtly as he knew how, by barging right in, and was greeted by the sight of Uchiha Itachi politely waiting for him.

"What are you doing here?" the Shinigami asked in honest curiosity.

Itachi's red eyes flicked over to the Shinigami. "You asked me to wait."

The Shinigami had indeed done that. "Well yes, but it has been almost six hours. You could have stretched your legs or something."

Itachi closed his eyes in a futile attempt to hide his frustration.

Such tactics may have worked on his fellow ninja, but the Shinigami was well practiced from his many verbal spars with Minato at spotting when people were annoyed. It let him know that he needed to be more cruel.

"Even so," Itachi said after a moment, "You made it clear that I was not to defy you otherwise I would be experiencing unpleasantness of some kind." This was a vast understatement, there had definitely been mention of blood. "I do not mind waiting if it is asked of me. What is this about, Shinigami-sama?"

The Shinigami grinned and Itachi immediately shivered at the horrible sight. "Well Itachi-kun it just so happens that I am here to make you an offer."

Itachi raised an eyebrow but gave no other response to the proclamation.

"You see, if I just left you to the wolves who knows what horrible things my judge of the dead might do to you. It would indeed be what some could describe as tragic.(1) However I, in my infinite mercy, have decided to spare you in exchange for a services contract."

Itachi mulled over the Shinigami's words for a brief time before he spoke. "In our previous meeting you said that you do not ever ask anyone anything, but demand. Is this still the case?"

The Shinigami frowned at Itachi. The Uchiha was a clever boy, and he didn't like the trait of cleverness overly much. "No. You have the right not to take this offer, but it would be very foolish for you to decline."

"Why? I am well aware of my many misdeeds, however I am ready to answer for them. I may hold many regrets, but that doesn't mean that I should run away from what I have done," Itachi said with conviction.

The Shinigami shrugged. It was time to break out the trump card. "If you insist. Although I for one would not want to be you when Minato comes to the part of your life where you hurt his dear, sweet Naruto."

Itachi's eyes widened. "Namikaze Minato is the judge of the dead?"

"Yup," the Shinigami said, trying his best to hide his smug satisfaction at Itachi's reaction. For once he was successful.

Itachi took a steadying breath, one he didn't really need to take considering he was dead, and thought over the information he had been given.

The Shinigami waited as patiently as he could and after three seconds said, "I don't have all day, Itachi-kun. I have people to kill. Literally, this scythe doesn't swing itself." The truth was that the scythe could swing itself, but the Shinigami wasn't about to tell _him _that.

Itachi smiled in response. The Shinigami didn't like that smile.

"I am going to both accept and decline your offer, Shinigami-sama. I must be judged for what I have done and I fully plan on doing just that. However, I would be honored to help you in any capacity that you see fit. I have gathered from the clues you have given me that Yondaime-sama's appointment as judge of the dead was an attempt to frighten me into accepting your offer. There was no need to do anything of the sort, however you did not know that. Allow me to be judged, and then I am yours to do with as you like."

The Shinigami was impressed, this mortal in front of him was pretty good at that whole 'thinking' thing people seemed so fond of exalting. Moreover, this mortal in front of him was soon to be his; all the better. "It hurts me that you would say such terrible things about me," the Shinigami said as unconvincingly as godly possible. "However I am pleased you have seen fit to agree to my offer. If Minato leaves anything of your soul when he is done judging you tell him to send you my way. Now off with you little mortal." The Shinigami waved the Uchiha out of his office and the man didn't have to be told twice as he bolted out the door.

The Shinigami walked over to his chair and sat down. His collection of mortals was growing, making it easier for him to do what he loved to do most: kill and torture people. The Shinigami glanced at his desk and noted the two folders on it. Each was a good target for Itachi to stalk and torture, but that meant one less person for the Shinigami to have fun with. Perhaps Itachi would be better suited to filing paperwork.

The Shinigami shook his head, that wouldn't be wise. It would be a shame to interrupt Minato's fun, after all.

* * *

**With Tobi **

Tobi, sometimes called Uchiha Madara, was back at his blackboard. Oh how he loved his blackboard. In fact, the blackboard may have been the only thing left in the world he did love. Well, except for cake. So far the plan to manipulate his fellow members of Akatsuki to their deaths was going well. Next up was going to have to be Nagato, mostly because it was about time he got his Rinnegan back. Perhaps he could hook up with Konan before he murdered her as well. There was nothing wrong with a little pleasure of the flesh on the way to global domination.

Tobi caught the underlined name Uzumaki Naruto off to the side and his eye narrowed. That brat could become a problem if he wasn't dealt with soon. What was it about the clan of Uzumaki that predisposed them to be such self-righteous pains in the ass? Tobi suddenly got an idea and he began to laugh darkly as he put the logistics of it down on the blackboard. It was perfect, Uzumaki versus Uzumaki. Whoever survived the encounter, likely Nagato, would be easy pickings for him. He would have the Kyuubi's power in his grasp and he would be unopposed to do with that power whatever he pleased.

The temperature in the room dropped as Tobi thought about a certain man. Namikaze Minato had delayed his ascension to the throne for fifteen years, but the delays were now over and done with. The fool had given his life to stop the world from bowing but in the end that sacrifice would be worth nothing. Tobi would kill his son, destroy the world he had fought to protect, and laugh all the while.

Tobi's thoughts were interrupted by a soft dinging noise off to the right. Tobi smiled underneath his mask. "Tobi's cake is done, hooray cake eating time!"

Perhaps Tobi was not quite as prepared as he thought. Or sane, for that matter.

* * *

**Kushina's Story Time **

Kushina didn't know a lot about the afterlife, as she tried her best to remain ignorant for her own sanity, but she did know that her vision was still a lot better than Minato's. So when the red-head was sure that Minato could no longer see her she turned around to see what he was up to, because it was only when he was _not_up to something that she started to become truly worried. She had not expected to see him crumple to the floor and winced when his skull smacked violently against the ground. The kunoichi loved her husband dearly, but she wasn't sure how many more bumps to the head his spirit could take before he started to crack. It was probably for the best that Kushina had never stumbled upon Minato's candy drawer if she was worried about his mental health. Or any of the five drawers dedicated to his charts, for that matter.

Kushina was about to go to her husband when a surprising voice stopped the red-head in her tracks.

"Don't, Kushina-san. Minato knows what he is doing," Zabuza said.

Kushina spun around and glared at the man. "I don't recall asking for your opinion when it comes to the well-being of my husband, dattebane!"

Zabuza had to stop himself from openly shaking from the glare he received. He hadn't had much of a chance to converse with Minato's wife but from the incidents he had seen in person she was almost as scary as her husband. She probably would have ranked higher if he still didn't remember vividly what had happened to Kakazu. Kushina would just beat the hell out of him, Minato had shown a troubling capacity for throwing people into an endless ocean and forgetting about them. "You didn't ask me, I know," Zabuza acknowledged. "However I have spent a lot of time with Minato-sama over the last several years. I have learned how he operates and I trust his judgment. Whatever it is that he is doing, he is doing it in an optimal fashion. It is just how he is programmed."

Kushina blew a strand of hair out of her face in annoyance but otherwise did not argue the point as she turned back around and started to head deeper into the realm of darkness before them.

Jiraiya pulled up to the side of Zabuza with an amused grin on his face. "So Minato managed to tame a former seven swordsman of the mist huh?" Before Jiraiya could react Zabuza's left fist connected with his jaw and sent him to the ground.

"Minato-sama has earned my respect as a shinobi," Zabuza said pointedly. "You are just a perverted old man who wandered onto a good find. Don't push your luck," He left Jiraiya to pout on the ground as Rin and Obito tried to help the sage up.

Kushina glanced sideways at Zabuza who was watching the darkness ahead of them, presumably for any sign of trouble. Now that she thought about it she hadn't had many conversations with Zabuza over the years despite him being Minato's assistant. She had read his file of course, as well as every other person who had regular contact with her husband. He was quite different from what she had imagined. She had envisioned more blood dripping from various parts of his body, for instance.

"If something is on your mind, spill it," Zabuza said suddenly without moving his eyes from the road ahead of him.

Kushina was never one to ignore such an invitation "You're weird," she said bluntly.

Zabuza let out a hollow laugh. "No shit, most ninja are."

Kushina shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I expected something a lot different out of you. Yet every time I've observed you it seems like you are a good person," she said earnestly.

Zabuza raised his eyebrow at that latest remark. "You really suck at giving compliments, you know that?"

Kushina's cheeks flushed in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. "If I am bothering you so much how about I just kick your ass, dattebane!"

Zabuza decided that Minato had been right, his wife really was very attractive when she was angry. Zabuza also decided that it would be a wise idea if that thought never found its way out of his mouth. Before Zabuza could stutter out a reply a loud snapping sound could be heard from somewhere in front of him and a shadowy figure stepped into his vision.

A moment later the others caught up to Kushina and Zabuza who were standing very still, observing the newcomer. The most troubling sign was that there wasn't much to observe. Even though the figure was only a couple dozen feet from them his outline remained obscured as if they were under some sort of genjutsu. The group felt as if the _thing _in front of them sought only to oppress them, and it was a struggle for each of them to remain standing rather than bow and to beg for mercy. Only Kushina seemed unaffected by whatever aura the creature gave off.(2)

After close to a minute the figure finally spoke. "Hello," the figure said in a deep voice. "You have invaded my master's domain and for that you must perish or serve." The threat was easier to see than Naruto on a stealth mission.

Obito raised his hand in the back and waited patiently to be called on from the shadowy figure who had just issued a death threat.

Rin looked at her former teammate incredulously. "Obito-kun, do you really feel the need to be polite to someone who just put into question our continued existence?"

Obito looked at Rin and actually had to think about that question for a few seconds before finally lowering his hand and just asking a question of his own. "Shadow person sir, hello. Um, what if we choose neither?"

The figure tilted its head before answering. "There is no choice." Suddenly shadows shot out of the figure's body and penetrated straight through four of the five people. The fifth, aimed at Kushina, merely bounced away in her general direction. The figure narrowed its eyes. "You have been touched by a demon."

Kushina laughed confidently. "Yup! You can't touch me you freak, dattebane!"

The figure chuckled as it faded back into the shadows. "Perhaps, but can the same be said for your friends?"

Kushina blinked for a moment before she looked over at the others and saw with horror that their eyes were now pitch black. She knew possession when she saw it. With a frown fixed onto her face she leaped away from her friends to position herself in between them and her knocked out husband.

They all looked at Kushina with cruel smiles on their face, but it was the newest member of the dead that spoke first. "Kushina-chan," Jiraiya said in a monotone voice completely unlike his normal boisterous tone, "I will make this as quick as possible. Then I will ravish that delicate soul of yours and make you feel pleasure you've only ever dreamed of with that brat."

Kushina wondered briefly if she should hold that against Jiraiya or not, but quickly decided that such thoughts would have to be put on hold as Jiraiya charged her. She nimbly sidestepped the man's punch and buried a fist into his skull.

A moment later Jiraiya was down on the ground inside of a sizable crater and the shadows which had invaded his soul departed back into the darkness around them.

"In the afterlife many things are considered when determining the strength of a soul," Kushina supplied. "For instance, newly dead souls are weak compared to those that have been dead for years because they haven't adjusted. The toughness of the soul in life also has a tremendous effect on the soul's afterlife. I held back the Kyuubi from breaking free every day of my life, I don't suppose any of you quite measure up huh?" Kushina smiled evilly as her other possessed comrades slowly backed away from her. "So, all I have to do in order to end the possession is beat the crap out of you guys. Sounds fun!"

"And then," Kushina said to Minato, "I got a little bit reckless and let them get a few blows in on me. But as you can see your lovely wife once again triumphed over evil!"

Minato sighed, not sounding too impressed by Kushina's tale. "You know, that wasn't a particularly funny story."

"Haven't you learned that you are supposed to be supportive of your spouse after they have been through a traumatic event?" Kushina said sweetly to her husband.

Minato was about to point out that the unconscious people around her probably had more of a traumatic experience than she did but, being the smart person he is, thought better of it. "Of course Kushina-chan, I apologize for being inconsiderate. The story was very funny, I just am trying to be respectful of our friends and not laugh while they are injured."

Kushina, in a manner remarkably similar to her son, nodded her head sagely as if she actually bought the load of crap that Minato was trying to sell her. At least he tried; it was the thought that counted.

Not afraid that his wife was going to do him great bodily harm, for the moment, Minato began to write seals on the unconscious bodies. Possession from any kind of evil spirit was rare in the afterlife because of just how many gods were floating around to take care of any troublemakers, but Minato was a stickler for knowing random seals and one such seal was one that warded away evil spirits. Now if only he could get it to work around the Shinigami he'd be in business.

After he was done with the last seal, on Rin, Minato stood up and walked over to his wife who was now standing and already looking better. The wonders of the famed Uzumaki health. Even in death their energy could not be held back. Minato smiled, he wouldn't have it any other way. "That should take care of any problems from future possession. Unfortunately you worked them over pretty good, they won't be awake for a couple of hours at least. I am confident we can handle anything that comes our way though."

Kushina looked at Minato peculiarly for a moment. "Minato, why didn't you place a seal on yourself?"

Minato stilled at the question before letting a chuckle escape from his mouth. He had an excellent tactical mind and had a knack for always getting the minor details right, but no matter how hard he tried to he was terrible at lying to his wife. "Do you want the comforting lie or the truth?" Minato asked casually.

Kushina's eyes narrowed. "The truth," she said.

"The Shinigami put the Kyuubi inside of my head to open the doorway to this place," Minato said as calmly as he could manage. He fooled no one.

Kushina blinked twice as her mind tried to register what Minato had just said. While her brain worked overtime her mouth was not content to wait for it. "So what was the comforting lie going to be?"

Minato shrugged. "That I didn't need such a seal because the Shinigami owns my soul and therefore anything that tried to intrude would be violently rejected."

Kushina nodded slowly. "I think I'll take that answer."

Minato winced. "A little too late for that, darling," he said apologetically.

"I said I'll fucking take that answer, dattebane!" Kushina shouted in a very distressed manner.

Minato sighed as he looked at his wife. She was taking this better than he had expected. Then again he hadn't expected to have a head this far into the conversation so perhaps he had been overly pessimistic.

Kushina suddenly whipped out a sword and got a strange gleam in her eyes. "Just hold still Minato, I am a certified expert on all things Kyuubi! I promise that this won't hurt a bit, honey."

Minato paled. Okay, score one for his understanding of the woman he loved. "Now Kushina there's no need for such drastic measures. The Kyuubi and I have reached an understanding."

Kushina nodded once again. "Of course you have sweetie! Because we all know what humans do best is reason with creatures that are centuries old and are made of pure evil _and _can cause untold destruction at a moment's notice. I am just going to do some further bargaining on your behalf!" Kushina swung her sword as quickly as she could and clucked her tongue when Minato dodged the attack easily.

"Hey now," Minato said while grinning widely. "I haven't seen you this feisty since our academy days. You were such a brat back then." Minato dodged three more skilled swings from Kushina. His eyes warmed as he looked at his wife. "But you had that beautiful hair of yours even then. Come on, Kushina-chan, have some faith in me."

Kushina stopped her next swing to look at her husband. He wore that same gentle smile he had the day he rescued her from those Cloud ninja. As if he couldn't be happier to be with her, even if she was trying to hack him to bits. She dropped the sword to her side and giggled. "I overdid it a bit, didn't I?"

"I've been with you for so long that I think my definition of overdoing it is stretched." That pronouncement was met with a glare. "Even so, I understand your concern. Please try to remember that my mind could be considered a scary place," Minato said.

"I couldn't agree more."

That would have been a perfectly normal response. If it had come from Kushina.

The two Konoha ninja turned to their left to see the gorgeous figure of the Kyuubi standing in front of them wearing something very similar to what Minato did as Hokage, down to the white cloak on her back. The only difference was that this outfit hugged her curves ridiculously well. The Kyuubi clapped her hands together and did a quick twirl around to show off every angle of the outfit as well as her taut body. "I've got to admit Yondaime, your tastes in threads is quite exceptional. For a human, anyway."

Kushina gaped at the demon she had played jailor to for decades. For once in her existence she had no words.

Minato on the other hand decided to make the best out of a bad situation. He thought for a moment that his sensei would probably have a very different idea of "the best" if he was looking at the two female forms in front of him now, but decided that now was not the time to abandon his survival instincts in favor of perversion.

Somewhere all of the former Hokage were very, very disappointed in their successor. (3)

"See Kushina? The Kyuubi is harmless." Minato suddenly felt a spike of demonic killing intent from the pretty woman to his left. "Okay, so _mostly _harmless. The point is we have agreed that working together is beneficial to both of us and it has the added benefit of likely pissing off the Shinigami. You like it when I piss off the Shinigami, right Kushina-chan?"

Kushina nodded her head sullenly. Kushina glanced over at the Kyuubi and a thought came to the forefront. "Hey, I thought you were a guy..."

The Kyuubi sighed. This was going to get old fast. "I am, or was. It is hard to tell the difference anymore. To sum it up as best as I can, the Shinigami is a dick."

"Agreed," both Kushina and Minato responded at the same time.

Kushina looked over to her husband. "Hey, she has red hair too. Do you think-"

"Too dark," Minato interrupted her with a kind smile.

The Kyuubi looked between the two and snorted. Mortals needed to be reassured far too often for her liking. She had taken naps longer than their average lifespan. Their whims bothered her greatly, although they were preferred over the Shinigami's whims which she had been subjected to. A god shouldn't know how to use a machete that well.

Kushina turned to the Kyuubi and looked her up and down. "Y'know Kyuubi-"

"Kurama," the Kyuubi interrupted.

Kushina blinked. "Excuse me?"

The Kyuubi rolled her eyes. "My name is Kurama. Kyuubi was just my title, and seeing as I don't have any tails swishing around me making me look totally awesome it isn't even appropriate anymore."

"Why did I never know that?" Kushina asked.

Kurama looked at her darkly. "You never asked me for my name."

"Oh," Kushina said while looking at the floor, her previous train of thought forgotten. Kushina had a feeling she had done something very wrong to the creature in front of her, although her pride refused to let her fully admit it.(4)

Minato looked into the darkness ahead of them with a grim expression on his face. "I hate to interrupt the conversation but we are on a time table here. I don't know how long this is going to take. Or where we are going, for that matter. We won't be stopping from here on out." Minato turned to Kurama. "Are you fine with projecting yourself or do you want to conserve your energy?"

Kurama waved a delicate hand at Minato. "This costs me nothing. A simple trick."

Minato spotted Kushina's look of confusion. "Kurama is still inside of me, Kushina-chan." Minato chose to ignore the retort from Kurama that sounded suspiciously like 'bet you say that to all of the women' and continued. "All she is doing now is using her energy to appear. She is solid to the touch but would disappear if she exerted herself too much, kind of like a shadow clone. Like I said, harmless." Minato felt another wave of killing intent directed at him which caused him to roll his eyes. "_Mostly _harmless, excuse me."

Kushina nodded in understanding. "Makes sense. I guess we should be going, we've probably got a long way to travel, we are bound to run into that shadow guy or its master again."

Minato looked at his fallen friends before he turned towards the two women, loosely speaking, and both of them shivered at the malevolent expression on his face. Whereas before he was the lover and husband Kushina had fallen in love with, now he was the demon that Iwa still feared to this day. "Good," he said softly.

* * *

**Footnotes**:

**1:** The Shinigami on the other hand would only describe the scene as tragic if he didn't have popcorn available to snack on as the violence unfolded. It was for this reason whenever the Shinigami manipulated his playthings into conflict he made sure to have a microwave nearby. Mortals can be so cute when they have blood all over them.

**2: **Kushina saw Orochimaru naked once. She doesn't scare easy anymore.

**3:**Tsunade, in contrast, would have been very proud of Minato for his lack of perversion. Or so she would have claimed. Her inability to embrace her inner pervert is why she is the weakest Hokage. Shame on you Tsunade.

**4**: This conversation between Kurama and Kushina marks the first time, that I am aware, that the two really spoke to each other in anything but a hostile way. One of the things I have discovered while reading many of the recent manga chapters is that the Kyuubi/Kurama has kind of gotten retconned about as far as I am concerned. I feel the story would be outdated if I kept the Kyuubi as nothing but a demon killing machine and so this is a further effort on my part to attempt to turn Kurama into a character rather than a living trope of darkness and rage, as well as making Kushina think about some of _her_ shortcomings. Yes I know I actually used a foot note non-humorously, I apologize.

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**Review Replies: **

KaitanAtreides - Actually that is the whole point of doing this, so that the souls can be safe from Kabuto's clutches. Minato is working towards adjusting the sealing array to keep the souls in the afterlife and only send copies to the world. The question is, will he succeed or fail?

HikariNoTenshi-San - This is completely intentional and amuses _me_ greatly just thinking about it. I love dualities between villains and heroes, and it reflects in my writing.

general zargon - Thanks for the review, and I am sorry that it gets a little too serious in places. Hopefully this chapter was silly enough for you. I miss Secretary!Zabuza as well, actually. Take that as a good sign that once this small arc is over that Minato will be getting his secretary back.

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**A/N**: Well this is out in a much more timely manner than the last chapter, although I suppose that is not much of a challenge when my previous time was nine months, huh? Not only did I get this chapter out in that time I completely gutted chapter 2 and made it much funnier, and much better written than it was previously. That is the second and hopefully last time I will have to edit that chapter, you should check it out: I added 400% more Shinigami, which is always a good thing! I am pleased with how this chapter turned out, took me very little time to write it, and I think I struck gold when it came to how Minato and Kushina interacted with one another. Hopefully you guys agree, but if you don't let me know so I can improve.

I would also like to mention that I have begun to write a sort of spin off to this story that I won't be posting until it is finished. It is a Naruto-centric story co-starring the one and only Shinigami who has been tasked with making his life as awesome as possible as a personal favor to Minato. It will be Naruto/Hinata (I can hear Dragon Man 180's cheer from here) and it will be a very humorous story just like this one is. This will be the last you hear of it for awhile, but know a novel length Naruto story is steadily being worked on and that the Shinigami's days are only just beginning.

That brings me to the poll of the chapter. Since this chapter was dominated so much by the main characters I didn't get a chance to write many side scenes, so reviewers get to choose who is featured next chapter.

Choices:

Killer B

Danzo

Gaara

Or someone else entirely. Those are just the three I have in mind currently.

Until next time.

~ Chris


	43. A Note from the Author

**Note from the Author **

I am not overly fond of writing notes like this even though I have resorted to them in the past, so I apologize first and foremost. I just felt the need to make a note about what is happening behind the scenes with this story since so many people follow the story and look forward to my updates. For any readers of the latest manga releases you are likely aware that the latest arc has completely butchered my story's consistency and I am a stickler for consistency with the source material, something that now seven years after starting this story has completely bitten me in the ass and yet is something I do not wish to change. Therefore I want to let this current arc play out a bit more before I begin in earnest the next, and final, part of Paperwork. I have decided that I don't want to be one of those writers who just tells an incomplete story and have to say one day that it is never being finished or, worst yet, just never say anything at all. I have too much of a genuine appreciation for my readers to ever do that to you. So as self-important and silly as this may seem to some, I just wanted to let you know that Paperwork has three chapters left. Three glorious, extra long, climatic and amazing chapters that I will put all of my heart and soul into to make the three best chapters of this fanfiction be these last three. Going to be hard to top Fun, though.

As I look back on the earliest chapters I realize more than ever that this fanfiction is an amazing blend of absolutely horrible writing and progressive improvement over the years. I want to do better. I want a fanfic that is great from the beginning, that doesn't require constant edits and that isn't burdened by a manga that isn't yet finished to remain consistent. But to start that I need to wrap up my unfinished business.

There were a lot of readers who have put up with me from the beginning, through long absences and through some pretty bad writing. Thank you very much, it is appreciated. Anyway sorry if this is horrifically sappy, I know most of you read this story for the fun and not for the sad stuff and here I am making this sappy note. Well, I wanted to so I did so. I wanted my many readers to know where my head was at and why there have been delays. Kishimoto just couldn't leave the dead alone, eh?

Anyway hope to have a new chapter out for you guys pretty soon. Hope you like trilogies, tragedy, great fight scenes, naughty jokes, sacrifice, plot twists, crude humor, cookie jokes, Taken-like montages, extreme badass moments...and Minato and the Shinigami just being themselves.

-** Chris**


	44. The Shinigami Kills Somebody

**Chapter Forty: The Shinigami Kills Somebody**

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Kushina had a feeling today was going to be a good day. Today was the first time she had gone on a mission with Minato in quite some time, and she was even a little comforted to know she had the Kyuubi - or rather Kurama - with them as well. Kushina had been talking all day with Kurama about the little kids she took care of in the afterlife orphanage. She was so grateful Kurama was such a great listener!

Kurama saw it... a little bit differently. "Kushina," Kurama interrupted the woman just before she could launch into a new topic.

Kushina stopped her train of thought and looked at her fellow red-head. "Yes?"

"Namikaze is smiling now. Why does he do that when he clearly isn't that happy?"

Kushina rolled her eyes. "Oh, that's just him trying to be sexy," she said in an offhand manner.

Minato, who had chosen not to interject when his name was brought up, hitched his step for a moment before righting himself and continuing to walk normally.

Kurama blinked. "Does he actually think that works?"

"Sadly, yes."

Minato tripped again but managed to keep walking forward.

Kushina smirked in her husband's general direction before continuing. "Minato actually is a really big sweetheart." At Kurama's dark look Kushina hastily added, "You'll just have to take my word on that. Anyway he likes to ham it up sometimes, but he has always been ultra reliable, even since we were kids. If there is one person in all of existence I know I can trust, it is my Minato." The love in Kushina's voice towards the blonde shone through clearly.

Kurama didn't know what to say to that. Such complete trust and love were foreign concepts to the spirit beast. The closest she had ever known was the mutual respect from the sage. She knew from being inside Minato's head that he felt the exact same way as Kushina did. Such emotions made even Kurama a little bit of a romantic, not that she would ever admit it.

Minato sighed; sometimes he questioned why he married that woman. Before he could get too far into the divorce proceedings a sensation scratched at his soul. "Stop," he said urgently.

Kushina did as she was told but sent a puzzled look towards Minato. "What is it?"

Minato spared her a brief glance. "You didn't feel that?"

"No," Kushina said, her confusion evident.

Kurama gave a look of pity that was aimed directly at Minato. "Poor Yondaime-kun, she must be very hard to please in the bedroom."

Kushina let out a small noise and turned away as Minato's face turned completely crimson, his urgency of a moment before completely forgotten. "I haven't noticed any problems," he said quietly.

Kurama tapped a slender index finger against her chin. "You are a poor liar, Yondaime-kun. Sexual frustration can lead to problems in even the best relationships. I once had a harem of over one hundred vixens back when I was, you know, actually male. I could give you some pointers. It's all in the hips, for starters. Secondly an average human female has six points that-" Kurama suddenly stopped speaking.

Minato hadn't noticed for the same reason that the fox spirit had gone silent. Before them stood a shadow that was roughly in the shape of a man that gave off an intensely evil aura. Minato didn't need to look down to realize that his hands were trembling from the intensity radiating off of the creature. He tried to take a steadying breath but the air would not come easily to him. Which was actually really worrisome considering that the whole breathing thing was just a practiced habit and didn't represent a real need for oxygen. Minato's very soul, the foundation of his continued existence, was being suffocated effortlessly by this thing's mere presence.

"The gatekeeper to the outer realms graces us with his presence. This is a noteworthy occasion." The voice spoke in a bland tone as if it was reciting lines from a script that it wasn't all that pleased to be reading.

"That's the same guy, Minato. He is the one that assaulted us," Kushina said in a hushed tone.

Minato was taken aback by his wife's restraint in this manner. Usually she would have flown off the handle already. Just as he thought that a red blur flew right by him with an amazing amount of intent to kill aimed at the creature before them. So much for all of that restraint.

The creature lashed out an arm and quickly slung Kushina to the ground like a rag doll, her body going limp. "She was mistaken," it said to Minato. "I was not the welcoming committee, they were merely aspects of myself. That attack would have destroyed my initial envoy. As is, I have her at my mercy now. You should keep her on a leash."

"You should step away from my wife," Minato said with quiet authority.

The creature laughed. "Ah, that scare tactic of yours will not work here, gatekeeper. I do not fear the Shinigami's power, much less a mortal's. You will have to do better than that."

"I do believe that is my cue," a voice said in the distance.

Minato raised an eyebrow. "Obito?"

Obito stepped out with a big grin on his face. "Ah, Minato-sensei! Sorry for the confusion but I couldn't help but overhear how this ugly guy was harassing you all. I thought I could be of help."

"Don't be so casual! This thing has Kushina!"

Obito's smile only broadened. "I know. After all, I instructed him to go for your weak point, Minato-sensei."

Minato's eyes narrowed. "You aren't Obito."

Obito chuckled, his lips curving in delight as he looked at Minato. "What an interesting observation, Minato-sensei. On the one hand you are very much correct in your assertion that I am not Uchiha Obito, but your assumption that this has suddenly changed on the other hand is... far off the mark."

"What are you talking about? Who are you?" Minato demanded.

The apparent Obito doppelganger rolled his eyes. "That'd be telling, Minato-sensei. Why don't we just let Kushina-nee-chan be crushed by that beast over there and delight in each others company?"

The beast that held Kushina appeared to grin in agreement and began to crush the woman's throat.

"Stop!" Minato screamed. He could see the horrible pain that Kushina was in, and how her very soul was being damaged by the creature.

Kurama, off to the side, found herself unable to move as she stared at the thing that admitted it was not Obito. Something about him seemed... so very familiar. Too familiar.

The imposter chuckled. "Stop, he says. In this world of the dead, as well as the living, there is no room for those who command with words! It is actions, Minato-sensei, actions that pave our history. Your actions prove that you are just as weak as I thought you were. Watch as your love fades to nothing, as all love does eventually."

Minato, who had fought through and against so many supernatural aspects of a multitude of worlds with a blinding speed and a skill that many thought unparallelled, could not believe the sight before him was real. It happened in an instant, but Minato did not get the mercy of the action being too quick for him to see. Kushina's neck was squeezed only once by the creature but the single act of aggression was enough to crush her neck completely. Minato's spirit ached deeply as he watched his wife's body – no, her soul – begin to fade away. Her eyes never opened as she simply disappeared from view.

The imposter frowned slightly. "Well that's just sad. I would have thought that Kushina-nee-chan would have at least had the decency to wake up and tell you goodbye before she ceased to exist for all time." His expression suddenly turned into a cheerful smile. "Oh well! I guess it's okay to be wrong every now and again, and in the grand scheme of things that really is a small thing to be wrong about. Wouldn't you agree, Minato-sensei?"

Minato's eyes were fixed upon the spot where Kushina had disappeared. He could not feel her anywhere. He could not feel her at all. It was as if she was gone. Oh, right, she was. The judge of the dead could feel himself grow cold as his mind attempted to bring into focus what was most assuredly reality. Kushina's existence had been extinguished. It was thought to be nearly impossible to repair a damaged soul, but to bring back a soul from destruction was on a wholly different level. Souls were not things easily broken, they weren't meant to be like bodies in anything but appearance. You couldn't just... bring a soul back from not existing. Even the Shinigami's vast powers held no regard to such a concept as soul retrieval. Kushina was truly gone. It was unclear if Minato was truly accepting such things through though as his face remained blank.

"Hello? Earth to Minato-sensei. It's rude to stare down at the ground when someone is talking to you, y'know. I am going to start to think you don't like me." There was a sinister chuckle following that pronouncement. "Not that I care, but that hardly seems to be the point."

Minato gave no indication that he had heard a word spoken to him, much less that he was going to reply.

The imposter threw up his arms. "Oh fine, be that way. If you are going to sink into despair you can join her in not existing, but never say that Uchiha Madara never did anything for you!" Now identified as the wayward soul of Uchiha Madara, which frankly doesn't make any damn sense, the raven haired soul brandished a knife and went straight for Minato's head when suddenly an incredibly powerful force rippled through the entire dimension.

The creature that destroyed Kushina tilted his head to the side. "Oh? He encroaches upon my territory... I think I hit a nerve. How amusing."

Suddenly a very low voice could be heard singing, the sound enveloping them from all directions.

"_And who are you, the proud lord said, _

_that I must bow so low? _

_Only a cat of a different coat, _

_that's all the truth I know. _

_In a coat of gold or a coat of red, _

_a lion still has claws, _

_And mine are long and sharp, my lord, _

_as long and sharp as yours. _

_And so he spoke, and so he spoke, _

_that lord of Castamere, _

_But now the rains weep o'er his hall, _

_with no one there to hear. _

_Yes now the rains weep o'er his hall, _

Suddenly the Shinigami appeared in front of Minato with a somber expression on his horrific face. "And not a soul to hear," the Shinigami finished with a murmur. The Shinigami took out his ritual dagger and deliberately cracked his neck a few times before gazing upon the two creatures in front of him. "Uchiha Madara, dead for all this time right under my nose. Impressive. I suppose I've been torturing Uchiha Obito all this time. A pity."

Madara shrugged. "He'll get over it. I am surprised you came here personally, Shinigami-kun. You know after all you are barred from coming here, now you are really going to get into trouble! You should be more careful than that. After the final part of Bob's ritual yourself are you?"

The Shinigami raised an eyebrow. "I would not be here if I didn't figure out that whole ritual was a pretense to lure Minato and Kushina here for you to destroy them."

Madara turned to his accomplice. "Wow! He sure is smart! And he arrived just in time to be destroyed by you, o master of the In Between. Talk about true brilliance!"

The shadowy creature chuckled darkly. "Indeed, he steps into my domain, where I have been sovereign for time unending, and tells me that he is here for me. How arrogant."

Minato was the first to notice the drastic shift in the atmosphere that was a clear response to the creature's statement. Minato, who had been wholly focused on his wife's nonexistence, had been forcibly dragged back to the present by the raw power of the Shinigami's presence. It was as if all of the death, sorrow, hopelessness and despair of the universe had decided to hold a board meeting right here in this very small space and didn't feel like being polite to onlookers at the moment. The intensity of it was the opposite of mind numbing, as Minato felt as if the old wounds in his soul began to open up from the psychotic force in front of him.

Yet... Madara and the shadowy creature didn't seem bothered in the least.

The Shinigami turned around and looked at Minato with a very calm expression. Minato had been working for the Shinigami for almost two decades, it felt like two centuries, and he had never seen the Shinigami calm. He had seem him angry, vicious, cheerful, amused, and a time or two serious... but the Shinigami was now gazing at Minato with peace in his eyes which was something that Minato did not think possible. Would have never comprehended could actually exist. The look of peace in the Shinigami's eyes contrasted violently with what Minato was feeling in the air, and his bewildered expression said it all.

"You were always relatively keen, Minato-kun. You, who perhaps know me better than any other mortal ever has, still knows so little about me. I give you credit that you already knew that, but even you couldn't imagine this side of me. It is rather uncool, I am afraid. I joke, I laugh, I plot, because Namikaze Minato I grew bored many years ago from the tasks handed to me. I deal with so many lesser beings that I could lament until the end of time of how tedious my existence is and still have time to spare." The Shinigami turned back to Madara and his cohort. "That is not the case today. Today is going to be fun."

Minato finally found his voice. "Why is that?"

The Shinigami practically beamed at the question, although Minato could not see it. "Because today is the day I get sentimental. I am often, and I suppose still am if I want to pay it any mind, constrained by my position when it comes to the grand scheme. I have been afforded tremendous power as long as I play within the chalk. I don't feel like playing in the chalk any longer."

Madara's eyes widened at that proclamation, aware what the Shinigami was ultimately getting at. "You wouldn't dare," he said.

The Shinigami's face never lost its smile. "This is my own fault, I suppose. Joke for long enough and people start to believe you are the joke. Look at you two, so smug in your position of perceived power. A minor deity with a second rate realm that was contracted out for seal usage and a man whose relationship with his greatest rival could keep Orochimaru's hardon healthy for a year. Yet you dare to speak to the Shinigami in this manner? I am not just the God of Death, you foolish specks of dust. I am the God of Entropy, the Lord of Dissolution, the Herald of the End of Days. The Almighty will kneel before me one day and have his spirit slashed into pieces by my hands and then the Universe herself will unravel as I watch with a fucking bag of popcorn in hand if I so wish it." The Shinigami flipped his dagger around so that it was held in an attacking position before he spoke again, his voice soft but deadly. "You dare speak to me, so I am going to kill you. You are arrogant, so I am going to kill you. You underestimate me, so I am going to kill you. You thought you were more clever than me, so I am going to kill you. Most importantly, you thought it wise and a viable strategy to take away someone that I genuinely adored in Uzumaki Kushina, so I am going to kill you!"

Madara smiled off the big speech as easy as one would brush off a piece of lent. "Man the stories are certainly true, you know how to get scary! But that's okay, scary can be good sometimes. I appreciate the effort, but it is in vain because I know this: the moment you stepped into this place you lost all of your powers over death! So spare me the cheap theatrics please it is all rather sad. Oh no the air around me is suffocating whatever am I going to do! Oh right, I don't have to actually breathe, so I get over it. What a simple solution!"

One moment Madara was laughing, the next he had the Shinigami's hand around his throat and was choking.

"You are under the impression," the Shinigami began, "that the only power I have is death. Tell me now Uchiha Madara, do you now understand your perception was incorrect?" The Shinigami squeezed on Madara's neck, content to allow him the same fate as Kushina when the shadowy figure crashed into the Shinigami knocking him backwards.

When the Shinigami righted himself Madara had made his escape and left the shadowy creature to the business at hand. The creature rose up to its full height, above twenty feet, and let out a sinister chuckle. "Your reign ends here. I shall take your mantle as my own and rule both this vast realm as well as the power of death itself. I shall be a king!"

The Shinigami rolled his eyes. "You may be the king, true." The Shinigami suddenly was behind the creature and thrust his knife right through its back, which caused black blood to pour from the creature as its power quickly dissipated. Strange gurgling noises were heard as even more of the black substance spilled from its mouth. "But a wise king would know not to meddle in the affairs of a god," the Shinigami whispered into the thing's ear. In the next moment the shadowy being faded into nothing, gone forever as if it had never existed.

There was an uncomfortable silence between Minato and the Shinigami for a few moments before Minato chose to break it. "How are we going to get Kushina back?" he said in a hollow voice.

The Shinigami appraised Minato long and hard before answering the question. "You already know the answer to that, Minato-kun."

"Then tell me I am wrong." Tears began to pool in the young man's eyes. The very same eyes that were looking at the Shinigami with a pleading that the Shinigami had never seen from the man.

"I cannot."

"Why not? I'm wrong all the fucking time! I'm a foolish mortal. I know nothing! I talk back, I am disrespectful, I get way over my head when it comes to problems, you have had to hold my hand every step of the way! Tell me I am wrong!"

"No."

"Why? Why can't I be wrong? I've been wrong... so much," Minato collapsed and began to sob, his tears hitting the floor without mercy.

The Shinigami did not move. As much as he berated Minato for his weaknesses it was often hard to remember his weakest point of all: his heart, which was now broken into more pieces than even the Shinigami could count.

Kurama, who had been all but forgotten, walked up to Minato and wrapped her arms around the distraught man. He tried to fight against her but her grip on him was overwhelming. "Cry, Minato-kun. Just cry for now," she said softly. She patted his head as his tears flowed freely against the nape of her neck. Kurama's eyes darted to the Shinigami and gave him a glare that was worthy of Kushina herself.

After ten minutes(1) the Shinigami could no longer hold back his gag reflex. "It is sometimes easy to forget that you are a parent, Kyuubi-chan," the Shinigami said mockingly. "You've grown soft in the head if you think that the plans set in motion by Madara can wait on his tears to stop."

Kurama's eyes began to glow in fury. "I'd like to see you try to take him away from me."

"That's enough, Kurama-san," Minato said as he pulled away from Kurama's grip. He looked into her eyes that only had concern for him and he cracked a smile. "You're surprisingly reliable. I wish Kushina-chan had seen this side of you more, she would have liked it." He patted her head in an affectionate manner.

Kurama's cheeks colored in embarrassment. "You know I'm still a greater spirit beast capable of crushing you, you shouldn't pat my head like that."

"You're adorable."

"I'm not!" Kurama insisted while pouting in quite possibly the most adorable manner of all time.(2)

Minato smiled wider at Kurama and now the spirit could clearly see that it did not come close to reaching his eyes. "We can have this talk another time. For now, just get back inside of my head and be as unaware as possible, Shinigami-sama and I have a lot to discuss."

Kurama bowed her head in deference and disappeared from view. As she settled into the back of Minato's mind she was overwhelmed by the amount of raw emotion that she was surrounded by, and none of them were well intentioned. She reminded herself to never make this man truly angry. Then again, perhaps there was nothing left to take from him.(3)

"We need to talk," the Shinigami said, his voice still somber.

Minato nodded his head and looked off in the distance. "I am going to butcher them all, Shinigami-sama. I am going to butcher every last one of them and carve her name into their souls as I do so."

The Shinigami smiled despite himself. He really did like Minato sometimes."We can discuss that in a moment, but for now we need to talk about you."

Minato's head whipped around and he stared at the Shinigami. "What about me?"

"I am sure you have noticed that many in the spirit world, myself included, have taken what could be described as a special interest in you. There's a reason for this, Minato-kun."

Minato raised an eyebrow. "So, what? I'm special? Am I one in a trillion type of human who can break through the pecking order and save all of reality?"

The Shinigami burst out in laughter. It lasted for five minutes. (1b)

"You know I was just throwing it out there."

The Shinigami hit himself a couple of times in the chest to stop his laughter. "Who do you think you are? The Sage of the Six Paths?"

Minato blinked. "But he didn't save all of reality.

"Yet."

Minato blinked again. "Excuse me?"

"A story for another time," the Shinigami assured. "At any rate it is quite the opposite of all of that: you are terribly broken."

Minato shivered at the conversational tone in which the Shinigami delivered that particular tidbit of news. "Don't leave a guy hanging," Minato said, trying to lighten the mood. He failed.

The Shinigami continued as if Minato had never spoken. It was probably better that way. "The human soul is a marvelous creation. Left on its own it can sustain itself for time unending. Because of this durability it is possible for humans to be born anew every so often and begin the process again."

"I know all of this, Shinigami-sama," Minato said with little patience

"You claim to know a lot of things before you go out and do something stupid."

Minato twitched.

"Twitches should be reserved for those who don't try to shred their soul." The Shinigami was pleased to see yet another twitch before he continued. ""So, do you remember that endless ocean that destroys souls that you were so proud of throwing that random guy in?"

"Yes."

"About that...Well long story short Bob put some of that water in with your soul and now you're on borrowed time. Not your day, kid." You could just feel the love and affection rolling off the Shinigami he was so broken up about it.

Minato blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he did the strangest thing the Shinigami had ever seen him do, given the situation: he smiled. "Oh, is that all? I've known about that for quite some time."

The Shinigami got the feeling that Minato was actually proud of himself for this accomplishment. He supposed he should let Minato have this one or else he might start crying like a goddamn baby again. "Oh? Do tell."

Minato bumped his chest with a closed fist. "Ever since my fight with Bob I could feel my soul. I don't know if it is because of what I did to win that fight or if the Keeper made me more aware but... I feel myself slowly slipping away. Of course I didn't know any of the details about how Bob originally screwed me up, but I surmised the rest just fine."

The Shinigami broke out into a cruel grin. "Good job, Minato. I am proud that you figured it out." Minato actually beamed at this, which made the Shinigami doubt that the man had been paying attention at all in the sixteen years they had known each other. "If gods with less reputable reputation than myself-" the Shinigami paused to allow Minato to laugh this time, "-got their hands on you they would do all sorts of horrible things to you to learn the secret behind your making, and that would be just tragic."

Minato raised an eyebrow. "Why would that be tragic? You do horrible things to me all the time."

"Exactly, and that is a right given to me and me alone."

"So why don't they just come after me?" Minato asked.

The Shinigami's dreadful aura intensified. "Who says they haven't tried?"

Minato was almost speechless. "You've been... protecting me?"

The Shinigami chuckled darkly. "Of course, Minato-kun. You are mine, and when others try to take what is mine I must display to them the error of their ways. Why do you think it was some shadow that was with Madara today and not an actual god of any sort?"

Minato hadn't considered that. Minato's expression darkened as he thought about Kushina's fate at the hands of that shadow. The shadow had been the tool, but the god that had ordered this to happen was still out there.

The Shinigami looked at Minato and saw they had similar thoughts on the matter. "They are cowards who would take a microscopic chance at getting me out of the picture rather than face me themselves. Battles between gods are strictly regulated and usually someone very, very high up the totem pole is going to be one deciding the battle based off the merits. The problem for them is that the merits side with me, but the problem for me is that if they don't face me directly they can continue to play in the shadows as much as they like. So the rules go."

"You said earlier that today was the day you forgot the rules."

"Right. I was bluffing."

"Excuse me?"

"The rules are not so easily forgotten, Minato-kun. I would be of no use to anybody, namely myself, if I was to be destroyed. Everyone has their place Minato, even me." (4)

Minato's hand clenched in rage as the air became heavy with untamed energy. "So what? You are just going to do nothing?"

The Shinigami's eyes narrowed. "Minato-kun, you were heralded in your day as an unrivaled Shinobi who even under the most dire of circumstances kept his calm. Do so now, process all I have said, and then come to the conclusion of this story."

Minato saw the wisdom in the Shinigami's words and took a steadying breath and closed his eyes, as he did so a chill ran down his extremities and brought a sense of peace over him. The Shinigami had told him much, but what was the key piece of information? Suddenly Minato's eyes shot open and he understood. "You are going to play their game. Whereas they have their minions, you have me."

The Shinigami nodded. "Correct. And I am prepared to do something that none of them would have ever predicted." The Shinigami brandished his ritual dagger before holding it out, handle first, towards Minato.

Minato took the dagger and suddenly he knew why others would not have expected the Shinigami to hand over this dagger. As he looked at the Shinigami he knew he could destroy him if he sunk this knife into him. There was no design, no "cut here" logo or anything, but the knowledge that this knife could end the Shinigami was firmly implanted into him. "This is..."

"Yes, it is a dagger like no other. With it there is no one, absolutely no one, who you cannot kill if you sink that dagger into them."

"Will they allow this?"

The Shinigami chuckled darkly, and for the first time ever Minato actually smiled along with the Shinigami. "It is a loophole in the rules. No one ever considered that I would give something away that could harm me, that was even more a part of me than my actual reaping powers which you took into your possession against Bob. That time you took my power, but now in your hand you hold the heart of what it is to be the Shinigami."

"Um," Minato began, "didn't you literally rip out my heart last time we did this? What is it with you and the removal and giving of hearts?"

The Shinigami was the one that twitched this time. "It's symbolic, you asshole."

"Sounds like a saturday morning cartoon to me..." Minato muttered.

"Minato," the Shinigami said, returning to business.

"Yes, Shinigami-sama?" Minato replied.

"I am only going to ask one thing of you on this day." He paused to make sure he had Minato's undivided attention. When he was sure he had it, he continued. "You are going to butcher them all, Minato-kun. You are going to butcher every last one of them and carve her name into their souls as you do so. Have I made myself clear?"

Minato's eyes moistened but no tears fell as he bowed at the waist towards the Shinigami. While he was still bowed he said, "Yes, Shinigami-sama. It will be done." With a thunderous crack he disappeared from the In Between.

The Shinigami looked around and let out a sinister chuckle. "It seems those fools prepared well for the God of Death, but I doubt they are ready for the Yellow Flash. Teach them the folly of underestimating my deviousness, Minato-kun..." the Shinigami spun around and began to walk in the direction where the downed members of Minato's entourage were. If he was going to have to put up with a world without a certain amusing red-head at least he could have the pleasure of spreading misery to lesser beings.

* * *

**Footnotes**

**1a:** Yes, the Shinigami had a clock on him and counted.

**1b:** Still counting.

**2:** On the 12 year old girl pout scale, which you should be familiar with if you've read Chapter 20 of this story, this would register as an astonishing nine point nine.

**3:** To Minato there was nothing more sacred than his family, and he had loved Uzumaki Kushina since he had been a small boy. He vowed to protect her, vowed to always be with her, and went so far as to kill himself just so that the love of his life could have words with their son she would otherwise have never gotten the chance to know. What Kurama was feeling was the black hole which was created by this love being taken from him. Woe be to those who crossed Namikaze Minato.

**4:** It just so happens that his place is sitting on a throne compiled from the remains of those foolish enough to talk back to him.

* * *

**A/N**: First off credit to George R. R. Martin and Games of Thrones for the song Rains of Castamere, if you do not know the song I'd suggest listening to it and learning the lore behind it, it will make that entrance even more awesome for you. But uh, be careful, if you haven't read the books you can totally get spoiled!

Secondly I changed my mind about a trilogy and instead settled into a rough word count of thirty thousand words just not to tie myself down to pacing issues. This represents the first 5000 words of that venture. Just so people who were looking forward to super long chapters aren't freaking out about there only being two left, there are more!

I am expecting some mixed responses about a certain something in this chapter, call it a hunch, and I look forward to the reception. It is never easy to kill something which you feel you created, and I gave Kushina a lot of her personality before she was shown much. I grew really fond of her over the years. Her death is important to the progression of the story though, and so it goes. That is what the end game is like.

I am immensely proud of this chapter, actually. I did some things really well that quite frankly I normally don't do. This also marks the first chapter which was done in entirely on scene setting and while I don't foresee the others going that way it felt very fitting. Any breaks I feel would have lessened the mood. But that's just my perspective on the matter. I am interested to hear what you guys think. Next chapter is going to be an absolute blood bath, let me assure you of that.

Poll of the Chapter: How do you think I did with writing Kushina over the years? Are you more sad that she is gone or excited about Minato is going to do to those who took her away from him? Give vivid details!

As always thanks to all of the kind responses to my note last time, I appreciate all of the understanding and genuine kindness that was thrown my way last chapter. It makes letting go hard, but it also makes me want to give you an even better finish. Hopefully you guys found this to be a great start.

**- Chris **


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